The Mortiis Toejob*

When he's not busy making shitty music, Morttis enjoys worshipping feet.

Call me old-fashioned, but I don't get foot fetishes. Sure, I can appreciate a nice pair of feet, but my appreciation ends at "hey, nice feet," before moving on to a much more interesting body part, like the ass. I've never gotten a boner from looking at someone's feet, I've never sucked on anyone's toes (okay, maybe once, but I was really drunk!), and I certainly don't want to be jerked off by someone's feet. Mortiis, on the other hand, is a bonda fide foot fanatic.

If you're as ugly as Mortiis is (I think the elf makeup and prosthetics is actually an improvement over his real face) you take what you can get. In this case, all he could get was a fat, ugly pig by the name of Sarah Jezebel Deva. Sarah is a backup singer for Cradle of Filth (I didn't even KNOW Cradle of Filth had backup singers!?) and lead singer for her own shitty band, Angtoria. Well, apparently things got a little hot and heavy one day while on tour and Mortiis just could not contain himself. He simply HAD to have Sarah's chubby, callused toes in his mouth. Sarah was kind enough to bless the world with the following photograph of Mortiis caught in the act, knuckle deep.

This has got to be the most disturbing thing ever posted on Metal Inquisition.

Judging from the caption, Sarah's command of the English language is equal to that of your average teenager. Pretty sad when you consider she's 31 years old. Using "u" instead of "you," adding unnecessary apostrophes, misspelling common words, using "cos" instead of "because," and using excessive punctuation. As if you couldn't already tell just by looking at a picture of her that Sarah is retarded. Not to mention the fact that the caption itself is so fucking vile it makes my stomach turn. The thought of sucking on Sarah's pudgy, sweaty toes after a day of walking around London in the blazing sun makes suicide sound like a pleasant idea. There isn't enough alcohol on Earth to get me to put those toes in my mouth.

As for the authenticity of this photo, I'm no photography expert, but all of my internet detective work points to it being real. Same horrific face, same shitty tattoos. You be the judge!

*Thanks to reader Darley Green for the story!

The Worst Album Covers of 2008

I don't know about the whole world, but this cover is certainly setting my brain on fire. What an eyesore. I know a lot of people hate Dave Mustaine, but how can you not respect the guy? Even after being kicked out Metallica and crying in Some Kind of Monster he will not give up. He just keeps on toiling in obscurity hoping that someday his shitty, second tier thrash band will get their due and he will become a hero to millions and everyone will know that he riffs faster than everyone else. Dave Mustaine is the embodiement of the American dream. One that shattered into a million pieces decades ago.


Yeah, I get it. The drummer and guitarists are SO good! It doesn't matter that their music is boring as fuck, just listen to their skillz! The guitarists are so original and earth-shattering that their guitars have 7 strings instead of 6! That's 3 more guitar strings than Max Cavalera has on his guitar! That extra string really helps them write the SICKEST most wicked crazy squiggly wiggly guitar solos and chugga chugga riffs. And the drummer!!!! I could go on for days about how he plays the CRAZIEST time signatures!! Like I can't even figure out what's going on when I listen to him play because he's THAT CRAZY!!! Is that in 3/23 or 6/76ths???? I CAN'T FIGURE IT OUT BECAUSE IT'S TOO HARD!!!! And just like how their music is beyond human comprehension so is their album cover. Is that a chubby bald dude with a little paunch meditating covered in blood? And is that THREE arms I spy??? Dude's got some pretty big areolas. And what is OBZEN??? It's like a word from outer space!


I chose to post this Origin cover, but I could just have easily posted any number of album covers by brutal death metal bands because they're all the same fucking thing. Some bullshit looking hyperstylized monster/machine hybrid. This shit is so lame and played out. It looks sterile and lifeless, which is exactly what all these bands sound like. Not brutal!


