I'm starting a band

Back when I played in a band (early to mid 90s) finding members to join in your musical escapades was difficult. More often than not, my brother and I simply reached out to people we already knew, and asked them to join our amazing musical projects. This is the relationship equivalent of dating your friends. We never opted for the equivalent of a personals ad (which would be a listing in a local paper, or the dreaded flyer at the guitar shop). Today, pretty much everything has changed by virtue of the darned interweb. Through Facebook, Craigslist, eHarmony and J-Date...people all over the world are gettin' it on with amazing efficiency. Since I always dream of starting a sweet band, I've chosen to use the interweb as my shopping tool, in order to find the ideal members for my new side project. What do you think?





Okay, so he flubs a few notes, and has one of the chords wrong on the main riff...but check out his commitment to the tune. I mean, the guy has an Ipod on a strap strictly for the purposes of practicing. I think he'd be a great addition.





This guy is a winner all the way. Rumor has it, he can crabwalk even better than Robert Trujillo, and he can do so in 7" heels. Beat that!






This girl is proof that the level of musicianship amongst today's youngsters has risen so far it's not even funny. When I was in a grindcore band, anyone who could play a simple blast beat for about ten seconds, or do pinch harmonics was a god. Jesus, times have changed.






Being gay AND Filipino must be super hard...just ask Kirk Hammett, he's already lost most of his hair due to the stress of living that way.

More Metal Photography From Around The Interweb

If you ever thought you looked cool while wearing your Slayer shirt, think again. This is exactly what you looked like to everyone around you, a semi-pubescent rapist with creased jeans.

Here's a little fashion tip...stop pulling your fucking pants up once they reach your armpits. Why? Because you want to have kids someday. Also, show some respect to Pushead, he didn't work on the shading of the scale for hours so that you'd cover it up with your white jeans. Damn.





Was this picture taken in Ohio circa 1989, or Williamsburgh circa 2006?
We'll never know.

Can he open cans with those teeth?
Easily. He can also chew through leather belts and ceramic tile.

Which Overkill album is his favorite?
"I choose to celebrate their entire catalog"

Why is he wearing those safety glasses?
Because once his friend Chester comes over, the shit is going to hit the fan. Literally. Chester is planning on taking a shit on a fan to see what happens. Man, white dudes have all the fun.

Do his victims remember the feeling of his dirtstache on their face for years?
Absolutely.





Fuck...Lita Ford has really let herself go.




Look, I'm not trying to say that you can't be fat AND play in a black metal band. Wait, I lied. That's exactly what I'm trying to say.

PS: Wearing a LIVESTRONG bracelet on stage is not exactly kvlt.




I know what you're thinking "Ha, ha...those third world metal fans sure are funny! Look at them making funny faces for the camera." Well, don't laugh. They're not making funny faces for the camera at all. The economic downturn has hit developing economies very hard. What they're doing is showing potential clients the equipment with which they'll be sucking ten thousand cocks in order to buy a BC Rich Ironbird, and a Marshal practice amp.





As a drummer, I'm very sensitive about the way that fellow drummers are treated in bands. Seeing this picture depressed me to no end. This image is proof that no matter what country we live in, we will forever be second-class citizens. Are drummers really so terrible to be around that you literally have to put us in another fucking continent while we play along to the horrible fucking song you wrote? You agree to play a guy's power ballad, and this is the thanks you get?




Do you remember that one guy in your math class back in the day who said Metallica were "super gay", and that the reason they were gay was because they made a video for One? Well....he was at least partially right.




My reaction to seeing this picture serves as further proof that I'm getting old. When I was 13, I would have found this to be both awesome and hilarious. Today, I happen to know how much it costs to have concrete poured...and seeing this picture is making my blood boil. Fucking kids.




Who knew that King Diamond would be the type to lounge around the house while rocking a free promotional fleece vest, knock-off Oakleys and a Nascar hat. You know you're pushing the douchebag envelope when even Lars Ulrich dry heaves upon seeing you.




