If you were anything like me during the early 90's, you probably stayed up every saturday night to watch Headbanger's Ball. Sure, they mostly played Trixter and LA Guns videos...but once a while a gem would come up. Around 1990 or so, the best you could hope for was Anthrax or maybe Danzig. For my money, the Mother video was about the best one they could show. While other metal videos were filled with nothing but shirtless dudes, Danzig knew his fan base and always put semi-decent chicks in his videos. "Mother" was a prime example of this. Although I never found the two girls to be all that great looking, I often wonder where they are these days. Were they low-level porno actresses who still live in a lair under Danzig's house? Were they Eerie Von's cousins from Indiana? The ones that were willing to do anything in order to make it in Hollywood, and now work at diaper factory Bakersfield? Well, thanks to Metal Inquisition, you don't have to wonder anymore. I happened upon a video of a woman dancing to the famed song here, and quickly figured out who she was. That's right...she's still alive. Barely. She's still dancing to "Mother" too. Her face also looks like it caught on fire, and the fire was put out with soccer cleats. Watch and learn:
Aside from dancing to Mother, she takes requests and will dance to your band's music. She'll also show up to your band's show (if your band is a Pearl Jam cover band) and dance awkwardly on stage while people cringe.
Oh, and did I mention that she believes Glenn Danzig put a curse on her during the taping of the video?
While I believe that the videos above answer many questions that have always surrounded the Mother video, many are still unanswered. For example: Why is Glenn's mouth always triangular in shape?
Also, what was that thing that was on fire supposed to be? A torch? Glenn's fist?
When I was a young teenager and my hormones were moshing through my blood to the beat of Exodus' "Pleasures of the Flesh", I never thought I'd ever score with a metal chick. They were very rare creatures back then and usually went for the older dudes who smoked Marlboro reds and wore Motley Crue shirts. Even with my razor blade earring, a short whimpy dude with a mullet, a Slayer shirt and no game, just didn't stand a chance. I thought I was condemned to a life of jerkin' it to pictures of Lita Ford and Doro Pesch (and of course Tracy Lords and Ginger Lynn). As years went by, I got more confidence and by the early 90s (with more girls into metal) my options multiplied ten-fold. Imagine my ecstasy when I finally landed a GF my senior year in high school. She wore a Testament shirt and owned a Benediction cassette! At the time there was no hotter chick. She was the queen of our loser metal circle and she was going out with me. She wasn't with Tiger, the drummer for a horrible local thrash band who drove a pick-up truck with a Metallica sticker on the back window. No, sir! She was my GF and all I drove was my moms' 1986 Subaru! She thought my Jason Newsted haircut was awesome and would actually request Napalm Death on my mom's car stereo when we made out in the parking lot of the middle school at night. I lost my virginity to this Metal Goddess (on the back-seat of the Subaru). Of course, our love didn't last. I moved after graduating and that was it. I never even knew her last name. I have not seriously dated any other metal chicks since. I did play Unleashed while fucking some girl in college once and I still try to play Dystopia while getting busy as often as possible, but it's just not the the same, you know?. Those 3 months were the only times in my pathetic life I actually lived the dream. For 3 glorious months I had a hot metal chick. Of course I look at photos of her now and she was pretty skanky.
These days I exclusively date really hot girls (follow my Twitter for proof), so that means none of my ladies are into metal. The hesher stereotype of a metal fan is like fucking kryptonite to hot ladies. It's a fact: super hot chicks, don't like metal. Of course, I'm not saying all metal girls are porkers, but do you think Jessica Alba knows or gives a shit who Trey Azagthoth is? I never tell chicks that I like metal, much less that I write for this shitty blog. I don't give a shit about scene points. I just wanna get my knob polished and, maybe, a ride on the meat-coaster.
Still, there's a small part of me that longs for a hot metal chick... I think about it from time to time. So, I decided to look into metal chicks again and see what (if anything) I'd been missing. Let's start with my long lost past...
LITA FORD / JOAN JETT
God, these girls were SO fucking hot. For a barley pubescent boy into Kiss and Iron Maiden, a band like The Runaways was the only thing better than my sister's Wet'n'Wild bathing suit catalog. To this day, this picture gets my crank going. Even though I now think this is the hottest Lita Ford ever looked, back then I thought she looked a little plain, and I loved glammed-up Lita better. And sure, now I realize Joan Jett looked like Freddy Mercury, but at the time Joan Jett was a wet dream come true. Well, not really "wet", since my boys weren't really swimming yet, but you know what I mean.
