Warbringer's balls don't smell, and they like Sacred Reich

I recently made fun of Municipal Waste in Terrorizer for banging my ex and having smelly balls, among other things (read it here). I also called them phonies who tried too hard, along with other neo-thrash bands like Toxic Holocaust and Warbringer. It turns out that I may have painted with a brush that was a bit too broad (would hardly be the first time). Several people who I respect emailed or IMd me and said, "Bro, you fucked up, bro. Warbringer are the real deal, they're legit bros, bro," so I started to think I had made a mistake. I was still skeptical, though- I rarely make a false poser-accusation. I figured a good way to find out would be to go directly to the source and run them through a battery of tests.

In the interest of full disclosure, I should note that Century Media owns a controlling stake in Metal Inquisition, with Decibel/Red Flag Media's shares rounding out the mix.

They were game, so we asked Warbringer to watch the following videos and rate each one as follows:

• Is the band True or False, and why? Think about all the dimensions of their personal brands: the music itself, their image, what you think they do for a day job, what their fans are like, and if the people in the band are fat. Say a little bit about your thoughts on each video (a few sentences/a paragraph).
• Choose two finalists from the pool, one band who is The Truest and one who is The Most False and say a little bit about why you chose them.

Here is what they had to say:



Forced Entry "Bludgeon"
Hell yeah! This rules! Sweet headbanging rhythms and nice lil solo near the beginning. There's a lot of random stuff going on in this video... it has a guy grabbing a rifle and getting ready to shoot something out the window, then someone jumps into a swimming pool with a guitar and more random havoc intercut with relentless live and rehearsal performances. Forced Entry are an underrated band, probably due to being overshadowed by the Seattle grunge bands. Seattle actually had a lot of good metal bands around that time like these guys, Metal Church, Bitter End, Sanctuary, Panic and more. Definitely true!



Nitro "Freight Train"
Not only does Michael Angelo Batio's guitar have 4 necks, but it descends apparently from the realms of the beyond into his hands for ultimate ridiculous shred. Jim Gillette apparently used to shatter glass with his falsettos too. Also he has a palm tree growing from his head, which he displays proudly here. This had got to be some of the biggest hair of any hair band - can it be real? And this guy eventually hooked up with Lita Ford and is now some hulked-up MMA guy. This wins due to complete over-the-top factor, being more over-the-top than just about anything ever.



Burn Halo "Dirty Girl"
This is the new band from 18 Visions' singer. I hadn't heard of this band, and don't really know 18 Visions either, but looking at the video this is quite a departure from what I know of that. This seems pretty manufactured, and pretty uninteresting. It's kind of along the lines of corporate cock rock aiming to get some radio play. The guys in the band all make "look at me" faces the whole time. At least there are some babes in the video, I guess. False.



Prong "Snap Your Fingers, Snap Your Neck"
This song is a classic for its time. I could imagine some gothy looking stripper dancing to this song, it would work I think. Don't know what to say about Tommy Victor's mesh shirt and pleather pants thing, hard to say why that would be. But here all is well, and pretty badass. At around 30 seconds- "Catch the ball next week with Alice in Chains at its new time at midnight!"



A Day To Remember "Downfall of Us All"
Can't say I like this at all. I had never heard of happy hardcore in this context before. Judging by this I don't think it's such a great idea either. The mosh parts don't seem like such a juxtaposition because even those parts sound happy and uplifting somehow. The whole thing sounds like they could easily be singing about Jesus, and that I just can't get behind. False.



Sacred Reich "Independent"
Ok now we are talkin! This song is pretty badass. We toured with these guys a little bit in Europe this summer and they were all rad dudes. The video is pretty much a lot of shots of them, playing metal and being badasses, and all these motivational messages that flash across the screen. This is fine though, as one of them near the beginning just says "YOU RULE!". Allrighhht!



Hollywood Undead "No. 5"
This video was directed by Jonas Akerlund, the original drummer for Bathory, eh? That is a fucking bummer. Well, regardless, this is a good example of white dudes totally sucking at being rappers. Oh well, at least we can get a fucking robot to sing the chorus for us! Robots are pitch-perfect! Marvel at its digitized sheen! False.



