NEW YORKMENT keep it fuckin slam

I have never been in a band, but if I was going to start one, it would be exactly like my new favorite up and coming wigger slam band, NEW YORKMENT. With song titles like "Pit Riffment," "Slam the Gorebong," and "Ingorging Ingorgity," I knew I would love them before I heard the first note. Thanks to Matt from NJ's finest, Kalopsia, for the tip!


Instead of trying to describe them myself, I will use the words of one of their fans instead:

"Yo fuck tha haters. NEW YORKMENT is da real deal. Serious broz, serious music. East Coast new wave of death slam in full effect. NEW YORKMENT, WITHOUT REMORSE, REVENANCE" - Chrissy Wormgutzz

Be sure to check them out on Myspace because I hear they are working on setting up some shows with a bunch of sick bands like Deregorged Necrogorger, Cumtopsy and Ungorge Ingorgity of Ingorgement (sorry, they're too underground for Myspace but I am sure you'll be hearing more about them soon!).

I also agree with their feelings on crappy old bands like Carcass, Repulsion and Iron Maiden. It is refreshing to hear someone tell it like it is. As far as I am concerned, Repulsion and Terrorizer are about as brutal as Fleetwood Mac or Wings, and if you think they are the pinnacle of death metal, you are probably old enough to get the AARP discount on the salad bar at Rax. I am much more interested in guttural slamming brutality like Cemetery Rapist, Malignant Rupture and NJDOTS and cutting edge labels like Fuck The Ass Records that are pushing the envelope with bands like New Yorkment. Crappy old school fossil rockers like Morbid Angel wouldn't know a gravity blast or bass drop if it slammed their ass across the pit.

NO PUSSY ASSED OLDSCHOOL BULLSHIT!! FUCK OLD METAL IRON MAIDEN N MOTERHEAD IS UNBRUTAL SHITTY DINOSAUR METAL!!!!!

If the words of their fans aren't enough to convince you, maybe this testimonial from legendary Japanese wigger slammers Vomit Remnants will persuade you:

""me likey likey. good slammin NYDM shit! i'm glad my boys in dying fetus told me to check this band out!" -Keisuke from Vomit Remnants

NECROTIC ENBLUGEONER, AND MORE PIT CRUSHING SLAMNESS!!!!!

Great moments in art history: Suffocation

Anybody that knows me at all knows that Suffocation is without a doubt one of my favorite bands of all time. They are legends, responsible for countless innovations in death metal. But what a lot of people don't know is that they're also pioneers in the world of fine art and design.

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Exhibit 1: Human Waste

I love this album. When it came out, the brutality was completely unmatched. But the cover... I've studied it every day for the past 18 years and I'm still not sure I understand it. It's like a Heironymous Bosch or Francis Bacon painting, full of nearly infinite amounts of symbolism and intricate detail. What exactly is happening? Why is this demon with antlers using a circular saw on a bloody arm bone? Where is all the blood coming from? Actually it's not really a saw, it's just a saw blade on a stick. I am hoping that if I meditate on it long enough, it will make sense one day.

Exhibit 2: Effigy of the Forgotten front cover

One of Dan Seagrave's finest moments. What an incredible piece of work. Who else could have depicted a killer robot rampaging through a sci-fi garbage dump in such a compelling way? There are some nice little details, too: the robot skull on the end of the arm on top of the killer robot, the dragon egg in the bottom center, and the screaming mouth over on the right. Nothing could better suit this blasting masterpiece.

Exhibit 3: Effigy of the Forgotten photo shoot

Suffocation isn't just a band, they're a carefully orchestrated image campaign. Every piece of clothing they wear, every hair, every move they make- it's all part of their tightly controlled brand. You can see some examples of this in the inlay photos for the Effigy of the Forgotten booklet: Josh is wearing a Ripping Corpse shirt to match Terrence's Ripping corpse hat; Mike Smith (far right) brings to mind a young Rick James; Terrence looks right off the runways of Milan with his trendy acid wash cargo jeans. But Frank's outfit (center) is what really sets it off.

I'm guessing they hired a hotshot management consultancy like McKinsey or something to advise them on the right moves for this shoot. I imagine that it went something like this: "Frank, here's the outfit we put together for you for the Effigy shoot. We went with royal blue sweat pants and a Trump Plaza t-shirt." "OK, cool. That will make me look really businesslike and balance out Mike's Atheist belly shirt."