5 Albums That Changed My (musical) Life

Computer-rendered depiction of the quiet moment when I decided to come up with this list.

My life in the world of metal has been a long one, at least it feels that way to me. Looking back on my years involved in metal, it's sometimes all a blur. I've attended lots of shows, concerts, and fests as an audience member. I booked bands, and helped my brother run his tape distro. Yes, there was a time when bands put out tapes. I saw Entombed at a strip club during their first US tour. I was part of the Wild Rags Records street team, and I was a pen pal of sorts with members from Hellwitch, Impetigo and other not-so-seminal bands. My brother and I did a radio show for many years, and played 7 minute Carcass songs so we could go to the bathroom which was roughly a mile away from the studio where we did the show from, and still get back in time to give out the call letters by the end of the hour. I played in bands, and got my double bass 36th notes to sound damn good and even. I've collected records, I've collected cassettes, and VHS tapes. I've driven long distances to see bands, and I've even waited to outside a tour bus to have an Obituary drumstick autographed. Okay, that last one still makes me cringe, but it was 1992 for god's sake! Anyway, because it's all a blur, I sometimes like to set some quiet time aside to think about it all. Just me, an Enya CD, a cup of tea, and nature. It's during these quiet moments (see image above) that I most effectively manage to reflect upon my life in the world of metal. Below is the product of my last quiet moment of reflection, a list of albums that changed my life. I've tried to be as truthful as possible in compiling this list, and as such the albums may not be as impressive or obscure as some I could have come up with. But this is the truth, here for all to read. These were albums that I encountered by chance at some point in my life. In one way or another, these recordings changed my view of music at that moment, and more often than not, sent me in a significantly different musical direction thereafter. School's in bitches. Let us begin.

1982

Kiss-Unmasked

I was a little kid when my brother and I received this album as a gift from our uncle. While many would argue that getting Unmasked as a gift is just as bad as getting smallpox infected blankets for your birthday, I have to tell you that I love this piece of garbage album to this day. In a way, I love almost anything that Kiss has done actually, best exemplified by Gene Hoglan's Balls and I singing "Hard Luck Woman" at a kareoke place just this weekend. But back to Unmasked. When I tell Kiss fans that this is my favorite Kiss album, they look at me exactly as you'd look at a retarded kid that just crapped his pants. A mix of disgust and sadness. What can I tell you, at such a young age, I had no idea that Kiss hadn't always been a disco-tinged pop disaster, but rather an awful talentless theater show. How was I to know? The album had enough songs with a harder edge to make it my favorite for many years, at least prior to my age jumping into the double digits. As a matter of fact, this was the only album that my brother and I listened to for most of our childhood. As a result of my youth, at one point I really did believe that Kiss may have actually been connected to satan, if only in a minor way. You see, my mom always told me to put my Kiss record away, (along with all my other toys) before going to bed. One day, I didn't listen to her and went to bed, leaving both the sleeve and the record sitting on the carpeted floor by my bed. In the middle of the night, I woke up to go to the bathroom, slipped on the record and hit the back of my head on the edge of my bed so hard that I nearly threw up from the pain. I remember getting a bump in the back of my head that was roughly the size of a hard boiled egg cut in half. After that day, I was always careful with the record, and kinda thought it really did have evil powers. As it turns out, the only evil power the record had, was making money for Gene and Paul for what basically amounted to third rate disco bass lines. I know, I was an idiot, but I was also like four. I loved the record, and while other kids in school were listening to silly kids music (perhaps one step up from "row, row, row your boat.."), I was listening to Kiss, and I felt like a bad-ass. This album basically set me up to continually keep looking for music that was harder, and more extreme than what the rest of the kids around me were listening to. Humble beginnings, I know, but in 1982, and this is all I had access to. About 8 years ago, my brother and I ended up at a taping of the David Letterman show. We sat right above Anton Figg, who was the session drummer for Unmasked. The whole time, I kept yelling at him to play "Torpedo Girl", which is my favorite song in the album. After the twentieth time, he kinda looked up, and shook his head. Yes, I had basically been told I was an asshole, but I had been told by the guy who laid down the groove on Torpedo Girl! So I was a happy man.




