Thursday, July 31, 2008

Best Interview Ever

I've tried to publish this post twice now and each time it deletes what I've written and I'm too lazy to type it all out again, so just watch this interview because it's hilarious and retarded and shot in someone's mom's basement and John Gelso sounds like a girl and looks like Peter Criss. Yet another reason why Black Metal bands should only ever be photographed in black in white and very low light and never inteviewed.

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Chris Barnes: Stage Banter All-Star

Rare shot of Chris Barnes having a panic attack, after realizing that he doesn't make enough money to make the payments on his 1993 Toyota Tercel.

There was a time when Chris Barnes was taken half-seriously by some. That was before he started wearing JNCO jeans and track jackets. When you listen to his stage banter abilities (from his Cannibal Corpse days) you realize that the man was in fact a genius. Oh how the mighty have fallen.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Girl bands I like

I'm not really big on chicks starting bands, because usually they're just crappy versions of a dude band and even though they try hard, they're never really that good. Sort of like the WNBA, or when a woman is your boss. That said, there are a few chick bands that don't disappoint.

The first time I heard 13 was on "Cry Now, Cry Later" almost 15 years ago, but they released a few records, all of which were excellent and predated the current "stoner" trend by over a decade. I had no idea until the other day that the singer for 13 is now apparently in Electric Wizard (if they are still a band), and pretty hot to boot.

The one on the right could be an American Apparel model.

Man, people joke about this band, but I think they were great. They were brutal as fuck, like a way more sludgy, downtuned version of Winter or something. I seriously think they were an awesome band, although no matter what I say this will probably sound sarcastic since nobody takes them seriously. And you know what? I don't want to live in a world where Mythic is a joke! Fuck this place.

Anyway rather than describe them myself, I'll use the words of
Post-apocalyptic misery metal crafted from simple chromatic scales of power chords and rumbling basic drumbeats, rubbery bass distorting the rest in an avalanche of distorted scalatures reverberating between polar counterpoints of foundation to the interval space of chromatic gesture that form the harmonic basis to each song.
I couldn't have said it better myself! That guy is a genius!!

Nuclear Death
Like most everybody reading this blog, I have listened to some pretty fucked up music in my day, but I honestly don't think anything compares to Nuclear Death. Lots of bands try hard to be shocking (yawn), but Nuclear Death's lyrics had the weird, unhinged quality that only the truly insane can create.

What's a bit disappointing is that Lori Bravo has several YouTube videos that are not very brutal, and I am no longer sure how much I like Nuclear Death. For example, in this one she pets her kitten and talks about Wal-Mart, getting a new social security card, and making dioramas. Also she does acoustic covers of Cat Power and John Frusciante... oh how the mighty have fallen!! Making dioramas?! Come on!!

Monday, July 28, 2008

Great moments in art history: Grim Reaper

Out of all the triumphs in the world of art, few can compare to the cover of Grim Reaper's seminal album "Fear No Evil". Grim Reaper is known to most simply as "the band with the hideous singer whose looks made everyone around the world dry-heave in disgust", or the band whose video had a cameo by Joey Belladona. But with time, we have gained insight. With that insight, we have come to see the undeniable value of this fantastic cover.

Hair Side-Note:
Grim Reaper toured once with Anthrax in the mid 80s. That's all it took for them to take on the absolutely worst characteristic of our beloved New York City thrashers...the poodle haircut. The diagram above shows the three characteristic shapes found within Charlie Benante's stylish poodle cut. The poodle haircut, in case you didn't know, was a rare sub-genus of the mullet species, primarily seen in the greater New York City area. The poodle haircut required constant attention and primping, much like a topiary at Epcot Center.

Fantastic topiaries in gardens such as these require much less work than the poodle cuts found atop New York thrashers like Anthrax.

And Now, Back To The Record Cover:
Breaking away from the norm, the artist of this masterpiece turned his back on oils and airbrushing (common media of the day) and made the bold move of using colored pencils and (perhaps) pastels. Pencils, though not commonly known as an effective device to portray true brutality, nevertheless managed to beautifully convey an amazing scene for this cover. Why do I say "amazing"? Just think about what is being shown in this terrifying piece of art. Picture yourself chillin' in church (or a holy place of your choice) with your parents. You're about 13, and you're there because your mom makes you go. In reality, you'd rather be home watching Hellraiser in the basement, or listening to...say....Grim Reaper. You're wearing ill-fitting, pleated-front khakis, along with the free plastic belt they came with. The sermon is moving along slowly, and you're bored to tears. All of a sudden....BOOOM! A god damned motorcycle-riding skeleton bursts through the stained glass windows like the Kool-Aid man! Holy Mary mother of baby Jesus! It's the Grim Reaper skeleton! Tell me this wouldn't totally make your day?