Is Jason Newsted so broke that he's cutting hair to make ends meet? No. What he's is doing is collecting hair from stranger in order to give himself Trujillo-like braids. Why? Because late at night, after crying for hours about no longer being in Metallica, he pretends he's on stage playing Whiplash while crabwalking through his living room.




I seriously wrote about twenty different captions to this picture, and none of them did it justice. It's so amazing, that any caption would ruin it. It would be like ordering a $120 entree at a fancy restaurant, and then coating it in ranch dressing and ketchup. You just don't do it. Still, a thought came to mind...

I'd like to think that humans are slightly more advanced than animals, and as such don't eat or normally kill our young. Still, you kinda' have to wonder how this kid's parents stopped themselves from killing him in his sleep at some point. Little did they know that the result of a single night of carnal pleasure would mean a lifelong sentence of having to hear about how amazing both Operation Ivy AND Deicide are.

How to invest during times of economic uncertainity

Though widely criticized for being an inaccurate index of the market (since it takes only 30 stocks into account), the Dow Jones has in fact performed very much in line with broader U.S. markets.

As the world struggles through the current economic crisis, Metal Inquisition financial analyst Devesh Bharadwaj takes a closer look at lesser known investment opportunities that may be tempting to metal fans. Is investing in metal a sound choice during these unstable times? Read on to find out.




Avenge Sevenfold autographs make guitar actually be worth less than retail price.



While doing a search on the world wide interweb for used axes as a potential investment, I came across this Schecter Omen guitar. I know what you're saying, Schecter guitars are not exactly the most metal guitars ever (here at M.I. we endorse Jackson of course) but put that aside for just a second. The Craigslist post I found was for a brand new guitar, one that normally retails for $300 and has a list price (MSRP) of $499, selling for only $250. Why so little? The mere fact that it's autographed by the band Avenge Sevenfold makes it actually be worth LESS than retail. Is this drop in price merely a sign of the worldwide economic collapse? Perhaps. Be careful in whose autograph you invest.





Also included in the post is another guitar signed by the band Seether, but they are even less metal than Avenge Sevenfold so I wont even mention them, even though I think its funny that Wikipedia refers to them as a "South African post-grunge band". I had to look them up to see if they were worth mentioning. Man, wouldn't you be bummed if you were in a band and your autograph made things actually decrease in value? It's like having the opposite of the Midas touch, everything you touch turns into complete and utter shit.


Metallica autographs make a horrible guitar worth way too much.


In sharp contrast, a Squire guitar autographed by Metallica is selling for a steep $2,372. How they came up with that number, I have no idea, but that's an incredible increase from its retail price of $169. I don't know why on earth you'd get Metallica to sign a strat, much less a Squire strat, not even a Mexican Fender! Apparently, Metallica's autographs are the only recession proof signatures you can have. Forget stocks, hedge funds or anything else...the way to go is Metallica autographs! Buy, buy, buy!


Gwar "slave" autographs guitar. Price of guitar drops immediately.




Perhaps Metallica is not your cup of tea (and who could blame you), maybe Gwar is more up your alley, and you'd like to invest on something you actually enjoy. Well, you're in luck. What about an autographed BC Rich "Bich" model guitar? It's not signed by a member of the band Gwar though. Oh no. The guitar is signed by a Gwar "slave" (aka roadie). In this case, the nearly new guitar drops in price from $399 retail to $250. At least in this case, the seller (who is the Gwar roadie) is nice enough to give the buyer the ability to choose if they want the autograph on the guitar or not. He writes "*GWAR SLAVE AUTOGRAPH IS OPTIONAL.."


Obituary and Dream Theater drummers sign drumsticks. Price of drumsticks drops. I think.

Note that the Donald Tardy drumstick is dirty. That's because I used briefly it as a stake to hold down some string while doing yard work a few years back.

The bad news about the price of metal autographs not only dropping, but hindering the value of the very items the autographs are on made me worry about my own investments. How has the current crisis affected my Donald Tardy and Mike Portnoy signed drumsticks? I had no way of knowing since my calls to Lehman Brothers went unanswered. Having no other place to turn, I simply asked my wife. I asked her "If I sell these drumsticks in a garage sale, how much do you think I could get for them?", her response was brief "How should I know? Fifty cents maybe? Why are you asking me?". That's all the research I needed. They were now worth worth less than when they were new. I was crushed.

