Bands to watch out for: Biohazard

There are so many bands these days that it can be hard to hear all of them. You don't have all day to order demos from the back of Metal Maniacs, ask Johnny Z what new stuff he has at Rock N Roll Heaven, or browse Napster/PureVolume/YouTube/Twitter/iTunes/MySpace/AOL keyword Thrash, so you need someone to help you sort through the crap and find the best new artists. That's why we're starting a new feature here at Metal Inquisition called Bands To Watch Out For, in which we highlight the best new artists that we think you'll like.

Our first installment is about a hungry young band from Brooklyn called Biohazard. I've seen them at L'Amours a few times, and the Twitterscape can't get enough of them- we think they're going to be big.

Sound
More and more bands these days are combining influences from a lot of styles. For example, Mordred plays a hybrid of thrash, funk, and rap, drawing influence from anything from K-9 Posse to Armored Saint, or Dave Mustaine's new solo album that is equal parts ska, industrial, and rockabilly (with a DJ). Like Mordred, it's really hard to pin down Biohazard's sound.

Most people in New York City ride the subway a lot I think. It seems kinda scary and dirty to me, but I guess if you are from Brooklyn and wear knit hats then you probably look working class and people don't mess with you, so it's probably OK for Biohazard to use it as their main form of transportation.

I had never thought of putting rap lyrics over Agnostic Front riffs, but basically that's what Biohazard does. It kind of reminds me of what a lot of old school hardcore bands like Fury of V, E-Town Concrete, or Comin' Correct were doing back in the early 00's, only not as authentic.

I think the singer collects novelty headwear or something.

I mean I'm sorry, but I don't really buy the tough guy act from a bunch of dudes from Brooklyn!! What happened, someone splashed mud on your new fixie?? LOL! Go cry about it on Bike Snob NYC, don't write a hardcore song about it!

Seems like these guys have a really strong sense of community, like they really want to keep it real and stay connected to their people. For example here the singer is kicking it with some infantile retard from the neighborhood and giving him a tutorial on wiggerish arm movements. Wish I had a mentor like that when I was a kid so I could have been listening to Cold Front and Dmize instead of LFO and Mest :(

I don't listen to a lot of rap, but I think these guys do because a lot of their songs are about how they are from the streets and are really physically intimidating/have been through hard times but are now tougher than ever because they survived it. I know how that feels because I have no idea how I got through my last semester of school- I had 13 credits and was working like three shifts a week checking people's ID at the fitness center at school (I have work-study financial aid). The only thing that kept me going was listening to "Tales From The Hardside" on my Zune and repeating to myself "I can do this! I can do this!"

I found this interview with them on YouTube, they seem really intent on talking about how bad the neighborhood they live in is. They could probably find something affordable in a nicer place if they would just spend a few minutes on Craigslist. My friend says that Jersey City has some cool bars and isn't as lame as it sounds, it seems kind of far out to me though. Also, if they lived somewhere nicer then they probably wouldn't be as inspired by all the urban discipline they see every day so maybe it's better for them to stay in Canarsie, I don't know.

It's really life-affirming stuff to hear about how these guys survive against the gritty backdrop of Brooklyn and channel all their pain into their band- super inspiring for me. I have some friends who are going to school in New York and they are dealing with a lot of the same things; rent is really expensive in Williamsburg now and they can barely get by on their student loans/allowance. A lot of them even had to get jobs. They do a couple iPod DJ gigs a month for extra cash, which sucks because they have a lot of homework and it's easy to fall behind on it, then next thing you know you get an angry phone call from your mom because she looked online at your grades and you have a B- in "History of Sex."

I think the guy with the missing teeth is the one from the cafeteria. I'm going to ask my mom about Pratt's dental insurance, maybe he can get them fixed.

Anyway, it doesn't really say exactly what the guys in Biohazard do for a living in their lyrics but from the looks of them I imagine they probably drive Pepsi delivery trucks in Queens, work at gas stations, or just do like random manual labor because they can't read. I could swear I saw one of them working in the cafeteria when I went to visit my friend at Pratt, but I didn't want to ask if it was him because he looked really mad (he was the one at the sundae bar and got kind of pissy when I asked him for double sprinkles [but he didn't charge me extra, he probably could tell I was cool because I was wearing a Suicide Silence shirt]).

This looks like a Saturday Night Live sketch. Is that Andy Samberg in a wig?

Image/Branding
They seem like cool guys who like to have fun, but I feel like they're trying a little hard to do the whole Municipal Waste/Toxic Holocaust thing. I mean they're definitely good at it, but the thing is that they take it a little too far. In order for it to be funny, it has to be a little bit believable, you know? We talked about this in my "Entertainment Business" class the other day: If all you do is combine every ridiculous cliche from crossover fashion into your characters, it's too much. You have to use some restraint or you just end up looking like a cartoon. Overkill, Toxik, and Xentrix are much better at doing the retro-thrash thing without going over the top.

The singer seems kind of confused. He looks like David Vincent meets Ashton Kutcher circa 2002. The whole trucker hat thing is kind of played out and it doesn't really make any sense when coupled with the leather vest, I think he should just choose one look to focus on. I don't know what he is going for but I'm not really into hipster metal.

Also, it's sort of hard to understand them when they talk. They all sound like Rocky or something, or like they just got back from the dentist and their tongues are all swollen and numb. I don't know if maybe if they all met in some kind of support group for people with traumatic brain injuries but it seems like they should see if their parents' insurance covers speech therapy (I asked my mom and she said it should, she is a claims processor for Aetna).

