Freedom Isn't Free

via Student Loans For Beer Money

Fuck You! I like Hatebreed.

Good lord, I remember a time when Hatebreed would be booked to play a little coffee shop in my town like every two months. Half of the time, they wouldn't show up...but still. Times have changed.



Thanks again to Marne for the heads up.

Anvil! The Story of Anvil :: A Movie Review

Before I even start with this review, let me say that the only Anvil song I know is "Metal on Metal" and up until last night, I thought it was by Raven. That's how off my radar these Canadian fuckheads were. Let me also say that this morning I downloaded their first 3 albums and they are actually pretty fucking rad. In a cheesy Canadian 80's metal band kinda way.

I've never written a movie review before, so I'm not sure what I'm doing here. Let me just say that if you like MI, you're gonna LOVE "Anvil!". The peeps that made it basically read MI and thought: "Shit, let's make a fucking movie! We'll find a has been band that never was and make fun of them like they do on that blog!" Well, gents, you've succeeded! 

I laughed, I cried (from laughing), and laughed again (mostly at the ridiculous Canadian accents). This documentary starts with an "Anvil primer", if you will. A short introduction to who Anvil were. Then they start to lay it on THICK. Too thick, actually. Scott Ian, Fuckhead Lars, Lemmy, Slash, Johnny Zazula and even Tom Araya go on to lie about how amazing Anvil were. It must look really convincing, but to those of us who know better, it's all a bunch of horseshit. Anvil sucked and were NOT this super influential band without whom Slayer, Metallica, Anthrax and GnR would exist. That's just not true. Tygers of Pan Tang had more to do with 80's metal than Anvil, for fucks sake! I know the film makers had to make these guys seem interesting somehow, but give me a break! Playing guitar using a dildo does not make you a musical genius, it makes you a balding, aging sad, sad Canadian. If people really knew how lame a band they were, this movie would never had gotten the budget to be made and I would have spent last night alone, at home working on my yoga and watching reruns of House MD. Instead, I went to see this awesome movie and got some action afterwards. Looking at it from that perspective, I'm glad these dbags got their funding!

Anyway, after all the hype and bullshit,  we meet Robb Reiner (of course no relation to Rob Reiner, writer of "This is Spinal Tap"... it's just a weird, odd, weird, weird coincidence), and Lips, founders of Anvil. Their lives are obviously sad and pathetic. They remind me of the dude in The Wrestler. From that moment on I laughed for an hour straight. These clowns are SO FUCKING sad and pathetic that everything that comes out of their Canadian mouths is funny as shit. Add the accents and you have pure 100% 28K comedy gold. My stomach was hurting. I thought an usher would come and kick me out.

So they talk about how big they could have been and how their lives suck now, but  they catch a break and get to go on a pathetic European tour. This thing was booked by this ugly-ass broad who is totally incompetent and play in front of bartenders and tens of fans all over the old continent. At some fest in Sweden they get to meet all these "Metal celebrities" and not ONE of them know who the fuck they are. It's a non-stop laugh-a-thon! It's so well edited, they look like total chumps! 

Besides a drummer, Robb figures himself an 'artist'. Some of his work is actually not THAT bad, but he has a painting of a turd on a toilet that basically sums up Anvil's career. 

The movie ends with a show they play in Japan and like 10.000 people are there, so you'll leave the theater feeling all warm and cozy. The part they don't stress is that they were playing first on the bill. FIRST! 11:30am! The worst spot ever on a bill. The only reason people are there is because Japanese people are anally punctual and if the flyer says the show starts at 11am, they'll be there. But not to watch Anvil. They'll be there to watch the 10 other bands AFTER Anvil.

Japanese crowds are easily pleased. I know from experience. It's easy to convince these people that you are a legend. Do you know how much Japanese tail I've gotten by telling ladies I'm a BMX legend from Brazil who is touring Japan for Haro?

Some will tell you how "touching" Robb and Lip's friendship is. They'll say the movie is about their relationship that is almost like a brotherhood. They'll insist the movie triumphs because of their perseverance, love and dedication to the band or whatever... Take it from me, it's not!

There's nothing "touching" about these people. They are just sad, pathetic and HILARIOUS! I can't stress enough how pathetic and therefore funny this movie is. You HAVE to go see it and get some Anvil's music. If you like that raw almost thrashy metal from the 80's, these guys are pretty bad-ass.

