Cynic/Meshuggah, 2.19.2009. Thoughts and Observations

I don't go to many shows anymore. It's not that I don't enjoy seeing live bands, it's just that my priorities have changed as I've aged. Whereas back in my college years I would happily pile into a car with friends and attend just about any show happening within fifty miles, nowadays I'd rather spend my Friday nights sitting in front of the television watching Battlestar Galactica DVDs with a mug of Stash Moroccan Mint Green Tea in my hand. Not exactly the most exciting way to spend a Friday night, I know, but for me it's entirely satisfying. Last Thursday, however, I was motivated to leave the comforts of my home to do something I never thought I'd be able to do--see Cynic live.


I'm a HUGE Cynic fan, ask any of the Metal Inquisition Staffers. I've been listening to Focus and the '91 demo religiously for years. I'm not ashamed to say that when I heard that Cynic was re-forming I shrieked with joy like a teenage girl that's just been offered a deflowering by Robert Pattison. I was a little apprehensive when I heard that they were recording a new album and more than ready to throw myself on a sword if said album sucked and ended up ruining their legacy. Shockingly enough, Traced in Air turned out to be quite possibly the greatest reunion album in the history of music. Against all the odds, Paul Masvidal, Sean Reinert, and Sean Malone (What the fuck does Jason Gobel have going on that he's too good to re-join the band?) managed to make an album that sounds exactly like what I imagine Cynic would sound like in 2009 if they had never broken up. They've dialed down the death metal and turned up the prog and fusion influences, but it still sounds like Cynic. There's still sweet riffs, soaring guitar solos, amazing drumming, and vocoder. So when I heard that they'd be playing Irving Plaza, which is a mere twenty minute train ride from my apartment, I immediately purchased a ticket.


I managed to time my departure perfectly as I arrived just as Cynic was preparing to play so I didn't have to sit through the shitty opening band, The Faceless, who I've never seen nor heard, but I'm sure sucks. I quickly ascended to the balcony and staked out a spot along the railing to the left of the stage. The place was PACKED. The show was completely sold out. As I looked around I couldn't help but notice the motley crowd. Lots of virgins, some legit bangers, meatheads, Hot Topic shoppers, and quite a few norms. The dude standing behind me was wearing a leather motorcycle jacket with a denim vest over it proudly displaying a Metallica patch on his front breast pocket and he kept making fun of Cynic. Motherfucker. Anyway, from the second Cynic hit the stage they killed it. They looked and sounded great. They played behind a huge banner with the band logo and these standees with the Traced in Air cover art. It was totally surreal. I lost my shit when they started playing "Veil of Maya." Watching Sean Reinert play is any drum nerd's wet dream and Paul Masvidal wailed his ass off. The scab bass player was kinda hard to watch and the scab guitarist was relegated to playing in the shadows. They played a bunch of new songs, which all sounded awesome, and Paul gave a little speech about how the band had come full circle by playing this show because the last show Cynic played before breaking up in '94 was in New York. They also played "Celestial Voyage" and "I'm But A Wave To." I'm still bummed they didn't play "Uroboric Forms" and the dude in front of me kept shouting "Pleading for Preservation," which I knew wasn't going to happen, but at least they did play "How Could I." The last solo in that song is probably my all time favorite and it never fails to move me (no homo). They only played for about a half hour, but I'm not about to complain because any live Cynic is better than no live Cynic.


To my surprise quite a few people cleared out once Cynic's set was over. I, on the other hand and against my better judgement, decided to stay and watch some of Meshuggah's set. I really liked Meshuggah in high school, but once I grew out of liking shitty music I stopped listening to them. I really just wanted to hear "Future Breed Machine" which is the only Meshuggah song I know and admit to liking. Let me tell you, people REALLY like Meshuggah. The second they started playing the entire place went fucking nuts. I haven't seen that many retards moshing since E-Town Concrete's "farewell" show. Needless to say, I couldn't take much of those chodes so I decided to bounce after a couple songs. I should also mention that during Meshuggah's set I constantly kept looking over at this really hot girl standing across from me that looked like Amy Winehouse. She was rave dancing throughout their entire set. Before leaving I took a piss and there was a can of Budweiser and a turd floating in the toilet. I'm pretty sure I saw Lord Ezec AKA Danny Diablo enter the restroom as I was leaving.

Metal + Hip Hop. A Marriage Made In Heaven.