Emmure "Sound Wave Superior"
Whoa, this is fucking gay! I had never heard this band before, but if this is widely hated, it must be because many people have functioning ears. The wiggerness doesnt help get them out of the suck sector either. And whoa... now the singer (maybe its just the hoodie that makes him look chunky?) is in bed with all these hot chicks, and he looks really out of place. Also the whole song is a chugging breakdown. The whole song! Is falling asleep brutal? False!!



Wasted Youth "Good Day For A Hanging"
Classic old-school L.A. punk/hardcore. I definitely know the name. This features the guitarist in Velver Revolver and the drummer from Queens of the Stone Age but there are no sonic connections between those bands. Wasted Youth is better than either I think. Lots of moshing and playing drums on rooftops, playing a backyard party and badassery like that. I give a hearty thumbs up.



Blessed By A Broken Heart "Mic Skillz 2"
This is clearly a joke, very silly stuff here. "Go ninja, go ninja, go!' So while I can't really give it a stamp of trueness it is one of the more entertaining videos on here to watch. The video is just going for the over-the top angle and the song itself is ridiculous part after ridiculous part, so I guess it at least succeeds at being ridiculous. Shredding is good though!



Evildead "Annilhilation of Civilization"
Fucking awesome thrash! These guys were from L.A. and underrated. Guitarist Juan Garcia is alone true as he's been in so many good bands like Abattoir and Agent Steel and is still always playing around. The band is dressed like a fucking metal band, with the exception of the neon colored red hot chili peppers shirt. But that is ok. Then there is starving children, all kinds of creatures being brutally murdered, AIDS, and all kinds of horrible stuff. Then at the end there's some politicians. Those bastards! Look what they've done! True!



Winds of Plague "The Impaler"
This is probably a little more wigger than Emmure, it looks like a rap video basically. The music is a little better though, as once in a while the guitars are doing some not-chugging. Then it shifts from being in the club to being on a field of skulls, which is a clear improvement. Unfortunately then they decide to break it down for reals at this time, and that is a clear not-improvement. Pretty false I'd say.

The verdicts
For truest I would have to give it to Evildead, just for having probably the coolest song on here. Riffs and headbanging will always prevail.

For lamest it would be a split tie between Emmure, for trying so very hard to look tough, or Hollywood Undead, who rap about myspace and other such things.

***

Closing thoughts from Sergeant D
It's too bad they don't like any new bands like A Day to Remember, but the fact that they even know who fucking Bitter End are makes them OK in my book! And if they are into Dumt then I will erect a shrine in their honor.

Riff salad cookoff 2K9

I'm not sure why, but for some reason metal fans (and especially metal musicians) fetishize technique like Mortiis slurping on a stinky toe. It's as though a band is only as good as the number of notes they play per second. This isn't a new phenomenon, but as the bar gets raised higher and higher, it leads to what we like to call "riff salad," or albums that might as well be a collection of blindingly fast, yet incredibly boring, riffs thrown into a Salad Shooter and spit out the other end, topped with a sprinkling of Willowtip logos. With that in mind, we decided to have a cookoff at our Mid-Atlantic Innovation Center to find out who has the best recipe for riff salad (or worst, as the case may be)! We will rate them on a scale of 1 to 10 Unique Leader logos, with 10 being the ultimate in riff salad.

They got access to the Nocturnus cloning machine and made two copies of the douchelord in the middle.

Deeds of Flesh
Let's start with the inventors of this wretched genre. Once upon a time, Deeds were a great band. I loved the first EP and "Trading Pieces." The drummer for Odious Sanction gave me a cassette dub of it in 1997 and it not-so-gradually melted my 19 year old brain. Those records were super technical, yet also really catchy, with good songwriting. But then came "Inbreeding The Anthropophagi" or whatever the fuck it's called, I'm not looking it up. They traded their once-sick riffs for non-stop tremolo picking and double bass. I looked at the sky and said, to borrow a phrase, "Sir, have I wronged you in some way??" Whatever the case may have been, Deeds had officially jumped the shark and created the dull, lifeless genre known as riff salad. Subsequent albums just got worse and worse. You can just feel the energy leave the room when you put on "Path of the Weakening," and "Reduced to Ashes" reduced me to napping.
Verdict: 9/10 Unique Leader logos

Invisible oranges? Check. Fat guy with a goatee and shaved head? Check. If it looks like a duck...