I'm a hetersexual male and I love Judas Priest. I'm all for gay rights and I think Rob Halford co-opting gay leather-daddy culture and reclaiming it for metal was a brilliant move, but is there anything sadder than an old wrinkly leather daddy? You had your time, Rob. Don't ruin your legacy by trying to make a couple extra bucks. It ain't worth it. I haven't listened to this album, but I'm sure it sucks. Spooky prophecies and a disembodied head floating in space? Where's the leather and spikes, at least?


Are you fucking kidding me?? A band really used this as their album cover? What the fuck!? I've never even heard this band, but I guarantee they're wacky thrash. The band members are probably in their early to mid 20s and wear tight jeans, hightop sneakers, and denim vests covered in band patches and pins. Well, guess what? Dark Angel called from 1986 and they want their schtick back because you are a fucking embarassment to metal. A plague that should be wiped off the face of the earth. Paul Baloff is spinning in his grave. When will it end?


Full disclosure: I really like DragonForce. Yeah, I know that makes me a huge homo and a poseur and whatever else, but I don't care. These dudes fucking shred and are so over-the-top ridiculous I can't help but love them. But even I can't condone this album cover. Somone has been watching too much Ghost in the Machine or something. This album cover might actually have worked if it was a picture of a real chick decked out from some cosplay convention.

Why does Exciter even still exist in 2008? It's like telling everyone you know that you just bought the COOLEST rotary phone ever!! Will metal dinosaurs ever learn? These clowns must be gluttons for punishment. This the dumbest album cover I've ever seen and what could have been an acceptable album title for a bunch of 20 somethings in a thrash band 20 years ago is now beyond sad coming from a bunch of washed up 40 year old accountants. This cover really is an embarassment because Exciter is responsible for some of the greatest and most unforgetable cover art in the history of thrash metal.


Sorry Glen, but Pungent Stench did it better 17 years ago. And your new album sucks. You put out a killer comback album before this that no one saw coming. You should have quit while you were ahead, but you got cocky and you thought you could it again. You were wrong.


I don't even know where to begin with this one. Everything is wrong and horrible and I'm getting physically angry just looking at this piece of shit. Who even listens to this band anymore? I guess if you're really that stupid, then you deserve this.


Is it too much to ask for even a little effort from black metal bands? A 6 year old could have made this cover in art class with a pair of scissors, some construction paper, and a glue stick. Warmasters? I sure as fuck wouldn't want this chode fighting on my side if I had to go to war.


Hahahahaha... okay, at least this one is kind of funny. Of course it still sucks, but at least I'm not filled with rage when I look at it.


A woman in a futuristic spandex suit gliding through the air with some weird shit coming out of her back. I like Alex P. Keaton's hoverboard better. I haven't listened to Soilet Green since I was in high school, but if this cover is any indication my guess is they sound like teen bop now.


Never ones to shy away from shocking imagery, Cradle of Filth have always embraced controversy. They're bound to stir up quite a controversy with this piece of shit cover. Nothing like computer generated blasphemous religious imagery. Keep on pushing the boundaries of good taste, guys.


I don't know anything about this band. I don't remember how I came across this album cover, but I thought I should include it in my list because when you name your band Wykked Wytch it's like you're inviting the entire world to make fun of you mercilessly.


We've already covered this one in detail, but no list of the worst album covers of 2008 would be complete without it. A coffin surrounded by fingerprints? I don't even care to guess anymore. At least they got Pushead to do the art for that piece of shit St. Anger.


Uhhhh... okay. Why not just go to the library and look up "concentration camps" in the Encyclopedia Britannica then photocopy whatever pictures they have and use that instead of having someone waste their time, money, and effort to pain this piece of shit.


This is another one I thought I should include because it's just so fucking dumb that I can't help but laugh when I look at it. My guess is that they were going for some real menacing underwater creature, but instead they got Jimmy the friendly octopus. Look at his little mouth in the middle, it looks like he's cracking a smile.


