Friday, October 31, 2008

Metal Inquisition Mailbag Vol 2: Happy Halloween!

Asa E sends us a link to an incredible interview he did with none other than Mike Browning of Nocturnus. There are some real gems in here:
How difficult was singing and drumming simultaneously, initially? Whenever singing/playing an instrument, rhythmic consistency is a given, but drums seem to be a very cardiovascularly demanding instrument.
Well I have been doing it so long it’s just kind of natural now for me, but using a headphone mic actually makes it a lot easier. Once I really get a good memorization of the lyrics to where I don’t have to think about what I am singing, then I can really get into just becoming the song instead of playing it!
Very subtle, Asa!! You coaxed him into talking about the headphone microphone without tipping him off to the fact that you were making fun of him. It's always a tough balance, and you pulled it off like a pro! I don't want to spoil it, but this is one of the best interviews I've read in ages! It touches on Metal Gear, the cover of The Key, chanting spells from the Necronomicon, and all kinds of great stuff. Asa, can't wait to see more!!

Read it here

Which crappy state sucks more?
Pat writes:
As a survivor of the tri-state area's hardcore and metal scenes, I was thinking you guys could do a post posing the question "Which is more metal, Long Island or New Jersey? Could be an epic debate.
The fact that Danzig's from Lodi, NJ may be the decider.

The Inquisitors respond: Who is really to say? Both are wretched dumps in which the resident fall into one of two categories: scary poor people or annoying middle-class/rich people who think they know everything. NJ gave us Ripping Corpse, Dim Mak, Mortal Decay, Revenant and Bloodfeast, but LI brought the world Morpheus Descends, Suffocation, Internal Bleeding, and Pyrexia.

From the Old Memes department
Constanza 76 write:
The images of pure evil that consumed my soul when i visited this website will no doubt give the M.I. staffers more than enough post material.

Are you guys ever worried that these shadow worshipers you make fun of almost daily will finally take action, unite, and assault the M.I. compound. Will seargant d and the S.O.D be enough to defeat these unholy legions.

The Inquisitors respond:
As we discussed in our last mailbag, making fun of corpsepaint is pretty much played out, but maybe this take on the subject will be novel enough to amuse. We leave it to you, the reader, to decide if we are guilty of the same stereotype that we seek to lampoon.*

* Ultramega giant holocaust nerd points to anyone who can identify this reference

Why is Shane Embury chasing Richard Marx?

They also invented homos
Matthew writes:
Dear Metal Inquisition,

Would like to bring to the attention of the MI the following two Greek metal bands who currently ply their craft primarily through myspace:

You will note, when perusing their profiles, the widespread use of Engrish. You will also note that it is in fact currently 1987 in sunny Greece. The intention behind the image the bands are attempting to put across is devoid of all irony.

The Inquisitors respond:
Yikes, you're not kidding about the Engrish or the time warp! Here are a couple of highlights from Crucifier:

No, it's not an outtake from a Gothic Slam photo shoot, they're Greeks. The guy on the left even has little saddlebags like every Greek woman over 28.


Now, I could spend the rest of this post making fun of these awful bands, but you can do that on your own: they're fat, ugly dipshits that can't speak English, blah blah blah. Instead, I will take advantage of our international readership and make fun of Greeks- because there is plenty to make fun of! First of all, they love complaining about pretty much anything and everything. I am really not clear on what they actually do enjoy, aside from having strong opinions and voicing them very loudly while they gesticulate aggressively. Oh, they also like to point out that Turkish coffee "is really Greek coffee." Which brings me to the other thing they like, which is explaining how awful Turks, Albanians, and Romanians are. I'm sure they are indeed awful, but it's just sort of funny in the same way as it would be funny to hear someone in a Crazy Town shirt tell you that Papa Roach is a terrible band.

