A few Colombian video treats

As a kid in Colombia I worshiped Kraken. Please check out the videos below and find out why. Lucho suggests I mention the mullets. i think they speak for themselves...

As I grew older and realized how shitty Kraken was, I moved to to Masacre:

That's all I got. Follow me on twitter, bitches!

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The Metal Inquisition Archives: Pencil renderings of metal bands (Part 1)

This is the first post (I mean "piece") in what will probably be a long series of posts about the contents of the recently found Metal Inquisition Archives. Much like a time capsule that was left behind for decades, the Metal Inquisition Archives feature incredibly telling artifacts from the lifelong commitment to metal that my brother and I have shared. A bit like our ongoing Metal Archeology series, this one will focus on the contents of a single storage bin that was recently unearthed. For many years, most of the contents of the archives were kept secret, partially due to having forgotten about them...but also as a result of my sheer embarrassment of its contents. Some years ago, in an attempt to make Sergeant D laugh, my brother and I shared some key pieces from this collection, and laugh he did. To this day, there are still a few things about the collection that he continues to bring up in order to make himself laugh. We hope you have a similar reaction. So why share this stuff with the world, when we've been hiding it for years? I have no idea. Perhaps I think of our readers as our family. No, that's probably not it at all. I guess I'm just an all-around good guy and want to share the wealth with the world. Either that, or I'm self destructive and hate myself, who knows. Let's get started.

What are these things?
The items I'm sharing with you today are some one of the key pieces of the collection. Both the Smithsonian and the Getty have been after these for sometime, but we turned down offers that totaled dozens of dollars, so that we may share these with you, our readers. You see, these are just some of the amazing drawings that my brother and I created back in 1988 and 1989, although some are as recent as 1991. As you will see, the artistic skills shown in these pieces of art are only rivaled by our lack of understanding of the English language. Sadly, Blogger is not great at showing large images...but don't worry, at the end of this series I'll provide a link so you can download a hi-res PDF of these pieces, which are suitable for framing (Thomas Kinkade, eat your heart out). In the meantime, double click the images, and enjoy them at a much larger size.

Why were these horrible "masterpieces" drawn in the first place?
I don't have a great answer to this question. My brother and I were not exactly loners growing up, but the huge stack of drawings in front of me seems to tell another story. We had friends, enjoyed sports, and took public transportation all over the city where we grew up. We weren't sickly or awkward (at least not too awkward), but I guess we also liked staying at home and drawing away. We were always obsessive as kids, and when metal became a part of our lives, we dove in head first. In South America back then, the chance of ever seeing a live metal band was slim at best. The opportunity of ever seeing a world-class band, or even a fifth-rate thrash band (I'm looking at you Laaz Rockit) was non-existent. Similarly, we had no access to magazines or even metal albums. All of our tapes were tenth generation dubs with no covers, and perhaps as a result of this isolation, our minds were left to wander. Sometimes, we would see a tiny bit of a band's video at a friend's house, and our minds were blown to the point of having to draw the image that had been burned into our minds. Looking at many of these drawings, I'm taken back to that time, and can easily place why certain things are in these drawings, such was the impact that imagery within the realm of metal had on me. It's for this reason that I often feel that those of us who grew up in seemingly distant and secluded nations had a greater bond to metal and other subcultures. This is not something I'm particularly interested in debating, as I'm certain I could be proved wrong, but when I think back to just how insanely obsessive we were about metal, I'm often left to think that it was more about our surroundings than our personalities. Like a religious fanatic who praises the unknown, metal seemed like a distant heavenly thing, and we worhsiped at the altar of metal.

How/when were these masterpieces drawn?
The majority of these pieces were done by me (each one signed and dated on the back), with a few being done by my brother as well. A few were done as collaborations since my brother was way better at drawing hair (especially mid-headbang), and I was better at drawing drumsets. You see, I badly wanted a set of drums, and my brother wanted a bass guitar. Although we lived in an extremely populous city, there was only one instrument shop in the whole city. We had never been there, as it was well over an hour away...so we also fetishized musical instruments as much as we did bands and metal in general. I'm not exaggerating when I tell you that the first time I ever saw a set of drums in person, I nearly fainted. I was so excited that I simply couldn't contain myself. Again, this speaks to the level of isolation that we lived in. Still, it was a great childhood, and many of those positive memories took place at my desk, drawing these amazing pieces of art. My bedroom was next door to the family room, in which my father's Sony stereo system sat. Since I didn't have a stereo in my room, my brother and I took one of the oversized speakers (one of those huge ones with the fake wood veneer), and put it in my room so we could listen to music. In order to play a tape, we would have to go into the other room, start up the tape, and then go back into my room to listen to the right channel only, since we only had the one speaker in the room. To this day, there are certain Slayer and Venom songs that sound weird to me as a result of now being able to hear both channels. From time to time, we would play radio DJ for one another, plugging a set of headphones in the other room and using them as a mic. "And up next is a killer track from Slayer", we would say into the set of headphones, trying to entertain one another as we drew for hours. My brother was particularly good at it, taking care to mix music behind his talking, a skill that would come in handy years later when he hosted his own metal radio show for about four years. Keep in mind that I was 10-11 at the time. I'm not saying my age makes it any less embarrassing, but I'm hoping it puts things into context for you.

