Metal Inquisition Hurts Mordred's Feelings

Mark this day in your calendar. Today is the day that Metal Inquisition has arrived. Well, the actual day happened sometime ago...but it was only today that we became aware of it. What am I talking about? I'm talking about the fact that the band Mordred's official blog is aware of our existence...and they are also aware of how insanely bad we think they are as a band. The post on their blog is a reaction to this post here at M.I. You can read their reaction here, or just read below. From their blog:

Someone hates Mordred

Now, I'm not one to post negative stuff about the band, past or present, but I've recently been sent a link from Mordred fan Ian Crocker, and am hoping that all Mordred fans will bombard the idiot's who printed the pointless article. Basically, it's a complete slag-off of Mordred, lacking understanding of the music and also tends to get a little personal, so if anyone out there in Mordred land wants to email these bunch of time-wasting cocks, get on board. I've been open to posting bads reviews etc, but this is just a joke.

Reading their take on my post, I went back and re-read my Thanksgiving Day masterpiece. By Metal Inquisition standards, the post was rather tame actually, but did feature some real zingers (if you allow me to give myself some credit.) But really, how could I not have been that brutal on Mordred? How could I pass that opportunity up? I mean, it's THEIR fault for sucking in such an unusual and groundbreaking way. If they had sucked as other bands did (like Heathen, Toxic or Gammacide) I would have pass them up for my Thanksgiving Day post. Flaunting your sucking abilities in front of me by putting out horrible music, and doing terrible interviews....it's like leaving an unlocked Rolls Royce Phantom with the keys in the ignition in front of a crackhouse, and then being surprised when you find out it's gone.

Perhaps the thing I love the most is that the guy's angry response includes a plea for their fans to email us, and respond in some way. As of today, there are no responses on their blog, or ours from fans. We have also not received a single email about this. Apparently, the three relatives that bought their records are no longer fans. Bummer. By the way, this is a picture of the guy who writes and takes care of their blog. No, I'm not kidding. This is really the guy:




Seeing a picture of this guy, is like seeing a rare bird in its natural habitat. His plumage alone is majestic! And look at that fancy shirt! It's as though four or five horrible fashion trends collided to create this gender-neutral beast. If his hair were black, I would almost be forced to use our beloved "elegant gothic aristocrat" label. See, to all of us who live in the western part of this planet, all British people seem aristocratic, particularly when they shop at the same wig store as Phil Spector. Okay, I will merely say this: Mr Mordred blog guy: the entire albino community of aristrocratic douchelords called. They want their wig back.Let's all celebrate this huge occasion by watching Mordered's idiotic take on music, race and culture once again. This video never gets old.

Black Metal-The Prank Call

Perhaps some of you have heard the prank call below at some point, as it's been around for a while. I first heard it from a friend who claimed to know the guys who were responsible for it. I think he said they were in a hardcore band or something like that, and that they had put the call on their demo. You kinda' have put aside the slightly racist, over the top black accent to enjoy it (at least I did), as well as the fact that the whole call is based upon a premise first introduced by A.C. a million years ago (with the song Living Colour Is My Favorite Black Metal Band). Having said that, there are still some gems in there. Certainly helps put the concept of "evil" in black metal further into question.

Metal Inquisition's favorite horror movie: Death Metal Zombies

When you write for one of the leading blogs in the world, as I do, you are often asked questions by people on the street such as:

"Hey, since you write about metal, you must be an expert on really scary things...like listening to an entire Benediction album, or smelling the inside of King Diamond's top hat. Since you know so much about scary things, what is your favorite scary movie to watch around Halloween?

When I'm asked such things on the street, my first response is "Who are you? Get away from me. Let me get into my limo!"




After that, I think about it and only one answer comes to mind. Death Metal Zombies. Although halloween has just passed, there's still time to watch one of the most unbelievable pieces of horror ever put down on consumer-grade VHS tape. If you haven't seen this movie, you might be thinking to yourself that based on the name, it must be a good-ish movie, or that it's so bad, it might be good. Neither is true. The plot of the movie sounds good enough: two idiots who can't act win a tape of what is supposed to be a death metal band (when in reality its just some awful band that the guys who made the movie were friends with, I'm sure), upon listening to one song on the tape, they become zombies. That's it.