1988
Iron Maiden-Live After Death

Many years after Unmasked, my brother and I received dubbed copy of Live After Death from my sister's boyfriend. We were amazed by the whole tape. It was harder and faster than Kiss, and the cover (which we got a poster of) was way more evil! Eddie's shirt is all ripped, and the screw keeping his forehead shut was getting hit bit lighting! Holy shit! Sign me up! Soon after getting the tape, we watcged the home video version, and we were in love. I didn't speak any english then, but I could still be heard yelling out "scream for me long beach!" through the halls of my school. Can you believe that I still wonder why girls were repulsed by me? Maybe the bleached rat-tail, and the Brut Cologne didn't help, and I'm sure my wearing sweatpants constantly didn't make it any easier either. It's as though I was daring the oppostite sex to not throw up when looking at me. So, a couple of years after owning the tape, and playing it thousands of times, it became worn out. Another mishap with the TDK-60 dub of this album was that my sister's boyfriend had left the tabs in, so I mistakenly hit "record" twice while attempting to press "play" to listen to the tape. Because of this mishap, our beloved cassette had two blank spaces in crucial moments of songs. Actually, they weren't blank spaces, but spaces with ambient sound of my room back then, picked up by the small microphone in my Sony boombox. Having heard Maiden, the world of bands like Helloween, Metallica, Testament, and even Whiplash was open to my brother and me. I was like a fatty with an insasiable hunger for metal...and the pages of Metal Hammer magazine were my all-you-can-eat buffet. It was also around this time that we were introduced to some other very extreme bands, ones that bordered on grindcore, but they were small local bands that no one would know about...so I'll skip those. Moving on...






1989
Slayer-Reign In Blood, Venom-Black Metal

I count this one as one album, since it came to me as a single cassette. You see, one of our neighbors came to our house one day, asking if we'd buy one of his dubbed cassetes for five bucks or so. In retrospect, I think he wanted money to buy some wacky-tabbacky...but I'm not sure. He was older than my brother and me, and he was hella' metal. The tape he sold us was a 90 minute cassete with Reign In Blood on one side, and Black Metal on the other. While we liked Venom, it was Slayer that captured our imagination. Sadly, this was the first Slayer album I encountered. As I've stated before, South Of Heaven is my favorite...but life has a funny way of leading you down a path. Anyway, soon after hearing this tape, we got a dubbed copy of the Ultimate Revenge home video, and we were both hooked. Clearly, we didn't speak english then...otherwise we would have noticed just how insanely stupid Slayer comes off in that video. Luckily, we were clueless. Having heard Slayer, Metallica started to seem a little tame to us. We finally realized that Kiss was a disco band at one point. We were shocked. We still loved Maiden, but we knew that there were more extreme bands out there, and we had to find them. Destruction, Kreator, Cryptic Slaughter, Crumbsuckers and Bathory made sense to us after having owned this tape.



1989
Napalm Death-Peel Sessions

My friend's mom was going to England for work in 1989, and he asked my friend what he would like her to bring him back from England. Being a smart dude, he quickly called me and asked me for the names of the most extreme bands I could think of, so she could buy those tapes while in England. My brother and I compiled a list, but I don't think that Napalm Death was on it. We had heard of other early Earache bands through reviews in Metal Hammer, but I don't think we even knew about Napalm Death. I should mention that Metal Hammer back then was made up of endless articles about AC/DC, small features about Metallica, a cover story about Triumph or Uriah Heap, with small reviews of actual metal bands. To give you an idea of how behind the times we were in our beloved backwards country, the Metal Hammer issues we were buying at the supermarket for a good bit of money, were literally three years old! I'm not kidding! Imagine my shock when I found out that Cliff Burton had not only died, but they had already replaced him and were well on their way to sucking full-time! In any case, back to the story about my friend's mom.... she came back with the Peel Sessions tape from England. We heard it, and as you can expect, we were shocked. Now Slayer sounded like Bon Jovi and Def Lepard. It blew our mind, and I think it took some time for it all to sink in and make sense. Having heard this tape, the world of death metal, grindcore, punk, crossover and noise was open to us. Though some bands could be heavier, nothing seemed faster and more extreme than this recording for many years. I have to say, while many were bummed when Napalm Death released Harmony Corruption, I actually liked it...even if it sounded tame compared to Peel Sessions. It's still one of my favorite death metal albums of all time.






