King Diamond: King of YouTube

My heart got crushed a lot as a kid. First there was no Santa, no Easter Bunny and no Tooth Fairy. Then I discovered that, to my dismay, King Diamond wasn't really the scary monster I thought (and hoped) he was. Man, I used to be scared of him, no joke! We had a Metal Hammer poster on the wall of our room and I didn't look at it at night, 'cuz it used to creep me the fuck out. "Them" is a scary-ass record and the videos weren't really light either. OK, so the band members were pretty glammy-faggy and definitely not scary, but you know what I mean.
As I grew older the fantasy began to dwindle. We (Lucho Metales and I) have talked a lot on MI about various meetings with the Danish Dwarf and how he's as scary as a plate of under-cooked strawberry pancakes. Sadly, these days KD occupies a place in my life which he shares with Carlton Banks, pogs and Thrasher Magazine. You know, those things that make you smirk to yourself when you think about them. Sorry, Speegster, KD is a bit of a joke...



This one is pretty funny. Of course, I'd done a way better job, but I did chuckle a few times. Who knew that the youngsters could be sarcastically funny like this?



Sure, this chick is ugly and has a terrible voice, but something about this video makes want me want to bend her over and record a few intros for a MeatShits 7".



This one has gotten around a bit... I can't tell if the teen on the left is a dude or an ugly broad. All in all, tho, I have to admit I think this video is pretty rad. Here's a quote from Blabbermouth about the clip (thanks, Seth):
In a statement released to BLABBERMOUTH.NET, King Diamond, who saw the clip for the first time earlier this week, said, "OH MY GOD!!!! That just blew me away!!!! Absolutely 200% AWESOME! I [have always said that] we have the best fans in the world! It's so hilarious and at the same time it really makes me feel so honored seeing the level of dedication and how much our fans get out of our music!!"



Best for last. Remember a band named Metallica? Yeah, they were awesome. This video illustrates two theories of mine: King Diamond is a tool and Metallica used to be awesome dorky fun-loving guys, before they became rock-star prick-fucker looser righ-wing assbags.

Shitty metal logos get props from the shitty design community

We all know what fags designers are, right? Fashion designers, industrial designers (I know they sound tough, but they aren't) and, of course, graphic designers. Graphic designers are the dickless shits responsible for the UPS trucks being that ugly-ass brown and for those uber-gay ipod ads. Yeah, yeah, you're cool. You know how to push a few buttons in some crappy Adobe program and you think you are better than the rest of us. I know a few graphic designers here and there and, believe me, they actually think that what they do is important. I'm not kidding. With the exception of actors, graphic designers are the most narcissistic, arrogant, big headed, proud, conceited, immodest, vain, self-important, self-satisfied, self-righteous and self-involved people in the planet. Don't believe me? Go to a bookstore and check out the graphic design section. There are hundreds and hundreds of books by designers for designers about design. They think that what they do is so vital that the world needs book after book about design. In reality, they just wanna make themselves feel better about sitting in front of an over priced ibook making pretty pictures all day.

One of these books caught my eye recently and it illustrates just how out-of-touch these black-turtleneck-wearing fags really are. The book is called "BAND ID- The Ultimate Book of Band Logos". Wow! We're lucky it's the ultimate one. See? Even in their book titles they exaggerate their importance. Anyway, this collection was put together by this dude named Bodhi Oser. He's basically a hippie looser from Venice Beach, who wouldn't last a second in a serious Biohazard pit. So, what does he know about metal? Nothing, but the combination of his ignorance and his self-righteousness make for a funny-ass book.

I know the pics are blurry and crappy, but I "borrowed" the book from this dude in my office while he was in the crapper, so I was short on time, y'know?




I can see why designers would like this logo. It's sorta symmetrical and shit, but that "L" looks like an "S" with down syndrome. I still can't get over the thought of some trendy faggy designers sitting around a conference room table discussing whether or not the Death Angel logo would "make the cut". It's just fucking preposterous.




