Random thoughts

A still from the first Metal Inquisition video podcast, soon to be released. In the premiere episode of what promises to be a long-running series, I will discuss how difficult it is to open albums due to that cellophane that they wrap them with. That's the kind of hilarious and insightful commentary you can expect from our podcast series.

Most of my posts for this blog come to me quickly, and always fully formed... and ready to be shared with the world. This, I believe, is a clear sign of my comedic genius as well as my above average intelligence. From time to time, however, lesser thoughts come to mind, and I generally disregard them. Today, however, I present all you (our beloved readers) with some of the very thoughts that fill my brain nearly every hour of the day. These are leftovers, but good ones. Much like you can make sloppy joe's out of old hamburgers, I have made a post out of discarded thoughts. In a sense, I am welcoming you to my inner thoughts, and what goes on inside my mind. It ain't much, but it's all I've got. Welcome to my hell. Welcome to the hell.

I should note that this format (small bits rather than lengthy posts about one subject) have inspired the Metal Inquisition video podcasts, which will be released soon via iTunes, and will be compiled as a DVD series to be released internationally by Steamhammer records. The videos will feature me at my desk (see picture above) sharing my observational remarks about the world of metal and the culture that surrounds it. Stay tuned as we continue to update you on the podcasts, but in the meantime enjoy this post/piece.


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Google loves us. How do I know? If you search for any of the following things on Google:

Blue Grape Merchandise

Metal Inquisition

Wigger slam

Tommy Victor disease

Robb Flynn's disease

The first result listed is none other than Metal Inquisition. This may seem like a small feat to many of you, but here at MI we take our success seriously. As such, commemorative plates will be given out this August during our annual company picnic. Note that "metal inquisition" is one of the terms that we have the top listing for. While this may seem obvious, I can just hear the blood pressure of members from the band Piledriver skyrocketting as I type this. Why? Can you imagine naming a song and album "Metal Inquisition", then having it become more popular by a bunch of dudes who don't even really like your music?

Oh, I should mention, that I'm a bit disappointed that we are not the top result when you search for:

David Vincent muffin top

We are the second listing, but that's just not good enough. The struggle continues.







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The turning signal in my car makes a clicking sound that is exactly the same tempo as Prong's "Lost And Found". When you play drums, like I do, you encounter this sort of thing all the time. My last car's turning signal was exactly half the tempo of Laaz Rockit's "Fire In The Hole"

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A question for all of you who live in Europe, do you sometimes hear the whole world laughing at you? If you do, here's why:





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Have I ever mentioned how disappointed I am by the lack of free stuff I get as a result of writing on this blog? I know you will all hate me for saying this, as I'm supposed to write on the blog just because I love it..and I do...but damn it, free stuff would really sweaten the deal. I have not gotten one single thing for free as a result of my bringing happiness to people around the world. In comparison, most other blogs I read (about very different topics) have fewer readers and yet they get free stuff all the time. Lots of it, and they simply review it or whatever, and that's all . I hereby ask our readers to put uncle Lucho on their wills. Leave me your vinyl collection (so I can sell it on eBay), or simply send me your well-cared for long sleeve metal shirts (all size small thank you). Look, if you have free tickets to major sporting events or major label concerts give them to me. Kelly Clarkson? Sure, I'll go see her. Like a good latino, I'll never turn down anything that is free. Send me buckets of house paint, carpet scraps, cycling stuff, HVAC repair manuals, and/or harmonica instructional videos....anything. I swear, I wont tell anyone...so there would be no risk of us selling out. See how that works? If no one knows, it didn't happen. So if you get me tickets to some horrible show, or the Superbowl...no one has to know. Shhhhh.

I'm kinda' kidding. Wait, no I'm not. See, the problem is that the only thing people would probably send us would be horrible metal CDs to review...which are useless, and would simply pile up around my house. I see now that the problem is that we write about metal, something I like but don't necesseraly want more of. Why did we have to start a blog about metal, which is something that you can't get any cool free stuff for? How stupid were we? We should have started a blog called "Ferrari's, stacks of money and supermodels". I mean, metal is cool and all...but the best some horrible label could do is send us horrible CDs from their horrible bands, which all suck. Why can't someone send me the original master tapes to the Terrorizer album, or the headphones that Scott Burns wore on the back of the Terrorizer album.