It was through that old, piece of doo-doo Sony stereo that we would make dubs from our friend's tapes. The stereo, I should tell you, did not have two cassette decks, oh no. The way we copied tapes was by playing the cassette on my dad's stereo, and placing a small boombox by the speaker, which recorded the sound from the stereo. We surrounded the speaker and the boombox with pillows, and made sure not to talk or make any noise during the full duration of the dubbing session. Now that you have a clearer picture of when a 10-11 year old version of me worked on these drawings, you can enjoy them that much more.


The masterpieces



Let's just get this one out of the way right now. I know it's Mr Sergeant D's favorite, so this one's for him. Why on earth I shared this drawing with him many years ago, I'll never know...and why I'm posting these for all of you to laugh at me is also beyond me. First things first: yes, his shirt and the sticker on the guitar say:

Welcome to the hell

Did I warn you about my lack of English skills back then? I was 10 for god's sake, and all the English I knew was from Slayer songs and Eddie Murphy movies. This piece is unusual, in that it only depicts one member of a band, in this case the band is E.S.S., a made up crossover type band. When I say "crossover", I don't mean like DRI circa "Dealing With It". That would be way too cool. I mean, more like how Anthrax thought they were crossover by virtue of merely using the NYHC symbol on their guitars, and by having posed twice with a Variflex skateboard for a picture in RIP magazine. The band's name being three letters was a cue I took from bands that seemed to play har(d)core or punk, although I had never heard most of them. DRI, GBH, SOD, MOD...they all seemed the same to me. Again, I can't explain enough how detached I was from music and reality at large. Why his fretboard says "harcore", I'll never know. First of all (as a reader pointed out) it's missing a "d". But see.... I guess, he loved har(d)core music and wanted to let his fans know. Hey, no one gave James Hetfield any guff when he put that man/wolf design on his fretboard...so go take it up with him. The same is true for the backwards baseball hat, which I (for some odd reason) thought was a sign of being "har(d)core", and crossover. No one where I lived wore hats, it was a very American thing, and it seemed so odd to me. Note the GBH patch on his leg, which I erased for some reason. Lastly, I should point out that the guitar depicted is clearly a Jackson Dinky with a reverse headstock. I'm proud to say that after all these years, I'm a proud owner of that guitar, which I bought from one Sergeant D...active EMG pick-up and tremolo included.

Please note:

- The unbelievable detail on his fingers. The poor guy's left hand looks like a packet of hot dogs.

- E.S.S. stood for Eat Shit Stupid. I have no idea where I came up with that. If only I had access to the Nocturnus time machine, I'd use it to go and ask the 10 year old version of me what I was thinking.

- Highly realistic pose, at least as far as the legs are concerned.

- The guitar strap realistically shows the slack created by the dude having picked up the guitar to do his sweet solo. Come on, give me some credit here!!!





Another made up band, this time it's Satan Sons, not Satan's Sons...just Satan Sons. Apparently possessive nouns were a difficult thing for me to learn in the English language. As I think about it now, it sounds like a plumbing business. Toilet clogged? Are your drains slow? Call Satan Sons, they'll fix you right up.

Considering when this was drawn, I would have to say that the influences for this piece were primarily the Ultimate Revenge video, and seeing the back of the Venom Black Metal album cover. What is the bass player on the right doing? Honestly, and I'm not even kidding, he's doing some sort of salute or prayer to the devil. Seriously. I remember thinking about this, and you will see it appear in other drawings. I guess that's what being raised in a catholic country will do to you. Can you imagine walking into your 10 or 11 year old's room, only to find him drawing this?

Please note:

- The bass player is using a chain as a guitar strap

- The lines coming up from the top of the page are my highly realistic depiction of the amazing light show that Satan Sons no doubt had.

- Guitar player on the left has an SOD patch on his trenchcoat (kinda' funny since the name of the band shows I didn't know how to speak English at all)

- Slayer t shirt

- sweet band logo, which predated Deicide's trifixion







Let's just talk about the obvious thing first. Yes, the band's name is Anti Posers...and yes...the slogan behind them says "slay a poser, & get a free yo-yo". Even typing it out, I get the shakes, and begin to laugh. I have no rational way of explaining this at all...except that I must have hated posers back then, and felt the need to convey it through a made up band that I drew. As far as how the band ran this promotion, or if it was their label or management that gave out the yo-yo's I don't know. You have to give it up to these guys, for feeling so strongly about a single message and really running with it. The was no mistaking their stance on posers...they were like Bikini Kill, Nocturnus, Voivod, Earth Crisis or Nile when it came to their singular lyrical focus.

Please note:

- The dude on the left has an "I hate posers" shirt, while the guy on the right has a shirt that repeats the yo-yo giveaway promotion they were currently advertising on that tour. These guys HATED posers. For real!

