Metal Inquisition Archives: Oh the memories

Last night, as I went down into the basement to do laundry (my butler is on vacation), I saw the Metal Inquisition archives sitting on the shelf ,where they have been for some months now. As you may all know by now, the Smithsonian has gone back on their word regarding admitting our files into their permanent collection. It's for that reason that the archives have been sitting there, collecting dust, waiting for one of the M.I. interns to catalog and sift through the endless amount of material that my brother and I collected over the years. Since that has yet to happen (Sergeant D has all of our interns busy washing his new car), I thought I should take matter into my own hands. As I began to wash my whites (aside from properly naming my mp3 files, I'm also diligent about separating my colored clothing from my whites during the wash cycle), I thought I would skim through the archives and see what I could uncover to share with you. I opened the lid, and this is what I found. Hope you enjoy it.



Right now you're probably thinking to yourself "What? A flower? Is Lucho one of them gays?" Well, let me explain. First of all, let me tell you that saying "them gays" makes you sound retarded. Second of all, if you were at all into true metal, you'd recognize the signature at the bottom. That's right bitches, this flower was drawn by none other that Obituary's Trevor Peres. Some of you may question my metal credentials...but let me ask you this: How many Trevor Peres original pieces of art hang on your walls? Zero? I thought so.

This fine piece of metal ephemera dates back to 1992. My brother and I had just moved from Miami to the god damned midwest. Within a week of moving, we saw that Obituary would be playing, and also doing an in-store appearance in a suburban strip mall. We boarded my mom's Subaru, and off we went to meet our metal heroes. I remember that that Obituary arrived in a slightly dated, slightly beat up white limo. You know what's more embarrassing than arriving in a sub-par limo? Well, how about arriving in a sub-par limo when there are only like eight people there to see you. That's exactly what happened. Since there were so few people there, we all got a fair amount of time to talk to the band...which I'm sure they just loved. What else would any band like more than sitting there talking to a teenage version of me. Doesn't that sound like fun? Because I had so much time with them, I got them to sign every single Obituary thing I owned. Due to the extreme boredom that the band members were enduring, Trevor mostly sat there drawing flowers. This struck me as funny, since he looked exactly like the Cryptkeeper's ugly brother. I asked if I could have one of the flowers, he looked at me kinda' funny..and gave it to me. I asked him to sign it, and he again looked at me funny. Was it worth it? Hell yes!





My brother and I used to sit at our desks for hours upon hours making beautiful artwork roughly based on the covers of our favorite records. This one was done by my brother, at a time when he was rightfully obsessed with Sacred Reich. I mean, aside from their awful name (seriously, "Reich"?) the band ruled his/our world. I love how the band's logo is dripping blood, the skull character is all creepy looking and yet "the american way" is rendered in such a happy, swoopy typeface. In case you're wondering, this piece dates back to 1992 also. Pencil on notebook paper. It will be available at the Metal Inquisition auction through Sotheby's next spring.





I never liked Flotsam and Jetsam. Did anyone? This picture dates back to 1993, when they were still being billed as "the band that Jason Newsted used to be in." They toured with Death that summer, along with Epidemic. I'm not sure how, but I got backstage at that show. I remember seeing Gene Hoglan trip as he went up the stairs backstage. He had a cane, and could barely move at all. I was told by two people, right after he tripped, that he had fallen off the drum riser two nights earlier in Detroit. The cause? Both people said Gene took massive amounts of speed, and would often loose basic coordination as a result. Who the hell knows if that's true. The other thing I remember about that night was how amazing Death were. They were touring for Human, and the audience was insanely happy to see them. Flotsam and Jetsam must have seen the writing on the wall. Thrash was over, and the best they were able to do was to try to look "grunge". They were so confused, and I felt so bad for them. Their music was slow, boring and went nowhere. Many would describe Death in the same manner...but that's besides the point.

I found this picture backstage, sitting on a small desk in a hallway. I looked at it, and noticed one of the guys from Flotsam and Jetsam looking at me. I felt bad passing up the picture as he was looking at me, so I picked it up and put it in my pocket. After the show, there was a huge fight between like twenty skinheads in the parking lot. Why were there so many skinhads at metal shows in the early 90s? These were not just metal dudes with shaved heads and boots, but full-on skinheads with stupid Vespa patches on their jackets. Weird.





Last but not least, I present you with this: my brother's book cover for his Chem 1 textbook, circa 1992. Although I was pretty good at bustin' out some metal art...my brother was the king. His lettering was always much better, and his pentagrams always looked way sweeter. I know you can't see this in the scan I'm posting, but "Lombardo" has a whited-out mistake. When I looked at it closely, it appears as though it was originally spelled "Lombrado", and later fixed. I had a few book covers just like this one, which my brother was nice enough to make for me. I loved them, but in retrospect realize that these things worked like girl kryptonite. Oh well. It was all worth it. Wasn't it?

Metal Inquisition Archives: pencil renderings of metal bands (Part 2)

Here we see Angela Morales, of Emerson Middle School in Bakersfield California. Angela is one of the first students in Metal Inquisition's "Metal And Art For All" program, which teaches kids art through the works of established masters. In this picture, we see her copying my drawing of Slayer. Great job Angela! Keep it up!