Little did I know that after the credits rolled and the house lights came on, my night was just starting to get good. I was still wiping tears off my eyes when I saw a short, ugly girl get up two rows in front of us. "Eeew!" I thought, "she looks like a tiny troll!" Then it dawned on me: Ronnie James Motherfucking Dio was in the theater with me! Fuck yeah! I wonder what he thought of the movie. I wonder if he could even see the screen over the heads of the people sitting in front of them. I wonder if he realizes how short and ugly he is.

After that, my lady friend (best know by the acronym HSWG - "Hot Star Wars Girl") took me back to her place and did things to me. I wanna thank her for dragging me all the way down to The Angelika to watch this movie and for the sexual pleasures she blessed me with later on... What a night. What a fucking night!!

You're not my real dad: An interview with 16

With the possible exception of Lucho Metales, all of us here at Metal Inquisition are sad, broken men. It should come as no surprise, then, that we are also big fans of 16. I have been listening to 16 since I was in high school, but the older I get, the more I like them. This is because the more life crushes my spirit, shatters my dreams, destroys my ambition, and generally fills me with a pervasive sense of regret, self-loathing, and disappointment, the more I relate to 16's lyrics. If you have never heard them, they play sludgy shit along the lines of Cavity, Eyehategod, and Fudge Tunnel. Some of them were also in Despise You and Crom (which is why I asked so many questions about them). Please buy their shit from Relapse.


You are now on Relapse. How is that working out? In the contract, does it say you have to grow a beard, purchase a pair of rapist glasses, and beat off to anime tentacle-rape snuff porn in your parents' basement to fit in with all their mouth-breathing fans?

Jason: I wrote the "Agreement" as it's called in the business world. It is a small 237 page document that actually has a specific "Grooming Clause" that outlines specifically what each member of 16 MUST do on a daily basis and an amendment for "Show Grooming" tips. Relapse had some issues with the testicle shaving and pubic hair removal or dye requirements as they didn't want to spend the $50 a month for my Brazilian Waxing and olive green dye I use for the nether region. They didn't have any real issues with our sunglasses as they know we are going to be so hugely famous and they expect us to entirely reshape their existing fan base. We are not allowed to "beat-off" ourselves anymore (it's in the Agreement) but we are allowed a 2 minute "reach around" which can be administered by any band member and only one Sunday a month. Things are working our great with Relapse but I will submit an amendment to the existing agreement this week that will outline Spring and Summer wardrobe requests from the band. I follow fashion and really need the latest leather studded boxers with matching leather dog mask from "The Gauntlet" sex shop for our Summer shows.

Bobby: Relapse has contracts? I don't remember signing anything. Ask my bank because my signature is fucking worthless and I never read anything; I just sign it and never do what the stupid piece of paper told me to do in the first place. In California we do not have basements to beat off in. We usually take longer showers to rub one out while we live in a car outside of our parent's house so we can pursue our "dreams".

I also got a Meat Shits Discharge cover dedicated to me at a bar once. I walked outside to smoke so I would not hear it.

We are all big Meat Shits fans. I know it's hard, but if you had to pick just one thing that makes them great, what would it be? And you can't say "their painstaking approach to song craft and crystal-clear production."

Jason: I have no real time to discuss any other band right now as I am negotiating an endorsement for 16 with UGG boots.

Bobby: Meat Shits "Sniper at the fag parade" is a cd I got as a gift from a guy who later killed himself. True story. I've never listened to it. I also got a Meat Shits Discharge cover dedicated to me at a bar once. I walked outside to smoke so I would not hear it. My friend Max was the DJ and there were some sketchy skinheads there. I will continue to ignore this band because based on past history if I get into it something very bad will happen to me.

Tony: The only thing i can remember about them is the cover of one of their records. It was a picture of a girl who's sucking...wait. i'll keep it clean. let's just say it's a picture of a girl who's "snappin' into a slim jim."

Who needs HG Wells when you've got Mike Browning??

If I had access to the Nocturnus time machine, I would go back and uncover the secret identities of the mysterious Despise You. Especially that girl "Leticia." What would you do with it??