Origin
When the self-titled Origin record came out back in 1999, it ripped my face completely off my skull. I still listen to it pretty regularly, largely for the unique drumming and strange song structures. It sort of sounds like if you took a death metal band and threw them down the stairs while they were playing- in a good way. I especially like "Vomit You Out." Sadly, though, all their other records are the most boring of boring shit that ever bored! It's just one long blast with the tweedly sweep picking or whatever over it, which is a real shame considering how groundbreaking and original their first record was. Although all copies of their newer records should be buried in a landfill like all those unsold copies of "ET" for Atari 2600, the self-titled one is so excellent that I am going to give them a relatively modest riff salad ranking. Also, it's Valentine's Day and I think I have a Valentine, so I'm feeling nice.
Verdict: 7/10 Unique Leader logos

This reminds me of those displays of high school senior photos that you see at the mall where the kid is holding his baseball mitt or whatever.

Dragonforce
I'm switching it up a bit here but venturing outside the world of death metal. But just because these guys don't have "tion" or "ment" in their name doesn't mean they aren't riff salad! Their songs are as Salad Shooter as it gets, only the kids like them because they are all about castles and white pride. Also, they were in Guitar Hero- but so what? Kim Wilde is in Singstar and you don't see the kids on her jock. In any case, I like a little fantasy metal here and there: sometimes after a rough day at work I'll draw a bubble bath, light some candles and relax while I bust Rhapsody on the Bose Wave CD player. But let's be honest, this shit sucks. This band is a dumb cartoon and they play too many fucking notes. The last part is the real problem, because I like plenty of bands that are dumb cartoons (Cynic, for example).
Verdict: 6/10 Unique Leader logos

This is from when Decrepit Birth was the most ass-ripping brutal death metal band on the face of the earth. What happened?! Why did you succumb to the siren song of Florideath?!

Decrepit Birth
Are you seeing a trend here?? Once great band loses focus, gets too far up their own asses and turns into riff salad? Decrepit Birth is perhaps the most tragic case of them all. "And Time Begins" is, without question, a game-changing classic that is without equal. I think I speak for everybody when I say that I felt like I got raped by a profoundly retarded baboon with AIDS when I heard that record (in a good way!). It still stands as the most over-the-top execution of the Suffocation formula, or more precisely the early Deeds of Flesh formula. But then they listened to Cynic and Atheist too much and turned into riff salad on their second album!!! Rather than try to use my own crude language to describe the feelings of betrayal that tore my heart into pieces, I will capture my anguish with the lyrics to "Stabbed In The Back" by Youth of Today:

We were brothers you and me loyal to our hardcore brutal death metal scene
our thought our aims our goals were true
then something happened to you you changed
stabbed in the back
I remember all the things that you said
shit you said
I guess it was just a bunch of lies
fucking lies
stabbed us all in the back
right in the back
don't you dare look me in the eyes
all we stood for, all our dreams you've forgotten what they mean
I tell you this my thoughts are real and I'll never change the way I feel

Verdict: 7/10 Unique Leader logos

Every riff salad band looks like this! What is it with the fucking goatees?! The Nazi-looking dude in the bomber jacket obviously dies his- Hitler would be disgusted.

The guy in the jacket sort of reminds me of Gene Hoglan's Balls! I'm sure he will disagree, though. He would never wear that.

Odious Mortem
Gene Hoglan's Balls loves this band. Maybe I would have too when I was 14 and just wanted to hear bands play as fast as they could with no regard for songwriting or dynamics. But I'm not 14 anymore so listening to the singer go "Grrrr grrrr!!" and the rest of the band go "Skronk skronk blast blast!!" just makes me want to run to the catchy grooves of Cock and Ball Torture or Dead. As these bands go, they're pretty good, but that's like saying it's better than a sharp stick in the eye, you know? Plus they're on Willowtip, which means they're not as ignorant as I'd like them to be. I'm pretty sure that dude grew up on hardcore so he's too smart to put out good death metal. If he was a real metaller he'd sign Gorevent and Disconformity. He's probably too busy jamming Abnegation and Green Rage for that, though.
Verdict: 8/10 Unique Leader logos