This is kinda' what a bored teenager looks like, while in church, in most western countries. Note the Lens Crafters "2 for $49.99" wire rim glasses.

Now, I'm no art expert so I'm not sure how this cover has anything to do with the title "Fear No Evil". But maybe it does. Am I not supposed to fear him? He's certainly evil. He's plenty evil actually, sorry if that opinion is not very metal...but I'd be scared as all hell. I mean, look, if this guy is riding his motorcycle through those expensive stained glass windows, he's pretty evil! And, at the risk of sounding like a little bitch, I do fear him. What would you do if you were just sitting quietly in church and a god damned motorcycle-riding skeleton plowed through the window? At the very least, you'd be startled. Don't try to be all metal and say "nah dude, that would be rad!", cus you know you'd be scared as all hell. Come on, the old ladies in church would freak the hell out, piss their diapers and at least one of them would die from a heart attack. Why you ask? Did I mention that a fucking motorcycle just burst through the fucking stained-glass window? Oh...and another thing, the fucking motorcycle was being ridden—not by a normal human being—no. It was the fucking Grim Reaper on two fucking wheels!

With that out of the way, let me comment on a couple of other things. First, look at the impressive work that was put into his robe. Sadly, no such work went into the perspective. Just look at the part of the wall that is visible on the right. Oops, it's going the other way. Also, by the time he finished the robe and had to draw the outside of the building that is visible through the broken window, the very place the Grim Reaper is coming from, he decided to call it a day and simply paint it all black. I also love how this skeleton dude is pure evil, but still manages to place his big toe, every so gently once inside the building. Based on the length of his toenails, I'd say the man is due for a day of pampering and a mani-pedi, but he's still demure with his toe placement. Also, check out those teeth. Oh my.

A rare photo of the Grim Reaper at a mani-pedi party with friends.

Regarding the motorcycle, I'm hoping an enthusiast out there can fill us in on the accuracy of the steel horse he's ridding. Isn't he riding super far back on the bike? The bike seems to have no brake mechanism in the front wheel at all either. That's pretty evil, no brakes...dude is crazy evil! I see brake levers, but no disc brake in the front hub. I thought those were pretty much standard, no? Also, the front wheel is not exactly round either. I think it's pretty cool that even though he's the Grim Reaper and all, he still likes to personalize his bike. Note the goat/devil head in the front suspension. That's like the equivalent of a "baby on board" sign in the underworld. They're all the rage down there.

Lastly, I took this picture of my own personal copy of the album. Check out the sweet contest they were running when the album came out, it was called "Reaper Madness". Get it? It's like "Reefer Madness"! More importantly, you could win a Grim Reaper jersey or headband! Oh man! I'm so bummed that by the time I bought this record, the contest had ended like 10 years earlier. Damn.

Friday, July 25, 2008

Italian monk who looks like Lars Ulrich's dad starts metal band.

Italy isn't just about pasta, Catholic guilt, mafiosi and trains not running on time. Oh wait, it is. But aside from that, some cool things happen there from time to time. For example, an Italian Capuchin monk has started a metal band with some dudes that look like aging Limp Bizkit fans. You see, he was inspired after having seen Metallica live, which makes him one of only three people worldwide to have seen the band live in the last decade and not thrown up consistently for the subsequent 24 hours. I thought the only people Metallica ever inspired, were fat 15 year olds who picked up a bass and learned how to play "Orion". In case you're wondering, yes it's a monk...and not Lars Ulrich's dad.

In this picture we see Beardo-Papa Ulrich taking a quiet break from making his tiny son feel inadequate on film.