1991
Death-Human

Living in south-Florida during the formative years of American death metal was a great experience.Chuck Schuldiner lived in a storage space near our apartment, guys from Obituary were dating girls in my brother's high school, member of Cynic hadn't started to play in salsa bands in cruiseships...those were the days! It should come as no surprise then that I still feel that those early years of death metal were by far the greatest as far as musical output. Shortly after the Death album "Human" came out, I bought it and loved it instantly. Actually, I didn't buy it...I got this kid who I completely used for his money back then to buy it for me...but that's another story. Human was catchy and highly melodic, two qualities that were somewhat rare in other death metal bands back then. Yes, you could remember the general melodies to Deicide songs, but Death had taken it a step beyond. It reminded me of Iron Maiden, and that was a good thing. Perhaps that's why so many people grew to hate them. Another aspect of this album that blew me away was its complexity. In retrospect, the album is not THAT musically complex, but it opened my eyes to the possibilities. I know many people hate the fact that bands like Cynic or Atheist opened up Pandora's Box, and that inside that box was Fusion and Jazz...but I loved it. While Human was not as complex as some of Atheist's music or Cynic's, this album connected with me and showed me that complexity could be metal, prog could be metal...hell Jazz could be insanely enjoyable. Sadly, like many great moments in music, I believe that albums like Human, and most Swedish death metal are to blame for letting in a fair number of short haired beardos into metal. But what can you do? That's not Chuck's fault! Go blame the beardos! You gotta crack some eggs in order to make an omelet.




That's it. I guess since 1991 I've had no musical breakthrough moments in the realm of metal. That shouldn't come as a surprise to anyone who knows or understands my taste in music. I've had plenty such moments outside of metal, but I guess in my eyes, little has been done that matters in any way since 1991 within metal. Yes, I've listened to some bands after then and liked them a good bit...but I have not heard anything after Human that sent me into a different branch of the metal tree, if you will. I'm sure some of you disagree, but this is my opinion. An opinion that sounds an awful lot like the old man who is still going on and on about how The Beatles were the last great band, or the Greatful Dead fan who refuses to acknowledge the mere existence any musical output after 1972. I guess I've joined their club...and to tell you the truth, that's just fine with me.

Sacred Cow Barbecue: Some crappy dinosaur metal and other junk

I stole the title of this post from some video game magazine I was reading at Barnes & Noble the other day, I don't remember which one. In any case, if there is anything more fun than making internet metal nerds angry by pointing out how awful their favorite bands are without the aid of nostalgia-tinged, rose colored glasses, I can't think of it.

They looked cooler when they still dressed like this

Morbid Angel
Pete Sandoval may have invented "dee blass beat," but the rest of the band arguably invented generic Florida death metal. To be fair, they do have a few good songs ("Chapel of Ghouls," "Rapture," "God of Emptiness"), but everything else is the most boring, awful shit I have ever heard. I mean this band makes Deaden, Jungle Rot and Waco Jesus seem like brilliant virtuosos! To make matters worse, there are many bands that play Morbid Angel better than Morbid Angel themselves, for example Angelcorpse.

PS I have a Morbid Angel tattoo, lolz @ me.

If you guessed that this was a shot of Carcass playing a squat in Northern England, you're wrong. It's a picture of the bassist for Big Drill Car. But you see, it just as easily could have been Carcass, and that's the problem.

Carcass
Like Terrorizer, this band is worshipped by nerds everywhere. Everyone likes to establish their metal cred with that old saw, "I only like their early stuff!" and say that "Swansong" sucks. However, it is expressly forbidden to point out that even their early albums are basically just limp hard rock, watered down with the melodic parts that would become the entire basis of their style. The truth is that people who like Carcass are pussies that want to pretend they're listening to brutal grindcore but in reality are jamming what amounts to soft rock with a pitch shifter. For example, listen to "Tools of the Trade," which many nerds think is the best Carcass album. It's so full of melody and slow parts that it might as well be fucking Big Drill Car or something (Big Drill Car were way better, though). No slam riffs, dreadlocks, and pink guitars? Sounds pretty false metal to me.

Typical Japanese grindcore fan

Japanese grindcore and hardcore
If you like this destestable genre, chances are good that you wear rapist glasses, still buy vinyl, and beat off to anime snuff porn. And post on the Relapse board. People who are into this stuff also seem to be into all kinds of other creepy/dorky shit like Italian horror movies, Japanese gore movies, pro wrestling, and noise. Oh, and having Asian girlfriends/wives (Japanese is ideal, but they'll settle for any Southeast Asian broad they can lure into their web of creepiness). In general, they just won't shut up about the weird shit they're into and have no ability to detect your complete lack of interest. These losers are truly the bottom of the barrel in the already pathetic world of metal fandom.

