Metal Inquisition Archives: Oh the memories

Last night, as I went down into the basement to do laundry (my butler is on vacation), I saw the Metal Inquisition archives sitting on the shelf ,where they have been for some months now. As you may all know by now, the Smithsonian has gone back on their word regarding admitting our files into their permanent collection. It's for that reason that the archives have been sitting there, collecting dust, waiting for one of the M.I. interns to catalog and sift through the endless amount of material that my brother and I collected over the years. Since that has yet to happen (Sergeant D has all of our interns busy washing his new car), I thought I should take matter into my own hands. As I began to wash my whites (aside from properly naming my mp3 files, I'm also diligent about separating my colored clothing from my whites during the wash cycle), I thought I would skim through the archives and see what I could uncover to share with you. I opened the lid, and this is what I found. Hope you enjoy it.



Right now you're probably thinking to yourself "What? A flower? Is Lucho one of them gays?" Well, let me explain. First of all, let me tell you that saying "them gays" makes you sound retarded. Second of all, if you were at all into true metal, you'd recognize the signature at the bottom. That's right bitches, this flower was drawn by none other that Obituary's Trevor Peres. Some of you may question my metal credentials...but let me ask you this: How many Trevor Peres original pieces of art hang on your walls? Zero? I thought so.

This fine piece of metal ephemera dates back to 1992. My brother and I had just moved from Miami to the god damned midwest. Within a week of moving, we saw that Obituary would be playing, and also doing an in-store appearance in a suburban strip mall. We boarded my mom's Subaru, and off we went to meet our metal heroes. I remember that that Obituary arrived in a slightly dated, slightly beat up white limo. You know what's more embarrassing than arriving in a sub-par limo? Well, how about arriving in a sub-par limo when there are only like eight people there to see you. That's exactly what happened. Since there were so few people there, we all got a fair amount of time to talk to the band...which I'm sure they just loved. What else would any band like more than sitting there talking to a teenage version of me. Doesn't that sound like fun? Because I had so much time with them, I got them to sign every single Obituary thing I owned. Due to the extreme boredom that the band members were enduring, Trevor mostly sat there drawing flowers. This struck me as funny, since he looked exactly like the Cryptkeeper's ugly brother. I asked if I could have one of the flowers, he looked at me kinda' funny..and gave it to me. I asked him to sign it, and he again looked at me funny. Was it worth it? Hell yes!





My brother and I used to sit at our desks for hours upon hours making beautiful artwork roughly based on the covers of our favorite records. This one was done by my brother, at a time when he was rightfully obsessed with Sacred Reich. I mean, aside from their awful name (seriously, "Reich"?) the band ruled his/our world. I love how the band's logo is dripping blood, the skull character is all creepy looking and yet "the american way" is rendered in such a happy, swoopy typeface. In case you're wondering, this piece dates back to 1992 also. Pencil on notebook paper. It will be available at the Metal Inquisition auction through Sotheby's next spring.





I never liked Flotsam and Jetsam. Did anyone? This picture dates back to 1993, when they were still being billed as "the band that Jason Newsted used to be in." They toured with Death that summer, along with Epidemic. I'm not sure how, but I got backstage at that show. I remember seeing Gene Hoglan trip as he went up the stairs backstage. He had a cane, and could barely move at all. I was told by two people, right after he tripped, that he had fallen off the drum riser two nights earlier in Detroit. The cause? Both people said Gene took massive amounts of speed, and would often loose basic coordination as a result. Who the hell knows if that's true. The other thing I remember about that night was how amazing Death were. They were touring for Human, and the audience was insanely happy to see them. Flotsam and Jetsam must have seen the writing on the wall. Thrash was over, and the best they were able to do was to try to look "grunge". They were so confused, and I felt so bad for them. Their music was slow, boring and went nowhere. Many would describe Death in the same manner...but that's besides the point.

I found this picture backstage, sitting on a small desk in a hallway. I looked at it, and noticed one of the guys from Flotsam and Jetsam looking at me. I felt bad passing up the picture as he was looking at me, so I picked it up and put it in my pocket. After the show, there was a huge fight between like twenty skinheads in the parking lot. Why were there so many skinhads at metal shows in the early 90s? These were not just metal dudes with shaved heads and boots, but full-on skinheads with stupid Vespa patches on their jackets. Weird.





Last but not least, I present you with this: my brother's book cover for his Chem 1 textbook, circa 1992. Although I was pretty good at bustin' out some metal art...my brother was the king. His lettering was always much better, and his pentagrams always looked way sweeter. I know you can't see this in the scan I'm posting, but "Lombardo" has a whited-out mistake. When I looked at it closely, it appears as though it was originally spelled "Lombrado", and later fixed. I had a few book covers just like this one, which my brother was nice enough to make for me. I loved them, but in retrospect realize that these things worked like girl kryptonite. Oh well. It was all worth it. Wasn't it?

Free International Travel, Courtesy of Metal Inquisition (Part 2)

In Part 1 of this post, we mentioned how transatlantic travel is unnecessary when you can simply look at a country's record covers to fully understand their culture. This may sound small-minded, but I find it to be both true and economical. I should also tell you that this applies to travel within your very own country. For example, some may say that the covers of NWA's albums were exaggerated depictions of a reality that only a few LA residents ever experienced. I would normally agree with you, but allow me to tell you a little story.