Megaforce Records writes:
Mushroomhead have new DVD out Oct. 28. Can you post the new video "Save Us" link? Great for Halloween:

Zarna & Robert
Megaforce Records

The Inquisitors respond:
I am only posting this because Bobby Blitz told me that Johnny Z was cool! Seriously, how can you get up in the morning and look yourself in the mirror knowing that you have to go to work and peddle Mushroomhead records?! I saw this awful band in 1996 and never in a million years did I think they would still exist in 2008- and if I did, I would certainly have used my Nocturnus time machine to destroy them!! I mean, I like a lot of shitty shit (for example, Limp Bizkit, Evanescence and Crazy Town), but even I have to draw the line somewhere, and this is where I draw it. If you need anymore favors, you're going to have to have Johnny Z call me personally!!

Hipsters would probably buy them

Rick Bell writes:
As none of you most likely know, in my spare time I'm occasionally an unsuccessful inventor. I'm the Homer Simpson variety inventor, for every halfway decent idea I've come up with there are a hundred that are really, really crappy. But I think I'm onto something here. Not since Clip-On 3-D Glasses (making 3-D movies easier on those who wear glasses, of course) have I come up with something this ingenious. The Death Metal Fanny Pack - For The Indiscriminate Metal Fan On The Go:

Nergal from Behemoth thinks they're cool! (Nergal? Wasn't that Garfield's arch nemesis in the hit comic strip Garfield?)

The Inquisitors respond:
Well done, Rick! I'm mildly amused! The only problem is, I am nearly certain that Blue Grape already made these back in the 90s. Remember how you could buy Sepultura "jams" and Sacred Reich hockey jerseys?

Until next time...
We have another 100 or so emails in the inbox, and maybe only 90% of them are press releases about Mushroomhead. What do you think? Is the mailbag entertaining, or no? Should we try to answer all of them, or only post the best ones?

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

The end of all that was evil.

An ongoing theme in this blog is that of getting older and realizing that things are not what you once thought they were. To be more specific, I'm speaking about the shocking revelation that the dark characters who you once thought occupied places of honor within the world of metal are anything but evil. Glenn Danzig washes his car, Mortiis does laundry at a laundromat, members of bands like Mayhem get yelled by their moms for not putting the toilet seat down, that dude from Dark Throne works at the post office. You get my point.

Like the fall from grace that the bible talks about in terms of the devil, this fall too affects us. At least it affects those of us who got involved with metal at such a young age, that we still saw people in some bands as comic book characters (all image and no depth of character, much less reality.) It's with that spirit in mind that I present to you the following images, images that would have absolutely broken my heart had I seen them as an 11 year old.

King Diamond is an American redneck who wears Corvette sunglasses, a Nascar hat and rocks a mustache? What? Okay, he always had the mustache (though it took me years to discover it), but all the other stuff certainly comes as a surprise to me. It's like seeing Batman in his pajama pants. How on earth does a Danish guy get into Nascar anyway? Damn, he's been living in Texas waaaaay too long.

Okay, I know that Cliff Burton never pretended to be a dark, satanic character...but this image would have broken my heart as a kid...if only due to its highly pedestrian nature. I now realize that Cliff was probably not even posing for this picture, but he actually worked doing road maintanence as late as the release of Master Of Puppets. Growing up outside the US, it never occurred to me that people in metal bands were usually the offspring of jobless meth-heads, and usually worked god-awful blue collar jobs. I assumed all americans were highly educated, wealthy, and were all brilliant. Then I saw New Jersey and Long Island, and I learned the truth.

Ugh. I'm speechless. Opposite of evil.

Speaking of King Diamond, this is my favorite King Diamond shirt ever.

I know I posted this picture before, but I had to post it again. As late as my mid-teens, I was convinced that people like Glen Benton were not a total joke. I know, I know...I'm an idiot. Seeing this picture makes me think of how much crap his mom probably gave him when he burned that cross on his forehead. He probably still has to wear hats to family picnics and weddings.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Metal Inquisition Mailbag Vol 1

I finally checked the Metal Inquisition email account for the first time in weeks, if not months, and saw that we had actually received quite a bit of mail. Although most of was retarded crap, we appreciate that you spent the time to get in touch, so we will try to address it here. There is a lot, so I will just answer a few pieces of mail at a time, starting now. If we didn't get to your email this time, and you're disappointed, you should kill yourself immediately. But we will get to it next time, and keep writing!

