A few Colombian video treats

As a kid in Colombia I worshiped Kraken. Please check out the videos below and find out why. Lucho suggests I mention the mullets. i think they speak for themselves...

As I grew older and realized how shitty Kraken was, I moved to to Masacre:

That's all I got. Follow me on twitter, bitches!

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Wanderlust: Metal Edition :: Mexico City is "muy caliente" (El Chopo)

We have discussed to length before how the rest of the world is still living in 1988 and it's the U.S. alone that thinks metal is dead. I recently spent 2 weeks in Mexico City and, let me tell you, it was an ALL-OUT-METAL-ASSULT! Or, like they'd say over there: TODO-AFUERA-ASALTO-METALERO!

Sometimes, when I fall asleep listening to Slayer, I dream of a place where you can hang out with other metalheads with South of Heaven blasting from a car parked near-by. A place where thousands will gather to show off their backpatches. A place where I can buy an Iron Maiden Eddie rubber mask for $9 and Morbid Angel's complete bootlegged discography for $0.75. Well, my friends, that place exists, and it's called El Chopo. This heaven on earth is basically the awesomest flea market in history. Hundreds of little metal/punk/goth street vendors set up shop on the weekends through about 8 blocks of city streets. They sell EVERYTHING metal, from spikey belts and bracelets to Acid Reign bootleg DVDs; from Pungent Stench T-shirts to King Diamond embroidered patches. My Mexican friend Memo warned of the sheer amazingness of this place, but I was not ready for this level of absolute, dark, metal mayhemic (Metal Sin reference) rock-o-rama! I'm sure right now you are thinking: "No way, 'Krusher, you GOTTA be lyin'!" Nope, I'm not. Proof? I got your proof RIGHT HERE! (I'm grabbing my crotch and pointing to this YouTube video narrated by Pedro, from Napoleon Dynamite... not really.) Ignore the punk, goth and hippie shit:





Oh, yeah, they also have awesome live bands:






So, of course when I was there, I met lots of Luchadores and bought plenty of shit. I asked my new Luchador friends to pose, wearing some of the shirts I bought and here's the gallery of my treasures:

Dr. Wagner Jr. sporting an awesome WehrMacht tee.

Ultimo Dragón wearing Dark Angel


Avismo Negro (R.I.P.) in a gorgeous Venom long sleeve


Mistico (my current fave Luchador) rocks the CF t-shirt right

Please Note: The above are not the ACTUAL luchadores. It's just me wearing their masks in my apartment. Please don't make fun of my circa 1998 hp scanner/printer that I haven't used in over 5 years or of my lady bug kitchen towels, my still-sealed spice rack or my never-been-used red kettle. Shaking off the remains of my ex-wife's influence in my life is tougher than I thought. Well, Abismo Negro died like six months ago and Ultimo Dragón lives in Japan, so it's not like this fashion show would have been impossible anyway.

God Bless The Internet

"I pledge allegiance to my gut, and my big pants, and my wallet chain, and my sweet flaming shoes"

As I've stated before, the thing that makes metal and metal fans so amazing, is their/our general lack of self-awareness. Though I certainly see the humor in my wearing what basically equated to a Pungent Stench dress in 1992 (damn Blue Grape Merchandise, and their oversized shirts), I really didn't then. It's with this in mind that I bring you the coolest, most metal guy on the internet. Ever. If you ever wondered whatever happened to that sweaty, shirtless guy who kept bumping into you at the Testament show back in '91, here's your answer.

Note:
Whenever I do posts like this, in which I merely share images or video I find to be funny with our readers, I get blamed of providing content with no substance...but I ask you: For a blog whose bread and butter is posts about Forced Entry, Blue Grape and Dannys Spitz' watchmaking business...what do you expect? The great American novel?

Uh...uhhm...oh, damn. Where do I even start? Jesus, maybe I'll just point out the not-so-obvious, nice booties..and nice stuffed Garfield on your right hand.




This shirt has made the entire world collectively depressed. As a result, NASA will now use satellites to make Prozac rain down upon us. Thanks you douche, all this just because you wanted to bang the chubby goth broad with the spider tattoo . I hope you're happy.