Joan Jett has even aged well. I'd hit that! Not so much with Lita Ford. She looks like the lady in the flea market that sells Indian dream catchers... I'll pass, thanks.
DORO PESCH
I'd never heard Warlock as a kid, but that didn't stop me from hanging a poster of Doro on my bedroom wall as I fantasized about what I'd do to her if I ran into her in the woods in Germany while listening to Running Wild on my walkman. Doro was not hot at all, but the leather pants and metal look was too much for my naive testosterone-filled body, and plenty of chubbies were popped. I still haven't heard (nor care to) Warlock or any of her subsequent stuff, but somehow I know I'm not missing much at all. Talking about not missing much, if Doro wasn't much back then, she sure ain't shit now.
Girl, you went from singing in a band called Warlock to looking like one.
Harry Potter was right to be scared of you, Voldemort!
VIXEN
Again, I've never heard Vixen and I'm pretty fucking sure I don't want to, but in 1988 they were the object of my adoration. Dude, their drums were shaped like a motorcycle! I now realize they weren't all that and that they sorta look like Angela Bauer, but I was young, and like I said, my metal chicks options were limited. Here's another bunch of gals to whom the years have not been kind.
Ouch. This looks like the Knox County Thursday-night knitting and bridge club.
OTHER "HOT" CHICKS FROM THE 80's
The Great Kat... Yeah, she was never really hot. Ever. She was just fucking trashy and creepy... see this.
I was told there was 2 chicks in Madam X, but I can't tell which is which.
Just as with the image above, I can't tell who in Girlschool is a dude and who's just an ugly broad!
CYCLE SLUTS FROM HELL
Around the early 90's Headbanger's Ball introduced me the CSFH. I'm sure without the make-up and denim vests these girls were average cows, but nothing made my tadpole splash like the "I Wish You Were a Beer" video on Saturday nights.
JO BENCH
Of all the girls featured on this post, Jo Bench is the only one I still have a crush on. Maybe it's cuz I still listen to Bolt Thrower, or because I think girls with British accents are hot. In person, she's prolly pretty nasty, but Jo can sit on my Bench whenever she wants to.
MYTHIC
I saw Mythic live a loooooong time ago and let me tell you, they were NOT hot. Still, a lady wearing a Morgoth long sleeve has a way of getting under my skin. If you wanna know how Sergeant D feels about these ladies (and Nuclear Death), click here.
DEMONOMACY
I had both of these ladies' demos and even saw them live once, while living in Miami in the early 1990s. They were sloppy at best and musically, as repetitive and generic as any Florida band back then. Even from this blurry and dark picture we can make out that they were no models, but they were in a Death Metal band and when I was 17, that's the only thing that mattered.
A FEW FINAL NOTES:
Listen, not all the ladies mentioned above may be Playboy material (most aren't even good enough for Amateur Allure, actually), but at least they were fucking born before "Live After Death" came out. This dumb Miley Cyrus retarded-ass-whore dares wear this Maiden tee? Seriously? I want to punch her in her ribs. And set her hair on fire.
We know Black Metal dudes look like douche bags, but BM girls are WAY worse. BM girls are just pathetic, sad and plain gross.
Listen guys, the fact is that we all want a hot metal chick like what's her face from Lacuna Coil, but we have to face it: most metal girls were plain ugly.
As a young kid who grew up being into metal, I always assumed that I would one day grow up to be a metal stud. I would be the rad dude with the long hair and all the ladies. At the time, I thought my lameness and lack of popularity with the ladies came about strictly as a result of my young age (and not because of my annoying personality, my looks, lack of style, or because of my overuse of Brut cologne). Back then, I would sit around and daydream about one day being surrounded by cool metal guys and hot metal ladies. If you saw what I looked like back then, you would understand why I spent hours dreaming about the future. I don't exaggerate much when I tell you that I pretty much looked and acted like the kid in the videos below. Just picture this kid, but without braces*, and talking about Slayer and Maiden instead of video games and movies.
Sadly, sometime in the early 90s, the rug got pulled from under me. Metal as I knew it began to die, or at least slowly decay. To make matters worse, as I grew older, I finally realized that full-fledged adult metalheads are often huge losers who play W.O.W. all day, and seldom leave the house. The dream of metal ladies never fully materialized in my life. What a total bummer. I never got to have a sweet girlfriend with metal-moma jeans and a Bolt Thrower shirt. Ehh, what can you do. You can't win them all. No big deal, but I also soon realized that most girls in metal (no offense to any female readers we may have) are fat tubs of goo (most men are also, to be fair.) It's for that reason that women like Jo Bench from Bolt Thrower got so much attention...for merely looking semi-human.