Grill Em All
Ryan writes:
hows it going man? My name is Ryan and im the dude w/ the grill em all tattoo! ha, im glad you posted that on yer site, my friends and i are fans, so that made my fucking day! Anyways, i play in a metal band here in los angeles called Sumerian Axe, you may or may not be into it, but i figured i'd shoot you the link either way.

The Inquisitors respond:
I'm pretty sure I met Ryan like 10 years ago or something in Ohio, but I could be wrong. If so, his child-like grammar and spelling make me think that he has suffered severe head trauma since then. Anyway, if you're into beard metal, check his band out. I listened to it for a second or two, then shut it off and turned on 311.

Get Thrashed
Hey im a poser so i wont waste your time, (but who isn't a poser by your standards?). Anyways i have watched a documentary called "Get Thrashed" about 5 times since it came out a month ago, Since the best part of my day is reading your blog, i think it would be a great post if you guys did a review of this doc, and provide us with some answers to what the hell is going on in this masterpiece. If you haven't heard of it check it out, acquire it, and i promise it will contain an unlimited amount of hilarious post material. Some questions i would like answered after watching the movie....

1. Can you locate the actual scumbag trailer park Bobby Blitz is doing his interview from and, put a logical guess to how many meth dealers are within a 10 mile radius.....mine is 1,000

2. Dave Mustane hates Beef Stew....why?

3. How many posers did Gene Hoglan actually kill?

Whatever, I'm drunk and i think this would be cool, I love your blog, fuck you.

The Inquisitors respond:
I watched the "metal vs. hardcore" clip and confirmed that this movie is like every other music documentary: 90% old, washed up douchebags telling story after long-winded story about exaggerated versions of things that happened 20 years ago (see also, "American Hardcore").
I'm sure to them the stories are super interesting and incredibly shocking, but to the rest of us they're about as exciting as your uncle's fish stories. Basically, the thrash version of Bruce Springsteen's "Glory Days," only not nearly as good.

Retard, Morlock, or Eastern Euro? You be the judge.

Eastern Europeans: The real-life Morlocks?
Ian Spermgrinder writes:

Forgive me if you're already aware of the phenomenon of Krabathor, a band from the Czech Republic whose lyrical content would make that of the early 90s British band Cancer seem highly intellectual.
Usually when a band uses english as a second language, there's a gradual learning curve and they end up getting it more right than wrong. Not Krabathor. Each release continues to defy the listener's/reader's ears/eyes with the pure nonsensical ramblilngs that is usually the exclusive purview of Japanese Wigger Slam bands. Check em out.

The Inquisitors respond:
I have heard Krabathor, but I didn't know that they were such an Engrish factory! I hopped on their MySpace and checked them, with hilarious results:
I'm irritate appearance
In the eyes is death and revenge
In my face is grisly anger
Task is O.K. - killing the brain! <-- This was my favorite!

Don't control my wrath
In the veins is poison
Killing for my virtue
Slowly let out poisonous blood


Every have own mistakes
I've defect in brain
Now we are in a row living
I'll kill, piece by piece

I'm loyal for death
I see only hopeless
People are the fuckers <-- Also a classic!!
Therefore kill, kill, kill!


I kill the innocents,
But among they are the offenders
Death even so is just
I kill the others, don't will better
Thanks for the tip!

Do the Dew
Brian shares the following inspirational image. Keep it fuckin' sick, bro!! Guttural slamming brutality crew, Pepsi chapter!!

No frills metal humor
Mark is a man of few words, and write the following concise note:
I enjoy your blog, so here are some more photos to make fun of.

The Inquisitors respond:
Sure enough, there are some doozies in here!

