Thursday, January 31, 2008

Glenn Danzig talks martial arts

As if Glenn Danzig's obsession with comic books, voodoo, and sexy vampiresses wasn't enough to make him the ultimate nerd, it turns out he's also into martial arts. I'm not quite sure why so many nerds think it's cool to put on a goofy outfit and punch the air, but they sure do. Overcompensation for feelings of inadequacy I guess. Who knows. In any case, though, it's pretty funny to watch Glenn Danzig talk about Bruce Lee and punch focus mitts in the basement gym at some Holiday Inn.

Chuck Schuldiner And His Sweet Shirt With Kittens On It

Chuck Schuldiner, it would seem, was a very likable guy. Yes, I know that the high-heel women's boots he wears in the Dynamo DVD are laughable, as was the way he parted his hair during the "Human" album.

I know that some think he was lame because he changed the inverted cross on the Death logo to not be inverted (some said it was because he became a Christian, which is unlikely as he was raised in a non-religoius Jewish family, and he even said he did it to do away with the connection between his band and Satanism). More importantly I have noted that very few, if any people comment on the disappearance of the little skull guy on the "H", a far more important and significant omission.

All of this may be true, but Chuck made one contribution that is far more important than any other for the world of metal. That contribution is that he wore a dope t-shirt with kittens on it for this interview. Not only that, but he often wore it live and was photographed wearing it in Metal Maniacs.

One last Chuck note....during the time that my family and I lived in Miami, he lived in a nearby storage space. In Florida, living in storage spaces was common practice for people who were in bands, as has been discussed in great length by Richard Christy of the Howard Stern show (Richard played drums for Death, and is now a full time member of the show.) I remember the weekly Miami newspaper doing an interview with Chuck in 1992, where he talked about living in the storage space, and how during the recording of "Human", his old piece of crap car had caught on fire due to electrical problems.

It should come as no surprise to anyone that being in a death metal band is not exactly a fantastic money-making proposition, but living in a storage space in Miami during the summer months seems like the most depressing thing on earth. I picture Chuck singing the lyrics to "Pull The Plug" as he showered under a water hose in the back of the building.

Wednesday, January 30, 2008


Though not as funny or rewarding as the original set of clips we posted of a fat Slayer fan screaming, this video is still pretty good.

This girl reminds me of a realization I had in my early teens, when I looked around and saw tons of fatties like this at metal shows. It all of a sudden dawned on me that I had made some stupid choices in life, since I had greatly limited the type and quality of women that were even somewhat within my grasp. Like every other metalhead, I hated jocks. But they had the right idea, at least when it came to girls. They got to be friends with, and date girls in the soccer team. I was stuck watching tubs like this one yell "SLAYER!" while reeking of cigarettes. Yay for me.

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Pantera. Much Music. 1992

Here is a splendid interview with Pantera from 1992, right when Vulgar came out. I really like the hostess, I believe she used to be known as the artist "Martika." She seems very uncomfortable with Phil and the gang's unconventional behavior and shockingly frank language.

Also, if you don't like Pantera, you should probably throw yourself on a sword pronto.

Amazing Moments In Black Metal Video Hisotry Part 2

Thanks to one of our readers, Andrew, for pointing out this black metal gem. This clip is from Austria's equivalent to American Idol (itself a version of a British show). I love how the kid's make-up is wearing off, from waiting in line since five in the morning, and how it looks like he might throw up at times during his performance. Amazingly enough, the kid made it into the show, or at least he appeared in a later episode, which you can see here.

Some might argue that this doesn't count as a "black metal video", since the person featured is an amateur. But I challenge you to watch the Maniac Butcher video and tell me they're not amateurs as well. Come on now.

Amazing Moments In Black Metal Video Hisotry

Most people have probably already seen this Immortal video for the song "Call Of The Wintermoon", but much like National Lampoon's Vacation, everytime it's on...I have to watch it. My personal favorite detail in the video is the grumpy guy with the witch hat from the dollar store. Check it.

Another classic, this time from the Czech band Maniac Butcher. Once you get past the very long fire intro, you will see unbelievable things. How many black metal videos feature air-guitar playing? This one does. How many black metal videos feature street construction cones covered with black pillow cases to hold up tiki torches? This one does. You can just picture the families trying to have a picnic in the park running into these two fools. I feel embarrassed just watching the video.

Does David Vincent Like To Eat Cake? Does He Eat Lemon Pie? Does He Like Microwave Ovens? Does He Like Jacques Cousteau? Find out!

The rapid-fire line of questioning in this unbelievable interview will change the mind of any American who dislikes the French. This guy is my idol. Period. Notice that this interview is from 1989, but the interviewer was already on to how unbelievably cheesy David Vincent was. Amazing.

Monday, January 28, 2008

Crowbar: Heaviest band ever?

Seriously I'd hate to be the safety inspector at any of the ratty clubs these guys played in the 90s, I'd have to imagine even the sturdiest stage buckling under their immense bulk... the singer looks like a bull walrus, bloated after gorging himself on fatty sardines all winter. They're so massive their guitars look like those inflatable toy ones you'd get from a machine at the county fair.

I can't imagine they made a whole lot of money, so they probably had some lean nights on tour. That's when I'd be scared to be the drummer, the only skinny guy in the band. I'm picturing them on tour in Nebraska in the dead of winter, the tour bus driving down the cold road, no food in sight. The singer and bassist turn to look a the drummer, and he turns into a big steak like in an old Bugs Bunny cartoon, saliva dripping from the corners of their gargantuan mouths.

But seriously folks... I fucking love Crowbar.

Exodus' Gary Holt, Thrash Metal Spokesman

This video reminds me of how I felt when I was 13, and every adult was hassling me for wearing my Kreator shirt along with the ill-fitting sweatpants I loved so much.

