Someone call the authorities! That poor child is not only being forced to wear track pants at an early age, she's also being subjected to seventh-rate pornogrind created by a man who wears pants so large they would have been mocked at a rave in 1995.
Man, you blink for only 20 years or so, and the entire pornogrind scene changes drastically. Back in my day, Traci Lords Loves Noise and early Meat Shits defined the sound of a musical movement that seemed unstoppable. Young upstarts, like Illinois' own Vaginal Dissection were making significant contributions through their endless flow of cassette releases.
Today, things have changed, and one primary outlet for this musical style is the medium known as the YouTube. All I have to say is, thank god for the YouTube. Today thanks to technology and the internet, we are brought inside the inner circle of pornogrind masters like Vomit Grinder, artists of the highest order who previously performed their craft in relative obscurity. No more. How many of us have said "Oh to have been a fly on the wall when Mozart wrote his Clarinet Concerto", I know I certainly have. Such longing is no longer warranted. Simply watch the videos below, and enjoy a rare insider's look at an artist and his craft.
Please note the tasteful decor which surrounds this musical genius as he works on his musical masterpieces. It appears as though he went to the Funeral Home Decoration Depot and simply said "I'll take it all". While the decor may not be groundbreaking to other trailer owners, the rest of us are left in an emotional state upon seeing such beauty. Like a fat American tourist who sees Versailles for the first time, it becomes clear that while such opulence is common for those who live in it, the rest of us are simply looking from the outside in.
Enjoy his oversized pants, his huge amp, and please note his creative solution for not having a mic stand. Oh, and one last thing, look closely in the second video, as you will surely see the muses that inspire this creative genius.
Until very recently, there was a place in Seattle called "Tubs" in which you could rent a jacuzzi by the hour. Yes, I know what you are thinking- everybody in the area also recoiled in horror at the idea of submerging their genitals in a rancid bath that is more or less a stew made from the lower bodies of whatever strangers happened to be rent the jacuzzi before you did.
I am pretty sure the drummer is the guy who invented Tetris. Either that or a pedophile. Maybe both.
I could go into more detail, but thanks to the wonders of Web 2.0, I can simply crowdsource it from Yelp!! Yay internets! (I feel like there is someone at IDEO or Frog right now coughing awkwardly to remind me that they coined the term "crowdsourcing" in 2002). Here are a few highlights from consumer reviews:
Brooke B. It has been fun making jokes about contracting the clap from your titular "tubs" for the last 10 years. It was always my plan to bring a special someone and a bucket of Ezell's fried chicken to a private room and really get down. Thanks for the memories, Tubs. You will be missed.
JC D. Ari:OMG, I'm so embarrassed! Tanya:Rumor has it that people were having sex in the totally secluded hot tubs, so they got shutdown. JC: Yeah, people would fling gonorrhea and Chlamydia at the walls. Ari: ehhhh...okay. Tanya: I'm HUNGRY! The place is obviously still closed, and surprisingly fenced up by the health department and the humane society.
Mr. Robot O. I visited here in an "official" capacity as an inspector, not a customer, so I only got to look at, and not enjoy, the "sparkling acrylic spas with hydro-therapy jets" constructed with "state-of-the-art spa engineering." The thought of paying someone so I could lounge around in these giant petri dishes wasn't that enticing.
With bands like the Meat Shits and Gut pushing the boundaries of poor taste over the past decade or two, it's harder than ever to shock audiences. You really have to dig deep to find something inspiring that's novel, unique yet completely foul and disgusting. For Russian goregrind band Purulent Jacuzzi, Tubs is just that source of inspiration.
That's what I tell myself, at least. I certainly can't think or any other reason why a band would call themselves fucking Purulent Jacuzzi! At first I thought it was some sort of misunderstanding; I figured they just didn't really understand what the fuck they were saying. I assumed it was like Lisa Simpson said when she saw a poster for the movie Yahoo Serious: "Those words are both English, but they don't make any sense together!"
But no! From the image above, it seems that they understand exactly what those words mean and are using them quite literally! Best of all, they are pretty fucking good, especially the song in the video above. I'm not all that crazy about bree-bree vocals, but the singer for PJ pulls them off about as well as anybody, and they definitely have their share crushing slamz.
If there is anything to take away from all this, it is that no man has a crystal ball. Wait, that's not true, Mike Browning has the Nocturnus crystal ball. But aside from him, we are all powerless to predict what strange, new, exciting forms of music are coming around the bend. All we can do is sit back and enjoy the show... and mosh our balls off to Purulent Jacuzzi.
I pretty much hate "grindcore" these days, but back in the day I used to listen to a lot of it, especially sleazy gore/pornogrind like Hemdale, Last Days of Humanity, Meat Shits, Dead, and of course the masters of the genre, Gut. I have mentioned them in previous posts, but I think it's time for us to have a more in-depth discussion about their unique brand of grindcore.