I'm kind of torn about this one because it could easily be the worst/best album cover of 2008. To be on the safe though I'm going to go ahead and include it on this list. I know Yngwie shreds hard, but to insinuate that he shreds SO hard that he makes his guitar neck catch fire is a bit hard to believe. Much respect for showing off the hairy chest and gold chain, but when did Yngwie start looking like Steven Segal? Dude even wears kimonos now.




This is one of those covers that makes me want to reach into my computer screen and punch it square in the fucking face. I hate everything about it, just like the Ugly Kid Joe.

My Life with Danzig—A Photographic Journey

If you're anything like me, you probably still remember a time when Glenn Danzig wasn't an absolute joke. Okay, he was always a bit of a douche, but perhaps we were all too young to notice. I'm not sure. Whatever the case may be, if you're roughly my age, you probably remember the ongoing arguments about who would win in a fight between Danzig and Henry Rollins....or between Danzig and grizzly bear for that matter. That was before we figured out that Danzig is only 5' 2", and that his slight musculature was actually not impressive at all. Those were simpler times. Today, we've seen the light. With said light, we've noticed who Danzig fans are, and we've noticed that the people who play Danzig riffs on YouTube look like this:



Note the title of the video, which you can watch here. Also notice the fire extinguisher on the wall. That's because his shredding is so hot, he could easily set to place on fire. What the hell is that poster behind him all about? Is it a chart depicting the top ten ways to make women repulsed by you? If so, he's really applying himself. Good for him.

I'm tempted to say that we were all much cooler back in 1992 than this guy is now.But I'm afraid we weren't. As I've stated before, if YouTube had been around back then, some unbelievable footage would exist of me doing some insanely embarassing things (like playing along to Rush songs on the drums, or least trying to). Having said that, this guy (on the video) is old enough and should know better.

Anyway, I remember watching the Danzig home videos with my brother back then, and not totally laughing at them. We certainly thought the videos were odd and a bit silly, but we didn't die laughing when he talked in great detail about how an E-chord is incredibly evil, or when he shared his collection of books with us. The fact that we didn't die of laughter should serve as proof that we were both huge douchebags ourselves. It's with that mindset that I now present to you the following compilation of Danzig imagery. Maybe for a future post I will scan the picture of me and Danzig when I was 14. For now, enjoy these.

I thought these mesh shirts with fake tattoos on them were reserved for tubby Jersey guidos who go to clubs and hit on old chicks, while telling them stories about "the good old days." Oh wait...nevermind.

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Oink Oink.

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Oink, oink.
Since he's fat like a pig, I think it was a smart decision for him to put his name on the product everyone's been asking for, Danzig ham. To be fair, like Glenn himself, Danzig brand ham was way better in the early 90s, the quality of the product has dropped significantly since then, while the fat content has risen.

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Few things worth noting:
1. His bangs are teased up like a mall-goer circa 1986



2. Look at his chest area. Dude has straight up hooters.

3. He looks like a Muppet.


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Now famous image of Glenn washing his car after some dudes threw poo on it or something (you can search for the story on the Google, I'm sure). Perhaps the saddest thing about this image is that after all these years in the biz, all the guy can afford is a Jaguar XK.



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Don't you love the sassy pose on this illustration? I love how his left hand is on his hip, as though he's saying "Oh no you didn't!"



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Perhaps one of the most revolting moments ever committed to tape was when Glenn shared his book collection with us. I love how he tried very hard to sound deep during the whole thing. You have to give it up to Danzig though, the guy was ahead of his time when it came to being on screen with his shirt off. He was like the metal world's Matthew McCononaughey back then (in stupidity, annoyinigness, as well as all-out shirtlesness. According to spell check, I just made up two words).


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Another image that was requested by one of our readers. Danzig's bald spot. Makes sense that a guy old enough to have a bald spot would be buying comic book artwork of some kind at a convention. The tiny, evil man-child lives on.


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Another image that has done the internet rounds, I know, but it's still kinda' funny to me.

Wolverine gloves + mesh shirt + huge beltbuckle = WINNER.