As all cool metal guys, this guy also has great Photoshop skillz...and he puts them to use in order to pose in front of Sarah Palin? I'm so confused. Also, judging by his jewelery, he must sell his wares to Chuck Billy.

"Yeah, turn on the fan so that my hair will photograph well. Wait, can you see the NASA patch in the picture? Make sure the NASA patch comes out."

Retroview: Dio - Holy Diver

Let me state my case plainly: if you do not like this album, you are a piece of shit. If you think this album is a joke, you're a retard and you don't know shit about metal. In fact, I'll go so far as to say that if you do not like this album you have no business listening to metal. It's as simple as that.

First of all, look at the cover! How much more metal can you get than some demon drowning a chained up priest from a mountaintop under an ominous sundown!? So fucking awesome.

The album kicks off with the balls out rocker "Stand Up and Shout." Vivian Campbell (of Def Leppard fame) lays down some killer riffs while Ronnie wails nonsensical shit like "You are the driver/ You own the road/You are the fire go on explode!" "Holy Diver" is a stone cold, undeniable classic. That epic, chugging, mid-paced riff is unforgettable. Again, I have no idea what the fuck any of it means, lines like "Ride the tiger/You can see his stripes but you know he's clean," make no sense, but who cares? From there Ronnie goes on to sing about riding gypsies, not talking to strangers, and being invisible. "Straight Through the Heart" is another favorite. It's four and a half minutes of pure fist-pumping, head-banging intensity. A song about a rainbow (even if it's in the dark) with a keyboard-driven melody doesn't sound very metal, but "Rainbow in the Dark" is an umistakable classic and perhaps Dio's finest moment. The album comes to a fitting close with the creepy-crawling power ballad "Shame On the Night" and in just over forty minutes you've experienced one of the greatest metal albums ever made.

And of course let us not forget the excellent videos that accompanied the album, the most memorable of which is for the title track, "Holy Diver." It features a fur-clad Ronnie James roaming a desolate land as the most improbable and least intimidating of warriors. He turns two vagabonds into rats with his sword and then visits a blacksmith where he receives a new sword and then proceeds to prance around a castle swinging his new sword around betraying the fact that he has no idea how to actually use it. I'm not sure which makes less sense, the video or the lyrics, but I love them both dearly.

The second video is of course for "Rainbow in the Dark." In this classic video we find our favorite heavy metal elf singing on the roof of some building in a leather vest with no shirt on while some creepy schlub in a suit lusts after some chubby girl he sees on the street. Vivian Campbell then rescues the girl from the clutches of the creepy schlub by playing a guitar solo in his face and Ronnie continues strutting and singing on the roof. Keep your eyes peeled for his pointy, fur-lined white boots. Mama mia!

Metal Inquisition Investigative Report: Metal Real Estate (Part 2)

This is part two of the investigative report by Metal Inquisition about real estate in the world of metal. Part one can be found here. With all the talk of sub-prime loans on the news, we felt it was only right to investigate how real estate affects the world of metal. In our last report we looked at the homes of such luminaries as Dave Mustaine, Glenn Danzig and Jason Newsted. Today we round up a whole new group. Sadly, I was unable to get any pictures of the depressing apartments that members of Carnivore live in these days. I was also unable to find any pictures of Mortiis' castle. Still, these are pretty good. Enjoy.

Vinnie Paul

Honestly, I thought Vinnie Paul would have a nicer home. This thing looks like a collection of barns and shipping containers that were thrown into a garbage heap. Then again, what else would you expect from a fat white dude from Texas? This is in Arlington Texas (part of Dallas), where I thought you'd be able to buy something a little nicer with the insurance money you made after having your brother shot. Oh, damn. That's a joke. Too soon still? Come on. Seriously, I thought having a Pearl signature snare drum (finished in sweet snake skin) would at least buy you something that looked halfway like a house, not this pile of white trash rubble.

Geezer Butler

Okay, so this house is in Beverly Hills...but when you compare it to Ozzy's house it makes you want to cry. Poor Geezer, not only is his name "Geezer", but this is all he can afford. The poor guy toured for years with Ronnie James Dio just to save up for a down payment, and this is all he got. He probably tells people that he owns it, but doesn't live in it. "Oh, it's just an investment property." Right, sure. See that small white building in the back behind the pool? That's where he keeps a punching bag that has Ozzy's face on it. He punches it for four hours every afternoon, and then collapses in tears. He ends up in the fetal position, which is how he falls asleep every night. He then wakes up in the morning, and the same thing happens all over again.

