Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Images from around the interweb

Here we see two of our summer interns (Emily and Alberto) from UC Davis doing research for this post. Good luck this fall semester guys!

As we have done before, today we are once again taking you around the world, the world of the internet, via images that we have found during our travels through the real world and through cyberspace. Join us, wont you?

The last time I was in Belgium, I saw a poster which led me to believe that Nocturnus was playing that night. Needless to say, I was surprised and excited by the prospect of getting to see one of my favorite time-travel themed death metal bands from the early 90s. I went back to my hotel room (I don't stay in Hostels, because I'm not a teenager and I have a job), and changed into my death metal show attire. Imagine my surprise when I showed up and realized that I was in some kind of fruit-boot festival. As far as the eye can see, euros wearing rollerblades were busting out sick tricks, like the ones from the movie Airborne (an MI favorite)...needless to say, I was both sad and disgusted. I went around asking these stupid teenagers if they even had any theories about time travel or spaceships. Sadly, they didn't.

Can you imagine how hard it is for his wife to cry herself to sleep every night after she realizes that this is the man she married? Having said that...sweet pants and bandana combo bro!

Perhaps you've seen this amazing Nocturnus cover, I know I have since I have the original artwork framed in my living room. Anyway, the other day a friend of mine who went to art school was over and noticed some incredible flaws in this masterpiece. I know, I know, it's hard to believe since Mike Browning has the Midas touch. Be that as it may, the image above includes lines that were rendered by very a sophisticated computer program. This image shows the many conflicting perspectives within the painting. The conclusion? Either this thing was painted by a drunken four year old, or Mike Browning just discovered some kind of sixth dimension...and we're all too fucking stupid to get it. Is he a visual pioneer like architect Peter Eisenman, who almost singlehandedly brought deconstructivism to the architectural forefront? Your make the call.

"Fuck Travis! I specifically told you NOT to change the speed on the fan to "turbo" until we started playing 'Winds Of Sickness'! The fan is part of our stage show, it's not a fucking toy! "

That nights performance was putrid, as were all the others during their four day tour of southern Illinois.

Is he casting a spell on me? Will the spell make my hair and face as greasy as his for the rest of my life?

Is he casting another spell on me? If I allow him to cast a spell on me, will he give me his magic cape? Maybe he's not casting a spell on me at all...maybe he's just saying "smell my fingers"...and maybe the guy on the left is making that face because he just did.

Being the singer in a Mexican atmospheric black metal band is not all fun and games. First, your drummer tells you that you have to help him load in his 84 piece drumkit, most of which he bought used at the Queensryche garage sale. Then, you suddenly remember that you forgot to bring the flour tortillas you made for the band to eat before the show. ¡Ay dios mio!

When these people were born, their parents were full of hope, and dreamed of their sons and daughters going on to live full and happy lives. By the time this picture was taken, their parents' spirits had surely been broken. They know and understand that their kids turned out to be fat pathetic shut-ins. As a result, they barely cry themselves to sleep anymore.

Most black metal bands speak about evil and darkness, and that's all fine and good...but this is a band's whose message I can truly get behind. As you can see in this picture, the singer is denouncing the low aesthetic values of dropped ceilings, a message I think we can all get behind.

When anyone is trying to act super evil, there's always some mexican dude who just wants to drink some Bud and give the camera the finger. Here at Metal Inquisition, we love that Mexican dude. I mean, honestly...who would you rather hang out with? The black metal guy just wants to show you his picture disc collection, play Burzum videos for you, and brag about how he knows the guy that writes the music reviews in On the other hand, the Mexican dude knows the hot girl at the taco stand, he does a killer Al Pacino impression, he owns all the Fast And The Furious movies for PSP, he works at Pac Sun and can get you a discount...and his brother does landscaping work for super cheap. Who would you rather hang out with? Your call.

Monday, September 28, 2009

Another spinoff

Much in the way that the original Saved By The Bell brought us Saved By The Bell, The College Years, Metal Inquisition is now producing yet another spinoff. Not content with having to limit my cycling content to mere pictures of bloodied men wearing lycra, I have decided to start my own forum for such non-metal content. Look, I fully understand that most (if not all) of you have no interest in men with shaved legs wearing colorful jerseys that are skin tight...and really, who can blame you?

Although I don't believe that my predilection for this unusual sport has tainted my work here at MI, I do believe I stand a better chance of getting free crap by starting another blog purely devoted to cycling. Okay, I'm kinda' joking about getting free stuff. Anyway, this new blog's name is (drumroll please) Cycling Inquisition. I know, I's an insanely lame name for a blog. I couldn't think of anything else, and thought I could greatly benefit from the brand equity that we have created here at MI. Much like Billy Milano decided to name his band MOD after having been in SOD...I have decided to rip off the blog's name. I'm the Billy Milano of the blog world...ehhhh...lame. Please don't point out how the name doesn't make any sense, because I know it doesn't. I just couldn't think of anything else. Although I guess it kinda' makes sense...if you assume that I want to convert the entire world into cyclists or cycling fans...which is not true at all...since I couldn't possibly care less. Still, if any of you have a better name, tell me and I'll gladly change it.

So, like a phoenix rising from the ashes, I shall be reborn and hope to bring the very few who may follow me some amusing content. Needless to say, I'm not leaving MI at all. Metal is in my blood, and I can never turn my back from it. As such, I will do double duties and attempt to bring the world even more of my hilarious insight...the type of insight and commentary that keeps you all coming back. Cheers.

Friday, September 25, 2009

Warbringer's balls don't smell, and they like Sacred Reich

I recently made fun of Municipal Waste in Terrorizer for banging my ex and having smelly balls, among other things (read it here). I also called them phonies who tried too hard, along with other neo-thrash bands like Toxic Holocaust and Warbringer. It turns out that I may have painted with a brush that was a bit too broad (would hardly be the first time). Several people who I respect emailed or IMd me and said, "Bro, you fucked up, bro. Warbringer are the real deal, they're legit bros, bro," so I started to think I had made a mistake. I was still skeptical, though- I rarely make a false poser-accusation. I figured a good way to find out would be to go directly to the source and run them through a battery of tests.

In the interest of full disclosure, I should note that Century Media owns a controlling stake in Metal Inquisition, with Decibel/Red Flag Media's shares rounding out the mix.

