Podcast: Episode 002

SkullKrusher, Gene Hoglan's Balls and ChristButcher are your hosts, once again, in this fucked-up 1 hour journey. We explore the rest of our 'top-10 most influential records of our teens' list and ask ourselves: who is the bigger poser, if we were judged by our teenager selves.

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Retroview: Revenant

A couple months ago the Sarg forgot about neon t-shirts, scene haircuts, and emo crunk long enough to give a stirring tribute to New Jersey Death Metal legends Ripping Corpse. Today, I'd like to focus your attention on another equally underappreciated Garden State Death Metal band--Revenant. Revenant was formed back in 1986 in beautiful Bergenfield, New Jersey. They released three cassette demos and a 7" single throughout the late 80s (I've never heard any of them, but they're probably awesome. If you have mp3s of them, you should send them to me) and actually played their first show with Metal Inquisition favorites Mucky Pup! Just Like their Jersey bros in Ripping Corpse, Revenant released their only full length album in 1991 and they've never received the praise and respect they deserve.

Remember back when bands looked this awesome?

Prophecies of a Dying World--is one of the best death metal albums ever released, period! None of that overproduced, super technical, hyperfast modern death metal bullshit. Revenant is 100% old school death metal. Thick, thrashy riffs, jackhammer drumming, and nasty as fuck vocals. The production is perfect--heavy, but still clear enough to make out every cymbal hit. Think early Death, but heavier and more epic. The songs tend to be on the longer side for death metal with the shortest song coming in at just under 5 minutes and the longest one approaching the 8 minute mark. This would spell certain doom for most death metal bands, but Revenant never runs out of steam or ideas. They just continue to bring it with riff after awesome riff amounting to almost an hour long pummeling. If you're a fan of Ripping Corpse, old Immolation, and the like you'll lose your shit when you hear this album. I promise.

I bet this show was sick!

Unfortunately like Ripping Corpse, cover art was not Revenant's strong suit. Though it's not nearly as bad as the cover of Dreaming With the Dead, it's still pretty lame. I understand that Revenant was trying to convey an image of the titular dying world, but a photograph of a barren landscape with orange clouds and a pile of branches in the foreground just doesn't do this album justice. If you're going to go with a landscape you might as well use a Georgia O'Keeffe.

A foolproof way to piss off your neighbors!

Shortly after the release of Prophecies of a Dying World, Revenant parted ways with Nuclear Blast Records. They went on to release another 7" single as well as another demo, and in 1995 they completed their final recording--the Overman EP, which wasn't released until 2002. So as shitty bands like Cannibal Corpse and At the Gates rose to prominence in the death metal scene Revenant faded into obscurity. There's no justice in this word, just Metal Inquisition.

While touring Europe in support of Prophecies of a Dying World, Revenant shot a video for "The Unearthly." It was premiered on Headbanger's Ball in the spring of '92 and featured on the first Death...Is Just the Beginning compilation.

And here's a bonus live video of Revenant performing their hit song "The Unearthly."

Metal Archeology: What my bedroom looked like in 1991

For most of my life growing up, my brother and I shared a room. This was great for many reasons, but the most important was our ability to share resources, thus allowing us to have a killer poster collection. Rummaging through old pictures the other day I found the shot you see above. This picture was taken in the room that my brother and I shared back in 1991, and is a fair representation of where we were musically at the time. While the picture does not show the poster collection at its peak (barely its infancy really) it still shows what I was into then, mor or less. Before you judge me though, please give me a chance to explain some of the items you see on the wall. To give you an idea of where things stood back then, allow me to tell you the following about when this picture was taken, 1991:


- Beverly Hills 90210 was just starting its second season
- Slayer's Decade Of Aggression had not come out yet
- Metallica's Black Album was only about a month old
- Entombed had just released Clandestine
- Anthrax had just stopped wearing shorts
- The Soviet Union had just broken up
- Napalm Death had just released Harmony Corruption
- Pantera was still touring for Cowboys From Hell
- Morbid Angel had just released Blessed Are The Sick
- More than three people in the United States still knew who Arsenio Hall was
- Death's Human had just come out

Now that you have a better picture of where things stood back then, feel free to read on.




1. If you were as awesome as I was growing up, you probably had sweet posters of cars in your room. Although not as cool as the Lamborghini or Ferrari posters I had, this Porsche 911 one was still pretty rad.