This is part 2 of the "pencil renderings of metal bands" series. If you want more background about how/when/why a 10-11 year old version of me (and my brother) drew these monstrosities, read this first. For those of you that already know the background behind these masterpieces, enjoy.





After moving to the United States, I had a very tough time adjusting. I didn't know the language, got hassled endlessly in school because of my mullet, my sweatpants, my gold chains and my Brut cologne. In retrospect, I guess an 11 year old with gold chains and Brut cologne is pretty funny, but how was I supposed to know?

I remember sitting in the front seat of the bus the second week of school in the United States. Back home, I had been a pretty cool dude (perhaps as a result of my gold chains and cologne) but here in the States I was starting way down in the pecking order, and I knew that. School had become a hugely stressful affair, and I was merely trying to make it through each day without making a complete ass out of myself...which was hard since I didn't speak the language and clearly looked like a damn foreigner. That day on the bus, I sat in the first seat quietly, and put on my heaphones. I began to play Master Of Puppets, and sat there looking at the back of the fat bus driver's neck, which looked like a packet of hot dogs with all it's undulating rolls of lard. Suddenly I noticed someone sitting next to me, which had never happened in the week I had been at that school. I looked up, and it was a girl in a full cheerleader's uniform. Back in South America, our school had no cheerleaders, no school did...so seeing that girl wearing that outfit was as odd to me as seeing a real life cowboy or something. I took off my headphones because I realized she was speaking to me. Taking them off made no difference, I didn't speak a word of English. I looked intently at at her, trying to understand what she was saying. She was very pretty, and seemed unnecessarily friendly towards me. She moved in closer to me as she spoke, and began to smile. I was a bit freaked out by this, because it didn't feel right, something was up. I told her in Spanish, that I didn't understand what she was saying. When I spoke in Spanish, she burst out with laughter, and as soon as she did I was hit in the back of the head with something that felt like a baseball bat. I looked behind me, dazed, and saw one huge kid standing there with his fist still behind my head. Along with him was every other kid on the bus, they were all laughing maniacally at this majestic set up I had fallen for. I guess I had fallen for something, to this day I still don't fully understand what happened, what she said and why he hit me right at that moment. It was a pretty good introduction to what the first few years in this country would be like for me. I know what you're saying "wah wah...poor you". But see, I'm merely trying to explain to you how my move to this country went down, in order for you to understand why I suddenly began making these drawings again.

As a result of this tough transition after my family moving here, I often reverted to doing things that made me happy back in South America when I was a bit younger. After not having drawn bands for well over a year (which seemed like an eternity to me back then), I went back to drawing a lot, as well as building plastic models of cars. In retrospect, how did girls not love me back then? Nothing says "stud" like a dude who draws and builds models. Am I right ladies? Anyway, this was all an attempt to revert to an earlier time, and a way to seek some escape from what I felt (rightfully) was a pretty dreadful and stressful living situation. I have no training in psychiatry to back any of this up, but the last time I was in Vienna I visited Freud's apartment, which I feel gives me enough insight to make these claims.

This drawing comes from that time in my life. As you can see, I was somehow introduced to the concept of perspective. I would like to say that this came about due to my admiration of the work produced by Diego Velazquez, particularly his masterpiece Las Meninas. Even if that's not exactly the case (and it isn't), this drawing was just as important in my artistic development, and like Las Meninas, it will be studied by generations to come.



As you can tell by the shirts that the band is wearing (Obituary, Morgoth), my musical tastes had changed radically. This drawing was highly influenced by pictures of a Death studio report I saw in Metal Maniacs, including shots of Scott Burns relaxing behind the board. It was also highly influenced by the pictures on the back of the Terrorizer album, which showed band members (Oscar Garcia in particular) using huge headphones as they recorded. As such, this would be a depiction of a made up death metal band recording at Morrisound. The name of the band, by the way, was Abnegation. I picked out the name from a dictionary, not knowing that an actual band would later use the name. As you'll see in future posts, I drew this band many times...but this is the only depiction of them in the studio.

Please note:
- Plexiglass surrounding the drumset. Something I had seen on Saturday Night Live in order for the drum's sound to not bleed into other microphones.

- Check out the portable little tables that the guitar player's headphones hook up to. This is also from the Death studio report. One picture in particular featured such a table, which in reality was probably just a music stand.

- Classy track lighting at Morrisound Studios

- The logos on the bass drums are covered with tape, something I had seen in an old issue of Metal Hammer. It was King Diamond's drummer that had done this, probably because he was forced to play a drumset made by someone other than his official sponsor at a fest. You'll see this as a reocurring theme.

- Vocalist in the booth is wearing one of those Scum shirts that Barney always wore back then. Was that a club in England or something? I don't even know.

- Bass player is very clearly based on Frank Watkins, but his pose (sitting calmly while rocking the fuck out) is probably taken from Metallica's epic "Nothing Else Matters" video, which shows Jason wearing those rapist glasses that make him look like a Greyhound bus, as he plays sitting down. I always thought it was funny that, although he was sitting down, he felt it was necessary to use a strap that basically looked a damn sleeping bag.









