Metal Inquisition: swimming isn't metal

Since we just went through the Super Bowl (Go fucking Steelers!) here in the US and March Madness is just around the corner, I thought we should look at sports and metal. For last year's SB, Lucho did a post about fat metal guys who should be playing football (check it out here) and this year he did a post about Shane Embury and Steelers offensive guard Chris Kemoeautu.
Now, I want to go deeper into the professional sports / metal relationship. I want to figure out how metal each sport is and crown the most metal of all pro-sports! Sure, there's a few sports I know nothing about, like cricket, but how metal can they be if the 'Krusher isn't into them? Feel free to disagree, but if you do, you'd be dead wrong.

AMERICAN FOOTBALL
Metal:
- The sport is pretty rough and there's plenty of running around and smashing into each other. All this fun violence would make Exodus proud.
- As Lucho pointed out last year, there's a lot of big guys in metal that could be linebackers. Most notably the guys in Crowbar look like the defensive line for the Pittsburgh Stillers. Fat guys are pretty metal.
- Some of the logos in the NFL are pretty metal, like the Raiders, the Buccaneers.
- Many metal peeps have been spotted throughout the years wearing American football jerseys. Danny Spitz, for example, wore a NY Giants jersey many times during the 80's.
- It's debatable whether or not spandex are metal or not. Sure, Poison wore them, but does Maiden and Manowar. Anyway, I'm gonna say that football spandex are pretty metal.

Not Metal:
- All the ass spanking. I'm no homophobe, but we all have to agree guys spanking each other's bee-hinds is not metal AT ALL.
- Too many black players. I'm not a racist either, but with few exceptions, black people aren't very metal. Sad but true.
- Some of the logos in the NFL are pretty fucking gay and not metal AT ALL: the Miami Dolphins, the Saints and the Jets are good examples.

OVER ALL METALNESS SCORE: 7/10

Hmmm... maybe he was checking for hemorroids?

HOCKEY

Metal:
- Hockey is huge in Scandinavia and eastern Europe. That makes hockey pretty fucking metal, since there is pretty bad-ass metal bands from over there.
- Winter, snow and all that cold shit is pretty metal and hockey is all about that.
- Wacko from Raven used to wear hockey gear on and off stage: metal.
- Hockey, soccer and metal pretty much share the dubious honor of having the largest athlete/mullet ratio. Mullets are pretty rad and outside of 80's thrash bands and redneck Slayer fans, the only people who rock them right are hockey and soccer players.
- All the fights. Fighting is pretty metal and no one does it better than hockey players.
- There's that player Miroslav Satan that plays for the Penguins. Bad ass name, no doubt.
- The NJ Devils are a little metal, but the Atlanta Thrashers!? Sounds like Kurt Brecht should have been their goalie, you know?
- Metal "celebs" known to wear hockey jerseys include: that other guy in Vio-lence (Philly Flyers), Mike Muir (LA Kings), Riki Rachtman (Detrot Redwings) and the bass player for Mythic (Pittsburgh Penguins).
- Blades of Steel. Nothing to do with metal, but that game was pretty awesome.

Not metal:
- Two words: Canada sucks.
- The ice skating thing. Figure skating is SO NOT METAL, that the stigma spills onto hockey. Sorry, but it's true.
- Team names like The Ducks, Penguins, Maple Leafs, and the Blues make the NHL sound like a woman's soccer league.

OVER ALL METALNESS SCORE: 6/10

The first time I saw someone wearing a Satan jersey, I thought it was a joke. Joke was on me, I guess. Well, not really. It wasn't really a joke on anyone. Except maybe on baby Jesus.

Hey, speaking of jokes... God, I'm SO fucking a happy a "hockey mom" didn't get the chance to be a death away from the button. They obviously do not have very good decision making abilities!

What a fucking ass clown.

BASKETBALL
Metal:
- Sometimes bands play shows in basketball arenas.

Not Metal:
- Everything else.

OVER ALL METALNESS SCORE: 1/10

BASEBALL
Metal:
- What's his face from Prong wore a White Sox jersey in the "Prove you Wrong" video.
- Mike Muir wore an LA Dodgers jersey in the "Punk It Up" video
- Scott Ian has a Yankees gee-tar.
- Running around the bases is like a circle pit. Well, a one person circle pit. Never mind.