For being so grim and necro, he looks remarkably relaxed, even pleasant. I'm trying to figure out what's going on with his flooring: is that weird carpet, or crappy linoleum tile that's coming up at the edges? Either way, I would take a look at it before it gets worse. If there's water damage, you want to catch that as soon as possible!

And here he is out of costume. It's not a bad little back yard, although with houses on either side, I think it might end up being a little too shady and cool for my tastes. You would really only get sun back there at high noon. It seems like it would be an ideal place to grow something that thrives in shade, though, like bluebells or maybe something in the nightshade family. I love bluebells, they're so pretty! Also, the shiny red ball.

Oh come on, you're not even trying!! Back in my day, we at least got in the car and stood in front of the scariest building in town instead of just crudely photoshopping ourselves in front of something off of Google images. And what kind of a name is "Restless"? That's like using "Mildly Annoyed" or "Uncomfortable" as your black metal name!

Until next time... keep the emails coming!

Monday, October 27, 2008

My Life with Danzig—A Photographic Journey

If you're anything like me, you probably still remember a time when Glenn Danzig wasn't an absolute joke. Okay, he was always a bit of a douche, but perhaps we were all too young to notice. I'm not sure. Whatever the case may be, if you're roughly my age, you probably remember the ongoing arguments about who would win in a fight between Danzig and Henry Rollins....or between Danzig and grizzly bear for that matter. That was before we figured out that Danzig is only 5' 2", and that his slight musculature was actually not impressive at all. Those were simpler times. Today, we've seen the light. With said light, we've noticed who Danzig fans are, and we've noticed that the people who play Danzig riffs on YouTube look like this:

Note the title of the video, which you can watch here. Also notice the fire extinguisher on the wall. That's because his shredding is so hot, he could easily set to place on fire. What the hell is that poster behind him all about? Is it a chart depicting the top ten ways to make women repulsed by you? If so, he's really applying himself. Good for him.

I'm tempted to say that we were all much cooler back in 1992 than this guy is now.But I'm afraid we weren't. As I've stated before, if YouTube had been around back then, some unbelievable footage would exist of me doing some insanely embarassing things (like playing along to Rush songs on the drums, or least trying to). Having said that, this guy (on the video) is old enough and should know better.

Anyway, I remember watching the Danzig home videos with my brother back then, and not totally laughing at them. We certainly thought the videos were odd and a bit silly, but we didn't die laughing when he talked in great detail about how an E-chord is incredibly evil, or when he shared his collection of books with us. The fact that we didn't die of laughter should serve as proof that we were both huge douchebags ourselves. It's with that mindset that I now present to you the following compilation of Danzig imagery. Maybe for a future post I will scan the picture of me and Danzig when I was 14. For now, enjoy these.

I thought these mesh shirts with fake tattoos on them were reserved for tubby Jersey guidos who go to clubs and hit on old chicks, while telling them stories about "the good old days." Oh wait...nevermind.


Oink Oink.


Oink, oink.
Since he's fat like a pig, I think it was a smart decision for him to put his name on the product everyone's been asking for, Danzig ham. To be fair, like Glenn himself, Danzig brand ham was way better in the early 90s, the quality of the product has dropped significantly since then, while the fat content has risen.


Few things worth noting:
1. His bangs are teased up like a mall-goer circa 1986

2. Look at his chest area. Dude has straight up hooters.

3. He looks like a Muppet.


Now famous image of Glenn washing his car after some dudes threw poo on it or something (you can search for the story on the Google, I'm sure). Perhaps the saddest thing about this image is that after all these years in the biz, all the guy can afford is a Jaguar XK.


Don't you love the sassy pose on this illustration? I love how his left hand is on his hip, as though he's saying "Oh no you didn't!"


Perhaps one of the most revolting moments ever committed to tape was when Glenn shared his book collection with us. I love how he tried very hard to sound deep during the whole thing. You have to give it up to Danzig though, the guy was ahead of his time when it came to being on screen with his shirt off. He was like the metal world's Matthew McCononaughey back then (in stupidity, annoyinigness, as well as all-out shirtlesness. According to spell check, I just made up two words).