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Per a reader's request, you can watch the video of Glenn falling off stage here. It happens at 4:09. Look at the screen shot from that video. I think he's due to give birth in like two weeks.

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I had to include this screen grab of the video where Glenn got knocked the hell out, for the sake of being thorough. I don't know that I can add anything else about this image that has not already been said. Watching an overweight man who is 5'2" and in his late 40s getting smacked around is just a bummer.



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This is not a high quality image, and Glenn is very small in the picture...I know, but look at Glenn's gut, his man boobs and his face. Priceless. He looks like he's taking a huge dump. By the way, I'm sure all his roadies are thrilled about having to carry his stupid styrofoam skulls and daggers around the whole country so he can play in front of dozens of people in places like Green Bay.



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If it wasn't for the fact that Glenn dresses like a 19 year old at a comic book convention, he could be the guy that just installed my new windows. Same hairline, that's for sure.



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Peek-a-boo, we see you and your leotard bodysuit.

Fat tub of goo sings Dimmu Borgir, world rejoices

The best parts are when he brings the mic close to his mouth and all you hear is his singing. He looks like he's made out of ice cream cake. Could he be related to this all time M.I. favorite?



You be the judge. Watch and enjoy.

Metal Photo Analysis—A collection of metal photography from around the interweb

I know we're all supposed to be respectful of each other's cultures...but seriously, how can we have any respect for Europeans when they throw this our way? Who gave Jabba The Hut a mic stand and a leather vest? Whoever you are, please ask for both things back. The fat tub of goo (of an unidentified gender) looks like he's about to blow a major artery in or around his face. If he/she does, we'll all be covered with the cholesterol filled goo that no doubt runs through his/her veins.




Well...I guess that's one way to protect yourself from the onslaught of complete and utter shit that you're about to produce on that budget-ass drum set.





Most kids simply get cash for their Bar Mitzvah, this little fucker's parents got him an entire afternoon with heavy metal dwarf Ronnie James Dio. What a better way to make a 13 year old feel like he's indeed a man in his community, than making him spend an afternoon with a 60 year old who is three feet shorter than him, and wears crushed velvet pants from the Victoria's Secret catalog?




Some scientists have claimed that time travel is impossible. I beg to differ. Not only does it exist, it only costs about $800. Simply buy a ticket to any South American country, and you'll see what I mean.





I guess all losers have to find something to do in order to fill the small gaps of time that exist between being rejected by all members of the opposite sex, and being beaten mercilessly by everyone in their school (including the kid with CP who drools on himself). By the way, put a shirt on. Yes, I'm talking to you bird-chest.




Like any other metal kid growing up, I always had a dream of suddenly finding out that I had a long-lost uncle who no one talked to in my family, one who never came around and lived his life of pure metal somewhere distant and awful...like New Jersey. In my dream, my uncle looked exactly like the guy sitting down in this picture, a bad ass rocker with a sweet mustache who's not afraid of wearing his boxers as outerwear. Sadly, my dream never came true. Now, all I have is this picture.





Look, I know that Nile were kinda' good at one point and all, but if you look at this picture and forget who they are...don't they look like the biggest group of loads you've ever seen? Combat boots with shorts? Are you kidding me? Who are you, goth kids at Six Flags circa 1993? Can't you get some normal guitars? That fat tub looks like he's playing on two wooden rowboat paddles.


Lastly, I know the band has an Egyptian theme (a theme, think about that, much like an 8th grade dance), but that godamned necklace makes tubby look like Professor X from X-Clan.







Studies have shown that one person out of every ten is gay. This means that all our families have at least one gay member in them. If that's true, don't you think a certain family member in each one of these guys' families would have let them in on the fact that they are basically dressed as gay sex slaves?





Okay, so some of you know what band this is. Good for you. Put that aside, and consider the fact that this picture contains a robe, a violin, and two swords. Metal bands are basically doing what most of us did in our basements for fun on Friday nights during the 7th grade, and getting paid for it (however little). As such, I want to make fun of them...but I'm also insanely jealous.