- I clearly got sick of drawing, and chose to cover the faces of two dudes with hair...thus minimizing my workload. I was smart, even as a little kid.




Another piece featuring a band you are now well-acquainted with, E.S.S. This one features the usual rubbery legs (see guitar player on the right), oddly shaped people (singer and bass player) and that all important "ahh fuck it" moment. What do I mean? it's the moment when I clearly decided I had been drawing long enough, and just wanted to be done. In this case, you can see how little effort was put into the drummer. His arms make no sense, the drumset sucks even more than everything else...I had clearly had enough and wanted to be done. If you're wondering where else in the world of metal this "ahh fuck it" spirit can be captured, look no further than the cover of Death Angel's Act III album. As Sergeant D has rightfully pointed out in the past, the artist wasted like six weeks getting the drapes to look realistic as hell...and when it came time to paint the people in the seats he just said "ahh fuck it", and drew repetitive stone statues. Speaking of Death Angel, when did they go from looking super sweet, like this:

(Note the short-shorts, and the all-white outfit.) To looking like this:

Which basically amounts to the dudes that change my oil with a nasty case of Tommy Victor's Disease. Which reminds me...a lot of white people make fun of Cross Colors clothing, which many-a-minority rocked in the early 90s. Well, its payback time. Let white people (and some Filipinos apparently) get laughed at for wearing Affliction. Okay, back to the drawing.


Please note:
- "Not Man" t-shirt, an homage to Anthrax, whom I loved at the time.

- E.S.S. flag being waved around by the badly drawn, chubby singer. This is definitely influenced by the Anthrax home video, where Scott waved that huge "NOT" sign.

- Check out the guitar player on the right, he's doing a killer solo as he slides on the floor. Weee!

- lots of guitar picks taped on the mic stands, which means they were probably throwing out tons of them to their adoring fans.

- bass player is wearing bermuda shorts, another Anthrax nod

- The guitar player on the left, is the same guy that was depicted on the first drawing. See his fretboard? It also says "Hard(c)ore". In this drawing I found yet another way to spell the same word incorrectly. I deserve some kind of award. Apparently he plays for a hugely popular band, but still prefers the warm, bluesy sound he gets out of his small 2-12 Fender amp.

- The bass drum on your left says "don't you fuckin' look at me", an obvious Antrhax reference.

- The monitor on the left has a number on it, 83. I remember seeing rented equipment being numbered like this when watching large concerts on TV, probably by someone like Jose Feliciano.


Hope you liked these, and hope I didn't oversell them. There are many more to come, as well as other weird crap from our archives. Another post about amazing art coming up this Friday.

Back In The Day: memories of what I thought the future would hold for me

As a young kid who grew up being into metal, I always assumed that I would one day grow up to be a metal stud. I would be the rad dude with the long hair and all the ladies. At the time, I thought my lameness and lack of popularity with the ladies came about strictly as a result of my young age (and not because of my annoying personality, my looks, lack of style, or because of my overuse of Brut cologne). Back then, I would sit around and daydream about one day being surrounded by cool metal guys and hot metal ladies. If you saw what I looked like back then, you would understand why I spent hours dreaming about the future. I don't exaggerate much when I tell you that I pretty much looked and acted like the kid in the videos below. Just picture this kid, but without braces*, and talking about Slayer and Maiden instead of video games and movies.






Sadly, sometime in the early 90s, the rug got pulled from under me. Metal as I knew it began to die, or at least slowly decay. To make matters worse, as I grew older, I finally realized that full-fledged adult metalheads are often huge losers who play W.O.W. all day, and seldom leave the house. The dream of metal ladies never fully materialized in my life. What a total bummer. I never got to have a sweet girlfriend with metal-moma jeans and a Bolt Thrower shirt. Ehh, what can you do. You can't win them all. No big deal, but I also soon realized that most girls in metal (no offense to any female readers we may have) are fat tubs of goo (most men are also, to be fair.) It's for that reason that women like Jo Bench from Bolt Thrower got so much attention...for merely looking semi-human.

Could those pants get any higher? I think not. Looks like she's rocking a full 16 inch zipper.

So, from time to time, I still think about the life I dreamt about as a kid. I still wonder what would have happened had all my metal dreams come true. Thanks to the advancements in computer imaging technology, a new program exists which helps create fairly accurate depictions of a person's childhood dreams. The software is called "Dream Maker 3000", and the license for the program (as well as the proprietary hardware) is setting Metal Inquisition back a good bit.

The Dream Maker 3000, humming along in Metal Inquisition's headquarters.

Due to the state of the current economy we are trying to be responsible with our budget, but once I saw what the software was capable of, I simply had to buy it (a big "thank you" is in order to our administrative assistant Edith for getting the purchase order processed quickly). This advanced piece of technology is capable of creating fairly accurate depictions of my childhood dreams, but I should point out that the program is not finalized (currently still in beta form), and thus it makes the individuals portrayed look a bit less metal than they were in my dreams (no bullet belts, Sodom shirts etc.) Having said that, I welcome you to what my life would be like today, had the 12 year old me had his way.


