T-Pain covering Angelwitch = biggest WTF of all time!

how does this even exist?

Introducing SLAMBURGLARS

I imagine the dudes in The Vandals tripped the fuck out when they heard Vin Diesel make an "Anarchyburger" joke in "XXX," because I think you naturally assume nobody other than your mom pays any attention to what you do. Our moms don't read this blog, so you can imagine my surprise when I discovered that not only was there a kid with a blog in England who is obviously a Sergeant D fan, and that I see crunkcore/BrokeNCYDE references in metal magazines/blogs all the time now. I also noticed that Last.fm's "wigger slam" tag had 40 users who made some nice additions to the description and genre artists.

One of these artists was a new band called Slamburglars. With song titles like "Straight Up Thuggin' (With Winds Of Plague And That Faggot From Waking The Cadaver)," "Get Crunk!!! Feat. Lil' Jon ," and "Behead Those Who Insult Slam (Metal Inquisition Don't Know Shit About Tha Wigga Slam)," clearly they have also read Metal Inquisition once or twice. Imitation being the sincerest form of flattery, I was sincerely flattered and figured we should interview them.

I left the spelling mistakes in his email intact to underscore the fact that he seems to be at least somewhat of an authentic wigger.

You are in a a joke wigger slam band, Slamburglars. Please tell us give us more details about how this "band" came to be, who is in it, etc. How does it compare to the world's original joke wigger slam band, New Yorkment? How about Frogkill?
We're a silly slam from Boston, MA. We consist of John Lucci (Crunkmeister 3000) on guttural exhales and gravity bong inhales, Connor Dunbar (Wiggerific Wiggerment) droppin 808 bass harder than bombs on Hiroshima, and Kyle Hagan (Slamboyant Goremasexual) on the six strings of steel and five knuckles of brass. I (John) have been into slam for a couple years, and I have appreciated New Yorkment’s comedic approach to making fun of the wiggers that have infested slam death metal. I am also pumped about the Frogkill dude’s new project, Impulsive Evisceration because his shits quality. Basicially, one night we got hella blazed and hella crunk and saw Composted live. After their set we changed our pants, went home, recorded a demo (The Carnivorous Butterflies Demo), then recorded an album (Hallucinogenic Hymns For The Morbidly Obese) the next weekend, and an ep (Decemberment) a month later. And then came the monstrosity that is… Cookie Monstrosity.

The production on your "album" is so atrocious that it would make 7 Minutes of Nausea weep with despair. In an era where you can get free software and dirt cheap hardware, what is your excuse? Don't you think the joke would have been funnier if the songs were actually listenable?
You see, if you want music that is actually funny and quality, listen to Composted. They are fucking hilarious and amazing musicians. If you want to piss off your grandpa and kill small rodents, blast The Slamburglars. We use the fucking horrendous sound quality to cover up the fact that we’re the 3 most untalented musicians on earth. And apparently we can’t hide it. Every day a different person posts “Worst band I have ever heard,” on our last.fm page. And one of our Japanese compadres, probably that dude from the Guttural Slamming Brutality Crew, said “Shitty faggotest on the last.fm. This Shit After hearing Brokencyde, Brokencyde looks to God.” I personally love brokenCYDE, so that might have been the greatest compliment I’ve ever gotten. But no matter how hard we try, we can never be as horrendous as Waking The Cadaver.

Nice to see that only 2 of the top 8 artists in the genre aren't jokes!

At first I thought you guys were probably teenage metalcore nerds because you referenced Bring Me the Horizon, Winds of Plague, Lil Jon/Brokencyde, and other things that old people usually don't know about (where "old" is defined as 25+). But when I can actually hear the music, it sounds like you have some pretty decent slam/goregrind riffing going on so now I'm not sure. Can you tell me a little more about who you guys are? If you want to be "in character" and answer with a bunch of wiggerish nonsense, you can, but it won't be all that funny so I'd rather you didn't.
Well that’s really not us in character. All three of us are straight up blunt passin’, 40-drinkin’ wiggers. I think it’s impossible to be as unintelligent as we pretend to be, but we honestly like hip-hop as much as slam death, just like John Gallagher. If you look at music as just music, I don’t mind some brutal deathcore, and there’s a lot of shitty slam like the Slamburglars, but honestly, listen to the slam in “Blindfold Surgery” by Abominable Putridity and you will realize that there is nothing heavier than a straight up slam. We love that shit, and this band is a failed attempt at ripping-off/bringing that brutality, while throwing some lulz in there. The sole purpose of this band is pretty much for me to start fights over myspace.

"shitty faggotest on the last.fm. This Shit After hearing Brokencyde, Brokencyde looks to God."