Jason: H.G. Wells made a better time machine so straight-up fuck Nocturnus. I already know the Despise You identities. I wouldn't even get into the time machine though. I'd get airsick and the past is the past. The less I know the better. Knowing me I'd get into some gunfights, become a drug kingpin and get stuck in prison wishing I wouldn't have left my couch watching "Gangland" and "Lockup."

Bobby: Despise You are bigger in LA than Fishbone or Mary's Danish ever were. It's really a testament to capitalism. Hmm, Time Machine, I would go back and live my life exactly like I have except I would not be bummed because I would know exactly how it all turns out and would not be continually surprised at how shitty it all really is.

Anyway, back to the time machine. I'd travel back to that one day in 4th grade, only this time, I'd refuse to go into that creepy bike shop owner's apartment with my best friend Dudley.

Tony: I actually do know the real identity of the elusive (original recordings) "Leticia." That's not her real name of course, but she was in fact a smokin' hot Latina. That was a long time ago. She was probably 19 years old back then. She must be in her early thirties now. Total granny. Anyway, back to the time machine. I'd travel back to that one day in 4th grade, only this time, I'd refuse to go into that creepy bike shop owner's apartment with my best friend Dudley.

This logo means "quality"!

You might be surprised to learn that even though some of us at Metal Inquisition were on the Wild Rags street team, we never actually met Richard C. Being from Southern California, have you? If so, what did he smell like?

Jason: What the fuck was "Wild Rags?" Who? My personal trainer is here and I have to tan. Be back in a bit.

Bobby: Since Wild Rags was on Whittier blvd. he probably smelled like carne asada and horchata. I liked that store and actually purchase a few choice items from it. When you bought something he would give you a bunch of free crappy promo shit so I thought he was a righteous dude back then. I went there high on methamphetamine and looked through the whole used cd selection for like 2 hours and only purchases one item. No wonder that place was auctioned by a bank and ran out of business.

Tony: Is he the Wild Rags guy? I only went there twice, and i think i held my breath both times. Sorry about that. I made eye contact with him, though.

Chris Elder is angry because someone talked him into putting out a Fishsticks song

Former Pessimiser CEO Chris Elder is one of my favorite human beings of all time, and he has the best handwriting ever. But I feel bad for him because he's so angry. What's up with that? Is it just because he's short? Who the hell were Fishsticks, and why did he put them on Cry Now, Cry Later Vol I?

Jason: Ahhh, my skin is a golden brown and I just did 2 hours of Yoga. Where was I... Oh yeah, Elder's penmanship is quite an art-form. It should be a mandatory font for computers. I have saved all my Birthday cards, Easter cards, death threats, Christmas cards, etc that he gave me since I got jumped into the Pessimiser Fan Club. He is far from angry, just misunderstood. He just knows the truth. If you call him short" ever again in my presence I will send Vin Diesel to your house and he will kick your ass. Time to "check yo' self before you wreck yo' self." Fishsticks, ha! That sucked didn't it. That was the ONLY song NEVER played from that 2X7". When I put the CD version in my iTunes I deleted that song. My Dad played the Stapled Shut song so much he ruined the record. He told me stories of hanging with those guys and getting kicked out of Disneyland for shoplifting.

Bobby: You know I was always impressed with Elder's handwriting too. It's backhand gangster style. I don't know if he's all that angry, he more of a genius humorist for our time. Like a modern day Will Rogers. Try being white and growing up in Inglewood, that guy is a survivor that's for sure.

We're very open-minded here at Metal Inquisition. I mean, we'll listen to anything from Bloodcum to Wasted Youth, or from Scatterbrain to Mordred. What stuff in your record collection would surprise people?

Jason: Trick Trick, Sade, Ca$his, Julie London, Active Member, Compton's Most Wanted, Obie Trice, Komis X, and Pink.

Bobby: Kidz Bop Volume 9 and Mindfunk. My kid really likes Kelly Clarkson too.

Tony: Sam Cooke, and the mighty H&O.

You're all old and bitter, so I'm sure you are confused and frightened by new developments in youth culture. What do you make of new genres like wigger slam, screamo crunk, and wigger black metalcore?

Jason: Those are all solid examples of why I own numerous firearms and weapons. Chances are if I leave the house to go anywhere douche bags like that congregate, I'll kill someone or multiple "people" (term used loosely). Bobby did call me a "White N-word" on tour last month and I have toyed with the idea of creating "Wigger Sludgecore." I'd probably be the richest fucker on the planet with that one... Time to take my meds. I weep for the future.