It's funny to see Gary Holt get hassled pretty much the same way I did back in the day by a guy with a 20 dollar suit and a haircut that his wife gave him. One thing that is a bit odd, is that Gary answers the questions regarding writing songs about satan as though Exodus wrote such lyrics. Gary should simply say "Man, I've been working on some sweet lyrics for a tune I want to call 'Toxic Waltz', check 'em out, they even mention monkeys and insurance"

Used to do the monkey, but now it's not cool
The twist and mash potato are no exception to the rule
So don't be a dunce and dance like a runt
Just throw your elbows with good friendly violent fun
Don't start to cry
If you get a black eye
Just dive back in
And give another try
But too much action
May leave you in traction
So you better get insurance

We can all laugh at Gary Holt for being a bit of an idiot, but we should also think about the fact that in this video, he's sliding into the strike zone and taking one for the team. Team metal.

French dipshit plays Twist Of Cain

moi jouant sur du Danzig. Bon je pense que ça se joue pas vraiment comme ça mais c'est la seule tablature que j'ai pu trouver. Je précise que je ne suis que guitariste amateur donc inutile de m'insulter (faut vraiment être con) si vous trouvez que je joue mal (je le sais. De plus je pense réenregistrercette vidéo (on entend pas assez ma guitare :)) Je précise que je suis à la recherche d'un groupe de rock ou de métal dnas la loire (42) car je suis à la recherche d'un groupe en tant que chanteur alors n'hésitez pas à poster des coms avec votre adresse email.D'autres vidéos de chant suivront donc. Enjoy ;)

Sunday, January 27, 2008

"Baby, I asked you not to put my leather pants in the washing machine!"

In Mike's head head, the performance by his band (a band he had only recently started with his two cousins and the guys from the machine shop) would be flawless. In reality, it was one of the saddest moments in musical history.

He had just bought new strings for his bass, and he laid out his flame button-up shirt. It was a big day in Indiana's Glendale Township, and the shirt would certainly bring that point across. His thinning hair was nowadays often hidden behind a filthy Harley Davidson bandana, which he actually ironed for the occasion. Disaster struck a few days before the actual performance. Vicky, his wife of three years (who can be seen sporting a fantastic baby back pack), put his leather pants (which he still only half-jokingly referred to as "my rock pants") in the washing machine, along with baby Madison's soiled linens. The pants, though Vicky didn't know this at the time, had not been washed since the summer of '86. The pants became brittle, shrunk a bit, and thereafter reeked of baby urine. But the show went on. It had to. Though the audience didn't much care for the music (it was a small get-together for his parents' 50th anniversary), the band plowed ahead through a set of mind numbing mid-tempo musical swill, the likes of which had not been heard since the Kiss solo albums. The kids made a large poster (for "Ma-Ma and Pap-Pap") which completely covered the drummer. At one point, the practice-sized guitar amps drew too much power and blew a fuse. But such is the price of rock. Mike did his best Steve Harris, machine gun pose towards the end of the song, and disregarded the unenthusiastic responses of the elderly audience. This was his day.

Saturday, January 26, 2008

Glenn Danzig shares his "various books on death" with you

I can't believe we've had this blog up for weeks already without posting the entire Danzig Lucifuge home video. It has probably the highest density of retardedness per inch of tape of any piece of recorded media ever made. I want to savor each of Glenn, John, and Chuck's incredibly stupid comments, so I'll just post this for now. But there will be many, many more Danzig-related posts to come.

This is one of my favorite clips of all time. Some parts I like the most are how the stories about werewolves are "all documented, all true" and his selection of "various books on death." Also, that he has his shirt off.

What brings you to Metal Inquisition?

Metal Inquisition headquarters- Gibraltar branch

Metal fans are like beautiful snowflakes, no two are alike. Everybody comes to this site for a different reason. You can see some of the different paths that our readers take to come here, courtesy of our referrer logs:

Personally, I like "were you can build a time machine com." Obviously that person is a big Nocturnus fan- don't ever let someone tell you metal fans are stupid.

Creepy Loser Fans Reveal Cliff Burton Memorial Stone In Sweden

This video, as the title of the post states, features a bunch of loser Cliff Burton fans in Sweden unveiling a memorial stone near the site of his death. For such a momentous occasion, the idiots (who probably raised money for the memorial by recycling cans, selling their Abbatoir records, working at Ikea...the usual Swedish boy scout methods) could only get a white pillow case and four rocks to cover up the damn thing for the unveiling. Who do you notice missing from this important ceremony? Well....what about, Cliff's family? Members of Metallica? They all probably tried as hard as possible to be as far away from this place as they physically could. But just look at all the high school newspapers from the surrounding areas that are there to cover the event. Impressive.

Friday, January 25, 2008

Overkill Gets A Documentary, While Tankard Continues To Be Ignored.

I don't think this is what Karl Marx had in mind when he proposed that the masses should have access to the means of production. As a result of consumer-grade DV cameras, and inexpensive software, even Overkill's ex-drummer is now a filmmaker. Ingmar Bergman, watch out! I guess it looks well done enough. The primary issue I have with this is that it elevates what was at best a third rate thrash band, to a status they simply don't deserve.

How on earth Overkill got all this attention, while bands like Tankard went unnoticed is still beyond me. If you doubt for a second that the German thrash unit known as Tankard were/are simply amazing, just look at this picture of the band! Striped pants, receding hairline, gel on the mullet, eyeglasses that came free with an eye exam, sweet vest with patches...oh, did I forget to mention the fatso sitting there, nearly naked with his belly flopping over his thigh? Is that not enough for you? Damn, thrash metal fans are so hard to please!

Thursday, January 24, 2008

Vio-lence: What IS the deal?