This one is a collaboration. Actually, it's pretty much all drawn by my brother except for the drumset. Wow, where do I start. You see, back in 1988 my brother and I started a "band". Why do I put the word "band" in quotes? Because we didn't own any instruments, didn't know how to play any instruments, and we were basically little kids pretending. Still, after having heard The Exploited, we figured it wouldn't be too hard to play music and put out an album. Much like other kids play house, we played band. Along for the ride came my friend Alejandro, he was our guitar player. The extent of the band was the fact that we once played along to a bunch of Maiden and Alice Cooper songs for my family to watch. This is insanely embarrassing, but painfully true. It took us about a week to prepare for it, and we put fliers up all over the house. We prepared lighting, and made a drumset out of pillows from the couch. I was the drummer, and under me, pointing up, was one of those super hot red light bulbs intended for muscle pain. My brother's bass guitar was made out of cardboard and my dad's old T-square. Luckily, only days before our big concert, Alejandro's dad actually bought him a real guitar. So there we were, in our family room pretending to play along to the music on the stereo....with my parents and my sister watching. In front of us was a Union Jack flag that my brother made as his batik project in art class. In my last trip back to the old country, I sat around with my friend Alejandro and laughed about these memories until we cried. The whole thing was absolutely insane. Along with this concert, we also made an album cover, which my brother drew with color pencils on white cardstock. We even took one of my mom's Donna Summer albums, and covered the center label with one of ours. We came up with a bunch of song names, and eventually tried to record a couple of them with my dad's stereo. The songs that were recorded were "Huecos" (which translates to "holes") and Brain Putrefaction. Yes, the last song was in English. If you're going to ask if tapes of these songs exist, I have to tell you (sadly) that they don't. The recording session amounted to my brother's Casio keyboard providing a shuffle beat, and my brother merely singing the lyrics into a pair of headphones. Since I was the drummer, I was allowed by my brother to hit the "fill" button, which made the keyboard to this absolutely awful shuffle drum fill. "Huecos, huecos para esconderte...huecos, huecossss" was the song's chorus. In case you're wondering, this means "holes, holes for you to hide in, holes holes....." I know, it makes no sense. This is yet another topic that will need an entire post to really get into. Particularly because my brother has digital pictures of the album's cover, which Alejandro still has. Anyway, the drawing above is a fictitious concert from our fictitious band. My brother is on bass, Alejandro on guitar, me on drums.

Please note:

- Backdrop behind the band says "The Nightmare". Maybe there was other Nightmares around and we wanted to let everyone know that we were THE Nightmare?

- The date on the backdrop states that the tour was in 1999. I guess this is what we dreamed we'd be doing in 1999. Boy were we wrong.

- My brother (on bass) is wearing Haro pants? We didn't really ride BMX or anything...but we did share a knock-off Mongoose bike, which I pretended to ride the Tour De France in every summer....so the Haro pants are a bit of a mystery to me. Maybe he can clarify.

- The double cross symbol on my brother's shirt (and the "just die") message were like his signature. The symbol on the center bass drum was my symbol. This, I think, the idea for these symbols came from a bunch of places. The most important source would have to be the signature/symbol that was in all Maiden covers (the little circle with the arrow pointing down which was artist Derek Riggs' signature), as well as maybe Led Zeppelin's Runes album...although we weren't Zeppelin fans.

- Logos on the bass drum are covered up, since the drumset I was playing was not supplied by my official sponsor..and I didn't want to get in trouble for playing a different kit.

- Alejandro's boots say "Kiss", as he was a huge Kiss fan. Aside from being into metal, he was also into a lot of 60s music...hence the peace sign.





When I first saw Slayer's performance in the Ultimate Revenge video, back in 1988, I was floored. The music sounded nuts, the solos were noisy and almost painful. The image must have stuck with me, because I went on to draw it a few times over. This is perhaps the better of the Slayer pieces. If you're familiar with that video, you probably remember their outfits and instruments. I'm happy to say that I got most of it pretty damn right. Kerry King's outfit, and partially burned guitar are correct (even if the shape of the guitar is off.) Araya's shirt is spot on, as are Jeff's guitar (including the little chains all over it.) and leather jacket. I did miss the Agnostic Front shirt, and Jeff's hair is dark...but hey...not bad. Also, I'm not sure why I chose ADA as a brand name for amps. This was either me getting confused with DOD pedals, or a result of having seen a commercial for ADA security systems.

Please note:

- Kerry's pedal

- Uncut guitar strings

- Araya's face is as large and round as a flour tortilla, so it's pretty accurate.

- Lombardo just hit one of his cymbals, and it's still moving as a result. Damn, I had mad art skills.





There are many more drawings to go. Maybe way too many to post them all. Still, I'll probably do a couple more posts in the next few weeks, culminating with the grand opening of our online store, which will feature lithographs of these pieces, signed and numbered by yours truly. Not really...but hey...we can all dream.