They were game, so we asked Warbringer to watch the following videos and rate each one as follows:
  • Is the band True or False, and why? Think about all the dimensions of their personal brands: the music itself, their image, what you think they do for a day job, what their fans are like, and if the people in the band are fat. Say a little bit about your thoughts on each video (a few sentences/a paragraph).
  • Choose two finalists from the pool, one band who is The Truest and one who is The Most False and say a little bit about why you chose them.
Here is what they had to say:

Forced Entry "Bludgeon"
Hell yeah! This rules! Sweet headbanging rhythms and nice lil solo near the beginning. There's a lot of random stuff going on in this video... it has a guy grabbing a rifle and getting ready to shoot something out the window, then someone jumps into a swimming pool with a guitar and more random havoc intercut with relentless live and rehearsal performances. Forced Entry are an underrated band, probably due to being overshadowed by the Seattle grunge bands. Seattle actually had a lot of good metal bands around that time like these guys, Metal Church, Bitter End, Sanctuary, Panic and more. Definitely true!

Nitro "Freight Train"
Not only does Michael Angelo Batio's guitar have 4 necks, but it descends apparently from the realms of the beyond into his hands for ultimate ridiculous shred. Jim Gillette apparently used to shatter glass with his falsettos too. Also he has a palm tree growing from his head, which he displays proudly here. This had got to be some of the biggest hair of any hair band - can it be real? And this guy eventually hooked up with Lita Ford and is now some hulked-up MMA guy. This wins due to complete over-the-top factor, being more over-the-top than just about anything ever.

Burn Halo "Dirty Girl"
This is the new band from 18 Visions' singer. I hadn't heard of this band, and don't really know 18 Visions either, but looking at the video this is quite a departure from what I know of that. This seems pretty manufactured, and pretty uninteresting. It's kind of along the lines of corporate cock rock aiming to get some radio play. The guys in the band all make "look at me" faces the whole time. At least there are some babes in the video, I guess. False.

Prong "Snap Your Fingers, Snap Your Neck"
This song is a classic for its time. I could imagine some gothy looking stripper dancing to this song, it would work I think. Don't know what to say about Tommy Victor's mesh shirt and pleather pants thing, hard to say why that would be. But here all is well, and pretty badass. At around 30 seconds- "Catch the ball next week with Alice in Chains at its new time at midnight!"

A Day To Remember "Downfall of Us All"
Can't say I like this at all. I had never heard of happy hardcore in this context before. Judging by this I don't think it's such a great idea either. The mosh parts don't seem like such a juxtaposition because even those parts sound happy and uplifting somehow. The whole thing sounds like they could easily be singing about Jesus, and that I just can't get behind. False.

Sacred Reich "Independent"
Ok now we are talkin! This song is pretty badass. We toured with these guys a little bit in Europe this summer and they were all rad dudes. The video is pretty much a lot of shots of them, playing metal and being badasses, and all these motivational messages that flash across the screen. This is fine though, as one of them near the beginning just says "YOU RULE!". Allrighhht!

Hollywood Undead "No. 5"
This video was directed by Jonas Akerlund, the original drummer for Bathory, eh? That is a fucking bummer. Well, regardless, this is a good example of white dudes totally sucking at being rappers. Oh well, at least we can get a fucking robot to sing the chorus for us! Robots are pitch-perfect! Marvel at its digitized sheen! False.

Emmure "Sound Wave Superior"
Whoa, this is fucking gay! I had never heard this band before, but if this is widely hated, it must be because many people have functioning ears. The wiggerness doesnt help get them out of the suck sector either. And whoa... now the singer (maybe its just the hoodie that makes him look chunky?) is in bed with all these hot chicks, and he looks really out of place. Also the whole song is a chugging breakdown. The whole song! Is falling asleep brutal? False!!

Wasted Youth "Good Day For A Hanging"
Classic old-school L.A. punk/hardcore. I definitely know the name. This features the guitarist in Velver Revolver and the drummer from Queens of the Stone Age but there are no sonic connections between those bands. Wasted Youth is better than either I think. Lots of moshing and playing drums on rooftops, playing a backyard party and badassery like that. I give a hearty thumbs up.

Blessed By A Broken Heart "Mic Skillz 2"
This is clearly a joke, very silly stuff here. "Go ninja, go ninja, go!' So while I can't really give it a stamp of trueness it is one of the more entertaining videos on here to watch. The video is just going for the over-the top angle and the song itself is ridiculous part after ridiculous part, so I guess it at least succeeds at being ridiculous. Shredding is good though!

Evildead "Annilhilation of Civilization"
Fucking awesome thrash! These guys were from L.A. and underrated. Guitarist Juan Garcia is alone true as he's been in so many good bands like Abattoir and Agent Steel and is still always playing around. The band is dressed like a fucking metal band, with the exception of the neon colored red hot chili peppers shirt. But that is ok. Then there is starving children, all kinds of creatures being brutally murdered, AIDS, and all kinds of horrible stuff. Then at the end there's some politicians. Those bastards! Look what they've done! True!

Winds of Plague "The Impaler"
This is probably a little more wigger than Emmure, it looks like a rap video basically. The music is a little better though, as once in a while the guitars are doing some not-chugging. Then it shifts from being in the club to being on a field of skulls, which is a clear improvement. Unfortunately then they decide to break it down for reals at this time, and that is a clear not-improvement. Pretty false I'd say.

The verdicts
For truest I would have to give it to Evildead, just for having probably the coolest song on here. Riffs and headbanging will always prevail.

For lamest it would be a split tie between Emmure, for trying so very hard to look tough, or Hollywood Undead, who rap about myspace and other such things.


Closing thoughts from Sergeant D
It's too bad they don't like any new bands like A Day to Remember, but the fact that they even know who fucking Bitter End are makes them OK in my book! And if they are into Dumt then I will erect a shrine in their honor.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

90s power violence: A handful of diamonds in a sea of shit

Imagine you are kneeling in front of a bathtub, and it is filled to the brim with human shit. You're elbow-deep, fishing around in it because you heard there were half a dozen diamonds in this giant container of feces. This is what it would be like to sift through the glut of so-called power violence records that came out in the 90s: almost the entire genre is the worst kind of generic garbage, with a handful of releases rising to the top. Sounds like a waste of time, right? Not so fast: The good stuff is so, so good that it is better than almost anything ever recorded in any genre (if you have heard "Downsided" you know what I'm talking about). Fortunately for those of you who aren't as familiar with the genre as I (regrettably) am, we're here to help.

If you've ever felt like digging into power violence but don't know where to start, this is your download/shopping list. This isn't an MP3 blog, but all this stuff is easy to find on Google Blog Search.

Sarge, you fucking asshole/poser/hipster/homo, this isn't metal
First of all, I hate the term "power violence," but I'll use it because I can't think of anything better and it gets the point across.