Ronnie James Dio

Speaking of Dio, this is his modest home in Studio City, California. Yup, this is where the inventor of "throwing the horns" lives. Again, comparing this to Ozzy's house is enough to make anyone cry. For that matter, compare it to Gene Simmons' house (from the first part of this report), the other guy who also claims to have invented throwing the horns. See that white truck in front of his house? Well, Ronnie is Italian (real name Ronald Padavona), and like any real Italian he keeps a bread delivery route. Look, it's hard work, but I bet you anything that it pays way more than touring with Dio. Mortgage payments don't make themselves you know.

Mike Portnoy

You know how Dream Theater is kinda' prog, but not really? Similarly, this house is kinda' like a McMansion, but not really. It's not even big enough. Like Dream Theater's musical output, the house barely inspires a "meh" response from those that drive by. Also, it's worth mentioning that the house is in Coopersburg Pennsylvania, a suburb of Allentown. Living in a suburb of Allentown is like being a wart on a wart. Do you see the trampolin off to the left? That's where Mike Portnoy practices jumping up and down after he hears that people in countries outside the US actually care at all about Dream Theater, or his awful side projects.


More homes to come in part 3.

Metal Inquisition Investigative Report: Metal Real Estate (Part 1)

The United States economy is going into a recession. You've probably heard about it on the news, and you've probably heard that sub-prime loans may be a leading factor in all this. Yes, the real estate bubble is finally bursting. In order to keep our readers up to date on such important matters, we decided to look closely at the homes of some of the leading figures in the metal world. Yes, this is all real information that came from several sources, all of which are up to date and legit. Sorry, I wasn't able to find out which apartment complex members of Immolation live in...but I think I found some interesting ones nevertheless. Let's get started.

Dave Mustaine

Where does our favorite redheaded crybaby rest his weary bones after another long tour made up of night after night of sucking? This roomy estate in Fallbrook California, avocado capital of the world, is his choice. Fallbrook is a northern suburb of San Diego, and is no doubt a very pleasant place to live. Sadly, Mustaine will most likely be moving out since he's getting a divorce and she'll get to keep the house. Look behind the house, to the left of the big tree, there's a small replica of the main house for one of the redheaded Mustaine kids to play in. We can also tell by the fenced grounds that Mustaine enjoys horses. I would pay top dollar for a picture of Mustaine riding a horse.

Thanks to an attentive reader who, after reading this post, did extensive research at the Library of Congress to find this amazing, and seldom seen photo. Said reader has been sent $14 via PayPal, and has been given the opportunity to buy two of my Obituary ticket stubs. Note his amazing form while hugging this fine equestrian specimen. I like that Mustaine is not afraid to show his emotions. This is a guy that will cry on film, and will hug his horsey for the camera. The pants are a little tight...but with a bod like that...why not share it with the world?

Peter Criss

Ah, the cul-de-sac. Is there anything more american? When looking for a home, born again christian, and barely-able-to-keep-time drummer Peter Criss chose this fantastic home in Wall Township New Jersey. Like ALL homes in New Jersey, its only about two blocks away from some type of shipping warehouse. As nice as it is, one quick look at Gene Simmons' house makes it pretty clear which of the two gets the checks for selling Kiss caskets and condoms.

Gene Simmons

Gene's Beverly Hills, 18,000 square foot monstrosity can be seen in his awful reality show. I suppose this is the type of home you buy after ripping off idiots who were dumb enough to buy Kiss pinball machines for years. Gene has been famously quoted as saying that if you don't understand why he needs two Bentley's, you'll never even have one. You have to give it to the guy for his gusto and business savvy. Having said that, this house is tacky as all hell.