The Metal Inquisition Archives: Pencil renderings of metal bands (Part 1)

This is the first post (I mean "piece") in what will probably be a long series of posts about the contents of the recently found Metal Inquisition Archives. Much like a time capsule that was left behind for decades, the Metal Inquisition Archives feature incredibly telling artifacts from the lifelong commitment to metal that my brother and I have shared. A bit like our ongoing Metal Archeology series, this one will focus on the contents of a single storage bin that was recently unearthed. For many years, most of the contents of the archives were kept secret, partially due to having forgotten about them...but also as a result of my sheer embarrassment of its contents. Some years ago, in an attempt to make Sergeant D laugh, my brother and I shared some key pieces from this collection, and laugh he did. To this day, there are still a few things about the collection that he continues to bring up in order to make himself laugh. We hope you have a similar reaction. So why share this stuff with the world, when we've been hiding it for years? I have no idea. Perhaps I think of our readers as our family. No, that's probably not it at all. I guess I'm just an all-around good guy and want to share the wealth with the world. Either that, or I'm self destructive and hate myself, who knows. Let's get started.

What are these things?
The items I'm sharing with you today are some one of the key pieces of the collection. Both the Smithsonian and the Getty have been after these for sometime, but we turned down offers that totaled dozens of dollars, so that we may share these with you, our readers. You see, these are just some of the amazing drawings that my brother and I created back in 1988 and 1989, although some are as recent as 1991. As you will see, the artistic skills shown in these pieces of art are only rivaled by our lack of understanding of the English language. Sadly, Blogger is not great at showing large images...but don't worry, at the end of this series I'll provide a link so you can download a hi-res PDF of these pieces, which are suitable for framing (Thomas Kinkade, eat your heart out). In the meantime, double click the images, and enjoy them at a much larger size.

Why were these horrible "masterpieces" drawn in the first place?
I don't have a great answer to this question. My brother and I were not exactly loners growing up, but the huge stack of drawings in front of me seems to tell another story. We had friends, enjoyed sports, and took public transportation all over the city where we grew up. We weren't sickly or awkward (at least not too awkward), but I guess we also liked staying at home and drawing away. We were always obsessive as kids, and when metal became a part of our lives, we dove in head first. In South America back then, the chance of ever seeing a live metal band was slim at best. The opportunity of ever seeing a world-class band, or even a fifth-rate thrash band (I'm looking at you Laaz Rockit) was non-existent. Similarly, we had no access to magazines or even metal albums. All of our tapes were tenth generation dubs with no covers, and perhaps as a result of this isolation, our minds were left to wander. Sometimes, we would see a tiny bit of a band's video at a friend's house, and our minds were blown to the point of having to draw the image that had been burned into our minds. Looking at many of these drawings, I'm taken back to that time, and can easily place why certain things are in these drawings, such was the impact that imagery within the realm of metal had on me. It's for this reason that I often feel that those of us who grew up in seemingly distant and secluded nations had a greater bond to metal and other subcultures. This is not something I'm particularly interested in debating, as I'm certain I could be proved wrong, but when I think back to just how insanely obsessive we were about metal, I'm often left to think that it was more about our surroundings than our personalities. Like a religious fanatic who praises the unknown, metal seemed like a distant heavenly thing, and we worhsiped at the altar of metal.

How/when were these masterpieces drawn?
The majority of these pieces were done by me (each one signed and dated on the back), with a few being done by my brother as well. A few were done as collaborations since my brother was way better at drawing hair (especially mid-headbang), and I was better at drawing drumsets. You see, I badly wanted a set of drums, and my brother wanted a bass guitar. Although we lived in an extremely populous city, there was only one instrument shop in the whole city. We had never been there, as it was well over an hour away...so we also fetishized musical instruments as much as we did bands and metal in general. I'm not exaggerating when I tell you that the first time I ever saw a set of drums in person, I nearly fainted. I was so excited that I simply couldn't contain myself. Again, this speaks to the level of isolation that we lived in. Still, it was a great childhood, and many of those positive memories took place at my desk, drawing these amazing pieces of art. My bedroom was next door to the family room, in which my father's Sony stereo system sat. Since I didn't have a stereo in my room, my brother and I took one of the oversized speakers (one of those huge ones with the fake wood veneer), and put it in my room so we could listen to music. In order to play a tape, we would have to go into the other room, start up the tape, and then go back into my room to listen to the right channel only, since we only had the one speaker in the room. To this day, there are certain Slayer and Venom songs that sound weird to me as a result of now being able to hear both channels. From time to time, we would play radio DJ for one another, plugging a set of headphones in the other room and using them as a mic. "And up next is a killer track from Slayer", we would say into the set of headphones, trying to entertain one another as we drew for hours. My brother was particularly good at it, taking care to mix music behind his talking, a skill that would come in handy years later when he hosted his own metal radio show for about four years. Keep in mind that I was 10-11 at the time. I'm not saying my age makes it any less embarrassing, but I'm hoping it puts things into context for you.