I know how angry it makes you jerks when I post about anything that isn't fucking Iron Maiden or whatever, so maybe you are getting butthurt about this post. Maybe you are thinking, "We don't want to read about these dumb hardcore bands from 15 years ago, we want to see pictures of Charlie Benante's spoon collection." If that's what you're thinking, I actually agree with you, and I would post them if I had any, but I don't. So you'll have to settle for this.

Excruciating Terror: Punk as fuck, right? You can tell by the Cypress Hill shirt.

Anyway, a lot of people now think of this stuff as "old school hardcore," but it certainly wasn't seen that way at the time and probably shouldn't be now. Most of the people in the bands and running the labels were sleazy dudes with long hair, Slayer shirts, and meth habits- metal as shit! It's probably hard for any youngsters reading this to imagine it, but in 1992, it definitely wasn't cool to wear Slayer or Metallica shirts to hardcore shows. Hardcore kids have only been seriously jocking metal for maybe 5-7 years- Skullkrusher and I went to a Youth of Today reunion show in 1998 or so wearing Anthrax and King Diamond shirts; we got LOTS of funny looks.

Where are they now: Chris from Apartment 213/Ringworm chilling in his backyard, complete with Larm shirt, folding chair, and plastic playground for the rugrats. One of the best dudes ever!

Punk rock ruined power violence
The thing that turned power violence into such a sea of shit was when PC emo/punk kids started flocking to it around 1997 or so. Spazz is probably to blame for this, as well as Charles Bronson. Actually, it's not their fault they wrote really fun, accessible songs that suburban kids liked, but it definitely made the genre less scummy and dark than, say, Excruciating Terror and No Comment did. Also, they weren't completely fucked up scumbags like most of the people in the early bands, so they were much more approachable and kids could relate to them more.

I have no idea why this dude from Plutocracy/No Less is in jail, but it's pretty much par for the course when it comes to the winners who started all the early bands

Within a few short years, though, what was once a wretched hive of scum and villiany had become flooded with copycat bands and what Nate from Creation Is Crucifixion once called "Locust wizards." It was completely ruined for me at that point. Instead of a bunch of fucked up losers who started bands because they hated life and didn't know what else to do with themselves, it became choked with uptight No Fun Club types who wanted to save the world and write songs about being vegan or the plight of native farmers in Antarctica.

Excruciating Terror with porn actor Randy Spears. This is the kind of awesomely scummy shit that got lost once the Locust wizards invaded.

There were way too many rules and it just got too close to the whole Ebullition/MRR scene for me. Too many assholes with spock haircuts and Swing Kids shirts, not enough alcoholics who worked at gas stations and listened to Ozzy. It was getting way too punk, and I mostly hate punk, especially the extremely dogmatic, shrill kind that was predominant in the late 90s. I got into this shit in the first place because the bands didn't give a fuck about the rules or being the next Noam Chomsky, so I was lost.

Where are they now: Dan from Spazz (right) is focusing on the hip-hop stuff he's been doing since forever as DJ Eons when he's not working as a Matisyahu impersonator.

The gems
When it comes to this genre, you really need to know what specific releases are good. Most of the bands were very inconsistent because they blew what little money they had on drugs, so what you often find is a very hit-and-miss catalog- you can't just pick a band and buy all their records, unless you want to end up with a bunch of crap. Here are the handful of records I consider mandatory. If you know the genre, none of them are surprises, but I'm not trying to impress anyone with my knowledge of the obscure.

Apartment 213 "Vacancy" 7"
This was one of the few good power violence records from a non-California band, and really came out of nowhere. Hailing from Cleveland, these guys were fucking pissed in a way that was different than the West Coast but no less brutal. They changed tempos on a dime just like the West Coast bands, but their slow parts had a downtuned, sludgy feel that added something new to the mix- I always thought they sounded like Infest meets Bloodlet, if such a thing is possible.

The first song on this record, "Mutilation," is absolutely punishing. I still don't think anybody's exactly duplicated it. They re-recorded it for their split with Agoraphobic Nosebleed, but the version on this 7" is much better if for no other reason than it includes what is one of the best samples of all time. It's been a long time since they told me the story behind the answering machine message they sampled, but as I recall it is something like this: Their original drummer, Ron, was banging some girl who dumped him. Ron was calling up her new boyfriend (who I guess was like 18) and threatening him relentlessly. Eventually the poor kid's dad caught wind of it and called Ron, leaving the message that you hear on the record.

Also, I once went to this crappy chain Mexican restaurant called Chi-Chi's with A213's singer, Steve, and his then-wife. As we were saying goodbye, he turned to his wife and said, "You better hurry home, that chimichanga didn't sit too well with me. The toilet's gonna look like the inside of an empty peanut butter jar when I'm done with it." He's a classy guy like that.

Despise You - Discography
Looking back, Despise You and No Comment are the two bands from this era that I listen to the most, probably because they have similarly bleak takes on life. Despise You also takes the cake as the most consistent band of the genre: all their releases are A+ material, in contrast to a band like Capitalist Casualties who has a LOT of crap in their catalog. Usually it's not so much bad songwriting that ruins their records, but awful production.

That is what Chris Elder's normal handwriting looks like, it's fucking amazing.

The other thing is that I appreciate DY even more as I get older, probably because I also get more bitter, jaded, angry and disappointed in myself. DY's singer, Chris Elder, also ran the label Pessimiser, and put out several 16 records in the 90s (check out our interview with them, I think it is pretty great). I've known Chris since I was about 15, and I think I was 18 or 19 when he sent me "Blaze of Incompetence" to review for my old zine. I certainly liked it, but mostly only because it sounded like Fudge Tunnel. I definitely didn't "get it." A couple years ago, I rediscovered that album. With 10 more years of shattered dreams, disappointments, heartbreak, and living around angry poor people under my belt, I "got it" much more than I wish I did. Instead of just rocking out to the riffs, I alternate between crying and punching the wall, in keeping with the "angry surrender" spirit of their lyrics. I called Chris and told him the above, and he just said, "Heh. Yeah dude... now you get it."

"Puppet" has all the pieces that make DY such a sick band: Blasts on the china, lyrics that makes you want to stick your head in the oven, and a breakdown suitable for moshing holes in the walls.

Along with me, Max from Spazz, and occasional MI contributor Awakening, Chris was one of the handful of people in the mid 90s who were into No Comment, Meat Shits, and Phobia as well as Abnegation, Raid, and Mayday. Crossing genre boundaries like that was definitely NOT common back then, so I was super stoked that they didn't give a fuck and just listened to whatever they liked. That's why I was extra bummed when they No Fun Club started listening to this shit and trying to enforce their rulebook.

Here's a pretty good, new interview with Chris.

Psycho/Agathocles split 7"
J/K LOL! This record is so bad it's like something I would have made up in 1994 as a sarcastic joke.