* I should note that after this entry was originally written one of our great supporters/readers has been kind enough to send us some free t-shirts and sweet merch. Many thanks to this kind soul for hooking it up.

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Does anyone remember the records that were widely available in the early 90s that featured interviews with metal bands, instead of music? I used to get so damn excited to see that some rare Slayer EP had made its way to my local record store...only to realize when I was about to buy it that it was just a stupid interview with Tom Araya from a radio show in France. What an odd relic from another time these records are. I now wish I had some of them. Here's an Anthrax one.



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While watching Iron Maiden's "Flight 666" documentary on TV, I realized that Nicko McBrain's nose is actually even more fucked up than I originally thought. I mean, he has no nose at all. Does anyone have any information regarding what on earth happen to his face? Did Clive Burr chew it off in as an act of vengance? Was Nicko the model that Derrick Riggs used when first painting Eddie? The only information I found out was not helpful at all, and came from an interview that Metal Sludge did with Nicko. Here it is:

You have an extremely flat face and nose. Kind of like one of those Pug dogs. Has anyone ever mentioned this to you and does it bother you?

No, it doesn't bother me mate.
But you too can have a Roman nose,

It'll be Roman all over your face.(TEE HEE).

So that reply from Nicko doesn't exactly give us any answers...although it does answer the age-old question: Is Nicko McBrain funny? The answer, as you can see, is "no".

As I've reported before, Nicko is a born again christian. With a face like his, I really don't understand his spiritual beliefs. I mean, much in the same way that many Jewish people who went through the Holocaust ceased to believe in God...if I had Nicko's face...I really wouldn't believe in a higher power. Talk about blind faith.

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About Anthrax's lackluster State Of Euphoria:

- Does EVERYONE'S copy of State of Euphoria feature a supposedly "limited edition" hologram sticker?

- I once showed my dad the artwork on the back of the album, which was done by that one guy from MAD Magazine, in an attempt to show him that the band was legitimate and not satan worshipers. My dad really liked MAD magazine, but failed to see Megaforce records shelling out some dough to have that illustration made as a sign of the band's legitimacy.

- As a kid, the cover of this record drove me insane, partially because it had no obvious direction. It had a logo on every side, so it had no obvious right side up. I guess that was part of the idea...but to this day it gets me angry. Similarly, Slayer's Haunting The Chapel cover angers me to no end due to it's disregard for information hierarchy. How can you have the EP's name over the band name? Come on now. What's next cats mating with dogs? Is the whole world going crazy?

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One of the many unrealized dreams I have in life is the fact that I have never gone ahead and done the very thing I insisted I would do since I was about ten years old. No, I'm not talking about going skydiving, climbing Mt Everest, or spending a week in Cancun (actually, I've done that last one). I'm talking about starting a Kiss tribute band that would ONLY play songs from their best two albums, Music From The Elder and Unmasked.

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My brother and I once got tickets to see a taping of the David Letterman show. Luckily, we ended up sitting on the balcony, right above the band's drummer Anton Fig. In case you don't know, Anton Fig is a studio drummer who played on a few Kiss albums as a result of Peter Criss being too drunk and/or sucking too much to play on those albums. Fig played on my favorite Kiss song, Torpedo Girl. As such, during the entire taping of the show, I would lean over the balcony and yell down at him "Play Torpedo Girl!". After the twentieth time of me yelling this out, he looked up at me...and gave me the look. What is "the look" you ask? The way you look at the town idiot before you stone him to death and defecate on his face. I was very quiet for the rest of the taping, including the interview with Uma Thurman.


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Have you ever wondered what Joey DeMaio's weightlifting routine is? Have you ever wondered just how homoerotic things can get for Manowar while they're on the road? Well, you're in luck...because this video will show you everything you need to know. Please note that they count in german, and that Eric Adams likes to wear denim shirts to go to the beach. This video remeinds me of the time that I saw The Misfits on that first reunion tour. There was a large crowd behind the venue, I thought it was a fight. It wasn't, the band was lifting weights. Oy.