I always loved the Anthrax logo. I'm not sure why. Maybe 'cuz it's not symmetrical, like the other thrash metal logos of the time. The Nuclear Assault logo is chuck-full-o-horribleness. I find the "E" and the double "SS" offensive on grounds of really bad typographical balance.


Emperor and their shitty logo, with skinny Ethiopian letters, can suck my balls. So can Mortiis. I'm sure he did the logo himself. God, it's as terrible as his "music". On a more positive note, Death's logo is bad-ass. Sure, the "T" is three times thicker than the rest of the letters, but it's a cross! Upside-down? Not really. It's a mystery, just like why the band started to suck shit after Leprosy. I love the Napalm Death logo, simply because it's obvious the original was rendered by a 16 year old using a ball-point pen.



Obituary and Venom are two of the radest logos in the book and they share a page! Wait, maybe the author knew something about metal after all... Nah, beginner's luck.



BARF! This whole page is shit. The Moonspell logo would be cool if the letters were fatter and more manly, but I guess that's something black metal knows nothing about, huh? My Dying Bride's logo looks like Micheal J. Fox drew it.



Cradle of Filth and Hatebreed suck, fuck'em. I probably stand alone here, but I love Pungent Stench, therefore my judgement on their logo is biased. I have the Been Caught Buttering t-shirt and I wear it all the time to this very day.



Hahaha! Overkill shares the page with a whole bunch of other shitty bands!



Morbid Angel's logo has probably won multiple awards in the design community as the shittiest logo in history. And that probably included the "logo" from "Tacos Pedrito", a tiny taqueria by my house. God, look at that "A"! It's as painful as their music! The "G" holding the pitchfork has to be the worst use of a letter form since cuneiform was invented in 3000BC.
Dark Throne's looks like it was done in ink and they left it outside when it was raining. In a Norwegian forest, of course.




I like Entombed's logo and I think Carcass' looks like a used tampon. The Chasm, Usurper and Hate Eternal's logos were designed to give Morbid Angel's a run for it's money. Congrats guys, you almost made it.



I don't know what to say about this page, other than: WTF!? Municipal Waste? I'm pretty sure Seth Putnam never thought that his retarded doodles of assholes and vaginas would end up in a book about logos. Hmmm... Nox needs to... I don't know what they need to do, but whatever it is it should be funny and make them disappear. Forever.



The only good thing about the Scorpions logo is that I could re-create it on my shitty PC as a kid by just using a pre-loaded font. Other than that this page is pretty rad. Maiden, Priest, Annihilator and Testament. Solid bands, solid logos.


If I had real testicles when I was 15, all 3 of these logos would be tattooed on my body. Thank God I didn't grow balls until I was 20! Well, I don't think the Obituary tattoo is much better.



Another 3 logos I'd tattoo on my body. The Exodus one is a little weak, 'cuz the "E" and the "S" are all slouched, but it's still pretty metal. Kreator and Destruction logos adorned every other page in my notebooks in school for years.



I'm not sure what to make of the little bat flying over the Kind Diamond logo, but other than that KD's is a classic logo and, like their music, way better than Merciful Fate's. I know I'm gonna get the typical "you don't know what you're talking about, MF rule." blabber. Save it, MF sucks.



You know what doesn't suck? Slayer logos. It's tough to judge the logo of such an awesome metal band without allowing their awesomeness get in the way of your judgement, but the sword pentagram is SO bad-ass that just drawing it makes you more metal. The newer one they used on "Seasons" sucks. It's basically a font. It's called Ironwood. It fucking sucks.


Hmmm... I guess this is as good a time as any to tell you all that I'm a graphic designer

Paul Stanely: Stage Banter All-Star

The entire Metal Inquisition staff is committed to finding the very best in stage banter for the enjoyment of all our readers. As such, it was only a matter of time before we put together a multi-media presentation to share the magic that is Paul Stanley on stage. Listen and be amazed by his effeminate antics, his homoerotic commentary and his vaudeville-style black accent. Even if you are not a Kiss fan, this one is a must. Enjoy.