wat

Cryptopsy
The first two Cryptopsy records are fucking classics of brutal, yet super catchy and all around awesome death metal. They sound just as good today as they did 15 years ago or whenever the fuck they came out. Then they got rid of Lord Worm and started to practice their instruments too much or something, and became an extremely boring, overly technical riff salad band that forgot how to write songs. If only that was the end of the story, though! Now they are a pseudo-deathcore band so shitty that even I, the man with absolutely no standards, can't tolerate listening to them for more than a single second before I claw at the nearest sharp object and jam it in my eardrums. They managed to make it into an even bigger shit sandwich by putting on retarded Lacuna Coil-style latex JNCOs with excessive buckles and straps. Dudes, you're in your fucking mid 30s!! You can't do that shit! So yeah, their new crap makes me yearn for their riff salad days!
Verdict: 7/10 Unique Leader logos

Erik Rutan and John Tardy apparently go to the same barber/wig store

Hate Eternal
They may not have invented riff salad, but they definitely fucking perfected it!! Holy shit this band is boring!!! The most interesting thing this band ever recorded is the explosion at the beginning of "Conquering The Throne." Actually I really like that one instrumental song "The Faceless Ones," because it sounds like they took a few minutes to think about writing an actual song, rather than just firing up the Salad Shooter. I honestly have no idea how you could keep a band like this together for 12 fucking years. I can see how it would be kind of fun to spend a weekend with your friends goofing around and playing some crazy riff salad just to get it out of your system, but make a career out of it?! I'd rather be toiling away in the salt mines of Blue Grape with Guav and Buske, dreaming about how we'll make it big when we bring back Cabal 315!! Anyway, Hate Eternal wins our riff salad cookoff! Yay them! They get a gold star.
Verdict: 10/10 Unique Leader logos

Retroview: Forced Entry

Two Sacred Reich shirts in the same picture?! Isn't there some kind of law against that?

I grew up in Snohomish County, Washington- about 25 miles north of Seattle. Seattle is a pretty happening town now, with lots of bands, artists, cultural events, and industry icons like Microsoft, Amazon, Starbucks, Boeing and Nintendo headquartered there, but back in the 80s and early, pre-Nirvana 90s, it was different. Back then, it was mostly weird, isolated rednecks that marched to the beat of their own drum. Bands like The Accused, Dumt, Date Rape, and *cough* Bigtop did their own thing and generally attracted almost no national attention. Forced Entry were no exception: they played a pretty unique brand of thrash that wasn't really like anything else out there, and aside from a small cult following, nobody ever really gave a fuck. To atone for my earlier Crazytown post, though, here is a look back at the mighty Forced Entry, my favorite band in 7th grade!


Thrashing The Helpless Down demo / Uncertain Future LP (1987/1989)
Forced Entry started off as a very good, but not super noteworthy thrash band. They were definitely on the heavier end of things, especially for 1989- I'd say they were one notch below Solstice / Demolition Hammer / Malevolent Creation-style "death metal." I put it in quotes because, as Lucho Metales and I often talk about, it really is death metal in name only when you compare it to Suffocation, Internal Bleeding, Pyrexia, and so forth. I'm lumping the demo in with this album because they're mostly the same songs (maybe even the same recordings? I don't remember).



This album is totally good, and you should definitely pick it up if you get the chance, it's just not as mindblowing as their second one! There's nothing wrong with it at all, but it's pretty fun to go down the thrash metal checklist and tick off items one by one:

• Oil painting on the cover, although they probably couldn't afford Repka so they got their buddy from Edmonds Community College to whip something up
• Lyrics about toxic waste and mutants:
  Stagnant earth, chemical wastes
  Chaos ruling, it never waits
  Mutant cells, join as one
  Lethal minds spell destruction
  
• Picture of themselves looking like they just woke up from a coma, complete with puffy high tops (see above)

7/10 bloody axes


As Above, So Below (1991)
Now this is a masterpiece of technical, progressive thrash! Imagine the precision and brutality of Dark Angel with the angular, progressive touches of maybe Cynic or something and you have an idea of what to expect. Although it is impossible without access to the Nocturnus time machine, it almost sounds like they were listening to a lot of Oppressor's "Agony," because the riffs are more than a little bit similar. You might remember the song "Macrocosm Microcosm," which got a fair amount of airplay on Headbanger's Ball, but that song is by far the weakest part of this album. The rest are full of technical, cock-smashing brutality like the lead track, "Bone Crackin' Fever":



The majority of the songs are long, twisting epics with tons of weird syncopation and meandering riffs (in a good way), but they do keep it very real with another thrash staple, the goofy party song. In fact, this album includes not one but two goofy party songs: "How I Spent My Summer Vacation," which is about bongs, administering cunnilingus, urinating on oneself, and other trappings of being a white trash metalhead. The chorus is "Get fucked up!"