It was through that old, piece of doo-doo Sony stereo that we would make dubs from our friend's tapes. The stereo, I should tell you, did not have two cassette decks, oh no. The way we copied tapes was by playing the cassette on my dad's stereo, and placing a small boombox by the speaker, which recorded the sound from the stereo. We surrounded the speaker and the boombox with pillows, and made sure not to talk or make any noise during the full duration of the dubbing session. Now that you have a clearer picture of when a 10-11 year old version of me worked on these drawings, you can enjoy them that much more.


The masterpieces



Let's just get this one out of the way right now. I know it's Mr Sergeant D's favorite, so this one's for him. Why on earth I shared this drawing with him many years ago, I'll never know...and why I'm posting these for all of you to laugh at me is also beyond me. First things first: yes, his shirt and the sticker on the guitar say:

Welcome to the hell

Did I warn you about my lack of English skills back then? I was 10 for god's sake, and all the English I knew was from Slayer songs and Eddie Murphy movies. This piece is unusual, in that it only depicts one member of a band, in this case the band is E.S.S., a made up crossover type band. When I say "crossover", I don't mean like DRI circa "Dealing With It". That would be way too cool. I mean, more like how Anthrax thought they were crossover by virtue of merely using the NYHC symbol on their guitars, and by having posed twice with a Variflex skateboard for a picture in RIP magazine. The band's name being three letters was a cue I took from bands that seemed to play har(d)core or punk, although I had never heard most of them. DRI, GBH, SOD, MOD...they all seemed the same to me. Again, I can't explain enough how detached I was from music and reality at large. Why his fretboard says "harcore", I'll never know. First of all (as a reader pointed out) it's missing a "d". But see.... I guess, he loved har(d)core music and wanted to let his fans know. Hey, no one gave James Hetfield any guff when he put that man/wolf design on his fretboard...so go take it up with him. The same is true for the backwards baseball hat, which I (for some odd reason) thought was a sign of being "har(d)core", and crossover. No one where I lived wore hats, it was a very American thing, and it seemed so odd to me. Note the GBH patch on his leg, which I erased for some reason. Lastly, I should point out that the guitar depicted is clearly a Jackson Dinky with a reverse headstock. I'm proud to say that after all these years, I'm a proud owner of that guitar, which I bought from one Sergeant D...active EMG pick-up and tremolo included.

Please note:

- The unbelievable detail on his fingers. The poor guy's left hand looks like a packet of hot dogs.

- E.S.S. stood for Eat Shit Stupid. I have no idea where I came up with that. If only I had access to the Nocturnus time machine, I'd use it to go and ask the 10 year old version of me what I was thinking.

- Highly realistic pose, at least as far as the legs are concerned.

- The guitar strap realistically shows the slack created by the dude having picked up the guitar to do his sweet solo. Come on, give me some credit here!!!





Another made up band, this time it's Satan Sons, not Satan's Sons...just Satan Sons. Apparently possessive nouns were a difficult thing for me to learn in the English language. As I think about it now, it sounds like a plumbing business. Toilet clogged? Are your drains slow? Call Satan Sons, they'll fix you right up.

Considering when this was drawn, I would have to say that the influences for this piece were primarily the Ultimate Revenge video, and seeing the back of the Venom Black Metal album cover. What is the bass player on the right doing? Honestly, and I'm not even kidding, he's doing some sort of salute or prayer to the devil. Seriously. I remember thinking about this, and you will see it appear in other drawings. I guess that's what being raised in a catholic country will do to you. Can you imagine walking into your 10 or 11 year old's room, only to find him drawing this?

Please note:

- The bass player is using a chain as a guitar strap

- The lines coming up from the top of the page are my highly realistic depiction of the amazing light show that Satan Sons no doubt had.

- Guitar player on the left has an SOD patch on his trenchcoat (kinda' funny since the name of the band shows I didn't know how to speak English at all)

- Slayer t shirt

- sweet band logo, which predated Deicide's trifixion







Let's just talk about the obvious thing first. Yes, the band's name is Anti Posers...and yes...the slogan behind them says "slay a poser, & get a free yo-yo". Even typing it out, I get the shakes, and begin to laugh. I have no rational way of explaining this at all...except that I must have hated posers back then, and felt the need to convey it through a made up band that I drew. As far as how the band ran this promotion, or if it was their label or management that gave out the yo-yo's I don't know. You have to give it up to these guys, for feeling so strongly about a single message and really running with it. The was no mistaking their stance on posers...they were like Bikini Kill, Nocturnus, Voivod, Earth Crisis or Nile when it came to their singular lyrical focus.

Please note:

- The dude on the left has an "I hate posers" shirt, while the guy on the right has a shirt that repeats the yo-yo giveaway promotion they were currently advertising on that tour. These guys HATED posers. For real!

- I clearly got sick of drawing, and chose to cover the faces of two dudes with hair...thus minimizing my workload. I was smart, even as a little kid.