Bobby: This all just confirms the apocalypse is near and restores my faith in what we as -16- do. I say let them combines everything until it's all beige. "Extreme" music will become a perfect palatable combination of styles where everyone can grab onto something but as a whole it lacks anything innovative other than the fact that they combined musical feces to create more well more feces. A glorious stew of shit.

Tony: I'm speechless, dawg.

"Maybe funk grind or better yet funk funeral doom will be the next craptacular trend."

Bands like Municipal Waste have been raping Anthrax/DRI-style "thrash" for a while now, with mixed results. Why don't they copy cooler thrash bands like Annihilator, Meliah Rage and Toxik? When will they start incorporating Mordred-style slap bass?

Jason: I saw Anthrax when Lamb of God "opened" for them and boy did Anthrax suck. I am not familiar with any of the "cooler" thrash bands you mentioned. Don't slap bass, slap bitches instead.

Bobby: It is all cyclical but just wait until Body Count comes back in vogue. Funk metal is about due for a comeback as well. Maybe funk grind or better yet funk funeral doom will be the next craptacular trend.

Tony: I'm just glad they haven't imitated Gothic Slam yet. I'm in the process of biting that sound. Keep that under your hat, if you don't mind.

The clothes on the floor are my still-unpacked suitcase from the 2009 Metal Inquisition Mid-Atlantic Innovation Retreat at Lucho Metales' compound/ranch last weekend. The couch is from Ikea.

Like I said before, when I was in high school I jocked Chris Elder like nobody's business. I even have a "Cry Now, Cry Later" tattoo! Anyway, I knew he liked Beowulf so I tried really, really hard to get into them, but I never could because they are fucking terrible. Along the same lines, I remember in the late 90s a lot of kids started pretending to like Hirax because Max Ward from Spazz was hyping them. Other than being on Chris' dick like I was, is there a reason to appreciate either of these awful bands that I'm missing?

Jason: I listen to NOTHING but grind core, rap, hardcore and drop tuned ghetto metal so I can't offer any reply on the musical stylings of Beowulf or Hirax. Katon from Hirax and I have always had each other‘s back since we hooked up at Rehab in 1982 when I was 12 years old with a serious PCP addiction. He slipped me a shank after being threatened by another patient, one of the Pittsburgh Steelers. After that we rolled deep. I haven't seen him in years since I relapsed and started huffing Freon. Rap City is on, I'll be back...

Bobby: Beowulf is bad ass. I don't know what you're talking about. Welcome to Venice was a high water mark for music in my youth for me. Maybe it's about where we're from. I don't know where Metal Inquisition corporate headquarters is but in California Venice was the toughest skate and music scene ever so whether we really liked the music or not we respected it out of healthy boyhood fear. I actually liked the music though. Call me weird. Hirax I've seen live and they killed it. Raging Violence is bad ass. I must be a trendy fuck or it's a demographic thing. By the late 90's I was already over most things altogether so I missed out on all the kids pretending.

Tony: I'll appreciate Beowulf because they could kick my ass. I don't want them finding out i slagged them, because i'd run the risk of getting beat up. Hirax rules because of Katon, but I'm not a huge fan of the bass player. I was nice enough to let him use my bass rig one time when we opened for them, and he was giving me a fair amount of attitude while i explained the minor problems with my amp. Apparently he thought i worked at the club. Fuck that guy. Actually, don't print that. He could probably kick my ass too.

Rickenbacker basses and Red Hot Chili Peppers shirts?! Not brutal!! At least there is a James Murphy solo.

Obituary caused quite a stir by wearing extremely non-brutal Rollins Band and Red Hot Chili Peppers shirts in the video for "The End Complete." What shirt would you wear in your video if you wanted to rile up 16 fans?

Jason: The "Fashion" clause in our relapse Agreement prevents me from wearing any band shirts in a video or Blockbuster Hollywood movie. I can either wear no shirt or a leather vest. If I could wear a shirt with the intent to "rile up" 16 fans, I would wear a shirt that says "16 Fucks Your Mom The Hardest" in a video.