The other one is "We're Dicks," which is a song that articulates their anti-authoritarian, individualistic philosophy and highlights their belief in personal freedom. I'll warn you right now that the language is a bit coarse, but if you can handle that, the song is simply splendid.

With an album this awesome, the cover art isn't really critical, but it's a nice bonus that this is a pretty sharp design, all things considered. The composition is a bit static because it's symmetrical, but the use of color is remarkably vibrant for a thrash record in 1991, and I really like the illustration style on the hands.

10/10 bloody axes

The Shore (1995)
Hey, nobody bats 1.000, right? Even the best bands fall short sometimes, and unfortunately Forced Entry is no exception. This isn't bad, but like Uncertain Future, it just isn't that awesome in comparison to As Above, So Below. Like a lot of thrash bands, they tried to slow things down and did a little of the groove metal thing, and nobody wanted that to happen. Leave that to Pantera, the masters of power groove. Forced Entry did it pretty well, all things considered, but it's just not what you came for, you know? I give them a pass on this EP because it doesn't suck, but I wouldn't encourage you to seek it out (and it's really hard to find).

5/10 bloody axes

Cassettes I owned in 1992

As most readers know, all of the Inquisitors are big fans of cassettes. It just seems like the natural format for genres like thrash, generic death metal, and crossover. I mean, can you imagine listening to Master or Desultory on vinyl or CD? Of course not! These days I'm more likely to listen to Forever The Sickest Kids or Miley Cyrus remixes, but here are some cassettes that I owned in 1992, for better or worse.



The Accused - Grinning Like An Undertaker
The Accused had pretty much the perfect formula for getting a 14 year old kid stoked. You could put the poster of the infinitely detailed monster from the album cover on your wall and bounce around your room moshing to the mosh parts and thrashing to the thrash parts, then go see them at some crappy VFW hall and get high in the parking lot with them before the show. What could be better?! Although this record had that regrettable rap song on it (I chalk that one up to signing with Nastymix), it is overall their most consistent release, including some of their best songs like the title track, "Tapping The Vein," and "When I Was A Child." They were one of the first bands where it really wouldn't be possible to classify them as punk or metal. I liked that a lot as a kid since I didn't feel comfortable in either scene, and I liked them even more since they were a local band. Too bad Tommy ruined the band by quitting to start Gruntruck, who were absolutely awful.



Forced Entry - As Above, So Below
As a youngster growing up near Seattle, I was fortunate enough to see Forced Entry many, many times. I won't be "that guy" who goes on and on about the old days, but I will say that one of the most memorable shows I ever went to was Forced Entry and The Accused for free at the amphitheater under the Space Needle, I think it was 91 or 92. It was the day they filmed the video for "Macrocosm, Microcosm," and I'm pretty sure I'm in the video for a split second- I was wearing a black and white plaid shirt, buttoned at the top in my best Mike Muir impression.

Anyhow, their brand of technical thrash was really ahead of its time, and in my opinion still sounds great. They were definitely white trash retards, like everybody else from Mountlake Terrace back then (these days it's much fancier than it was at the time), but their music was much more cerebral and avant garde than their peers. They weren't a bunch of faggoty eggheads, though- they knew how to fuckin' party!! In case you didn't believe them, they proved it with their version of one of the best elements of thrash: the goofy party song (Exodus were good at this too). Forced Entry had not one, but TWO of these on "As Above, So Below": "We're Dicks" and "How I Spent My Summer Vacation," both of which had awesomely retarded lyrics about bongs, blowjobs, and booze.