Crossed Out/MITB split 7"
I like MITB just fine, but I don't worship them like all the proto-beardos did/do. They have their moments, but are pretty inconsistent, especially when they got into the noise shit (a complete waste of vinyl if you ask me). This is their finest release by far in my opinion, with songs like "Snake Apartment" and "Screwdriver In The Urethra Of Tomas Lenz." The people who were way into MITB were/are usually weird, annoying people with poor social skills and bad hygiene... just like the band! I interviewed Eric Wood when I was 15 or 16 for my zine and was very, very confused. He reminded me more of my parents' burned out hippie friends who did too many drugs than someone who would be in a hardcore band. He didn't even like Youth Of Today, WTF! Here's a newer interview with him from Vice of all places; he seems as weird as ever.

"Instantly Bent" is a long, sludgy intro riff followed by what sounds like an out-of-context sample from a jazz song, like if you took 2 seconds from the end of a Jack Dejohnette solo and looped it a few times.

Someone once described this to me as, "It sounds like he's having a tantrum." Pretty accurate!

I like this song because the snare sounds like a sprinkler when he plays the fills.

Crossed Out were legends for good reason, essentially picking up where Infest left off and making it even more pissed off. In the same way as No Comment was the bleakest band, Crossed Out was the most angry. They didn't really last long or hang out much, so I don't have any funny stories about them, sorry. Their 7" is also excellent, but the basement-level "we recorded this in 45 minutes on my sister's old Fischer-Price tape recorder" production on this record makes it a little better for me. This kind of music is almost always better with shitty production.

No Comment "Downsided"
This is the soundtrack to having the fucking gun in your mouth, razor at your wrist, or rope around your neck. It's also arguably the best hardcore record ever made, no joke. Think of it as the desperation and despair of Black Flag "Damaged" with the pacing of early Napalm Death.

Here are about half the songs on this 7". Have a phone handy with the suicide hotline on speed dial, this shit makes Neglect sound like New Found Glory.

I don't really know what to say about this other than what I did already... I've consistently listened to this record for 15 or so years and it still gives me chills. Nothing else quite captures the feeling of being at the absolute bottom... Nice attention to detail in the packaging, too: the lyric sheet folded out into a 2x3' poster of a slit wrist, and the inscription on the matrix was "Do dilaudid, flip your lid" on one side and "Quitarte sus problemas con Vicodin" on the other (which means "solve your problems with Vicodin" in Spanish). Like I wrote about the other week with regretcore, it's clear that this record was made by people with legit, crushing dysfunction, not angsty teenagers.

Definitely check out this interview with Brent for more background.

Capitalist Casualties "Art of Ballistics"
This was one of the first super DIY records I ever bought, back in 1991 I think? I bought this, MDC "Millions of Dead Cops" LP and No Comment "Common Senseless" 7"- not a bad way to start, right?? Speaking of unpunk shirts, I remember being extremely puzzled by Mike's Slayer shirt in the pictures on the lyric sheet. "WTF," I said to myself, "I thought these guys were punk?! You can't wear a Slayer shirt if you're punk! That's like petting the cat backwards, it's just not done!"

This is actually from the "Raised Ignorant" 7", which I don't really like, but this song is one of CC's best. Really brutal both lyrically and musically.

Unlike most of the other records I've talked about in this post, this is pretty much a straightforward hardcore 7". As many have said before, it's just the next evolution of first DRI LP: no frills hardcore from a bunch of pissed off kids that doesn't claim to be anything other than that. While they've evolved the formula a little, you can see that they're firmly rooted in 80s hardcore when you see song titles like "My Dad Kills For The USA" and "Nuclear National Park." What's next, "Honey, I Moshed The Kids"? "Crass Ventura, Punk Detective"??

Their split with MDC is another one of my favorite releases, as well as the tracks from "Bleearrrrrgggghhhh."

Spazz "Dwarf Jester Rising"
I'm guessing that many of you are already familiar with Spazz, but if you aren't, you definitely want to check them out. They started in 1992 or 93, basically the first of the second wave of power violence bands, and had members from a strange variety of bands: Sheep Squeeze, Plutocracy and Stikky. Chris Dodge was also in a very early incarnation of No Use For A Name and worked at Fat Wreck Chords for years, which I always thought was pretty funny since it was definitely "against the rules" to like both Fat bands and power violence.

Where are they now: The sad tale of Black Army Jacket. Drummer Dave Witte (left) is still keeping it real as fuck and plays in the popular neo-thrash band Municipal Waste. Bassist Carlos Ramirez (far right), on the other hand, has retired from hardcore and spends most of his time chilling on a boat with some AZN bro and his guera wife. List of people who nobody cares where they are now: The original drummer for BAJ.

Many people will disagree, but I think the best Spazz material by far is the early stuff, like pre-"La Revancha." After that they started sounding a lot more, for lack of a better word, "hardcore," like Straight Ahead or something. The earlier material is more pissed and slightly grindy, which is probably why all the suburban emo kids like the later stuff better.

One of their best songs, "Loach." I have no idea what it's about.

"Hairfarmer" is about how Max Ward had a giant, curly mop when he was in Plutocracy. The second part is about this guy Rob Beckstrom's son, also named Max. Rob started going bald early, hence "Max Jr flowing on top, growing more hair than his pop." As an aside, if you know anything about 90s Bay Area graffiti, it's pretty funny that both Rob and Dan from Spazz were early members of US. If you happen to know Rob, I lost touch with him a while ago but it would be cool to hear from him again!

Here are a few funny Spazz memories:
  • Max was briefly in the Meat Shits with Kindred from No Less/Plutocracy, and someone asked him to sign the record he played on for a joke. I think he wrote something like, "Fuck you, Robert Deathrage is a nazi."
  • Going to Gilman with Max when I was 17 or something in his dad's Acura Legend. I was holding his snare on my lap and he said "Dude be careful, if you scratch the leather my parents will be super pissed.
  • Shopping for Mecca and Wu Wear gear at some wigger store in Cleveland with Dan

Cry Now, Cry Later 1 and 2
These two compilations are absolutely mandatory, especially if you want to get the sleazy, scummy Southern California take on things. Maybe I'm imagining things, but I feel like not enough people are into these records. I mean, people definitely still jock MITB, but when was the last time you heard some brainded crust punk say, "Bro, fucking Iabhorher, bro... that song is fuckin hella mass tight bro!!" They definitely aren't checking out Meat Shits, the Fear Factory demo track, Crom, or any of the other great shit on these comps, either. If you haven't given these a listen lately, you probably should. Vols 3 and 4 were OK, but by then it had been diluted by the copycat bands who just ripped off Charles Bronson and didn't listen to Gut or Malicious Hate.