See the guy with the mustache and the striped pants who is second from the right? That would have been me. Don't be fooled by my quiet demeanor in this picture...I would have been a killer with the ladies, and with a pool cue.


Perhaps this picture is a bit too glam, but still...you can't make fun of those hot ladies. "Too hot to stop"? I think so!


If there's two things I always thought I'd have as an adult, they would have to be a skull and a chain hanging out of my pocket. I'm sad to report I don't have either. I'm such a failure.



That would have been me, furthest to the right. Still growing out my hair and headbanging all night long. What the clueless guy with the black sleeveless shirt doesn't know is that I'm banging his feather earring-wearing girlfriend. Boo-yaaaah.



Please excuse the tucked in shirt. Again, the program is only in a beta stage at this point.. Having said that, most of the remaining parts of the image are accurate. Anvil shirt as a semi-adult? Oh yes. I think that if the young version of me found out that I no longer find Anvil to be relevant...that version of me would be PISSED.





Here we see another picture of the imaginary me. Okay, so this picture shows lame short hair...but the two ladies certainly make up for it. You can make fun of my hair, and my non-metal clothes...but you can't make fun of tha' bitches. Look at how high the girl on the right is wearing her Metal-Mamma Jeans. Nothing says "sexy" like a 16" zipper. Who's the guy in the yellow shirt lurking in the background? John Joseph, duh.


Another possible version of me that I dreamt about. Although the picture depicts a fairly young person, the dreams I'm talking about were had when I was about 12. As such, this is certainnly consistent with what I hoped would occur in the future. I always thought I'd be in a sweet band where spikes, chains and Slayer shirts were required. Today, I mostly worry about very-non metal things.....like what color to paint my living room.



Okay, this image was a mistake. The software malfunctions from time to time. I swear it, I never wanted to be an amateur pole dancer.




This would have been me...sporting some fresh plumage, tight jeans, and a bandana belt. My lady friend would have liked me so much, she'd agree to wear matching shirts, and go to L'Amours on a daily basis. The girl would have been way metal, but would have also enjoyed the more sensitive side of metal. What does that mean? It means she liked "Fade To Black".



What about our readers? If the 12 year old version of you saw what you looked like...would he/she be let down? Are you very metal today, or (like me) a mere shell of your former metal self. Do you have a very un-metal job or house? Does your significant other like or even understand metal? Please share!

(Metal Inquisition readers should know that I'm an international metal journalist. Why? Because this post was submitted from an international airport in South America right before a flight. If you are reading this in an airport somewhere, look around you. I may be the guy sitting next to you right now. I'm the guy with the laptop and handheld devices, the one by the duty free shop.

*I would also like to note that although I did not have braces as a kid, I do now. I got them last night. Ugh.)

5 Albums That Changed My (musical) Life

Computer-rendered depiction of the quiet moment when I decided to come up with this list.

My life in the world of metal has been a long one, at least it feels that way to me. Looking back on my years involved in metal, it's sometimes all a blur. I've attended lots of shows, concerts, and fests as an audience member. I booked bands, and helped my brother run his tape distro. Yes, there was a time when bands put out tapes. I saw Entombed at a strip club during their first US tour. I was part of the Wild Rags Records street team, and I was a pen pal of sorts with members from Hellwitch, Impetigo and other not-so-seminal bands. My brother and I did a radio show for many years, and played 7 minute Carcass songs so we could go to the bathroom which was roughly a mile away from the studio where we did the show from, and still get back in time to give out the call letters by the end of the hour. I played in bands, and got my double bass 36th notes to sound damn good and even. I've collected records, I've collected cassettes, and VHS tapes. I've driven long distances to see bands, and I've even waited to outside a tour bus to have an Obituary drumstick autographed. Okay, that last one still makes me cringe, but it was 1992 for god's sake! Anyway, because it's all a blur, I sometimes like to set some quiet time aside to think about it all. Just me, an Enya CD, a cup of tea, and nature. It's during these quiet moments (see image above) that I most effectively manage to reflect upon my life in the world of metal. Below is the product of my last quiet moment of reflection, a list of albums that changed my life. I've tried to be as truthful as possible in compiling this list, and as such the albums may not be as impressive or obscure as some I could have come up with. But this is the truth, here for all to read. These were albums that I encountered by chance at some point in my life. In one way or another, these recordings changed my view of music at that moment, and more often than not, sent me in a significantly different musical direction thereafter. School's in bitches. Let us begin.