I don't know who the black guys in this video are but it's cool that Biohazard earned their respect, I guess if you are from Brooklyn and stuff people will treat you like a badass.

In this video Bobby from Biohazard is interviewing the singer for some band called The Madballs. I'm not familiar with them but they seem lame, the guy is wearing a hat that says "DMS" on it, which I guess is his fraternity or whatever. You're in Europe, dummy, nobody knows about your stupid frat!

I've been thinking about getting a tattoo (if my parents say it's OK). I want to make sure that my first one is something I'm really happy about. The singer for Biohazard was on Miami Ink and he got this one. I think he's going to regret it- why would a skull be saying "for the win"?? It doesn't even make sense LOL!

What's next?
I feel like kids now are really open-minded so I see big things for Biohazard. It's not like before where a kid would only listen to one kind of music. For example, I have really eclectic tastes. One minute you will find me listening to Exhorder and the next I will be playing Pantera. I think a lot of other kinds are the same, so they will probably really like how Biohazard is like half rap, half power groove. I'm not really into their whole "hipster metal" image with the ironic hats/crunk parts and stuff, but whatever, the music is good so I can look past it.

Biohazard's singer is yet another dude from Brooklyn who thinks it's cool to drink cheap beer, how original. I'm so over hipster metal! Go listen to Mastodon you jerk!!

If you are into bands who aren't afraid to cross genre boundaries like Mucky Pup, Dance Hall Crashers, and Violent Playground, you will probably really like Biohazard! Definitely pick up their tape if you see it at Camelot, I am pretty sure they still have a few copies left at the Everett Mall.

Welcome to the "No-Thrash Zone": Embarassing Confessions About Growing Up Non-metal in Small Town America

It's been a fucking wild past couple of days--Farrah Fawcett, Michael Jackson, Karl Malden and Billy Mays are dead and Bernie Madoff will be rotting in prison for the next 150 years. Since I'm still recovering from all this shocking news and busy being lazy and Lucho and his bro are on vacation and the Sarg is busy fulfilling his fantasies of being a 16 year old scene slut I bring to you another reader contributed post, this time from Mr. Shelby Cobras. It's a touching piece that deals with the loss of innocence and finding one's metal self. I hope you enjoy!

Sergeant D is applauded by a group of sniveling yes-men at a recent Metal Inquisition Excellence In Blogging Seminar just outside of Sioux Falls, South Dakota.

It is fairly obvious that the creators of Metal Inquisition are slowly falling out of touch with their hip, young readership. As Sergeant D's elderly mind slowly waddles off into territory best left unexplored and Lucho Metales spends more and more time pontificating on crates of garbage from his youth, M.I.'s so-called "fan base" is losing interest quickly. That's why I'm here. You see, I'm only 30 (a "spring chicken" by comparison) and had a completely different experience in my metal education. While the creators of Metal Inquisition grew up attending the earliest Milwaukee Metal Fests and tape-trading with dudes from Impetigo, I grew up in a small town completely devoid of any sort of metal element whatsoever (Eureka, California - an hour south of the Oregon border with a population of roughly 25,000). With all due respect to Sr. Metales, Eureka was every bit as isolated (metal-wise) from any sort of cultural center, 5 hours from San Francisco and 8 from Portland. Lucho often complains that he had to subsist on 3-year-old copies of Metal Hammer, but we couldn't get Metal Hammer AT ALL, 3 years old or otherwise. It was a lot like Footloose, except with metal instead of dancing. Eureka was a cultural wasteland, devoid of access to "underground" music (besides our own little sheltered scene) or cool places to buy T-shirts. The closest (decent) record store was 20 minutes away in Arcata, and while their "punk" selection was decent, their "metal" selection was limited to stuff like Barren Cross, Cold Lake, and Stryper. While a few death metal bands existed in the area (such as Empire of Dust, Locust Furnace, and Transi), Hessians at the time were usually big, scary, leather clad barbarians, with swastika tattoos and goats living in their kitchen (this is NOT an exaggeration). As a result, me and my friends were denied access to all but the most "mainstream" metal bands of the early 90's, causing my metal upbringing to be backwards, scattershot, and most of all, embarassing. For example, I heard Cryptopsy WAY before I ever heard Broken Hope or Morbid Saint. My first exposure to At The Gates was on the flipside of a dubbed cassette copy of Stikky's Where's My Lunchpail?. I heard Formulas Fatal To The Flesh YEARS before Blessed Are The Sick. As Mike Browning could tell you, time was moving in the WRONG DIRECTION. By the time I heard Butchered At Birth and Legion in 1995, it was already too late. So here's a list of my 5 most embarassing secrets concerning my "metal education". I'm sure that not all of you can relate to the rich metal upbringing that the senile old codgers at Metal Inquisition were fortunate enough to be exposed to. But maybe some of you guys can relate to MY embarassing past, and the sad events that served as milestones for me.


