Cleaning out the Metal Inquisition Archives

I was looking through the Metal Inquisition YouTube account, and realized that a few videos I uploaded were never published.

First up, Barney from Napalm Death showing he's got mad skillz on the mic:




This next one came from one of the many Betamax tapes that are currently housed in the Metal Inquisitions library (a shelf in my basement). It features Kirk Hammet's mustache, and other members of Metallica circa 1991 talking about their new stage set up, and how revolutionary it was. It's as though they invented the cure for polio.




Lastly, we have German (Update: I guess they are actually Swiss. I'm a poser) thrashers Coroner, talking about how innovative their music was, and then telling us super hilarious stories about how "incredibly bizarre" their bus driver is. Hold on to your hats folks, this story is absolutely zany!

Metal Cruise: The end of an era

As though we needed further proof that metal is either dead or on life support, today I received news of a disaster of grand proportions. What am I talking about you ask? I'm talking about the 70000 Tons Of Metal cruise. Proving to everyone that metal is an aging art form (okay maybe calling it an "art form" is a stretch), as are its practitioners and fans. Featuring such hot metal acts as Sodom, Amon Amarth, Raven and Trouble, the cruise is being described as such:

Imagine starting the year in style. In January 2011, 40 Heavy Metal bands and 2,000 fans will go to the Caribbean to take over the luxury cruise ship "Majesty of the Seas" for a 5 day and 4 night trip of a lifetime.

Make no mistake, this is not one of the cruises where you share the ship with regular cruise guests... This is 100% Heavy Metal! Tons of onboard live shows on several in and outdoor stages, open mic nights, bars that never close, a fun-and-sun-filled day on the beautiful island of Cozumel

Can you imagine being stuck on a ship full of fat, aging metal fans? Notice that the ship will be going to Cozumel, Mexico. So I think you can expect that members of Mexican thrash trio Toxodeth will be working as short order cooks. Can you imagine the quality of the performances that will take place on the "open mic nights"? Perhaps members of Raven will do their latest slam poetry...who knows, perhaps members of Sodom will showcase their new hilarious ventriloquist act, which features a masked puppet modeled after their numerous album covers.



Look, I don't fault these guys for trying to cash in just a bit. I don't fault them for trying to get a free vacation, particularly when their idiototic fans are willing to play along. Why not? I do, however, reserve the right to shake my head in disbelief in a manner that would have made an 11 year old version of me proud. A godamned cruise? Seriously? Metal bands aren't even supposed to be exposed to sunlight (much like Gremlins)...aside from that one time that Kreator showed off their sweet beach bods. There was also the seldom-talked about incident that Mayhem fans refer to as the "belly shirt we shall not speak of".





Yes, perhaps I'm in denial. Perhaps I'd like to keep the world as I saw it in earlier times. Metal seemed cool to me when I was young due in great part to its mystique. It was dark, unknown and potentially dangerous. I was 11 then...so perhaps it's time I just grow the hell up, sign up and go on the cruise with my old lady. Who knows, I may even enjoy Raven's poetry slam.

Kreator's Barbarian Revolution

A new video is out for the title track of KREATOR's new album, and it's got swords, guitars, mountains of skulls, a barbarian warrior, a corrupted king, and more. For those in the know, there are visual references to several Frank Frazetta paintings, and for that, I love the video. (The song is good too...while I haven't yet heard the album, it received a thumbs up from Atanamar.)

However the video also features tons of dudes wearing naught but loincloths. While that same image is something present in all the greatest Frazetta and Vallejo paintings, and all the best 1980's barbarian flicks, it's difficult to take seriously in 2009. The image of a bronzed muscled barbarian warrior is just too real. Or maybe too gay.

Either way, I'd like to pose the question: do barbarian warriors have a place in these postmodern times?

As the first step towards addressing this question, allow me to theorize that the rise of the viking in the current zeitgeist owes itself to this very decline in barbarian warrior acceptance. For evidence of the current viking mania, see

1) Amon Amarth
2) Enslaved
3) a bunch of other Viking metal bands I don't listen to
4) The killer relaunch of Marvel's THOR (yes, comic books are metal)
5) and the recent Viking specials on PBS (yes, PBS is metal).

Vikings are so hot right now, because we can no longer handle the near nakedness of barbarian warriors. Vikings have many of the cool attributes of barbarian warriors (insatiable thirst for battle, women, and mead; swords, horned helmets; bad teeth) and none of the bad ones (loincloths, shaved and oiled chests).