1982

Kiss-Unmasked

I was a little kid when my brother and I received this album as a gift from our uncle. While many would argue that getting Unmasked as a gift is just as bad as getting smallpox infected blankets for your birthday, I have to tell you that I love this piece of garbage album to this day. In a way, I love almost anything that Kiss has done actually, best exemplified by Gene Hoglan's Balls and I singing "Hard Luck Woman" at a kareoke place just this weekend. But back to Unmasked. When I tell Kiss fans that this is my favorite Kiss album, they look at me exactly as you'd look at a retarded kid that just crapped his pants. A mix of disgust and sadness. What can I tell you, at such a young age, I had no idea that Kiss hadn't always been a disco-tinged pop disaster, but rather an awful talentless theater show. How was I to know? The album had enough songs with a harder edge to make it my favorite for many years, at least prior to my age jumping into the double digits. As a matter of fact, this was the only album that my brother and I listened to for most of our childhood. As a result of my youth, at one point I really did believe that Kiss may have actually been connected to satan, if only in a minor way. You see, my mom always told me to put my Kiss record away, (along with all my other toys) before going to bed. One day, I didn't listen to her and went to bed, leaving both the sleeve and the record sitting on the carpeted floor by my bed. In the middle of the night, I woke up to go to the bathroom, slipped on the record and hit the back of my head on the edge of my bed so hard that I nearly threw up from the pain. I remember getting a bump in the back of my head that was roughly the size of a hard boiled egg cut in half. After that day, I was always careful with the record, and kinda thought it really did have evil powers. As it turns out, the only evil power the record had, was making money for Gene and Paul for what basically amounted to third rate disco bass lines. I know, I was an idiot, but I was also like four. I loved the record, and while other kids in school were listening to silly kids music (perhaps one step up from "row, row, row your boat.."), I was listening to Kiss, and I felt like a bad-ass. This album basically set me up to continually keep looking for music that was harder, and more extreme than what the rest of the kids around me were listening to. Humble beginnings, I know, but in 1982, and this is all I had access to. About 8 years ago, my brother and I ended up at a taping of the David Letterman show. We sat right above Anton Figg, who was the session drummer for Unmasked. The whole time, I kept yelling at him to play "Torpedo Girl", which is my favorite song in the album. After the twentieth time, he kinda looked up, and shook his head. Yes, I had basically been told I was an asshole, but I had been told by the guy who laid down the groove on Torpedo Girl! So I was a happy man.




1988
Iron Maiden-Live After Death

Many years after Unmasked, my brother and I received dubbed copy of Live After Death from my sister's boyfriend. We were amazed by the whole tape. It was harder and faster than Kiss, and the cover (which we got a poster of) was way more evil! Eddie's shirt is all ripped, and the screw keeping his forehead shut was getting hit bit lighting! Holy shit! Sign me up! Soon after getting the tape, we watcged the home video version, and we were in love. I didn't speak any english then, but I could still be heard yelling out "scream for me long beach!" through the halls of my school. Can you believe that I still wonder why girls were repulsed by me? Maybe the bleached rat-tail, and the Brut Cologne didn't help, and I'm sure my wearing sweatpants constantly didn't make it any easier either. It's as though I was daring the oppostite sex to not throw up when looking at me. So, a couple of years after owning the tape, and playing it thousands of times, it became worn out. Another mishap with the TDK-60 dub of this album was that my sister's boyfriend had left the tabs in, so I mistakenly hit "record" twice while attempting to press "play" to listen to the tape. Because of this mishap, our beloved cassette had two blank spaces in crucial moments of songs. Actually, they weren't blank spaces, but spaces with ambient sound of my room back then, picked up by the small microphone in my Sony boombox. Having heard Maiden, the world of bands like Helloween, Metallica, Testament, and even Whiplash was open to my brother and me. I was like a fatty with an insasiable hunger for metal...and the pages of Metal Hammer magazine were my all-you-can-eat buffet. It was also around this time that we were introduced to some other very extreme bands, ones that bordered on grindcore, but they were small local bands that no one would know about...so I'll skip those. Moving on...






1989
Slayer-Reign In Blood, Venom-Black Metal

I count this one as one album, since it came to me as a single cassette. You see, one of our neighbors came to our house one day, asking if we'd buy one of his dubbed cassetes for five bucks or so. In retrospect, I think he wanted money to buy some wacky-tabbacky...but I'm not sure. He was older than my brother and me, and he was hella' metal. The tape he sold us was a 90 minute cassete with Reign In Blood on one side, and Black Metal on the other. While we liked Venom, it was Slayer that captured our imagination. Sadly, this was the first Slayer album I encountered. As I've stated before, South Of Heaven is my favorite...but life has a funny way of leading you down a path. Anyway, soon after hearing this tape, we got a dubbed copy of the Ultimate Revenge home video, and we were both hooked. Clearly, we didn't speak english then...otherwise we would have noticed just how insanely stupid Slayer comes off in that video. Luckily, we were clueless. Having heard Slayer, Metallica started to seem a little tame to us. We finally realized that Kiss was a disco band at one point. We were shocked. We still loved Maiden, but we knew that there were more extreme bands out there, and we had to find them. Destruction, Kreator, Cryptic Slaughter, Crumbsuckers and Bathory made sense to us after having owned this tape.



