More Metal Tattoos From The Interweb

Thanks to the magic of search engines and the internet, we once again take you for a spin around the world of metal tattoos. Hold on tight, it's going to be a depressing and bumpy ride.



1. The line-up of bands on his leg is enough to make you gag.
2. The guy's disgusting hairy leg and crotch shot are enough to make you barf.
3. The fact that the guy is married (see wedding band) is enough to make you loose all hope and respect for women.

How many of you were surprised that the asshole who has this tattoo is wearing white hi-tops, and white ankle socks. Anyone? No? Good. I wasn't either.

This picture is proof that men are not only idiots, but also gross. Look at that disgusting armpit hair, or whatever body part that is. I've never felt so hetero in my life.

The Sarge and I saw Fear Factory some years ago in what was basically a midwestern parking lot. They played a Pantera song, and we both got the douche chills. This is the kind of tattoo that the dude who has it would show to the band members with great pride. The band members would then go "uh....wow...really? Sheesh. Wow."

Look, I know that the guy's dead and everything. It's sad, wah, wah, wah...but how big of a douche do you have to be to get this on your arm? I can just picture the guy getting it constantly reminding the tattoo dude "remember to make the goatee red, it's very important. I'm a huge fan of how he looked during the Far Beyond Driven years!"

This guy is my hero. I'm not being ironic. He's rad.

Late addition, suggested by a reader in the comments section. I don't even know where to start! The awful rendering with the fu-manchu mustache, the hat, the goatee, the pimples on Dimebag's forehead....oh and did I mention the Heavy Metal logo?

Who is the only person dumber than Max Cavalera? The guy who gets a tattoo of Max Cavalera.

Now this, my friends, is commitment. I would love to meet this guy and tell him "I'm a real Queensryche fan, not like you" just to watch his blood boil and his head blow up.





Any readers out there have band-related ink? Tell the truth, I know there's at least one Napalm Death or a Nasty Savage tattoo out there somewhere.

Looking for a gift for that special douchebag in your life? Have you considered a miniature version of Max Cavalera's guitar?

I don't know about you, but with the holiday season right around the corner, I'm already thinking about gifts I can get for my family and friends. It's with that mindset that I would like to share with you one of my shopping secrets, a gift that is sure to please everyone on your list...naughty or nice! What's my gift of choice year after year? Miniature guitars!

Here we see Max Cavalera saying "Come on! Bring it on! I dare you not to fall in love with a tiny replica of my awesome guitar.

Miniature guitars are just like real guitars. They are better in many ways, hand crafted and airbrushed one at a time. The main difference you ask? It's minimal. The main difference is that they are 10" inches tall (25.4 cm), and you can't play them at all. But you see, with replica mini guitars available from the likes of Max Cavalera, Kerry King, Tom Araya, James Hetfield, and Dimebag Darrell...how could you not want to collect them all?

Another unbelievable Cavalera model. Sorry folks, available in four-string model only.

What's cool about these very, very small instruments is that upon receiving one as a gift, you can call your friends on christmas afternoon and tell them "Dude! My brother totally bought me Max Cavalera's four string BC Rich Warlock". Your friend would get all excited as soon as he heard the news, and race to your house, only to find you sitting there with a worthless, tiny guitar that is roughly the size of a remote control next to you. You'd feel bad about the fact that he drove through the snow to come over, but in all honesty...you didn't lie to him. Your brother did get you the coveted Cavalera four-stringer. It's like telling your friends that you just bought a "sweet, red convertible...come check it out!" And when they get to your house, this is what find in your driveway:


Technically it's a red convertible, sure. But who are you kidding? Anyway, let's take a closer look at some of the newest offerings that are now available in the amazing world of tiny guitars.


Unbelievable replica of Kane Robert's signature geetar. Just look at that detail! You can almost play it. Almost. Sadly, its only 10" long, has no real strings, pickups or wiring of any kind. So, you're kinda' out of luck on that one. Oh, and I should tell you that it also doesn't work as a machine gun...but you can probably use it to stir your mom's hot chocolate or something. So that's pretty cool.




Pantera was known for having a monstrous (albeit compressed), crunchy guitar sound, as well as having a drummer with minimal skills...skills so minimal that even Peter Criss went "Damn! are you serious?" Vinnie's skills were and still are as diminutive as the size of this here mini axe. Feel free to use this tiny guitar to spread Crisco on Vinnie's serving of fried chicken...should you ever meet him.