In case you didn't, read the title of this post in your best Seinfeld voice. That way, you'll know how I feel when the topic of Vio-lence comes up (and, you know, it does come up a lot). First of all, I think thrash metal is pretty shitty to begin with, but even within that generally bad genre, Vio-lence were especially crappy.

Basically my feelings about Vio-lence are the same now as the first time I heard them, which was when I saw the video for "World In A World" on Headbanger's Ball in 1991 or something: "These guys would be pretty good if it weren't for the insanely gay vocals." So I really don't understand why people hold Vio-lence in such high regard when there are bands like Believer and Forced Entry out there. Also, the name... is the fucking hyphen really necessary?? That always really bugged me.

And look at Robb Flynn these days. He looks like he should be in that band Saliva that had that "Click Click Boom" song. Sweet sword tattoo on his left arm, though.

Black Winter Gay

I'm not going to front, I liked Amorphis when I was in high school. I jammed "Tales From the Thousand Lakes" and "Elegy" on the regular. I even followed them up to "Tuonela," which my MOM still listens to, BTW (it sounds like Linkin Park--another of my mom's favorites--minus the scratching and the rapping). I'm not kidding, my MOM!

Anyway, over time my musical taste evolved and I came to realize that keyboards are gay (not that there's anything wrong with gay music, I listen to Madonna and Real McCoy all the time, but that shit does not belong in Metal) and that the only band from Finland people should care about is Demilich. I'll admit that the first Amorphis album, "The Karelian Isthmus," is awesome, but if everything they've done since then were shot into outer space I wouldn't cry.

I now present to you the video for the song "Black Winter Day" from their hugely popular, atrocious album "Tales From the Thousand Lakes." And remember, you can growl all you want, but the second you start tickling the ivory in a ruffled shirt your Death Metal instantly becomes False Metal.

And I'm not even going to touch on the fact that the lyrics to this song read like fat high school goth chick poetry...

This is how the lucky feel
How the blessed think
Like daybreak in spring
The sun on a spring morning

But how do I feel
In my gloomy depths?

Like the flat brink of a cloud
Like a dark night in autumn
A black winter day
No, darker than that
Gloomier than an autumn night

Great moments in art history: Suffocation

Anybody that knows me at all knows that Suffocation is without a doubt one of my favorite bands of all time. They are legends, responsible for countless innovations in death metal. But what a lot of people don't know is that they're also pioneers in the world of fine art and design.

Exhibit 1: Human Waste
I love this album. When it came out, the brutality was completely unmatched. But the cover... I've studied it every day for the past 18 years and I'm still not sure I understand it. It's like a Heironymous Bosch or Francis Bacon painting, full of nearly infinite amounts of symbolism and intricate detail. What exactly is happening? Why is this demon with antlers using a circular saw on a bloody arm bone? Where is all the blood coming from? Actually it's not really a saw, it's just a saw blade on a stick. I am hoping that if I meditate on it long enough, it will make sense one day.

Exhibit 2: Effigy of the Forgotten front cover
One of Dan Seagrave's finest moments. What an incredible piece of work. Who else could have depicted a killer robot rampaging through a sci-fi garbage dump in such a compelling way? There are some nice little details, too: the robot skull on the end of the arm on top of the killer robot, the dragon egg in the bottom center, and the screaming mouth over on the right. Nothing could better suit this blasting masterpiece.
Exhibit 3: Effigy of the Forgotten photo shoot
Suffocation isn't just a band, they're a carefully orchestrated image campaign. Every piece of clothing they wear, every hair, every move they make- it's all part of their tightly controlled brand. You can see some examples of this in the inlay photos for the Effigy of the Forgotten booklet: Josh is wearing a Ripping Corpse shirt to match Terrence's Ripping corpse hat; Mike Smith (far right) brings to mind a young Rick James; Terrence looks right off the runways of Milan with his trendy acid wash cargo jeans. But Frank's outfit (center) is what really sets it off.
I'm guessing they hired a hotshot management consultancy like McKinsey or something to advise them on the right moves for this shoot. I imagine that it went something like this: "Frank, here's the outfit we put together for you for the Effigy shoot. We went with royal blue sweat pants and a Trump Plaza t-shirt." "OK, cool. That will make me look really businesslike and balance out Mike's Atheist belly shirt."

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Wanderlust: Metal Edition (Nepal)

Ever wanted to know what people do in Nepal?

Apparently it is throwing the horns, swearing in English, speaking in Nepalese, drinking in your bedroom and doing some sweet, sweet Cannibal Corpse karaoke. Except, I can't decide if it is TRUE karaoke since the vocals can be heard on the track. I am actually surprised because I thought I saw Stripped, Raped and Strangled on the karaoke list at Shooters Pub last weekend. And, to be honest, the more I watch this, the more I think the kid is lip-synching.


I would also like to add that I am utterly disappointed because they just have a generic winamp skin. I would have thought they would use the official corpse one. It really pains me and I wish they would consider taking advantage of some of those utilities for winamp and create something special and truly their own.

Into The Crypt of Retards

Here's more proof, as if it were needed, that Europe is indeed a strange, strange place and that Black Metal is not very evil. I don't know exactly what year this video is from, but I'm going to guess somewhere around 1985. It features Martin Eric Ain (surprisingly normal looking, except for the eye shadow and giant hoop earrings) and Tom G. Warrior (one of the ugliest people on earth with his stupid eye makeup, stringy hair, rocking a dirt stache--they have white trash in Switzerland?--leather and spikes) of the legendary Celtic Frost on what I'm guessing is some kind of Swiss Top of the Pops show.

The video begins with Martin and Tom being interviewed by a teenage girl in a over sized white blouse with an awful hair cut. I have no idea what they're talking about since I have no idea what language they're speaking (German, I think?), but I'm sure it's very evil and hilarious. There's even a crowd of children surrounding Martin and Tom while they're being interviewed. These children scream in anticipation when the female teen interviewer announces in her thick accent the song Celtic Frost is about to perform, "Into de Cryfft of Rays."