2. By 1991, I knew Metallica was dying. The black album had just come out, stunk up the place, and yet I had trouble letting go. I thought Sad But True was an okay song...but disliked the whole thing right away. I hated Kirk's mustache, Lars rolling up the sleeves on his tshirts, and James' mullet. I also hated kids who I hated in school suddenly wearing Metallica shirts. It was around this time that I knowingly had a severe kneejerk reaction against popular metal bands in big labels. I took great pride in listening to faster, heavier music on smaller lables. I was young, and thus got a great kick out of naming bands no one had ever heard of. "Oh, you don't know about Dorsal Atlantica? Let me fill you in" I would say to random kids who could not have cared less. I believe that the reason for this huge poster hanging on the wall is that it was so rare that I could get my hands on a proper poster, rather than simple pages torn out of magazines. With Metallica's rise in stardom, came their rise in availability...suddenly kids like me were left to hang Metallica posters that they could get for free in record stores like Miami's then famed Y&T Records. That store was a godsend. You could go there, and easily walk out with crazy black metal 7"s, Morbid Angel demo tapes..it was great. I guess I was still trying to remember the Metallica I knew from years prior.

3. Slayer Live Undead poster, purchased from a street vendor in South America. All the small posters that my brother and I bought from this guy were laminated, as though you'd want to use them as placemats while you ate your breakfast.

4. Print ad for the Michigan Death Fest in 1990. The line-up for the fest was pretty rad and included Morbid Angel AND Morbid Saint, Sacrifice and Nuclear Death I think. If I remember correctly, two members of Morbid Saint can be seen wearing shirts for this fest on one of their records.

5. Ugh, another Metallica picture. Again, I remember listening to much more Entombed and Obituary back then...but I guess the Metallica pictures lingered on for a bit.

6. My cool Misfits shirt, which I made in Mr Delpino's art class. I also made the Morbid Angel shirt which I posted about before, and a D.R.I. shirt. Mr Delpino was a drunk. For some reason he would not allow us to screen with white ink of black shirts, so all the shirts had to be white.

7. Sepultura picture, probably from Metal Maniacs. How amazing did Beneath The Remains seem back then? Who knew that the Cavalera brothers would loose their damn mind, start wearing camo and have their brains taken over by nu-metal? Had you told me back then that Andreas would end up playing on tour with Scorpions, I would have challenged you to a fight...right then and there.

8. Another Slayer poster from the street vendor. This one is a stupid illustration of a skull which I have only seen in other semi-official Slayer items.

9. Jason Newsted, I really don't know why this was hanging on the wall. I don't mean to be apologetic, but my brother and I were seriously getting out of Metallica at that time...I don't get it. I guess we still wanted to hang on to the good memories...or perhaps my mom had warned us about damaging the drywall by ripping stuff off and on repeatedly. This, by the way, is possible. We were renting that apartment.

10. Nuclear Assault, not much to say here. How I slept in a room that had a picture of Dan Lilker's down syndrome face I'll never know.



11. Barney from Napalm Death. I remember this picture perfectly, because he was wearing a white t-shirt tucked into blue gym shorts. How metal. I remember Metal Maniacs making fun of him for his bleached hair back then.

12. Cliff Burton. Again, not much to say. Like so many other kids, I first checked out The Misfits because Cliff Burton always wore their shirts. I figured they had to be the most obscure, heaviest, fastest metal band. Imagine my surprise when I bought a Misfits tape and heard something that resembled Elvis over melodic-ish punk. I was outraged! It took me a little while to listen to it again, and start actually enjoying them.

13. Morgoth. Due to living in Florida, death metal was everywhere. Morgoth, Unleashed, Entombed, Dismember and all the local bands were all the rage. I remember loving Morgoth back then. Today, I don't think I could name a single Morgoth song, or that I could easily identify their music. Maybe I should brush up.

14. Danzig. Sweet picture of Glenn on a throne with the band surrounding him. How on earth did Chuck Biscuits stomach posing for these solemn pictures when he played for Descendents, Black Flag, and DOA?

15. Anthrax "Indians" postcard.

16. Anthrax poster, probably hanging there as a result of being a huge, legit poster that we got for free, more than likely from Y&T Records near the University of Miami campus. That store was nuts back then. Some dude named Mike ordered all the metal stuff for the store, and he also did a zine which they sold there. The selection of records was crazy, and they even had a demo tape section. Imagine going into a store, and having about thirty demos to choose from...all from tiny bands from the Ukraine, all for under four bucks. Today, it's meaningless to me..but back then, I was in heaven.