But wait. Before we get to the video of the monk rocking out...I should mention that Torben Ulrich actually has a band of his own. As it turns out, he's a semi-acomplished jazz clarinet player, who was taught how to play the instrument by Jazz great Sidney Bechet. So, perhaps he knew a little something when he told Lars to "delete that" regarding a new track Metallica recorded in the movie Some Kind Of Monster. You can read about Beardo Ulrich's band here. He's also some kind of artist (get it? A Metallica reference). Way better than Paul Stanley's work. Here's one of his paintings below. You can see more in his site.

Okay, enough about papa Ulrich. Here's the video of the metal monk.

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Death Magnetic Approaching!

The release of a new Metallica album will always be an event for me. Yes, I know they suck. Yes, I know they've sucked for years now. I'm not ashamed to admit that they were my favorite band for most of my young adult life and maybe there is still a small part of me that hopes they will somehow recapture the magic of their glory days, but I don't believe in miracles. There's a morbid fascination/curiosty at work. Sometimes you can't help but look at things you know will repulse/scare/anger you. Like how you always slow down when approaching a car accident to observe the damage. Or like how you've clicked on the Goatse and Tub Girl jpgs a million times. There's some innate primal urge that draws us to these things and it is exactly that urge that fills me with anticipation for Metallica's upcoming new album, Death Magnetic. I cannot wait to hear all the shitty riffs, weak double bass, and embarassing lyrics. The awful cover art is certainly a good start.

two musical geniuses hard at work.

I don't know how Metallica can possibly top the shitstorm that was their last album, St. Anger. That album might just be the worst ever made. The drums that sounded like fucking garbage cans, the guitars that sounded Korn, no solos, and every song went on for what felt like days. Who can forget classic lines like "My lifestyle determines my deathstyle." If anyone can do it though, Metallica can. With each new album since the Black album they've managed to successfully lower the bar and I don't expect this new album to be any different. Keep in mind that Death Magnetic has been described as the missing link between ...And Justice for All and the Black album. Uh, yeah, I'm sure that'll be the case.

They just posted the track listing yesterday and there's some amazingly retarded titles. I'm really glad to see that they've decided to write a SECOND sequel to "The Unforgiven." Totally necessary. Hopefully they'll make another nonsensical video for it.

1. That Was Just Your Life
2. The End of the Line
3. Broken, Beat & Scarred
4. The Day That Never Comes
5. All Nightmare Long
6. Cyanide
7. The Unforgiven III
8. The Judas Kiss
9. Suicide & Redemption
10. My Apocalypse

They haven't set a release date for Death Magnetic yet, but it's supposed to come out sometime in September, which is right around the corner. To hold you over until then enjoy this compilation of sound clips that have been posted on the Mission Metallica website. The line "Suicide, I've already died!" sounds particularly promising.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

My Life As A Poet (AKA: Stealing From Slayer)

I learned how to speak English around the time I was 12, after moving to the US of A. I won't bore you with the details under which the move happened. I will, however, tell you that upon landing on American soil both my brother and I were rocking severe mullets, and were both sporting our jean jackets (with dope back patches).

Learning English was tough, but within a few months I had a pretty good command of the language. It was around that time, however, that my English class had an assignment I simply could not complete with my less-than-perfect skills in such a new language: poetry. After quickly realizing that I simply didn't have the necessary command of the language to write a variation on "roses are red, violets are blue..." I quickly decided to do what any self-respecting metal head would do. Steal from Slayer.

For some unknown reason, the song I decided to go with still baffles me to this day, "Silent Scream". At such an young age, the idea of abortion had barely entered my I have no idea why on earth I thought a graphic song about that subject would make for a perfectly appropriate poem to pass off as my own. In case you've forgotten the lyrics, please read them below. Imagine what a teacher must have thought, and keep in mind that I was 12 at this point.

Nightmare, the persecution
A child's dream of death
Torment, ill forgotten
A soul that will never rest

Guidance, it means nothing
In a world of brutal time
Electric, circus wild
Deep in the infants mind

Silent scream
Bury the unwanted child
Beaten and torn
Sacrifice the unborn

Shattered, adolescent
Bearer of no name
Restrained, insane games
Suffer the children condemned

Scattered, remnants of life
Murder a time to die
Pain, suffrage toyed
Lifes little fragments destroyed

Silent scream
Crucify the bastard son
Beaten and torn
Sanctify lives of scorn

Life preordained
Humanity maintained
Extraction termination
Pain's agonizing stain

Embryonic death
Embedded in your brain
Suffocation, strangulation
Death is fucking you insane

Nightmare, the persecution
A child's dream of death
Torment, ill forgotten
A soul that will never rest

Innocence withdrawn in fear
Fires burning can you hear
Cries in the night
I'm fairly certain that the only change I made to the song's lyrics, in order for them to be acceptable as homework, was to remove the work "fucking", but that was about it. The fact that my parents weren't contacted as a result, or that the authorities weren't called is amazing.