Another image that was requested by one of our readers. Danzig's bald spot. Makes sense that a guy old enough to have a bald spot would be buying comic book artwork of some kind at a convention. The tiny, evil man-child lives on.


Another image that has done the internet rounds, I know, but it's still kinda' funny to me.

Wolverine gloves + mesh shirt + huge beltbuckle = WINNER.


Per a reader's request, you can watch the video of Glenn falling off stage here. It happens at 4:09. Look at the screen shot from that video. I think he's due to give birth in like two weeks.


I had to include this screen grab of the video where Glenn got knocked the hell out, for the sake of being thorough. I don't know that I can add anything else about this image that has not already been said. Watching an overweight man who is 5'2" and in his late 40s getting smacked around is just a bummer.


This is not a high quality image, and Glenn is very small in the picture...I know, but look at Glenn's gut, his man boobs and his face. Priceless. He looks like he's taking a huge dump. By the way, I'm sure all his roadies are thrilled about having to carry his stupid styrofoam skulls and daggers around the whole country so he can play in front of dozens of people in places like Green Bay.


If it wasn't for the fact that Glenn dresses like a 19 year old at a comic book convention, he could be the guy that just installed my new windows. Same hairline, that's for sure.


Peek-a-boo, we see you and your leotard bodysuit.

Friday, October 24, 2008

Metal Inquisition's Second Photo Caption Contest

I was very, very tempted to post the not work-safe version of this picture here, but I decided not to. If you're ready to see the amazingly great not work-safe version of the picture, click here. As you'll see, I probably could have posted the original version since there's not much to it.

Post your captions, and when doing so please note that Kirk's left hand seems to be rubbing furiously inside his robe while he stares directly at Metallica's tiniest member (double entendre). Poor Steve Harris and his mom jeans got stuck in the cross fire.

I'll go first, and get some of the obvious ones out of the way:

Sad But True
The Shortest Straw

Thursday, October 23, 2008

A brief survey of pornogrind

To me, most grindcore sounds like tuneless shit played by retards that don't have two brain cells to rub together. Which is exactly what it is. If there is any genre of music that has lower barriers to entry, I haven't come across it (although, as one of our readers pointed out, bedroom black metal comes close). In spite of the fact that grindcore makes me want to jam sharp objects in my eardums post-haste, I have a real soft spot for it's kissing cousin, pornogrind. Unlike grindcore, which emphasizes playing garbage as fast as possible, pornogrind places a premium on groove and actual songwriting. Plus, I never get tired of porn sample intros. I'm far from an expert on the genre (and who really wants to be?), but here are some of my favorites:

The Meatshits were my introduction to pornogrind, and what an introduction! I bought "The Ecstasy of Death" at the Tower Records in Bellevue, Washington when I was in high school, and to this day it's one of my favorite records in the genre. I still think they have the best song titles, far better than more ironic peers like Anal Cunt. For example: ""Bullshit Lottery", "Let There Be Shit", "Bobbing For Stools", "Cancerous Foreskin", "Dead Fag Quilt", and so on. (At the risk of being PC, I want to be perfectly clear that I am completely laughing at, not with, this stuff) "Sniper At The Fag Parade" is the most jawdroppingly, subhumanly retarded/brilliant thing I've ever heard. It's literally like what your 12-year old, white trash neighbor with fetal alcohol syndrome and severe head trauma would come up with if you gave him a microphone and a 4-track. Basically, I love the Meatshits because they represent the absolute bottom of the barrel of the human race! Listening to them makes me feel like I should be wearing a helmet when I leave the house.

There are lots of other great things about the Meatshits, like how every record has a song or two where he raps over a drum machine and corny Casio-style keyboards, but I've already gone on for too long. I could literally write volumes about how much I love the Meatshits, but I'll leave it at that for now.

Here is a link to download almost all their 7"s.