The first time I was ever in Los Angeles, I landed at LAX exhausted. I don't mean just tired, I mean exhausted the way Lars Ulrich looks in those slow-motion shots from the Wherever I May Roam video. Upon arriving to Los Angeles, I boarded the nearest Avis car rental shuttle and made my way into their makeshift office. Once there, I quickly claimed the keys to my meh-worthy mid-sized sedan...which featured both AM and FM radio. As I drove out of the parking lot, I looked around and felt happy about the fact that I was finally going to see Los Angeles. I had been to San Francisco twice before, but never southern California. For a latino such as myself, who grew up drooling over the imagery in films such as American Me and Blood In Blood Out, Los Angeles (silly as it may sound) was/is a bit of a cultural mecca. I had lived in Miami, but Los Angeles is the real deal...a center of all that is latino scum culture. As I drove, the sun was setting, and even the not-so-great area around LAX looked beautiful to my tourist eyes. The birds were chirping, and the smog was barely visible...things were good. Los Angeles, I told myself, was my kind of town. Just as I thought about this, I made a right turn and encountered what looked like a photoshoot for an NWA record cover. Two cop cars sat by an abandoned body shop, as the LAPD law officers put handcuffs on about ten latino dudes, who sat on the curb. All the guys were wearing white wife-beater shirts, cut-off khaki shorts and had their long white socks pulled up. Either these were Travis Barker's fashion advisors, or they were the real deal.

By the way, check out this picture of Travis Barker (in which he barely looks like a latino gangbanger) with The Game. Note Travis' shirt, does the logo look familiar?



As I got closer, their heavily inked bodies revealed what I thought...these were some badass dudes, not just props from a hip-hop video, or a Travis Barker GQ photoshoot. As I drove slowly, one of the young men being handcuffed turned around and said something to the cop. Without skipping a beat, the cop beat him on the side of the neck with a club. The young man collapsed on the curb, I winced...and quickly accelerated my Chevy Malibu. Leave it to me to turn away when a fellow latino is being beaten by the po-po. For all the talk about unity amongst my latino brothers that I've done during my lifetime, my foot hit that damn gas pedal faster than members from Assuck go to whores upon their arrival to Amsterdam while on tour. But what was I to do? Why were these guys being arrested? What did he say to the cop? I'd rather not get involved. As I drove away, and got on the highway (they call them "freeways" in California...see...when you travel EVERYTHING is different) I began to think about the whole ordeal I had just seen. As I drove at speeds seldom exceeding 25 mph on the freeway, I thought to myself: The NWA record covers were actually pretty accurate. They did deptict LA as it really was. I could have saved myself the trip to California, and simply looked at the covers of the records while sitting at home.

It's with that spirit in mind that we offer you the following record covers from Russian bands. Why go through the trouble of booking a flight to Moscow? No need. Metal Inquisition is taking you there free of charge. Have a safe trip.





Before the iron curtain fell, doing business with western artists like Dan Seagrave was pretty much impossible for those in the growing Russian death metal scene. Not able to reach and commission the master of depicting fictitious, lava strewn caves...these industrious Russian bands had to make do with what they had. Much like cab drivers in Cuba have retrofitted their 1952 Chevys to run on kerosene, this band simply contacted their cousin in Poland who had just finished his first semester in art school. The letter in which they told him what to paint said the following:

Cousin, please paint for us the following:
A dark scary cave in which five creatures dwell. A purple lizard woman, a purple devil with a taste for gold Rolex watches, a melty lava man, a bat, and a skull/tarantula. Although this makes little sense, please render it as we have requested. Oh yes, and somehow inside the cave a weather system has developed, and as a result there is lighting. Thank you for painting this magical cover for us. By the way cousin, how are you and the family doing? Will the 20 year wait on your Lada be over soon?

One part Suicidal Tendencies, and one part Devo, these Russian masters were the first hardcore band to proclaim their love for skateboarding, which they called "wooden roller plank". This 12" record is actually a split between the first two bands in the Moscow hardcore scene, Pulse and Stylus (or something). Although many detractors referred to these musical pioneers as "infidels" for taking up such American pursuits as "wooden roller plank", Russia's entire hardcore scene should thank these guys for forging on regardless of what their comrades had to say.






I hate to be one of those "I only like their demo" douchebags...but this is where both Pulse and Stylus began to go downhill. Due to a limited supply of skateboard wheels, band members began making their own out of sawed-down broomsticks. Soon, they grew tired of the hardship they endured and took to other sports. Not able to engage in any sports that members of bands like Suicidal Tendencies or Cryptic Slaughter may have been involved in, they turned to the only sport that was available at their local Communist Party youth hall. Sadly, that sport was racketball. In an attempt to make the sport more "extreme", both bands chose to blend aspects of brakedancing into it...the results were both amazing and tragic. Although both bands managed to get Charlie Sheen to pose for the album's cover, the scene they had created began to disintegrate...as many fans grew tired of hearing lyrics about racketball. The model that has worked so well for their obsession with skateboarding, failed terribly with other sports. Perhaps the best example of that would have to be their third and final recording, which completely revolved around jai alai, a sport they saw in an episode of Riptide.