1) MY INTRODUCTION TO "METAL" WAS D.R.I.'S THRASH ZONE This is tough to admit, but Thrash Zone was the album that actually GOT ME INTO METAL. In my freshman year at Eureka High School, I was listening to some really weak shit, like Pearl Jam and Alice In Chains. So when my buddy Julian showed up one day with a copy of Zone, it seemed like a breath of fresh air. Although the songs were way too long, unbearably stupid, and featured dudes in their 30's spouting lines like "School's a job... but... you... don't get paid!", we had no frame of reference whatsoever. D.R.I. sounded like nothing we'd ever heard before. When they shouted "Like a wild Indian from outer space / Drunk and high on WEED!", it pumped our nads. Although we'd never actually been in a mosh pit, we could FEEL the intensity. Soon, me and Julian had formed our own (instrumental) "thrash" band, which we called Kill Whitey (Flesh Parade later stole the name from us). We had a Christian dude named Matt on bass, and we totally RULED. Unfortunately, Kill Whitey didn't last long, as Julian got addicted to speed and ended up stealing my baseball card collection for drug money. But I got the last laugh, because he eventually went to prison for multiple armed robberies. Oh, and I was making out with his younger sister behind his back the whole time. Sucker! Sing along with the old classic, D.R.I.'s "Thrashard", which features quite possibly the best use of fake crowd noises EVER (con sibtitulos en Espanol):

2) THE FIRST TIME I EVER HEARD ANTHRAX, IT WAS ON THAT REMAKE OF "BRING THA NOIZE" THEY DID WITH PUBLIC ENEMY Embarassing but true. I was a huge fan of P.E., beginning with the release of Apocalypse 91 back in, um, 1991. But what really blew me away was the totally innovate amalgamation of rap and metal they placed at the end of the album, a totally slammin' little ditty called "Bring Tha Noize". After doing some deep research (i.e. reading the liner notes), I found that the song was a collaboration with an awesome group of surf-trunks-wearing thrashers called Anthrax. I quickly rounded up copies of Attack of the Killer B's and Sound of White Noise, which, to my knowledge, were the only releases from these rap-metal masters. They even threw some sweet funk into the mix, which to my 13-year-old mind seemed like the best idea EVER. With 20/20 hindsight, it is fairly obvious that Public Enemy has retained their dignity better than Anthrax over the years, Flavor of Love nonwithstanding.

3) I USED TO PUT SLAYER AT THE END OF MIX TAPES... AS A JOKE I spent LOTS of time making mix tapes for my bros (and yes, chicks I had "secret" crushes on) in the early 90's. Usually chock-full of hideous garbage like Screeching Weasel, NOFX, Guttermouth, and Skankin' Pickle, these tapes were, unfortunately, a pretty accurate documentation of where my head was at the time. But the best part about making a mix tape was the extra time at the end of each side, which I liked to fill up with random sound clips and comedy bits and stuff. Usually anywhere from a couple seconds to about 2 minutes long, these leftover areas were a great place for me to flex my creative mix tape muscle, inserting samples from Adam Sandler's comedy album ("Fuck me in the goat ass!" was a popular choice) or a piece of dialogue from a cartoon I had dubbed off TV. But here's where it gets embarassing: My friend Nate, who had been a metalhead in the past but "progressed" to pop-punk, was embarassed of his old music collection and kicked me down his copy of Slayer's 1991 live album Decade of Aggression. This hurts to say, but Decade was the FIRST TIME I ever heard Slayer. Immediately confused by the excessive speed and pointless guitar solos, Slayer became my new favorite for time-consuming mix tape fodder, a ridiculously over-the-top "joke band" I could add on in 30 second increments to fuck with my friends. Unfortunately, by the time I realized that Slayer was actually pretty good (1994 or so), they had already gotten bad again. Oh well. Looking back on this, I would probably still use Slayer songs to take up extra time at the end of mix tapes, if I still made them. Except it would be jock-rock stuff like the songs on Christ Illusion or that cover they did of "Born To Be Wild". That shit is hilarious.

4) THE BLACK ALBUM WAS THE FIRST METALLICA TAPE I EVER BOUGHT AND it was the first time I'd ever even HEARD Metallica. AND I liked it. Wow, it actually feels kind of good to get that off my chest.

5) BODY COUNT SEEMED SCARY AND HARSH Keep in mind that this was before Ice T had appeared in Tank Girl (right) or smoked a joint with the Leprechaun in Leprechaun In The 'Hood. We was some backwoods, rural folks out there in Humboldt County, and "Cop Killer" seemed like the most hardcore, gangster, inner-city shit out there. Never mind Beatmaster V's inabilty to play a steady beat or Ernie C's atonal, amateur solos. Body Count was the REAL DEAL, a ghetto nightmare come to life on our very own Discman. Ice T was, without a doubt, a ruthless killer, a hardened criminal and a threat to the security of our country. And rap-metal, like I said before, seemed like a really good idea. In retrospect, it's pretty amazing that ANYONE could take the band that wrote a song like "The Winner Loses" seriously. Except Eastern Europeans, of course (PS - these two videos were the only versions of said song I could find on Youtube).

Above and below: Two crown jewels from my mid-90's Humboldt Metal collection, Drunk By Noon's I'd Call In Sick If I Had A Job cassette demo (featuring the songs "Meat Box" & "Morbid Goat") and Locust Furnace's Ignorance Through Perception. The Locust Furnace CD is actually pretty good, but take a close look at the cover art. They just cut out and blew up a chunk of the cover art from Altars of Madness. Genius.

Now that I've gotten all this shameful information off my chest, I'd like to add one more thing, something that I've never told ANYONE: Once, when I was about 10 and bedridden with a terrible fever, I crapped my bed. There, I said it.

Now that we're acquainted, please take a moment to check out MY blog, Illogical Contraption, which one reviewer called "quite possibly the best thing on the internet, EVER" and another dude referred to as "the poor man's Metal Inquisition". Which it is.

Where are they now: Danny Spitz (with a little Nicko McBrain thrown in for good measure)

Check out Danny's eyes, he's looking in 27 different directions at the same time.