17. Picture of the dude from Believer. We liked Believer, but probably not enough to have their picture up. I don't fully get why it was up. Maybe we just liked the picture? Their second album that sounds just like Earth Crisis (or the other way around) had not come out yet. Just so everyone knows, yes...I know why the album sounds like Earth Crisis. I'm not an idiot.

17. Sorry, I screwed up the numbering and don't want to go back and fix it. This one is a picture of Phil from Sacred Reich. For my brother's birthday only months after this picture was taken, I bought him a Sacred Reich t-shirt. He wore it to school that day, and on his way back home was in a bad car accident. He got blood all over the new shirt.

19. Gary from Exodus, wearing awful Harley Davidson suspenders. How could we NOT have something up from the band that wrote Toxic Waltz? Come on now.

20. Again, I don't remember being too into Pantera by the time this picture was taken...but perhaps we just thought the picture of Phil getting the stupid sides of his head shaved was rad? I really loved Cowboys From Hell when it first came out, played it all the time. By the time this picture was taken though, I was jamming to lots of death metal and Pantera seemed weak to me. But back to that time in their history, the rise in popularity that Pantera had after Cowboys From Hell came out was really amazing. I never paid much attention to subsequent albums...but those two years were nuts. They went from putting out what was their first album, at least to most people, to playing arenas in no time. Impressive.

21. Perfect example of something hanging up just because it looked kinda cool, was better than a page out of a magazine, and was big. While we like the Gammacide LP (one of Wild Rags' finest) I'm pretty sure we just put up the poster because it was big and free, since it came with the record. It was around this time that we started to get more and more into smaller bands, and ordering demos through the mail. Perhaps Wild Rags was pushing us in that direction?

22. Flier for a band's demo, the name of the band was Sarcophagus. Based on the logo, I think they are this early black/death metal band. Not sure where the flier came from.

23. A picture I cut out of some magazine that featured two old people checking out some punk dude in a mowhawk. Your guess as to why we put this is up is as good as mine. I had records and tapes by Agnostic Front, Cro-Mags and The Exploited then, but I wouldn't really get into punk until later.



24. D.R.I. spread that actually came from RIP Magazine. The title of the article was "Mayhem In Mexico City" and was about a huge show they played there at some wrestling arena. The fact that I still remember this is weird. The pictures in that article were awesome, and I looked at them for hours upon hours.

25. This is perhaps the only thing I'm unsure about. I believe it's Unleashed. Pretty sure it is. I liked them back then, but my brother was the one that was way, way into them.

26. Chuck Schuldiner. "Human" had just come out and it was one of my favorite albums. I didn't know this at the time, but Chuck lived in a storage space not far from where this picture was taken.

27. Metallica postcard featuring Pushead artwork for And Justice For All, and a picture from Garage Days.

28. Obituary. Weird picture because Trevor was playing a BC Rich Warlock.

29. Diamond Darrell. Sorry, I refuse to call him "Dimebag", that all started after I stopped liking them. I know I sound like a douche for saying that, but it's true. It's like if your friend Steve goes off to college, graduates and then you visit him at his new job. You walk in, and the receptionist says "Oh are you Stephen The Third's friend?" You'd be like "Who, do you mean Steve?"

30. Another damn Metallica poster?

31. The most recent Megadeth album was Rust In Piece. One part of me hated them because of their commercial appeal, but something in me also had to acknowledge the riff mania that was that album.




Your feedback is appreciated

So, what about our readers? What hung on your walls back in 1991? Are you older, and perhaps way more metal than I was? Were you not into metal then? Perhaps the most depressing possibility is that you were only like two years old then. Either way, let me know.

5 Albums That Changed My (musical) Life

Computer-rendered depiction of the quiet moment when I decided to come up with this list.