Bobby: We're getting an official video? All right! If I wear no shirt our "fans" will get riled. Most band shirts are kind of lame anyway, especially if they are totally huge bands. Why would Obituary wear something as lame as a chili peppers shirt? Rollins Band was heavier than most back then so I support that fashion move.

I couldn't find one of their hockey jerseys, but this navy ringer tees screams "crappy mid-90s alt-metal merch" just as loudly

Long ago in a galaxy far away, I spent $65 on a Prong hockey jersey. What is your most questionable metal purchase? Did you ever own Deicide "jams" or an Ugly Kid Joe baja jacket?

Jason: I have never been allowed to "purchase" ANY metal items. I can receive them as gifts. I have always had a Personal Assistant and Manager as I am a huge celebrity and have been since age 7. The gifts are screened by my PA and then passed on to me via private courier daily. I am endorsed currently by Dolce Gabanna and Roberto Cavalli for menswear. I do need to mention that the UGG endorsement is strictly for Tony, our bass player as he has a personal love with their "boots." I did purchase a "metal" ring once that left a green mark on my finger. This had serious repercussions for me and my family as I was the current leading male hand model for Neutrogena hand creams. I was fired and lost hundreds of thousands of dollars as a result. I prefer white gold to metal these days.

Bobby: I actually don't have any because I've always been too broke, too cool, too addicted, or not into any band enough to buy their merchandise. 16 have stress balls now if anyone wants to make a questionable metal purchase of their own. I'd like to make 16 ponchos as well. That's close to a baja jacket and will probably be looked back upon the same in a few years. The Naked Raygun comb has stood the test of time though.

Jason: As an after-note, I will probably catch a ton of shit for this interview as my Manager did not "pre-screen" it. You fags better appreciate it. This one may cost me my career and "Wheaties" endorsement.

We need to buy Tom G Warrior a new jacket

I like to help the less fortunate. When I see a lost dog, I take it home and make posters to find its owner. When I have leftovers from a restaurant, I give them to the homeless man on the street who has just soiled himself. I can't help myself, it's a part of who I am. I can identify those who are in need, and quickly come up with a plan to help them out. Many who live in the western hemisphere worry about those who are hungry in Africa, those who struggle with poverty in Central America...but they often ignore the less fortunate who are often right at their doorstep. Who am I talking about? I'm talking about Tom G Warrior. You see, it's at this time of year that my wife and I decide what charities we will give to, and while doing research online I found the most worthy cause of all...a new jacket for Tom G. Now, I know what you are saying "Hey what about the starving children?" Well, I must ask you "what about Tom G?" Mr. Warrior has given us all so much (let's not forget that amazing track Cherry Orchards ) so why shouldn't we give back? It was a similar concern that forced me to bring up how badly Dan Lilker needs a new pose for pictures. But back to dear Tom, please look at these pictures, some of which date back to 2005! The man has been wearing the same horrible motorcycle jacket for years!













We must act now! Time is of the essence! Please, send all your money via PayPal to Metal Inquisition along with what type of jacket you think we should buy for Tom. Here are the choices.


This would be a fantastic choice, due to its versatility. Everyday I see young black kids who are hella' hip-hop wearing these. Who would have thought that a Nascar jacket would appeal to hip hop audiences? If it's good enough for them, why not Tom G?



Again, a little hip hop never did anyone any harm. These were kinda' popular back when Tom started wearing his current leather jacket, so he'd feel right at home in one of these.


Who would have thought that Members Only jackets would make a comeback? I guess all is fair in love and war, and ironic fashion. Again, due to its soft leather material, Tom G would have no trouble jumping into this fantastic brown number. For the longest time I've been thinking about how Tom needs more earth tones in his wardrobe, so this would fit right in with my fashion strategy for him.



Okay, this one is a bit out there, but if anyone can pull it off it's Tom. I mean, the guy was able to pull off an album like Cold Lake while retaining his street cred...why not test the limits?





You may think this option is a joke, but if you're down with the old school, you probably remember that Reed St Mark wore a jacket like this for a good while during the late 80s. Damn the internet, I can't find a picture of it...but I swear it. If anyone can find a picture of it, let me know.

If you review the pictures of Tom above, you will see his terrible soul patch and his love for hats. Could it be? Could Tom be suffering from the terrible double-whammy? I think so. The poor guy has a mild case of Robb Flynn's Disease AND he's going bald. Here's a rare picture of Tom without a hat, where we see the last remnants of his once brittle, metal mane. Don't ask me why he's painted white, perhaps Celtic Frost is reuniting once again as a mime troupe, what do I know?