You can blame ATG for the existence of this thing

At The Gates
The 90s were full of awful metal bands that played "melodic death metal" like this terrible band, and this decade has been full of even more awful hardcore bands that rip those bands off by playing boring tremolo riffs and screaming in their girl jeans. Also lots of them are Christian, which makes the whole phenomenon that much worse. ATG and the rest of this wretched genre is a botched attempt at combining two things that just don't belong together: melody and death metal.

Even Mr. Cool Ice laughs at Assuck fans like this guy

Assuck
I am pretty sure I've discussed how lame this band is before, but I can really never get enough of it. Assuck was very popular in the 90s with poser hardcore kids that had never heard blast beats and death metal vocals before. Much like when you were in junior high and would sell your soul to have any female human being touch your penis, regardless of how hideously ugly she might be, Assuck fans become giddy at the sound of Rob Procter's weak, gay blast beats because they just don't know any better. You can only imagine how floored they would be by, say, Benediction! And don't even get me started on the rest of this awful genre like Destroy, Resist, His Hero Is Gone, or really third-rate, bottom of the barrel bands like Reversal of Man. Most of the assholes that listened to Assuck in the 90s went on to be in indie rock bands and get Morrissey tattoos.

We're Internet Famous!

Well, not really, at least not yet, but that shitty metal magazine Decibel decided to return the favor after Sergeant D interviewed their Editor-in-Chief and the author of Choosing Death: The Improbable History of Death Metal and Grindcore, Albert Mudrian, and interview us. Of course we're not good enough for the actual magazine so they posted it on their worthless blog. You can read our witty answers to their stupid questions and check out some candid photos of your favorite Metal Inquisition staffers here.

Great moments in art history: More shitty record covers

Meliah Rage- Solitary Solitude
The cover is bad enough (I believe it depicts Phil Rind from Sacred Reich trying to force his way through an opening that is too small for his body to fit through). But the title is far worse, surpassing even Discharge-like levels of stupidity and redundancy.

---

Virus - S/T
Obviously the overall level of craft here is pretty low, which is funny enough. But let's focus specifically on his gun. I like the poorly rendered radar dish or whatever on the top. The artist couldn't even get the pokey thing centered in the saucer... and the gun in general looks like it's melting or something. Protip: use a ruler to make straight lines!

---

Psychic Possession - Toxin Diffusion
Now I'm not really sure what's going on here. The guy in the front shined his flashlight on something, and now he's all googly-eyed. Who knows what he saw. Maybe some kind of Lovecraftian horror, maybe it was just Shane Embury with his shirt off. But either way, I'm thinking he's a goner.

---

??? - Possessed
Not really sure what the name of this band is. "Assplunder" maybe? Who knows. But this guy put on his best leather pirate shirt and made a silly face for the cover of his demo. I like how he folded his arms like that kind of like how RUN-DMC used to do.

---

Pantera - Far Beyond Driven
Well first of all, let me just say that this is hands down one of my favorite albums of all time. "Strength Beyond Strength," "Slaughtered," "5 Minutes Alone"... this record just completely slays from beginning to end. It might be Pantera's finest moment. But the cover art... not so much. Vinnie Paul: "Hey, hey... guys! How about an X-ray of a skull, but it's got a fuckin' SCREW in it's head! Because that's what our riffs are like! A screw in right in your motherfuckin' head!!"

Retroview: Classic 1990s generic death metal comps

As we have discussed before, it is without a doubt that the 1990s were an incredible time for death metal. Especially if you liked an endless stream of albums full of clicky bass drums and cookie-cutter riffs topped off with Wes Benscoter and Dan Seagrave covers. And that's definitely what you got when you purchased one of the seminal death metal compilations of the 1990s. Finally, it should be noted that we are reviewing the cassette versions of all these compilations, for those of you who are gaywads that pride yourself on pointing out that Dr. And The Crippens weren't on the Japan-only double 10" flexi version of Grindcrusher or whatever. I hope you get hit by a meteor.

Please leave comments on your personal highs, lows, and WTFs for the albums, and remind us of what other generic 90s death metal comps we missed.