Great black metal interviews

A few months back, fellow M.I. staffer Gene Hoglan's Balls posted what may perhaps be the greatest video of all time. I'm talking about the famed interview with Profanatica in which they make absolute assholes out of themselves by saying ridiculous shit, while wearing corpsepaint in their mom's basement. Although the most crucial part of the interview was edited (band members masturbate onto a bible), the amazing comedic value of that video will not be forgotten by all of those who saw it . Sadly, the video has since been taken down from YouTube, which is a real shame. All that remains on the interweb of this great video, is one lone screenshot (below). We can also be reminded of their stupidity by this now internet-famous (obviously not work-safe) shot of them naked.



So where does that leave us, now that we have no access to Profanatica making huge asses out of themselves? Well, much like a monkey who is forced to drink his own urine as a result of not having access to water...I was forced to find cheap replacements to entertain myself. I will admit, these videos don't come close to the genius that was Profanatica's interview...but they'll have to do for now. By the way, I love how these bands tend to do their interviews while sitting at some kind of black magic desk, filled with candles and skulls, and potions. I wonder if I can buy a desk like that at Ikea.




"No pretty people"
This video features some of the aspects that made the Profanatica video great, but in smaller doses. Band members talk about the scene, about how black metal is real, about how their music makes no compromises, all while one guy randomly makes noises.







"The high potency of magic"
This guy seems to be baking cookies while he does his interview, he's constantly mixing ingredients while sitting at his evil desk. He should really wait until after the interview to make the cookies. I know, because I once tried to bake a cake while I was on the phone with my mom...and I messed it up badly. This one is kinda' long.





"All these people, on this planet which they classify as Earth"
Oooof, I don't even know what to say about this one. How can I describe it...a highly effeminate man (talks about about his band while shuffling playing cards and drinking from a Bud Light tall boy. Does that coat he's wearing look familiar? Why yes, it was last worn by Gaahl's boyfriend. Check out the picture.


I know the Absu video is old...but it still makes me wonder if there is now a secret society of black metal dudes who like each other's company. Like a modern day, gay black metal mafia. By the way, to all those who gave me crap for posting about the "rumors" that Gaahl was gay, please note that he has now confirmed this. The story has now come up in greater detail in Norwegian newspapers, and Germany's Rock Hard magazine.

But back to the Absu dude, I like how he says that "some people" classify this planet as being Earth. Actually, we ALL kinda' classify it as Earth. Actually, we refer to it as earth...but I think we probably CLASSIFY it as a planet. No? A dog is an animal, yes...but perhaps we could also classify it as a canine and a mammal. The order of things, according to my science teacher in high school, was: Kingdom, division, class, order, family, genus and species. Planets aren't even animals...but you get my point. It reminds me of members from the Nation of Islam, who put every single concept, term and idea into question no matter how small. "The so called white man, has been in so-called control of this so-called country, by use of so-called politics."

Metal Inquisition Investigative Report: Metal Real Estate (Part 4)

As I've stated before, one unfortunate aspect of metal is the lack of information about the earnings of metal musicians. In sports, for example, this type of information is often public. Why not in metal? I have long asked for complete transparency in the realm of metal...but my calls to Steamhammer records have gone unanswered, so too have my faxes to Wild Rags. It's for this reason that we here at Metal Inquisition have decided to roll up our sleeves and once again check into these matters the only way we know how. Real estate.

It just so happened that as we were starting this investigation, a fantastic email from a reader who lives in the same town as Manowar came into our mailbox. The email featured all kinds of fantastic insight as to what it's like to be at ground zero of the Manowar epidemic. Notice that I use the term "ground zero", which is often used in the context of 9-11...because in a way, Manowar itself is a good bit like a musical 9-11.

Manowar...pioneers in homoerotic attire since 1980.

As with all information we publish, we had to be thorough in checking out just how factual the reader's information was. As it turns out, it all checked out in multiple ways...and thank god for that. As a result of his email, our readers will now have a more thorough picture of what it's really like to be in and around Manowar. Prepare yourself...you are moments away from reading about how the KINGS OF METAL really live their lives. It's gonna' be a bumpy ride. Get ready.




FACT #1: Joey DeMaio lives in the basement of his parents' house in Auburn NY

I know, it's not hard to believe at all. Actually, it's barely shocking...but knowing that it's actually true is simply fantastic. It's a bit like when the gay community found out that Rosie O'Donnell was actually a lesbian. They already knew about it...but having it out in the open gave them all the ability to finally move on.