The obesity epidemic of the Western world might also have something to do with this. Heavy metal bands can grow beards, purchase tunics, helms, and mead horns (they probably sell these things at the Scandinavian branch of Hot Topic) and look like a viking. It's been done, and it works. However, their bellies are now too large to convincingly do the barbarian thing a la Manowar. You can hide a belly (yes, beer guts are metal) inside that artificially war-torn ("distressed?") tunic, but a barbarian's garb hides absolutely nothing. The result? Tons of Viking metal bands, and precious few barbarian metal bands.

In conclusion, I believe that barbarians can once again capture our collective imaginations, but not until the world undergoes some subtle changes. First of all, we need to get totally ripped. Go on ebay right now, sell yr rare black metal vinyl, and purchase a Bowflex. Second, the current administration must aggressively push a pro-barbarian agenda abroad, into Europe, Asia, and the Middle East. This is a delicate geo-political tango, indeed.

I think KREATOR has taken a few steps in the right direction. Are you ready to embrace barbarians again? Recommended reading: Robert E. Howard and John Norman. Recommended viewing: Deathstalker II, The Warrior and the Sorceress.

KREATOR tours this spring with EXODUS to support the new album.

The ultimate argument settler

We live in a divided nation. For those reading outside the U.S., the same holds true. We live in a divided planet. Just last week, the United States of America had its presidential election. Similarly, here at Metal Inquisition we are hugely invested in the democratic process. We are also, however, authorities in the world of metal, and with that authority we are more than happy to have final say, and settle any metal argument. As the name of this blog implies, we are judge, jury and excecutioner. Below are our rulings. Well, mine at least. Having said that, we will still hear you guys out, probably just to point out how wrong you are though. So, we have decided to let you, our beloved readers, vote. For all those who are not americans, or do not live in this country...feel free to play along.




1. Best Slayer Album: - Reign In Blood or South of Heaven?
Don't be a wise guy and say "Haunting the Chapel", because that was an EP. Don't be an ass and say "Show No Mercy", that's like nominating the fat girl in your high school for prom queen as a joke. My vote? South of Heaven. The production alone makes it the best album hands down. I don't care how controversial my vote is. I'm sticking to it. By the way, if you vote for Seasons In The Abyss, you're a poser. Everyone knows that's Slayer's "new" album.

2. Dark Angel or Death Angel?
We settled this one ourselves sometime back, but we'd now like to hear from our readers. Again, don't be a smartass and say "Morbid Angel". I proudly vote for Dark Angel, even
though the date and place where the lyrics to each song were written are listed in the liner notes.






3. Norwegian black metal or Swedish death metal?
By Swedish death metal, I'm referring to the first three Entombed albums, early Dismember etc. Tough one, but I have to go with Swedish death metal since it generated less awful third rate bands.

If my brother and I had only had the minimal fashion know how necessary to pull off this look in 1989, we would have done it. Yet another obstacle that stood in our way was the fact that my mom wouldn't let us grow our hair long.

4. American thrash or German speed?
Another controversial one, I know. Though some disagree, when I say "german speed metal" I'm talking about the holy-trinity: Kreator, Destruction, Sodom. If you disagree with what I mean by "German speed", go start your own blog. By American thrash I'm talking about Anthrax, Exodus etc. I would love to say german speed, since its more aggressive and cooler...but the reality is that in 1989 I made my mom buy me bermuda shorts because of Anthrax, and I thought Exodus were the coolest band ever. Guilty.







5. New York City, or Bay area thrash?
Which will it be? Forbidden or Anthrax? Overkill or Exodus? Testament or Nuclear Assault? This one is really tough for me. Damnnit, I may have to go with the Bay-Area.

This cover is of the second printing of the video. I have the original one, since I'm no poser.

6. Hard N' Heavy Grindcore edition or Thrash Metal edition?
The Grindcore one had way scarier animation, whereas the thrash metal one had that creepy metal guy basically assaulting women. For comedic value alone, we have to go with the thrash metal one because it features the Anthrax poodle haircut, and unbelievable interviews with Vio-Lence and the award winning piece on Mordred.







7. Who riffs harder, Prong or Pantera?
Yet another argument as old as time itself. We also ruled on this one at one point, and we called it a draw. I personally have to go with Prong. If you want to know about my reasoning, read the post we did all about this ongoing debate.








8. Earache or Roadrunner?
I don't care what these labels are up to now, I don't even know if they exist. I'm talking about back in the day. Napalm Death vs. Malevolent Creation. Obituary and Suffocation vs Bolt Thrower and Carcass. Because of my current love affair with most things that Obituary has done, I have to go with Roadrunner. Don't be a wise guy and say Grindcore records. Let's keep this orderly.