Metal Inquisition is the #1 result for "manowar thong"

I have had several big moments that I'll never forget: graduating from college, getting married, the birth of my fist child... but none of them compare to today. Because today I saw that Metal Inquisition is the #1 Google result for "Manowar thong."

To our loyal readers, thank you! We couldn't have done it without you!

Hey Krauts: Speak English or Die!

Post by guest Metal Inquisition staffer SkullKrusher

God bless German bands in the 80's. Really. God bless
their riffs, (although often a bit thin for my taste),
God bless their infinite arsenal of bullet belts and
leather pants,God bless their snare drums that sound
like a spoon hitting a pillow, and may the Almighty
bless their sad attempt at sounding evil with their
almost non-existing knowledge of the English
language. Now, English is my second (or third,
depending on who you ask)language and I'm a
far from being a master of Slayer's mother tongue,
but I know my limitations. Yes, I know it was I who
coined the term "Welcome to the Hell", but let's
forget about that for now, ok?

Maybe Destruction, Sodom and Kreator should have pitched in for an
English tutor, before writing lyrics for their early records. I mean,
come on! Sodom's Tom Angelripper actually pronounced the word
"bible" as "beebel." That's just sad. I could find hundreds of examples
of bad English in all these liner notes, but let's just look at one
album: Kreator's 1985 masterpiece (no sarcasm here, this record is
fucking awesome), Endless Pain.



Please follow me in a journey through the past…a past full of evil,
bad grammar and shit that just doesn't make any sense.
"In your heart is hate terror is
freezin' your bones"
What is "hate terror" exactly? Whatever it is, I guess it's cold, because
its "freezin" my bones.
"The voice of Hell sound is so nice"
Yeah, I heard Hell has a lovely singing voice!

"You'll burst down their heads and spread hellish heat"

What other way is there to spread "hellish heat" if not by
"bursting" heads?

"And the're ain't no God who helps
us when we die"
No comment.
"I'll eat your intensities no
matter if you pray or please"
Yummy, intensities are damn good with soy sauce! Pray?
Please? What?

"Casting a spell Lord of all hells
ripping the angels God has fell"
God has "fell"? Dammit, I always wanted to have "fell", but my mom
always said it was too expensive! What is "fell"?

"Locked up doors, don't get out,
thebeast makes death like a game.
He burst heads thrash all down"

Hell yeah, Mille, let's "thrash all down"!! What's this obsession
with bursting heads?

"Fear no god. Now you are dead. Your flesh is
dot rot"

"Dot rot"…did he mean dot com? Maybe they were ahead of their time.

"Flashlight is taking all the flash
from your face
Torture feels like the fastest black race
Dying everyday it is the same
Laughing about the corpses in this game"

This just doesn't make ANY sense. A flashlight? A "fast black race"?
Like Jesse Owens? Laughing at what? I don't get it, but I'm sure it's
pretty fucking evil. As evil as the outfits that they wore to the beach
in the picture up top. Pure evil. 

Nothing Says "Happy Valentine's Day" Like a Kreator Thong

Guys, did you forget valentine's day again? Don't worry, Metal Inquisition staffers have scoured the internet to find the ideal gift for that special someone in your life. What else could express your love like a Kreator thong? Check it out here. Kreator not your style? What about some some nice Suffocation booty shorts?

Manowar's Joey DeMaio wears a man-thong. Why am I not surprised?

Much like the shower scene in the movie Psycho or Jean Cocteau's film oeuvre, this video will surely have film students at NYU writing papers for years. I would normally come up with a list of items that you should look out for while watching a video, but this one really speaks for itself. Just watch it.

Why Does Paul Stanley Speak Like A Southern Black Woman When He's On Stage?

I have no idea how Stanley Harvey Eisen (his real name), a nice Jewish boy from Queens can end up speaking in such an effeminate manner that he comes off as a straight up southern black woman. If you enjoy his over the top, cringe worthy banter.... you're in luck my friend. A fantastic recording titled "People, Let Me Get This Off My Chest" is out. Follow this link to download. Try not to barf and laugh at the same time when you see the cover, taken from his picture on the back of the Crazy Nights album.