Free International Travel, Courtesy of Metal Inquisition (Part 1)

Foreign travel can be a satisfying experience. This year alone I've been lucky enough to spend time in five different countries, and have thus enjoyed varied cultures, types of public transportation and (perhaps more importantly) experienced five varying degrees of cleanliness among the populations of these countries. As great as this all sounds, I've also found myself cursing about the horrible state of bathrooms in five different countries, and I've also been let down by how terrible one thing or another is in specific places around the world. Andorra's bathrooms are okay, but have you tried to get a decent sandwich there? Why is it so hard to get a burrito in South America? It's for these reasons that today we are offering a free, transatlantic trip to all of our readers. Why pay for expensive airfare when you can enjoy other cultures from the comfort of your own home?

Today we are going to Russia (virtually, that is), and will learn about its culture and customs the only way we know how...by looking at some of its record covers. These were sent to us by one of our readers, who I will assume looks like Borat. I know what you're thinking, Borat is a fictitious character played by a Jewish guy from England, and it incorrectly portrays a Kazakh person, not a Russian, and the movie was partially shot in Romania. Oh well, Kazakhztan used to be a part of the Soviet Union...so for most of us, that's close enough.


For most western metal fans, their knowledge about Russia is limited to the following:

- The Scorpions had that song "Winds of Change" about the Berlin wall, which references "Gorky Park". I should tell you that Mr Gene Hoglan's Balls and I have sung (or is that "sang"?) this song in kareokee multiple times, and we always forget how hard it is to follow along. Like a lost puppy finding its way back home, however, we always manage to nail the "Gorky Park" line.

- There was a band called Gorky Park, and some of us saw a picture of them in Metal Hammer back in the 80s, but we can't remember what they looked like, much less what they sounded like.

- James Heatfield went to Russia to hunt, and talks about it in the Some Kind Of Monster movie, where he describes drinking vodka with the locals during this trip. Like most of you, I was hoping a mountain lion of some kind would have ripped the remaining part of his face that the acne didn't damage during this teenage years. Either that, or perhaps a bear could have eaten him whole. Sadly, the only thing that happened during the trip was that he became a full blown alcoholic, and subsequently made the band suck worse.

- Metallica and Pantera played that huge show there a long time ago, and the footage features soldiers that are either getting into the music, or beating people who are getting into the music...but can you blame them? If you had a stick, and the ability to beat Pantera fans in their face and neck area, wouldn't you? I know I would.

That's about all most westerners know. So although I'm sure that entire region of the world is now filled with black metal bands (what country isn't?), horrible R&B and Wu-Tang-like hip hop..we have chosen instead to take a step back and look at album covers from the heydey of Russian musical production. Since we do not have access to the actual records, or background information about the artists, but we want to review them anyway, I will make some educated guesses about their musical content and share them with you.





Having left the band he started and helped him rise to popularity, Kris Kelmi (real name Saul Rabinowitz) opted for a more pop-based approach to his first solo album. Titled "open your sesame", this amazing musical effort takes its name from a sexual slur that is commonly used around asian prostitutes in Moscow's red light district. Having sworn to never use keyboards on his records, Kris widened his musical spectrum in this release, much like an asian prostitute opening her "sesame". Critics have often said that the albums tone and musical direction was highly influenced the Page & Coverdale album, but they are wrong. Only his hair and silver sport coat were influenced by Coverdale...the music is so horrible, that it has no predesessors.





As one of the leading bands in the prog scene in Russia, these guys were true pioneers. Not content with simple musical structures, Aria (or Apur, or whatever that logo says) opted for complex time signatures derived from traditional Russian music. Like most other prog bands, Aria produced only concept albums. This album in particular deals with an giant robot overloard known as "Kzchecheuz", who rules the land and shoots down helicopters that are transporting illegal jeans from America. Kzchecheuz, the robot overloard, seeks to control all denim production, and will stop at nothing to control the making and distribution of low-grade and premium denim throughout the world. Highlights of the album include:

- All Denim Is My Denim
- Wait In Line For Jeans, This Will Be The Way

Shortly after the collapse of the Soviet Union, Aria changed musical and lyrical directions. Four out of the six band members are now in a Boyz II Men tribute band.







With influences ranging from Slayer to Manowar, Abivct (or whatever that says) were a groundbreaking act in the Ukranian metal scene. Before the Soviet collapse, the band members recided and worked in the greater Chernovyl area, and as a result all of them emit a soft reddish glow that is only captured in photographic film. As a result of their exposure to severe amounts of radiation, the band's singer also sprouted a sword made of light which he uses as a stage prop. While this makes for great theatrics, sleeping with it permanently attached to his palms has turned out to be a bit of a pain. Similarly, his clothes and drapes have been torn to shreds. See the bottom of his shirt/smock? It's not cut up for fashion's sake, that fucking sword will cut any fabric like a hot knife through butter. When this guy says "wimps and posers leave the hall!" you better leave, or else he will kill you with his radioactice supersword!






South Florida's Nocturnus were a pioneering act in the world of death metal, primeraly due to their use of keyboards. Althoug you'd think that merely using an already existing instrument in poorly written music, and burrying it in the mix would be rather par for the course, the guys from Nocturnus congratulated themselves for this stroke of genius for the better part of a decade. Why do I mention this? Because the effects of Nocturnus and their innovative use of a horrid instrument are still being felt behind the no-longer existing iron curtain. Inspired by the Florida death unit known as Nocturnus, this Russian dude (whose name I can't decipher) has chosen to use the very latest technology available in Russia (which is basically an Apple IIe) and blended it with lyrics inspired by the pages of Keyboard Magazine. And why does he do all this? Is it for the sake of musical exploration? Well, yes...but it's also to seduce Saturday Night Live alumni Victoria Jackson, who has apparently ended up living in Russia and working in his makeshift recording studio.