Cock And Ball Torture
I am going to go out on a limb here and say that CBT have probably listened to Gut once or twice, because they sound almost exactly the same. That's definitely not a bad thing, though, and the world could certainly use more Gut tribute bands. The only real difference is that CBT aren't quite as funny/clever, and I think they use a pitchshifter, which I am kind of philosophically opposed to. But they have massive, moshtastic riffs and the super thick production on their records really puts them over the top. If you like Gut, definitely check out CBT! The video above is pretty good, I especially like the part with the Pope singing.

Man, I never get tired of YouTube videos that put grindcore songs over silly, mismatched footage! For example the part in this video with Hulk Hogan playing guitar at :24, solid gold. In any case, Gut are perhaps the originators of pornogrind as we know it today. The Meatshits were first, but they more or less just played noisecore with porn lyrics and samples. Gut were the first band that I know of to play the slow, groove-oriented style that defines the genre these days. I think they also pioneered the concept of writing odes to various adult actresses. I totally appreciate this idea, but I feel like their taste in porn chicks is a bit dated, perhaps betraying their age. For example, writing songs about Jenna Haze and Aurora Snow in 2006? Come on dudes, get with the times and write some jams about Eva Angelina, Cody Lane, or Audrey Bitoni. Shit, I'll even settle for Next Door Nikki. What would be some truly next level shit (to borrow their phrase) would be a collabo with Johnny from In The VIP!

Which brings me to the other thing that sets them apart: they have a strong wiggerish element. Needless to say, I love this. For example, the list of influences from their MySpace:
Impetigo, Kool Keith aka Dr. Doom aka Dr. Octagon, Cryptic Slaughter, Repulsion, Notorious B.I.G., G.G. Allin, Lord Of Putrefaction, Macabre, Ol´ Dirty Bastard, Detroit Grand Phubas, old Xysma, Ulcerous Phlegm, very old Demilich, Blowfly, Mike Jones, Gorilla Biscuits, Mehr Kohle Atzen, Interment, S.O.D., Blasphemy, Malediction, Necro, Skateboy P., Righteous Pigs, old KKS, old D.R.I., old Pungent Stench, old Celtic Frost, N.W.A., Gucci Crew II, Autopsy, Bobby Digital, Unseen Terror, old Carcass, Bun B...
On their newer records, they have some songs that are as much rap as they are metal (like "Gigolo Warfare"). It sounds like a terrible idea but I honestly think it's their best stuff! Other good rap songs include "How Low," "Three Handsome Guys" and "Next Level Shit." It's definitely an unlikely combination, but wigger-porno-rap-grind might be my favorite new genre of music. That said, I love wiggerish influences as much as anyone, but I have to draw the line at Bun B, Silkk The Shocker, and Ludacris! Yuck.

Anyhow, make sure you hop on their Myspace and check out their stuff, especially "Gigolo Warfare." If I had to pick a favorite pornogrind band, it would definitely be Gut. If I'm ever in Germany I want to hang out with these guys, they seem like a fun, chatty bunch! But what do I know, I'm listening to New Found Glory as I type this.

DEAD live at Obscene Extreme Festival 2005

Aside from having a very difficult-to-Google name, Dead is yet another German pornogrind band that's very much in the vein of Gut. Like CBT, they play extremely thick, groovy moshgrind with pit riffment to spare! They have particularly catchy songs, though, so if you like this style, you definitely won't go wrong with Dead.

Dead on Myspace

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

More Metal Tattoos From The Interweb

Thanks to the magic of search engines and the internet, we once again take you for a spin around the world of metal tattoos. Hold on tight, it's going to be a depressing and bumpy ride.

1. The line-up of bands on his leg is enough to make you gag.
2. The guy's disgusting hairy leg and crotch shot are enough to make you barf.
3. The fact that the guy is married (see wedding band) is enough to make you loose all hope and respect for women.

How many of you were surprised that the asshole who has this tattoo is wearing white hi-tops, and white ankle socks. Anyone? No? Good. I wasn't either.