I should point out that doing this (plagiarism at an early age) runs in my family. My brother did it once (maybe he'll post about it) and my cousin did also. My cousin decided to pass off the lyrics to Public Enemy's "Fight The Power" as his own. He got an A, and was asked to read his poem outloud in class. No, I'm not making this up. Imagine the reaction of a 20 teenagers circa 1989 listening to a classmate try to pretend that the song they all knew was a poem. Classic.

Anyway, I'd like to blame this whole thing on not totally understanding English at that point in my life...but I don't think that was the case. This is just further proof that I have always been an absolute idiot.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Great moments in art history: More splendid record covers

M.A.C.E- The Evil In Good
This band were an early thrash band from my home town of Everett, Washington, often playing with other local legends like The Accused, Dumt, Date Rape, Last Gasp, and Forced Entry. This cover is an excellent example of basically everything that makes a great metal cover, or at least that's what I thought in 5th grade when this came out: exquisitely detailed renderings of people getting tortured and killed. It's OK that the proportions are all wrong and that the heads look like deflated balloons, what's important is that the guy who drew this slaved away with his 00 Rapidograph for ages, stippling like a madman.

The best tool for drawing metal covers (well, maybe 2nd only to the airbrush)

Black Sabbath - Sabotage
If I saw this cover now I would think it was a poster for some new Jack Black movie, or maybe a Saturday Night Live sketch. I understand that fashion ages quickly and poorly, but come on now... did anyone really think that red tights (with no shoes) and a leather jacket would stand the test of time? Much like the early Judas Priest videos where they wore silk, paisley robes and long, straight blond hair that would make Carly Simon jealous, it is hard to imagine what they were thinking.

Mordred - Fool's Game & Limbrionic Art - Epitome of Illusions
These records have nothing to do with each other, but I am going to lump them together under the "trippy surrealistic checkerboard" umbrella. I am not sure why, but in the 80s this was very popular, particularly among thrash bands who wanted to show that they weren't "just a thrash band" and wanted to "stretch the limits of the genre," and showed it with their "mindblowing" album covers. Perhaps it was because computers had only recently become capable of doing raytracing, with the de rigeur demonstration of the technique being a shiny sphere sitting on a checkerboard.

I think it is easy to imagine the GIF above on the cover of a thrash album. Just picture the Voivod logo above the robot's head.

Cannibal Corpse - Hammer Smashed Face
This is one of my very favorite death metal songs of all time, maybe even the best. However, I am a bit confused by the cover. This corpse is clearly already somewhat decomposed. Apparently the subject of the song attacked a rotting corpse with a hammer. This is certainly a deranged act, but in comparison to killing a person with a claw hammer like the song suggests, it really isn't that impressive. I mean, they're already dead, what's the big deal?

Aftermath - Don't Cheer Me Up
Who hasn't felt like this? You're sitting on the steps by yourself in a radioactive wasteland, bummed because your boss is a fucking jerk or whatever. And your friend, who is dying at your feet is all "Dude I know he sucks, but it could be worse. Just try to be positive." And then you're all "Fuck you man, leave me alone!! Don't try to make me feel better, I hate his fucking guts, he treats me like a fucking kid!" And your friend is like "Dude I know. Fuckin' bosses man, they're all the same." But you don't care, because you want to be mad! It feels good to be pissed off! Aftermath are pissed off!! They don't want to be cheered up! They don't need your fucking sympathy!!!

Monday, July 21, 2008

Kids Playing Metal (aka: Asian kids can play "Crazy Train" at an earlier age than non-Asian kids. Science says so.)

Yup, it's true. The reason why many of you weren't able to play "Crazy Train" when you were six is because you're not Asian. Don't believe it? Science says so. You see, Asian languages rely heavily on tonal differences, which lead Asian children to have absolute pitch (aka perfect pitch) more often than non-Asian kids. Watching this video makes me so jealous.