More to come in Part 2.

Random thoughts

A still from the first Metal Inquisition video podcast, soon to be released. In the premiere episode of what promises to be a long-running series, I will discuss how difficult it is to open albums due to that cellophane that they wrap them with. That's the kind of hilarious and insightful commentary you can expect from our podcast series.

Most of my posts for this blog come to me quickly, and always fully formed... and ready to be shared with the world. This, I believe, is a clear sign of my comedic genius as well as my above average intelligence. From time to time, however, lesser thoughts come to mind, and I generally disregard them. Today, however, I present all you (our beloved readers) with some of the very thoughts that fill my brain nearly every hour of the day. These are leftovers, but good ones. Much like you can make sloppy joe's out of old hamburgers, I have made a post out of discarded thoughts. In a sense, I am welcoming you to my inner thoughts, and what goes on inside my mind. It ain't much, but it's all I've got. Welcome to my hell. Welcome to the hell.

I should note that this format (small bits rather than lengthy posts about one subject) have inspired the Metal Inquisition video podcasts, which will be released soon via iTunes, and will be compiled as a DVD series to be released internationally by Steamhammer records. The videos will feature me at my desk (see picture above) sharing my observational remarks about the world of metal and the culture that surrounds it. Stay tuned as we continue to update you on the podcasts, but in the meantime enjoy this post/piece.


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Google loves us. How do I know? If you search for any of the following things on Google:

Blue Grape Merchandise

Metal Inquisition

Wigger slam

Tommy Victor disease

Robb Flynn's disease

The first result listed is none other than Metal Inquisition. This may seem like a small feat to many of you, but here at MI we take our success seriously. As such, commemorative plates will be given out this August during our annual company picnic. Note that "metal inquisition" is one of the terms that we have the top listing for. While this may seem obvious, I can just hear the blood pressure of members from the band Piledriver skyrocketting as I type this. Why? Can you imagine naming a song and album "Metal Inquisition", then having it become more popular by a bunch of dudes who don't even really like your music?

Oh, I should mention, that I'm a bit disappointed that we are not the top result when you search for:

David Vincent muffin top

We are the second listing, but that's just not good enough. The struggle continues.







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The turning signal in my car makes a clicking sound that is exactly the same tempo as Prong's "Lost And Found". When you play drums, like I do, you encounter this sort of thing all the time. My last car's turning signal was exactly half the tempo of Laaz Rockit's "Fire In The Hole"

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A question for all of you who live in Europe, do you sometimes hear the whole world laughing at you? If you do, here's why:





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Have I ever mentioned how disappointed I am by the lack of free stuff I get as a result of writing on this blog? I know you will all hate me for saying this, as I'm supposed to write on the blog just because I love it..and I do...but damn it, free stuff would really sweaten the deal. I have not gotten one single thing for free as a result of my bringing happiness to people around the world. In comparison, most other blogs I read (about very different topics) have fewer readers and yet they get free stuff all the time. Lots of it, and they simply review it or whatever, and that's all . I hereby ask our readers to put uncle Lucho on their wills. Leave me your vinyl collection (so I can sell it on eBay), or simply send me your well-cared for long sleeve metal shirts (all size small thank you). Look, if you have free tickets to major sporting events or major label concerts give them to me. Kelly Clarkson? Sure, I'll go see her. Like a good latino, I'll never turn down anything that is free. Send me buckets of house paint, carpet scraps, cycling stuff, HVAC repair manuals, and/or harmonica instructional videos....anything. I swear, I wont tell anyone...so there would be no risk of us selling out. See how that works? If no one knows, it didn't happen. So if you get me tickets to some horrible show, or the Superbowl...no one has to know. Shhhhh.

I'm kinda' kidding. Wait, no I'm not. See, the problem is that the only thing people would probably send us would be horrible metal CDs to review...which are useless, and would simply pile up around my house. I see now that the problem is that we write about metal, something I like but don't necesseraly want more of. Why did we have to start a blog about metal, which is something that you can't get any cool free stuff for? How stupid were we? We should have started a blog called "Ferrari's, stacks of money and supermodels". I mean, metal is cool and all...but the best some horrible label could do is send us horrible CDs from their horrible bands, which all suck. Why can't someone send me the original master tapes to the Terrorizer album, or the headphones that Scott Burns wore on the back of the Terrorizer album.

* I should note that after this entry was originally written one of our great supporters/readers has been kind enough to send us some free t-shirts and sweet merch. Many thanks to this kind soul for hooking it up.

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Does anyone remember the records that were widely available in the early 90s that featured interviews with metal bands, instead of music? I used to get so damn excited to see that some rare Slayer EP had made its way to my local record store...only to realize when I was about to buy it that it was just a stupid interview with Tom Araya from a radio show in France. What an odd relic from another time these records are. I now wish I had some of them. Here's an Anthrax one.