If only all Excruciating Terror records were like this: The filthy production of the 7", with the "polished" songwriting of the LPs. Probably their best song.

Featuring Municpal Waste/Discordance Axis/Black Army Jacket drummer Dave Witte, Iabhorher definitely got overlooked. I think this might be the best song on all of the Cry Now comps, and their 7" on Slap A Ham was equally crushing.

Crom is simultaneously the most brilliant and most retarded band of all time. Long before Max from Spazz started the trend of jocking Hirax, Crom's mind-blowing cover of "Hate Fear And Power" appeared on "Cry Now, Cry Later." I can't believe they managed to make a band as fucking awful as Hirax sound this good!

Malicious Hate is a perfect example of an "Honorable Mention" band, especially this song that was on that weird 8" comp that came out on Ax/Ction (I can't remember the name of it).

Honorable Mention & Stuff I Forgot
There are lots of other bands that were interesting and worth digging up if you're really into it: Stapled Shut, Agents of Satan/Radioactive Lunch, Plutocracy/No Less, Benumb, and other random shit like Avulsion, the one and only Bludgeon song ever recorded, or Noothgrush. But then I would have to start mentioning bands like Black Army Jacket and Praparation H, and nobody wants THAT to happen!! I'm sure the comments will have some good suggestions and/or things I should have mentioned but forgot to.

Monday, September 21, 2009

Suicide Silence: Total fuckfaces, no way around it

Rule number 1: Unless you're an asshole, never trust a hipster's musical opinions. They hate fun and only love Volkswagens, beards, and Hydra Head bands. But I'll admit, even I sometimes forget that they're full of shit. For example, until recently I never gave Suicide Silence a fair chance; I wrote them off like every other deathcore band that's hated by the press and loved by kids because 99% of deathcore is fucking garbage. But after learning that the also-hated deathcore kingpins Winds of Plague were actually a sweet band as well as awesome dudez, I pirated the last few Suicide Silence records and gave them a listen. It turns out they are a really fucking good band. I am also confident that if they were from Philly and had beards, all the Converge and Relapse turds would sweat their balls like they were the second coming of Mastodon.

To atone for my mistakes, I figured we should interview them. I'll admit, I was kind of bummed that the dude didn't seem to think the interview was very funny, but maybe he was just trying to be funny in his own way. I told them to try to make their answers over the top so it would be more entertaining for our old, bitter readers, but he really just came off as more stangry than anything else. He has special needs, though, so try to cut him some slack: he is from Riverside, which is more or less like being dipped in fetal alcohol syndrome immediately after birth, so you can't expect him to be a comedian on top of being the face of deathcore.

Honestly, this shit is fucking brutal. I wanted to hate this band but after listening to them I just can't, they're hella mass tight.

You have a new album entitled "No Time To Bleed," which is excellent and even better than your last one in terms of both songwriting and production. In spite of that, it seems like your band is pretty polarizing and you have a lot of haters. Why do people hate on Suicide Silence as much as they do? If you could direct their anger toward another band, who would it be? Please be specific and name names- you don't have to worry, everybody who reads this site is an old, bitter hater and will only like you better for talking a little shit. You are in a safe place... just let it happen...
I think people hate on us because of our success. We still get shit like "you're a hype band" and what not but I really don't give a shit. I think it's all good as long as they know who we are and form an opinion about us whether it's negative or positive. So after saying that I would direct everyone's hate right back to us because at least they will know who we are. So Fuck it. Fuck your site and fuck all the haters who are reading this, do you hate us so much you are reading this interview? How's that for being specific.

Wow, limited to ONLY 10,000?! With that kind of DIY spirit, it's hard to argue with statements like this one: "Suicide Silence, an astonishingly well-developed five-piece from Riverside, CA, are a true product of that always thriving underground, a band single-mindedly focused on creating rabidly heavy and aggressive music."

There are few genres I dislike more than deathcore, mostly because it is full of generic, dull bands that bore me to tears and bring absolutely nothing new to the table. However, I like Suicide Silence a lot, even though you are deathcore poster children, representing the genre just like N*Sync represented boy bands in the 90s. Why do I like your band better than all the other deathcore bands?
Because Deathcore is a cluttered over saturated genre but to ask me why you like my band is pretty stupid. When we started doing this there was no such thing as Deathcore. I'll ask you the question that I am still curious about, "What the hell is Deathcore?" I really don't even know and quite frankly don't care but I know I am where I am playing music and seeing the world and meeting my idols.

The singer (left) looks a LOT like me in this picture and the one at the top of the page, kinda creepy! The rest of the guys look like they would change my oil on a Saturday morning while listening to Deftones via the local "hard rock" station on a boom box.

Along those same lines, it must be kind of awkward because I'm sure you have a lot of friends in similar-sounding bands, and when you talk to them, you both know that Suicide Silence is not only way more popular than their band, but also better. How do you deal with that? When you can tell one of your friends is jealous, bitter and/or butthurt because you are more successful than he is, how do you put him in his place without being a total fuckface?
Everyone just fucks around and talks shit and says things like "Shoulda wrote a better record." or "Maybe if you weren't on so and so records you'd be doing better?". Most of the time you have to be a total fuckface, no way around it. It's not like it isn't the truth it is just the way it is.

Jeff Foxworthy: "If you're in a deathcore band, and you sell mesh shorts... you just might be a wigger."

Deathcore and wiggers seem to go hand in hand. For example, I was at a Four Year Strong show last night and saw half a dozen kids in mesh basketball shorts and Winds of Plague basketball jerseys. Even though you are from Riverside, which is choked with wiggers, you don't seem to be too into that stuff (although you do sell mesh shorts and flat-brim hats). Why do wiggers like deathcore so much? Why don't you guys wear puffy vests like Johnny Plague?
Seriously? I don't really know how to answer that? We don't wear stuff like that because we aren't like that. Riverside used to be packed with boot wearing skin heads and punks? I used to wear trench coats and and push mosh? Why did I do that? I wanted to get peoples attention and/or piss people off. Thats probably why these kids look like wiggers? Somebody they idolize wears that shit too and they wanna have the attention their idols do.

Speaking of wiggers, I'm sure you are familiar with the moderately popular deathcore band Waking The Cadaver. In case you didn't know, the singer now sells Amway products on MySpace, so if you need shampoo, energy drinks, or meal bars, he can hook you up. How do you think women feel about buying cosmetics from the guy who wrote "Chased Through the Woods By A Rapist"? What do you guys do for spare cash when you're desperate?
I personally don't care, but if I need to make money I sell things that you can't buy in stores. If you know what I mean?