My life in the world of metal has been a long one, at least it feels that way to me. Looking back on my years involved in metal, it's sometimes all a blur. I've attended lots of shows, concerts, and fests as an audience member. I booked bands, and helped my brother run his tape distro. Yes, there was a time when bands put out tapes. I saw Entombed at a strip club during their first US tour. I was part of the Wild Rags Records street team, and I was a pen pal of sorts with members from Hellwitch, Impetigo and other not-so-seminal bands. My brother and I did a radio show for many years, and played 7 minute Carcass songs so we could go to the bathroom which was roughly a mile away from the studio where we did the show from, and still get back in time to give out the call letters by the end of the hour. I played in bands, and got my double bass 36th notes to sound damn good and even. I've collected records, I've collected cassettes, and VHS tapes. I've driven long distances to see bands, and I've even waited to outside a tour bus to have an Obituary drumstick autographed. Okay, that last one still makes me cringe, but it was 1992 for god's sake! Anyway, because it's all a blur, I sometimes like to set some quiet time aside to think about it all. Just me, an Enya CD, a cup of tea, and nature. It's during these quiet moments (see image above) that I most effectively manage to reflect upon my life in the world of metal. Below is the product of my last quiet moment of reflection, a list of albums that changed my life. I've tried to be as truthful as possible in compiling this list, and as such the albums may not be as impressive or obscure as some I could have come up with. But this is the truth, here for all to read. These were albums that I encountered by chance at some point in my life. In one way or another, these recordings changed my view of music at that moment, and more often than not, sent me in a significantly different musical direction thereafter. School's in bitches. Let us begin.

1982

Kiss-Unmasked

I was a little kid when my brother and I received this album as a gift from our uncle. While many would argue that getting Unmasked as a gift is just as bad as getting smallpox infected blankets for your birthday, I have to tell you that I love this piece of garbage album to this day. In a way, I love almost anything that Kiss has done actually, best exemplified by Gene Hoglan's Balls and I singing "Hard Luck Woman" at a kareoke place just this weekend. But back to Unmasked. When I tell Kiss fans that this is my favorite Kiss album, they look at me exactly as you'd look at a retarded kid that just crapped his pants. A mix of disgust and sadness. What can I tell you, at such a young age, I had no idea that Kiss hadn't always been a disco-tinged pop disaster, but rather an awful talentless theater show. How was I to know? The album had enough songs with a harder edge to make it my favorite for many years, at least prior to my age jumping into the double digits. As a matter of fact, this was the only album that my brother and I listened to for most of our childhood. As a result of my youth, at one point I really did believe that Kiss may have actually been connected to satan, if only in a minor way. You see, my mom always told me to put my Kiss record away, (along with all my other toys) before going to bed. One day, I didn't listen to her and went to bed, leaving both the sleeve and the record sitting on the carpeted floor by my bed. In the middle of the night, I woke up to go to the bathroom, slipped on the record and hit the back of my head on the edge of my bed so hard that I nearly threw up from the pain. I remember getting a bump in the back of my head that was roughly the size of a hard boiled egg cut in half. After that day, I was always careful with the record, and kinda thought it really did have evil powers. As it turns out, the only evil power the record had, was making money for Gene and Paul for what basically amounted to third rate disco bass lines. I know, I was an idiot, but I was also like four. I loved the record, and while other kids in school were listening to silly kids music (perhaps one step up from "row, row, row your boat.."), I was listening to Kiss, and I felt like a bad-ass. This album basically set me up to continually keep looking for music that was harder, and more extreme than what the rest of the kids around me were listening to. Humble beginnings, I know, but in 1982, and this is all I had access to. About 8 years ago, my brother and I ended up at a taping of the David Letterman show. We sat right above Anton Figg, who was the session drummer for Unmasked. The whole time, I kept yelling at him to play "Torpedo Girl", which is my favorite song in the album. After the twentieth time, he kinda looked up, and shook his head. Yes, I had basically been told I was an asshole, but I had been told by the guy who laid down the groove on Torpedo Girl! So I was a happy man.




1988
Iron Maiden-Live After Death

Many years after Unmasked, my brother and I received dubbed copy of Live After Death from my sister's boyfriend. We were amazed by the whole tape. It was harder and faster than Kiss, and the cover (which we got a poster of) was way more evil! Eddie's shirt is all ripped, and the screw keeping his forehead shut was getting hit bit lighting! Holy shit! Sign me up! Soon after getting the tape, we watcged the home video version, and we were in love. I didn't speak any english then, but I could still be heard yelling out "scream for me long beach!" through the halls of my school. Can you believe that I still wonder why girls were repulsed by me? Maybe the bleached rat-tail, and the Brut Cologne didn't help, and I'm sure my wearing sweatpants constantly didn't make it any easier either. It's as though I was daring the oppostite sex to not throw up when looking at me. So, a couple of years after owning the tape, and playing it thousands of times, it became worn out. Another mishap with the TDK-60 dub of this album was that my sister's boyfriend had left the tabs in, so I mistakenly hit "record" twice while attempting to press "play" to listen to the tape. Because of this mishap, our beloved cassette had two blank spaces in crucial moments of songs. Actually, they weren't blank spaces, but spaces with ambient sound of my room back then, picked up by the small microphone in my Sony boombox. Having heard Maiden, the world of bands like Helloween, Metallica, Testament, and even Whiplash was open to my brother and me. I was like a fatty with an insasiable hunger for metal...and the pages of Metal Hammer magazine were my all-you-can-eat buffet. It was also around this time that we were introduced to some other very extreme bands, ones that bordered on grindcore, but they were small local bands that no one would know about...so I'll skip those. Moving on...