Known the world-over for our hard-hitting research and investigative reports, Metal Inquisition once again steps up to deliver the goods. This time we are looking into one of our favorite figures in the world of metal. I'm referring, of course, to the leading 5'1", cross-eyed watchmaker in the greater Boca Raton area: Danny Spitz.

We've reported before about Danny's business ventures, but decided to take a closer look at his life, and accomplishments away from the world of metal. What did we find? Some watches, some Maiden and a whole lot of baby Jesus.

Who's that tiny man behind the big desk? Is that one of Santa's elves hard at work in the workshop?

After years of playing with Anthrax, Danny was kicked out due to "a severe disinterest in playing guitar." After that time, Danny decided to cut his ties to music, going as far as ripping out all stereos from has cars. This is according to his website, but to be fair he probably did so because a cassette of Attack Of The Killer B's was probably stuck in there. Can you blame the guy? I'd rip out my car stereo too. He also gave away most of his guitars to Hard Rock Cafes all over the world. Damn! If any reader has seen his Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Jackson flying-v while munching on a delicious cheeseburger in a Hard Rock Cafe in a Caribbean island, please let me know on the double! I dream of being in the presence of that sweet axe!

I dream of looking at that amazing fretboard while I dine on a fine cheeseburger.

It was at that time that Danny went on to pursue his life-long dream of learning how to replace watch bands, and batteries. Perhaps one day he was walking by a Dakota Watch Company stand at the mall, and he thought to himself "I really want to change batteries and watchbands, just like that teenager. By god, I will pursue this dream!". Danny got a bunch of degrees in Switzerland from schools no one has ever heard of, and he's now licensed to change the batteries in my Casio calculator watch.

Danny on graduation day in Switzerland. Is that Lars Ulrich to his right? Does this mean that Lars also knows how to change my watch battery? If it is Lars, he's actually the tallest person in a picture for once!

Danny now owns his own repair shop in Boca Raton, and has attempted to launch his own watch company. It was at his Boca Raton shop that he reconnected with Nicko McBrain from Iron Maiden, who went in to get a strap on his watch replaced or something. This is where things get more interesting, at least for me. Nicko and Danny started making music in Danny's studio after meeting up at the shop. Aside for their shared love of music, watches, and living in Florida (who knew Boca Raton was the preferred retirement spot for aging rockers?), they are both really into Jesus. Big time. You see, Danny was born Jewish, but converted to Messianic Judaism, which really has nothing to do with Judaism. They believe in good ol' JC, and are similar to Jews For Jesus. As a matter of fact, once you convert to Messianic Judaism, Israel will refuse to give you citizenship. But enough about that. Turns out, Nicko is also way into the Lord. He converted upon setting foot inside Spanish River Church, a Boca Raton mega-church, after his wife begged him to go. Once inside the church, he began to cry uncontrollably, according to him.

Nice to see that Nicko has already started to wear the standard-issue David Koresh glasses. Nothing accents a pug-face like his like those shop safety glasses do. Nice job Nicko.

So it makes sense that these two started to play music. Though there is no word from Anthrax about Danny's possible attempts to convert them, Nicko says the following about Iron Maiden:

"I can't say to you that I'm trying to convert all these guys in my band to be Christians. I'm leading them on my route, and if they choose to follow what God's plan is in the Bible, that's up to them. I say to them all, you know, look, in my belief, at the moment, if you turn to your saviour Jesus Christ, I'll have eternal life in Heaven with you!"

Anyway the band they started, called 7x70 (a biblical refereence), also featudred Vanilla Ice (no joke), and Dave Ellefson from Megadeth, though Dave never actually played with them. No material was ever released. It's sad that the world missed out on the amazing music that such a brain trust would surely put together. Can you imagine? I picture it starting out with the bass line from Peace Sells. After that, the drums from Run To the Hills start up (yes, I know Clive Burr played that song originally) and then some sweet leads kick in courtesy of Danny. Once it all gets going, Vanilla Ice starts rapping over the whole thing. Can you say "amazing"?

Danny is currently doing another band with members from Accept and King Diamond, who are no doubt born again christians of some sort as well. Danny actually unveiled his plans for this band at the Cornerstone Festival. In his site he wrote:

I do feel (as I did in the past) that I have created an entirely new sound never heard by the human ear before.

"As I did in the past"? Is he talking about his solo in "Indians", because I would have to agree. That shit was blazin'! Anyway, Danny is now married to a woman named Candi. Who he said this about:

Not to confuse all you horny men out there that might think I have found the love of my life by her looks, big boobs, and fine butt alone... but Candi is the most kind-hearted, giving, and devoted partner I have ever had the pleasure of touching. She is a gift from the Lord and has an extensive education uinder her blonde belt.

Uh...okay. Candi is the daughter of a lesbian singer from Tampa, who primaraly sings Judy Garland showtunes. This is her site. They have twins together, who act in Volkswagen commercials (the latest ones for the minivan which star Brooke Shields) and were also in the Batman movie. If you are way into babies, you can read a whole interview about them here. Move over Olsen twins! Mini-Daddy needs to cash in after being fired from Anthrax!

Oh my! Look at that facial hair! Do I detect a mild case of Robb Flynn's disease? Also, those are so amazingly sculpted eyebrows.

After typing all this down, I'm both tired and depressed. I'm gonna' go listen to Among The Living while I take a nap.