Anyway, while the movie does feature multiple bands from the Relapse Records roster (circa 1995) on the soundtrack, the movie is extremely long, the storyline moves at a glacial pace, the acting will make you cringe for such long periods of time that you'll end up with a headache, and the one girl they convinced to get topless will make you dry-heave for days. Having said that, there are just a couple of gems of awfulness hidden in the movie, amidst a sea of boring scenes that go nowhere and aren't scary or funny.

In keeping with Metal Inquisition's ongoing quest for giving our readers only the very best, I've picked out the following choice moments that are sure to delight our readers. I must warn you though, do not be fooled by thinking that the humor levels exemplified in these clips are any indication of what the rest of the movie is like. You will be very disappointed, particularly because the DVD version of this horrible movie is the unedited version. Holy mother of god! If ever there was a movie that could have used MORE editing, it would be this one.


Some of the most memorable quotes in the movie are in this first clip. Please note what might be the absolute best example ever of Metal Mama Jeans®. Note how the pants are up so high, that most of the printing in the Relapse Records t-shirt is hidden under the 16" zipper. There are way too many other great things to point out about this clip. Just watch it.








Pungent Stench reference, awful acting, and the girl uttering the term "pusswad". It's comedy gold, gold I tell you!





Again, too many things to even begin to point out. Check out yet another pair of Metal Mama Jeans®. This girl is a real seductress! Also, an Apple IIe in 1995? What the hell was he doing on that machine, playing Oregon Trail?






I don't know where to begin. Just watch.




If you're not exhausted yet after having watched those clips, I will leave you with one last bit of information. The protagonist of the film, and Ms. Metal Mama Jeans® are still an item. At least it appears that way from his Facebook picture.

Bohemian Rhapsody

I suggest you kick off your weekend by watching this video of my friend Arthur playing Bohemian Rhapsody. Not bad, for a guitar player.

Paul Stanely: Stage Banter All-Star

The entire Metal Inquisition staff is committed to finding the very best in stage banter for the enjoyment of all our readers. As such, it was only a matter of time before we put together a multi-media presentation to share the magic that is Paul Stanley on stage. Listen and be amazed by his effeminate antics, his homoerotic commentary and his vaudeville-style black accent. Even if you are not a Kiss fan, this one is a must. Enjoy.

"We are firmly interested in raging after the show!" Exodus' Paul Baloff—Stage Banter All-Star

Paul Baloff, Exodus frontman (who also sang in Hirax and Piranha) passed away in 2002. Luckily for all of us, he left behind a fantastic legacy of stage banter that puts him up there with some of the best.

Metal Inquisition grafix designers have teamed up to create the video below, which serves as a fine example of Baloff's genius. Enjoy.




I expect full credit for being tasteful and not using the "aneurysm" tag. He died of a stroke you see.

Metal Inquisition Video Vault: Napalm Death's Mick Harris. The Man. The Myth. The Trumpet Noises.

Within the world of metal, Mick Harris has always been considered to be a pioneer. Often credited with inventing the "blast beat", Mick was an integral part of Napalm Death during the band's early years.

That's one side of this man. But there is another side. The side that makes stupid trumpet noises for no reason at all, while embarrassing the hell out of his band mates. How much of this stupidity could you take? What the hell is he talking about? I left my idiot to English dictionary at home.

Notice how uncomfortable Barney seems in the first part of the video. I know he's probably thinking "Benediction was an embarrassment, but this jackass and his creepy trumpet noises really put my old band to shame." In the second part of the video poor Shane Embury is probably thinking to himself "Oh boy, he's gonna do his stupid jumping around, trumpet sound thing....I'll hold the mic for him...God how did I get to this point in my life? I was a musical pioneer, now I'm holding the mic for a spazztic douche while looking like a huge fat mushroom"

Retroview: Scatterbrain- Here Comes Trouble

Hey dude, don't call me dude!

Have you thought about Scatterbrain lately? If not, I don't blame you- they were terrible. But you have to admit that there was something strangely compelling about their brand of funk/thrash/comedy metal. Well, I guess you don't have to, but you know what I mean. They were basically one small, small step removed from Weird Al, which isn't generally a compliment. I thought they were really funny when I was 12.

