You're not my real dad: An interview with 16

With the possible exception of Lucho Metales, all of us here at Metal Inquisition are sad, broken men. It should come as no surprise, then, that we are also big fans of 16. I have been listening to 16 since I was in high school, but the older I get, the more I like them. This is because the more life crushes my spirit, shatters my dreams, destroys my ambition, and generally fills me with a pervasive sense of regret, self-loathing, and disappointment, the more I relate to 16's lyrics. If you have never heard them, they play sludgy shit along the lines of Cavity, Eyehategod, and Fudge Tunnel. Some of them were also in Despise You and Crom (which is why I asked so many questions about them). Please buy their shit from Relapse.


You are now on Relapse. How is that working out? In the contract, does it say you have to grow a beard, purchase a pair of rapist glasses, and beat off to anime tentacle-rape snuff porn in your parents' basement to fit in with all their mouth-breathing fans?

Jason: I wrote the "Agreement" as it's called in the business world. It is a small 237 page document that actually has a specific "Grooming Clause" that outlines specifically what each member of 16 MUST do on a daily basis and an amendment for "Show Grooming" tips. Relapse had some issues with the testicle shaving and pubic hair removal or dye requirements as they didn't want to spend the $50 a month for my Brazilian Waxing and olive green dye I use for the nether region. They didn't have any real issues with our sunglasses as they know we are going to be so hugely famous and they expect us to entirely reshape their existing fan base. We are not allowed to "beat-off" ourselves anymore (it's in the Agreement) but we are allowed a 2 minute "reach around" which can be administered by any band member and only one Sunday a month. Things are working our great with Relapse but I will submit an amendment to the existing agreement this week that will outline Spring and Summer wardrobe requests from the band. I follow fashion and really need the latest leather studded boxers with matching leather dog mask from "The Gauntlet" sex shop for our Summer shows.

Bobby: Relapse has contracts? I don't remember signing anything. Ask my bank because my signature is fucking worthless and I never read anything; I just sign it and never do what the stupid piece of paper told me to do in the first place. In California we do not have basements to beat off in. We usually take longer showers to rub one out while we live in a car outside of our parent's house so we can pursue our "dreams".

I also got a Meat Shits Discharge cover dedicated to me at a bar once. I walked outside to smoke so I would not hear it.

We are all big Meat Shits fans. I know it's hard, but if you had to pick just one thing that makes them great, what would it be? And you can't say "their painstaking approach to song craft and crystal-clear production."

Jason: I have no real time to discuss any other band right now as I am negotiating an endorsement for 16 with UGG boots.

Bobby: Meat Shits "Sniper at the fag parade" is a cd I got as a gift from a guy who later killed himself. True story. I've never listened to it. I also got a Meat Shits Discharge cover dedicated to me at a bar once. I walked outside to smoke so I would not hear it. My friend Max was the DJ and there were some sketchy skinheads there. I will continue to ignore this band because based on past history if I get into it something very bad will happen to me.

Tony: The only thing i can remember about them is the cover of one of their records. It was a picture of a girl who's sucking...wait. i'll keep it clean. let's just say it's a picture of a girl who's "snappin' into a slim jim."

Who needs HG Wells when you've got Mike Browning??

If I had access to the Nocturnus time machine, I would go back and uncover the secret identities of the mysterious Despise You. Especially that girl "Leticia." What would you do with it??

Jason: H.G. Wells made a better time machine so straight-up fuck Nocturnus. I already know the Despise You identities. I wouldn't even get into the time machine though. I'd get airsick and the past is the past. The less I know the better. Knowing me I'd get into some gunfights, become a drug kingpin and get stuck in prison wishing I wouldn't have left my couch watching "Gangland" and "Lockup."

Bobby: Despise You are bigger in LA than Fishbone or Mary's Danish ever were. It's really a testament to capitalism. Hmm, Time Machine, I would go back and live my life exactly like I have except I would not be bummed because I would know exactly how it all turns out and would not be continually surprised at how shitty it all really is.