Retroview: Crazytown discography

Introduction
Many of us look back on the late 90s with a mixture of horror, disgust, and amusement. After all, those are the years that brought us Lincoln Park, Korn, Limp Bizkit, Kid Rock, and legions of other bands that combined the most annoying and ignorant aspects of white trash and poor black people. By now, most readers of Metal Inquisition will already know where I'm headed with this- I love all those bands! The late 90s were SWEET! They produced Mandy Moore, Christina Augilera, Blink-182 and Jordan Knight's comeback song, all of which are still totally great. But maybe the very best of late 90s douche rock was Crazytown, and it's time that Metal Inquisition gave them their due!

But first, on the future of the media business...
If you read gay, shitty magazines like Wired, they will tell you that physical media are dead. They'll say that nobody buys CDs anymore, that digital distribution is the future. They couldn't be more wrong. I am listening to pirated Guttural Secrete MP3s as I type this, but when it comes to bands you really love, you want to own the physical artifact. I definitely love Crazytown, so before I wrote this, I hopped on eBay and picked up the entire CxT discography, for a grand total of 74 cents. I know what you're thinking: I got ripped off! But not so fast: both CxT albums were 1 cent each, although I had to pay 72 cents for Shifty's solo album. I'm not sure what makes that one worth 36 times more than the other two put together, but valuation of physical assets is kind of a black art that I don't totally understand, so I was OK with paying top dollar to get these albums that mean so much to me.

The Gift of Game (1999)
The cover of this album has some hottie on it sucking on a lollipop, I guess because they want you to imagine her performing oral sex, and that makes you think about her having a penis in her mouth instead of a lollipop. I have a hard time getting aroused by her, though, because she combines every awful 90s trend into a single image: tribal tattoos, excessive piercings, Betty Page hair, arched eyebrows, and I'm guessing she's wearing Mudd jeans, even if you can't see them. In any case, you probably only know the hit single "Butterfly," but actually this record is packed with sick jams from top to bottom.



My favorite song is "Darkside," which showed the world that Crazytown was versatile, going from tender ballads like "Butterfly" to uptempo rockers like this song. In case you thought CxT didn't know anything about rock, Shifty's lyrics in "Darkside" namecheck the Circle Jerks, Bad Brains, Sex Pistols and all kinds of other ill shit:

Nasty na na, ha, ha
Darkside marijuana.
Fueled of the drama.
Drifting on the darkside.
I’m the black eye bomber.
Do what I do on a darkside
Rendezvous.
Raising hell, out the shell.
Of fantasies I never tell.
Dispersin’ untamed perversion.
My bad brain’s working,
Circle jerking, rocking riddles,
Sex pistol, sexperts
Acting uncivil.

Damn, son!! That shit got me almost as excited as when I saw Mark McGrath wearing a Circle Jerks shirt in Sugar Ray's video for "Answer The Phone." If that wasn't enough for you, click here for a really good live version of "Darkside."



The album closes with "B-Boy 2000," which is an awesome rap/rock thingamajig featuring KRS-ONE (famous for declaring that the "li-bary" is "where they bury the lies!"). I really like the song, but there is one part I wish they would have changed. I know Shifty isn't strong in terms of quantitative methods (I mean, if he even has a GED I'd be pretty amazed), but when he drops the line "Destroying MCs with my vocal algebra," I wish that he would have said something like "vocal differential equations" or even just "verbal Lagrangian relaxation." It just sucks because I don't think he realizes that a reasonably smart 7th grader should have a pretty good handle on algebra, you know? On the other hand, I think even his staunchest critics would be quite impressed if he could, for example, uncover arbitrage opportunities with simply his lyrics!



Darkhorse (2000)
This is the album that helped me realize that I was a douchebag. More specifically, I saw that I started out as an ironic douchebag that just listened to CxT for a joke, but had become an honest-to-god, authentic douchebag that seriously liked them. I remember the moment as though it was yesterday. I was lifting weights, and the song "Skulls and Stars" from this album came on my iPod, and I thought to myself, "Man, the lyrics to this song are really good! I can't believe I used to laugh at this band, they're seriously good." Then I thought, "Holy shit, I just flexed in the mirror while telling myself that Crazytown is a great band. What have I become?!" I'd like to think that Shifty would have been proud of me. He'd be all, "Fuck it dude, it doesn't matter what anybody thinks. People told us we were crazy for combining rock and rap, but we flipped the script on those fools. Don't even trip, fuck the haters, bro!" He's right. You can laugh at me and Shifty if you want, but just remember: they called Galileo a fool, too!

As far as the cover goes, it depicts what seems to be the same girl from their first album, only now she has a better haircut, wings, and she looks really tired. I don't get it, but I'm sure that Shifty and Epic have a hella deep explanation for every detail in the image. They always do, sort of like on Miami Ink how some self-absorbed sorostitute will come in and ask for a tattoo of a dolphin on her hip, then drone on for 20 minutes about what it symbolizes.



Split 7" with Paul Oakenfold (2003?)
After their second album, Crazytown released a three-way split 7" with Paul Oakenfold and Psycho on Ax/Ction Records featuring the single "Starry Eyed Surprise." I first heard it in a Coke commercial that they played at the theater before some movie (this is also how I discovered Forever The Sickest Kids- yay Movietunes). It is possibly the ultimate summer jam, right up there with "Steal My Sunshine."


Shifty - Happy. Love. Sick. (2004)
First, here is a review I wrote for Rolling Stone of Shifty's solo effort:

Upon initial contact with Shifty's music, I had envisioned him to be an ill-mannered and psychologically unstable man with an extremely uneducated and barbaric frame of mind, whose raps displayed nothing but ridiculous jargon, shocking sexual audacity and repulsive images of the ghetto.

However, after further analysis of his music I can deduce that he is the epitome of antidisestblishmentarianism who embodies the entire spectrum of the urban experience and struggle.

