Metal Photo Analysis—A collection of metal photography from around the interweb (Part 2)

As this picture was taken, a father turned to his concerned wife during a quiet dinner and said the following:

"Oh, will you relax Estelle! Jason's just away at college having a good time, it's not like he's letting his friends crucify him upside-down in order to parade him around the dorm."

Please note that the guy getting crucified is wearing sandals, in order to make the whole thing that much more realistic. Bravo. Others would have just worn their white New Balance walking shoes and called it a day.



____________________________________________________________________

Memo
To: Aspiring Teenage Black Metallers
From: Black Metal Governing Body (BMGB)
Re: Make-up

As the BMGB has stated before (see Memo #3651), the differences between the make-up required to be an evil black metaller, a mime, a juggalo and a clown may seem slight...but they are crucial. First, please remember to follow the very important 60-40 rule (roughly 60% must be black or white, with the remaining 40% being the other color) and remember not to pose in front of your grandma's floral drapes for band pictures. We admire your use of the "holding two evil grapefruits" pose, but we must also remind you that the use of top-hats is absolutely banned, and best left to 75 year old Jewish women like Alice Cooper. Thank you for your cooperation.

When you think about it, a clown like this way is actually way creepier and more evil than any black metal douche will ever be. Why? Because as this picture was taken he was on the phone, even though he was roaming....which will incur unbelievable roaming charges to be paid by his employer (who pays for his phone bill). Is that not evil? I think it is.

____________________________________________________________________


This is what happens when you leave your pet black metal band out in the backyard while it's raining. The band gets all wet and sad-looking. Lesson learned? Bring your pet black metal band indoors before its plumage gets all droopy.

By the way, if I ever find the photographer who took this shot, I'm gonna' have a few words with him. Why on earth would he crop out the guy on the left (barely visible) who is clearly a pioneer in the arena of Victorian-Black Metal fashion? If there's one thing I love about pseudo black metal bands, it's their flair for mixing in dabs of victorian, goth and gay fashion in. These guys went ahead and brought in bridal fashion, pirate fashion and topped it off with a dark blue rain poncho. Amazing.



____________________________________________________________________


1. Is that the tiny microphone that comes with Rock Band?
2. Laser hair removal. Look it up. I mean, who has hair on the underside of their forearms? This guy must be part monkey, or Italian. Oh, that's the same thing. Sorry.
3. Note the extremely straight, and perfect line in which his chest hair ends. Ugh.
4. Tasteful ceiling fan. I love its ornate, detailed body, with its Tuscan-inspired patina finish.




____________________________________________________________________

I can't even begin to make fun of these guys. My brother and I would have willingly given up our thumbs to know dudes like this,and be their friends back in 1989. Come to think of it, I would still kill to be their friend today. The guy furthest to the right gets points deducted for not wearing high-tops (is he going to church or something?), but the rest of the dudes are pretty much the coolest guys I've ever seen. The only thing missing from the picture to make it the raddest dudes ever circa 1987-89? A skateboard.


____________________________________________________________________

Could someone, anyone, send a memo to all black metal bands clearly outlining the delicate, yet obvious boundaries between evil attire, and S&M gay leather-bar gear? It's bad enough that teenagers are already wearing clown make-up thinking it's black metal...but this is ridiculous. The Black Metal Governing Body really has to get on this stuff, or black metal will become a joke. Wait, it already has.


____________________________________________________________________


At first, you look at this picture and think there's little wrong with it. Then you look closer and see the following:
1. Police tape guitar strap. Why? Because his slap-bass skillz are KILLER!
2. Denim shorts? Really? Jesus, I thought that by the time a Will Farrell movie (Talladega Nights) made fun of something, everyone knew it was time to retire these things.
3. Mexican singer dude has fingerless gloves that say "love" and "hate" on the knuckles. Wearing these things is pretty much like wearing one of those bodysuits that makes it look like you have tattoos when you don't.



____________________________________________________________________


I can't take credit for the Photoshop work on this one. I would have done a better job, and would never let the word "covering" be hyphenated. Still, it's pretty good. By the way, I thought we had all agreed on the "facial hair doesn't mix with black metal make-up" rule. No?


____________________________________________________________________

God damn! Is there a "Turbo" button in the Japanese* psyche that allows them to take any element of a sub-culture to the extreme? If so, I want a "Turbo" button. Check out the names of the band members:

Freddy, Left Face of Maradou
The pseudo black metal equivalent of TLC's Lisa Left-Eye Lopez

Doris, Thunder Tears
Her name comes from the ongoing crying fits that are brought on when she's told that she's the only female member due to regulations in the world of pop black metal which clearly state that one member must be a female.