If you're building a western-themed dollhouse for your niece right now, consider this little James Hetfield axe as an addition to any of the rooms. Either that, or let your niece use it as a popsicle stick for any of her craft projects. You know that annoying thing that some people do if you are complaining about something, where they rub their fingers together and say "What's this? It's the worlds smallest violin"...well, now they can do that, but with a tiny guitar.


The only thing smaller than Kerry King's sense of shame is this mini guitar.




Does your niece have a Ken doll in her Barbie collection who looks highly pretentious and like he might have a taste for unecessarily complicated music that sounds like complete garbage? Why not get him this John Petrucci 7-stringer?



Would you like to see more? Perhaps a Tom Araya bass, or a Mathias Jabs (Scorpions) guitar? Look here for many more, but don't delay. The holiday hustle and bustle is just around the corner!

Andreas Kisser forced to play with Scorpions to pay rent — Cavalera brothers overheard saying "mission accomplished!"

Though some thought Soulfly was an actual band, it was merely a dress rehearsal for Max Cavalera's masterpiece, The Cavalera Conspiracy. From the moment the band began, the entire world has been laughing, but today we received news which clearly show that the band is no laughing matter at all. As it turns out, The Cavalera Conspiracy is not just the name of a band, but an actual conspiracy put together by the Cavalera brothers to do two things:

1. Take over the world's entire urban camouflage supply

2. Keep former Sepultura member Andreas Kisser from earning an honest living by playing in any semi-relevant musical act.

Proof that the Cavalera brothers have succeeded in accomplishing their second goal comes to us in the form of Andreas playing with Scorpions. Yes, he's a current touring member of the band. Can you imagine that the incoherent guy who did that rad 180 flip in the video for "Inner Self" has had to pimp himself to aging rockers like the Scorpions? I know that maniacs like Mr. Gene Hoglan's Balls enjoy early Scorpions material (last time he was at my house, he played side A of The Tokyo Tapes at least ten times), but this is so sad. It's about as sad as Max's camo bandana, or as sad as the one dude in Soulfly wearing a backpack while he plays guitar.

Where Are They Now: Wagner Lamounier

When I was younger and far more naive I was under the impression that heavy metal musician was not only a full time gig, but a life long profession. You lived to shred and shredded to live. What else would Jeff Hanneman do if he wasn't writing sweet riffs? What kind of skills could a heavy metal musician posses that would be useful in the global market economy? There was no life beyond the metal world, or so I thought.

Enter Wagner Lamounier: best known for fronting Brazilian death/thrash legends Sarcófago he is also a founding member of Sepultura. Like any sensible kid born in a third world country and brought up on steady diet of Venom, Mercyful Fate, and Motorhead Lamounier banded together with a bunch of like-minded bangers and started a band. It was either that or join a gang of roving street children likely to die at the hands of a death squad (note: I just made that up, but I have seen the film City of God). Of course Sarcófago isn't just any old band, they're one of the greatest metal bands to ever come out of South America. Their aesthetic and music continues to influence countless bangers across the world. They were one of the pioneers of corpse paint and among the first bands to pose for "evil" pictures in cemeteries thus influencing thousands of teenagers across the globe to dress like retards for the past two decades thinking they look grim.



What do you think 'ol Wagner is up to these days? Selling fruit at a corner stand? Dealing Cocaine? Nope! He's an Economics professor at Universidade Federal de Minas Gerais in Belo Horizonte, Brazil! What the fuck? I know, I know... I didn't believe it at first either, but the proof's right here. Lamounier went from dressing up like a clown and thrashing his balls off to a PhD in Economics. That is NOT the kind of transition you'd expect from someone who wrote the following lyrics:

Seven nights before
Of sacred birthday
The lord make himself
Present at virgin's home

Demons suck your pussy
And fuck 'till delight
She isn't more virgin
Because was fucked by satan

He put the virgin of four
Fucking your ass hole
The orgy haven't stop
Ejaculating on her mouth

She suck the hammer of satan
And reach the first orgasm
He breack laws of god
And prophane the mother of gods


Good for him though! I bet he makes way more money than me, drives a much nicer car, and has like twice as many vacation days! Uh, I mean, fuck that sellout!

Lonn Friend Explains The Intricacies Of Death Metal To The Masses

Yesterday's post regarding Lonn Friend (editor of Rip Magazine, and douchebag extraordainare) made me have to go reach deep within my video vaults to pull footage to add to the discourse. When I say I reached deep in the vaults, I mean deep...I had to plug in the Betamax machine (and no, I'm not kidding).

