Introducing SLAMBURGLARS

I imagine the dudes in The Vandals tripped the fuck out when they heard Vin Diesel make an "Anarchyburger" joke in "XXX," because I think you naturally assume nobody other than your mom pays any attention to what you do. Our moms don't read this blog, so you can imagine my surprise when I discovered that not only was there a kid with a blog in England who is obviously a Sergeant D fan, and that I see crunkcore/BrokeNCYDE references in metal magazines/blogs all the time now. I also noticed that Last.fm's "wigger slam" tag had 40 users who made some nice additions to the description and genre artists.

One of these artists was a new band called Slamburglars. With song titles like "Straight Up Thuggin' (With Winds Of Plague And That Faggot From Waking The Cadaver)," "Get Crunk!!! Feat. Lil' Jon ," and "Behead Those Who Insult Slam (Metal Inquisition Don't Know Shit About Tha Wigga Slam)," clearly they have also read Metal Inquisition once or twice. Imitation being the sincerest form of flattery, I was sincerely flattered and figured we should interview them.

I left the spelling mistakes in his email intact to underscore the fact that he seems to be at least somewhat of an authentic wigger.

You are in a a joke wigger slam band, Slamburglars. Please tell us give us more details about how this "band" came to be, who is in it, etc. How does it compare to the world's original joke wigger slam band, New Yorkment? How about Frogkill?
We're a silly slam from Boston, MA. We consist of John Lucci (Crunkmeister 3000) on guttural exhales and gravity bong inhales, Connor Dunbar (Wiggerific Wiggerment) droppin 808 bass harder than bombs on Hiroshima, and Kyle Hagan (Slamboyant Goremasexual) on the six strings of steel and five knuckles of brass. I (John) have been into slam for a couple years, and I have appreciated New Yorkment’s comedic approach to making fun of the wiggers that have infested slam death metal. I am also pumped about the Frogkill dude’s new project, Impulsive Evisceration because his shits quality. Basicially, one night we got hella blazed and hella crunk and saw Composted live. After their set we changed our pants, went home, recorded a demo (The Carnivorous Butterflies Demo), then recorded an album (Hallucinogenic Hymns For The Morbidly Obese) the next weekend, and an ep (Decemberment) a month later. And then came the monstrosity that is… Cookie Monstrosity.

The production on your "album" is so atrocious that it would make 7 Minutes of Nausea weep with despair. In an era where you can get free software and dirt cheap hardware, what is your excuse? Don't you think the joke would have been funnier if the songs were actually listenable?
You see, if you want music that is actually funny and quality, listen to Composted. They are fucking hilarious and amazing musicians. If you want to piss off your grandpa and kill small rodents, blast The Slamburglars. We use the fucking horrendous sound quality to cover up the fact that we’re the 3 most untalented musicians on earth. And apparently we can’t hide it. Every day a different person posts “Worst band I have ever heard,” on our last.fm page. And one of our Japanese compadres, probably that dude from the Guttural Slamming Brutality Crew, said “Shitty faggotest on the last.fm. This Shit After hearing Brokencyde, Brokencyde looks to God.” I personally love brokenCYDE, so that might have been the greatest compliment I’ve ever gotten. But no matter how hard we try, we can never be as horrendous as Waking The Cadaver.

Nice to see that only 2 of the top 8 artists in the genre aren't jokes!

At first I thought you guys were probably teenage metalcore nerds because you referenced Bring Me the Horizon, Winds of Plague, Lil Jon/Brokencyde, and other things that old people usually don't know about (where "old" is defined as 25+). But when I can actually hear the music, it sounds like you have some pretty decent slam/goregrind riffing going on so now I'm not sure. Can you tell me a little more about who you guys are? If you want to be "in character" and answer with a bunch of wiggerish nonsense, you can, but it won't be all that funny so I'd rather you didn't.
Well that’s really not us in character. All three of us are straight up blunt passin’, 40-drinkin’ wiggers. I think it’s impossible to be as unintelligent as we pretend to be, but we honestly like hip-hop as much as slam death, just like John Gallagher. If you look at music as just music, I don’t mind some brutal deathcore, and there’s a lot of shitty slam like the Slamburglars, but honestly, listen to the slam in “Blindfold Surgery” by Abominable Putridity and you will realize that there is nothing heavier than a straight up slam. We love that shit, and this band is a failed attempt at ripping-off/bringing that brutality, while throwing some lulz in there. The sole purpose of this band is pretty much for me to start fights over myspace.