Can you imagine what it must have felt like to be alive in Switzerland in 1985 and to have stumbled upon Celtic Frost on Top of the Pops while channel surfing? I can't. Fucking surreal.

Thrash Metal, Jersey Style!

Whenever I hear people talk about thrash metal it’s always the same thing. Lääz Rockit this and Vio-lence that. “Forbidden is so sick!” “You want REAL thrash metal? Listen to “Bonded by Blood!” I say fuck that West Coast Bay Area pussy shit. You want REAL thrash metal—go to New Jersey! That’s right. Don’t rub your eyes or try to adjust your computer screen, you read it right the first time—New Jersey. The Garden State, my home, has spawned some of the greatest and most underappreciated thrash metal bands of all time. You want proof? Here it is…

Blood Feast


Gothic Slam

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Being A Grossly Overweight Singer In A Terrible Band Is Not Just For Billy Milano Anymore

I wonder if the day that ex-Candlemass singer Messiah Marcolin was born, his mom held him in her arms and thought to herself:

"Oh, one day he'll be a huge tub of lard that will sing in a terrible doom metal band. He will be dressed in a monk's outfit, and the highlight of his life will be to be featured in a Hard N' Heavy video compilation"

By the way, if you're up for the job, Candlemass is looking to replace Messiah with a new singer. Details about the position can be found here.

As It Turns Out, Someone Can Riff Faster Than Dave Mustaine

I remember seeing an interview (in Metal Maniacs I believe) in which Dave Mustaine claimed that no one in the world could riff faster than him,

"...maybe someone could solo faster, but not riff faster".

Well Mr. Mustaine, meet your match. The guy in this video is about as un-metal as it gets, but look at his speed. This guy can probably play "Holy Wars" ten times over during the time that Mustaine and his pasty white ass are tuning up his dual-neck Jackson flying V.

One last Mustaine note, please enjoy one of the lamest moments in metal history ever put on film. Mustaine and Lars Ulrich crying to a therapist in the movie Some Kind Of Monster. Note Ulrich's dyed hair, a desperate attempt to look current by appropriating a look that is perhaps only current to a raver in Wapakoneta, Ohio.

Monday, January 21, 2008

John Williams eat your heart out- here comes Spastic Ink

If there's a nerdier genre of music than prog metal, I sure can't think of it. It combines the obnoxious snobbery of jazz with the subhuman, lowbrow, stupidity of heavy metal- like the delicious tastes of nuts and gum, together at last.

For example, this concept piece from Spastic Ink. Lots of bands write concept albums- for examples Nocturnus' legendary "The Key"- but usually they are about cool stuff like building a time machine so he band can go back in time to kill Jesus. But not Spastic Ink- this song is the score to a video of, uh, a cartoon mouse. They also have a song that is 8 minutes of the movie Bambi, but each of the characters is voiced by the guitars. So, uh, yeah...

Bobby Blitz. Aging Frontman, Stroke Victim

We've already discussed how time has not been kind to members of the third-rate metal unit known as Overkill here, but this video brings it to a whole new level. A stroke on stage? That hasn't even happened to members of the Rolling Stones, and they're ancient. Then again, look at Bobby, dude looks tore up. Maybe he held the note too long on "Helloooo from the guuuuuutteeeeeeer". I guess I'd be having strokes too if I lived in Jersey, and had to pace around my one bedroom basement apartment trying to figure out how the hell I got myself into such a predicament in life. I mean, a band with a flying skull as a mascot? Godamn.

By the way, did you know that "Bobby Blitz" is the name for a mix-drink? It must be the lamest stage name known to man.

Sunday, January 20, 2008

The ultimate wigger slam

I posted this kid before, but came across another one of his videos. Seriously I think he is the sickest guttural death vocalist ever, maybe even better than any of the Devourment guys. And by the way, this kid is fucking 17. He is in several bands, all of which are unbelievably brutal and awesome: Malodorous, Disfiguring the Goddess, and Perforate Carcass. He also records bands and makes hip hop beats- this is one talented fucking kid- a true wigger slam Rennaissance man!

Controversial opinion: FIGHT were better than Priest

Look I know what you're going to say: "Dude are you out of your fucking mind?!" But I stand by my position. I mean Priest jammed for sure, especially the singles (face it, their album tracks were mostly filler). And I know some people had a problem with Rob's sexuality, but that's not it either- because Chuck Schuldiner was a butt pirate too but I still love Death. Basically Fight! was like Priest with more balls, thanks to Rob's interest in newer stuff like Sacred Reich and Pantera. They totally kicked ass and still do, but I still have no clue what "Nailed To The Gun" means.

According To Cronos, "Venom Is A Brick"

How on earth can black metal bands take their musical genre so seriously, when it was clearly started by a band that was only slightly more serious than The Monkees? Just watch this video and be amazed by how incredibly dumb, unfunny and generally not evil Venom were. Also, how on earth do you decide that out of all the things you can compare your band to, a brick that you throw to "an area of land" seems like a good choice? Nice touch at the end when two members of this very evil band, basically perform fellatio on a bottle.

Lastly, do you think Cronos misses his hair these days? The interviewer from the picture below is probably asking, "Cronos, what is it like to look like a 60 year old Polish grandmother?"

Nitro's Michael Angelo gives YOU the keys to the Lamborghini & Creed's guitarist shreds

Yes, you! Check out The Metal Method for all the secrets to shredding like Michael Angelo.