This picture is proof that men are not only idiots, but also gross. Look at that disgusting armpit hair, or whatever body part that is. I've never felt so hetero in my life.

The Sarge and I saw Fear Factory some years ago in what was basically a midwestern parking lot. They played a Pantera song, and we both got the douche chills. This is the kind of tattoo that the dude who has it would show to the band members with great pride. The band members would then go " Sheesh. Wow."

Look, I know that the guy's dead and everything. It's sad, wah, wah, wah...but how big of a douche do you have to be to get this on your arm? I can just picture the guy getting it constantly reminding the tattoo dude "remember to make the goatee red, it's very important. I'm a huge fan of how he looked during the Far Beyond Driven years!"

This guy is my hero. I'm not being ironic. He's rad.

Late addition, suggested by a reader in the comments section. I don't even know where to start! The awful rendering with the fu-manchu mustache, the hat, the goatee, the pimples on Dimebag's forehead....oh and did I mention the Heavy Metal logo?

Who is the only person dumber than Max Cavalera? The guy who gets a tattoo of Max Cavalera.

Now this, my friends, is commitment. I would love to meet this guy and tell him "I'm a real Queensryche fan, not like you" just to watch his blood boil and his head blow up.

Any readers out there have band-related ink? Tell the truth, I know there's at least one Napalm Death or a Nasty Savage tattoo out there somewhere.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

What is the wackest subgenre of metal?

If you listen to Dream Theater, you are this guy.

Let's start with an easy target. Why is it that technically skilled musicians choose to play such awful music? (I'm looking at you, Dave Weckl) Look, I like Cynic, Atheist and Watchtower as much as the next guy, but I have to call it like I see it. Metal is full of socially awkward weirdos that exist in their own, bizarre world and have no idea how to interact with human beings, but prog fans are misfits even among this motley crew of losers. It is very impressive that you can play Mekong Delta's entire catalog on your Chapman Stick, but it would be even more impressive if you had the courage to throw yourself on a sword and salvage what little is left of your dignity.

Coming soon to Hydra Head

Stoner Rock
There are two kinds of people who listen to stoner rock: Beardos and old guys with jean vests. Both suck. It is the heavy metal equivalent of rockabilly or ska: a kitschy costume party that couldn't possibly be more contrived and phony. To the beardos, I say that your ironic bandana is about as cool as a pompadore and those dumb rolled-up jeans, and you're certainly not fooling anyone. For the old dudes, I simply ask that you please shut up. Who will help me drive a stake through the black heart of this wretched genre?

This man is the brains behind Explosive Dickhole

One-man MySpace drum machine grindcore
Noisecore is one thing, but one-man MySpace drum machine grindcore (OMMSDMGC) is another. Much as computers ruined graphic design by unleashing desktop publishing on the world, technology also destroyed music by making music-creation tools so cheap that any asshole with fetal alcohol syndrome and a Putrid Pile shirt can and does make a OMMSDMGC project. You know that a band is absolutely fucking terrible if they make you long for the rigorous quality control practices of 7 Minutes of Nausea or the Meatshits.

Wigger slam
Obviously this is not the answer. I only put it in here to see if you were paying attention!

Pantera cover band or brutal death metal? You be the judge.

Brutal death metal
Let's be honest, this shit fucking sucks! If I ever hear another tremolo riff again, it will be too soon, to say nothing of the endless, repetitive blast beats that fill the Unique Leader catalog. Seriously, could there be anything more dull than Deeds of Flesh, Hate Eternal or Vital Remains? Now that I think about it, Vital Remains might be the most boring band in the history of music. And I would rather chop off my asshole with a machete than listen to Krisiun for even a single second. Someone, please invent a device that will incinerate the legions of BDM douchelords with shaved heads, goatees, and Immolation shirts.

What's your take?
I covered a few obvious targets but I am sure there are many that I missed. What is your take? What is the wackest subgenre of metal in your book?