At Death's Door: A Collection of Brutal Death Metal
I was going to make fun of this one but after looking at the track listing again, it's actually pretty sweet and generally devoid of crap or novelty bands, especially considering it's from 1990, making it the earliest of all these comps.

Highs: Believer! I love this band so much even though they're Jesus freaks. I'd go so far as to say they might be the best thrash band of all time. Seriously. I love both their albums, especially the one that sounds exactly like Earth Crisis. Also, one of the better Deicide songs.

Lows: Malevolent Creation, yuck! I can't think of anything even slightly notable about that band. Well, except for that one song... you know... that one.

WTF: For a good 2 years or so, I thought Deicide were called "Decide." I am pretty sure I said a few times that Decide were the most brutal band ever.




Death Is Just The Beginning Vol I
The only other person at my high school that listened to death metal was this poser named Cam. He let me borrow this tape in 9th grade. It was my first introduction to Nuclear Blast, and as you might guess, I was not impressed. That shouldn't be a surprise considering this is the same label that thought people would pay money for Gorefest and Kataklysm records. If there's one thing we learned from Nuclear Blast bands, it's that Euros shouldn't be allowed to make music.

Highs: Uh... well, I actually really like one of the Righteous Pigs songs on here, which is funny because I can imagine even Wild Rags turning down their demo.

Lows: Master, Defecation, Atrocity, Disharmonic Orchestra... need I go on? Oof. Oh and don't forget Benediction! If you can make it through both sides of this tape, you're a braver man than I am.

WTF: There is someone out there on this planet who considers this the best album ever made. Think about it. There are 6 billion people on this motherfucker, one of them has to think this album tops them all. He probably also has severe head trauma.



Corporate Death
Relapse these days is a truly awful label. Not as bad as Earache I guess, but who is. They mostly put out beard metal and hardcore with not an Exit-13 record to be found, it's bullshit. But back in the early 90s, they were pretty sweet because they put out lots of awesome American death metal, such as this comp.

Highs: Suffocation "Human Waste." This completely knocked my dick in the dirt when I first heard it and began my decades-long love affair with wigger slam metal. Also, back then Relapse had the balls to put out weird shit like Candiru and Convulse, which I still like a lot. OK, that's not true, but it was still cool.

Lows: Mortician. Ugh. Disrupt, one of the worst bands ever that just wouldn't quit. General Surgery, the epitome of forgettable death metal.

WTF: At the time, I didn't really get that the whole "corporate" theme was a joke. But I knew Relapse was a huge label because they had color sleeves for their 7"s, so I wasn't surprised that they could afford the building on the cover for their headquarters.




Grindcrusher
In retrospect, most of the albums in the Earache catalog are complete garbage, although at the time they seemed like the best label ever. This is certainly no exception. For the most part this was fourth-string European bands that were deservedly unknown. However, there are a number of seminal tracks that cannot be dismissed.

Highs: Fucking CHAPEL OF GHOULS, one of the top 3 death metal songs ever written (the other 2 are "The End Complete" and "Hammer Smashed Face"). Unseen Terror, the finest Garfield-based grindcore band ever. This was the first time I heard Nocturnus!!

Lows: There are so many. Godflesh, Sore Throat, Mighty Force... but the worst is probably Cadaver. Jesus Christ that band is terrible. Nothing is worse than generic Euro 90s death metal.

WTF: When I was 14, I thought Lawnmower Deth was a really good band.

Metal Inquisition Video Vault: Napalm Death's Mick Harris. The Man. The Myth. The Trumpet Noises.

Within the world of metal, Mick Harris has always been considered to be a pioneer. Often credited with inventing the "blast beat", Mick was an integral part of Napalm Death during the band's early years.

That's one side of this man. But there is another side. The side that makes stupid trumpet noises for no reason at all, while embarrassing the hell out of his band mates. How much of this stupidity could you take? What the hell is he talking about? I left my idiot to English dictionary at home.

Notice how uncomfortable Barney seems in the first part of the video. I know he's probably thinking "Benediction was an embarrassment, but this jackass and his creepy trumpet noises really put my old band to shame." In the second part of the video poor Shane Embury is probably thinking to himself "Oh boy, he's gonna do his stupid jumping around, trumpet sound thing....I'll hold the mic for him...God how did I get to this point in my life? I was a musical pioneer, now I'm holding the mic for a spazztic douche while looking like a huge fat mushroom"

Great moments in art history: "Scum" artwork, Jeff Walker's cat

Apologies to The Deciblog for lifting their content but I couldn't resist- this is too much. Here is an image they posted of Jeff Walker's cat in front of the original drawing for the cover of "Scum."