Jason Newsted

Jason Newsted always struck me as the most sensible guy in Metallica. I know, that's not saying much. Bu you get my point. It's like the old joke about the Special Olympics. Even if you win, you're still a retard. Why do I say he's more sensible than other Metallica members? Well, he cut his hair first, he was cool enough to growl the vocals for "Whiplash" live, and he was smart enough to leave the band after milking it for what it was worth. Wait, I change my mind. By that measure, the most sensible member of Metallica was Cliff...because he died and cut his losses early on. Back to Jason....yes, he was partially responsible for some pretty awful albums, but he left before that one album where they replaced Lars' snare drum with a bell. As such, it makes sense that he would live in such a simple, straightforward house. While Lars was collecting Basquiat paintings, Jason was saving his money in order to be able to leave the band one day. Smart guy. You know what the greatest thing about this house is? It's where the Echobrain album was recorded! Wow.

Glenn Danzig

I honestly don't understand how this is all that Glenn can afford. Does he have a business manger or an accountant? I know that someone could easily say that I don't understand California real estate, and that this piece of garbage costs a whole lot of money. But jesus, just look at it! What do you see on top of the house? It's a TV antenna, which is clearly visible in other shots I found of the house. He doesn't even have cable!

This house is awesome because it's where that scene in the Danzig home video was taped, the one where he shows you his "various books about death." It was also in this home that he talked about how evil an e-chord is. Yes, the place is overgrown in an effort to show how evil he is, but even with that in mind, its tiny! Man, if there is one way you can show people how evil you are, its by not weeding or keeping up with your yard work. That is the epitome of evil! Look, his neighbor has a 1986 Nissan, so it can't be that nice of a neighborhood. Speaking of cars, all that Glenn can afford is a Jaguar XK8? How pedestrian. He has the same taste in cars as Angela Bower in Who's The Boss.

Also, what's the deal with that red brick wall to the left of his car? Is that a fort to protect himself against water balloons from the neighborhood kids?

Kirk Hammett

Lastly there's Kirk Hammett, the lovable Filipino. Known mostly as the laughable wah pedal-happy lead guitarist of Metallica, Kirk is also a real estate mogul. Not really. Kirk was clearly influenced by Glen Danzig's idea to let ivy grow all over his damn house. The guy has been trying to sell this San Francisco pile of crap for years (12.5 million), but has had no offers. I don't know why that is. After all, this is the house that can be seen in Some Kind Of Monster, which is filled with useless horror movie memorabilia. Just think about it, this is the house where Kirk has spent countless hours crying while Lars and James argued back at the studio. This is the house where he looked in the mirror and said "yeah, I think I'll grow a tiny bicycle skid mustache." For that alone, this house is worth millions.




More metal homes to come soon.

Metal Inquisition Video Vault: The State Of Metal—1991

1991, at least according to this piece of footage, was a tough year for metal. Listen to Tom Araya, Lars Ulrich and Kirk Hammett weigh in on this very important subject. Lars was as annoying then as he is now. Jesus, does he ever stop? The man has been annoying since birth. I think he probably came out of his mother talking about his theories on NWOBHM.

The report concludes that the trouble with metal comes down to nomenclature, watch and laugh. Slow start, but hang in there.

Please note:

1. Kirk Hammett's weird teeth and his tiny bicycle skid mustache.
2. Tom Araya's name, misspelled. He drops some knowledge.
3. Ozzy telling us about washing machine metal (my favorite part)
4. Lars drops knowledge too, and he refers to Guns N Roses as "the Guns guys"

TORA, TORA, TORA! NIHON-JIN RAISHU! - 日本人来襲!!!

X-Japan are a rad Japanese band from the 80's. They are like the Nitro of the Land of the Rising Sun. I really like them and I rediscovered them in the last 2 months. They've been blasting in my office since. Anyway, I saw an awesome post on an Indonesian blog about a year ago and I thought you'd enjoy it. Nothing makes me laugh more than badly written English, which is funny 'cuz English is like my third language and I'm sure others laugh at my sad attempts to write it correctly.

This post may seem like MI staffers are becoming lazy. Afterall, it's nothing more than a repost from another blog. But it wasn't as easy as it sounds. First of all I had to find it again. I had seen this post months and months ago and it took me about 10 minutes to find it. That's like 4 years in Google time, you see? Second of all, I had to edit it for content. Finally I had to research all the facts, make sure all the information within was reliable and factual. I'm kidding, I didn't really do any of that.

Enjoy...