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While watching Iron Maiden's "Flight 666" documentary on TV, I realized that Nicko McBrain's nose is actually even more fucked up than I originally thought. I mean, he has no nose at all. Does anyone have any information regarding what on earth happen to his face? Did Clive Burr chew it off in as an act of vengance? Was Nicko the model that Derrick Riggs used when first painting Eddie? The only information I found out was not helpful at all, and came from an interview that Metal Sludge did with Nicko. Here it is:

You have an extremely flat face and nose. Kind of like one of those Pug dogs. Has anyone ever mentioned this to you and does it bother you?

No, it doesn't bother me mate.
But you too can have a Roman nose,

It'll be Roman all over your face.(TEE HEE).

So that reply from Nicko doesn't exactly give us any answers...although it does answer the age-old question: Is Nicko McBrain funny? The answer, as you can see, is "no".

As I've reported before, Nicko is a born again christian. With a face like his, I really don't understand his spiritual beliefs. I mean, much in the same way that many Jewish people who went through the Holocaust ceased to believe in God...if I had Nicko's face...I really wouldn't believe in a higher power. Talk about blind faith.

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About Anthrax's lackluster State Of Euphoria:

- Does EVERYONE'S copy of State of Euphoria feature a supposedly "limited edition" hologram sticker?

- I once showed my dad the artwork on the back of the album, which was done by that one guy from MAD Magazine, in an attempt to show him that the band was legitimate and not satan worshipers. My dad really liked MAD magazine, but failed to see Megaforce records shelling out some dough to have that illustration made as a sign of the band's legitimacy.

- As a kid, the cover of this record drove me insane, partially because it had no obvious direction. It had a logo on every side, so it had no obvious right side up. I guess that was part of the idea...but to this day it gets me angry. Similarly, Slayer's Haunting The Chapel cover angers me to no end due to it's disregard for information hierarchy. How can you have the EP's name over the band name? Come on now. What's next cats mating with dogs? Is the whole world going crazy?

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One of the many unrealized dreams I have in life is the fact that I have never gone ahead and done the very thing I insisted I would do since I was about ten years old. No, I'm not talking about going skydiving, climbing Mt Everest, or spending a week in Cancun (actually, I've done that last one). I'm talking about starting a Kiss tribute band that would ONLY play songs from their best two albums, Music From The Elder and Unmasked.

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My brother and I once got tickets to see a taping of the David Letterman show. Luckily, we ended up sitting on the balcony, right above the band's drummer Anton Fig. In case you don't know, Anton Fig is a studio drummer who played on a few Kiss albums as a result of Peter Criss being too drunk and/or sucking too much to play on those albums. Fig played on my favorite Kiss song, Torpedo Girl. As such, during the entire taping of the show, I would lean over the balcony and yell down at him "Play Torpedo Girl!". After the twentieth time of me yelling this out, he looked up at me...and gave me the look. What is "the look" you ask? The way you look at the town idiot before you stone him to death and defecate on his face. I was very quiet for the rest of the taping, including the interview with Uma Thurman.


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Have you ever wondered what Joey DeMaio's weightlifting routine is? Have you ever wondered just how homoerotic things can get for Manowar while they're on the road? Well, you're in luck...because this video will show you everything you need to know. Please note that they count in german, and that Eric Adams likes to wear denim shirts to go to the beach. This video remeinds me of the time that I saw The Misfits on that first reunion tour. There was a large crowd behind the venue, I thought it was a fight. It wasn't, the band was lifting weights. Oy.

The Metal Inquisition Archives: Pencil renderings of metal bands (Part 1)

This is the first post (I mean "piece") in what will probably be a long series of posts about the contents of the recently found Metal Inquisition Archives. Much like a time capsule that was left behind for decades, the Metal Inquisition Archives feature incredibly telling artifacts from the lifelong commitment to metal that my brother and I have shared. A bit like our ongoing Metal Archeology series, this one will focus on the contents of a single storage bin that was recently unearthed. For many years, most of the contents of the archives were kept secret, partially due to having forgotten about them...but also as a result of my sheer embarrassment of its contents. Some years ago, in an attempt to make Sergeant D laugh, my brother and I shared some key pieces from this collection, and laugh he did. To this day, there are still a few things about the collection that he continues to bring up in order to make himself laugh. We hope you have a similar reaction. So why share this stuff with the world, when we've been hiding it for years? I have no idea. Perhaps I think of our readers as our family. No, that's probably not it at all. I guess I'm just an all-around good guy and want to share the wealth with the world. Either that, or I'm self destructive and hate myself, who knows. Let's get started.

What are these things?
The items I'm sharing with you today are some one of the key pieces of the collection. Both the Smithsonian and the Getty have been after these for sometime, but we turned down offers that totaled dozens of dollars, so that we may share these with you, our readers. You see, these are just some of the amazing drawings that my brother and I created back in 1988 and 1989, although some are as recent as 1991. As you will see, the artistic skills shown in these pieces of art are only rivaled by our lack of understanding of the English language. Sadly, Blogger is not great at showing large images...but don't worry, at the end of this series I'll provide a link so you can download a hi-res PDF of these pieces, which are suitable for framing (Thomas Kinkade, eat your heart out). In the meantime, double click the images, and enjoy them at a much larger size.