I could go on about Forced Entry for a long, long time. For example, I could talk about how Brad Hull almost got to be the replacement for James Hetfield when he got burned (he got beat out by the dude from fellow Seattle band Metal Church), how jealous I was that my friend in Himsa got to skate on the singer's ramp back at Brier High, but I'll leave it at that. If you are a fan of weird, angular thrash like Voivod or Coroner, or even progressive death metal like Broken Hope or Oppressor, do yourself a favor and check this album out.

Biohazard - Urban Discipline
We have already discussed Biohazard extensively on Metal Inquisition, so I won't repeat it. Suffice to say that, as one of our readers commented, this album and its accompanying videos were indeed a wiggerish arm movements instructional video, and I loved it!



DRI - Thrash Zone
My friend Kevin gave this to me in gym class in 1990. He said "Here, you can have this, it's too thrash metal for me." His favorite bands were Bad Religion and Red Hot Chili Peppers, although now he plays in western swing bands. I had only seen the video for "Suit And Tie Guy" on a Seattle-area show called Bombshelter Videos, but I knew I was in for a treat! This album is a chopaholic's dream come true: every song goes "chop chop choppa choppa chop" like a well-tuned machine. Also, it's a little funny that DRI pioneered the concept of short songs, yet succumbed to the common 80s practice of making their songs way, way, way too fucking long on this album. I mean who really needs five goddamn minutes of songs like "Gun Control" and "Abduction"? Nonetheless, "Thrashard" is without a doubt one of the best crossover songs ever written and if there was an Academy Award for retarded punk lyrics, it would most certainly win! It was one of the highlights of my life to sing this verse with half a dozen people on a boat before Lucho Metales' bachelor party a couple of years ago:

Thrashing and slamming
Like hell in the pit
Tomorrow they know
May not come
Banging and moshing
Like they don't give a shit
To the rapid beat
Of the drum

A boot to your forehead
A knee in your face
Your nose and lips
Start to bleed
Like a wild Indian
From outer space
Drunk and
High on weed

Your turn
What were your favorite cassettes in 1992? Don't cheat and list stuff you had on vinyl or CD!!

Praise Christ: A brief overview of Jesus metal

Although I am anything but a Christian, for some reason I've always had a soft spot for the sweet sounds of Christ's love put to music. Here are some of the most notable examples I've come across, but please add your own in the comments!

Even by 1990s thrash metal standards, Mortification were stunningly unfashionable

Mortification
The first time I heard Mortification was about 15 years ago on one of those shitty early 90s death metal comps, I think it was "At Death's Door." They had one track on it, "Scrolls of the Megilloth," which was absolutely crushing and to this day of the best death metal songs I have ever heard. That song was so great that I made the mistake of paying $18 for the full length at some Christian bookstore in Mount Vernon, Washington. It turns out that the rest of their catalog is absolutely awful, third-rate death/thrash along the lines of Demolition Hammer or something but much worse.

Verdict: 2/5 crucifixes

Christian bands have never been shy about charging exorbitant prices for their merch, and at $17 for 2lbs, Tourniquet coffee is no exception!

Tourniquet
I am pretty sure that my introduction to Tourniquet was in some guitar magazine back in 1993 or so. I think they had a feature on Jesus metal or something. Anyway, Tourniquet had long song titles like "Pathogenic Ocular Dissonance" so I thought they would sound like Carcass, but they definitely did not. However, their brand of progressive thrash for Christ was very good nonetheless, with outstanding drumming. But the best thing about Tourniquet is their coffee! (Thanks to reader Keith Kahn Harris for the tip!)

Verdict: 3/5 crucifixes

Note the fancy cuffs on the guy's shirt on the bottom left- you have to admire that kind of attention to detail!

Stryper
I love Stryper so much that once I looked up Isaiah 53:5, which is the verse that they quote on all their covers and stuff (King James):

But he was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities: the chastisement of our peace was upon him; and with his stripes we are healed.

Well I guess that explains their outfits! But look how they fucked it up in the NIV. Someone on the NIV translation staff should have been on the lookout for potential conflicts like this, because now Stryper's whole image doesn't make any sense at all!!!

...the punishment that brought us peace was upon him, and by his wounds we are healed.

Anyway, people who read the NIV are morons who can't be saved so who cares.