Where does that leave me? Maybe I should look into other autographs as possible investment opportunities during these unstable times. Maybe autographed ticket stubs by the likes of Deeds Of Flesh or Suffocation is the way to go? This guy seems to gave just about any autograph you are looking for. Then again, perhaps I should look into some Lars Ulrich signed drumsticks as a safer investment. After all, you're supposed to buy low, and sell high right? I think anytime after And Justice For All could be safely considered a "low" for Metallica....but will there ever be another "high" in their future? Damn. Maybe there's no safe investments after all.

Looking for a gift for that special douchebag in your life? Have you considered a miniature version of Max Cavalera's guitar?

I don't know about you, but with the holiday season right around the corner, I'm already thinking about gifts I can get for my family and friends. It's with that mindset that I would like to share with you one of my shopping secrets, a gift that is sure to please everyone on your list...naughty or nice! What's my gift of choice year after year? Miniature guitars!

Here we see Max Cavalera saying "Come on! Bring it on! I dare you not to fall in love with a tiny replica of my awesome guitar.

Miniature guitars are just like real guitars. They are better in many ways, hand crafted and airbrushed one at a time. The main difference you ask? It's minimal. The main difference is that they are 10" inches tall (25.4 cm), and you can't play them at all. But you see, with replica mini guitars available from the likes of Max Cavalera, Kerry King, Tom Araya, James Hetfield, and Dimebag Darrell...how could you not want to collect them all?

Another unbelievable Cavalera model. Sorry folks, available in four-string model only.

What's cool about these very, very small instruments is that upon receiving one as a gift, you can call your friends on christmas afternoon and tell them "Dude! My brother totally bought me Max Cavalera's four string BC Rich Warlock". Your friend would get all excited as soon as he heard the news, and race to your house, only to find you sitting there with a worthless, tiny guitar that is roughly the size of a remote control next to you. You'd feel bad about the fact that he drove through the snow to come over, but in all honesty...you didn't lie to him. Your brother did get you the coveted Cavalera four-stringer. It's like telling your friends that you just bought a "sweet, red convertible...come check it out!" And when they get to your house, this is what find in your driveway:


Technically it's a red convertible, sure. But who are you kidding? Anyway, let's take a closer look at some of the newest offerings that are now available in the amazing world of tiny guitars.


Unbelievable replica of Kane Robert's signature geetar. Just look at that detail! You can almost play it. Almost. Sadly, its only 10" long, has no real strings, pickups or wiring of any kind. So, you're kinda' out of luck on that one. Oh, and I should tell you that it also doesn't work as a machine gun...but you can probably use it to stir your mom's hot chocolate or something. So that's pretty cool.




Pantera was known for having a monstrous (albeit compressed), crunchy guitar sound, as well as having a drummer with minimal skills...skills so minimal that even Peter Criss went "Damn! are you serious?" Vinnie's skills were and still are as diminutive as the size of this here mini axe. Feel free to use this tiny guitar to spread Crisco on Vinnie's serving of fried chicken...should you ever meet him.


If you're building a western-themed dollhouse for your niece right now, consider this little James Hetfield axe as an addition to any of the rooms. Either that, or let your niece use it as a popsicle stick for any of her craft projects. You know that annoying thing that some people do if you are complaining about something, where they rub their fingers together and say "What's this? It's the worlds smallest violin"...well, now they can do that, but with a tiny guitar.


The only thing smaller than Kerry King's sense of shame is this mini guitar.




Does your niece have a Ken doll in her Barbie collection who looks highly pretentious and like he might have a taste for unecessarily complicated music that sounds like complete garbage? Why not get him this John Petrucci 7-stringer?



Would you like to see more? Perhaps a Tom Araya bass, or a Mathias Jabs (Scorpions) guitar? Look here for many more, but don't delay. The holiday hustle and bustle is just around the corner!