"shitty faggotest on the last.fm. This Shit After hearing Brokencyde, Brokencyde looks to God."

There are many regional styles of wigger slam: Texas, Russia, New York, Japan, etc. Which one is the most inspirational to you and why?
EAST COAST SLAM, FO LIFE. In the local New England area we have some quality slam bands. Parasitic Extirpation, Dysentery, Composted, Eternal Suffering (whom I stole “East Coast Slam” from), that crew. But the United States puts out some of the shittiest slam out there. Honestly… Christian Slam? The Slamming Goregroove of Drowining In Phemaldehyde and Guttural Engorgement blew, but now Mark Lawls has to spoil our scene with Empty Tomb, his new Christian Slam band. Fuck Christianity. Fuck Open Mindedness. You want some quality slam? Go to the Czech Republic or Russia. I guess being formerly dominated by authoritarian Communism gets you wicked pissed, and when you’re wicked pissed you make brutal fucking slam.

One of your songs is entitled "Behead Those Who Insult Slam (Metal Inquisition Don't Know Shit About Tha Wigga Slam)." Can you tell me what this song is about? What made you think it would be funny to call it "wigga" slam?
That was just to piss off Sergeant D. That mofo actuially knows his shit, but anyone who confuses deathcore and wigger slam don’t know shit about tha wigga slam. And replacing “er” with “a” is a common practice in Ebonics, so I chose to embrace my full wiggerificness and exploit African-American culture, as all good wiggers do.

The REAL Big Chocolate

As the first band to put a bass drop into a slam riff (on "Pierced From Within"), Suffocation could arguably be credited as the inventors of wigger slam. Yet they also have brothers in the band. What do you make of this?
Suffocation and Composted are the only wigger slam bands that I know that are actually partially comprised of brothers. Is slam the new hippity-hoppity trend? Only time will tell…

Suicide Silence get butthurt about being called deathcore, I wonder how stangry they would be about being tagged "wigger slam"?

The guys over at Metal Sucks are old and out of touch. They don't see the difference between deathcore and wigger slam. I'm sure you'll agree that, say, Suicide Silence and Infernal Revulsion couldn't be more different, so can you explain it to them here, just so they know?
I could write a fucking book about this topic. Deathcore is death metal influenced metalcore. Metalcore fans are sissies (obviously) therefore deathcore fans are sissies. Wigger Slam is wigger influenced Slam Death Metal. Wiggers are sissies (obviously) but they steal parts of African-American culture in an attempt to hide that fact. They must not know shit about music. Deathcore is centered around “breakdowns”, which are generally mono-tone staccato patterns of sixteenth notes, showing rhythmic variation contrary to melodic variation. Wigger Slam is centered around “slams”, which are simplified breakdowns which usually consist of a combination of quarter notes and eighth notes and usually only utilize the first 4 frets of the guitar. Old-school style slams, such as those of Dying Fetus, Soils of Fate, and Internal Bleeding, often have melody and sometimes are in major keys. If you still don’t get it, then you should just go join Waking The Cadaver.

I am sure no girls read this blog, much less any scene girls. But if you a scene girl and you happen to read this, please email me and include a) n00dz and b) contact information.

On that note, you also have a song called "Deathcore Megawhore." Who is this about, and how can I contact her? Please tell me it is the girl who models the Winds of Plague booty shorts!
I fap to that picture daily. I wish that our band was famous enough to have eyecandy… I mean a “keyboardist” like Kristen Randall. Oh the things that I would do to her… But yeah, that songs about some bitch I hooked up with who liked Bring Me The Horizon but couldn’t get into Down From The Wound.

You guys are apparently avid readers of Metal Inquisition. What are some of your favorite posts, and why? (This is the part where you stroke our egos)
I would stoke more than just Sergeant D’s ego.

That's all I have, is there anything you would like to add? Thanks!
Yo homie, could you add in this html code down the bottom? Thanks.

Download The New Slamburglars Album "Cookie Monstrosity"

Alternate Download Link

Metal Inquisition guest appearances on X Stuck In The Past X and Hipster Runoff

Metal Inquisition made two appearances on the internets over the weekend. We are thrilled to be part of two of the finest blogs on the planet and contribute to the blogosphere/memescape. One thing I did not think about was the non-compete clause in our contract with Red Flag Media, the parent corporation that owns Metal Inquisition and Decibel. I am a little scared that we will be receiving a threatening phone call from their legal counsel, but oh well... what's done is done, fuck it!