Another piece featuring a band you are now well-acquainted with, E.S.S. This one features the usual rubbery legs (see guitar player on the right), oddly shaped people (singer and bass player) and that all important "ahh fuck it" moment. What do I mean? it's the moment when I clearly decided I had been drawing long enough, and just wanted to be done. In this case, you can see how little effort was put into the drummer. His arms make no sense, the drumset sucks even more than everything else...I had clearly had enough and wanted to be done. If you're wondering where else in the world of metal this "ahh fuck it" spirit can be captured, look no further than the cover of Death Angel's Act III album. As Sergeant D has rightfully pointed out in the past, the artist wasted like six weeks getting the drapes to look realistic as hell...and when it came time to paint the people in the seats he just said "ahh fuck it", and drew repetitive stone statues. Speaking of Death Angel, when did they go from looking super sweet, like this:

(Note the short-shorts, and the all-white outfit.) To looking like this:

Which basically amounts to the dudes that change my oil with a nasty case of Tommy Victor's Disease. Which reminds me...a lot of white people make fun of Cross Colors clothing, which many-a-minority rocked in the early 90s. Well, its payback time. Let white people (and some Filipinos apparently) get laughed at for wearing Affliction. Okay, back to the drawing.


Please note:
- "Not Man" t-shirt, an homage to Anthrax, whom I loved at the time.

- E.S.S. flag being waved around by the badly drawn, chubby singer. This is definitely influenced by the Anthrax home video, where Scott waved that huge "NOT" sign.

- Check out the guitar player on the right, he's doing a killer solo as he slides on the floor. Weee!

- lots of guitar picks taped on the mic stands, which means they were probably throwing out tons of them to their adoring fans.

- bass player is wearing bermuda shorts, another Anthrax nod

- The guitar player on the left, is the same guy that was depicted on the first drawing. See his fretboard? It also says "Hard(c)ore". In this drawing I found yet another way to spell the same word incorrectly. I deserve some kind of award. Apparently he plays for a hugely popular band, but still prefers the warm, bluesy sound he gets out of his small 2-12 Fender amp.

- The bass drum on your left says "don't you fuckin' look at me", an obvious Antrhax reference.

- The monitor on the left has a number on it, 83. I remember seeing rented equipment being numbered like this when watching large concerts on TV, probably by someone like Jose Feliciano.


Hope you liked these, and hope I didn't oversell them. There are many more to come, as well as other weird crap from our archives. Another post about amazing art coming up this Friday.

Great moments in art history: Grim Reaper

Out of all the triumphs in the world of art, few can compare to the cover of Grim Reaper's seminal album "Fear No Evil". Grim Reaper is known to most simply as "the band with the hideous singer whose looks made everyone around the world dry-heave in disgust", or the band whose video had a cameo by Joey Belladona. But with time, we have gained insight. With that insight, we have come to see the undeniable value of this fantastic cover.




Hair Side-Note:
Grim Reaper toured once with Anthrax in the mid 80s. That's all it took for them to take on the absolutely worst characteristic of our beloved New York City thrashers...the poodle haircut. The diagram above shows the three characteristic shapes found within Charlie Benante's stylish poodle cut. The poodle haircut, in case you didn't know, was a rare sub-genus of the mullet species, primarily seen in the greater New York City area. The poodle haircut required constant attention and primping, much like a topiary at Epcot Center.

Fantastic topiaries in gardens such as these require much less work than the poodle cuts found atop New York thrashers like Anthrax.

And Now, Back To The Record Cover:
Breaking away from the norm, the artist of this masterpiece turned his back on oils and airbrushing (common media of the day) and made the bold move of using colored pencils and (perhaps) pastels. Pencils, though not commonly known as an effective device to portray true brutality, nevertheless managed to beautifully convey an amazing scene for this cover. Why do I say "amazing"? Just think about what is being shown in this terrifying piece of art. Picture yourself chillin' in church (or a holy place of your choice) with your parents. You're about 13, and you're there because your mom makes you go. In reality, you'd rather be home watching Hellraiser in the basement, or listening to...say....Grim Reaper. You're wearing ill-fitting, pleated-front khakis, along with the free plastic belt they came with. The sermon is moving along slowly, and you're bored to tears. All of a sudden....BOOOM! A god damned motorcycle-riding skeleton bursts through the stained glass windows like the Kool-Aid man! Holy Mary mother of baby Jesus! It's the Grim Reaper skeleton! Tell me this wouldn't totally make your day?

This is kinda' what a bored teenager looks like, while in church, in most western countries. Note the Lens Crafters "2 for $49.99" wire rim glasses.

Now, I'm no art expert so I'm not sure how this cover has anything to do with the title "Fear No Evil". But maybe it does. Am I not supposed to fear him? He's certainly evil. He's plenty evil actually, sorry if that opinion is not very metal...but I'd be scared as all hell. I mean, look, if this guy is riding his motorcycle through those expensive stained glass windows, he's pretty evil! And, at the risk of sounding like a little bitch, I do fear him. What would you do if you were just sitting quietly in church and a god damned motorcycle-riding skeleton plowed through the window? At the very least, you'd be startled. Don't try to be all metal and say "nah dude, that would be rad!", cus you know you'd be scared as all hell. Come on, the old ladies in church would freak the hell out, piss their diapers and at least one of them would die from a heart attack. Why you ask? Did I mention that a fucking motorcycle just burst through the fucking stained-glass window? Oh...and another thing, the fucking motorcycle was being ridden—not by a normal human being—no. It was the fucking Grim Reaper on two fucking wheels!


