Monday, August 31, 2009

Hail to Spain, Hail to the Vuelta a España

In my ongoing effort to make people see how cycling is very metal, I've created yet another fake Mayhem record cover. This one features an image that was sent in by one of our readers. In case you're wondering, the badly translated name of this album is "this dude fell during a crit, and his bloody knuckles messed up his SRAM shifters." I ran it through an online Norwegian translator to make it even more kvlt. I know what you're thinking, I could have used one of those pictures of Jens Voigt after his crash..but that would be tasteless. I got to shake his hand and fawn over him this summer in now we are like best budz, and I won't do that to the man. Still, a reader requested here it goes. The name of this album is "Jens Voigt busted his god damned face." If you don't get why these images are funny, perhaps you've never seen the original Mayhem record cover...or perhaps you think my sense of humor is horrible. I would certainly understand that too.

Okay, this is the official beginning of the post:

This past weekend, I found myself at a rather pleasant ice cream shop with Mrs. Lucho Metales and fellow MI staffer Gene Hoglan's Balls. Aside from being known for their delicious ice cream, this place is also known for having highly unusual toppings such as bacon, wasabi peas and salmon. Although I doubt that anyone actually gets these toppings, since they would probably taste horrible with any ice cream, the mere idea of it certainly ads to the charm of the place. When selling an out-of-town guest on the idea of going there, I'll say "they have great ice cream, and you can get wacky toppings like bacon." Friends are usually revolted by the idea, but then will say "sounds cool, let's go." Similarly, I know that many find the posts that have anything to do with cycling on this blog to be a bit like the bacon topping. Most of you dislike the mere idea of it...but I hope that they add to the charm of the place. Also, what else am I going to post about? Tom G. Warrior's appendectomy?

So why a post with a cycling picture? Because the Vuelta A España started on Saturday, the last of the three Grand Tours of cycling. On the one hand, this is sad news, because it means that the summer (and the pro cycling season) is almost over. On the other hand, it means that my Dark Angel and Celtic Frost long sleeve shirts will be making their first official appearances this year....a real highlight for me, and all the ladies in town who are no doubt amazed by my fashion sense. It also means I'll get to ride wearing those ridiculous lobster gloves, and will thus get made fun of some more by strangers. Still, this all gives us the opportunity to take a closer look at Spain's metal output once again...and no, I'm not just going to write about Baron Rojo and their receding hairlines. Like punching a baby in the face, it's just way too easy.

I'm also not going to make stupid cycling/music references that only two people in the world will get...that would be retarded. For example, I will NOT be pointing out how the drummer in Earth Crisis looks exactly like America's cycling semi-sensation Christian Vande Velde.

But seriously...don't they look exactly alike? They even have similar Coco Puff-like moles on their general nose areas. But anyway...what I'm here to do is to once again look at Spain's metal output, and I do mean look, since I'm certainly not going to take the time to listen to any of these horrible bands.

What's the difference between this guy and the pile of dog shit he unknowingly just sat on?

The ill fitting t-shirt.

*As one of our readers pointed out...please notice the horribly stretched-out neck on this guy's t-shirt. Disgusting. Does he think he's in Flashdance?

Is this his best attempt at a cool metal pose for the picture on their album? No, this is the face you make, and the pose you hold when your venereal warts flare up.

Just look at his face, he knows that simply hitting that first chord in The Final Countdown can bring entire nations to their don't test him! He has a Korg X5D keyboard, and the sheet music to the entire Europe catalog...and he's NOT afraid to use it!

Inspired by the likes of Lacuna Coil, all young European bands are now forcing their nearly-attractive female cousins to join their bands. Due to a continent-wide shortage of Valtrex, these young women are often kept as slaves, and forced to sing for these bands in exchange for little more than a single dosage of the herpes medicine. On an unrelated note, please note the sweet eye make up on the guitar player. Alice Cooper? Juggalo? Black metal fan? We'll never know.

The all-brown outfit makes him look like the last shit I took. Check out his cigarrette, and the fact that he not only brought out his guitar, but also his guitar stand for this picture. This guy's middle name is: Commitment. His last name? That's easy: CreepyEuroRapist.