Another guy that can shred his balls off is Mark Tremonti, formerly of Christ-rock band Creed. You might not know this, but his favorite bands include Venom, Celtic Frost, Slayer, and Nitro. In fact, Mark even played on Michael Angelo's latest album. So don't judge a book by it's cover, it turns out he's a pretty cool guy. Here is a sweet video of him jamming some sweep picking.

Saturday, January 19, 2008

Diary of a Mad Jackass

What do you do after being fired from the most influential metal band of all time, divorcing your first wife, and being diagnosed with bipolar disorder? You lock yourself in a hotel room for weeks at a time with enough drugs and alcohol to kill most human beings, but if you're Ozzy Osbourne you meet Sharon Arden--your future second wife. She convinces you to get your shit together and puts a band together for you that includes the young virtuoso guitarist Randy Rhoads. Thus is born the solo career of Ozzy Osbourne. And what do you do if after releasing two wildly popular, now classic, albums your guitarist dies in a freak plane crash? If you're Ozzy Osbourne you descend back into depression and spiral out of control by drinking obscene amounts, doing mountains of coke, shooting all 17 of your pet cats, pissing on the Alamo, then you get sued because your music allegedly drove two teenagers to kill themselves, and finally in a drunken rage you attempt to murder your wife. Thankfully, or perhaps unfortunately, Ozzy was such a loser at this point that he couldn't even get the job done. Realizing Ozzy was her cash cow, Sharon forgave him. She kept managing him and he kept putting out shitty records. Eventually, they became millionaires and even reality television stars. Such is the strange saga of Ozzy Osbourne.

Worst Band Ever. Period.

Yes, yes. I know. Europe (the band) were not really a metal band, but when the absolutely worst band on earth covers them, it becomes a must-see event. Again, proof that large portions of Europe (the continent) live in another decade. Who on earth gets together with their friends and says "Well, if we're serious about this band thing, we MUST play 'The Final Countdown'"

I urge you to watch this. Please. Listen to the vocals, the calculator like keyboard tone....the rushing fans. The guitar solo about 2:20 in. Is that Anton Maiden on vocals?

Friday, January 18, 2008

File under: Who gives a shit.

After watching the Cemetery Gates video about six times while eating my chili, i started to think a little about the motivation behind it. I was bored and had nothing else to do. Chili eating has that moment where the world stops and you begin a journey of exploration into the minds of others. You also try to control your gas. It is a tough journey. No one ever said life was easy.

So I begin and I move forward. The result? if i was to go to get a Master’s degree, it would be called “Retards and the Why?” and it would involve this guy. As a fan of metal I am sure he is not getting any tail, so I imagine he has a lot of time on his hands. So he has decided to teach us how to sing and wear bad facial hair.

The first video up is a lovely little instructional video of how to scream from C5 to C6 as a slide the metal way.

He also has a tribute to Sebastian Bach.

I would recommend subscribing to him or at least bookmarking his own page.


Gloves of Metal Rule the Night!

If this song doesn't make you want to ride through a deserted countryside on horseback clothed only in fur, leather, and spikes while wielding a sword, I don't know what will! I mean, you never know when you might come across some lovely maidens that need to be rescued from the clutches of ravaging barbarians.

It's The End Of The World, Thanks to DD Verni

It says it right there, in Revelations. "When washed up members of third rate East Coast thrash metal bands begin to look like washed up members of Florida boy bands, the world will end." It's there in the Bible people. I don't make this stuff up. How can DD Verni not remember that he was once a member of a thrash metal band that sold dozens of records? How can he betray his metal roots in such a way? Overkill sucked balls, but looking like AJ from the Backstreet Boys is no way to make us forget that. Okay, I know, I know. Yes, they had some good songs, Horrorscope had good drumming, and the stupid flying skull character was a somewhat innovative use of brand consistency in metal....but come on. For most of the 80s and 90s these guys were dreaming of having the career that Exodus was having. I mean, think about that.

The wild 'fro/mullet combo that DD Verni rocked for much of Overkill's reign as leading opening band in so-so metal tours has not been spotted in the tri-state area for some time. Such are the effects that age, and stress from a musical career that went nowhere can bring on.

Helloween en Espanol!

If I were a Spanish teacher, this is how I would teach my students.

You are bewiiiiiiiiiitched

1. Clearly they did not find their singer by placing a classified ad that specified "pro gear and looks."

2. "My fingers they dance upon the strings like fiiire."

3. I bet if you showed this to a 19-year old kid these days he would think it was a Tenacious D bit.

4. The singer gets his hair cut by the same guy as Shane Embury.

Our own magic mirror

So I looked into youtube and what did I see?

1. Bob Vigna with nice flowing hair. Well, sort of.
2. Sweet Necrovore shirt.
3. Ross without hair down to his ass.

A few questions to ponder this morning:

1. Did Immolation show you a lot of feeling on Dawn of Possession?
2. Why do they keep talking about feelings?
3. Why do they look so perfectly arranged? They almost look like they are striking a pose. Vogueing? No? Ok, fine!

Glen Benton Has A Webcam

I can remember it like it was yesterday..... the year was 1992. Deicide's "Legion" had just come out, and my brother and I were lucky enough to live in the epicenter of death metal at the time, Florida. The first real death metal show we attended was in Ft. Lauderdale, and the lineup was simply amazing, Entombed (first US tour I believe), Deicide, Malevolent Creation, Exhorder, Dead Horse and a few other local bands. It was an odd scene. The club, which appeared to be a strip club on every other night but this one, was loaded with women that were clearly prostitutes. Sitting along the back (while Exhorder played "Slaughter in the Vatican",) these women, who all wore knee-high white leather boots, would leave with men from the audience through the front door or to the bathrooms, only to return minutes later alone, and do the same routine again with the next guy wearing a Godflesh shirt. My brother and I sat there, taking all this in. This was not exactly what we imagined the death metal scene was all about. I was 13, and this didn't seem very "evil".