We didn't have hot scene girls at hardcore shows in the 90s, but kids these days don't have motherfucking EXCESSIVE FORCE! *cough* OK, I can't lie. We definitely got a raw deal- Dan Gump is hardly worth trading for Melissa Millionaire. I'll try to make myself feel better by counting how many backpacks and pairs of denim shorts are in this video.

You are from Southern California, which makes me think of all the awesome hardcore bands that I moshed my balls off to in the 90s: Adamantium, Excessive Force, Wrench, Throwdown, and especially 18 Visions. I tripped the fuck out the other day when I was at a gas station and they played Burn Halo, the new band featuring Jame Shart, the former singer of 18V. Did you ever see 18V? What did you think of their transition from JNCOs and dreads to Velvet Revolver-meets-Marilyn Manson? What do you think the future holds for Jame Shart and Burn Halo?
Yeah I've seen 18V i never was a big fan but I used to love Adamantium. I really thought 18V fell off hard in like 03-04 when James started looking like Scott Wieland? I really don't know what the future is for them or him? I think they will tour and try and get big in the main stream but even if they get any big success it won't last long. No one with even the slightest heavy side lasts in the main stream anymore it's a pathetic scene. Maybe if James' last name was Jonas there would be a chance.

In 2009, girls that look like this listen to Skinless, I Declare War and Suicide Silence. We were lucky to have The Great Kat. Why wasn't I born 15 years later? Fuck life.

I started going to shows in 1989. Back then, absolutely no hot girls went to shows or listened to hardcore, metal or whatever. Fortunately for you kids, it seems like there is no shortage of hot, crazy scene girls at shows these days- in fact, Suicide Silence seems especially popular with them. What would you do if you were transported to 1991 and your shows were suddenly full of nothing but outcasts and chronic masturbaters in XXXL Morbid Angel shirts, as was the case back then? What advice do you have for up-and-coming bands as far as chicks go?
If I was back then I'd be stoked because it'd be easier to spot the hot chick you want to party with after the show since there were hardly any. As far as advice for up-and-coming bands, I'd say be ready for a continuous dry spell in metal chicks because grunge is coming to ruin it for you. So take what you can get!

Perhaps the most compelling endorsement of their status as a legit metal band is the seemingly endless stream of subhumanly stupid white trash fans flocking to see them in this video

Please watch the following videos and give me your first impression in a few sentences:
Which is your favorite and why??
I'd rather not waste my time watching any of that crap. It will just piss me off more.

Bro. There is this thing called a "gym"...

That's it for us. Thanks for your time, is there anything you would like to add?
This interview put me in a bad mood.

Friday, September 18, 2009


I imagine the dudes in The Vandals tripped the fuck out when they heard Vin Diesel make an "Anarchyburger" joke in "XXX," because I think you naturally assume nobody other than your mom pays any attention to what you do. Our moms don't read this blog, so you can imagine my surprise when I discovered that not only was there a kid with a blog in England who is obviously a Sergeant D fan, and that I see crunkcore/BrokeNCYDE references in metal magazines/blogs all the time now. I also noticed that's "wigger slam" tag had 40 users who made some nice additions to the description and genre artists.

One of these artists was a new band called Slamburglars. With song titles like "
Straight Up Thuggin' (With Winds Of Plague And That Faggot From Waking The Cadaver)," "Get Crunk!!! Feat. Lil' Jon ," and "Behead Those Who Insult Slam (Metal Inquisition Don't Know Shit About Tha Wigga Slam)," clearly they have also read Metal Inquisition once or twice. Imitation being the sincerest form of flattery, I was sincerely flattered and figured we should interview them.

I left the spelling mistakes in his email intact to underscore the fact that he seems to be at least somewhat of an authentic wigger.

You are in a a joke wigger slam band, Slamburglars. Please tell us give us more details about how this "band" came to be, who is in it, etc. How does it compare to the world's original joke wigger slam band, New Yorkment? How about Frogkill?
We're a silly slam from Boston, MA. We consist of John Lucci (Crunkmeister 3000) on guttural exhales and gravity bong inhales, Connor Dunbar (Wiggerific Wiggerment) droppin 808 bass harder than bombs on Hiroshima, and Kyle Hagan (Slamboyant Goremasexual) on the six strings of steel and five knuckles of brass. I (John) have been into slam for a couple years, and I have appreciated New Yorkment’s comedic approach to making fun of the wiggers that have infested slam death metal. I am also pumped about the Frogkill dude’s new project, Impulsive Evisceration because his shits quality. Basicially, one night we got hella blazed and hella crunk and saw Composted live. After their set we changed our pants, went home, recorded a demo (The Carnivorous Butterflies Demo), then recorded an album (Hallucinogenic Hymns For The Morbidly Obese) the next weekend, and an ep (Decemberment) a month later. And then came the monstrosity that is… Cookie Monstrosity.

The production on your "album" is so atrocious that it would make 7 Minutes of Nausea weep with despair. In an era where you can get free software and dirt cheap hardware, what is your excuse? Don't you think the joke would have been funnier if the songs were actually listenable?
You see, if you want music that is actually funny and quality, listen to Composted. They are fucking hilarious and amazing musicians. If you want to piss off your grandpa and kill small rodents, blast The Slamburglars. We use the fucking horrendous sound quality to cover up the fact that we’re the 3 most untalented musicians on earth. And apparently we can’t hide it. Every day a different person posts “Worst band I have ever heard,” on our page. And one of our Japanese compadres, probably that dude from the Guttural Slamming Brutality Crew, said “Shitty faggotest on the This Shit After hearing Brokencyde, Brokencyde looks to God.” I personally love brokenCYDE, so that might have been the greatest compliment I’ve ever gotten. But no matter how hard we try, we can never be as horrendous as Waking The Cadaver.

Nice to see that only 2 of the top 8 artists in the genre aren't jokes!

At first I thought you guys were probably teenage metalcore nerds because you referenced Bring Me the Horizon, Winds of Plague, Lil Jon/Brokencyde, and other things that old people usually don't know about (where "old" is defined as 25+). But when I can actually hear the music, it sounds like you have some pretty decent slam/goregrind riffing going on so now I'm not sure. Can you tell me a little more about who you guys are? If you want to be "in character" and answer with a bunch of wiggerish nonsense, you can, but it won't be all that funny so I'd rather you didn't.
Well that’s really not us in character. All three of us are straight up blunt passin’, 40-drinkin’ wiggers. I think it’s impossible to be as unintelligent as we pretend to be, but we honestly like hip-hop as much as slam death, just like John Gallagher. If you look at music as just music, I don’t mind some brutal deathcore, and there’s a lot of shitty slam like the Slamburglars, but honestly, listen to the slam in “Blindfold Surgery” by Abominable Putridity and you will realize that there is nothing heavier than a straight up slam. We love that shit, and this band is a failed attempt at ripping-off/bringing that brutality, while throwing some lulz in there. The sole purpose of this band is pretty much for me to start fights over myspace.