I am Carles. I am a tatbro. I work in a conservative office environment.
Hipster Runoff makes me giggle like a schoolgirl and it is fair to say that HRO is my biggest influence as a writer/blogger/personal brand. If you are an HRO fan you probably noticed that I stole his idea for "Bands To Watch" when I wrote about Corn and Biohazard, and it is likely that I will steal more ideas from HRO in the future. Needless to say, I was beyond thrilled to see my photo on HRO in this post:

Do u think that I can get sued 4 ‘discrimination’ if the IAMCARLES brand doesn’t provide long sleeve products for ‘bros with tat sleeves who need to work in conservative office environments?

Worried abt my brand–might not be ‘universal’ enough.

http://www.iamcarles.com

Read more at Hipster Runoff

***


All she wants to do is mosh
One of my other favorite blogs is X Stuck In The Past X, which is about the strange and wonderful world of 90s hardcore. We were honored to contribute a guest post in which we shared 5 Things I Miss About 90s Hardcore. For example:

2. Backpacks, JNCOs, sweater vests, and other fashion disasters
Sometimes you don't realize how absurd something is until you try to articulate it. For example, a while ago I was trying to explain 90s hardcore fashion to this 23 year-old hipster girl I was dating and the ridiculousness of it all hit me harder than the xbreakdownsx on the Green Rage 7". She listens to electro and Animal Collective so it was a bit hard for her to grasp: "I don't get it," she said, "Why did you guys wear Tommy Hilfiger? I thought you were like punk or whatever. My dad wears that stuff." I did not have a good answer for her, nor could I explain why Kurt Catalyst wore a backpack while onstage singing for Birthright (Catalyst records deserves a while thread of its own; that label's quality control practices are so atrocious it makes Back Ta Basics look like Rick Rubin's hit factory).

Read more at X Stuck In The Past X

Metal Inquisition invades Metal Injection's Tr00 and False

We are happy to announce a new weekly addition to Metal Inquisition's output. We have taken over Metal Injection's weekly Tr00 & False column, in which we review the week in metal and tell you which way is up. Please point your browser to Metal Injection and worship at our feet.

Click here for Tr00 & False

Follow us on Twitter
On a related note, if you are not following us on Twitter, please throw yourself on a sword. Failing that, just sign up for Twitter and start reading our hilarious tweets!

Click here for Metal Inquisition on Twitter

Metal Inquisition Mailbag Vol 2: Happy Halloween!

ENTER THE DROIDS
Asa E sends us a link to an incredible interview he did with none other than Mike Browning of Nocturnus. There are some real gems in here:

How difficult was singing and drumming simultaneously, initially? Whenever singing/playing an instrument, rhythmic consistency is a given, but drums seem to be a very cardiovascularly demanding instrument.
Well I have been doing it so long it’s just kind of natural now for me, but using a headphone mic actually makes it a lot easier. Once I really get a good memorization of the lyrics to where I don’t have to think about what I am singing, then I can really get into just becoming the song instead of playing it!

Very subtle, Asa!! You coaxed him into talking about the headphone microphone without tipping him off to the fact that you were making fun of him. It's always a tough balance, and you pulled it off like a pro! I don't want to spoil it, but this is one of the best interviews I've read in ages! It touches on Metal Gear, the cover of The Key, chanting spells from the Necronomicon, and all kinds of great stuff. Asa, can't wait to see more!!

Read it here

Which crappy state sucks more?
Pat writes:
As a survivor of the tri-state area's hardcore and metal scenes, I was thinking you guys could do a post posing the question "Which is more metal, Long Island or New Jersey? Could be an epic debate.
The fact that Danzig's from Lodi, NJ may be the decider.

The Inquisitors respond: Who is really to say? Both are wretched dumps in which the resident fall into one of two categories: scary poor people or annoying middle-class/rich people who think they know everything. NJ gave us Ripping Corpse, Dim Mak, Mortal Decay, Revenant and Bloodfeast, but LI brought the world Morpheus Descends, Suffocation, Internal Bleeding, and Pyrexia.

From the Old Memes department
Constanza 76 write:
The images of pure evil that consumed my soul when i visited this website will no doubt give the M.I. staffers more than enough post material.