Could those pants get any higher? I think not. Looks like she's rocking a full 16 inch zipper.
So, from time to time, I still think about the life I dreamt about as a kid. I still wonder what would have happened had all my metal dreams come true. Thanks to the advancements in computer imaging technology, a new program exists which helps create fairly accurate depictions of a person's childhood dreams. The software is called "Dream Maker 3000", and the license for the program (as well as the proprietary hardware) is setting Metal Inquisition back a good bit.
The Dream Maker 3000, humming along in Metal Inquisition's headquarters.
Due to the state of the current economy we are trying to be responsible with our budget, but once I saw what the software was capable of, I simply had to buy it (a big "thank you" is in order to our administrative assistant Edith for getting the purchase order processed quickly). This advanced piece of technology is capable of creating fairly accurate depictions of my childhood dreams, but I should point out that the program is not finalized (currently still in beta form), and thus it makes the individuals portrayed look a bit less metal than they were in my dreams (no bullet belts, Sodom shirts etc.) Having said that, I welcome you to what my life would be like today, had the 12 year old me had his way.
See the guy with the mustache and the striped pants who is second from the right? That would have been me. Don't be fooled by my quiet demeanor in this picture...I would have been a killer with the ladies, and with a pool cue.
Perhaps this picture is a bit too glam, but still...you can't make fun of those hot ladies. "Too hot to stop"? I think so!
If there's two things I always thought I'd have as an adult, they would have to be a skull and a chain hanging out of my pocket. I'm sad to report I don't have either. I'm such a failure.
That would have been me, furthest to the right. Still growing out my hair and headbanging all night long. What the clueless guy with the black sleeveless shirt doesn't know is that I'm banging his feather earring-wearing girlfriend. Boo-yaaaah.
Please excuse the tucked in shirt. Again, the program is only in a beta stage at this point.. Having said that, most of the remaining parts of the image are accurate. Anvil shirt as a semi-adult? Oh yes. I think that if the young version of me found out that I no longer find Anvil to be relevant...that version of me would be PISSED.
Here we see another picture of the imaginary me. Okay, so this picture shows lame short hair...but the two ladies certainly make up for it. You can make fun of my hair, and my non-metal clothes...but you can't make fun of tha' bitches. Look at how high the girl on the right is wearing her Metal-Mamma Jeans. Nothing says "sexy" like a 16" zipper. Who's the guy in the yellow shirt lurking in the background? John Joseph, duh.
Another possible version of me that I dreamt about. Although the picture depicts a fairly young person, the dreams I'm talking about were had when I was about 12. As such, this is certainnly consistent with what I hoped would occur in the future. I always thought I'd be in a sweet band where spikes, chains and Slayer shirts were required. Today, I mostly worry about very-non metal things.....like what color to paint my living room.
Okay, this image was a mistake. The software malfunctions from time to time. I swear it, I never wanted to be an amateur pole dancer.
This would have been me...sporting some fresh plumage, tight jeans, and a bandana belt. My lady friend would have liked me so much, she'd agree to wear matching shirts, and go to L'Amours on a daily basis. The girl would have been way metal, but would have also enjoyed the more sensitive side of metal. What does that mean? It means she liked "Fade To Black".
What about our readers? If the 12 year old version of you saw what you looked like...would he/she be let down? Are you very metal today, or (like me) a mere shell of your former metal self. Do you have a very un-metal job or house? Does your significant other like or even understand metal? Please share!
(Metal Inquisition readers should know that I'm an international metal journalist. Why? Because this post was submitted from an international airport in South America right before a flight. If you are reading this in an airport somewhere, look around you. I may be the guy sitting next to you right now. I'm the guy with the laptop and handheld devices, the one by the duty free shop.
*I would also like to note that although I did not have braces as a kid, I do now. I got them last night. Ugh.)
Here we see Trevor looking much like Rodin'sThe Thinker, wondering why on earth he looks so much like Skeletor, and whey he's wearing white socks with black shoes.
We are once again opening up our video vault, so that Metal Inquisition readers can enjoy the metal goodness that has been hiding in the mountains of VHS and Beta tapes that are sitting around in my basement. This time, I bring you Florida's Obituary on public access television. I got this video, along with some Deicide and Napalm Death footage on a trade with Pat from Hellwitch back in 1992. Watch and enjoy. Please note the following:
- Great set decor. Nothing says "metal" like wicker.