Even More Metal Photography From Around The Interweb

Combining metal and magic, what a fantastic idea! For his latest trick, watch him post this picture online and make any sense of dignity he had left disappear.




Here's a little tip: when the top of your pants touches your armpits, it's time to stop pulling them up.




You'd be all angry and chop off your sideburns too if you found out you'd been conceived in the woods behind a supermarket. At least his dad kept it classy and took her to the soggy mattress by the overturned shopping cart.




Grumpy Metaller's Girlfriend:
"Aww, you're all grumpy. How come? Is it a case of the Mondays"

Grumpy Metaller:
"Don't mock me Susan. I'm not grumpy, its just that....you know that if I don't get my eight hours of sleep, I'm a bear in the morning, that's all "

I didn't know that Glamour Shots now offered a Manowar theme to its customers.

I'm glad to see that the BC Rich guitars the UN has been distributing in the third world through their "Axes Around The World" program have reached their intended recipients, without warlords intercepting the shipments.

Dark Throne - Unplugged

Sometimes we can gain a deeper understanding of art by simply taking in a fresh interpretation of a well known piece. Consider, if you will, the multiple acoustic versions of Dark Throne's "Transilvanian Hunger" available to us through the magic of youtube.




There's nothing about a chubby, latino dude wearing a sweet baja sweatshirt that says "black metal"




Dude, you should be picking at twice the speed. Burzum shirt and Metallica shorts? Go make your bed. And then tune your guitar.



Okay, this guy is plugged in. Seriously, do you need the sheet music in a stand to play this song? His mom is gonna be so pissed about him putting his feet up on that tasteful ottoman. Nice zippers on his pants too. Sexy.



This guy got straight up fancy with the arrangement. He made the song suck even more. He's like the Dave Matthews of black metal.



This guy knew he didn't look very metal. So he spared us the visual.




Rolling Stones poster? I know metal sir, and you are not metal. I can just picture his mom crying about the fact that this is what her looser son has turned out to be.

Lock Up Your Children: A Tale Of Robb Flynn's Disease

I am bummed the fuck out. Do you want to know why? Because I recently discovered that one of my metal heroes has contracted Robb Flynn’s Disease. According to the doctors, he doesn’t have much time left. It’s a very advanced case and it’s spreading rapidly. Brothers and sisters of metal, the only way we're ever going to put an end to this horrible affliction is by educating ourselves. It's with this goal in mind that I share with you the tragic case of former Morbid Saint (retroview forthcoming) guitarist, Jay Visser.

I first received the bad news via email from a concerned Metal Inquisition reader (thanks, CC). He’d found out about Jay’s condition when he stumbled upon this eBay auction. My initial reaction to reading the listing was “Why the FUCK is Jay Visser selling his BC Rich Ironbird!?” Then I saw it…the image that will haunt me for the rest of my life. A bloated, middle-aged Jay Visser with braids down to his waist in a matching Boxshaft (his new band) longsleeve and over-sized cargo pants playing what HAS to be shitty nu metal. At first I didn’t believe my eyes. I refused to accept that it was real. I was convinced that it must be some internet prankster, but no prank was to be had. This was reality and the cruelty of life seemingly knew no bounds. Jay Visser, former shredmaster for Morbid Saint, one of the most raging thrash metal bands ever, had succumbed to the worst of all possible fates.



What motivates a grown man from Sheboygan, Wisconsin that played on one of the greatest thrash metal records of all time to start dressing like an angst-ridden teenager, braid his hair, and join what looks like a KoRn tribute band? It can't be pussy because there's NO WAY he's getting laid looking like that, not even in Wisconsin. I'm afraid we may never know because chances are we'll never get to peer inside the enigmatic mind of Jay Visser. All we can hope for now is that the Angel of Death swoop down and take him away to a better place. A place where men in their 40s don't try to dress like their kids. A place free of rap metal. A place where once awesome guitarists don't sell out and try to pawn off their old gear.

I know it's going to be hard, especially after reading this post, but try to remember the good old times. And if you can't remember the good old times, then watch this video. Fuck you, Robb Flynn.