Oh yes, I forgot to mention that if we raise enough money we will also buy Tom a new pair of shoes. Seriously, how can we let one of metal's leading pioneers wear platform boots that even an Eastern European raver would laugh at?

Special Superbowl Post: Shane Embury and Chris Kemoeatu, one and the same?

Are Napalm Death's Shane Embury and Steelers offensive guard Chris Kemoeautu be the same person? You may think I'm stupid for even bringing this up, but allow me to elaborate.

Look, I've seen Napalm Death live five or six times during my lifetime. NOT ONCE was Chris Kemoeautu there at the same time as Shane Embury. They are NEVER at the same place at the same time. Why is that? I'm telling you, they're the same person! So if you're going to watch the Superbowl this weekend, keep an eye out...I bet you won't see Shane Embury there. Coincidence? I think not.



For all our non-American readers, the Superbowl is a large sporting event where football is played. Not that other kind of football, American football. It's a sport where guys that look kinda' like Dino Cazares hit each other and make lots of money.

One last point about Shane Embury...is there no justice in this world? Aside from being an absolutely hideous, and horrendously fat human being...life has just dealt him another blow. He's now bald. Ugh.

Glen Benton—New Chiquita Banana Spokesperson

If anyone ever asks me again why I think metal today sucks, and why I think back on the early 90s so fondly, I will show them this picture.

Retroview: Dio - Holy Diver

Let me state my case plainly: if you do not like this album, you are a piece of shit. If you think this album is a joke, you're a retard and you don't know shit about metal. In fact, I'll go so far as to say that if you do not like this album you have no business listening to metal. It's as simple as that.

First of all, look at the cover! How much more metal can you get than some demon drowning a chained up priest from a mountaintop under an ominous sundown!? So fucking awesome.

The album kicks off with the balls out rocker "Stand Up and Shout." Vivian Campbell (of Def Leppard fame) lays down some killer riffs while Ronnie wails nonsensical shit like "You are the driver/ You own the road/You are the fire go on explode!" "Holy Diver" is a stone cold, undeniable classic. That epic, chugging, mid-paced riff is unforgettable. Again, I have no idea what the fuck any of it means, lines like "Ride the tiger/You can see his stripes but you know he's clean," make no sense, but who cares? From there Ronnie goes on to sing about riding gypsies, not talking to strangers, and being invisible. "Straight Through the Heart" is another favorite. It's four and a half minutes of pure fist-pumping, head-banging intensity. A song about a rainbow (even if it's in the dark) with a keyboard-driven melody doesn't sound very metal, but "Rainbow in the Dark" is an umistakable classic and perhaps Dio's finest moment. The album comes to a fitting close with the creepy-crawling power ballad "Shame On the Night" and in just over forty minutes you've experienced one of the greatest metal albums ever made.

And of course let us not forget the excellent videos that accompanied the album, the most memorable of which is for the title track, "Holy Diver." It features a fur-clad Ronnie James roaming a desolate land as the most improbable and least intimidating of warriors. He turns two vagabonds into rats with his sword and then visits a blacksmith where he receives a new sword and then proceeds to prance around a castle swinging his new sword around betraying the fact that he has no idea how to actually use it. I'm not sure which makes less sense, the video or the lyrics, but I love them both dearly.

The second video is of course for "Rainbow in the Dark." In this classic video we find our favorite heavy metal elf singing on the roof of some building in a leather vest with no shirt on while some creepy schlub in a suit lusts after some chubby girl he sees on the street. Vivian Campbell then rescues the girl from the clutches of the creepy schlub by playing a guitar solo in his face and Ronnie continues strutting and singing on the roof. Keep your eyes peeled for his pointy, fur-lined white boots. Mama mia!

Wild Man...Wild!

Unbelievable stage banter (audio only) from black metal's leading idiot Cronos. No music here...just the mind of a genius at work. The audio is from a 1986 show that Venom played in New Jersey's City Gardens with Black Flag.