Read more at The Deciblog

Anal Blast - Masters of Subtlety, R.I.P.

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but earlier today I was informed that legendary white trash misogynist death/grinders Anal Blast will be embarking on their final tour in the coming week. I know, it hurts. I can barely hold back the tears as I type this, but the world of metal is sometimes capable of bringing us as much sadness as it brings us joy. What will the world be like without the twisted minds that brought us Vaginal Vempire and Battered Bleeding Bitch? Well, it'll probably stay much the same, but I'm sure at least a couple of people will be bummed out.

Apparently Anal Blast is embarking on their final tour because vocalist and mastermind Don "Lord Stomache" Decker is dying from liver failure. Sad news, indeed. We here at Metal Inquisition would like to send Don our best wishes. If we had an extra liver to give, I couldn't think of a more deserving person to give it to than Don. So be sure to show Don and the rest of the Anal Blast boys your support by going out and seeing them on this final tour. The dates are posted on their MySpace page. Check out this killer tour poster:



And don't forget to pick up their "Spraying Blood" live DVD that will only be available on their final tour!



You didn't really expect subtlety from a group of guys that look like this, did you?



I didn't think so.

Candlemass: Lordy lordy, look who's forty

You have to hand it to Candlemass. As you can see from this image, they are clearly old enough to get the 15% discount on the salad bar at Rax, but they're not calling it a day. That's the kind of dedication that you just don't see from these new bands like Pantera or Type O Negative.

I mean a lot of guys would just wear jeans on stage once they had to go to an XXXL robe, but not Candlemass. Most guys would get a straight job after spending two decades on the road playing to 200 people a night for a few dollars- but not Candlemass. A lot of people would have a hard time playing second fiddle to a frontman that looks like a cross between Jack Black and Shane Embury. But not Candlemass!

Candlemass is in it for the long haul, and you can count on them to stick with it- for themselves, for the fans, and for the spirit of funeral doom!

Superbowl Sunday, Metal Line-Up

In honor of Superbowl Sunday, Metal Inquisition researchers have chosen the following metal personalities as being the most likely members of team metal's starting line-up.

Dino Cazares









Gene Hoglan









Kam Lee









Vinnie Paul






Kerry King













This fat, angry black metal fan








Shane Embury, who looks just like Hurley from the TV show Lost







Pretty much anyone in Crowbar









Billy Milano









Messiah Marcolin








Honorary mention goes out to the entire line-up of Ohio's Drogheda, circa 1995.

Crowbar: Heaviest band ever?

Seriously I'd hate to be the safety inspector at any of the ratty clubs these guys played in the 90s, I'd have to imagine even the sturdiest stage buckling under their immense bulk... the singer looks like a bull walrus, bloated after gorging himself on fatty sardines all winter. They're so massive their guitars look like those inflatable toy ones you'd get from a machine at the county fair.

I can't imagine they made a whole lot of money, so they probably had some lean nights on tour. That's when I'd be scared to be the drummer, the only skinny guy in the band. I'm picturing them on tour in Nebraska in the dead of winter, the tour bus driving down the cold road, no food in sight. The singer and bassist turn to look a the drummer, and he turns into a big steak like in an old Bugs Bunny cartoon, saliva dripping from the corners of their gargantuan mouths.

But seriously folks... I fucking love Crowbar.

Being A Grossly Overweight Singer In A Terrible Band Is Not Just For Billy Milano Anymore

I wonder if the day that ex-Candlemass singer Messiah Marcolin was born, his mom held him in her arms and thought to herself:

"Oh, one day he'll be a huge tub of lard that will sing in a terrible doom metal band. He will be dressed in a monk's outfit, and the highlight of his life will be to be featured in a Hard N' Heavy video compilation"

By the way, if you're up for the job, Candlemass is looking to replace Messiah with a new singer. Details about the position can be found here.

You are bewiiiiiiiiiitched

1. Clearly they did not find their singer by placing a classified ad that specified "pro gear and looks."

2. "My fingers they dance upon the strings like fiiire."

3. I bet if you showed this to a 19-year old kid these days he would think it was a Tenacious D bit.

4. The singer gets his hair cut by the same guy as Shane Embury.