- Sweet Sadus hat/hair combo
- "Plus, you're thrashing so hard" (0:59)
- "Did you guys ever jump into the pit?" , as she says that she makes the face shown above. (1:05)
- Awkward moment with young kid who thinks "Man in the box" is a song by Red Hot Chili Peppers (3:22)
- Awesome burgundy sweatpants are both versatile and comfortable (5:17)
- Great discussion about the validity of recording at Morrisound, sadly there's no talk about why bass drums sound like typewriters when recorded there. (6:42)
I know that, in the top 1000 least metal things to do, watching the Olympic Games ranks just below buying your dog a Halloween costume. But it's not my fault. Last weekend I came down with a bad, bad case of Olympic Fever (almost as contagious as Robb Flynn Disease). I didn't watch 5 minutes of the Olympics in 2004, but I'm addicted to the damn thing this year.
Anyway, I was discussing with the old lady (aka my ball-and-chain), which Olympic athletes we'd pork. Alicia Sacramone and Misty May were my top 2, of course. Then she mentioned Michael Phelps. I'm so metal, I only heard about this dude 7 days ago, but I know enough to know he's ugly as an old man's armpit. I couldn't believe she'd say his name! "Dude, he's fucking ugly!" I told her, "He looks mildly retarded, for Pete's sake! He looks like... he looks like..." Holy shit. That's when it dawned on me! Michale Phelps and Dan Lilker were separated at birth!
The more I thought about it, the more sense it made. Besides their horrible looking face, oddly shaped chin, over sized nose and previously mentioned mentally handicapped demeanor, these two guys have a lot in common. Phelps has won 11 Olympic medals, Lilker has been in 11 shitty bands. Phelps is a dumb flag waiving patriot, Lilker was in SOD... The similarities keep coming:
Their tooth-to-gum ratio is exactly the same
They both look great in shorts. OK, maybe not.
Their sleepy eyes and weird jaw-line makes me want to give them both a hug. Or a drop kick to the face.
The one place were they differ is who they hang out with. Lilker mostly hangs out with loser metalheads has-been's and never-were's in the NY area. Meanwhile, Phelps chills with the president, Bob Costas, Bill Clinton, Paris Hilton, John Travolta and other famous peeps.
Phelps with a few friends
Lilker with a few friends
As always, here's a random image i found while researching this post. Enjoy.
The entire Metal Inquisition staff is committed to finding the very best in stage banter for the enjoyment of all our readers. As such, it was only a matter of time before we put together a multi-media presentation to share the magic that is Paul Stanley on stage. Listen and be amazed by his effeminate antics, his homoerotic commentary and his vaudeville-style black accent. Even if you are not a Kiss fan, this one is a must. Enjoy.
What can I possibly say about the Great Kat that these clips can't say for themselves. The Long Island native (figures) went to Julliard (something that EVERY bio, set of liner notes, or write-up had to remind you of, probably due to strict orders from her managment) and went on to terrorize America's ears with the dumbest shtick ever...playing classical music at high speeds. She's still at it, believe it or not. She even did a nice patriotic video post 9-11, which you can see below. My friend once saw her live and said that all thirty people in attendance were made to go on stage and worship her on their knees for her song "Worship Me Or Die"....ugh. I remember metal dudes saying she was hot stuff back in the day. Oh boy. Maybe the liked awful yellow teeth. They probably thought Lori Bravo was hot stuff too. Much like the Predator vs. Alien argument, which was only settled once the movie was made, the Great Kat vs. Lori Bravo argument is as old as time itself. Sadly, it can only be settled by doing a movie about it...and Hollywood is not taking Kat's calls.
I picture her today, working at a car wash in Long Island, mumbling to herself as she scrubs down a guido's Escalade "worship me or die, worship me or die, worship me or die". She probably cries herself to sleep alot.
Thanks to an anonymous reader for the tip on this incredible video! If I didn't know better, I'd think this was some Andy Samberg parody video or something from the latest electro band from Silverlake or Williamsburg. Please do yourself a favor and watch the whole thing, it's incredible. Is it metal? Sure, why not... think of it as metal for your rich yuppie uncle. (For bonus points, compare this video to "The Speed of Love" for Nike by Justin Harder)
This part isn't really that funny, I just thought this was a pretty cool modernist clock.
You can always tell when an 80s babe means business because she puts on her shades.