Dani, Azathothian Hands
Azathoth is a fictional character created by HP Lovecraft...I'm guessing he had way evil hands.

CJ, Dispersed Fingers
I guess his fingers are spread far apart or something? Is that evil? What's the deal with these guys being so obsessed with fingers and hands?

Su-Nung, The Bloody String
Yes, that's the guy's actual name. Here at M.I. we like to keep things classy. As such, we'll let the readers insert their own joke about tampons here.


Lastly, Check out the haircut on the guy standing on the top right of the picture. Remind you of anyone? He's like the Rachael of black metal


* Yes, it's been pointed out that Chthonic are actually from Taiwan...but saying they're from Japan is funnier.

Dave Mustaine Interviewed By A Puppet

Mustaine being interviewed by a brainless creature. No, not Riki Rachtman. A puppet from a Japanese TV show.

The content of the interview may not be the funniest thing ever, but seeing Dave Mustaine keep a straight face while being interviewed by a godamned puppet on Japanese television is insanely funny. At least to me. Can you imagine how hard up you have to be for press, in order to to hear a guy from your label say "So, it's an interview show...but the interview is done by a paper mache puppet, doesn't that sound like a fun time?" and you actually agree to do it? This is yet another moment in metal history that ends up looking exactly like a bad SNL sketch.

Due to his tearful breakdown in the movie Some Kind Of Monster, we now know exactly what was going through his mind while this interview was taking place:

" Jesus, Lars is so rich right now that he's probably buying a mansion and getting himself new chiclet teeth. Kirk probably has enough in the bank already to try all kinds of experimental hair replacement methods...and I'm here being interviewed by a damn puppet. How embarrassing. Thank god that no computer network exists where people around the world will be able to watch this footage. This whole thing is between me, the puppet and Dave Ellefson. Hmmm...I hope to one day tell Lars how I really felt about being thrown out of the band. Thank god for the fact that the day that happens, it will be a private moment that won't be filmed for a major motion picture. At least I have that to look forward to, and to keep me from crying as I get interviewed by this creepy Asian puppet."

Metal Photo Analysis—A collection of metal photography from around the interweb

I know we're all supposed to be respectful of each other's cultures...but seriously, how can we have any respect for Europeans when they throw this our way? Who gave Jabba The Hut a mic stand and a leather vest? Whoever you are, please ask for both things back. The fat tub of goo (of an unidentified gender) looks like he's about to blow a major artery in or around his face. If he/she does, we'll all be covered with the cholesterol filled goo that no doubt runs through his/her veins.




Well...I guess that's one way to protect yourself from the onslaught of complete and utter shit that you're about to produce on that budget-ass drum set.





Most kids simply get cash for their Bar Mitzvah, this little fucker's parents got him an entire afternoon with heavy metal dwarf Ronnie James Dio. What a better way to make a 13 year old feel like he's indeed a man in his community, than making him spend an afternoon with a 60 year old who is three feet shorter than him, and wears crushed velvet pants from the Victoria's Secret catalog?




Some scientists have claimed that time travel is impossible. I beg to differ. Not only does it exist, it only costs about $800. Simply buy a ticket to any South American country, and you'll see what I mean.





I guess all losers have to find something to do in order to fill the small gaps of time that exist between being rejected by all members of the opposite sex, and being beaten mercilessly by everyone in their school (including the kid with CP who drools on himself). By the way, put a shirt on. Yes, I'm talking to you bird-chest.




Like any other metal kid growing up, I always had a dream of suddenly finding out that I had a long-lost uncle who no one talked to in my family, one who never came around and lived his life of pure metal somewhere distant and awful...like New Jersey. In my dream, my uncle looked exactly like the guy sitting down in this picture, a bad ass rocker with a sweet mustache who's not afraid of wearing his boxers as outerwear. Sadly, my dream never came true. Now, all I have is this picture.





Look, I know that Nile were kinda' good at one point and all, but if you look at this picture and forget who they are...don't they look like the biggest group of loads you've ever seen? Combat boots with shorts? Are you kidding me? Who are you, goth kids at Six Flags circa 1993? Can't you get some normal guitars? That fat tub looks like he's playing on two wooden rowboat paddles.