Why were these horrible "masterpieces" drawn in the first place?
I don't have a great answer to this question. My brother and I were not exactly loners growing up, but the huge stack of drawings in front of me seems to tell another story. We had friends, enjoyed sports, and took public transportation all over the city where we grew up. We weren't sickly or awkward (at least not too awkward), but I guess we also liked staying at home and drawing away. We were always obsessive as kids, and when metal became a part of our lives, we dove in head first. In South America back then, the chance of ever seeing a live metal band was slim at best. The opportunity of ever seeing a world-class band, or even a fifth-rate thrash band (I'm looking at you Laaz Rockit) was non-existent. Similarly, we had no access to magazines or even metal albums. All of our tapes were tenth generation dubs with no covers, and perhaps as a result of this isolation, our minds were left to wander. Sometimes, we would see a tiny bit of a band's video at a friend's house, and our minds were blown to the point of having to draw the image that had been burned into our minds. Looking at many of these drawings, I'm taken back to that time, and can easily place why certain things are in these drawings, such was the impact that imagery within the realm of metal had on me. It's for this reason that I often feel that those of us who grew up in seemingly distant and secluded nations had a greater bond to metal and other subcultures. This is not something I'm particularly interested in debating, as I'm certain I could be proved wrong, but when I think back to just how insanely obsessive we were about metal, I'm often left to think that it was more about our surroundings than our personalities. Like a religious fanatic who praises the unknown, metal seemed like a distant heavenly thing, and we worhsiped at the altar of metal.

How/when were these masterpieces drawn?
The majority of these pieces were done by me (each one signed and dated on the back), with a few being done by my brother as well. A few were done as collaborations since my brother was way better at drawing hair (especially mid-headbang), and I was better at drawing drumsets. You see, I badly wanted a set of drums, and my brother wanted a bass guitar. Although we lived in an extremely populous city, there was only one instrument shop in the whole city. We had never been there, as it was well over an hour away...so we also fetishized musical instruments as much as we did bands and metal in general. I'm not exaggerating when I tell you that the first time I ever saw a set of drums in person, I nearly fainted. I was so excited that I simply couldn't contain myself. Again, this speaks to the level of isolation that we lived in. Still, it was a great childhood, and many of those positive memories took place at my desk, drawing these amazing pieces of art. My bedroom was next door to the family room, in which my father's Sony stereo system sat. Since I didn't have a stereo in my room, my brother and I took one of the oversized speakers (one of those huge ones with the fake wood veneer), and put it in my room so we could listen to music. In order to play a tape, we would have to go into the other room, start up the tape, and then go back into my room to listen to the right channel only, since we only had the one speaker in the room. To this day, there are certain Slayer and Venom songs that sound weird to me as a result of now being able to hear both channels. From time to time, we would play radio DJ for one another, plugging a set of headphones in the other room and using them as a mic. "And up next is a killer track from Slayer", we would say into the set of headphones, trying to entertain one another as we drew for hours. My brother was particularly good at it, taking care to mix music behind his talking, a skill that would come in handy years later when he hosted his own metal radio show for about four years. Keep in mind that I was 10-11 at the time. I'm not saying my age makes it any less embarrassing, but I'm hoping it puts things into context for you.

It was through that old, piece of doo-doo Sony stereo that we would make dubs from our friend's tapes. The stereo, I should tell you, did not have two cassette decks, oh no. The way we copied tapes was by playing the cassette on my dad's stereo, and placing a small boombox by the speaker, which recorded the sound from the stereo. We surrounded the speaker and the boombox with pillows, and made sure not to talk or make any noise during the full duration of the dubbing session. Now that you have a clearer picture of when a 10-11 year old version of me worked on these drawings, you can enjoy them that much more.


The masterpieces



Let's just get this one out of the way right now. I know it's Mr Sergeant D's favorite, so this one's for him. Why on earth I shared this drawing with him many years ago, I'll never know...and why I'm posting these for all of you to laugh at me is also beyond me. First things first: yes, his shirt and the sticker on the guitar say:

Welcome to the hell

Did I warn you about my lack of English skills back then? I was 10 for god's sake, and all the English I knew was from Slayer songs and Eddie Murphy movies. This piece is unusual, in that it only depicts one member of a band, in this case the band is E.S.S., a made up crossover type band. When I say "crossover", I don't mean like DRI circa "Dealing With It". That would be way too cool. I mean, more like how Anthrax thought they were crossover by virtue of merely using the NYHC symbol on their guitars, and by having posed twice with a Variflex skateboard for a picture in RIP magazine. The band's name being three letters was a cue I took from bands that seemed to play har(d)core or punk, although I had never heard most of them. DRI, GBH, SOD, MOD...they all seemed the same to me. Again, I can't explain enough how detached I was from music and reality at large. Why his fretboard says "harcore", I'll never know. First of all (as a reader pointed out) it's missing a "d". But see.... I guess, he loved har(d)core music and wanted to let his fans know. Hey, no one gave James Hetfield any guff when he put that man/wolf design on his fretboard...so go take it up with him. The same is true for the backwards baseball hat, which I (for some odd reason) thought was a sign of being "har(d)core", and crossover. No one where I lived wore hats, it was a very American thing, and it seemed so odd to me. Note the GBH patch on his leg, which I erased for some reason. Lastly, I should point out that the guitar depicted is clearly a Jackson Dinky with a reverse headstock. I'm proud to say that after all these years, I'm a proud owner of that guitar, which I bought from one Sergeant D...active EMG pick-up and tremolo included.

Please note:

- The unbelievable detail on his fingers. The poor guy's left hand looks like a packet of hot dogs.