1989
Slayer-Reign In Blood, Venom-Black Metal

I count this one as one album, since it came to me as a single cassette. You see, one of our neighbors came to our house one day, asking if we'd buy one of his dubbed cassetes for five bucks or so. In retrospect, I think he wanted money to buy some wacky-tabbacky...but I'm not sure. He was older than my brother and me, and he was hella' metal. The tape he sold us was a 90 minute cassete with Reign In Blood on one side, and Black Metal on the other. While we liked Venom, it was Slayer that captured our imagination. Sadly, this was the first Slayer album I encountered. As I've stated before, South Of Heaven is my favorite...but life has a funny way of leading you down a path. Anyway, soon after hearing this tape, we got a dubbed copy of the Ultimate Revenge home video, and we were both hooked. Clearly, we didn't speak english then...otherwise we would have noticed just how insanely stupid Slayer comes off in that video. Luckily, we were clueless. Having heard Slayer, Metallica started to seem a little tame to us. We finally realized that Kiss was a disco band at one point. We were shocked. We still loved Maiden, but we knew that there were more extreme bands out there, and we had to find them. Destruction, Kreator, Cryptic Slaughter, Crumbsuckers and Bathory made sense to us after having owned this tape.



1989
Napalm Death-Peel Sessions

My friend's mom was going to England for work in 1989, and he asked my friend what he would like her to bring him back from England. Being a smart dude, he quickly called me and asked me for the names of the most extreme bands I could think of, so she could buy those tapes while in England. My brother and I compiled a list, but I don't think that Napalm Death was on it. We had heard of other early Earache bands through reviews in Metal Hammer, but I don't think we even knew about Napalm Death. I should mention that Metal Hammer back then was made up of endless articles about AC/DC, small features about Metallica, a cover story about Triumph or Uriah Heap, with small reviews of actual metal bands. To give you an idea of how behind the times we were in our beloved backwards country, the Metal Hammer issues we were buying at the supermarket for a good bit of money, were literally three years old! I'm not kidding! Imagine my shock when I found out that Cliff Burton had not only died, but they had already replaced him and were well on their way to sucking full-time! In any case, back to the story about my friend's mom.... she came back with the Peel Sessions tape from England. We heard it, and as you can expect, we were shocked. Now Slayer sounded like Bon Jovi and Def Lepard. It blew our mind, and I think it took some time for it all to sink in and make sense. Having heard this tape, the world of death metal, grindcore, punk, crossover and noise was open to us. Though some bands could be heavier, nothing seemed faster and more extreme than this recording for many years. I have to say, while many were bummed when Napalm Death released Harmony Corruption, I actually liked it...even if it sounded tame compared to Peel Sessions. It's still one of my favorite death metal albums of all time.






1991
Death-Human

Living in south-Florida during the formative years of American death metal was a great experience.Chuck Schuldiner lived in a storage space near our apartment, guys from Obituary were dating girls in my brother's high school, member of Cynic hadn't started to play in salsa bands in cruiseships...those were the days! It should come as no surprise then that I still feel that those early years of death metal were by far the greatest as far as musical output. Shortly after the Death album "Human" came out, I bought it and loved it instantly. Actually, I didn't buy it...I got this kid who I completely used for his money back then to buy it for me...but that's another story. Human was catchy and highly melodic, two qualities that were somewhat rare in other death metal bands back then. Yes, you could remember the general melodies to Deicide songs, but Death had taken it a step beyond. It reminded me of Iron Maiden, and that was a good thing. Perhaps that's why so many people grew to hate them. Another aspect of this album that blew me away was its complexity. In retrospect, the album is not THAT musically complex, but it opened my eyes to the possibilities. I know many people hate the fact that bands like Cynic or Atheist opened up Pandora's Box, and that inside that box was Fusion and Jazz...but I loved it. While Human was not as complex as some of Atheist's music or Cynic's, this album connected with me and showed me that complexity could be metal, prog could be metal...hell Jazz could be insanely enjoyable. Sadly, like many great moments in music, I believe that albums like Human, and most Swedish death metal are to blame for letting in a fair number of short haired beardos into metal. But what can you do? That's not Chuck's fault! Go blame the beardos! You gotta crack some eggs in order to make an omelet.