Lastly, I know the band has an Egyptian theme (a theme, think about that, much like an 8th grade dance), but that godamned necklace makes tubby look like Professor X from X-Clan.







Studies have shown that one person out of every ten is gay. This means that all our families have at least one gay member in them. If that's true, don't you think a certain family member in each one of these guys' families would have let them in on the fact that they are basically dressed as gay sex slaves?





Okay, so some of you know what band this is. Good for you. Put that aside, and consider the fact that this picture contains a robe, a violin, and two swords. Metal bands are basically doing what most of us did in our basements for fun on Friday nights during the 7th grade, and getting paid for it (however little). As such, I want to make fun of them...but I'm also insanely jealous.

Kids Playing Metal (aka: Asian kids can play "Crazy Train" at an earlier age than non-Asian kids. Science says so.)

Yup, it's true. The reason why many of you weren't able to play "Crazy Train" when you were six is because you're not Asian. Don't believe it? Science says so. You see, Asian languages rely heavily on tonal differences, which lead Asian children to have absolute pitch (aka perfect pitch) more often than non-Asian kids. Watching this video makes me so jealous.



Note: After "Crazy Train", the video gets decidedly un-metal, unless you consider Eric Clapton Metal.

Compare that to this American kid playing Slayer. I know I sound like a jerk for making fun of him, but please compare the two. At first, you think the kid's double bass skills are pretty good. But then it starts to sound like a sack of potatoes falling down a set of steps.

In all these videos, you can almost see the parent aiming a gun at the kid, forcing him to play. Poor kids, destined to live out their stupid father's failed dreams of rocking out. At least the kids will have YouTube proof for their therapists one day.





But worry not Americans, this kid comes in and saves the day. He's also an aspiring Lombardo, but manages to play much better than the previous kid. Yes, his triplets need a little work, and he's a bit sloppy at times...but Lars Ulrich only wishes his playing was this tight. There is hope for the US of A after all.

Where Are They Now? Marty Friedman Edition

Just last week Metal Inquisition spoke out about the obvious, and disturbing antisemitic visuals in Megadeth's "Hangar 18" video. Our primary concern was the insulting alien that appears on screen as Marty Friedman is shredding his way through what has to be my favorite among the 39 guitar solos in that song. Note the Friedman-like hair and, and the seriously offensive nose on this alien. Mustaine was certainly trying to send a message to Friedman.


Having no information to the contrary, Metal Inquisition researchers determined that this was surely one of the reasons why Marty eventually left Megadeth (that, and being asked to come up with a signature coffee blend for Legend's Cup Coffee). So the next question we all asked ourselves is "where is Marty Friedman now?" Read on to get the answer.

Have you ever watched TV from Japan? You know the shows I'm talking about...the ones with the mindless screaming, the crazy writing that takes over the screen (and has sound effects), the unnecessary freeze-frames, and the dancing? Maybe you've caught some of it on cable or satellite...perhaps you've seen it on your local station when they show you wacky shows or commercials from around the globe. So much weird crap happens on those shows, that most of us are left with an unsettling feeling that we will never, ever understand other world cultures. It's worth mentioning that many Americans have reported having a similar reaction to watching Univision, and wondering why there's so many puppets and adults dressed as children in Latino television. Because of such television shows, many people feel that we will all live knee-deep in xenophobia for the rest of our lives, and that we will never understand those around us.

Enter Marty Friedman, the beloved afroed Megadeth shredder who spent the better part of the 90s wearing skin tight jeans and Nike Air hightops that were each roughly the size of a Buick. Yes, we all know him as the guy who took the job playing with Megadeth because he lost a bet in 1990...but his life is very different now, and his mission is to bridge the gap between western and eastern cultures.

Here we see a western man bowing to his Asian host at a cultural awareness summit co-chaired by Marty Friedman. During said summit the subjects of culture, guitar shredding, 4-minute guitar solos, tremolo picking, hair care and hair products in thrash metal, treatment of alien in American Air Force bases and many others were discussed by a multi-cultural panel of distinguished guests.

That's right, Mr. Friedman now lives in Japan and he hosts the TV show ヘビメタさん (Mr. Heavy-Metal), as well as Rock Fujiyama. Don't ask me how he got hired, but someone in HR must have been asleep at the wheel. Not only is he a TV personality, he also writes for Japanese music publications and continues to dazzle an entire culture with his unbelievable curly locks. Take note, however, that Marty is starting to look more and more like Paul Stanley. Pretty soon, he'll look exactly like Paul...meaning he'll look like a Jewish housewife.