- E.S.S. stood for Eat Shit Stupid. I have no idea where I came up with that. If only I had access to the Nocturnus time machine, I'd use it to go and ask the 10 year old version of me what I was thinking.

- Highly realistic pose, at least as far as the legs are concerned.

- The guitar strap realistically shows the slack created by the dude having picked up the guitar to do his sweet solo. Come on, give me some credit here!!!





Another made up band, this time it's Satan Sons, not Satan's Sons...just Satan Sons. Apparently possessive nouns were a difficult thing for me to learn in the English language. As I think about it now, it sounds like a plumbing business. Toilet clogged? Are your drains slow? Call Satan Sons, they'll fix you right up.

Considering when this was drawn, I would have to say that the influences for this piece were primarily the Ultimate Revenge video, and seeing the back of the Venom Black Metal album cover. What is the bass player on the right doing? Honestly, and I'm not even kidding, he's doing some sort of salute or prayer to the devil. Seriously. I remember thinking about this, and you will see it appear in other drawings. I guess that's what being raised in a catholic country will do to you. Can you imagine walking into your 10 or 11 year old's room, only to find him drawing this?

Please note:

- The bass player is using a chain as a guitar strap

- The lines coming up from the top of the page are my highly realistic depiction of the amazing light show that Satan Sons no doubt had.

- Guitar player on the left has an SOD patch on his trenchcoat (kinda' funny since the name of the band shows I didn't know how to speak English at all)

- Slayer t shirt

- sweet band logo, which predated Deicide's trifixion







Let's just talk about the obvious thing first. Yes, the band's name is Anti Posers...and yes...the slogan behind them says "slay a poser, & get a free yo-yo". Even typing it out, I get the shakes, and begin to laugh. I have no rational way of explaining this at all...except that I must have hated posers back then, and felt the need to convey it through a made up band that I drew. As far as how the band ran this promotion, or if it was their label or management that gave out the yo-yo's I don't know. You have to give it up to these guys, for feeling so strongly about a single message and really running with it. The was no mistaking their stance on posers...they were like Bikini Kill, Nocturnus, Voivod, Earth Crisis or Nile when it came to their singular lyrical focus.

Please note:

- The dude on the left has an "I hate posers" shirt, while the guy on the right has a shirt that repeats the yo-yo giveaway promotion they were currently advertising on that tour. These guys HATED posers. For real!

- I clearly got sick of drawing, and chose to cover the faces of two dudes with hair...thus minimizing my workload. I was smart, even as a little kid.




Another piece featuring a band you are now well-acquainted with, E.S.S. This one features the usual rubbery legs (see guitar player on the right), oddly shaped people (singer and bass player) and that all important "ahh fuck it" moment. What do I mean? it's the moment when I clearly decided I had been drawing long enough, and just wanted to be done. In this case, you can see how little effort was put into the drummer. His arms make no sense, the drumset sucks even more than everything else...I had clearly had enough and wanted to be done. If you're wondering where else in the world of metal this "ahh fuck it" spirit can be captured, look no further than the cover of Death Angel's Act III album. As Sergeant D has rightfully pointed out in the past, the artist wasted like six weeks getting the drapes to look realistic as hell...and when it came time to paint the people in the seats he just said "ahh fuck it", and drew repetitive stone statues. Speaking of Death Angel, when did they go from looking super sweet, like this:

(Note the short-shorts, and the all-white outfit.) To looking like this:

Which basically amounts to the dudes that change my oil with a nasty case of Tommy Victor's Disease. Which reminds me...a lot of white people make fun of Cross Colors clothing, which many-a-minority rocked in the early 90s. Well, its payback time. Let white people (and some Filipinos apparently) get laughed at for wearing Affliction. Okay, back to the drawing.


Please note:
- "Not Man" t-shirt, an homage to Anthrax, whom I loved at the time.

- E.S.S. flag being waved around by the badly drawn, chubby singer. This is definitely influenced by the Anthrax home video, where Scott waved that huge "NOT" sign.

- Check out the guitar player on the right, he's doing a killer solo as he slides on the floor. Weee!

- lots of guitar picks taped on the mic stands, which means they were probably throwing out tons of them to their adoring fans.

- bass player is wearing bermuda shorts, another Anthrax nod

- The guitar player on the left, is the same guy that was depicted on the first drawing. See his fretboard? It also says "Hard(c)ore". In this drawing I found yet another way to spell the same word incorrectly. I deserve some kind of award. Apparently he plays for a hugely popular band, but still prefers the warm, bluesy sound he gets out of his small 2-12 Fender amp.

- The bass drum on your left says "don't you fuckin' look at me", an obvious Antrhax reference.

- The monitor on the left has a number on it, 83. I remember seeing rented equipment being numbered like this when watching large concerts on TV, probably by someone like Jose Feliciano.


Hope you liked these, and hope I didn't oversell them. There are many more to come, as well as other weird crap from our archives. Another post about amazing art coming up this Friday.

Metal Archeology: Artifacts from a lifetime devoted to metal (Part 4)

Archeologists from UNC Chapel Hill uncover my oversized copy of Convicted. Thanks, dudes! I've been looking for that!

Yeah, I know it was my brother Lucho who started the Archeology posts (part1, part2, part3), but to be fair, most of the digs were done in OUR mom's basement, so in a way, they are my posts, too. Anyway, last time I was there I dug through old Metal Hammer magazines and Blue Grape backpatches to find a small box of tapes. Let me share some of my finds...