With that out of the way, let me comment on a couple of other things. First, look at the impressive work that was put into his robe. Sadly, no such work went into the perspective. Just look at the part of the wall that is visible on the right. Oops, it's going the other way. Also, by the time he finished the robe and had to draw the outside of the building that is visible through the broken window, the very place the Grim Reaper is coming from, he decided to call it a day and simply paint it all black. I also love how this skeleton dude is pure evil, but still manages to place his big toe, every so gently once inside the building. Based on the length of his toenails, I'd say the man is due for a day of pampering and a mani-pedi, but he's still demure with his toe placement. Also, check out those teeth. Oh my.

A rare photo of the Grim Reaper at a mani-pedi party with friends.

Regarding the motorcycle, I'm hoping an enthusiast out there can fill us in on the accuracy of the steel horse he's ridding. Isn't he riding super far back on the bike? The bike seems to have no brake mechanism in the front wheel at all either. That's pretty evil, no brakes...dude is crazy evil! I see brake levers, but no disc brake in the front hub. I thought those were pretty much standard, no? Also, the front wheel is not exactly round either. I think it's pretty cool that even though he's the Grim Reaper and all, he still likes to personalize his bike. Note the goat/devil head in the front suspension. That's like the equivalent of a "baby on board" sign in the underworld. They're all the rage down there.

Lastly, I took this picture of my own personal copy of the album. Check out the sweet contest they were running when the album came out, it was called "Reaper Madness". Get it? It's like "Reefer Madness"! More importantly, you could win a Grim Reaper jersey or headband! Oh man! I'm so bummed that by the time I bought this record, the contest had ended like 10 years earlier. Damn.

Great moments in art history: Sadus

Most people feel that art can be hard to understand. That's because most art is in fact hard to understand. Consider the Yale art student who, as has been widely reported, did a nine-month art project where she:

"... artificially inseminated herself 'as often as possible' while periodically taking abortifacient drugs to induce miscarriages"

While the thought of such an undertaking would surely cheer up Chris Barnes and other Cannibal Corpse members (past and present), most of us are left scratching our heads, asking "is that art?" If you find yourself asking such a question, I present to you the cover for the Sadus album "Illusions", a piece of art so direct that it singlehandedly changes every viewers take on art. Unlike complicated artistic statements that require substantial reading to understand the intended meaning....this cover is exactly what you think it is. This artistic masterpiece is:

A long-haired viking skull (who is a devout christian, and enjoys fashion accessories such as crowns) is ingesting numerous skulls that come in peacock feather-like droplets, stemming from a tunnel. The tunnel is guarded by a rivitted keyhole that holds saturn, the sun, small asteroids and a UFO, which is itself rooted to a human brain that is held by the skull's hair. Could it be any simpler?

Though I have just spoken highly of the very direct nature of this piece, let me also point out that all great art makes references (however subtle) to other pieces of art, as well as film, music and culture in general. For example



The simplicity, Asian overtones (more on that later), black background, use of a single accent color, as well as the one strong vertical element (the purple type in the Sadus record, and the dress in the other) makes an obvious reference to Steely Dan's "Aja" cover. Not too unusual, when you think of it. While Sadus was not known for having any Jazz or Fusion influences, Steve Digiorgio played in Death as well, along with Paul and Sean from Cynic. Cynic loved their Fusion and Jazz. See, it all makes sense.


The skull's crown reference's Wonder Woman's own golden fashion accessory. What seems at first like an unusual artistic reference, is in fact understandable. The dudes in Sadus were horny, metal losers. Loneliness makes men do stupid things, like putting Wonder Woman's crown on an otherwise evil skull.




Another unusual reference is the cosmic sea that is held within the riveted keyhole, an obvious homage to the work of the astronomer and astrochemist Carl Sagan, and his book/TV series Cosmos. Again, this may seem like an odd choice at first, but consider the following. Steve Digiorgio played bass in Sadus, but he also played in Death. Death had a song called "Cosmic Sea"*. You must also remember that during the sessions for that Death album, Steve played with Paul and Sean from Cynic. Cynic had a song named "Celestial Voyage" in their album Focus. Do I have to spell this stuff out for you guys? Sheesh.

*Thanks to a kind reader for reminding me about this song. How I forgot it, I will never know. I'm very ashamed.

Like most other metalheads, the guys from Sadus grew up in very humble surroundings, and art was not a priority. More often than not, the art that hung on their homes growing up, was the picture that came with the frame. Nothing else can explain the use of a cornucopia in this cover.


What metalhead out there has seen a peacock and NOT wanted to include part their beautiful plumage on a record cover?



Like all American metal bands, Sadus ripped off German metal bands. Look at the reflections on the Sadus logo, they suggest that the logo was actually made of a reflective, perhaps metallic material. Sodom's logo was actually made out of polished steel. Sadus' was merely airbrushed to look that way. What we have here is another American band copying a German band, and not doing it well. Note the similarly retarded shapes of the letters.