Below you will find the much talked about "Friend At Large" segment for Headbanger's Ball in which he basically breaks down what death metal is all about...and gets most of it terribly wrong. The guy is so insanely annoying too, that you just want to die a million times over while watching this clip. Morbid Angel = Kiss, Helmet is a death metal band from Seattle, Death are the Led Zeppelin of death metal....Oy.

Our friend Lonn does credit Mike Gitter, with having helped him figure out the complex world of death metal. Mike Gitter, by the way, is another genius mostly known as an A&R for labels who signed many third rate punk and hardcore-ish bands in the 90's, helping them all decline into nothingness. Today he signs terrible bands for Roadrunner. Watch and learn. And then eat your cyanide capsule.

Max and Igor Cavalera Back Together Again!

Oh, wait. I forgot, it’s 2008 and NO ONE GIVES A SHIT. Will once-relevant, former metal icons ever stop trying to revive their careers? At least in this case, I guess not as Max and Igor have put aside their differences and recruited two hacks and formed the Cavalera Conspiracy. Apparently their name was originally Inflikted (possibly the worst thing about the proliferation of nu-metal is the tendency to intentionally misspell words for emotional impact), but had to be changed due to legal reasons. I can only assume that Max and Igor were sued by some young legal maverick for emotional distress.

For you, our loyal readers, I have put my own physical and mental well being in jeopardy and decided to actually sit down and listen to the Cavalera Conspiracy’s upcoming full length record, “Inflikted.” Or at least I tried. I made it about halfway through the album before I had to stop or risk being fired for throwing my work computer across the office. This shit sucks and it sucks HARD. Musically, I’d say this album fits somewhere between the heavily Korn-influenced tribal metal of Sepultura’s “Roots” and the heavily Korn-influenced tribal metal of Soulfly. DO NOT WANT.

In case you don’t believe me, see for yourself. Here’s a video of the Cavalera Conspiracy performing the title track off “Inflikted” at the 11th Annual D-Low (Max’s slain stepson) Memorial. Rock those four strings!

Slayer Fans. Then And Now.

Maybe I'm an old fart, but I've started to miss the days when people that called themselves "metal fans" didn't look so much like juggalos. This development, by the way, can be traced directly to the rise in popularity of Ozzfest, Cradle Of Filth, and Sepultura's musical output after "Arise". Since when did metal fans start wearing crap like this?


Anyway, I was unable to find footage depicting exactly the type of metal fan I'm talking about. You should still watch the videos below and see the difference in fans that Slayer had back then, versus now. Yes, the current fans are funnier...but also more annoying.

Then
The intro to this video includes some fantastic Exodus stage banter.Please disregard the dope who is seig heiling. Note the elderly black man in the mix. Note the guy who says "Venom rules!" with a mullet and a dirstache, as well as the blond dude with a Raven shirt who screams "upstate mothafucka!"



Now
Please watch the second video all the way to the end. Surprise ending.

Dan Seagrave. The man. The myth. The muffins.

Dan Seagrave was part of the early 90's death metal holy-trinity. If you were going to make it in the biz back then you needed these three things (though some got by with only two):

1. Be from Florida
2. Record at Morrisound Studios
3. Get Dan Seagrave to do your album cover

As part of this holy-trinity, it's hard to criticize the man who brought to life such amazing artistic statements as the deer/man creature with a circular saw on the cover of Suffocation's "Human Waste". Nevertheless, I feel that enough time has passed, that we can now safely look a bit closer at some of his work. With time, we have gained insight, and with that insight we can look closer at the cover for Sepultura's "Arise".

A perfect example of his mid-career work, this piece exemplifies the kind of monochromatic fantasy worlds that populated his work during that time. Upon closer inspection, however, viewers will notice two things. First, Dan Seagrave was hungry (surely due to being broke, because I'm sure painting the cover to the second Lawnmower Deth album is not getting you dessert at Red Lobster.) Second, the man was horny. I'm sure girls didn't exactly think their dreamboat had just docked when he explained what he did for a living, "Well right now I'm working on the new Pestilence cover. I actually have to get home soon to retouch the floating sphere made of knives on that one. I should also do some work on the time machine that the robot is sitting on to go back in time and kill Jesus in the Nocturnus cover"

The proof




1. Clearly depicted here are two lobster claws holding dental floss.
2. Three blueberry muffins.
3. A woman bent over backwards for no reason at all.