Are you guys ever worried that these shadow worshipers you make fun of almost daily will finally take action, unite, and assault the M.I. compound. Will seargant d and the S.O.D be enough to defeat these unholy legions.

RateMyCorpsepaint.com

The Inquisitors respond:
As we discussed in our last mailbag, making fun of corpsepaint is pretty much played out, but maybe this take on the subject will be novel enough to amuse. We leave it to you, the reader, to decide if we are guilty of the same stereotype that we seek to lampoon.*

* Ultramega giant holocaust nerd points to anyone who can identify this reference

Why is Shane Embury chasing Richard Marx?

They also invented homos
Matthew writes:
Dear Metal Inquisition,

Would like to bring to the attention of the MI the following two Greek metal bands who currently ply their craft primarily through myspace:

http://www.myspace.com/convixionband
http://www.myspace.com/strikelight
http://www.myspace.com/crucifiergreece

You will note, when perusing their profiles, the widespread use of Engrish. You will also note that it is in fact currently 1987 in sunny Greece. The intention behind the image the bands are attempting to put across is devoid of all irony.

The Inquisitors respond:
Yikes, you're not kidding about the Engrish or the time warp! Here are a couple of highlights from Crucifier:

No, it's not an outtake from a Gothic Slam photo shoot, they're Greeks. The guy on the left even has little saddlebags like every Greek woman over 28.

Sounds Like FAST AGGRESSIVE INSANE ANGRY RAMPAGEOUS VIOLENT CUTTHROATING
"FUCK YOU POSERS THRASH WILL GET YOUR HEAD!"

Now, I could spend the rest of this post making fun of these awful bands, but you can do that on your own: they're fat, ugly dipshits that can't speak English, blah blah blah. Instead, I will take advantage of our international readership and make fun of Greeks- because there is plenty to make fun of! First of all, they love complaining about pretty much anything and everything. I am really not clear on what they actually do enjoy, aside from having strong opinions and voicing them very loudly while they gesticulate aggressively. Oh, they also like to point out that Turkish coffee "is really Greek coffee." Which brings me to the other thing they like, which is explaining how awful Turks, Albanians, and Romanians are. I'm sure they are indeed awful, but it's just sort of funny in the same way as it would be funny to hear someone in a Crazy Town shirt tell you that Papa Roach is a terrible band.

WTF
Megaforce Records writes:

Mushroomhead have new DVD out Oct. 28. Can you post the new video "Save Us" link? Great for Halloween:

Best,

Zarna & Robert

Megaforce Records

212-741-8861

The Inquisitors respond:
I am only posting this because Bobby Blitz told me that Johnny Z was cool! Seriously, how can you get up in the morning and look yourself in the mirror knowing that you have to go to work and peddle Mushroomhead records?! I saw this awful band in 1996 and never in a million years did I think they would still exist in 2008- and if I did, I would certainly have used my Nocturnus time machine to destroy them!! I mean, I like a lot of shitty shit (for example, Limp Bizkit, Evanescence and Crazy Town), but even I have to draw the line somewhere, and this is where I draw it. If you need anymore favors, you're going to have to have Johnny Z call me personally!!

Hipsters would probably buy them

Rick Bell writes:
As none of you most likely know, in my spare time I'm occasionally an unsuccessful inventor. I'm the Homer Simpson variety inventor, for every halfway decent idea I've come up with there are a hundred that are really, really crappy. But I think I'm onto something here. Not since Clip-On 3-D Glasses (making 3-D movies easier on those who wear glasses, of course) have I come up with something this ingenious. The Death Metal Fanny Pack - For The Indiscriminate Metal Fan On The Go:

Nergal from Behemoth thinks they're cool! (Nergal? Wasn't that Garfield's arch nemesis in the hit comic strip Garfield?)

The Inquisitors respond:
Well done, Rick! I'm mildly amused! The only problem is, I am nearly certain that Blue Grape already made these back in the 90s. Remember how you could buy Sepultura "jams" and Sacred Reich hockey jerseys?

Until next time...
We have another 100 or so emails in the inbox, and maybe only 90% of them are press releases about Mushroomhead. What do you think? Is the mailbag entertaining, or no? Should we try to answer all of them, or only post the best ones?