Anyway, back to the time machine. I'd travel back to that one day in 4th grade, only this time, I'd refuse to go into that creepy bike shop owner's apartment with my best friend Dudley.

Tony: I actually do know the real identity of the elusive (original recordings) "Leticia." That's not her real name of course, but she was in fact a smokin' hot Latina. That was a long time ago. She was probably 19 years old back then. She must be in her early thirties now. Total granny. Anyway, back to the time machine. I'd travel back to that one day in 4th grade, only this time, I'd refuse to go into that creepy bike shop owner's apartment with my best friend Dudley.

This logo means "quality"!

You might be surprised to learn that even though some of us at Metal Inquisition were on the Wild Rags street team, we never actually met Richard C. Being from Southern California, have you? If so, what did he smell like?

Jason: What the fuck was "Wild Rags?" Who? My personal trainer is here and I have to tan. Be back in a bit.

Bobby: Since Wild Rags was on Whittier blvd. he probably smelled like carne asada and horchata. I liked that store and actually purchase a few choice items from it. When you bought something he would give you a bunch of free crappy promo shit so I thought he was a righteous dude back then. I went there high on methamphetamine and looked through the whole used cd selection for like 2 hours and only purchases one item. No wonder that place was auctioned by a bank and ran out of business.

Tony: Is he the Wild Rags guy? I only went there twice, and i think i held my breath both times. Sorry about that. I made eye contact with him, though.

Chris Elder is angry because someone talked him into putting out a Fishsticks song

Former Pessimiser CEO Chris Elder is one of my favorite human beings of all time, and he has the best handwriting ever. But I feel bad for him because he's so angry. What's up with that? Is it just because he's short? Who the hell were Fishsticks, and why did he put them on Cry Now, Cry Later Vol I?

Jason: Ahhh, my skin is a golden brown and I just did 2 hours of Yoga. Where was I... Oh yeah, Elder's penmanship is quite an art-form. It should be a mandatory font for computers. I have saved all my Birthday cards, Easter cards, death threats, Christmas cards, etc that he gave me since I got jumped into the Pessimiser Fan Club. He is far from angry, just misunderstood. He just knows the truth. If you call him short" ever again in my presence I will send Vin Diesel to your house and he will kick your ass. Time to "check yo' self before you wreck yo' self." Fishsticks, ha! That sucked didn't it. That was the ONLY song NEVER played from that 2X7". When I put the CD version in my iTunes I deleted that song. My Dad played the Stapled Shut song so much he ruined the record. He told me stories of hanging with those guys and getting kicked out of Disneyland for shoplifting.

Bobby: You know I was always impressed with Elder's handwriting too. It's backhand gangster style. I don't know if he's all that angry, he more of a genius humorist for our time. Like a modern day Will Rogers. Try being white and growing up in Inglewood, that guy is a survivor that's for sure.

We're very open-minded here at Metal Inquisition. I mean, we'll listen to anything from Bloodcum to Wasted Youth, or from Scatterbrain to Mordred. What stuff in your record collection would surprise people?

Jason: Trick Trick, Sade, Ca$his, Julie London, Active Member, Compton's Most Wanted, Obie Trice, Komis X, and Pink.

Bobby: Kidz Bop Volume 9 and Mindfunk. My kid really likes Kelly Clarkson too.

Tony: Sam Cooke, and the mighty H&O.

You're all old and bitter, so I'm sure you are confused and frightened by new developments in youth culture. What do you make of new genres like wigger slam, screamo crunk, and wigger black metalcore?

Jason: Those are all solid examples of why I own numerous firearms and weapons. Chances are if I leave the house to go anywhere douche bags like that congregate, I'll kill someone or multiple "people" (term used loosely). Bobby did call me a "White N-word" on tour last month and I have toyed with the idea of creating "Wigger Sludgecore." I'd probably be the richest fucker on the planet with that one... Time to take my meds. I weep for the future.