Years later, Henry Rollins (then singer of Black Flag) would go on to write about this show in one of his books. From Wikipedia:

Venom used portable fans to keep their hair flowing while on stage. "It was like seeing Spinal Tap ... I expected them to go into 'Sex Farm' at any second." Rollins writes that he and some tourmates drew magic marker pentagrams on their hands to flash at Venom and offer “Hail Satan” salutes. For their final number, Venom asked the audience to chant what Rollins thought was “Black Funky Metal”, which briefly made Rollins suspect that he had overlooked Venom's sense of humor, until he realized Venom was actually saying “Black Fucking Metal.”

You may recognize the "Wild man... wild!" sample that the Beastie Boys used on the song "Mark On The Bus". Listen and be amazed.

Robb Flynn's Disease Claims Another Victim — Venom's Mantas

The epidemic known as Robb Flynn's disease has claimed an unlikely victim, Venom's Mantas (real name Jeff Dunn). In case you are wondering, yes that's him on the right. Note the "wacky" haircut, facial hair and the fantastic suspenders that are hanging off his pants. The suspenders are made of chains. What else? The singer in his band (called Mantas by the way) is no genius either, check out his goggles. Is it just me or has the whole metal world started to take design cues from Rob Zombie circa 1995, and Tank Girl?

Look, Mantas looked like an idiot, even during the peak of his career. If you can call "Teacher's Pet" a peak. Just look at the picture from the back of Venom's influential "Black Metal" album. Mustache? Yes. White go-go boots? Yes. Gloves? Yes. Fan blowing hair? Yes. Over sized Honda touring motorcycle? Yes.


I've heard that "the squeaky wheel gets the oil", so perhaps this phenomenon is merely metal fossils looking at themselves in the mirror and deciding that they simply must fix the wreck that they see in the mirror. Still...you know you have turned into an absolute dope when people are actually thinking "you know, you looked better when you wore your white go go boots."

The Metal Inquisition Vault: Some old flyers

I know most of the posts on MI are funny. Well, they are supposed to be funny... I don't think this one is in that category, sorry. I apologize to the other MI staff if you think this post does not belong here. I just thought it would be cool to share some of the flyers I have collected in one way or another through the years. Some are from my collection, some scans I got and others from the internet. Some of the art is funny, some of the line-ups are odd (GBH/Death Angel??), but each one of these flyers brings memories to me and I hope to you too. I fully expect a few "I was at that show" out of this... I hope you likey...

Iron Maiden, 3.14.08. Thoughts And Observations

Photo by Heidi Coluzz

It's a challenging task indeed to attempt to to encapsulate the Iron Maiden show in New Jersey's Izod Arena in a single post. But overall, it's safe to say that the experience was grand, and Metal Inquisition staffers have put their thoughts together in this post for you, the reader. Yes there were some flaws (backdrops only? No huge mummy version of Eddie in a coffin behind Nicko?) but overall it was a satisfying experience. Here are some thoughts, observations and memories tied into the event.

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Right as we came into the arena, I was amazed to see a guy with no forearms (just tiny, tiny hands at elbow level) throwing the horns and sticking his tongue out as his friends screamed "Maiden!" I knew this would be a memorable event.

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Seeing a young kid, maybe 18 years old, with a very new-looking tattoo of the cover of Repulsion's "Horrified" was a breath of fresh air. If metal is still alive, it's alive within that kid. Sadly the kid looked like he had fetal alcohol syndrome...but beggars can't be choosers.

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After the show ended, after drinking beer, and chanting "six, six, six, the number of the beast!" all the metalheads rushed to the Mrs Field's cookie stand by the door to buy warm cookies. Talk about reverting to their youth! It's odd to see a dude with an Overkill "Fuck You" t shirt run up to the cookie stand and say "two chocolate chip, and ... oooh oooh! Two oatmeal ones!"

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As I expected, there was a large number of older fans that clearly had well paying jobs, and had (in a way) moved beyond their metal roots. The award for most together fan goes to the guy who cut us off as we drove into the parking lot, as he drove a new Lexus LS 600L. Driving a $100,000 car to a Maiden show is a nice choice indeed. I admire the guy for driving the same car that some of the band members he was going to see may have. Not to brag, but I remember doing the same thing back in the day. I drove my Ford Festiva to a Deicide show in the mid-90s, which I'm sure is what the Hoffman brothers were sharing at that point in their lives. Perhaps they still share that car. Lastly, allow me to point out that Festivas are great cars due to their "one key opens all" approach, by which I mean that the key to your Festiva will open nearly 80% of other Festivas. This is true, not safe, but true.

