Pick Your King

vs.

King Diamond: King of YouTube

My heart got crushed a lot as a kid. First there was no Santa, no Easter Bunny and no Tooth Fairy. Then I discovered that, to my dismay, King Diamond wasn't really the scary monster I thought (and hoped) he was. Man, I used to be scared of him, no joke! We had a Metal Hammer poster on the wall of our room and I didn't look at it at night, 'cuz it used to creep me the fuck out. "Them" is a scary-ass record and the videos weren't really light either. OK, so the band members were pretty glammy-faggy and definitely not scary, but you know what I mean.
As I grew older the fantasy began to dwindle. We (Lucho Metales and I) have talked a lot on MI about various meetings with the Danish Dwarf and how he's as scary as a plate of under-cooked strawberry pancakes. Sadly, these days KD occupies a place in my life which he shares with Carlton Banks, pogs and Thrasher Magazine. You know, those things that make you smirk to yourself when you think about them. Sorry, Speegster, KD is a bit of a joke...



This one is pretty funny. Of course, I'd done a way better job, but I did chuckle a few times. Who knew that the youngsters could be sarcastically funny like this?



Sure, this chick is ugly and has a terrible voice, but something about this video makes want me want to bend her over and record a few intros for a MeatShits 7".



This one has gotten around a bit... I can't tell if the teen on the left is a dude or an ugly broad. All in all, tho, I have to admit I think this video is pretty rad. Here's a quote from Blabbermouth about the clip (thanks, Seth):
In a statement released to BLABBERMOUTH.NET, King Diamond, who saw the clip for the first time earlier this week, said, "OH MY GOD!!!! That just blew me away!!!! Absolutely 200% AWESOME! I [have always said that] we have the best fans in the world! It's so hilarious and at the same time it really makes me feel so honored seeing the level of dedication and how much our fans get out of our music!!"



Best for last. Remember a band named Metallica? Yeah, they were awesome. This video illustrates two theories of mine: King Diamond is a tool and Metallica used to be awesome dorky fun-loving guys, before they became rock-star prick-fucker looser righ-wing assbags.

File under: Who gives a shit.

After watching the Cemetery Gates video about six times while eating my chili, i started to think a little about the motivation behind it. I was bored and had nothing else to do. Chili eating has that moment where the world stops and you begin a journey of exploration into the minds of others. You also try to control your gas. It is a tough journey. No one ever said life was easy.

So I begin and I move forward. The result? if i was to go to get a Master’s degree, it would be called “Retards and the Why?” and it would involve this guy. As a fan of metal I am sure he is not getting any tail, so I imagine he has a lot of time on his hands. So he has decided to teach us how to sing and wear bad facial hair.

The first video up is a lovely little instructional video of how to scream from C5 to C6 as a slide the metal way.



He also has a tribute to Sebastian Bach.



I would recommend subscribing to him or at least bookmarking his own page.

http://www.youtube.com/profile?user=JonBecker200

Please.

Cemetary gates