Gut were always pretty gross and over the top, never failing to shock with things like the cover of "Fistful of Sperm," which featured a dude's hand holding his cummy dick (lucky for you, I couldn't find a picture). But let's be honest, we've all seen a million gnarly porn and gore covers, so at this point it's pretty hard for that sort of thing to elicit much more than a disinterested yawn. True to form, though, Gut managed to find a new way to shock: inventing ELECTRO PORNOGRIND!
Pornogrind I will assume that most Metal Inquisition readers are familiar with pornogrind. If not, I will direct you to this older MI post on pornogrind that will tell you everything you need to know. Gut is often credited with inventing the genre, which is distinguished from regular grindcore by it's emphasis on mid-paced groove riffs rather than blasting. If you are interested in exploring more bands in this genre like Vulvectomy, Cock and Ball Torture, etc, check out this blog.
Another trademark is many, many porn samples used as intros. Very, very long intros. If you have ever listened to Mortician you know what I'm talking about, only instead of 70s horror movies they're German porn flicks or whatever. I obviously have no fucking idea what they're saying if they're not in English, although I did once ask the German lady I worked with to translate a Gut intro for me. I gave her my headphones, and she listened intently for a few seconds. Then she got pale and said something like, "He wants her to act like a pig??" and gave them back.
Anyway, Gut wasn't content to sit back and rest on their laurels, basking in the adulation of critics who fawn over them for inventing this nearly universally-loved genre. They drew from another rich genre, electro, for inspiration.
OG electro pioneers Sleaze Boys' ode to, uh, Robocop? I'd buy that for a dollar!
Electro I'm far from an expert on it, but I listen to a lot of dance music, especially electro and electrohouse. I don't really care about any specific artists or whatever because usually I only listen to it when I'm getting drunk with a girl. There's really nothing like it for putting them in the mood. It's like the Chappel Show sketch where as soon as a white person hears a guitar, they start dancing, only in this case as soon as hipster girls hears a rubbery synth line, her skinny jeans and American Apparel tube top melt right off her body. With Gut being huge creeps who watch too much porn, it makes perfect sense that they would also be big fans of the genre.
The soundtrack to getting fucked up and making out with hipster girls
Electro + Pornogrind = The Cumback I love mash culture, don't you? Like when your friend from work or whatever is like "Dude yuo have to check out this new Radiohead/Simon Cowell yodeling in the bathtub mashup!!" and forces you to listen to every second of the excruciatingly long and dull extended version? "Fuck," you think, "where is my copy of 'Load'? I would rather snap the CD in half and jam one of the jagged pieces into my jugular vein than endure another second of this." But you don't, you just smile and nod politely and suffer through it. Then he asks you if you've ever seen this funny song about jizzing in your pants and you tell him you have to get back to work.
I am equal parts confused and aroused by this combination of imagery
In any case, electro pornogrind is like one of those mashups, only instead of being suicide-inducingly dorky, it's 100% awesome. Gut disappeared for a while, probably because one of the guys was busy living in his van and avoiding indecent exposure charges or something. We all figured they were gone, but they came back in 2006 with a new LP entitled "The Cumback," which also brought electro pornogrind into the world. Here are a few tracks from the album...
Pimps of Gore
This is a good place to start with electro pornogrind. It combines a beat guaranteed to get you on the dance floor (not unlike the plague that makes your booty move) with guttural goregrind vocals and a dope synth line! All it needs is a bangin' donk and it would be perfect. Oh, and they could get rid of the minute-long intro sample.
The Making of "The Cumback"
Would you like to throw away 9 minutes of your life? It doesn't seem like much, but I bet if someone put a gun in your mouth and asked what you would do to have 9 minutes more to live, you would do all kinds of fucked up shit to extend your life by the length of approximately 100 early Anal Cunt songs. But if you don't give a fuck and want to piss away 9 minutes, you can watch this video of Gut recording "The Cumback." I did. Twice.
Pimptro
This track showcases Ollie's microphone skills. It kind of reminds me of the corny MCs from 90s jungle songs that would be like "ALRIGHT YALL DIG THESE FUNKY CHUNES, REWIND SELECTAH!!" I seriously have no idea how I listened to that shit, it's intolerable to my ear now. Electrohouse is so much better, and drum n bass chicks usually had gnarly meth habits (not hot). Gut on MySpace
Welcome to part 3 of "A SkullKrushing Vinyl Collection," brought to you today by Megaforce Records. If you care, here's parts 1 and 2.
So, here's a few more records from my crates along with a few more stories from my... my... my... my... I don't know. Something that rhymes with "crates"
Alright! Laaz Rockit! What could be better than a cheesy California thrash band? Well, a cheesy California thrash band that misspells the words in it's name on purpose, of course! Well, this is a test pressing of the Rockit's second effort "No Stranger to Danger " that came out in '85. I scored this jewel for $3 at Jerry's, of course. Jerry's is to record stores what double-sided dildos are to the world of adult toys. I think it's pretty cool to own a record like this, 'cuz when I tell ladies about it, all they wanna do is rip my Testament shirt off and lick my hairy chest. True story. OK, maybe not.