1989
Napalm Death-Peel Sessions

My friend's mom was going to England for work in 1989, and he asked my friend what he would like her to bring him back from England. Being a smart dude, he quickly called me and asked me for the names of the most extreme bands I could think of, so she could buy those tapes while in England. My brother and I compiled a list, but I don't think that Napalm Death was on it. We had heard of other early Earache bands through reviews in Metal Hammer, but I don't think we even knew about Napalm Death. I should mention that Metal Hammer back then was made up of endless articles about AC/DC, small features about Metallica, a cover story about Triumph or Uriah Heap, with small reviews of actual metal bands. To give you an idea of how behind the times we were in our beloved backwards country, the Metal Hammer issues we were buying at the supermarket for a good bit of money, were literally three years old! I'm not kidding! Imagine my shock when I found out that Cliff Burton had not only died, but they had already replaced him and were well on their way to sucking full-time! In any case, back to the story about my friend's mom.... she came back with the Peel Sessions tape from England. We heard it, and as you can expect, we were shocked. Now Slayer sounded like Bon Jovi and Def Lepard. It blew our mind, and I think it took some time for it all to sink in and make sense. Having heard this tape, the world of death metal, grindcore, punk, crossover and noise was open to us. Though some bands could be heavier, nothing seemed faster and more extreme than this recording for many years. I have to say, while many were bummed when Napalm Death released Harmony Corruption, I actually liked it...even if it sounded tame compared to Peel Sessions. It's still one of my favorite death metal albums of all time.






1991
Death-Human

Living in south-Florida during the formative years of American death metal was a great experience.Chuck Schuldiner lived in a storage space near our apartment, guys from Obituary were dating girls in my brother's high school, member of Cynic hadn't started to play in salsa bands in cruiseships...those were the days! It should come as no surprise then that I still feel that those early years of death metal were by far the greatest as far as musical output. Shortly after the Death album "Human" came out, I bought it and loved it instantly. Actually, I didn't buy it...I got this kid who I completely used for his money back then to buy it for me...but that's another story. Human was catchy and highly melodic, two qualities that were somewhat rare in other death metal bands back then. Yes, you could remember the general melodies to Deicide songs, but Death had taken it a step beyond. It reminded me of Iron Maiden, and that was a good thing. Perhaps that's why so many people grew to hate them. Another aspect of this album that blew me away was its complexity. In retrospect, the album is not THAT musically complex, but it opened my eyes to the possibilities. I know many people hate the fact that bands like Cynic or Atheist opened up Pandora's Box, and that inside that box was Fusion and Jazz...but I loved it. While Human was not as complex as some of Atheist's music or Cynic's, this album connected with me and showed me that complexity could be metal, prog could be metal...hell Jazz could be insanely enjoyable. Sadly, like many great moments in music, I believe that albums like Human, and most Swedish death metal are to blame for letting in a fair number of short haired beardos into metal. But what can you do? That's not Chuck's fault! Go blame the beardos! You gotta crack some eggs in order to make an omelet.




That's it. I guess since 1991 I've had no musical breakthrough moments in the realm of metal. That shouldn't come as a surprise to anyone who knows or understands my taste in music. I've had plenty such moments outside of metal, but I guess in my eyes, little has been done that matters in any way since 1991 within metal. Yes, I've listened to some bands after then and liked them a good bit...but I have not heard anything after Human that sent me into a different branch of the metal tree, if you will. I'm sure some of you disagree, but this is my opinion. An opinion that sounds an awful lot like the old man who is still going on and on about how The Beatles were the last great band, or the Greatful Dead fan who refuses to acknowledge the mere existence any musical output after 1972. I guess I've joined their club...and to tell you the truth, that's just fine with me.

Who Gave These Filipinos Those Rock Guitars?

The fact that Dark Angel rocks harder than Death Angel is an issue that was settled here at M.I. sometime back. Nevertheless, a two part mini-documentary about Death Angel that was done back when they first signed to a major label (with band members' ages ranging from 14 to 19) is certainly worth sharing with our readers. These guys look exactly as I wanted to look back then. Sadly, my mom wouldn't let me have long hair and I didn't have rad metal shirts. Sure, sure, my brother and I shared a couple of metal tees, but for the most part I was rocking my sweatpants, my Freddy Kruger sweatshirt (not a sweater like the one Freddy wore, no, a heather grey number with his face screenprinted on it), or maybe an OP shirt, all the while dousing myself in Brut cologne (to atract the ladies). Since baja's (drug rugs) came up in the last post, I should mention that I also wanted one very badly circa 1990, but my mom wouldn't let me have one. Bummer.

Check out their bodacious skate gear, the sweatsocks, the suspenders, the matching outfits....the Sisters of Mercy shirt? That shirt should have been a sign to us all about things to come. Enjoy.


Part One





Part Two

Metal Inquisition Video Vault: Obituary on public access television (Circa '91)

Here we see Trevor looking much like Rodin's The Thinker, wondering why on earth he looks so much like Skeletor, and whey he's wearing white socks with black shoes.

We are once again opening up our video vault, so that Metal Inquisition readers can enjoy the metal goodness that has been hiding in the mountains of VHS and Beta tapes that are sitting around in my basement. This time, I bring you Florida's Obituary on public access television. I got this video, along with some Deicide and Napalm Death footage on a trade with Pat from Hellwitch back in 1992. Watch and enjoy. Please note the following:

- Great set decor. Nothing says "metal" like wicker.