Note: After "Crazy Train", the video gets decidedly un-metal, unless you consider Eric Clapton Metal.

Compare that to this American kid playing Slayer. I know I sound like a jerk for making fun of him, but please compare the two. At first, you think the kid's double bass skills are pretty good. But then it starts to sound like a sack of potatoes falling down a set of steps.

In all these videos, you can almost see the parent aiming a gun at the kid, forcing him to play. Poor kids, destined to live out their stupid father's failed dreams of rocking out. At least the kids will have YouTube proof for their therapists one day.

But worry not Americans, this kid comes in and saves the day. He's also an aspiring Lombardo, but manages to play much better than the previous kid. Yes, his triplets need a little work, and he's a bit sloppy at times...but Lars Ulrich only wishes his playing was this tight. There is hope for the US of A after all.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Twisted Sister: Leaders of the Wack Pack

So, we all know what tools Twisted Sister were/are, correct? In case you forgot, peep the video of their version of "Leader of the Pack".

The Shangri-Las probably never saw this video and thank God! There's only one thing sadder than Dee Snyder wearing a white leather jacket with fringe and that is a bunch of 80's glam "dudes" chanting "Yeah, we see", "Down, down" and "New, new."

I know they didn't exactly take the song or the video seriously, but these guys were retarded clowns, period. Dude, they wear sunglasses at night. I've hit dudes for doing that in bars in Brooklyn!

I know, of course, there will be the usual poser fags who will claim that TS was awesome and influential and God knows what other stupid shit, BUT let me remind you: This is Metal Inquisition, not Lame-Ass-Poser Inquisition. If you want to talk about TS and their make-up and shitty riffs or any other glam band, you should go here.

You're gonna tell me that these assfucks look like metal dudes? If you think this is metal, you need to pop in the 'Reign in Blood' cassette in your walkman, set it to auto-reverse and crank the fucker to 11.

A few more things that made me chuckle when watching this piece of garbage:

- Mr. Spock poster in the girls room.
- Cameo by Bobcat Goldthwait.
- One of the dudes is really short and looks hilarious standing next to the others.

The one thing i do find cool is the matching denim vests. I'm gonna buy some for the MI staff and we'll be as cool as these gents.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Evil D Arrested in Italy

A candid shot of Evil D and his prison bitch, Alessandro.

If you've ever been to Italy, then you know that Italians do not fuck around when it comes to airport security. They may not be able to win a war or protect their borders, but you cannot fuck with an Italian airport. There's carabinieri all over the place casually packing fully automatic firearms and I cannot tell you how many times I've had my luggage ransacked for no reason other than to make my life miserable.  It's no surprise then to find out that one of our favorite 90s death metal retards, David Vincent AKA Evil D, was arrested and charged with a weapons offence for carrying a bullet belt (Thanks to our loyal reader Jason for the tip). You can read the full Metal Hammer article about the incident here. Having personally spent many hours in Italian airports I cannot tell you how amusing I find this whole incident. I can totally picture airport security pulling the bullet belt out of Evil D's luggage, inspecting it, looking at each other, him pleading with them that it's not made of real bullets, then them whispering something to each other and within seconds 15-20 carabinieri swarming Evil D and escorting him to a holding cell. I'm not surprised that they questioned him for two and a half hours. When it comes to matters of airport security, Italians like to be thorough. When asked for a comment on the situation Evil D responded in his characteristic dickhead manner. "For 20 years I've had my same friendly bullet belt with me at all metal occasions. After 20 years of being a lawless individual, I'm happy that the Keystone Kops of spaghetti western fame have been able to show me the error of my ways." I'm sure it's that kind of attitude that got him into this fine mess in the first place. He's lucky the Italians are such understanding, forgiving people. In foreign countries around the world people have been brought before firing squads for much less!

Evil D going over the lyrics to a new song entitled "Eradication of the Etruscans."

Monday, July 14, 2008

Venom's Cronos Explains The Complex Inner Workings Of Their Musical Output, As Well As Metal Audiences

I know it's been said before....but god almighty, how can anyone in the world of black metal take the idiots in Venom seriously? Listening to these guys talk is almost more painful than listening to their music, or looking at pictures of them. Just look at the picture above. Nice roots Mantas, and nice pose also. Does it remind you of someone?