Verdict: 4/5 crucifixes


Believer
Believer were nothing less than the finest thrash metal band of the 1990s. Well, perhaps tied with Forced Entry and Dark Angel for that title. In any case, they were great and if you don't listen to them on the regular, it is highly likely that you're a poser. All of their albums are excellent, but "Sanity Obscure" is maybe the best, complete ass-raping thrash (for Christ). Their third album, "Dimensions" is also excellent although it is much different. It sounds exactly like Earth Crisis, only the lyrics are all about killing sinners in the name of Jesus instead of "the cow, the cat, the fetus or the rat."

Verdict: 5/5 crucifixes

This is a photo of Devastation, but really it could be any generic 1990s death metal band, and would you know any different?

Devastation
The first 45 seconds or so of this record are fucking sweeeeeet, one of the most brutal thrash metal mosh jams ever. But then it's just song after song of wretched, generic riff-salad death/thrash that makes Six Feet Under seem refreshingly original. Many years ago I saw the hardcore band Overcast, and the guitarist was wearing a Devastation long sleeve. That's when I knew he wasn't a poser. Overcast was a great band.

Verdict: 1/5 crucifixes (except for the intro which is 5/5 crucifixes)

Vengeance Rising
We've already covered this band quite extensively. Roger Martinez is a lunatic. Most of their songs are excruciatingly dull and they are chronic chopaholics (all their riffs sound like "CHOPPA CHOPPA CHOPPA CHOP"). I strongly suggest not listening to this awful band, although the story of his descent into insanity and conversion to Satanism is mildly entertaining.

Verdict: 2/5 crucifixes

Impending Doom
This is a very bizarre band that plays Christian wigger slam metal. As is typical of Christian bands, they have very nice, expensive equipment, 4 different managers, and 900 different (extremely expensive) merch items but yet I have never met anybody that listens to them. From their Myspace:

Q. What is Gorship?
A. Gorship is our way of worshiping God through our gore sounding music.

Verdict: 3/5 crucifixes

For further reading
Other popular Christian metal bands include Slayer, Black Sabbath and Death, but I am guessing you are already familiar with these artists. If not, you aren't missing much, they're all very boring and generic although Slayer does have a few good songs like "Dead Skin Mask" and "Silent Scream." Listen to Malignant Rupture and Gut instead.

Retroview: Evildead - Annihilation of Civilization

It's no secret that I am a big crossover fan. Although the genre was widely maligned back in the day, in my opinion it is totally sweet. It combines the ignorance, bad fashion, and misdirected aggression of metal with the childish anger, simplistic politics, and preachiness of punk rock- a match made in heaven!

While they never got as popular as DRI, Cryptic Slaughter, or Wermacht, Evildead were definitely one of the very best crossover bands. Their 1989 album "Annihilation of Civilization" embodies all the elements that made crossover such a great genre.

1. Great cover
First of all, it's an oil painting of biting sociopolitical commentary- so that's the first requirements. But it has all the other necessary elements for a crossover/thrash metal cover, too: toxic waste, stupid puns (its says "Club Dead" on his towel lolololololz, get it??), and a caricature of "the man" sneering disdainfully at the viewer.

2. Chronic "chopaholism"
Bruce Reeves from Phobia coined this term many years ago in his legendary zine Jellobungresia. Anthrax are the kings of chopaholism, because all their songs sound like "chop chop chop-a-chop chop-a-chop chop." Evildead are right up there with them!

3. Insightful sociopolitical lyrics
This is very important, because this is how crossover bands prove how they are way smarter than metal bands and their stupid lyrics. For example, here are the lyrics to the title track on this album:

Christian mind control, brainwashing innocent souls,
Teaching their own twisted fears,
Baptism is final, confirming denial, of the reality
We must deal with today,
No one on this Earth can save us from this hell,
We're only destroying ourselves,
Religion gets its way, so God has his say,
And the Holy propaganda is free...

4. Awesome video that got played once on Headbanger's Ball
You know how you would sit through 2 1/2 hours of bullshit Trixter and Megadeth videos to get to the Triple Thrash Threat? And then they would play a sweet video that would BLOW YOUR FUCKING MIND only to never, ever play it again?! This video definitely fell into that category. Make sure you watch it carefully, because there is a lot of detail in it that really makes it great. But that's a whole other post.