- Sweet Sadus hat/hair combo

- "Plus, you're thrashing so hard" (0:59)

- "Did you guys ever jump into the pit?" , as she says that she makes the face shown above. (1:05)

- Awkward moment with young kid who thinks "Man in the box" is a song by Red Hot Chili Peppers (3:22)

- Awesome burgundy sweatpants are both versatile and comfortable (5:17)

- Great discussion about the validity of recording at Morrisound, sadly there's no talk about why bass drums sound like typewriters when recorded there. (6:42)

My Life As A Poet (AKA: Stealing From Slayer)

I learned how to speak English around the time I was 12, after moving to the US of A. I won't bore you with the details under which the move happened. I will, however, tell you that upon landing on American soil both my brother and I were rocking severe mullets, and were both sporting our jean jackets (with dope back patches).

Learning English was tough, but within a few months I had a pretty good command of the language. It was around that time, however, that my English class had an assignment I simply could not complete with my less-than-perfect skills in such a new language: poetry. After quickly realizing that I simply didn't have the necessary command of the language to write a variation on "roses are red, violets are blue..." I quickly decided to do what any self-respecting metal head would do. Steal from Slayer.


For some unknown reason, the song I decided to go with still baffles me to this day, "Silent Scream". At such an young age, the idea of abortion had barely entered my mind...so I have no idea why on earth I thought a graphic song about that subject would make for a perfectly appropriate poem to pass off as my own. In case you've forgotten the lyrics, please read them below. Imagine what a teacher must have thought, and keep in mind that I was 12 at this point.

Nightmare, the persecution
A child's dream of death
Torment, ill forgotten
A soul that will never rest

Guidance, it means nothing
In a world of brutal time
Electric, circus wild
Deep in the infants mind

Silent scream
Bury the unwanted child
Beaten and torn
Sacrifice the unborn

Shattered, adolescent
Bearer of no name
Restrained, insane games
Suffer the children condemned

Scattered, remnants of life
Murder a time to die
Pain, suffrage toyed
Lifes little fragments destroyed

Silent scream
Crucify the bastard son
Beaten and torn
Sanctify lives of scorn

Life preordained
Humanity maintained
Extraction termination
Pain's agonizing stain

Embryonic death
Embedded in your brain
Suffocation, strangulation
Death is fucking you insane

Nightmare, the persecution
A child's dream of death
Torment, ill forgotten
A soul that will never rest

Innocence withdrawn in fear
Fires burning can you hear
Cries in the night

I'm fairly certain that the only change I made to the song's lyrics, in order for them to be acceptable as homework, was to remove the work "fucking", but that was about it. The fact that my parents weren't contacted as a result, or that the authorities weren't called is amazing.

I should point out that doing this (plagiarism at an early age) runs in my family. My brother did it once (maybe he'll post about it) and my cousin did also. My cousin decided to pass off the lyrics to Public Enemy's "Fight The Power" as his own. He got an A, and was asked to read his poem outloud in class. No, I'm not making this up. Imagine the reaction of a 20 teenagers circa 1989 listening to a classmate try to pretend that the song they all knew was a poem. Classic.

Anyway, I'd like to blame this whole thing on not totally understanding English at that point in my life...but I don't think that was the case. This is just further proof that I have always been an absolute idiot.

Video Retroview: Megadeth's "Hangar 18"

A candid shot of yours truly (circa 1990) enjoying the premiere airing of the Hangar 18 video on Headbanger's Ball.

I can remember it like it was yesterday. The world premiere of the new Megadeth video was set to air during Headbanger's Ball, and I couldn't wait. My memories are just as vivid of those of earlier generations who gathered around the television to watch The Beatles on Ed Sullivan. It was a momentous occasion. At the time, I was not a huge Megadeth fan, but much had been made in earlier episodes of The Ball about the large budget and special effects that would surely make this video a classic. Mustaine had talked about the video basically being a sci-fi short movie. As a young man, the thought of a cool sci-fi/metal short film must have been intoxicating. Then again, what the hell did I know...I wore Brut cologne in a misguided attempt to attract the opposite sex. Anyway, an entire episode was actually devoted to a behind the scenes look at the making of the video, so this was a big deal. The video for Holy Wars was already out, and although not as heavy as some of the music I listened to at the time, the high rifforama factor of the tune was certainly pleasing to my ears.

So, about the video...I'm not sure why, but in the early 90s metal bands started a trend that would later take over hip-hop videos all together, that of making us believe that their video was more like a full motion picture than a simple video clip for their latest single. Yes, Michael Jackson's Thriller came many years before this, but that lineage was broken and thus not influential to the bloated production that was Metallica's "The Unforgiven" (unequivocally the champion of pseudo artistic video-as-film garbage, especially the uncut 12 minute version). In any case, much like anything that Mustaine has ever done, the introduction in the Hangar 18 video is ridiculous and unnecesary. Sadly, it also plays second fiddle to Metallica's attempt at the very same thing (that being, The Unforgiven's 10 minute video intro). Simply not as lengthy or retarded as Metallica's, the intro nevertheless kicks things off strongly and leads us down a path of stupidity that only Dave Mustaine and the Nike AIR hightop wearing gang could bring us.