"shitty faggotest on the This Shit After hearing Brokencyde, Brokencyde looks to God."

There are many regional styles of wigger slam: Texas, Russia, New York, Japan, etc. Which one is the most inspirational to you and why?
EAST COAST SLAM, FO LIFE. In the local New England area we have some quality slam bands. Parasitic Extirpation, Dysentery, Composted, Eternal Suffering (whom I stole “East Coast Slam” from), that crew. But the United States puts out some of the shittiest slam out there. Honestly… Christian Slam? The Slamming Goregroove of Drowining In Phemaldehyde and Guttural Engorgement blew, but now Mark Lawls has to spoil our scene with Empty Tomb, his new Christian Slam band. Fuck Christianity. Fuck Open Mindedness. You want some quality slam? Go to the Czech Republic or Russia. I guess being formerly dominated by authoritarian Communism gets you wicked pissed, and when you’re wicked pissed you make brutal fucking slam.

One of your songs is entitled "Behead Those Who Insult Slam (Metal Inquisition Don't Know Shit About Tha Wigga Slam)." Can you tell me what this song is about? What made you think it would be funny to call it "wigga" slam?
That was just to piss off Sergeant D. That mofo actuially knows his shit, but anyone who confuses deathcore and wigger slam don’t know shit about tha wigga slam. And replacing “er” with “a” is a common practice in Ebonics, so I chose to embrace my full wiggerificness and exploit African-American culture, as all good wiggers do.

The REAL Big Chocolate

As the first band to put a bass drop into a slam riff (on "Pierced From Within"), Suffocation could arguably be credited as the inventors of wigger slam. Yet they also have brothers in the band. What do you make of this?
Suffocation and Composted are the only wigger slam bands that I know that are actually partially comprised of brothers. Is slam the new hippity-hoppity trend? Only time will tell…

Suicide Silence get butthurt about being called deathcore, I wonder how stangry they would be about being tagged "wigger slam"?

The guys over at Metal Sucks are old and out of touch. They don't see the difference between deathcore and wigger slam. I'm sure you'll agree that, say, Suicide Silence and Infernal Revulsion couldn't be more different, so can you explain it to them here, just so they know?
I could write a fucking book about this topic. Deathcore is death metal influenced metalcore. Metalcore fans are sissies (obviously) therefore deathcore fans are sissies. Wigger Slam is wigger influenced Slam Death Metal. Wiggers are sissies (obviously) but they steal parts of African-American culture in an attempt to hide that fact. They must not know shit about music. Deathcore is centered around “breakdowns”, which are generally mono-tone staccato patterns of sixteenth notes, showing rhythmic variation contrary to melodic variation. Wigger Slam is centered around “slams”, which are simplified breakdowns which usually consist of a combination of quarter notes and eighth notes and usually only utilize the first 4 frets of the guitar. Old-school style slams, such as those of Dying Fetus, Soils of Fate, and Internal Bleeding, often have melody and sometimes are in major keys. If you still don’t get it, then you should just go join Waking The Cadaver.

I am sure no girls read this blog, much less any scene girls. But if you a scene girl and you happen to read this, please email me and include a) n00dz and b) contact information.

On that note, you also have a song called "Deathcore Megawhore." Who is this about, and how can I contact her? Please tell me it is the girl who models the Winds of Plague booty shorts!
I fap to that picture daily. I wish that our band was famous enough to have eyecandy… I mean a “keyboardist” like Kristen Randall. Oh the things that I would do to her… But yeah, that songs about some bitch I hooked up with who liked Bring Me The Horizon but couldn’t get into Down From The Wound.

You guys are apparently avid readers of Metal Inquisition. What are some of your favorite posts, and why? (This is the part where you stroke our egos)
I would stoke more than just Sergeant D’s ego.

That's all I have, is there anything you would like to add? Thanks!
Yo homie, could you add in this html code down the bottom? Thanks.

Cookie Monstrosity

Download The New Slamburglars Album "Cookie Monstrosity"

Alternate Download Link

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Heavy Metal Jock Jamz: What's your playlist?

With Mr. Olympia right around the corner, it's time to get serious about blasting your quads and getting shredded! There's no time like the present to get cannonball delts, crisp serratus, and lats that flare like the hood of an angry cobra! Since I am guessing most of you are either shut-ins with the physique of an AIDS patient or flabby Relapse beardos who haven't seen the outside of their mother's basement in a decade, I figured I'd share my Heavy Metal Jock Jamz and do my part to keep our readers get diesel!

Thanks to my Apple internetPod, my playlist is constantly changing. I can just put in a new tape when I get bored with the last one, so it's never the same twice. Still, I find that my Jock Jamz consistently fall into a few categories:

Infernal Revulsion are one of the many reasons why Japan is the leading producer of anime tentacle porn, Pokemon, and wigger slam.

Slamz & X Breakdowns X
This is a no-brainer: what would a gym playlist be without the fucking slamz?! I have written about this topic extensively so I won't duplicate all that here. Instead, here is a little checklist that you can use to evaluate any given slam band. Give them one slam for every time you answer "yes," and if they score 4 or higher, they are gym-worthy:
  • Camo shorts (extra point if they're arctic camo)
  • Puffy vests and/or parkas
  • Band is from Russia or Texas (extra point if they are more than 75% Mexicans)
  • Band name ends in "-ment" or "-tion"/"-sion"
  • Video features wiggerish arm movements, crab-walking
  • Bassist has his instrument below knee-level
Try it out and you'll see how quickly it will help you sort your slamz. For example, the clearly gym-worthy Katalepsy score a whopping 5/6 slamz, while Wormed scores 0. The checklist helped us realize that it is critical to choose occasion-appropriate slamz: Wormed are a great band, but not good gym material because they are too smart. Nobody wants thinking man's slam in their ear while you're trying to focus on your deadlift form.

Jer-Z will not be disgraced!! And look at those fucking puffy vests! Damn son! Get your ass over to the Willowbrook Mall and cop one for yourself!

The AC bro from Emmure and Jonathan from Forever The Sickest Kids both enjoy wearing colorful New Eras. I'd like to think that says that we can all be friends, whether we are scene, preppy, or 'core. We all love Hollister and New Era, and at the end of the day that is more important than our superficial differences, right?