Bobby: This all just confirms the apocalypse is near and restores my faith in what we as -16- do. I say let them combines everything until it's all beige. "Extreme" music will become a perfect palatable combination of styles where everyone can grab onto something but as a whole it lacks anything innovative other than the fact that they combined musical feces to create more well more feces. A glorious stew of shit.

Tony: I'm speechless, dawg.

"Maybe funk grind or better yet funk funeral doom will be the next craptacular trend."

Bands like Municipal Waste have been raping Anthrax/DRI-style "thrash" for a while now, with mixed results. Why don't they copy cooler thrash bands like Annihilator, Meliah Rage and Toxik? When will they start incorporating Mordred-style slap bass?

Jason: I saw Anthrax when Lamb of God "opened" for them and boy did Anthrax suck. I am not familiar with any of the "cooler" thrash bands you mentioned. Don't slap bass, slap bitches instead.

Bobby: It is all cyclical but just wait until Body Count comes back in vogue. Funk metal is about due for a comeback as well. Maybe funk grind or better yet funk funeral doom will be the next craptacular trend.

Tony: I'm just glad they haven't imitated Gothic Slam yet. I'm in the process of biting that sound. Keep that under your hat, if you don't mind.

The clothes on the floor are my still-unpacked suitcase from the 2009 Metal Inquisition Mid-Atlantic Innovation Retreat at Lucho Metales' compound/ranch last weekend. The couch is from Ikea.

Like I said before, when I was in high school I jocked Chris Elder like nobody's business. I even have a "Cry Now, Cry Later" tattoo! Anyway, I knew he liked Beowulf so I tried really, really hard to get into them, but I never could because they are fucking terrible. Along the same lines, I remember in the late 90s a lot of kids started pretending to like Hirax because Max Ward from Spazz was hyping them. Other than being on Chris' dick like I was, is there a reason to appreciate either of these awful bands that I'm missing?

Jason: I listen to NOTHING but grind core, rap, hardcore and drop tuned ghetto metal so I can't offer any reply on the musical stylings of Beowulf or Hirax. Katon from Hirax and I have always had each other‘s back since we hooked up at Rehab in 1982 when I was 12 years old with a serious PCP addiction. He slipped me a shank after being threatened by another patient, one of the Pittsburgh Steelers. After that we rolled deep. I haven't seen him in years since I relapsed and started huffing Freon. Rap City is on, I'll be back...

Bobby: Beowulf is bad ass. I don't know what you're talking about. Welcome to Venice was a high water mark for music in my youth for me. Maybe it's about where we're from. I don't know where Metal Inquisition corporate headquarters is but in California Venice was the toughest skate and music scene ever so whether we really liked the music or not we respected it out of healthy boyhood fear. I actually liked the music though. Call me weird. Hirax I've seen live and they killed it. Raging Violence is bad ass. I must be a trendy fuck or it's a demographic thing. By the late 90's I was already over most things altogether so I missed out on all the kids pretending.

Tony: I'll appreciate Beowulf because they could kick my ass. I don't want them finding out i slagged them, because i'd run the risk of getting beat up. Hirax rules because of Katon, but I'm not a huge fan of the bass player. I was nice enough to let him use my bass rig one time when we opened for them, and he was giving me a fair amount of attitude while i explained the minor problems with my amp. Apparently he thought i worked at the club. Fuck that guy. Actually, don't print that. He could probably kick my ass too.

Rickenbacker basses and Red Hot Chili Peppers shirts?! Not brutal!! At least there is a James Murphy solo.

Obituary caused quite a stir by wearing extremely non-brutal Rollins Band and Red Hot Chili Peppers shirts in the video for "The End Complete." What shirt would you wear in your video if you wanted to rile up 16 fans?