Not Metal:
- Baseball is SLOW and BORING, not like metal. FAST and LOUD!
- I've seen a few mullets here and there, but outside of Manny Ramirez, I can't think of one baseball player with long hair. Fucking posers.
- Very popular in the Caribbean. When's the last time you hear of a brutal band from the Dominican Republic?

OVER ALL METALNESS SCORE: 3/10

Oh, shit he wore the matching shorts! Nah-ha, I know he didn't! But he did!

It's truly an honor whenever I get to reference Infectious Grooves in any post of mine.

RUGBY
Metal:
- I don't know much about rugby, but these assholes beat the shit out of each other with no pads, like the American football pansies. They are pretty fucking brutal dudes.
- The All Blacks. Just sounds cool and a little metal.

Not Metal:
- That little Hacka dance they do before games. All that tongue play and smacking themselves is creepy and not metal. It's like a South Pacific line dance.

OVER ALL METALNESS SCORE: 5/10

MOTOR RACING
Metal:
- Fast cars are pretty metal. If I had an '85 black Camaro with green flames on the hood, a sweet sound system and a Slayer bumper sticker, I'd get all types of metal ladies. I'm just sayin'.
- NASCAR, as lame as it is, does share the beer drinking, mullet wearing attitude that some metalheads adopt.
- NASCAR's races are basically a huge circle pit without music. And people are in cars. Still the bump and crash and go in a circle!

Not Metal:
- Formula One is pretty weak in the metal scale. The drivers are all rich prima donnas with yachts in the Mediterranean.
- Motor sports are big time sellouts. You think Metallica sold out? At least they didn't have 379 logos on the gee-tars!

OVER ALL METALNESS SCORE: 4/10

Chick-motherfucking-magnet!

Try fitting these many logos on the back of a CD!

NASCAR fans... Gotta love'em!

GOLF
Metal:
- Alice Cooper plays golf.

Not Metal:
- Alice Cooper plays golf.
- All the shushing. Silence is the antithesis of metal. Remember what Manowar said: All men play on 10!
- Golf carts are pretty fucking weak.

OVER ALL METALNESS SCORE: 1/10

TENNIS
Metal:
- Just like golf, tennis would seem very un-metal, but I found a gem: Björn Borg's hair in the 80's was fucking metal!
- John McEnroe used to smash his racket like a metal guitarist might smash his axe.

Not metal:
- Lars Ulrich plays tennis.
- As in golf: all the shushing. Fuck that. I wanna hear it loud!

OVER ALL METALNESS SCORE: 1/10

Hell yeah!

Hey! It's Assclown Sr. and Assclown Jr.!

SOCCER
Metal:
- Where is TRUE metal popular? I mean where do people still wear denim vests with Overkill patches? You got it, Europe and South America. Where is soccer incredibly popular? Same places!
- All over the world, fans make banners to bring to game using AC/DC, Maiden and Motorhead lettering.
- Maiden and Motorhead both sponsor youth and semi-pro teams in England.
- St. Pauli, a team in Germany, has a skull and cross bones as their logo.
- During Iron Maiden's show in Madison Square Garden last year, the power went out and for ten minutes, Adrian, Bruce and Dave kicked a soccer ball around on stage.
- Maiden sells soccer jerseys on their site.
- Soccer fans are rowdy, loud and love to fight: Metal
- Plenty of mullets, a.k.a. the soccer rocker.
- Sepultura wore soccer jerseys all the time.

Not Metal:
- Def Leppard and Duran Duran are big soccer fans.
- Elton John co-owns a team in England
- Soccer shorts are pretty gay
- Women's soccer.
- Palermo, in Italy, have pink uniforms.
- David Beckham.

OVER ALL METALNESS SCORE: 8/10

Hooligans are SO awesome! I wanna hang out with these guys. Chat about our lives and our dreams.

True soccer rockers. #10 there on the top left is Faustino Asprilla. $10 to the person who can tell me WTF he was doing in this team.

Metal up your asses, you little shits... metal up your young virgin asses.

Banner by the Chivas de Guadalajara fans, in Mexico

Soccer fans in South America are not only really good at making burritos, but they are also great artists!

Not only does Tony Meola have a mullet. He's also from Jersey and now sells real estate in Kansas City. It's true. look it up.

Officially licensed St. Pauli soccer ball. Awesomeness.