Speaking of creepy euro rapists...Andoni's hobbies include: polishing his throbbing, red, phallic guitar, and asking "you want to make sexy with me?" to unsuspecting American tourists. If said tourists respond with "no..get away from me you creepy euro", his hobbies will also include chasing them into their hostel and trying to seduce them by playing Joe Satriani riffs.

This is Juan's patented "I'm casting a spell on you" pose. Why do I get the sneaking suspicion that if these guys sang in English, the word "thrice" would be included somewhere in their lyrics? As in : "The fair maiden cast her spell upon me, not twice but thriiiice!"
Lastly, can you imagine how disappointed you must be as a parent when your son comes home wearing a fucking pirate shirt like this one? The day he wore this home for the first time after buying it at the goth/pirate/s&m shop, his parents probably exhaled with extreme sadness and said "we'll be in our bedroom...awaiting the sweet release of death."

The upside of starting a band in a small town in Spain is that you will be an instant demi-star within the local scene. The downside is that there is a lack of musicians to choose from. It's for that reason that you'll always end up having to ask the local janitor with a slight case of cerebral palsy to join the band. What other choice do you have? He's the only guy in town who owns a drumset! So what if he drools while he does a wicked blastbeat? Hey, you have to break at least one egg to make an omelet.

Nothing, and I do mean NOTHING says "extreme metal power" like practicing Pantera riffs through a Peavy practice amp with a 10" speaker.

Apparently, being insanely unatractive while tucking in your shirt and pulling your pants up until your genitalia burns in agony is not just for members of Mythic anymore.

An unrelated example of the same look, which we here at MI lovingly refer to as "Metal Mama" Jeans


  1. the real fashion crime is that she's wearing the t-shirt of a record label. Who does that?

  2. Is "George Satriani" the cheap euro version of Joe?

  3. This year´s vuelta is going to very hard, the second week of the vuelta has so many mountains to climb that some riders are alredy shitting themselves!
    good pics of Fear crowd hahaha . Hailz from Spain!!

  4. Bike....i mean Lucho, do you ride a fixed gear?
    i bet you do, with a colour (i live in a proper English speaking country with the U where it shoud be) coordianted colourway? Red Aerospkes, black frame, red Oury's?
    Do you rock the streets brakeless? I bet you do, aesthetics before function at all costs!

  5. no, no, no. no fixed gear/track bike/tarck bike for me.

  6. Add a shotgun next to Jens Voigt in that pic and you have Morbid's infamous picture!
    How can you think posing with your keyboard makes you look metal? Only a power metal band can think keyboards are metal.
    I'm sure the thing that disturbs you the most, Lucho, about the Edguy's guy pic is how big the neck of that t-shirt is.

  7. On a somewhat related note, I ran into Mayhem's new guitarist (well, one of their new guitarists, they needed two guys to replace the great Blasphemer)...anyways, I asked the dude if he was the new Mayhem guitarist, he fully denied it, yet a bunch of people around him confirmed that he was full of shit (and he's indeed that new French guitarist, even his friend said it was him during the evening). Too bad he's such a dick, I used to love Mayhem...

    No Blasphemer + No Maniac = No Mayhem

  8. the size of that neck is disturbing!!! how can people wear that crap? it looks like one of those 80s sweaters from Flashdance.

    I'm gonna make the jens voigt/shotgun photoshop right now!!!

  9. The "local janitor" dude looks just like Sam Kinison in back to school!

    "Good teacher, he really seems to care. About what I have no idea"

  10. I forgot about the butcher knife in the picture! How could I??

  11. How did you miss that the first creepy Euro rapist's name is Kike?

  12. The end of the season, the end of summer... that just bummed me the fuck out! Wait, the local janitor picture just bummed me out more. FUCK THIS!

    I love the flash burn in Andoni's shot... nice!

    Tucked in Sepultura tee=LULZ.

    Oh, and Anonymous@7:30, Lucho riding a fixie would be like the CroMags doing a ballad. It would just be wrong and it's never gonna happen.

  13. god bless my brother for stepping up and protecting my pride and image.

    i too forgot about the knife when creating the fake Mayhem record cover.

    As far as his name being "Kike", I read it in spanish (since I'm a native speaker) and read it as "kee-keh"...rather than as they anti-semitic slur. either way...its funny.