When people talk about landmark moments in the blending of metal and hip hop (or "rap" if you so desire), they often bring up the classic Anthrax tune "I'm The Man". Those with more metal pedigree will talk about Downset, Biohazard or the drum machine breakdown in the Atheist song "Earth." Others will talk about when Chris Barnes started to wear JNCO jeans, or Chuck Billy getting cornrows.


Those in the know will dig deeper. Yes, these examples are from two bands that many would not qualify as "metal" per se...but watch the videos below and you will see that these are incredibly important moments in musical history.

First, Paul Stanley raps to a littler person wearing a cape and guy on stilts while wearing a red leather jacket. Listen closely to hear him say "what be this". This song alone set back race relations in America a good 30 years.




The second example is from the Rush song "Roll The Bones". In order to connect with a young audience, Geddy and the boys hired a rapping skeleton from Toronto's booming hip hop scene to come down to the studio and spit some lines. Watch the skeleton keep time with his foot. He's one cool dude. If this doesn't show you how disconnected and white Canadians are, nothing will. *





*Sorry to any Canadian readers, but you know it's true.

Metal Inquisition Investigative Report: Metal Real Estate (Part 2)

This is part two of the investigative report by Metal Inquisition about real estate in the world of metal. Part one can be found here. With all the talk of sub-prime loans on the news, we felt it was only right to investigate how real estate affects the world of metal. In our last report we looked at the homes of such luminaries as Dave Mustaine, Glenn Danzig and Jason Newsted. Today we round up a whole new group. Sadly, I was unable to get any pictures of the depressing apartments that members of Carnivore live in these days. I was also unable to find any pictures of Mortiis' castle. Still, these are pretty good. Enjoy.

Vinnie Paul

Honestly, I thought Vinnie Paul would have a nicer home. This thing looks like a collection of barns and shipping containers that were thrown into a garbage heap. Then again, what else would you expect from a fat white dude from Texas? This is in Arlington Texas (part of Dallas), where I thought you'd be able to buy something a little nicer with the insurance money you made after having your brother shot. Oh, damn. That's a joke. Too soon still? Come on. Seriously, I thought having a Pearl signature snare drum (finished in sweet snake skin) would at least buy you something that looked halfway like a house, not this pile of white trash rubble.

Geezer Butler

Okay, so this house is in Beverly Hills...but when you compare it to Ozzy's house it makes you want to cry. Poor Geezer, not only is his name "Geezer", but this is all he can afford. The poor guy toured for years with Ronnie James Dio just to save up for a down payment, and this is all he got. He probably tells people that he owns it, but doesn't live in it. "Oh, it's just an investment property." Right, sure. See that small white building in the back behind the pool? That's where he keeps a punching bag that has Ozzy's face on it. He punches it for four hours every afternoon, and then collapses in tears. He ends up in the fetal position, which is how he falls asleep every night. He then wakes up in the morning, and the same thing happens all over again.

Ronnie James Dio

Speaking of Dio, this is his modest home in Studio City, California. Yup, this is where the inventor of "throwing the horns" lives. Again, comparing this to Ozzy's house is enough to make anyone cry. For that matter, compare it to Gene Simmons' house (from the first part of this report), the other guy who also claims to have invented throwing the horns. See that white truck in front of his house? Well, Ronnie is Italian (real name Ronald Padavona), and like any real Italian he keeps a bread delivery route. Look, it's hard work, but I bet you anything that it pays way more than touring with Dio. Mortgage payments don't make themselves you know.

Mike Portnoy

You know how Dream Theater is kinda' prog, but not really? Similarly, this house is kinda' like a McMansion, but not really. It's not even big enough. Like Dream Theater's musical output, the house barely inspires a "meh" response from those that drive by. Also, it's worth mentioning that the house is in Coopersburg Pennsylvania, a suburb of Allentown. Living in a suburb of Allentown is like being a wart on a wart. Do you see the trampolin off to the left? That's where Mike Portnoy practices jumping up and down after he hears that people in countries outside the US actually care at all about Dream Theater, or his awful side projects.


More homes to come in part 3.

Nitro's Michael Angelo Batio Shows Off His Guitar Chops. And His New Haircut.

Michael Angelo Batio from Nitro has to be one of the few people who actually looked better during the height of the glam 80's than he does now.

1. How do you even ask for a haircut like this? Do you ask to look like a Muppet?

2. His shirt with unnecessary buckles is rather impressive as well.

3. Love the sky-like backdrop curtain. Tasteful.

The video is kinda' long, so I understand if you don't want to watch all of it...but if you hang in there you'll get to see his super white teeth come out, thus increasing his Muppet like appearance. He also plays overhand towards the end. Your call.