But to make things more plain and simple to the layman, I find Shifty to be the dopest, flyist, O.G. pimp hustler gangster player hardcore motherfucker living today. To be honest I'm totally and irrevocably on his dick.

Anyway, here are a couple of things I bet you didn't know about Shifty and CxT:

• DJ AM, most known for banging Nicole Richie, was CxT's DJ on their first record (lolz @ his credibility if anybody finds out about that)
• Shifty appeared in the film Clifford with Martin Short

Closing thoughts
I have come to terms with the fact that I seriously like Crazytown. At first I thought it would be funny to listen to them as a post-ironic bit, like "Hay guyz I like the absolute worst band on the planet, look at me!" And it is pretty funny in that context. But like I said earlier, I turned the corner, and I honestly like their music. I seriously think their first album is really catchy and fun and I am kind of mad that I never saw them live.

Not only that, but I feel like Shifty and I could definitely have a bromance after seeing him on Celebrity Rehab. He needs someone like me in his life to help him chill out and focus on what's really important. Maybe we could start doing yoga or something, then have some hella deep conversations at the juice bar afterwards, I don't know.

Rick Ta Life begins his hip hop career

OK, so this isn't technically metal, but it's close enough. And more importantly, if we didn't share this with the world, we'd be committing a crime against humanity so atrocious it would make Slobodan Milosevic and Darfur look like a McDonald's bounce castle... Ladies and gentlemen, we present to you legendary New York hardcore figure Rick Ta Life's rap debut!

Click here for his MySpace to hear his song!

I love hip hop. Before I was ever into punk, metal, and hardcore, I worshipped Special Ed, Gangstarr, Kool G Rap, Rakim, Slick Rick, Eazy-E, and all the other stars of Yo MTV Raps. I also love both shitty rap-metal (Limp Bizkit, Downset) and shitty metal-rap (Necro, Ill Bill, Goretex), but I have to draw the line here. This is below even Rick Ta Life's abyssmally low standards. He wouldn't even bootleg this on Back Ta Basics. I honestly think this is even worse than Insane Clown Posse! I never, ever dreamed that I would type that sentence, but I also never dreamed that Rick Ta Life would become an MC. Although I suppose after his stint as a jockey, nothing should be surprising.

In case you're not familiar with Rick, he has some background information that should be, uh, informative:

About NYHC King RTL
GOD IS MY CO PILOT ,MY SAVIOR,MY BROTHAZ FOR LYFE, I LUV YAS ROGER AF,JOE HC ,KING BETO, DREW STONE OG NYHC ,BOBBY BIOHAZARD-CHUMLEY DRI-KRIS MISSION ,BOB RILEY CHRIS POWER ,CRUCIFIED PETE OG SIB DAMIEN BURNZ ,LORD EZEC AKA DANNY DIABLO , EZRA THE GREAT OBHC ,PETEY PABBLO,,J SKAMZ, RICHIE KRUTCH, CRIMZN,JAY REASON,MARK BFL, B2K BFL,JOE HATE FTR,JOEY FTR RENO FTR,DANNY NSK -JEFF LOCKDOWN,CHAPPY UPSTATE,NICK D 141, ,MADBALL-,FOREVER TRUE REPRESENT NYHC 4 LYFE- STRENGTH INTEGRITY BROTHERHOOD ,DRUG FREE ,SXE, NO DRINK NO SMOKE

I am not sure if he suffered severe head trauma at some point in life or if he was born this way but I'm honestly suspicious that he is functionally illiterate. There is only one way to find out: if any of our readers in New Jersey have some spare time, please follow him to McDonald's and see if he orders from the picture menu. His seemingly arbitrary use of superfluous commas and dashes reminds me of a note you would find in the park that some crazy guy scrawled on the back of an Arby's bag. And who is "BOBBY BIOHAZARD-CHUMLEY"? Did he get married to some Mr. Chumley and hyphenate his last name because he didn't want to lose his identity? And "NO DRINK NO SMOKE"? Wow...

This is the hardcore version of Robb Flynn's Disease... so, so depressing. Oof.

As for his music, unfortunately we can't embed the song from his MySpace on here. Instead, we will demonstrate his vocal ability with this live performance clip:



I destroyed my 25 Ta Life records years ago, so I can't verify this right now, but I remember their songs having lyrics that were different than what he is singing above, which sounds to be "YUB YUB YUB!"

Anyhow, if you'd like to learn more about Rick, listen to what Ezec has to say about him in the legendary and incredibly awesome NYHC documentary. In the mean time, let's just hope that Rick can hook up with Dipset or Neptunes and get his hip hop career on the right track. At this point, even Swisha House would be a step in the right direction (by the way, swishahouse.biz is maybe the best domain ever registered!).

Andreas Kisser forced to play with Scorpions to pay rent — Cavalera brothers overheard saying "mission accomplished!"

Though some thought Soulfly was an actual band, it was merely a dress rehearsal for Max Cavalera's masterpiece, The Cavalera Conspiracy. From the moment the band began, the entire world has been laughing, but today we received news which clearly show that the band is no laughing matter at all. As it turns out, The Cavalera Conspiracy is not just the name of a band, but an actual conspiracy put together by the Cavalera brothers to do two things:

1. Take over the world's entire urban camouflage supply

2. Keep former Sepultura member Andreas Kisser from earning an honest living by playing in any semi-relevant musical act.

