Great black metal interviews

A few months back, fellow M.I. staffer Gene Hoglan's Balls posted what may perhaps be the greatest video of all time. I'm talking about the famed interview with Profanatica in which they make absolute assholes out of themselves by saying ridiculous shit, while wearing corpsepaint in their mom's basement. Although the most crucial part of the interview was edited (band members masturbate onto a bible), the amazing comedic value of that video will not be forgotten by all of those who saw it . Sadly, the video has since been taken down from YouTube, which is a real shame. All that remains on the interweb of this great video, is one lone screenshot (below). We can also be reminded of their stupidity by this now internet-famous (obviously not work-safe) shot of them naked.



So where does that leave us, now that we have no access to Profanatica making huge asses out of themselves? Well, much like a monkey who is forced to drink his own urine as a result of not having access to water...I was forced to find cheap replacements to entertain myself. I will admit, these videos don't come close to the genius that was Profanatica's interview...but they'll have to do for now. By the way, I love how these bands tend to do their interviews while sitting at some kind of black magic desk, filled with candles and skulls, and potions. I wonder if I can buy a desk like that at Ikea.




"No pretty people"
This video features some of the aspects that made the Profanatica video great, but in smaller doses. Band members talk about the scene, about how black metal is real, about how their music makes no compromises, all while one guy randomly makes noises.







"The high potency of magic"
This guy seems to be baking cookies while he does his interview, he's constantly mixing ingredients while sitting at his evil desk. He should really wait until after the interview to make the cookies. I know, because I once tried to bake a cake while I was on the phone with my mom...and I messed it up badly. This one is kinda' long.





"All these people, on this planet which they classify as Earth"
Oooof, I don't even know what to say about this one. How can I describe it...a highly effeminate man (talks about about his band while shuffling playing cards and drinking from a Bud Light tall boy. Does that coat he's wearing look familiar? Why yes, it was last worn by Gaahl's boyfriend. Check out the picture.


I know the Absu video is old...but it still makes me wonder if there is now a secret society of black metal dudes who like each other's company. Like a modern day, gay black metal mafia. By the way, to all those who gave me crap for posting about the "rumors" that Gaahl was gay, please note that he has now confirmed this. The story has now come up in greater detail in Norwegian newspapers, and Germany's Rock Hard magazine.

But back to the Absu dude, I like how he says that "some people" classify this planet as being Earth. Actually, we ALL kinda' classify it as Earth. Actually, we refer to it as earth...but I think we probably CLASSIFY it as a planet. No? A dog is an animal, yes...but perhaps we could also classify it as a canine and a mammal. The order of things, according to my science teacher in high school, was: Kingdom, division, class, order, family, genus and species. Planets aren't even animals...but you get my point. It reminds me of members from the Nation of Islam, who put every single concept, term and idea into question no matter how small. "The so called white man, has been in so-called control of this so-called country, by use of so-called politics."

Where are they now: Mike Browning edition

If you're anything like me, Nocturnus is still probably your favorite drummer-fronted, Florida death metal to feature keyboards, and deal with the subject of time travel extensively. Because I continue to hold this band in such high regard, it was only logical that a thorough investigation be launched by the M.I. investigative staff regarding the whereabouts of the band's leader and frontman, Mike Browning. Below are the results of our investigation:

Mike continues to live in Tampa, Florida, where he earns between 30-45 thousand dollars a year, according to his MySpace profile. He owns the home he lives in, which he bought for only $45,000 in 1995. He lives behind a pawn shop (location, location, location!), where he apparently manages to score additions to his collection of Egyptian artifacts.

Mike's house is the one with a dark roof, directly behind the pawn shop.

These days, Mike has diverse interests ranging from dressing up as an Egyptian pharaoh, to playing the bongos while being dressed up as a pharaoh. Oh, and he's also into Kabbalah. First Madonna, then Aston Kutcher and now Mike Browning? Damn. Anyway, here are some images to quench the unbelievable thirst that comes with not having seen your musical hero for many years. Enjoy.

Here we see Mike playing the bongos while contemplating his musical career. Check out all the cool candle holders he's scored at the pawn shop over the years. Poor Mike, he sang about a "Lake Of Fire", but all he can afford now are a few candles from Ikea.




In this picture we see his two cars, and it also teaches us that if you're metal, you don't need a driveway...just park in the dirt. Check out the wicker chair and the wind chimes in the porch.




These are Mike's dogs, a rottweiler and a half-wolf/half-german shepherd. I should point out that owning a half-wolf is illegal in Florida unless you have a at least 2 1/2 acres of land and are granted a special, Class II Wildlife Permit by the Florida Game and Freshwater Fish Commission, but I'm sure Mike has all his paperwork in order. Why does Mike have these two menacing dogs? so that the droids wont enter his house while he's away. Get it? It's a joke!

Anyway, the inside of the house is exactly what you'd expect: stained carpets, and one of those awful area rugs with a wolf on it, the kind that is sold out of a van on the side of the road. (See the image below). Note the scratches on the door from the dogs trying to get out, due to Mike going on and on about how he was in Morbid Angel once. Can you blame the poor dogs?





Nothing says "evil" like pure American muscle. I'm with you there Mike. Sweet skull licence plate holder by the way.

Mike's way into marine life AND Photoshop! He's a true renaissance man, just consider his wildly varied interests.