In any case, Morbid Angel had been booked to play, but pulled out in the last minute. Similarly, Deicide ended up not playing, and the reason why they didn't play started to spread through the audience like wildfire. They had decided to go the beach instead of playing once they arrived to Ft Lauderdale. This, to me, was absolutely baffling. Weren't they really evil guys? The beach seemed like the most un-evil place on earth to me, and I didn't understand how they would pass up this night of brutal metal to go to the beach. But then I looked around, and saw the ladies in the white leather boots...and I knew right then and there that the world simply wasn't what I thought it was. I was crushed.

Upon finding the picture of Glen Benton on his webcam, I started to wonder if some other young kid is going through the same experience today upon seeing that Glen has a webcam...and uses it to make such stupid faces. What a bummer. To think that at one point we thought this guy was evil. Damn. What's next? Is Tom G. Warrior going to have a blog? Oh wait, he already does.

Why Does Paul Stanley Speak Like A Southern Black Woman When He's On Stage?

I have no idea how Stanley Harvey Eisen (his real name), a nice Jewish boy from Queens can end up speaking in such an effeminate manner that he comes off as a straight up southern black woman. If you enjoy his over the top, cringe worthy banter.... you're in luck my friend. A fantastic recording titled "People, Let Me Get This Off My Chest" is out. Follow this link to download. Try not to barf and laugh at the same time when you see the cover, taken from his picture on the back of the Crazy Nights album.

A Tiny Italian Elf Takes Pride In His Invention

Ronnie James Dio has often taken a laid back approach about the fact that he invented (or at least appropriated from Italian Catholic folklore), the use of the "horns" hand signal within the world of heavy metal. But damn, for a guy who is humble and laid back about it... he sure talks about it a whole lot. Though not referenced in this interview, a debate exists as to who used the sign first, Dio or Gene Simmons. Gene claims he first used it on the cover of the Kiss album Love Gun. It should be noted that:
1. The cover for Love Gun is a painting, so the painter/illustrator should be credited, note Gene.
2. Said cover also depicts Peter Criss as being roughly 6'1", and having muscular arms.... so you know it's fictional at best.
3. Gene Simmons is a raging lunatic, and a douche (proof here.)
4. The cover does have an amazingly homoerotic quality to it. Just look at Paul and Peter's poses. Oh my.

Thursday, January 17, 2008

Cemetary gates

Nitro potpurri

It's no secret that NITRO is one of my favorite bands in the world. What's unfortunate is that not nearly enough kids these days know about them, so I thought I'd share some choice selections.

Figure 1: Video for "Freight Train"

Figure 2: Jim Gillette hits an insane scream

Figures 2a, 2b: Others follow his lead

Figure 3: Bobby Rock's incredible website

Figure 3b: A sample from Bobby Rock's upcoming book "Hypothetical Erotica"
From there, you will be given 20 minutes alone for "self-exploration," just to check out your new body and see how everything works. Then, you are to join the woman you saw in the mock hotel setting for a 45-minute sexual escapade, which will include, among other things, mutually administered oral sex. Afterward, you are to return to the original bed with the headgear, where your consciousness will be shifted back into your body. You will then wake up, and while your body was not actually involved, you will retain all knowledge, memory and sensation of the experience.

War inside my head

When I was a child I loved Suicidal Tendencies more than anything in the whole world. That's why it sends sharp jolts of agony through my heart to see my heroes reduced to what is essentially a bad high school punk band- you know, that awful one that would play every single show at whatever venue because the drummer's uncle owned it or something.

Lots of those bands have a song where they make fun of emo, pop punk, top 40, or another genre. Usually the song starts out with them playing some poppy tune- so the audience is all, "Dude, what?! What's this shit?!" then all of a sudden, they stop playing that pussy shit and bust out the metal/punk. This is one of those songs. Oh, how the mighty have fallen. a dead animal on the side of the road...

Do a search for “Glen Benton between song banter” and strike a vein of rich comedy gold that seems to run deeper than anything your mind could imagine. I feel foolish that I never knew this existed, but here it is. I am amazed, I am delighted and I am tickled a brutal blood red. I couldn’t even decide if I should post one section or all. So I bring you all 11:44 minutes of this treat from 1992!

To empty threats made by Benton to a man of god.

To the ramblings of a death metal front man that sounds like your drunk grandpa.

To Benton make fart sounds into the phone in an attempt to replicate a demon growl.

To AM talk radio!!!

The crucial time in all of this is at about 10:31. Listen and find out how to accent the punchline to a good joke.


Background Detail:

"Glen Benton Vs. Bob Larson" by Comedy Gold!

Heated phone calls between Glen Benton of Satanic death metal group Deicide and Xtian radio and television evangelist Bob Larson. Originally broadcast for free to the general public, live over the AM airwaves on Larson's "Talk Back" show, sometime in 1992.

80s thrash meme: Heavy metal musicians as guerrilla outlaws

In the 1980s, heavy metal musicians thought of themselves as martyrs, as warriors in a world half Mad Max and half Ayn Rand. They constructed elaborate narratives in which they cast themselves as noble soldiers fighting the authoritarian forces that sought to suppress freedom of expression. These fierce fighting men used the only weapon in their arsenal: HEAVY METAL.

Exhibit 1: Keel - The Right To Rock
"America, 1989. Rock has been driven underground. The authorities stalk private broadcasters and their followers. Those who are apprehended suffer the consequences."

Exhibit 2: Queensryche - Queen of the Reich
"In the millenium after the fourth Great War the world was in chaos. An evil adventurer had discovered an ancient computer energized by a crystal so powerful that it enabled her to enslave the world and become Queen... Queen of the Reich! Many tried to destroy the Queen and failed only to be absorbed into her computer shrine. Mankind's last hope was the five freedom fighters..."