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This band was occur since 1982 as the same year I born. I get to knew them in the year of 2003. I still remeber one of my colleague borrow me the Mp3 of X-Japan CD. It was quite awful when I starting to hear thier music but no choicelah coz my work place PC crash so have to format all over again and my mp3 all gone. I am so addicted to Japanese song although I dunno what the hell they are singing. So this were the first Japanese Heavy Metal band I have heard.

There were the 1st Japanese Heavy Metal Band in Japan. Very classical band with Benimaru(KOF) hair style, I am still wondering how they made thier hair stand so high like that.


I dunno what is the reason they make me so addicted to thier musics and yet thier music have been already 20 years already. Maybe is because the fast rythm of the musics make me crazy about it song such as Blue Blood, rusty nails, jealousy and Dahlia. And they also have ballad such as Endless rain, Forever Love and Longing.

From Left to right: Hide(Eguitar), Toshi(vocal), Yoshiki(drum and piano), Pata(Eguitar) and Heath(bass)

Thier History:

X-Japan were one of first visual band in Japan and also most popular. They start in teh middle 80’s with the union of school friends Yoshiki (drums and piano) and Toshi (vocals). After that the joined with a couple other guys and formed band X.
They release two singles ‘I Will Kill You’ and ‘Orgasm’ and made to two compilacions albums with other Japanese new comer bands. At this time Pata (guitar) and Taiji (bass) is joined the band.
In 1988 they make their effort first album ‘Vanishing Vision’ and hire second guitarists, Hide. The album was released on Yoshiki news record label Extasy. It was a great success and they change to Sony records. More albums (’Blue Blood’ and ‘Jealousy’) and more touring hapend.
With Jealousy tour they tried to come out in America, but no one there wanted this visual bands like this. They renamed the band in X-Japan because in America there was already punks band called X. The band hads great success in Japan and the members also makes solo projects.
At this time Taiji (bass) left the band and was replace with Heath. Yoshiki wrote the 23 minutes long song ‘Art Of Life’ which was the first records on the new label Atlantic Records.
In 1996 finally came their last album ‘Dahlia’. In the spring of 1997 Toshi (vocals) decided to quit the band for ‘artistic and religous reasons’, so they announced their disbanding in September 1997. They make a final Goodbye concert in December in this year. Members made diferent solo projects. In 1998 a terible tragedy happen. Hide commit suicide for very unknown reason. The fans were shocked and sadend with melacholy and memory. Yoshiki draw back from public. In 2000 he starte a comeback with his project Violet UK.

Here come thier video:




These guys are the godfather of jrock, so even if you don’t like their musics style, they still demand your respect for sure. Without X, there would be NO jrock and Americans musics would certainly be affected in more ways than one.


It was so sad one of thier member has pass away(Hide) and so thier band also break of as well . Bye …..Legend of J-rock.

Paul Stanely: Stage Banter All-Star

The entire Metal Inquisition staff is committed to finding the very best in stage banter for the enjoyment of all our readers. As such, it was only a matter of time before we put together a multi-media presentation to share the magic that is Paul Stanley on stage. Listen and be amazed by his effeminate antics, his homoerotic commentary and his vaudeville-style black accent. Even if you are not a Kiss fan, this one is a must. Enjoy.

The Great Kat—Video Roundup

What can I possibly say about the Great Kat that these clips can't say for themselves. The Long Island native (figures) went to Julliard (something that EVERY bio, set of liner notes, or write-up had to remind you of, probably due to strict orders from her managment) and went on to terrorize America's ears with the dumbest shtick ever...playing classical music at high speeds. She's still at it, believe it or not. She even did a nice patriotic video post 9-11, which you can see below. My friend once saw her live and said that all thirty people in attendance were made to go on stage and worship her on their knees for her song "Worship Me Or Die"....ugh. I remember metal dudes saying she was hot stuff back in the day. Oh boy. Maybe the liked awful yellow teeth. They probably thought Lori Bravo was hot stuff too. Much like the Predator vs. Alien argument, which was only settled once the movie was made, the Great Kat vs. Lori Bravo argument is as old as time itself. Sadly, it can only be settled by doing a movie about it...and Hollywood is not taking Kat's calls.

I picture her today, working at a car wash in Long Island, mumbling to herself as she scrubs down a guido's Escalade "worship me or die, worship me or die, worship me or die". She probably cries herself to sleep alot.