Proof that the Cavalera brothers have succeeded in accomplishing their second goal comes to us in the form of Andreas playing with Scorpions. Yes, he's a current touring member of the band. Can you imagine that the incoherent guy who did that rad 180 flip in the video for "Inner Self" has had to pimp himself to aging rockers like the Scorpions? I know that maniacs like Mr. Gene Hoglan's Balls enjoy early Scorpions material (last time he was at my house, he played side A of The Tokyo Tapes at least ten times), but this is so sad. It's about as sad as Max's camo bandana, or as sad as the one dude in Soulfly wearing a backpack while he plays guitar.

Can you think of a better band than BODY COUNT?? No.

Lucho Metales studied this photo carefully for fashion tips back in the early 90s

This article is about the band. For the number of people killed in an event, see body count. For the game, see Operation: Body Count. For the film, see Below Utopia.

BC BC BC BODY COUNT MOTHERFUCKER!!

Of all the thousands of albums I've owned over the years, the zillions of hours I've spent going to shows, it is with the utmost confidence that I say the ones that involved Body Count were the best. I own all their records and I am happy to say I've seen them three times. I could literally write a twelve-volume series about how much I love Body Count, but in the interest of brevity I will simply leave you with some of my favorite Body Count moments.

1. "Strippers"
My Body Count experience are like my children: it's hard to single out just one as my favorite. But if I had to choose one child, even if it meant condemning the rest to death, it would be the incredible lyrics to "Strippers," off of "Born Dead":

A porno star, you're in 3-D,
you're right in front of me,
under the strobe lights,
moving that ass right, lap dance,
I'm 'bout to bust in my pants.
Goddamn baby, take my money,
take my life, I'll diss friends,
I'll leave my wife.
Every night I'm in the front row waitin.
Contemplating, masturbating.
Tell me what to do and it's done,
You whisper in my ear tell me
I'm the one,
last night I think I gave you 15 hun,
but as for a date, I can't get one.
Strippers
I want my dick sucked.
Strippers
I wanna bust a nut.
(MONOLOGUE)
CHORUS
You're worse than a whore,
you won't fuck.
I wanna fuck you so damn bad
I'll give you anything you want
you can have my pad.
Girl I'll kill for you,
take my jewels, my cash.
Just put that pussy on my dick
and baby move that ass.
Your tits are so fat, I wanna
suck 'em dry
Push your clit near my face, I just
might try
Stick that ass out, stick it out baby,
you simulate your suckin my dick
drives me crazy.
I wanna ram it in your ass right now,
tonight baby I think I gave ya damn
near two thou,
you push your puss on my dick
you make my balls turn blue -
Don't make me rape you.
Strippers
CHORUS

Now I am a huge fan of pornogrind, and I can listen to Gut, AC, Meatshits, and Cemetery Rapist without batting an eyelash, but this is a whole new level of misogyny that is shocking and more than a little bit disturbing even to someone like me that thinks "Women, Nature's Punching Bag" is hilarious. But there is something about the menacing tone of Ice-T's voice when he says "I wanna ram it in ya ass right now" that makes me say, "Ice, I can't stay mad at you!!"

2. Warped Tour 1997
The second time I saw Body Count was at Warped Tour in 1997 or something, the same one that Eminem, the Vandals and Blink-182 played. I think Skarhead also played this show. Anyhow, Ice-T played several Body Count songs in his set, and everybody booed. It was a tough crowd: a bunch of teenage punk rockers that definitely weren't trying to watch Ice, Mooseman, Beatmaster V, Ernie C and D Rock get down.

But Ice kept his cool. He said, "All y'all motherfuckers booin, you probably think Ice-T shouldn't be up on this stage. You think I don't know shit about punk rock, about heavy metal, but you know what? I did joints with motherfuckin' Slayer. I did a joint with The Exploited. So fuck you!"

And I had to hand it to the crowd, because they acknowledged that Ice had made a very convincing argument. I mean The Exploited are arguably the worst band ever to play a note of music, and Slayer has always been average at best, but he certainly established his credibility. I could see everyone kind of shrug and turn to their friends as if to say "You know, he's got a point!" And from then on, those punk-ass kids gave Ice the respect he deserved.



3. Their covers

Their first album had a legitimately sweet cover. This image was great because, along with the lyrics and music, it represented everything that scared the shit out of white people in 1991. Contrast with the famous and extremely un-intimidating image of Tupac that you can buy posters of at flea markets everywhere in which he looks like he's maybe pushing 135 soaking wet.

Now this one, I'm not sure what happened. I know that Ice was just trying to convey the unique patois of urban residents, but "Mothaf'ck'n' Dead!" feels about as authentic as "Honkey Grandma Be Trippin'."

See how the one crib looks like a coffin, and it has cobwebs on it? That's because one of the infants in this otherwise unremarkable (although poorly organized) nursery was BORN DEAD!!

Lock Up Your Children: A Tale Of Robb Flynn's Disease

I am bummed the fuck out. Do you want to know why? Because I recently discovered that one of my metal heroes has contracted Robb Flynn’s Disease. According to the doctors, he doesn’t have much time left. It’s a very advanced case and it’s spreading rapidly. Brothers and sisters of metal, the only way we're ever going to put an end to this horrible affliction is by educating ourselves. It's with this goal in mind that I share with you the tragic case of former Morbid Saint (retroview forthcoming) guitarist, Jay Visser.