Jason: The "Fashion" clause in our relapse Agreement prevents me from wearing any band shirts in a video or Blockbuster Hollywood movie. I can either wear no shirt or a leather vest. If I could wear a shirt with the intent to "rile up" 16 fans, I would wear a shirt that says "16 Fucks Your Mom The Hardest" in a video.

Bobby: We're getting an official video? All right! If I wear no shirt our "fans" will get riled. Most band shirts are kind of lame anyway, especially if they are totally huge bands. Why would Obituary wear something as lame as a chili peppers shirt? Rollins Band was heavier than most back then so I support that fashion move.

I couldn't find one of their hockey jerseys, but this navy ringer tees screams "crappy mid-90s alt-metal merch" just as loudly

Long ago in a galaxy far away, I spent $65 on a Prong hockey jersey. What is your most questionable metal purchase? Did you ever own Deicide "jams" or an Ugly Kid Joe baja jacket?

Jason: I have never been allowed to "purchase" ANY metal items. I can receive them as gifts. I have always had a Personal Assistant and Manager as I am a huge celebrity and have been since age 7. The gifts are screened by my PA and then passed on to me via private courier daily. I am endorsed currently by Dolce Gabanna and Roberto Cavalli for menswear. I do need to mention that the UGG endorsement is strictly for Tony, our bass player as he has a personal love with their "boots." I did purchase a "metal" ring once that left a green mark on my finger. This had serious repercussions for me and my family as I was the current leading male hand model for Neutrogena hand creams. I was fired and lost hundreds of thousands of dollars as a result. I prefer white gold to metal these days.

Bobby: I actually don't have any because I've always been too broke, too cool, too addicted, or not into any band enough to buy their merchandise. 16 have stress balls now if anyone wants to make a questionable metal purchase of their own. I'd like to make 16 ponchos as well. That's close to a baja jacket and will probably be looked back upon the same in a few years. The Naked Raygun comb has stood the test of time though.

Jason: As an after-note, I will probably catch a ton of shit for this interview as my Manager did not "pre-screen" it. You fags better appreciate it. This one may cost me my career and "Wheaties" endorsement.

The thrash metal checklist

With so many genres, subgenres, and sub-subgenres of metal, it can be hard to classify a band. Are they progressive cyber pornogrind, neoclassical wigger slam, or post-structuralist industrial shred? Sometimes you just can't tell! With that in mind, we assembled this handy guide to identifying one of the most common species in the field: the thrash metal band. Simply go down the list and ask yourself if the following elements are present. Think of it as a Jeff Foxworthy bit: "You just might be a thrash band if..."


Toxic waste
I am not sure why thrash bands have such a fixation on toxic waste, but they definitely do. The image above captures the toxic waste thing nicely, as well as a few other memes such as "smug, fat rich guy on the cover." I guess toxic waste was just part of the zeitgeist of the 1980s, as evidenced by the creation of the lamest superhero cartoon ever, Captain Planet. It's almost charming to look back at the 80s thrash movement as a time when people actually cared about stuff, as opposed to the unapologetic self-centeredness of today's popular music (for example, Avenged Sevenfold). By comparison, the idealism and enthusiasm of, say, Sacred Reich is kind of like watching Leave It To Beaver or something.
Examples: Evildead, Nuclear Assault, Sodom


Mascot
We pretty much said all there is to say about this phenomenon in our 3 part series on metal spokesmen (here, here, and here), but the list certainly wouldn't be complete without a mascot!