Musically, they weren't that far removed from other terrible funk/rap metal bands of the time like Mordred, Faith No More, or Slik Toxic. However, the difference was that we laughed with Scatterbrain, while we laughed at those other bands. OK, we laughed at Scatterbrain too, but it was a little different. I look at it this way: if I was going to my 10 year high school reunion, I'd be way less embarrassed to say I'd spent the last few years playing with Scatterbrain than Mordred. But then, I'd probably rather be a registered sex offender than confess to being in Mordred.

Anyway, the early 90s were a weird time. People were experimenting a lot, sometimes it worked out well (Cynic), other times... not so much. But no matter what I say about them, we'll always have the classic video for "Don't Call Me Dude!" in our cultural lexicon, and for that, I am grateful.

Slayer Band Members Didn't Just Recently Become Idiots. They Were Always Idiots.

It's a commonly held belief that members of Slayer (primarily Kerry King) became absolute douchebags only after the release of Decade Of Aggression. While it's true that it was then that matters began to deteriorate, this video is proof that these guys were absolute turds long before the developments that took place in the mid to late 90s (getting fat, getting WWE style tattoos, terrible facial hair). Note the braided goatee, he's giving Scott Ian a run for his money.


Anyway, I remember seeing this video for the first time around 1989 and being so bummed that the guys who I thought were pure evil, were this moronic. It's worth noting that Kerry King actually comes off the best in this video, even though he's holding oversized rosary beads for some reason. Also note the dope Peavy practice amp.

Amazing Moments In Black Metal Video Hisotry Part 2

Thanks to one of our readers, Andrew, for pointing out this black metal gem. This clip is from Austria's equivalent to American Idol (itself a version of a British show). I love how the kid's make-up is wearing off, from waiting in line since five in the morning, and how it looks like he might throw up at times during his performance. Amazingly enough, the kid made it into the show, or at least he appeared in a later episode, which you can see here.

Some might argue that this doesn't count as a "black metal video", since the person featured is an amateur. But I challenge you to watch the Maniac Butcher video and tell me they're not amateurs as well. Come on now.

Amazing Moments In Black Metal Video Hisotry

Most people have probably already seen this Immortal video for the song "Call Of The Wintermoon", but much like National Lampoon's Vacation, everytime it's on...I have to watch it. My personal favorite detail in the video is the grumpy guy with the witch hat from the dollar store. Check it.





Another classic, this time from the Czech band Maniac Butcher. Once you get past the very long fire intro, you will see unbelievable things. How many black metal videos feature air-guitar playing? This one does. How many black metal videos feature street construction cones covered with black pillow cases to hold up tiki torches? This one does. You can just picture the families trying to have a picnic in the park running into these two fools. I feel embarrassed just watching the video.

Does David Vincent Like To Eat Cake? Does He Eat Lemon Pie? Does He Like Microwave Ovens? Does He Like Jacques Cousteau? Find out!

The rapid-fire line of questioning in this unbelievable interview will change the mind of any American who dislikes the French. This guy is my idol. Period. Notice that this interview is from 1989, but the interviewer was already on to how unbelievably cheesy David Vincent was. Amazing.

...like a dead animal on the side of the road...

Do a search for “Glen Benton between song banter” and strike a vein of rich comedy gold that seems to run deeper than anything your mind could imagine. I feel foolish that I never knew this existed, but here it is. I am amazed, I am delighted and I am tickled a brutal blood red. I couldn’t even decide if I should post one section or all. So I bring you all 11:44 minutes of this treat from 1992!



Listen!
To empty threats made by Benton to a man of god.

Listen!
To the ramblings of a death metal front man that sounds like your drunk grandpa.

Listen!
To Benton make fart sounds into the phone in an attempt to replicate a demon growl.

Listen!
To AM talk radio!!!

The crucial time in all of this is at about 10:31. Listen and find out how to accent the punchline to a good joke.

Bah-dum-dum-ching!



Background Detail:

"Glen Benton Vs. Bob Larson" by Comedy Gold!

Heated phone calls between Glen Benton of Satanic death metal group Deicide and Xtian radio and television evangelist Bob Larson. Originally broadcast for free to the general public, live over the AM airwaves on Larson's "Talk Back" show, sometime in 1992.