This is the house Joey lives in. It's worth $190,000. As before, our non-American readers can convert this amount, and other amounts in this article, into their own currency here. Yes, it's out of the basement of this house that Joey runs his musical empire. Maybe when his parents move away or retire in Boca, he'll inherit the house. Could that be his sweet Ford Probe out front? Nothing says "metal" like a fifteen year old American coupe with four cylinders that puts out a "meh" inducing 110 horse power. By the way, look at all the weeds growing in and around the driveway...Joey's mom is going to be pissed! Joey better get out there and do some weeding...pronto! I can hear her saying "Joey, I don't care if you are the King Of Metal. You better be the King Of Weeding, go out there and take care of that driveway!"

Who's that sexy Italian beast wearing the karate uniform? And what about that Casio watch and platform shoes? It's the one and only king of metal of course! He probably keeps this amazing outfit in a closet at his mom's house. Mom threatens to throw it out during every spring cleaning...and Joey flips out each and every time.

As much of a pain as it probably is to have a leech like Joey living in your basement, he also happens to be a nice Catholic boy. Oh yes indeed. Joey is a member of the Knights Of Malta, a catholic order of some kind with a very confusing history. Check out Joey wearing some sweet robes. He looks like an aging, upstate New York, Italian dracula:



Can you imagine being Joey's mom, and seeing him in his dracula robe, or his furry armor sneaking fat 19 year old girls down into the basement? The woman is a saint.

Here we see Joey with his parents, who no doubt cry themselves to sleep over what a joke their pathetic son has turned out to be. See the microwave oven in the back? That's where Joey's mom has tried to put her head during numerous suicide attempts.

Regarding Joey, our reader states:

I have the great misfortune being from the same shithole town as Manowar. One of the perks of living here, though, is that I can get close looks at Joey DeMaio's thinning, dyed hair as he shops for broccoli at the local grocery store. You see dudes wearing Manowar shirts around town all the time. Guys of that age probably went to high school with them, and knew them before they were 'rock stars'. I can imagine how things were in the early 80's when all the local scumbags were into metal. Now, things have changed all of their illegitimate children are a bunch of wiggers. I don't know what's worse.

FACT #2: Karl Logan wears a fanny pack, and gives guitar lessons to 11 year olds.

I know, I know...these are not exactly revelations, but aren't you grateful to know these things are actually true? Our reader also filled us in on the fact that Karl lives in this house (see below), which he rents. Since he rents, I wont bother giving you the price...but looking at the picture, I think you'll agree that you could probably trade a bag of potatoes for it.

The building where Karl Logan lives, which was previously Manowar's practice space. What did you expect...a castle with torches and a mote?

Our reader tells us more:

Karl Logan is the local guitar teacher and lives in some shitty old building that Manowar used to rehearse in. He drives a beat up pickup with "9/11 was a lie" bumper stickers on it. Did I mention he wears a fanny pack everywhere? Living here, I get to see Karl pulling cash out of the fanny pack he wears everywhere to pay for his coffee (dude kinda reminds me of Mantas in that laugh-out-loud funny looking kinda way).

FACT #3: Eric Adams works construction to make ends meet

I know, I know...you probably figured that this was the case. I wish I lived in Auburn so I could have Eric Adams come and do the drywall in my basement. I would blast Manowar upstairs as he huffed and puffed carrying sheets of drywall down the steps. Can you imagine? It would be amazing. Mr. Adams lives in a modest home. A VERY modest home that costs $69,000.

Look above the door, at least the guy has satellite TV. Good for him. I guess you could call this "the house that being the King of Metal built", or "the house that singing at children's parties built". Either will do.

As pointed out by one of our readers, Eric also teaches archery classes at the local Bass Pro Shop. You can read about his hunting abilities in the local news sources here. Eric also seems to perform music at children's festivals. But don't judge him, I'm sure he performs a catalog that is very high in metal content.