Ordered off some local rag in the late 80's in Toledo, Ohio, this was the very first demo tape we ever owned. Undertaker were a terrible thrashy band with horrible production, a terrible cover and a song called "Sesame Street Mosh". What a treasure!



I've talked about Impetigo a lot on past posts. They are still one of my top 10 favorite bands of all times. I was SO amped when I got this in the mail from Mark! He told me he took the tape to practice specially to get it signed for me. I'm not sure if that was true or not, but I was the KING of the metal scene that day and this tape was my crown. A really lame, lame crown.



This find goes back to the 80's. I hope you find this as funny as I do. Back in the day, in South America, it was hard to get original tapes, so dubbed tapes were the norm. This guy in my class, Eduardo, went to Miami for the summer and brought back a bunch of metal tapes. Of course, I dubbed them all, walked to a near by pharmacy and photocopied all the covers. One of the tapes he brought back the summer of 1988 was Maiden's "Seventh Son." Not sure why I felt the need to use color pencils and a black ball-point in a sad attempt at make the cover look "real", but I'm glad I did. I was 13, what an idiot!



There's plenty more junk where these came from, so stay tuned and watch out for the next "Metal Archeology: Artifacts from a lifetime devoted to metal" post!

Great moments in art history: Black Metal paintings

Here we see curators hanging one of these priceless pieces of art at the Louvre.

As much as my writings for this blog have been hailed by critics as being both groundbreaking AND insightful, I know that all the praise could easily dissipate as a result of one bad post. My internet fame could collapse like a house of cards that gets knocked over by the seismic activity created by Shane Embury walking nearby. Why bring this up? Because I'm sometimes afraid of posting something that the entire M.I. readership has already seen elsewhere. This, by the way, is very possible, since I'm rather disconnected from most metal activities online. This is a particular concern of mine when it comes to anything relating to black metal. Look, I know and understand that black metal and making fun of it is old news. You see, whereas in other households the phrase "like taking candy from a baby" is often used, in my house we say "like making fun of black metal."

Having said this, I simply felt I had to share this amazing artwork with all of you, even if some have already seen it. Under each painting I will give my critique.



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A challenging piece for the viewer to take in, to say the least. The terracotta tones (perhaps an homage to postmodernist architect Michael Graves?) ground the figures, while their scale clue us into the artists take on the subject matter. Not since Andy Warhol's erotic films have homosexual characters been depicted in such a manner.

Not content to merely use traditional symmetry as a way of creating balance, the artist has opted for the asymmetry common in modern art, as well as modern architecture. The quality of the facial features shows us that we are looking at true outsider art, perhaps the work of a retarded person, a monkey, or a homeless man...or Danny Spitz and his googly eye. Reminiscent of Mies Van Der Rohe's early floorplans, the characters slide past each other, much like walls did in his Barcelona Pavillion. Somewhere between abstraction and respresentational painting, this piece not only challenges, but also shatters pre-existing notions about art and artistic depiction. Had this guy been around when Demolition Hammer was putting out their first album, he totally would have gotten the comission.


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Much like Franz Kline's seemingly brute black and white canvasses, this piece speaks not only to our humanity, but also to our brutality. The duality of the black and white brushstrokes seem to hint at the hidden characteristics of the music it speaks of, while connecting with the viewer at a visceral level. The laughable proportions, lack of chin and asymmetric visage may seem erroneous, but are in reality a statement about man's inhumanity to man....or perhaps the artist needs glasses. One is also left to wonder "why are his nostrils so damn small?" The artists is taking a gutsy approach (to say the least) in specializing in portraiture, when he clearly has severe problems sizing up even the simplest of human features, but is that not the same for most black metal bands? They can't play their instruments, and yet they go on playing. Go figure.

This piece also has a slight connection to Demolition Hammer. How you ask? Does the angle of the face look familiar? Just look at the image below, which clearly served as inspiration.







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Exaggerated proportions and interesting brush technique speak to varying visual references, primarily the later work of Andrew Wyeth, as well as more banal visuals...such as the runny quality of a drunken hobo's diarrhea. The wispy quality of the brushstrokes is clearly influenced by Wyeth's work, and his depiction of prairie grass in his haunting masterpiece "Christina's World." Perhaps serving as a statment about the childlike nature of black metal's musical complexity, this portrait features the nose of a baby, thus layering meaning within the painting.






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Drawing upon visual cues from different areas of design and artistic expression, this piece is perhaps the artist's strongest statement. Not content merely making visual references to the work of assorted modern masters, the artist goes one step beyond and references the unlikely world of automotive design. Clearly influenced by the work of designer Chris Bangle (the rear of the BMW 5 series in particular) the subject's features seem to converge onto a single point...as though he has just eaten a very sour lemon. The extremely short length of the subject's chain is also worth mentioning, as it looks more like a choker from the Delia's catalog circa 1996.

Although much of Chris Bangle's work for BMW has been criticized, his impact on automotive design is undeniable...much like Possessed's album Seven Churches.

Another possible use of allegory by the artist is the repetition of the upside down cross. What is he trying to tell us? Perhaps it's a simple reference to the recurring pitchfork shape that is clearly seen in Grant Wood's "American Gothic."

Note the pitchfork shape, which is repeated both in the overall's pocket, as well as upside down in the top window of the house.