Wanderlust: Metal Edition (China)

In this edition of Wanderlust: Metal Edition, MI staff take you down the mountains from Nepal and into China. You could say that this post is in honor of the Olympics, although who really gives two shits about those sports. It is pretty absurd people actually care about them. I have no idea why I am even commenting on it. On to the learning...




This is the first stop on our little journey down the silk road. From the comments I believe this band is called Continue and at first you are thinking that they could rock. You get kind of stoked on seeing a little girl belting out some brutal grunts. Turns out this is their gimmick. This isn’t death metal, I could almost imagine seeing this band play with Ringworm or Day of Suffering more so than Obituary or Malevolent Creation. Sure the guitarist can belt out a little solo, but he seems to have forgotten how to riff and structure a song.




Here we go again. Dear god why does this keep happening. Another girl and another band with a few riffs. All credit to them for adding more than a few breakdowns with a solo. Fine. You get credit. But you are still bad dudes. The second song is better, but I didn’t care to watch the whole thing. Purgatory is less of a band and more of a way of life I guess. Easy joke, I know.




Ok, another band and another girl singer, although there is some debate as to whether or not this is Purgatory I guess. Who cares. It starts out good enough, but once again it takes a big shit in your mouth. I like to think it looks like they are playing in that club from Wayne’s World. You know the one. The GasWorks I think it was called, but there is no Tia Carrera here. You know what else? The guitarist can solo...and he wants to show you that.




I feel the same way so far on this trip as I do when thinking about Christian death metal. Where the music just isn’t right enough and it is labeled as being true to form but it just sounds like a poor imitation. I think this band could be Hatebreed or something. Meh. Could they not learn about metal on the internet? Don't they have the web in China? Even Necrovore has a Myspace page.




Not so bad. I am not a huge fan of black metal, but at least they sound like something. It is kind of like Dummy Burger. The even have a dumb name. “Raping Corpse to Sacrifice the Moon” sounds like a direct translation and is sadly less kvlt and more evil emo or something.




So this band has nothing to do with China. I just thought the name was funny (Chaos in China) and appreciate the backyard birthday jam session they have going on here. You know the dad filmed this at the request of mom because she thought it was cute. He hated it but thought he could try out his new camera to see how close he could match the style of filming he saw on Austin City Limits. Mom was so proud. The kids were stoked because they were getting the people stoked. Soon afterwards they all left Metallica behind and became trapped in dead end jobs. Kind of like how Metallica ended up.

Great moments in art history: "Scum" artwork, Jeff Walker's cat

Apologies to The Deciblog for lifting their content but I couldn't resist- this is too much. Here is an image they posted of Jeff Walker's cat in front of the original drawing for the cover of "Scum."

Read more at The Deciblog

Wikipedia fascists deleted my entry on WIGGER SLAM METAL

I've always been interested in giving back to the community, so I thought I would help out the scene by adding some information on wigger slam metal to the Wikipedia entry on death metal. Little did I know that they're a bunch of fucking fascists that want to silence the people, and those fags deleted my work mere minutes after I created it! Well like Mike Muir says, "you can put a bullet in my head, but you can't kill a word i've said. VIVA LA REVOLUTION!"

With that in mind, here is the content THEY DIDN'T WANT YOU TO READ!! Don't let them win- add this back to their bullshit excuse for a death metal page!

===Wigger Slam Metal===A popular sub-genre of Slam death metal known as [[Wigger]] Slam Metal has sprung up over the past half-decade, spearheaded by artists such as [[Dying Fetus]] and Long Island's [[Internal Bleeding (band)Internal Bleeding]], and more recently their Scandanvian counterparts [[Soils of Fate]] (although some historians classify Internal Bleeding as Guido Slam Metal). While not part of the classic Wigger Slam Metal canon, Mortician vocalist Will Rahmer's tough-guy attitude and demeanor must surely be included in the list of historical antecedents for Wigger Slam Metal. Wigger Slam Metal is defined by its hip-hop influences, which generally manifest themselves in lyrics rife with gang, crime, and urban imagery not unlike the lyrics of bands like Biohazard or 25 Ta Life. Wigger Slam Metal bands often incorporate samples from films like Goodfellas or Scarface. Specific musical elements include TR-808 bass drops and syncopated drumming reminiscent of funk or rap beats.The origins of Wigger Slam are unclear, although most scholars believe that the first known crossover between hip-hop and death metal is in the liner notes of "World Downfall" by [[Terrorizer]], in which the band thanks "E.Z.E." and "N.W.A."