Ask me about killing black metallers

When I lived in Cleveland in the late 90s, there was a crazy Russian kid that used to wear a black baseball hat that just said "DEATH METAL" on it in big white letters to all the shows. I think he had it made at the mall or something. I thought that was really cool, but one day he took it one step further and arrived at a Nunslaughter/Malignancy show wearing a shirt in the same style, only this time it said "ASK ME ABOUT KILLING BLACK METALLERS."


I'm not really sure what the point of this story was. In the same way that I admired the straightforward title of Dismember's 1999 album "Death Metal," I guess I just admired his commitment to death metal. Like him, I was angry and confused by black metal. I didn't know why anybody would rather listen to screeching banshees wailing about trolls and vikings over repetitive, trebly guitars when they could be jamming to Pyrexia or Baphomet. I still don't. Not when there are great bands out there like Cemetery Rapist.

Anyway, I don't know what happened to that guy, but if you know him, please tell him that I would like to ask him about killing black metallers.

Iron Maiden Fans—Impossible to contian by the bounds of musical standards, age, or lack of musical skills

A "manualist" plays Aces High with his, well, his hands. I thought being a "manualist" was something your creepy uncle could be convicted of. Turns out it's just something that creepy Italian men from Jersey (who tell people they were extras in The Sopranos) do when they're home alone, while sitting on their classy camouflage furniture.




This guy's vocal range is about as deep as spit on a rock. He's no Anton Maiden, but still. Much respect.





Who plays the harp? Who the hell plays Maiden on the harp? This guy. What a winner. I'm sure his parents are thrilled that they spent 2 G's on a godamn harp.





I know that Gauchos are now old news, everyone has seen these kids play all the metal jams, but this roundup would not be complete without them. Their sister doing back ups is the best part.

Canada's Anvil Makes A Documentary

I know what you're saying "There's a documentary about Anvil? Oh hell to the no...I was with you when you posted about the Overkill documentary, but this is too much!" Look, I too thought this movie would be a huge waste of time (and it probably still is) but this clip proves that when metal is involved, comedy is ALWAYS around the corner. Wait for the fat dude towards the end rocking out while sitting on a La-Z-Boy.

Iron Maiden, 3.14.08. Thoughts And Observations

Photo by Heidi Coluzz

It's a challenging task indeed to attempt to to encapsulate the Iron Maiden show in New Jersey's Izod Arena in a single post. But overall, it's safe to say that the experience was grand, and Metal Inquisition staffers have put their thoughts together in this post for you, the reader. Yes there were some flaws (backdrops only? No huge mummy version of Eddie in a coffin behind Nicko?) but overall it was a satisfying experience. Here are some thoughts, observations and memories tied into the event.

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Right as we came into the arena, I was amazed to see a guy with no forearms (just tiny, tiny hands at elbow level) throwing the horns and sticking his tongue out as his friends screamed "Maiden!" I knew this would be a memorable event.

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Seeing a young kid, maybe 18 years old, with a very new-looking tattoo of the cover of Repulsion's "Horrified" was a breath of fresh air. If metal is still alive, it's alive within that kid. Sadly the kid looked like he had fetal alcohol syndrome...but beggars can't be choosers.

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After the show ended, after drinking beer, and chanting "six, six, six, the number of the beast!" all the metalheads rushed to the Mrs Field's cookie stand by the door to buy warm cookies. Talk about reverting to their youth! It's odd to see a dude with an Overkill "Fuck You" t shirt run up to the cookie stand and say "two chocolate chip, and ... oooh oooh! Two oatmeal ones!"

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As I expected, there was a large number of older fans that clearly had well paying jobs, and had (in a way) moved beyond their metal roots. The award for most together fan goes to the guy who cut us off as we drove into the parking lot, as he drove a new Lexus LS 600L. Driving a $100,000 car to a Maiden show is a nice choice indeed. I admire the guy for driving the same car that some of the band members he was going to see may have. Not to brag, but I remember doing the same thing back in the day. I drove my Ford Festiva to a Deicide show in the mid-90s, which I'm sure is what the Hoffman brothers were sharing at that point in their lives. Perhaps they still share that car. Lastly, allow me to point out that Festivas are great cars due to their "one key opens all" approach, by which I mean that the key to your Festiva will open nearly 80% of other Festivas. This is true, not safe, but true.