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Celebrity sighting? Well, uh...sorta. Was that King Fowley and the guitar player from Deceased in front of me at the show? It totally was!

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Security, being the usual uptight dopes that they are to metalheads (are they jealous of metal's free spirited attitude? I don't know), asked a guy in front of me to stop headbanging! I'm not even kidding! Dude was going crazy and getting WAY too into it. But still. Security dude shined his flashlight on him, and yelled at him to stop. What? It's Maiden man! Damn.

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Dave Murray's hair looked like it died sometime during the Seventh Son Of A Seventh Son tour. I don't mean it all fell out...most of it is there, but it's dead, expired, kaput, out of order. Look at it in this picture, it looks exactly like the Cryptkeeper's hair, who was supposed to be a corpse! Even Eddie would be looking at him thinking "man, what about some conditioner?"

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Jesus, Bruce...those are some pants! He looked like godamned Big Bird.

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I know the Eddie-walking-on-stilts issue is a serious one for Maiden fans. You see, some fans get mad when you point out how awkward and cheap it looks. Is it cheesy? You bet. Does the guy in that outfit and stilts move awkwardly as hell, making for a comical moment of stupidity in the show? Yes. But would we all miss it if it weren't there? Yes. Hey, at least they're not busting out the weird dancing couple or Chewbacca from the "Number Of The Beast" video.

Photo by Heidi Coluzz

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This concert had further proof for me that metal is indeed an equal opportunity sub-culture. Right as we came in, a fat midget (okay, okay... little person) was chillin', talking to his friends with a swagger normally reserved for top-of-the-pecking-order individuals in most sub-cultures. This guy was badass, talking about "some chick dude, I don't even remember who she was". I was amazed. Here was this lil' guy, wearing a vintage "Killers" t shirt talking about "some chick." I was happy for him, and for all of us. Metal, the great equalizer.

Note: Not actual midget sighted at Maiden show.

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Though only shown quickly from time to time on the big screens on either side of the stage, Nicko's face has obviously gotten even more grotesque over the years. What happened to his nose? It looked like a pug was playing drums.

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A sad, sad fact dawned on me while the audience rocked to "Fear of the Dark". I looked around and noticed there were a lot metal chicks. Most of them weren't that hot, but the point is that they were there with their dudes. Some guys out there ended up with metal chicks, but none of us did. We were an 8-dude sausage fest. I never thought about it, but NONE of my friends ended up with a kick-ass girl that wears rad Testament tees. All our significant others are pretty square and dull. What a bummer. I wish my lady had bad tattoos on the cleavage.

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Most embarrassing moment of the evening: As Steve Harris played the first few notes of The Clairvoyant, I turned around and yelled "Fuck yeah, TAILGUNNER!" Uhm, I have no excuse, I confused a song from 7th Son with a song from No Prayer. I'm pretty lame, I know.

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Opening for Maiden has to be a tough job. Who wants to see a band before Maiden? I paid my money, let me see what color spandex Harris is wearing NOW, dammit! Dude, Steve Harris' daughter's band opened for them. I don't even know where to start with this bunch of fucktards. Wow! They sucked... Every song was generic with terrible generic lyrics, generic riffs, generic solos... BARF! The one good thing is that they only played 5 songs. If they ever come to your town: RUN!

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I don't know why, but where we were standing the sound wasn't that loud. So I could hear everyone around the singing. Ew! They all sounded terrible! "Hey, bro, just 'cuz you are wearing a Somewhere in Time tee and know the words, it does not mean you can carry a tune!" That's when I realized the guy in front of me was probably thinking the exact same thing. "I'm sorry, dude, I guess I should practice what I preach" Let me illustrate may point:

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Moonchild is a fucking amazingly metal tune and I owe it my sore neck and throat.

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We all know that Maiden are big soccer fans. I was aware that they were West Ham supporters, but they really took it to the max on this tour. Not only was Steve Harris wearing his WH wristbands and bass strap with the Hammers sticker, but Nicko's Whole drumset was WH colors. I think that's awesome. I wonder if Frodo hangs out with them <--Really, really obscure reference. Anyone?