Another genre for you to check out is what I like to call "scene wigger moshcore," which is basically shit like Emmure, The Acacia Strain, and Liferuiner. I coined this term because they have chinstraps and New Era hats like your standard-issue mosh wigger, but this bands rock them in bold colorways that would look right at home on Breathe Carolina or Dot Dot Curve. Anyway, all these bands basically sound the same: the ultimate expression of the 90s moshcore formula in a Zao-meets-Adamantium way. So basically, the fucking definition of gym-core.

Emmure's new album is brutal as fuck and full of sick XbreakdownsX and drama-inciting lines like "ask your girl what my dick tastes like."

When to play it: Pretty much anytime you want to feel fuckin' hard, for example when you are annihilating your abs with insane volume! Just put on some Cold As Life while you bang out a zillion reps, then mean mug the gym mirror, and be like, "750 crunches, what now bitch?! This gym ain't got shit on my steez!"

They look like Michael Moore, but these bros know how to write a fucking mosh riff that takes your mind off the pain of being alive for at least a few seconds.

Now let's talk about a very gym-worthy subgenre of hardcore that I like to call "regretcore." In a nutshell, it's the soundtrack to the moment when you look in the mirror, realize you're in your 30s, and that your life is a fucking mess because you're a fuckup who makes retarded decisions that you may not be able to fix. If you have had this moment you know exactly what I'm fucking talking about! Basically, it's "I'm honestly afraid I may have ruined my life forever" put to music, and it's so brutally honest that it can be a little hard to handle, like seeing your dad cry. Let me explain more...

Most of you already think I'm a gay poser, so whatever. When I wasn't listening to Pyrexia, 7 Minutes of Nausea and Dystopia in high school, I was jamming bands like All, Descendents, and later Blink-182, Saves The Day, etc. All their songs essentially amounted to "Wah wah, I like this girl but she doesn't like me back." That sucks but at the same time is kind of fun- you sit around with your friends and complain about chicks, go skate behind 7-11, and hit up Taco Bell. You forget all about it by the time side one of "Thrash Zone" is over.

I love regretcore so much that I got a Death Threat tattoo (the one on the left that says "Now Here Fast"). I am so gay that I got a matching Chris Isaak tattoo (the one on the right that says "Forever Blue").

Fast forward to 2009, we're all in our 30s, and shit is way too real. I ran into a friend of mine who I hadn't seen in a bit. His wife just left him and I wanted to see how he was doing. The dude is a LEGIT hard motherfucker who has fucked up a lot of people, but he's human like the rest of us and nobody shrugs off a divorce. I asked him how he was doing, and he just said, "Well, I had the gun in my mouth last night but I couldn't do it." I was also getting a "divorce" after 8 years with my ex and I was pretty much in the same place, so all I could do was nod in agreement and say "I'm with you, dude." In 10 short years, we went from "The girl who works at the mall doesn't like me, boo hoo" to "My wife left me and I literally want to die."

Regretcore is what happens when you get a hardcore band made up of dudes in their 30s who are fuckups like my friend and I. Instead of singing about how the cute girl who works at Dairy Queen has big boobies, they write songs about trying to pick up the pieces of your life after a divorce, rehab, or prison. They don't have songs about how hard their crew is, their songs are self-directed pep talks that go something like, "Dude, I won't lie, you fucked up pretty bad. But don't kill yourself. If you're lucky you can maybe get a job at a gas station or something and piece together a few scraps of self-respect."


While bands like Sheer Terror, Crowbar, and Life of Agony paved the way, Terror are pretty the Led Zepplin of this subgenre: they're not regretcore, but it couldn't exist without Scott Vogel being a charismatic fuckup who writes uncomfortably straightforward songs about it. Lines like "Time and time again, I've fucked things up. All my hopes and dreams have been gone so long" are a trademark of the genre: Chris Barnes-like statements of fact that were probably written in a moment of tearful self-hatred after a week long coke binge and maybe beating someone half to death for reasons you can't remember.

Furious Styles is the hardest thing out of Seattle since Everything Went Black, check it out and maybe they'll give you a glimmer of hope that you can salvage your pathetic life. It didn't work for me, but who knows, maybe you're not as far gone as I am.

Death Threat is another cornerstone of regretcore, with brutally simple lines like "When you've got nothing you don't give a fuck" and "I know no other way to take the pain. Insted of trying to make things better I get fucked up everyday." You really don't know what to say because that really says it all in the most straightforward way you possibly could. Perhaps the ultimate regretcore line, though, is from post-Bulldoze band Terrorzone: "I regret what I did, though I had to do a bid." Translation: "I went to prison because I lost my cool and fucked some dude up, that sucked."

When to play it
Regretcore has no equal when it comes to gym motivation! When you have to dig deep and squeeze out those extra few reps, there's nothing like a little voice (I like to imagine it's Scott Vogel) whispering in your ear, "If you don't stay in shape no woman will ever be attracted to you and you'll die alone. Now give me one more set of squats, you fucking loser!"

Burn Halo is the new Douchebro Anthemcore band from 18V singer Jame Shart

Douchebro Anthemcore
Whew, that was heavy! Sometimes you get burned out on the regretcore and you need to lighten things up a little, using positive imagery to motivate yourself and get your hustle on. For that, there is nothing than a good Douchebro Anthem- what we used to call "hard rock." Sometimes you just want to forget your troubles, forget that you're a worthless trainwreck who wasted your potential, and just think about making (really fun) poor life choices, usually some variation on getting fucked up with some hotties at a party or club.

There are a lot of options when it comes to Douchebro Anthemcore, because there are a lot of douchebro that start bands, and apparently it sells because labels keep putting it out. It really depends on what kind of douchebro you're looking to be.

Some guys are more of the sensitive douchebro, so maybe they'll put on some Cold, Staind, or Hinder and think about how much tail they would get if they played an acoustic set at some "hole in the wall club" so it would be "really intimate." Then they would get really intimate with some recently divorced office hott who got shitfaced and left at the club alone by her equally shitfaced friend who promptly abandoned her when she met some dude.

The best part of this video is the retards who got Avenged Sevenfold tattoos- specifically, imagining the burning embarrassment they feel every time they see that this video has nearly 2 millions plays.

Me, I'm more of the aggro/party douchebro, so you'll find more stuff like Papa Roach and Avenged Sevenfold on my Heavy Metal Jock Jamz. I'll be flexing in the mirror, practicing my flirty pout that will melt the office hotts' panties off and playing air guitar to "Unholy Confessions" or "Last Resort."

When to play it: When the only way to cope with the crushing despair that comes with realizing you're a piece of shit is to act like an even bigger piece of shit.


What's on YOUR Heavy Metal Jock Jamz playlist? What makes YOU want to blast your quads??