Amateurish sociopolitical commentary
For some reason the 80s made every dumb thrash band think they were Noam Chomsky, and every band treated us to their unsolicited, uninformed opinions on social issues delivered in musical format. I don't completely get it, but as Mike Muir taught us, just because you don't understand it don't mean it don't make no sense. And just because you don't like it, don't mean it ain't no good. Because you wouldn't know what crazy was if Charles Manson was eating Froot Loops on your front porch. In any case, a thrash band can definitely write songs about shit like monsters, nightmares, and killer robots, but they have to include at least one or two songs about some kind of social injustice. For example, DRI's "Thrash Zone" has songs about lighthearted fare like moshing, but they also tackle meatier subjects like kidnapping ("Abduction") and that school sucks ("Beneath the Wheel"). That is the kind of effortless ambidexteriy that makes thrash what it is!
Examples: Laaz Rockit, Sepultura, Sacred Reich, Suicidal Tendencies


Sick guitars
You really aren't a thrash band unless you have the right axe. You definitely won't go wrong with trusty standbys like Charvel, Jackson and ESP, but they aren't your only options. If you want to mix it up a little, you can go with something a little more exotic like a Washburn, Karmer or even a Guild! As long as it has shark fin fret inlays, EMGs, a Floyd Rose, and a headstock that looks like it would take your finger off if you brushed up against it wrong, then you're good! Bonus points if the headstock is reversed.

This bad boy combines the oil painting and sick guitar items into one!

It's equally important to know what axes aren't ok. Basically, anything made by Fender or Gibson is off the list. Les Pauls are for punk rockers, and can you imagine Bloodcum jamming on fucking Stratocasters?! Hell no! That's like petting the cat backwards... it's just not done, you know? (By the way, please remind me to do a post on Bloodcum in the near future, I'm seriously shocked we haven't yet and "Death By Clotheshanger" is without a doubt one of the best thrash records ever made)
Examples: Slayer, Exodus, Vio-Lence, Megadeth
(Full disclosure: I stole some of the material in this item from an article KC from Himsa wrote in the zine Hardcore Maniacs back in 93 or so.. so KC, if you're reading, don't be mad!)

Wearing your own band's shirt
You can think of many reasons why thrash bands would wear their own shirts a lot: lack of self-respect/complete disregard for their dignity, being broke, and so forth. Maybe they're just too lazy to do laundry. I have my own theory, which is as follows: they secretly hope that someone will see them at 7-11 or whatever and be like, "Hey bro, sweet Hirax shirt, their shit is hella mass tight," Then the guy will be like, "Thanks dude, that's my band, I play guitar" all nonchalant as though it wasn't the best moment of his life. In his head, though, he is thinking "Fuck yes!! Dude I'm finally getting the fucking recognition I deserve. With any luck, we could even end up on the next Concrete Corner sampler cassette!" But whatever the reason, you simply can't be a thrash band without wearing your own band's shirts.
Examples: Literally every single thrash band ever

"Funny" song
The 80s were an intense decade. Everybody was scared of toxic waste, nuclear war, and the Russians. We had to let off some steam somehow, and in the case of thrash bands, they did it by including at least one goofy "funny" song on their album. I mean, you can only spend so much time screaming about Reagan, the Iran Contra scandal, and whatever other social ills were plaguing us back then (junk bonds, maybe??). At some point you have to let your hair down and party!!
Examples: Forced Entry "We're Dicks", Exodus "Low Rider", Anthrax "I'm The Man"


Anti-drug message
I was too young during the 80s to know anyone other than my parents and all their friends that actually used drugs, but from what I saw in movies and on TV, absolutely everybody was on drugs. Rich people celebrated their financial success by snorting cocaine with $1000 bills in the back of plush limos, and poor people tried to numb the pain of inescapable urban blight by smoking crack. As if that wasn't enough to convince me that everybody was on drugs, all my favorite thrash bands seemed very concerned about drugs use as well! They even went so far as to include the "Winners don't use drugs" seal on the j-card of their cassettes (the image above is from Bad Dudes, but you get the idea).
Examples: Believer, every band on Roadrunner

This awesome Wasted Youth video is perhaps the closest thing you'll get to thrash metal bingo!

What's missing?
We are pretty great at our jobs, but we also know the power of crowdsourcing and Web 2.0 because we read Fast Company and Wired. So we ask you, our loyal readers, to help us complete the checklist! What did we miss?