That's it. I guess since 1991 I've had no musical breakthrough moments in the realm of metal. That shouldn't come as a surprise to anyone who knows or understands my taste in music. I've had plenty such moments outside of metal, but I guess in my eyes, little has been done that matters in any way since 1991 within metal. Yes, I've listened to some bands after then and liked them a good bit...but I have not heard anything after Human that sent me into a different branch of the metal tree, if you will. I'm sure some of you disagree, but this is my opinion. An opinion that sounds an awful lot like the old man who is still going on and on about how The Beatles were the last great band, or the Greatful Dead fan who refuses to acknowledge the mere existence any musical output after 1972. I guess I've joined their club...and to tell you the truth, that's just fine with me.

The Ultimate Florida Death Metal Mix

We here at Metal Inquisition are of the opinion that most of the greatest music ever created came out of Morrisounds Studios during the early 90s. Thanks in large part to the legendary production and engineering of Scott Burns those early Florida Death Metal bands helped to shape and define what the genre would become.

I love all kinds of death metal, but if I had to pick just one to listen to for the rest of my life it would be Florida Death Metal. And if I could only listen to one song from each of my favorite Florida Death Metal bands for the rest of my life I would come up with Metal Inquisition's Ultimate Florida Death Metal Mix. If you're a fan of Florida Death Metal, then you will love this. If you don't know anything about Florida Death Metal, then prepare to be schooled.

Of course, if this was 1993 I'd put this mix together on my shitty shelf system by dubbing a cassette, but thanks to the wonders of modern technology I can now download whole albums, then splice the tracks I want into a mix which I can then upload to a file hosting site for the enjoyment of all our readers. Tracklist and download links follow...

Metal Inquisition's Ultimate Florida Death Metal Mix:

1. Solstice - Transmogrified

2. Morbid Angel - Chapel of Ghouls
3. Nocturnus - Destroying the Manger
4. Deicide - Satan Spawn, the Caco-Daemon
5. Death - Lack of Comprehension
6. Obituary - Chopped In Half
7. Atheist- And the Psychic Saw
8. Cynic - Uroboric Forms
9. Hellwitch - Viral Exogence
10. Brutality - Ceremonial Unearthing
11. Massacre - Cryptic Realms
12. Resurrection - Rage Within
13. Monstrosity - Imperial Doom
14. Malevolent Creation - Iced

Download Links:
Mediafire
Megaupload

Recruiting for Metal: A Human Resources Model for Hiring in the Metal Community

I didn't know what to make of this at first, but I soon knew I needed to bring it to MI. This was found over at something awful yesterday. Sadly, it sounds like something I may have written when I was younger. Read through it and then we can get to business.

_______________________________________________________

Hey looking for hardcore rock gods to start SUPER BLACK METAL BAND

I am learning to play guitar and also Im ok at singing. need drummer, guitarist, bassist and songwriter to join ONLY JOIN IF YOUR SERIOUS ABOUT METAL OK. I have a bunch of lyrics written so just need someone to come up with music for them. One would be are signature song because its about this high school in an post apoctlyptic world where all the teachers are really The Devil wearing different masks.

Also I was thinking we could be called "Black Horse Riders Of The North" or maybe "Sheep Gut Lickers", I haven't decided.

I am a sophomore at Carlsbad High and I think we can sometimes use the band room because the band teacher likes me, other then that I need someone with a place to practice cuz mom won't let me play metal, she's too afraid of it's POWER

plz contact Dwayne Geitz


_______________________________________________________

Noah Begley
334 Wilson St.
Carlsbad, CA 92008
4/27/08

Dear Mr. Geitz,

I am writing in regards to the advertised position in your black metal band. I would very much like a chance to be part of this venture, and I feel that I have the rock god skills necessary to efficiently build and maintain a high profile Satan-worshipping black metal band. My education and background are perfect for a "god of metal" position, as I will explain below.