Call The Cultural Cold War Off. America Has Lost.

Isn't it just like the Japanese to outdo everything that Americans hold dear? Toyotas and Hondas outsell Detroit's finest ten to one. Oh but that's not enough, no. The Japanese know that if they really want to take us down, they have to hit us where it hurts...and this hurts. With this video the Japanese have outdone the lone cultural icon that America could hold over their head....Nitro. Call the cultural cold war off. America has lost.


Exhibits "A" and "B" in the trial against the white race. Please watch these now. I dare you not to die of laughter.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

The Germans Have Time Travel Technology!

Some people think time travel is impossible. I disagree. Time travel is not only possible, its also cheap. Buy a plane ticket to almost any European country, and only minutes after your arrival you will probably see people everywhere wearing Manowar, Piledriver, Tankard, and Laaz Rockit shirts. If you're lucky, while visiting Poland you may even see a car full of teens blasting Overkill out of their Lada, singing I did my last time in Poland. How can you explain the fact that Manowar can fill arenas in Europe, but could only get 80 people at a free show that was being taped for a video in Columbus, Ohio (which I was there for by the way)? The answer? For many Europeans, the year right now is 1987. This video is the proof.

Please kill me if I ever stop laughing at Pro-Pain jokes

I remember that I liked this band a lot when I was a kid, although in retrospect I am completely baffled as to why that could ever have been the case. Being a crossover band with rap elements is bad enough, but even within that awful genre, they are a few steps below Mucky Pup and Shootyz Groove on the ladder of credibility.

Years later, I had a friend that was in a band with one of these guys (the bassist, I think). As soon as I found out who he was, I immediately sang the chorus to this song to him. He was a good sport about it.

David Vincent. The Man. The Myth. The Muffin Top.

Men are often mocked for the things they will do for women. It would be easy to blame David Vincent's wife (and Genitorturers singer) for making him go from being a regular-strength idiot during his early years in Morbid Angel, to the raging douchebag he is now that he plays for the Genitorturers (and dresses like a fat girl who shops at Hot Topic). In case you're wondering, yes that really is a picture of him up there. This poor fool is holding down two jobs, now that he's back in Morbid Angel, because the payments on the Corolla aren't making themselves, and his damn wife keeps wanting to buy new rubber body suits with pentagrams on them. Look, the guy was always a dope (remember when he wore an SS uniform during the tour with Kreator and Paradise Lost?) but this is getting out of control. On a fashion note....David, wearing a leotard is far from evil, and it's not flattering to your figure. Come on brother, just like your mom, your weight goes right to your mid-section. You know that!

Tuesday, January 15, 2008


I don't think they made a video for Thrashard, so this is the best thing I could find.

My thoughts on the scene

The way I see it, we're all in the same scene.. Like maybe you like death metal, and I like grindcore, but there's no reason we can't still be friends even if our musical taste is so different. I mean for example I'll listen to anything from Bolt Thrower to Exit 13. The other day I was just sitting in my room listening to some records, and my roommate was like "Hey what are you listening to, man?" and I told him that I had just been jamming the new Benediction tape, a few tracks off of the Desultory demo, and some Brutality. He was totally blown away and he looked at me like I was crazy, but to me it's not really a big deal to listen to all kinds of different music like that. I mean to me it's all the same, and we're all one big happy (psycho!!) family... so let's start acting like it! I don't care if you have long hair, short hair, if you're black, white, red, or purple- let's just throw up the fuckin horns together!!!

Chris Barnes explains the difference between death metal and grind

I love the way his upstate NY hick accent comes out when he says "guitars", like "gitterrs." It's almost like "DA BERS!"

Tampa hits the big screen!

I as a young child
hearing that this existed.
my life has meaning

This is our neighborhood!

This rare gem of an audio clip, found on WFMU's site, brings us a short performance of the infamous A.C. with some clever Seth Putnam vs audience banter. Apparently some chick in the crowd doesn't know how to take a joke. If she can't take the brutality of seeing A.C. maybe she should have stayed at home to listen to some hippie crap like CRASS or Santana. You can hear what only appears to be Seth berating various show goers and a girl crying. All very funny. He also tries to start another song midway through the girl bellyaching about how he must hate womyn.

Lesson learned: People in California do not seem to enjoy fun.

Info is as follows:

"LIVE AT NIGHTBREAK S.F. CA 8-/6/93" by Anal Cunt

A live set that lasted for about 3 minutes followed by an argument between singer Seth Putnam, the audience, and a girl Seth had just hit in the face with a microphone...Seth spent that night in jail.

Sabado Gigante + Thrash Metal = Gold

Many of my non-spanish speaking friends often ask me to explain to them what the hell the TV show Sabado Gigante is all about. Well, it's a four to six hour variety show that started in Chile and is hosted by the gregarious "Don Francisco" (his real name by the way, is Mario Kreutzberger Blumenfeld, sadly it's not just American Jewish entertainers who have to change their names due to antisemitism). But really, all you need to know is that during the late 80's the Chilean thrash band Necrosis was featured on the show, making for one of the most surreal moments in TV history.

03:00 - Don Francisco gets the entire audience to headbang.

- A confused Don Francisco throws a peace sign, thinking he's throwing the horns

- An incredibly old man risks an aneurysm as he bangs his head.

Public Access, Tampa Style

Back in 1988 I was just seven years old and busy listening to Duran Duran and watching He-Man cartoons. Unbeknownst to me, some 1,100 miles southwest of New Jersey something EVIL was brewing in Tampa, Florida. That something happened to be the death metal band Amon. Glen Benton, Steve Asheim, and the brothers Hoffman would later change their name to Deicide, but two years before releasing their legendary debut album on Roadrunner Records they were still struggling in obscurity and had only released one demo, "Feasting the Beast."