The typography on this otherwise metal cover gives the album a slight, but refreshing Asian feel. Much like a cheesy Asian bandana on the forehead of an Italian kid from Long Island.


PS: On a closing note, I should mention that my brother and I often heard from a very reliable source that members of Sadus mailed weed to each other many times just to see if "it would work". Man, bored white trash dudes come up with some stupid things to do when they're sitting around watching Wonder Woman reruns.

Metallica. The Band. The Muse.

As a musical act, Metallica's influence on the world of metal is undeniable. Just look around, and you'll see lots of terrible bands with sub-par Danish drummers, and bass players who play slap bass while crab-walking. Similarly, Metallica has become the art world's favorite muse. Just look at the fine pieces below, and you'll see why the artworld has seen a radical switch away from landscapes and still lives, and into portraits. Enjoy.


"Thinking It Over"
Depiction of James and Lars looking out towards the bay bridge, wondering what type of horrible snare sound they can use in the next album to make it suck worse. Never mind the fact that the artist got tired after drawing James and drew Lars as a mere ghost. This was on purpose. It's an homage to Lars and how he slows down dramatically and is unable to play Whiplash at even half-time.



"No, I'll Erase You"
There's some double entendre here. First, the title refers to that moment in Some Kind Of Monster when Lars' dad, after being asked to review some new songs, says "I think you should delete that". Deep inside, Lars knows his dad wishes he could have erased him when he was a baby. The title also references the erasing technique used to give the jacket's lapel its highlights. This artistic trick is a favorite amongst tenth graders.

"Oooooooh...Yeaaaaah! Womaaaahhhhn!"
This fine drawing depicts James at around the time that he began to look like the cowardly lion in the Wizard Of Oz. It speaks about his reservations and fears in life. His biggest fear? Angering tubby knob-twiddler Bob Rock, who has become a father figure in his life. Think about it, in the movie A Year And A Half In The Life Of Metallica, James actually takes his suggestion and does the stupid "ooooh...woman!" thing in the vocal booth. I bet Flemming Rasmussen never made him do that. Anyway, Remember how he started wearing a little wolf head on a necklace around that time? And what about the frets in his guitar that showed a wolf evolving to a man. Just thinking of it makes me feel embarrassed.


"No Life Till Leather"
It's not often that the worlds of art and fashion meet. When they do meet, they breed and they have this jacket as a child...and the whole world suffers. Is the person on the top right supposed to be a Cliff/Jason hybrid?


"None More Black"
Homage to the Black Album and its minimalist artwork. Simple, but strong...like Kirk's wig.


"This Is My Robot Voice"
A ficticious depiction of what would happen if Kirk were ever actually allowed to speak at any Metallica event. What would happen, it turns out, is that he'd put the mic up to his throat and do his best robot voice...and tell stories about his tiny bicycle skid mustache in the early 90s, as well as his wig collection. Come to think of it, that would probably be better than James' awful banter.


"Jump Out Of The Fire"
Barely recognizable as the boys from the Bay Area, this mural depicts the dynamic duo. The flames represent the ghost that haunts them...the memory of Cliff Burton, who they killed in Sweden and claimed was an accident. The reason for killing him? Two words: Bell Bottoms.

Logo contest reminder. Come and be brutal with us.

Just a reminder to let everyone know that the contest is concluding at the end of metal business tomorrow, April 4th, 2008.

Here is the original post, stating the guidelines.

Paul Stanley—The Painter

Ambitious Kiss frontman Paul Stanley is not satisfied merely being the effeminate voice behind one of the leading joke bands to come out of New York in the last century. Oh no. Much like Michelangelo, who could easily turn his attention from sculpture, to poetry, to architecture and then to engineering...Paul Stanley has gone from sounding like a southern black woman on stage, to the world of painting. Apparently, Paul was not content merely sucking at one thing, and decided to widen his field of horrible artistic output. I present to you, the art of Paul Stanley. Please pay attention to the titles of these pieces, it will help you understand them.

Jester

I think this painting is about the duality of his role in Kiss. Court jester to the masses, the sad clown, always there to entertain. But who will entertain him?

Karma
This painting is about what Gene Simmons has coming to him for that remake of "Firestarter", and for selling two of his alarm clocks for thousands of dollars to his fans in that Kiss auction a few years back.

Infinite Solitude
Again, this piece touches on the contrast between the man on stage, the superstar...who must then go home alone and cry to himself about not being able to let the world know his true self. This piece's subtitle must be: "Ain't no closet big enough"

Burning Hand
This piece is a bit of an inside joke with the Kiss crew. The painting is about a sexual position developed by Paul himself during their 1982 Unasked tour. You don't even want to know the details. It has to do with Drano, Gene's wig, and a complex pulley system.

Kyoto
This piece is statement about the United States' unwillingness to enter into the Kyoto Treaty. Who said Paul was shallow and didn't understand politics? The song Hotter Than Hell was totally about global warming, Black Diamond was about the issue of diamond mining in Africa, and Love Gun was...well, okay. That one was a childish homage to his genitalia. But you get the point.


Want more? Check out this interview that Paul did at his gallery opening.