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Celebrity sighting? Well, uh...sorta. Was that King Fowley and the guitar player from Deceased in front of me at the show? It totally was!

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Security, being the usual uptight dopes that they are to metalheads (are they jealous of metal's free spirited attitude? I don't know), asked a guy in front of me to stop headbanging! I'm not even kidding! Dude was going crazy and getting WAY too into it. But still. Security dude shined his flashlight on him, and yelled at him to stop. What? It's Maiden man! Damn.

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Dave Murray's hair looked like it died sometime during the Seventh Son Of A Seventh Son tour. I don't mean it all fell out...most of it is there, but it's dead, expired, kaput, out of order. Look at it in this picture, it looks exactly like the Cryptkeeper's hair, who was supposed to be a corpse! Even Eddie would be looking at him thinking "man, what about some conditioner?"

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Jesus, Bruce...those are some pants! He looked like godamned Big Bird.

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I know the Eddie-walking-on-stilts issue is a serious one for Maiden fans. You see, some fans get mad when you point out how awkward and cheap it looks. Is it cheesy? You bet. Does the guy in that outfit and stilts move awkwardly as hell, making for a comical moment of stupidity in the show? Yes. But would we all miss it if it weren't there? Yes. Hey, at least they're not busting out the weird dancing couple or Chewbacca from the "Number Of The Beast" video.

Photo by Heidi Coluzz

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This concert had further proof for me that metal is indeed an equal opportunity sub-culture. Right as we came in, a fat midget (okay, okay... little person) was chillin', talking to his friends with a swagger normally reserved for top-of-the-pecking-order individuals in most sub-cultures. This guy was badass, talking about "some chick dude, I don't even remember who she was". I was amazed. Here was this lil' guy, wearing a vintage "Killers" t shirt talking about "some chick." I was happy for him, and for all of us. Metal, the great equalizer.

Note: Not actual midget sighted at Maiden show.

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Though only shown quickly from time to time on the big screens on either side of the stage, Nicko's face has obviously gotten even more grotesque over the years. What happened to his nose? It looked like a pug was playing drums.

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A sad, sad fact dawned on me while the audience rocked to "Fear of the Dark". I looked around and noticed there were a lot metal chicks. Most of them weren't that hot, but the point is that they were there with their dudes. Some guys out there ended up with metal chicks, but none of us did. We were an 8-dude sausage fest. I never thought about it, but NONE of my friends ended up with a kick-ass girl that wears rad Testament tees. All our significant others are pretty square and dull. What a bummer. I wish my lady had bad tattoos on the cleavage.

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Most embarrassing moment of the evening: As Steve Harris played the first few notes of The Clairvoyant, I turned around and yelled "Fuck yeah, TAILGUNNER!" Uhm, I have no excuse, I confused a song from 7th Son with a song from No Prayer. I'm pretty lame, I know.

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Opening for Maiden has to be a tough job. Who wants to see a band before Maiden? I paid my money, let me see what color spandex Harris is wearing NOW, dammit! Dude, Steve Harris' daughter's band opened for them. I don't even know where to start with this bunch of fucktards. Wow! They sucked... Every song was generic with terrible generic lyrics, generic riffs, generic solos... BARF! The one good thing is that they only played 5 songs. If they ever come to your town: RUN!

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I don't know why, but where we were standing the sound wasn't that loud. So I could hear everyone around the singing. Ew! They all sounded terrible! "Hey, bro, just 'cuz you are wearing a Somewhere in Time tee and know the words, it does not mean you can carry a tune!" That's when I realized the guy in front of me was probably thinking the exact same thing. "I'm sorry, dude, I guess I should practice what I preach" Let me illustrate may point:

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Moonchild is a fucking amazingly metal tune and I owe it my sore neck and throat.

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We all know that Maiden are big soccer fans. I was aware that they were West Ham supporters, but they really took it to the max on this tour. Not only was Steve Harris wearing his WH wristbands and bass strap with the Hammers sticker, but Nicko's Whole drumset was WH colors. I think that's awesome. I wonder if Frodo hangs out with them <--Really, really obscure reference. Anyone?