I'm confused. Wait, is that a swastika on his shirt? Jesus, he's wearing Paul Stanley's boots! He moved to a country where everyone is as short as he is...but he still has to show his western-centric, ugly-american side by showing everyone he can tower over them.




Marty Friedman is on a cooking show? Huh? It seems like the Japanese think he's hilarious. He's what Hasselhoff is to Germans, or Woody Allen and Jerry Lewis are to the French.




Marty Friedman? Madonna? What? Just check out Marty's awesome leopard print trench coat.




In this clip, Marty explains to a whole new culture why Sting is insanely annoying, and why chubby secretaries think this Police song is sweet...when in reality it's about a guy stalking a girl.

TORA, TORA, TORA! NIHON-JIN RAISHU! - 日本人来襲!!!

X-Japan are a rad Japanese band from the 80's. They are like the Nitro of the Land of the Rising Sun. I really like them and I rediscovered them in the last 2 months. They've been blasting in my office since. Anyway, I saw an awesome post on an Indonesian blog about a year ago and I thought you'd enjoy it. Nothing makes me laugh more than badly written English, which is funny 'cuz English is like my third language and I'm sure others laugh at my sad attempts to write it correctly.

This post may seem like MI staffers are becoming lazy. Afterall, it's nothing more than a repost from another blog. But it wasn't as easy as it sounds. First of all I had to find it again. I had seen this post months and months ago and it took me about 10 minutes to find it. That's like 4 years in Google time, you see? Second of all, I had to edit it for content. Finally I had to research all the facts, make sure all the information within was reliable and factual. I'm kidding, I didn't really do any of that.

Enjoy...

---

This band was occur since 1982 as the same year I born. I get to knew them in the year of 2003. I still remeber one of my colleague borrow me the Mp3 of X-Japan CD. It was quite awful when I starting to hear thier music but no choicelah coz my work place PC crash so have to format all over again and my mp3 all gone. I am so addicted to Japanese song although I dunno what the hell they are singing. So this were the first Japanese Heavy Metal band I have heard.

There were the 1st Japanese Heavy Metal Band in Japan. Very classical band with Benimaru(KOF) hair style, I am still wondering how they made thier hair stand so high like that.


I dunno what is the reason they make me so addicted to thier musics and yet thier music have been already 20 years already. Maybe is because the fast rythm of the musics make me crazy about it song such as Blue Blood, rusty nails, jealousy and Dahlia. And they also have ballad such as Endless rain, Forever Love and Longing.

From Left to right: Hide(Eguitar), Toshi(vocal), Yoshiki(drum and piano), Pata(Eguitar) and Heath(bass)

Thier History:

X-Japan were one of first visual band in Japan and also most popular. They start in teh middle 80’s with the union of school friends Yoshiki (drums and piano) and Toshi (vocals). After that the joined with a couple other guys and formed band X.
They release two singles ‘I Will Kill You’ and ‘Orgasm’ and made to two compilacions albums with other Japanese new comer bands. At this time Pata (guitar) and Taiji (bass) is joined the band.
In 1988 they make their effort first album ‘Vanishing Vision’ and hire second guitarists, Hide. The album was released on Yoshiki news record label Extasy. It was a great success and they change to Sony records. More albums (’Blue Blood’ and ‘Jealousy’) and more touring hapend.
With Jealousy tour they tried to come out in America, but no one there wanted this visual bands like this. They renamed the band in X-Japan because in America there was already punks band called X. The band hads great success in Japan and the members also makes solo projects.
At this time Taiji (bass) left the band and was replace with Heath. Yoshiki wrote the 23 minutes long song ‘Art Of Life’ which was the first records on the new label Atlantic Records.
In 1996 finally came their last album ‘Dahlia’. In the spring of 1997 Toshi (vocals) decided to quit the band for ‘artistic and religous reasons’, so they announced their disbanding in September 1997. They make a final Goodbye concert in December in this year. Members made diferent solo projects. In 1998 a terible tragedy happen. Hide commit suicide for very unknown reason. The fans were shocked and sadend with melacholy and memory. Yoshiki draw back from public. In 2000 he starte a comeback with his project Violet UK.

Here come thier video:




These guys are the godfather of jrock, so even if you don’t like their musics style, they still demand your respect for sure. Without X, there would be NO jrock and Americans musics would certainly be affected in more ways than one.


It was so sad one of thier member has pass away(Hide) and so thier band also break of as well . Bye …..Legend of J-rock.