Here's another great shot of the not-so great band. Again, Mantas shows us how comfortable he is with gay imagery. Look at that mustache and sweet leather daddy outfit.

Anyway, on to the video. Please watch the video below and enjoy getting schooled by Cronos.

As grating as Venom band members are, at some point you begin to tune them out. It's like listening to your crazy grandpa talk endlessly. At first he annoys the hell out of you, then you tune him out...and quickly you find yourself asleep. Much like the sound of an air conditioner, a fan, or any other form of white noise, there's a soothing quality to it.

Friday, July 11, 2008

Kane Roberts: Renaissance Man Extraordinaire

Are you shitting me? I could (and maybe should) do a whole post on this cover. Did you notice the 'KANE' letters are on fire? They are on fire, man! And the helicopter is obviously looking for him 'cuz everyone knows it's illegal to attach bottle caps to your leather pants.

Well, Kane Roberts is the infamous Alice Cooper axe-man better known as "The douche with the machine-gun guitar who tries to look like Rambo." What most may not know is that Kane (real name Robert William) is a multi-talented Renaissance Man. This fucker is also an artist AND a video game designer! I hate "video game designers." There's something about that title that enrages me. I'm not sure what it is... maybe the fact that 80% of the people who claim to be "video game designers" are just fat losers waiting to die from a diabetic seizure induced by an over consumption of Jolt Cola, who think they are better than everyone in their on-line community 'cuz they can write 3 lines of code in their 'puter in their parents basement and read an on-line tutorial on texture mapping. (I know that was a run-on sentence, but it's OK 'cuz it's a pretty bad-ass diatribe). OK, back to Kane: His "art" is illustrated below. It's SO FUCKING TERRIBLE, I don't know where to start, so I'll make no comment and let the images "speak for themselves." Try not to choke on your saliva when LOLing.

Here's a few other images I came across during the research phase of the post:

Alice: "I hate you, Mom.. I'll kill you!" - Kane: "Me have big biceps."

The lamest/awesomest guitar store in the world. Is that a guitar in the shape of a priest in the back?

Teens in Sweden LOVE a buff dude with feather earrings and Sigourney Weaver doo. Seriously, do you know how much fresh poon I got in Uppsala last time I was there

Thursday, July 10, 2008

Glen Benton—New Chiquita Banana Spokesperson

If anyone ever asks me again why I think metal today sucks, and why I think back on the early 90s so fondly, I will show them this picture.

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Retroview: Dio - Holy Diver

Let me state my case plainly: if you do not like this album, you are a piece of shit. If you think this album is a joke, you're a retard and you don't know shit about metal. In fact, I'll go so far as to say that if you do not like this album you have no business listening to metal. It's as simple as that.

First of all, look at the cover! How much more metal can you get than some demon drowning a chained up priest from a mountaintop under an ominous sundown!? So fucking awesome.

The album kicks off with the balls out rocker "Stand Up and Shout." Vivian Campbell (of Def Leppard fame) lays down some killer riffs while Ronnie wails nonsensical shit like "You are the driver/ You own the road/You are the fire go on explode!" "Holy Diver" is a stone cold, undeniable classic. That epic, chugging, mid-paced riff is unforgettable. Again, I have no idea what the fuck any of it means, lines like "Ride the tiger/You can see his stripes but you know he's clean," make no sense, but who cares? From there Ronnie goes on to sing about riding gypsies, not talking to strangers, and being invisible. "Straight Through the Heart" is another favorite. It's four and a half minutes of pure fist-pumping, head-banging intensity. A song about a rainbow (even if it's in the dark) with a keyboard-driven melody doesn't sound very metal, but "Rainbow in the Dark" is an umistakable classic and perhaps Dio's finest moment. The album comes to a fitting close with the creepy-crawling power ballad "Shame On the Night" and in just over forty minutes you've experienced one of the greatest metal albums ever made.

And of course let us not forget the excellent videos that accompanied the album, the most memorable of which is for the title track, "Holy Diver." It features a fur-clad Ronnie James roaming a desolate land as the most improbable and least intimidating of warriors. He turns two vagabonds into rats with his sword and then visits a blacksmith where he receives a new sword and then proceeds to prance around a castle swinging his new sword around betraying the fact that he has no idea how to actually use it. I'm not sure which makes less sense, the video or the lyrics, but I love them both dearly.