9. Was Darkthrone better as a Swedish death metal band or as a Norwegian black metal band?
No, you can't just answer "none of the above"...so it's a tough one. I know that Mr. Sargeant D has made an argument for why they were way better as a death metal band...but I may have to side with the black metal years. It's just so hard to cut through the cult of personality around them, and the insanely stupid fans. But once I do, I find the black metal albums to be more interesting, even if they sound terrible and are largely composed of three notes that sound like a fly buzzing in my ear. I guess it's part of the charm.






10. Better compilation, Grindcrusher or Death is Just The Begining?
Man, Grindcrusher just hit the spot back in the day! Morbid Angel, Napalm Death....hot damn! I'll just try to forget all the other awful songs.






11. Best/Worst Colaboration: Anthrax and Public Enemy or Biohazard and Onyx?
Biohazard/Onyx certainly provided the highest cringe factor, but I'd be less than honest if I didn't admit to the fact that I still know all the lyrics to Bring The Noise to thise day due to the 'thrax/P.E. colabo. As such, that's who I'm voting for.

Andreas Kisser forced to play with Scorpions to pay rent — Cavalera brothers overheard saying "mission accomplished!"

Though some thought Soulfly was an actual band, it was merely a dress rehearsal for Max Cavalera's masterpiece, The Cavalera Conspiracy. From the moment the band began, the entire world has been laughing, but today we received news which clearly show that the band is no laughing matter at all. As it turns out, The Cavalera Conspiracy is not just the name of a band, but an actual conspiracy put together by the Cavalera brothers to do two things:

1. Take over the world's entire urban camouflage supply

2. Keep former Sepultura member Andreas Kisser from earning an honest living by playing in any semi-relevant musical act.

Proof that the Cavalera brothers have succeeded in accomplishing their second goal comes to us in the form of Andreas playing with Scorpions. Yes, he's a current touring member of the band. Can you imagine that the incoherent guy who did that rad 180 flip in the video for "Inner Self" has had to pimp himself to aging rockers like the Scorpions? I know that maniacs like Mr. Gene Hoglan's Balls enjoy early Scorpions material (last time he was at my house, he played side A of The Tokyo Tapes at least ten times), but this is so sad. It's about as sad as Max's camo bandana, or as sad as the one dude in Soulfly wearing a backpack while he plays guitar.

TANKARD: Bier Macht Spass!!

Metal Hammer Magazine is as responsible for who I am, as my mother or ALF re-runs. I grew up in South America, you see, and when I was a kid, the only way to know what was going on in the world of Metal was through this shitty magazine. I say shitty because most of the articles were about Saxon, Scorpions and WASP. But there were a few, here and there, about Motorhead, Slayer and other cool bands like that. It was in the pages of this mag that I saw for the first time what Jeff Hanneman and King Diamond looked like. I got an awesome Kerry King poster in one issue. I still have it. The record review section was my favorite part of the magazine. I got to read about all these metal records. Living in the ass of the western world, I never thought I would get to hear most of them. Well, as things turned out, I moved to the US of A, and I did get a chance to own a few.

From 1986 until 1989 this magazine was my bible.

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I don't remember what the review for Tankard's "Zombie Attack" said in a 1986 Metal Hammer, but the name of the band and the cover stuck with me. My friend Eduardo came to Florida on vacation in '88 and asked me to give him a list of good bands, so he could buy a few tapes. Tankard made the list, even tho I'd never heard them before. The cover to "Zombie Attack" was just cool. A housewife watching TV with Dracula, the Wolf Man, the Monster of Frankenstein, a skeleton and a Canadian Lumberjack? Classic! I don't know why, but it reminded me of something Anthrax would do. So, Eduardo came back with like 15 cassettes. None of them were for me, of course, but it felt like xmas! This dude brought back "Seventh Son", "Mad Butcher", "State of Euphoria" and of course "Zombie Attack" AND "Chemical Invasion".
I must admit, at first I didn't love "Zombie Attack". It wasn't bad, but I guess I expected something heavier, something like Slayer. But, like any good Pauly Shore movie, it stayed with me until it became one of my favorites. Sorta like 'Bio-Dome', you know? If you haven't heard this classic, I can only describe it as a mixture between Cryptic Slaughter and Destruction with a little bit of Gang Green in there. Gerre's vocals are little more nasaly than in later albums and that might turn off some listeners, but the riffs are fucking catchy. The song "Empty Tankard" is a prime example of early euro crossover.