After graduating from Harvard, with distinction, in the field of English (a degree that puts me in a unique position to provide constructive and informed criticism for lyrics involving oral sex with voluptuous demonic women who have broad ashy nipples that taste faintly of molten rock and acid, and about riding at night on an enormous black war machine piloted by Satan to rain destruction on young innocent Christians, and about going to a 24-hour diner created in the darkest pits of hell, clad in ebony robes worn to perform demonic incantations, and eating a plate of fried cheese and buffalo wings in the corner by the bathroom), I was hired by a large accounting firm in New York.

During my time at this accounting firm, I learned how to work effectively in a team environment, how to manage time wisely to meet concurrent goals, and how to hate authority to the maximum levels that I am personally able to attain. In the area of hating authority, I took the initiative in getting my boss's face tattooed on my left shoulder with a knife protruding out of his forehead. The skills I gained in being really mad at authority and also working effectively in a team environment would be perfect for use in a devil-focused black metal band.

I left a threatening note on my boss's porch once, which demonstrates a commitment to achieving my goals, and also I broke into his house and watched his TV all night while he slept and then snuck out just as he woke up but not before switching the order of the breakfast cereals on the kitchen shelf. This indicates a variety of skills so useful and applicable to the job in question that I will not actually name any of them here.

After departing from the position at the accounting agency soon after the previously described events, I embarked on a self-supervised course of heavy metal history in my home over the span of two years. Utilizing a guitar I bought off my cousin and a collection of used CDs I purchased economically from a going out of business music store, I rapidly taught myself the basic structure of heavy metal instrumentation, as well as the required attitude, mindset, and fashion accessories needed to both appreciate and perform metal at a consistent standard of quality.

My self-appointed goal was to reach a certain level of "kicking ass" each day, which I judged through the method of looking at myself in the mirror and gauging how awesome I looked. When not performing to adequate levels of "kick ass", I taught myself a variety of strategies to overcome the problem, such as the consumption of alcoholic performance aids, or calling my boss in the middle of the night and hanging up just after he answers.

I am looking forward to working with you, and I have my amp and guitar packed up in the trunk of my Ford Probe ready to go the moment I am contacted. I also have a leather jacket with the word "SATAN RULES" written on the back in duct tape, which could be utilized in a variety of situations. The L and the R are half-fallen off, but you can still definitely see what it is supposed to say.

Your brother in metal,
Noah Begley

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hey naoh,

thanks for writing me about the metal band thing but I'm looking for people who are a little more committed and serious about this, I think we may be able to take on the school talent show in a few months if we really work at it
may satan rock your world,


Dwayne

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I doubt this is real, but it got me thinking. What if metal bands applied HR practices when looking for new members? Also, how would some of my metal icons rate if reviewed using what I use for interviewing new hires?

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Chuck Schuldiner
Chuck interviewed well and had all the right answers to the questions asked. Some reviewing of past work experience shows that while he runs his own business, he has had problems with retaining employees. He seems like a natural born leader, but questions of being a team player remain. His examples of past projects show excellent knowledge of the market that teeter on the verge of true innovation. Chuck comes across as one who is always thinking ahead, but I question if this comes at a cost of alienating others due to what I perceive as a stubbornness to work collaboratively in the long term.

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John Tardy
This seemed to go on a bit longer than it should have. Considering personality, I really like John, but professionally I am not sure if he is a good fit. He seemed to have a hard time articulating ideas and appeared to be drunk as his words were slurred and drawn out. He has spent a long time with his current employee with brings up concerns of being able to fit into a new organization. I am not sure, based on his experience, that he meets the demands of the new market.

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Gene Hoglan
Gene was quiet during the interview as if he almost didn’t care he was interviewing. Gene has a long history of employment with different employers. He also possesses a bit of a journeyman mentality. He is very skilled at what he does, but the big question is about dedication. His resume suggests a fair amount of moving from job to job within short frames of time. We should consider for a consultant but not full-time.

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Kerry King
I am not sure what Kerry does. He has worked for a very large and well know establishment with in the community, but seems to play a secondary role to a much more talented coworker. He appears to be a bit all over the place and has a tendency to dwell into the nonsensical. He does possess a strong skill set but based on experience as well as personal appearance, he comes across as being a follower and not a leader. He is one who could strengthen the organization, but no necessarily redefine it.