When Prog Goes Wrong.

Sometimes, friends who know my appreciation for the musical genre commonly referred to as "prog" ask me questions about it. "What bands should I check out?", "Are all King Crimson albums that weird?", "Does technical death metal count at least partially as being prog?", "Why is the singer of Dream Theater wearing a leather vest?", "Why did Rick Wakeman of the band Yes do a concept album about the explosion of the Challenger space shuttle?" These are all common questions, but the one that most often comes up is "Is the band _______ prog?" Some may say that most prog bands barely fit under the "metal" umbrella, but in the spirit of covering all of our musical bases, let's delve deeper into the subject. To start, here are a few items on the prog check list that you should really look into before making a decision.

1. Does the band make concept albums, or primarily write about a certain subject or a continuing storyline?

2. Does the band perform entire albums live (in the same order as the studio recording)?

3. Do band members have an affinity for Tolkien's books, mythology, science or an aspect of technology in particular?

4. Are band members credited as playing more than one instrument, and if so are they multiple version of the same instrument (for example "four, six and eight string bass"). Do band members relish in playing more than one instrument at a time in live settings to further state the complexity of their music?

5. Are the band's songs too long, have interludes, or are they split up in a manner reminiscent of classical compositions? Is the term "Overture" used?

I think that if a band has at least three of these, you are looking at a prog band. But I'm here today to share with you a fine example of what happens when prog goes wrong. I'm talking about the band Persephone's Dream, a band that has all these characteristics and then some (including members that look like cult leaders, magicians, and renaissance fair attendees, multiple female singers, and a stage act that includes puppets.) They describe themselves this way:

Persephones Dream is capable of great extremes: heaviness and subtlety, the metrical complexity of prog and the rhythmic insistency of techno or industrial music, epic grandeur and pop melodicism.

If you listen to their music, and think any of the above statement is true, I'll buy you a cupcake. Holy lord almighty. Check out their site, or myspace page.

Ooops, Wrong Cynic + "Where are they now" Tony Choy edition

Apparently the guy booking the Wacken Open Air fest booked the wrong Cynic. He thought he was getting the Florida band with the fancy Jazz chops, but he got the newly reformed NWOBHM band Cynic. A band no one, except for the members' significant others, has ever heard of. Read all about it here.

Why am I posting this? Merely as an excuse to show you what Tony Choy (Cynic, Atheist, Pestilence) looks like now.


No, the "now" picture is not a joke. After his metal years, Tony Choy went on to be in the latino pop band Area 305 (their albums were put out by Univision's record label), as well as to do session work for Julio Iglesias and Juan Gabriel (insanely popular artists in the Spanish speaking market). He's also a latin techno DJ, producer and singer. You can make fun of him, but I'm sure he makes way more money and gets much hotter girls now as a result. Check out his myspace page here. Get ready to listen to his music. Oh my.

Little Girl Sings Along To Dream Theater, Entire World Gets Collectively Depressed As A Result

This is the sort of thing that happens when you live in places like Long Island, you make your daughter sing along to Dream Theater songs. She begins to sing about 20 seconds into the video.

Clearly the parent who did this thinks it's either funny or cool. It's not. It's depressing as all hell. If you're already such a douche that you actually like Dream Theater, don't pass that on to your kids. Come on! Haven't you read the lyrics to the Exodus song "Like Father Like Son"? This family should be investigated by the authorities.

Now, before pictures of me at the Megadeth/Dream Theater show just a couple of years ago begin to surface as proof that I don't totally hate the band, let me just say that....there are worse bands on earth. Just not that many.

John Williams eat your heart out- here comes Spastic Ink

If there's a nerdier genre of music than prog metal, I sure can't think of it. It combines the obnoxious snobbery of jazz with the subhuman, lowbrow, stupidity of heavy metal- like the delicious tastes of nuts and gum, together at last.

For example, this concept piece from Spastic Ink. Lots of bands write concept albums- for examples Nocturnus' legendary "The Key"- but usually they are about cool stuff like building a time machine so he band can go back in time to kill Jesus. But not Spastic Ink- this song is the score to a video of, uh, a cartoon mouse. They also have a song that is 8 minutes of the movie Bambi, but each of the characters is voiced by the guitars. So, uh, yeah...