I first received the bad news via email from a concerned Metal Inquisition reader (thanks, CC). He’d found out about Jay’s condition when he stumbled upon this eBay auction. My initial reaction to reading the listing was “Why the FUCK is Jay Visser selling his BC Rich Ironbird!?” Then I saw it…the image that will haunt me for the rest of my life. A bloated, middle-aged Jay Visser with braids down to his waist in a matching Boxshaft (his new band) longsleeve and over-sized cargo pants playing what HAS to be shitty nu metal. At first I didn’t believe my eyes. I refused to accept that it was real. I was convinced that it must be some internet prankster, but no prank was to be had. This was reality and the cruelty of life seemingly knew no bounds. Jay Visser, former shredmaster for Morbid Saint, one of the most raging thrash metal bands ever, had succumbed to the worst of all possible fates.



What motivates a grown man from Sheboygan, Wisconsin that played on one of the greatest thrash metal records of all time to start dressing like an angst-ridden teenager, braid his hair, and join what looks like a KoRn tribute band? It can't be pussy because there's NO WAY he's getting laid looking like that, not even in Wisconsin. I'm afraid we may never know because chances are we'll never get to peer inside the enigmatic mind of Jay Visser. All we can hope for now is that the Angel of Death swoop down and take him away to a better place. A place where men in their 40s don't try to dress like their kids. A place free of rap metal. A place where once awesome guitarists don't sell out and try to pawn off their old gear.

I know it's going to be hard, especially after reading this post, but try to remember the good old times. And if you can't remember the good old times, then watch this video. Fuck you, Robb Flynn.

We're Internet Famous!

Well, not really, at least not yet, but that shitty metal magazine Decibel decided to return the favor after Sergeant D interviewed their Editor-in-Chief and the author of Choosing Death: The Improbable History of Death Metal and Grindcore, Albert Mudrian, and interview us. Of course we're not good enough for the actual magazine so they posted it on their worthless blog. You can read our witty answers to their stupid questions and check out some candid photos of your favorite Metal Inquisition staffers here.

Robb Flynn's Disease—Pathology

Overview

As we have stated here at Metal Inquisition before, Robb Flynn's disease is a very serious condition which plagues the metal world today. We will try to explain R.F.D. (as we will refer to it hereafter in this post) for the benefit and edification of our readers.

R.F.D. (named after Robb Flynn, previously of the band Vio-Lence, now of Machine Head) usually strikes aging, out of step metal fossils. The disease usually hits hardest when the victim was originally (and only slightly) known for being in one band which is no longer around, and more than likely played a style that has fallen out of favor with today's audiences. Though most of those who suffer from this disease are musicians who are broke and desperate, some partial mutations of the disease have also struck somewhat successful musicians such as Kerry King and Scott Ian.

Symptoms

Individuals dealing with the disease will take on certain characteristics best suited for 15 year old ravers in Kansas, in a pathetic, last ditch effort to remain somewhat relevant and "with it". Often seen as a crucial part of any last ditch effort in the musical arena, R.F.D. is often seen by those who suffer from it as a new lease on life. Think of it as the metal equivalent of automotive oil that is especially formulated for high millage cars.


Individuals who are suffering from R.F.D. will most often exhibit at least two of the following symptoms.

1. Individual gets facial piercings way too late in life (see Robb Flynn, and Dave Chavarri of Ill Niño)

2. Grows dreadlocks (see Max Cavalera)

3. Is seen wearing oversized pants (see Chris Banes wearing JNCOs, and Kerry King's oversized orange camo pants)


4. Grows "wacky" facial hair, most often a goatee which can be dyed, braided, parted or grown into dreadlocks (a fantastic double whammy)

5. Accessorizes already terrible, ill fitting attire with items such as chain wallets, goggles (this includes unusual sunglasses ala Kerry King) and the like.

6. Individual will shave his head, seemingly attempting to emulate a young, hip look...but in reality does so to hide his balding.

Note that these symptoms are often accompanied (though not always) by a propensity towards playing third rate nu metal, with slightly hip-hop influenced drum beats (see Soulfly, Machine Head).


Examples

Dave Chavarri of Ill Niño (Previously from Gothic Slam)









Scott Ian of Anthrax
















Kerry King of Slayer


















Max Cavalera of Cavalera Conspiracy and Soulfly
(formerly of Sepultura)











Chris Barnes
(formerly of Cannibal Corpse, now of Six Feet Deep)












In closing, I should mention briefly that the world of metal is not alone in facing issues such as R.F.D. Oh no. The world of hip-hop has faced a somewhat similar scourge, which I refer to as "Funky Headhunter Syndrome", named after MC Hammer's 1994 album in which he sadly threw his hat into the gangsta' rap ring. The hat was quickly thereafter picked up from said ring, and thrown back at him. The album was chock full of Dr. Dre style production, and MC Hammer suddenly began wearing prison garb (ala NWA). I don't want to dwell on this subject (this is METAL Inquisition after all) but I'd like to share this graphic with you to illustrate this last point, and to let our readers know that we are NOT alone in this battle.

Obituary don't care if you like their rap influences- they really don't carrrrrre!

Obituary are legends, almost universally respected throughout the metal community, but even they aren't free from controversy. For over a decade, they've angered close-minded metal fans all over the world by doing things differently. For example, read this Youtube comment from a (seemingly foreign) fan who is very angry about the rap song on Obituary's 1994 album "World Demise":

BUT FUCK OFF!!!! back from the dead album just for those goddamn rappers! put down their credibility as a Death Metal band! fuck that shity album! HATRED AGAINS hiphop in REAL METAL NOW! fuck that shit "music" in real METAL!

It also made a lot of people mad when they wore Rollins Band and Red Hot Chili Peppers shirts in the video for "The End Complete." But you know what? They don't care! They really don't care! They care so little, they wrote a song to tell you all about it! They do what they want!