This piece of YouTube gold features Amon performing live in the studio on some public access television show out of Tampa. The video begins with a Barbara Walters look alike talking up this new breed of music called “death metal” that’s being spawned in Tampa and how the artists are “stars” across the ocean, but struggling to find an audience here at home. Next is a short David Vincent interview clip where he expounds upon the boundarylessness of death metal followed by a short Glen Benton interview clip where he talks about how he’s been burning a cross into his forehead for over a year. And then finally, the main event! Some dork in a tuxedo and bowtie that looks like a cross between "Mean Gene" Okerlund and Robert Crumb sweating bullets introduces the band and they break into a furious rendition of “Sacrificial Suicide.” Note the ridiculous outfits the band is wearing replete with spikes, chest plates, and shin guards. Behold a piece of death metal history…

Danny Spitz Is The Leading Cross-Eyed Watchmaker In The Greater Boca Raton Area

Remember how sitcoms in the 80s and early 90s would routinely do a clip-episode where they would simply recycle parts of old episodes under the guise of the characters remembering something? This post is kinda' like that, a rehash of a short, but greatly under appreciated post from the early days of M.I.

To the left we see Danny, working at his shop like the little Jewish watchmaking elf that he is. To the right, we see a picture showing his fantastic taste in facial hair, and his amazingly googly eyes. When you're around him, you better not try any funny business. He's got his eye on just won't know which one.

Got the time tick, tick, tickin' in my head!

Out of all the occupations that a cross-eyed man is well suited for, complex watchmaking (with its miniature parts and precision mechanisms) is certainly not at the top of the list. Well, much like paraplegics who are mountain climbers, or the squirrel who water skiis ...Danny Spitz from Anthrax has beaten all the odds and become a certified watchmaker.

You can read more about his passion for perpetual calendar chronographs, see information about his credentials and learn more about his Boca Raton shop here. Please note the slight, but certainly obvious case of Robb Flynn's disease that Danny is currently suffering from...I mean, that facial hair. Oh my. Even Jewish guys from Queens are not immune. Stay tuned for details about D.D. Verni ditching his life as Overkill's bass player for a fruitful career in heating and cooling.

Morbid Angel Practicing In A Storage Space

If you've ever gone to see a friend's band practice you know it's the most depressing and boring thing you could possibly do, but when the band is Morbid Angel, the location is a Florida storage space, and the year is know you're in for a rare treat.

A few things to notice:

00:01 - Pete Sandoval's awful, and uneven double-bass technique
00:07 - Drywall and stud construction within the practice space to keep the noise down, and potentially kill Pete Sandoval from heat exhaustion
01:06 - David Vincent's amazing boots. Perfectly appropriate for Florida. Also, his sweet ride
01:39 - At least David Vincent (a known racist) allows the one minority band member a fan to keep him somewhat cool inside the storage space
03:32 - Pete Sandoval gets yelled at for speeding up
03:55 - Annoying tag-alongs who found out where Morbid Angel practices start making requests (though they don't even know the names of the songs), and David Vincent is having none of it. They simply don't understand his musical genius.

05:22 - David Vincent makes the most un-evil, awful faces in the history of metal
06:44 - A man who appears to be a shirtless Mike Browning from Nocturnus (and previously Morbid Angel) shows us just how little you can wear and still be considered "clothed" according to Florida law.
06:57 - An annoyed David Vincent tells the cameraman to take a hike

Nothing Says "Class" Like A Tasteful Darkthrone Timepiece

Black Metal worked best when the pioneers of its second wave lurked in the shadows of Norway's metal scene. At least it appeared that way from afar, since we didn't see them shopping for Billy shelves at Ikea and living with their parents. Nevertheless, the image of Black Metal has been ruined by color photography and flashy videos. Oh, and Darkthrone watches. Yes, as part of Darkthrone's official merchandise offerings, there are now multiple Darkthrone watches here, each with a comprehensive warranty. Oh boy.

Wikipedia fascists deleted my entry on WIGGER SLAM METAL

I've always been interested in giving back to the community, so I thought I would help out the scene by adding some information on wigger slam metal to the Wikipedia entry on death metal. Little did I know that they're a bunch of fucking fascists that want to silence the people, and those fags deleted my work mere minutes after I created it! Well like Mike Muir says, "you can put a bullet in my head, but you can't kill a word i've said. VIVA LA REVOLUTION!"

With that in mind, here is the content THEY DIDN'T WANT YOU TO READ!! Don't let them win- add this back to their bullshit excuse for a death metal page!
===Wigger Slam Metal===A popular sub-genre of Slam death metal known as [[Wigger]] Slam Metal has sprung up over the past half-decade, spearheaded by artists such as [[Dying Fetus]] and Long Island's [[Internal Bleeding (band)Internal Bleeding]], and more recently their Scandanvian counterparts [[Soils of Fate]] (although some historians classify Internal Bleeding as Guido Slam Metal). While not part of the classic Wigger Slam Metal canon, Mortician vocalist Will Rahmer's tough-guy attitude and demeanor must surely be included in the list of historical antecedents for Wigger Slam Metal. Wigger Slam Metal is defined by its hip-hop influences, which generally manifest themselves in lyrics rife with gang, crime, and urban imagery not unlike the lyrics of bands like Biohazard or 25 Ta Life. Wigger Slam Metal bands often incorporate samples from films like Goodfellas or Scarface. Specific musical elements include TR-808 bass drops and syncopated drumming reminiscent of funk or rap beats.The origins of Wigger Slam are unclear, although most scholars believe that the first known crossover between hip-hop and death metal is in the liner notes of "World Downfall" by [[Terrorizer]], in which the band thanks "E.Z.E." and "N.W.A."