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Tankard pretty much remained in the same vein (to this day, actually) in this record. The production is better and the songs have a few more changes, but remain pretty straight forward thrashy hardcory metal. It wasn't until I rediscovered this record recently that I realized how much Gerre's vocals remind me of Bill Crooks of Cryptic Slaughter. My only complaint about this record is the instrumental song "For A Thousand Beers". It has long and boring classic guitar intro. Something Exodus would do, except shittier. The rest of the song never really delivers. Just like 'Encino Man', The title track more than makes up for it, tho. It's an all-out thrash attack with an awesome build-up to a mid-tempo catchy riff that speeds up to thrash mayhem! Just like 'Son-in-Law'. It's my favorite Tankard song. It makes me want to drink beers and thrash in my bedroom until I pass out. Seriously, it does.
After this record they actually did a flexi split single with Celtic Frost that came free with an issue of Metal Hammer in Germany. "Lucky" krauts got to listen to a hiss-ridden crappy CF song and a Tankard song that is WAY below their potential.

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When we first got to the US, my brother and I would go to the Franklin Park Mall every chance we got and would hit the record store (Coconuts, I think?). We'd buy any tape that met any of the following 4 criteria: 1. A band we already knew, like Anthrax, Slayer, Maiden or Destruction. 2. A tape with an awesome cover from a band we'd never heard of, like DBC or Possessed. 3. A band whose video on HBB we liked, like Prong and Panic. 4. Bands that we'd heard of through Metal Hammer, like Sabbat, Acrophet, Atrocity, Motorhead, Acid Reign, Sodom, Kreator and Tankard.
That's how we acquired "The Morning After". The cover, once again, is a classic! If I followed my gut when listening to Tankard, I'd drink tons of beer and Jack and thrash 'til I puked. This is what I'd look like "The Morning After"... This poor dude is HUNG OVER. He probaly feels like he just watched 'In the Army Now' over and over. He even stabbed his teddy bear over night, brah... That's serious beer drinking, German style. THAT'S HOW THEY ROLL, SON!
Musically they stayed fast, thrashy and furious. You really can't tell the difference between these 2 records, which is great since they are so good. TMA maybe a bit faster over all and includes "Try Again", which is a pretty punky song with scream alongs. This is the song they probably did as an encore and had all the drunken fans onstage screaming. If they didn't they should have! The title track is great, too. It might as well be an Excel cover.

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This record, I listened to the first time in the last few years. I was going through a sentimental metal revival and I downloaded it via Napster, when Napster was real. "Alien" has to be my favorite all around release by the German beer-drinking thrashers. It's probably their most 'famous' record. It's a 5 song EP. It's a total classic with songs like "666 Packs" and a new version of "Empty Tankard". The cover is, of course, awesome. A beer-drinking alien riding a magical fridge full of, you guessed it, beer. This alien dude became Tankard's Eddie and was in a bunch more covers to come.

I wonder how drunk this Russian dude was when he got this done. Very, very drunk, I hope.
The dude with the Slayer shirt, is the Russian Jon Bon Jovi.

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After "Alien" I lost touch with Tankard. One of those things, you know? People grow apart, I guess. I heard "The Meaning of Life" only once and I was happy to hear that it sounded like Tankard. The only reason I wanted to talk about this record is because the cover is simply brilliant. Not very metal, but I'd love to have the original art framed in my kitchen, or my laundry room (if I had one). The Pope, Mike Tyson and the German Prime Minister drinking beers in one table and Tankard's alien and mad scientist drinking Jack in another. Really fucking rad.

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If you need any convincing why Tankard rulez, check out a list of things I got from their site, verbatim:

- We were reviewed in an English article as "Fat ugly German bastards", thus the self-ironic title for our live album "Fat, Ugly and Live"

- We never get any groupies. The audience is mainly comprised of fat dudes with smelly vests on.

- We never received any recognition from the city of Frankfurt or the beer industry for our contribution to mass alcohol consumption.

- Gerre fell asleep with 3.3 blood-alcohol during an interview on Music Box.

- We make fun of ManOwar on our song: "Sword held higher - who's the liar? - I have the beer of fire!"


Want more? Here's some other cool images I came across while researching for the post:

Well, what do you expect after singing about and drinking beer for 20 years?



Here's Gerre with some fan. Check out his vest! Hella cool patches, brah!
Also notice the dude on the left wearing an OppressorT-shirt. Classic!

"Allo girrlz. My name iz Lex. I livez in Sbitzerland. I ab Tankard tattu und ein kool air-doo. Mine chazthairz iz also sexy. Pliz phone me."


Tankard in '85. These 2 photos make me feel like a poser. Even at the height of my metaldom I wasn't half as metal as these dudes. Notice the hand-made Tankard T-shirt (top left)


Hmmm... OK, buddy!

IMO, Tankard is one of the most underrated bands in 80's euro-thrash. They are WAY better than Running Wild and Mekong Delta. If you haven't given them a chance, don't. It's way too late, they'll sound like shit to you. If anyone has a few extra Euros (5 of them, actually) and feels like giving me a late birthday gift, here's what I want: A Tankard back-motherfuckin'-patch!