Highlights to look out for:

Vic, Megadeth's rip-off of Iron Maiden's Eddie, makes an appearance and speaks for the first time in history. Turns out, his voice is simply that of a production assistant through a cheap vocal harmonizer. Though we all thought that Vic was down with Megadeth, and he was a rebel at heart, here we see him wearing a suit, and leading an army of third rate actors in a campaign against Megadeth. Also note that he's getting help from other military fat-cats who seem evil since they smoke cigars. Man, the 80s and early 90s were all about military and political fat-cats. I don't know if I want Vic to be the guy to pick up the phone at 3am in the White House, the guy can't even see due to his permanently riveted sunglasses. Note his awful skeleton hands, which are constantly fused in the same position throughout the video, and clearly being held by the actor in his sleeves. They remind me of the hooks that kids wear with pirate costumes.



The large budget that Mustaine had talked about in multiple interviews is nowhere to be seen. Rather than spending a few hundred bucks to get an exterior shot of a field, they used the director's HO scale model. This screenshot may be dark, but when you watch the video (below) you'll see what I mean. Perhaps Mustaine got an advance for the video, and it magically went up his nose.



Much in the way that George Lucas employed Ewoks as lighthearted, Muppet-like characters in the Star Wars triology, here too we encounter this lil' guy, a budget E.T. made out of silly putty. Unlike the other monsters we are about to encounter, this fun loving alien means us no harm. Word to the wise, don't get attached...you'll see what the US government (under Vic's control) has in store for him.



Ed Wood would have been so proud. Clearly, the production staff raided storage warehouses at multiple studios and "borrowed" costumes for the shoot. Here we see an extra from Mos Eisley's cantina scene.



This alien was so embarrassed to be featured in this video that he put his fins over his eyes in order to not have to watch.




Just look at his mouth! Mustaine does a killer Rambo impression. During the Clash Of The Titans tour, he would have Kerry King and Scott Ian in stitches for hours. He'd grab a Megadeth bandana from the boxes of unsold merchandise, roll it up and put it around his head....then he'd repeat the following endlessly doing his best Rambo: "Nothing is over! Nothing! You just don't turn it off! It wasn't my war! You asked me, I didn't ask you!"





Look closely, you'll see the most anti-semitic moment in video history. Right as Marty Friedman is playing a solo, an alien with exactly the same hair as Marty is escorted by authorities. Perhaps most insulting is the gigantic nose that the alien has. Honestly, this is the sort of thing that should be investigated. Mustaine can be such a prick. This is totally uncalled for. No wonder Marty left the band. Can you blame him?




Throughout the whole video we see brief shots of this shirtless girl (with her back to the camera) being walked through the maze that is Vic's top-secret Airforce base. The director chose to use her as an ongoing theme that is woven through the video's fabric in an Ingmar Bergman-like fashion. Toward the very end of the video, the girl finally turns around, and rather than seeing what every male watching Headbanger's Ball wanted to see...we are confronted with a half-robot, half-lady creature wearing leather pants. Booooo! She's a robot? I thought this facility held aliens? The video's treatment really should have been scrutinized a bit more. This was the biggest disappointment in the whole video, even bigger of a disappointment than Vic's skeleton hands.




Look, I warned you not to get attached to the little muppet. The special effects team created only one alien creature that is not a human in a suit. As such, they had to get their milage out of this sucker...so if one creature was gonna get the Dremel drill, it had to be this one.





They seriously must have paid a fortune to rent this crane, because it's shown in like every other godamned shot. You'll see.





Again, the director's passion for HO-scale model trains pays off big. I've never understood why on earth the members of Megadeth were being taken out in these containers at the end of the video. They were just playing to the entire workforce at the base, and the aliens, but now they are captured and frozen? Are they aliens? I'm so confused.


This video was of substantial importance at the time to Megadeth, not only because it showed the depth that the band was capable of, not only because it featured more guitar solos than Mustaine's failed stints in rehab, but also because of the following events:

Inspired by the subject of this song and its video, Nick Menza and subsequent Megadeth drummers decided to convert their once humble drum kits into replicas of the spaceship that was rumored to have crashed in Roswell, New Mexico. Note the floating bass drums, which mimic the propulsion mechanisms of the the craft.


In this picture, Dave Mustaine accepts the prestigious "Horrible Production Values In A Rock Video" award from Singapore's President Sellapan Rama.

And now, the masterpiece that made it all possible.

We're Internet Famous!

Well, not really, at least not yet, but that shitty metal magazine Decibel decided to return the favor after Sergeant D interviewed their Editor-in-Chief and the author of Choosing Death: The Improbable History of Death Metal and Grindcore, Albert Mudrian, and interview us. Of course we're not good enough for the actual magazine so they posted it on their worthless blog. You can read our witty answers to their stupid questions and check out some candid photos of your favorite Metal Inquisition staffers here.