Much like a dead bird's feathers which loose their luster after the years, Eric's hair appears to loose both its pizzazz and its hair dye when he's not on the road. What the hell kind of hair color has his plumage faded down to? Is he trying to blend into the surroundings as part of his camouflage? I can't believe he gets away with hunting when he lives so close to Syracuse. If Karl Crisis hears about this, there's gonna' be trouble.

Our reporter on the street tells us:

I get to eavesdrop on Eric Adams' (real name Lou Marullo, his stage name is a combination of his kids' names) tales of glory at recent European festivals, while watching high school football games. Eric lives in a small house, right next door to a metal foundry on some depressing little street. Perhaps that's where they get their swords made. He does construction work on his off time from the band, which probably equates to 11 months a year. One of his kids is in a joke cover band called Motley Crouton that plays the shithole bars around here.

Sweet 'stache Eric...now go do my drywall!

If you want to go further into the world of all things Manowar, check out Eric's son's MySpace page here. You can also check out his band's page here.

In closing:
Do any readers have any input about other metal demi-stars, their monetary earnings or real estate holdings? Let us know.

Also, if the reader who sent us this email, or any other resident of Auburn can send in pictures of Eric carrying drywall, or Joey buying broccoli...you'll get many, many thanks from us, and the entire world. The only guy who won't thank you will be this 17 year old who just got inked. Imagine his surprise when he figures out that he makes more money bagging groceries part-time than Joey does. Ouch.



In the past, postings about Machine Head and Rob Flynn's Disease (RFD for short) got us an insane number of page views, mostly from angry fans. Our posts also initiated heated, angry diatribes in Machine Head boards. Let's see what this post does to Manowar fans. I can't wait.

Metal Inquisition Investigative Report: Are Sports Metal?

Since we just went through the Super Bowl (Go fucking Steelers!) here in the US and March Madness is just around the corner, I thought we should look at sports and metal. For last year's SB, Lucho did a post about fat metal guys who should be playing football (check it out here) and this year he did a post about Shane Embury and Steelers offensive guard Chris Kemoeautu.
Now, I want to go deeper into the professional sports / metal relationship. I want to figure out how metal each sport is and crown the most metal of all pro-sports! Sure, there's a few sports I know nothing about, like cricket, but how metal can they be if the 'Krusher isn't into them? Feel free to disagree, but if you do, you'd be dead wrong.

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AMERICAN FOOTBALL
Metal:
- The sport is pretty rough and there's plenty of running around and smashing into each other. All this fun violence would make Exodus proud.
- As Lucho pointed out last year, there's a lot of big guys in metal that could be linebackers. Most notably the guys in Crowbar look like the defensive line for the Pittsburgh Stillers. Fat guys are pretty metal.
- Some of the logos in the NFL are pretty metal, like the Raiders, the Buccaneers.
- Many metal peeps have been spotted throughout the years wearing American football jerseys. Danny Spitz, for example, wore a NY Giants jersey many times during the 80's.
- It's debatable whether or not spandex are metal or not. Sure, Poison wore them, but does Maiden and Manowar. Anyway, I'm gonna say that football spandex are pretty metal.

Not Metal:
- All the ass spanking. I'm no homophobe, but we all have to agree guys spanking each other's bee-hinds is not metal AT ALL.
- Too many black players. I'm not a racist either, but with few exceptions, black people aren't very metal. Sad but true.
- Some of the logos in the NFL are pretty fucking gay and not metal AT ALL: the Miami Dolphins, the Saints and the Jets are good examples.

OVER ALL METALNESS SCORE: 7/10

Hmmm... maybe he was checking for hemorroids?

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HOCKEY

Metal:
- Hockey is huge in Scandinavia and eastern Europe. That makes hockey pretty fucking metal, since there is pretty bad-ass metal bands from over there.
- Winter, snow and all that cold shit is pretty metal and hockey is all about that.
- Wacko from Raven used to wear hockey gear on and off stage: metal.
- Hockey, soccer and metal pretty much share the dubious honor of having the largest athlete/mullet ratio. Mullets are pretty rad and outside of 80's thrash bands and redneck Slayer fans, the only people who rock them right are hockey and soccer players.
- All the fights. Fighting is pretty metal and no one does it better than hockey players.
- There's that player Miroslav Satan that plays for the Penguins. Bad ass name, no doubt.
- The NJ Devils are a little metal, but the Atlanta Thrashers!? Sounds like Kurt Brecht should have been their goalie, you know?
- Metal "celebs" known to wear hockey jerseys include: that other guy in Vio-lence (Philly Flyers), Mike Muir (LA Kings), Riki Rachtman (Detrot Redwings) and the bass player for Mythic (Pittsburgh Penguins).
- Blades of Steel. Nothing to do with metal, but that game was pretty awesome.