  14. Pants up or not, MYTHIC are still hot! I want to do a side project with them, and possibly marry all members of the band ;-)

  15. Funny that grist points out "Kike" as funny, here it's a very common name amongst the youth.
    Amazing "piece", as always :)

  16. Lucho! awesome piece! you finally used my "small amp metal" reference as a tag!! Im honored.

    No Euronymous + No Dead = No Mayhem

    If only the keyboard guy had that sweet face make up on 1 eye...

  17. I'm not sure how well the whole argyle thing would go over, but Slipstream isn't the worst name for a metal band. Vande Velde on drums, Wiggins on lead vocals, Pate and Millar on guitars and Hesjedal on bass.

  18. If Slipstream was be a band, Tyler Ferrar would HAVE to be the drummer. Cuz he's so fast. Haha!

  19. Damn the high waist jeans! I hate this type of pants, always gives me the "Napoleon Bonaparte" vibe.
    And why girls still insist wearing black lipstick? It's not sexy, nor flattering.

  20. The door in the background suggests that Extreme Metal Power™ guy is on break from his gig washing dishes at some banquet hall/convention centre

  21. yyz113: haha! how did i miss that door? looks like he's the cook on a cruise ship!

  22. That last picture is a screenshot from the movie Death Metal Zombies! I win!
    You guys should write about that movie, it is legendary in my book. Holy shit, that 3 man mosh pit in the garage, the acting! it is all coming back to me now...

  23. Death Metal Zombies post I did last year. Hardly anyone commented. boooo.


    Savage...the small-amp metal label had to be created! thank you for the suggestion!

  24. Oh yeah, I remeber that post!
    What kind of pathetic poser hasn't seen that movie.
    I remember being all excited like "Oh wow, a movie with death metal AND zombies!?!?!?!" and then I watched it. I had to take several half hour breaks during the movie. Have you seen that Necrophagia EP/music video/interview about Cannibal Holocaust? Man, Phil really shreds in that video.

    Chainsaw lust:
    Maggots crawling in her cunt
    I just love to lick that shit
    -like a proper english Sarcofago

  25. quote: Oh, and Anonymous@7:30, Lucho riding a fixie would be like the CroMags doing a ballad. It would just be wrong and it's never gonna happen.


  26. Christian Vande Velde hahaha. I went to school with him in Lemont, IL. His family lives right by my best friend. Odd to find his name on this site.

  27. Actually, Cro-Mags already did a ballad in 1989. Its called "The Only One".

  28. Anonymous 8:20am:

    Tell us (or at least tell me) about Vande Velde in high school! Saw his one high school picture and he looked a bit Vanilla Ice-like. Do tell!

  29. Regarding Cro-Mags...Best Wishes barely counts as a Cro-Mags album. Come on now...

  30. So, will the Laurent Fignon tag be used every time bicycle racing comes up? I guess that's as good as just saying "bicycle racing."

  31. HAHAHA, come on! that was funny! also...Oh!my!fucking!god! I forgot how damn funny this fucking shit is:

    Seriously, Cro-Mags need a piece on here Lucho. Maybe that's a task for Sarge.

  32. Laurent Fignon's haircut, along with Robert Millar's were some of the early collabo's between metal and cycling. Robert Millar seriously looked exactly like Geddy Lee for a few years.

    That Cro-Mags video and song are both insane. Never has a band self-destructed in such an amazing and unbelievable way. To me, they were so insanely good...but the way they went down was just nuts. John Joseph's book says it all, even though some of it may be pure BS. The sarge has a great story about seeing the Cro-Mags once (sans John Joseph...duh) and Harley had either a pierced nipple or belly button...with a gold hoop. which he rocked while wearing leather pants. it bummed everyone out.

  33. Lucho Metales said...

    Anonymous 8:20am:

    Tell us (or at least tell me) about Vande Velde in high school! Saw his one high school picture and he looked a bit Vanilla Ice-like. Do tell!
    Well you nailed it. Vanilla Ice look is correct.I do recall him wearing a track suit a time or two.

  34. I remember Fignon's pony tail well. IIRC some blame it for creating enough drag that he lost the Tour to Greg Lemond.

    BTW all the Mayhem photoshops are golden.

  35. 'ask the local janitor with a slight case of cerebral palsy to join the band.'

    Fried Gold.

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