The second video is of course for "Rainbow in the Dark." In this classic video we find our favorite heavy metal elf singing on the roof of some building in a leather vest with no shirt on while some creepy schlub in a suit lusts after some chubby girl he sees on the street. Vivian Campbell then rescues the girl from the clutches of the creepy schlub by playing a guitar solo in his face and Ronnie continues strutting and singing on the roof. Keep your eyes peeled for his pointy, fur-lined white boots. Mama mia!

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Sacred Cow Barbeque: Kid Rock is better than your favorite metal band

Unlike Metallica, Kid Rock has many excellent songs


Everyone likes to point out how bad their post-Black album stuff is, but the truth is that their entire catalog is terrible. They were always the weak, watered down thrash band for pussies that couldn't handle Forced Entry, Destruction or Dark Angel. The best thing that ever came out of Metallica was Kid Rock sampling them in "American Badass." I love that song!! Although I am impressed that I still see Midwestern white trash teenagers wearing "Ride the Lightning" shirts and smoking cigarettes with surly looks on their faces.

At this point, I think every witty caption about dumb black metal photos has already been written

True black metal
This stuff is terrible!! I will listen to just about anything: I love 311, Fergie, Lil Wayne, Miley Cyrus, and all kinds of other stuff with absolutely no credibility. But even I know that bad is bad is bad. It's popular to trash trendy beardo black metal like Xasthur (and rightly so), but have you ever actually listened to crap like Mayhem, Darkthrone, Dark Funeral, etc? It's unlistenable crap that makes Nuclear Death sound like overproduced top 40. These records are like comic books. I guess to white nerds that grew up in the suburbs it's enticing to put on a Dissection album and pretend you are a frozen ice viking or whatever, but I just don't get it.

You: "ZOMG 'Inverted'!!"

Later Gorguts
I love the first two Gorguts albums where they still sounded like generic Roadrunner death metal. The only thing that could have made them better is that Cryptkeeper guy from the Resurrection album doing intros. But internet metal nerds prefer their later albums where you can tell they listened to a bit too much Human Remains and Dillinger Escape Plan. If I wanted to hear skronky guitar parts and screeching I would listen to hardcore and do guitar flips in my bedroom! This is supposed to be death metal!

Monday, July 7, 2008

Cycling And Metal. A Merchandise Marriage Made In Heaven.

In honor of the Tour De France (which started Saturday), Metal Inquisition is proud to bring you a fantastic line-up of products that are sure to both dazzle boggle the mind. What could metal and cycling have in common you ask? That's a perfectly good question actually, but the go-getters at the apparel company Primal Wear are not bothered by such trivial questions, and thank god for that.

I always thought that the hands on the Master Of Puppets cover (I guess those are the hands of "the master") were really awkwardly drawn. They look like a pack of hot dogs, with one cruved kielbasa on each side as a thumb. When they are put on a cycling jersey so close the the person's neck, they look even worse. It looks like someone is giving the person wearing it a massage. Or maybe the hands are trying to strangle the person for being such a douche and actually wearing this shirt.

Nothing says "winner" like Kiss spandex shorts. Let the world know you're a huge idiot, and that you're helping Gene pay for another addition to his 18,000 square foot home. Seriously, is there anything that Kiss wouldn't license? They already have coffins for god's sake. Dimebag Darrell was buried in one, by the way.

If Lance Armstrong had worn this jersey, I think he could have won 8 Tours instead of 7. Note to Eddie: use less hair gel.

I hope to god that those aren't rhinestones on the sleeve. It's like someone got drunk and went nuts with a Bedazzler.

And justice for all? No. There's no justice for the people that will have to look at the 38 year old fat load who's gonna wear this stupid shirt while ridding his cruiser bike on a suburban bike path. I remember being so mad at Metallica for screwing up their logo for this album. Little did I know back then just how much more stuff I'd have to be pissed at them for in years to come.

"RIDE the lightning", RIDE...get it? When you wear this shirt, you can ride as fast as lighting. Oddly enough, people who see you wear this shirt, will hope you get hit by lightning, and die a slow painful death...kinda like Metallica has.