Not metal:
- Two words: Canada sucks.
- The ice skating thing. Figure skating is SO NOT METAL, that the stigma spills onto hockey. Sorry, but it's true.
- Team names like The Ducks, Penguins, Maple Leafs, and the Blues make the NHL sound like a woman's soccer league.

OVER ALL METALNESS SCORE: 6/10

The first time I saw someone wearing a Satan jersey, I thought it was a joke. Joke was on me, I guess. Well, not really. It wasn't really a joke on anyone. Except maybe on baby Jesus.

Hey, speaking of jokes... God, I'm SO fucking a happy a "hockey mom" didn't get the chance to be a death away from the button. They obviously do not have very good decision making abilities!

What a fucking ass clown.

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BASKETBALL
Metal:
- Sometimes bands play shows in basketball arenas.

Not Metal:
- Everything else.

OVER ALL METALNESS SCORE: 1/10

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BASEBALL
Metal:
- What's his face from Prong wore a White Sox jersey in the "Prove you Wrong" video.
- Mike Muir wore an LA Dodgers jersey in the "Punk It Up" video
- Scott Ian has a Yankees gee-tar.
- Running around the bases is like a circle pit. Well, a one person circle pit. Never mind.

Not Metal:
- Baseball is SLOW and BORING, not like metal. FAST and LOUD!
- I've seen a few mullets here and there, but outside of Manny Ramirez, I can't think of one baseball player with long hair. Fucking posers.
- Very popular in the Caribbean. When's the last time you hear of a brutal band from the Dominican Republic?

OVER ALL METALNESS SCORE: 3/10

Oh, shit he wore the matching shorts! Nah-ha, I know he didn't! But he did!


It's truly an honor whenever I get to reference Infectious Grooves in any post of mine.

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RUGBY
Metal:
- I don't know much about rugby, but these assholes beat the shit out of each other with no pads, like the American football pansies. They are pretty fucking brutal dudes.
- The All Blacks. Just sounds cool and a little metal.

Not Metal:
- That little Hacka dance they do before games. All that tongue play and smacking themselves is creepy and not metal. It's like a South Pacific line dance.

OVER ALL METALNESS SCORE: 5/10

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MOTOR RACING
Metal:
- Fast cars are pretty metal. If I had an '85 black Camaro with green flames on the hood, a sweet sound system and a Slayer bumper sticker, I'd get all types of metal ladies. I'm just sayin'.
- NASCAR, as lame as it is, does share the beer drinking, mullet wearing attitude that some metalheads adopt.
- NASCAR's races are basically a huge circle pit without music. And people are in cars. Still the bump and crash and go in a circle!

Not Metal:
- Formula One is pretty weak in the metal scale. The drivers are all rich prima donnas with yachts in the Mediterranean.
- Motor sports are big time sellouts. You think Metallica sold out? At least they didn't have 379 logos on the gee-tars!

OVER ALL METALNESS SCORE: 4/10

Chick-motherfucking-magnet!

Try fitting these many logos on the back of a CD!


NASCAR fans... Gotta love'em!

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GOLF
Metal:
- Alice Cooper plays golf.

Not Metal:
- Alice Cooper plays golf.
- All the shushing. Silence is the antithesis of metal. Remember what Manowar said: All men play on 10!
- Golf carts are pretty fucking weak.

OVER ALL METALNESS SCORE: 1/10

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TENNIS
Metal:
- Just like golf, tennis would seem very un-metal, but I found a gem: Björn Borg's hair in the 80's was fucking metal!
- John McEnroe used to smash his racket like a metal guitarist might smash his axe.

Not metal:
- Lars Ulrich plays tennis.
- As in golf: all the shushing. Fuck that. I wanna hear it loud!

OVER ALL METALNESS SCORE: 1/10

Hell yeah!