There are many regional styles of wigger slam: Texas, Russia, New York, Japan, etc. Which one is the most inspirational to you and why?
EAST COAST SLAM, FO LIFE. In the local New England area we have some quality slam bands. Parasitic Extirpation, Dysentery, Composted, Eternal Suffering (whom I stole “East Coast Slam” from), that crew. But the United States puts out some of the shittiest slam out there. Honestly… Christian Slam? The Slamming Goregroove of Drowining In Phemaldehyde and Guttural Engorgement blew, but now Mark Lawls has to spoil our scene with Empty Tomb, his new Christian Slam band. Fuck Christianity. Fuck Open Mindedness. You want some quality slam? Go to the Czech Republic or Russia. I guess being formerly dominated by authoritarian Communism gets you wicked pissed, and when you’re wicked pissed you make brutal fucking slam.

One of your songs is entitled "Behead Those Who Insult Slam (Metal Inquisition Don't Know Shit About Tha Wigga Slam)." Can you tell me what this song is about? What made you think it would be funny to call it "wigga" slam?
That was just to piss off Sergeant D. That mofo actuially knows his shit, but anyone who confuses deathcore and wigger slam don’t know shit about tha wigga slam. And replacing “er” with “a” is a common practice in Ebonics, so I chose to embrace my full wiggerificness and exploit African-American culture, as all good wiggers do.

The REAL Big Chocolate

As the first band to put a bass drop into a slam riff (on "Pierced From Within"), Suffocation could arguably be credited as the inventors of wigger slam. Yet they also have brothers in the band. What do you make of this?
Suffocation and Composted are the only wigger slam bands that I know that are actually partially comprised of brothers. Is slam the new hippity-hoppity trend? Only time will tell…

Suicide Silence get butthurt about being called deathcore, I wonder how stangry they would be about being tagged "wigger slam"?

The guys over at Metal Sucks are old and out of touch. They don't see the difference between deathcore and wigger slam. I'm sure you'll agree that, say, Suicide Silence and Infernal Revulsion couldn't be more different, so can you explain it to them here, just so they know?
I could write a fucking book about this topic. Deathcore is death metal influenced metalcore. Metalcore fans are sissies (obviously) therefore deathcore fans are sissies. Wigger Slam is wigger influenced Slam Death Metal. Wiggers are sissies (obviously) but they steal parts of African-American culture in an attempt to hide that fact. They must not know shit about music. Deathcore is centered around “breakdowns”, which are generally mono-tone staccato patterns of sixteenth notes, showing rhythmic variation contrary to melodic variation. Wigger Slam is centered around “slams”, which are simplified breakdowns which usually consist of a combination of quarter notes and eighth notes and usually only utilize the first 4 frets of the guitar. Old-school style slams, such as those of Dying Fetus, Soils of Fate, and Internal Bleeding, often have melody and sometimes are in major keys. If you still don’t get it, then you should just go join Waking The Cadaver.

I am sure no girls read this blog, much less any scene girls. But if you a scene girl and you happen to read this, please email me and include a) n00dz and b) contact information.

On that note, you also have a song called "Deathcore Megawhore." Who is this about, and how can I contact her? Please tell me it is the girl who models the Winds of Plague booty shorts!
I fap to that picture daily. I wish that our band was famous enough to have eyecandy… I mean a “keyboardist” like Kristen Randall. Oh the things that I would do to her… But yeah, that songs about some bitch I hooked up with who liked Bring Me The Horizon but couldn’t get into Down From The Wound.

You guys are apparently avid readers of Metal Inquisition. What are some of your favorite posts, and why? (This is the part where you stroke our egos)
I would stoke more than just Sergeant D’s ego.

That's all I have, is there anything you would like to add? Thanks!
Yo homie, could you add in this html code down the bottom? Thanks.

Download The New Slamburglars Album "Cookie Monstrosity"

Alternate Download Link

Every empire has its downfall

On September 4th, 476 A.D., the Roman Empire officially began to fall. On that day the last Western Roman Emperor was deposed, which kicked off the Dark Ages. Though this may all seem like useless history to most of us (although I'm sure Joey DeMaio would find it fascinating as a result of all the tight shorts, and oiled male bodies involved), there is a reason why I'm bringing it up. As the title of this post suggests, all empires rise, peak and eventually fall. This is true of musical empires and monopolies.

Although some of our readers may disagree, the United States and Europe have long been the driving force of metal since its beginnings. Having been born in South America, I'm well aware of the worthwhile developments in metal that have gone on outside Europe and the USA, but to be honest, most of these advances were themselves inspired by American or Euro metal. Tankard, Savatage, Doro Pesch, Nocturnus...these are all Euro/American products. As such, the dominance of the west can't be denied.