Mike appears to be a huge fan of Steve Martin's early work.

What is it about Egypt that so captures the imagination of metal musicians? Fist there was Nile, and now we find out that Mike Browning has been parading around his house in Cleopatra make-up while wearing pirate-style shirts. Did he travel back in time with the Nocturnus time machine and end up in Egyptian times? Did the guys from Nile go with him? Why didn't they all stay there? I guess we'll never know.



PS: Before anyone points it out, I realize that my use of the "Things I would destroy if I had access to the Nocturnus time machine" label is contradictory to say the least. If Mike Browning and Nocturnus weren't around, neither would the very time machine I speak of. The use of this label puts the very space/time continium into question. So, while problematic, this notion is nevertheless highly descriptive of the feelings commonly held regarding both the band and their musical/lyrical output.

Paul Stanely: Stage Banter All-Star

The entire Metal Inquisition staff is committed to finding the very best in stage banter for the enjoyment of all our readers. As such, it was only a matter of time before we put together a multi-media presentation to share the magic that is Paul Stanley on stage. Listen and be amazed by his effeminate antics, his homoerotic commentary and his vaudeville-style black accent. Even if you are not a Kiss fan, this one is a must. Enjoy.

Darkthrone's Fenriz—A True Maverick In The World Of Interior Design

This video is from a Norwegian TV show where they ask celebrities to speak about the album that means the most to them. Darkthrone's Fenriz chose a Uriah Heap album, which is kinda interesting, but the real story here is his taste in home decor.




Note his use of a stripped sheet as a curtain. Due to the the vertical stripes, the room appears larger, and it really brings the eye when you first see it. The tabletop foosball game is an unusual choice, but it brings an sense whimsy and playfulness to the space. In a bold (and rather avant garde move), Fenriz has chosen to do away with the antiquated concept of a bed...and has simply put his mattress over the box spring. He decorates his bed with a stuffed duck, which again brings the element of whimsy that spaces like this usually lack. Regarding his choice to do away with a bed, and simply use his mattress and box spring....It's this type of unexpected genius that has always made Fenriz a bit of a maverick in the musical world. Think of "Soulside Journey" as an Ikea Malm bed.


Most of us see that bed and think "yeah, sure that would work just fine as a bed, sign me up." Similarly, most of us would say "Soulside Journey is a fine Swedish death metal album by a band from Norway". But not Fenriz. He looks at the Malm bed, laughs at it, pees on it and comes up with a better solution. If you are still with me on the comparison of beds to albums...that would make his bedding solution "A Blaze In The Northern Sky". This is my assessment, though I know a great deal of discussion has gone on in this very blog as to the validity of Darkthrones black metal "holy trinity" (as some have called their first three black metal albums). Nevertheless, we can all acknowledge that those albums were different, and received praise by many. Similarly, his choice to do away with a traditional bed will be controversial in the world of design...but will certainly get some recognition either way. As such, the comparison stands.

Lastly I'd like to quickly highlight two more pieces in the composition. The white grandma-style chair brings a touch of class and a sense of history to an otherwise modern space. Another unexpected classical touch is the knotty pine bookshelf on the back (somewhat reminiscent of French rococo decorative arts in the 18th century), which works well in highlighting the architectural detail of the room, and also works well for holding the stuffed kitty that sits at the very top of it.

So next time you're going to criticize any part of Darkthrone's musical output (be it the death metal albums, the black metal, or any of the other crap they've done...like the weird vocals in Goatlord) think about the fact that while you're just sitting around doing nothing, Fenriz is busy in Oslo helping shape the future of interior design.

ps: If you are in the mood for more Darkthrone, check out some nice highlights of videos they made for the re-relase of the their early albums here. The Nocturno Culto part is the best, which starts about 40 seconds in.

Creepy Loser Fans Reveal Cliff Burton Memorial Stone In Sweden

This video, as the title of the post states, features a bunch of loser Cliff Burton fans in Sweden unveiling a memorial stone near the site of his death. For such a momentous occasion, the idiots (who probably raised money for the memorial by recycling cans, selling their Abbatoir records, working at Ikea...the usual Swedish boy scout methods) could only get a white pillow case and four rocks to cover up the damn thing for the unveiling. Who do you notice missing from this important ceremony? Well....what about, Cliff's family? Members of Metallica? They all probably tried as hard as possible to be as far away from this place as they physically could. But just look at all the high school newspapers from the surrounding areas that are there to cover the event. Impressive.

Black Metal in film

Perhaps the one metal sub-genre that most lends itself to being featured on film is black metal. Is there a term for being photogenic, but for film? Filmogenic? Videogenic? Whatever.

"Until the Light Take Us"
A documentary by directors Aaron Aites and Audrey Ewell currently in post-production. Will feature interviews with the usual....uh...suspects, or in this case, convicts (a little black metal/crime humor for all the kids) including a jailed Varg Vikrnes (aka Count Grishnackh) after his escape attempt in 2003. The two clips on YouTube are not great, but the movie will be.



Lords of Chaos
A fictional film based on the book by the same name. ZU33, the San Diego based film company producing it currently lists the film as being "under development". The film is directed by Hans Fjellestad.

True Norwegian Black Metal
Produced by vbs.tv, this multi-part documentary mostly focuses on Gorgoroth's singer Gaahl. Really worth watching, though the end is a bit melodramatic.