You can file these 3 records under the "You are the luckiest SOB I know" category. When we were in Amsterdam on tour in Europe with my band, we met a guy from a label who wanted to put out some shit of ours. The label had done cool releases before, so I was going to agree anyway, but I guess he felt I needed a little incentive. He offered me his entire Maiden collection. All 11 pieces. I took it all, of course. These 3 picture disc singles are just a sample. If you ever come to my house I might let you see the rest. But, you have to show me your boobies first.
We all know what a dbag Danzig is. The quintessential egomaniac with a Napoleon complex and a serious case small-dick-testosterone-surplus. I got this double 7" bootleg in Eastern Europe somewhere during the same European tour with my band. The sound is so bad, I can only barely recognize one song and it's Samhain, not even Danzig. Still, this is one of my favorite records in my collection. Why? It comes with a poster, dude!
I saw Excruciating Terror in Berkeley once. It was at a Fiesta Grande, so you know the audience was chuck-full-o-PC fags. All these pseudo politically involved bands had been playing and then ET went on. Someone started screaming at them about a song of theirs being racist or sexist or something. I don't know if you have ever seen these dudes, but I wouldn't wanna fuck with them, that's for sure. Anyway, the singer looked at this hippie in the audience and asked him: "Hey, what do you say to a girl with 2 black eyes? - Nothing, you already told her twice." The place went nuts with boos and ET exploded onto their brutal set. It was classic! I got this 7" from Wild Rags, where I'd gotten their demo a few years back. Man, Mexicans can really rock.
I really don't know what to say about these 2 records. Maybe I should say that it's fucking bizarre that nerds out there have offered me up to $300 for the AC / Meat Shits split. Maybe I should say that I'm often embarrassed to own these. Maybe I should say that I own more than a few Meat Shits cassettes. I really should kill myself and this world a better place. Especially for my family.
I'm finishing up with OZ for two reasons: 1. OZ is the awesomest thing to come out of Finland since Mika Hakkinen. 2. I'm working on another classic post on these rockers for next week.
Funny to think that Megaforce records lasted as long as they did putting out shit like this...
We are probably all familiar with the term "wigger," and I will not invite controversy by explaining it here. But what you do not hear so much about is "wignecks," which as you might guess combine the best of wiggers and rednecks. For example they might drive a pickup truck, listen to T-Pain, and chew tobacco while wearing a Metallica shirt and Starter jacket. If you are not from the US, you are probably very confused right now. Don't feel bad, wignecks don't make sense to me either. But they're kind of like chavs, if that helps at all.
In any case, wignecks have largely been absent from the metal scene... until now. Cemetery Rapist is a one-man band that plays "cornfield slam metal", straight out of the fields of Illinois. They are the world's first wigneck slam band. They also operate "Fuck The Ass Records," a splendid record label that I am sure is rivaled only by the likes of Wild Rags in terms of both quality and selection.
With the advent of cornfield slam, I believe the world has officially invented every imaginable genre of music.
I believe in being honest with each other, in telling the truth to on another. And the truth is that back in the early 90s most of us Metal Inquisition staffers were pretty into grindcore, noisecore, and other genres of music other than generic death metal. It's true- I have very eclectic tastes. I mean, I'll listen to anything from Psycho to Jesus Chrust! For someone like me with such varied tastes, the Bllleeeeaaauuurrrrgghhh compilations on Slap-A-Ham Records were crucial. Although there were 3 records in the series, only the first two were really good. By the time the third one came out, the scene had been infiltrated by posers and punk rockers, so the series had pretty much jumped the shark. This isn't an MP3 blog, but since Slap-A-Ham is out of business, here's a link.
Highlights: With over 100 songs to choose from there, are a lot of good ones. But within the context of this blog, the highlights include the sick sewer sludge proto-Devourment stylings of Rottrevore, the only good Agathocles song, the best Infest song, and Impetigo. There are also lots of good bands on here that played really, really sick guttural death metal way before the style was really established, as well as the greats of noisecore like Cacofonia, 7MON and Meatshits. And Sockeye!
Lowlights: There are also dozens of awful songs on here, but fortunately they're no longer than 15 seconds, so the shitty songs are over before you know it. It being a 90s grind comp, it has tracks from Psycho and Agathocles (although, like I said, the Agathocles song is actually good). I also think Assuck is a terrible band and they are on here, featuring Rob Proctor's weak cheat-beat blasts. The Generica song is so bad that even :15 of it is hard to endure.
WTF: One thing I've noticed is that these comps feature a lot of bands who only have one good song, and it appears on these records. I sought out other records by some of these bands based on their songs here only to be very, very disappointed. For example, Splattereah, Suppuration, Dischange, and Rupture (why do all the other Rupture songs sound like crappy Dwarves songs?).
Someone call the authorities! That poor child is not only being forced to wear track pants at an early age, she's also being subjected to seventh-rate pornogrind created by a man who wears pants so large they would have been mocked at a rave in 1995.