What am I driving at here? The potential fall of the Euro/American metal empire. Surely many have seen this coming. Some metal historians, in fact, now argue that this fall began long ago. Through carbon dating-like techniques, scientists can get fairly accurate readings as to when metal began to decline, but there is still some controversy about this subject. Some say it began when Scott Ian shaved his head, some say it's when Anthrax stopped wearing shorts. Others say it all ended along with Cliff Burton. Whichever way you choose to see it, we are currently living through the official decline of the western world's stronghold on metal.

While archeologists use carbon-14 dating to figure out how old an artifact is, metal historians and archeologists use the less popular, but similarly accurate Ian-Scale to date metal output. One must merely see how far along Scott Ian was into turning into a complete douche in order to date a piece of metal history. Was he partially balding when said event happened? Had he shaved his head yet? Did he have facial hair? If the event or metal album in question came after Scott shaved his head, it was officially produced after the decline of western metal. This gets into another topic, which I will post about very soon...when metal jumped the shark. But let's not get into that now.

You see, American innovation (like the economy) is down. American bands have turned into tribute acts, merely rehashing thrash of the 80's as irony, unlike South American and (some) Asian bands who do the same thing without knowing its hilarious. What Africa and the Middle East have in store for us we have yet to see. The metal population in these places (developing economies) are more arduous about their love for metal, and mostly lack irony. Irony, by the way, is the end of metal. If you become self-aware, you can't be metal. Why? Because you'd all of a sudden look down at your sweat pant-like jeans and go "What the fuck? Why am I wearing patches on my sweatpants...come to think of it, why am I wearing these awful, sweatpant-like jeans at all? Jesus!"

No irony here, just pure metal. I wonder where they can still find white high-top sneakers.

Look, the fact is that Euro/American metal is collectively asleep at the wheel, while other regions in the world continue to innovate. This is happening in the world of cars also. Who would have thought that Tata Motors (from India) would own Jaguar one day, and be slowly moving to being one of the largest auto manufacturers? You see, these people are hungry for innovation, and they will fight through economic hardship in a way that Euro/Americans no longer want to. So let's get down to business. Who should we fear as possibly stealing the metal crown? Is it South America, with the lively thrash scene? Perhaps Central America with its emrging black metal scene (I'm making this up.) How about metal upstarts in the Philippines. Oh yes. The best of both worlds. Latino-sounding last names and skin color, asian faces, a link to Death Angel..they have it all. Need proof? Please watch the video below, and note the gusto, and pride that these youngsters take in jammin' out to a horrible Metallica song (The Unforgiven.) I know that there are far more metal songs in the world than anything by Metallica ever did, but give it a chance. Unphazed by their lack of talent, or economic means, these guys plow ahead in an environment that most American bands would consider deadly. Watching this video reminded me of my upbringing in South America...bad plastic chairs, stray dogs, bad flip flops, it's all there. But that stuff is unimportant. Look at the commitment that these guys have, and compare it to the spoiled American fatsos who plays riffs on their seven-string guitars on YouTube. This, my friends, is sign of the metal empire shifting. It's time. Get ready. Metal's new kings will NOT wear leather chaps and furry armor (like Manowar), they will wear flip flops, shorts and stained t-shirts.

Manowar represents the old way of doing things. There's a new metal-Sheriff in town...and that Sheriff is wearing flip flops.

Before watching (at the bottom), please note the following:


While many American and European metalers would hide their love for metal in a family reunion, these guys are proud enough to play in their uncles 42nd birthday party. Think about that, most American kids aren't even allowed to wear metal shirts to family events...but these guys are proudly letting their metal flag fly.






While many Euro bands would simply cancel their performance at their uncle's birthday party if it were to rain, these guys went ahead and built themselves a makeshift tent just in case. Did they use proper materials to build said tent? Hell no! This is metal!





American metal fans would never be caught dead wearing shorts and flip flops during a performance, taking a cue from the likes of Anthrax, these guys take a relaxed approach to metal. They don't worry about theatrics, but choose instead to focus on the basics. Rock out.





While hip-hop artists in the U.S. often throw wads up cash up in the air "making it rain" to show their blah-like attitude regarding money (glam and hair metal had a similar approach to money in the 80s), the individuals in this video take a decidedly conservative approach in comparison. Here we see one guy flashing half of a dollar bill with intense pride. While some may mock this, it is precisely this type of thrifty attitude that will make their metal scene thrive. While American counterparts are throwing money away on McDonalds fries, EMG active pick-ups, china cymbals, gongs, corpsepaint, ironic vests and bandanas....these guys are saving up their half-dollars to buy low-end BC Rich Warlocks by the dozen. Now who's laughing?





Taking your bass to the local airbrush shop to get a custom paint job is NOT metal. Making a stencil of James and Lars' faces yourself IS metal. What will he do with the money he saved? I don't know, but whatever he does will be way more metal than anything any so called "metal head" would do in Europe or the U.S. Oh by the way, note that his bass matches his sweet shorts.