Sorry Palermo, I just don't see Slayer's new hoodies coming out in pink.

CRICKET

Metal:
- Again, I don't know too much about cricket, but there's nothing I can think of that is metal about this sport.

Not Metal:
- Guys always wear white. Look at the dbags in that image above
- Outside of the British Isles it's only popular in non-metal countries. Not a lot of bands from India o Antigua.

OVER ALL METALNESS SCORE: 0/10

WRESTLING
Metal:
- I've discussed wrestling and how metal it is (specially in Mexico) in another post (here). Read that first and I'll add a few points here.
- Wrestlers have long hair, kick ass and have slutty girlfriends
- As awesome metal dudes do, wrestlers dress like douche bags, but I wish I could pull off some of those outfits.
- Two words: Ass kicking.
- The Undertaker's finishing moves: Tombstone Pile Driver and Hell's Gates.
- Chris Jericho sings in a metal band. A really shitty metal band, but it's metal none the less.
- The only thing cheesier than Cannibal Corpse is Triple H.
- Wrestlers are broke ass losers with long hair and shitty tattoos, touring in a van, until they make it big.
- Balls Mahoney was spotted wearing Immolation and King Diamond shirts.
- Entrance songs for Triple H were written and recorded exclusively for him by Motorhead.
- In Mexico, El Bucanero's entrance song: Seek and Destroy

Not Metal:
- The whole greasy guys cuddling thing.
- Tighty Whities
- Wrestling is fake, metal is TRUE!
- John Cena.

OVER ALL METALNESS SCORE: 8.5/10

Fozzy, featuring Chris Jericho on vocals. I could a whole post on this image alone!

John Cena: not very metal.

SWIMMING
In this past post, we already established that swimming is NOT metal.

OVER ALL METALNESS SCORE: 0/10

CYCLING
Metal:
- Lucho did this post, and that's the only thing I could find that may be considered metal at all.

Not Metal:
- I used to be REALLY into cycling when I was a kid. Laurent Fignon, Bernanrd Hinault, Sean Kelly, Luis "Lucho" Herrera, Raul Alcalá... None of those dudes are metal in the least!
- Bikers shorts
- Lots of French people are into it.

OVER ALL METALNESS SCORE: 1/10

VEREDICT: Wrestling and soccer are metal.
Football is OK, but everything else is poser dogshit!

There you go. I know there's other fucking sports out there, but the post would have to a book if I were to include all of them. I hope you enjoyed reading it.

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We're all friends here right? At least I hope we are, because I've already admitted to our readers in previous posts that I've been known to browse through the pages of US Weekly. With that in mind, it should come as no surprise that two of my passions in life, (celebrity gossip AND metal) have finally collided. Who could have predicted this? Not me.

Here's how it all happened. As part of my usual Saturday routine, I was browsing through the internet looking for pictures of Dan Lilker's tiny, baby-like teeth. Is it weird that I do that as part of my Saturday routine? What do you guys do on Saturday afternoons?

As we've discussed before, Dan's tiny teeth are just one of the facial features that make him look almost exactly like swimmer Michael Phelps, who also looks like he's severely retarded.

Anyway, while searching through images I suddenly realized something....something amazing....something I simply had to share with the world. As it turns out, much in the same way that Dan is a musical one-trick-pony (his trick being mostly playing in bands that suck), he is also a one-trick-pony when it comes to posing for pictures. It's true! Dan has one default pose that he loves, which was probably developed in his Anthrax days. Now that he has mastered this pose, he sticks to it like stink on a monkey. What does this have to do with Renee Zellweger you ask? Lots! Not only is she also really annoying and ugly, but she also has a standard pose. I'm sure her publicist or stylist told her she looked best in this very unusual pose (who turns their back to the camera and looks over their shoulder?), and now she seems to only pose in this way for photographers. Coincidence? Perhaps. But I'd also like to suggest that based on their level of ugliness, there may be a tighter connection between the two. You be the judge:

Guy who looks like he has Down Syndrome, and has tiny teeth with huge gums:

Annoying, squinty actress who always does that awful fake British accent:

Before you make fun of me for noticing this, or point out how this is a useless post...please consider that I've just given you a great conversation starter for awkward situations at work. I've already tried it with some pretty important people at work, and they ate this up! Try it!