Hey! It's Assclown Sr. and Assclown Jr.!

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SOCCER
Metal:
- Where is TRUE metal popular? I mean where do people still wear denim vests with Overkill patches? You got it, Europe and South America. Where is soccer incredibly popular? Same places!
- All over the world, fans make banners to bring to game using AC/DC, Maiden and Motorhead lettering.
- Maiden and Motorhead both sponsor youth and semi-pro teams in England.
- St. Pauli, a team in Germany, has a skull and cross bones as their logo.
- During Iron Maiden's show in Madison Square Garden last year, the power went out and for ten minutes, Adrian, Bruce and Dave kicked a soccer ball around on stage.
- Maiden sells soccer jerseys on their site.
- Soccer fans are rowdy, loud and love to fight: Metal
- Plenty of mullets, a.k.a. the soccer rocker.
- Sepultura wore soccer jerseys all the time.

Not Metal:
- Def Leppard and Duran Duran are big soccer fans.
- Elton John co-owns a team in England
- Soccer shorts are pretty gay
- Women's soccer.
- Palermo, in Italy, have pink uniforms.
- David Beckham.

OVER ALL METALNESS SCORE: 8/10

Hooligans are SO awesome! I wanna hang out with these guys. Chat about our lives and our dreams.

True soccer rockers. #10 there on the top left is Faustino Asprilla. $10 to the person who can tell me WTF he was doing in this team.


Metal up your asses, you little shits... metal up your young virgin asses.


Banner by the Chivas de Guadalajara fans, in Mexico


Soccer fans in South America are not only really good at making burritos, but they are also great artists!

Not only does Tony Meola have a mullet. He's also from Jersey and now sells real estate in Kansas City. It's true. look it up.

Officially licensed St. Pauli soccer ball. Awesomeness.

Sorry Palermo, I just don't see Slayer's new hoodies coming out in pink.

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CRICKET

Metal:
- Again, I don't know too much about cricket, but there's nothing I can think of that is metal about this sport.

Not Metal:
- Guys always wear white. Look at the dbags in that image above
- Outside of the British Isles it's only popular in non-metal countries. Not a lot of bands from India o Antigua.

OVER ALL METALNESS SCORE: 0/10

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WRESTLING
Metal:
- I've discussed wrestling and how metal it is (specially in Mexico) in another post (here). Read that first and I'll add a few points here.
- Wrestlers have long hair, kick ass and have slutty girlfriends
- As awesome metal dudes do, wrestlers dress like douche bags, but I wish I could pull off some of those outfits.
- Two words: Ass kicking.
- The Undertaker's finishing moves: Tombstone Pile Driver and Hell's Gates.
- Chris Jericho sings in a metal band. A really shitty metal band, but it's metal none the less.
- The only thing cheesier than Cannibal Corpse is Triple H.
- Wrestlers are broke ass losers with long hair and shitty tattoos, touring in a van, until they make it big.
- Balls Mahoney was spotted wearing Immolation and King Diamond shirts.
- Entrance songs for Triple H were written and recorded exclusively for him by Motorhead.
- In Mexico, El Bucanero's entrance song: Seek and Destroy

Not Metal:
- The whole greasy guys cuddling thing.
- Tighty Whities
- Wrestling is fake, metal is TRUE!
- John Cena.

OVER ALL METALNESS SCORE: 8.5/10

Fozzy, featuring Chris Jericho on vocals. I could a whole post on this image alone!


John Cena: not very metal.

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SWIMMING
In this past post, we already established that swimming is NOT metal.

OVER ALL METALNESS SCORE: 0/10

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CYCLING
Metal:
- Lucho did this post, and that's the only thing I could find that may be considered metal at all.

Not Metal:
- I used to be REALLY into cycling when I was a kid. Laurent Fignon, Bernanrd Hinault, Sean Kelly, Luis "Lucho" Herrera, Raul Alcalá... None of those dudes are metal in the least!
- Bikers shorts
- Lots of French people are into it.

OVER ALL METALNESS SCORE: 1/10

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VEREDICT: Wrestling and soccer are metal.
Football is OK, but everything else is poser dogshit!


There you go. I know there's other fucking sports out there, but the post would have to a book if I were to include all of them. I hope you enjoyed reading it.

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