Stop

Yeah. Seriously. (Image courtesy of AHTBM.)

Bobby Rock says: intensity is the name of the game when playing for rivetheads

Listen up fools, Nitro's own Bobby Rock is gonna' tell you how it's done.

Interpretative Iron Maiden Dance

Is this Lady Gaga's retarded cousin?

Random Images

From time to time, our beloved Metal Inquisition intern will find images that he thinks would be funny to post on the blog. Though he's often wrong (like that one of Scott Ian using a Dyson vacuum cleaner), he will sometimes find near-gems that are certainly worth sharing. Here are some of his latest finds.

__________________________________________________________________

Perhaps the ultimate sign of my advancing age: I can no longer tell what gender people are.

__________________________________________________________________

The last time I decided to venture out and see live music for the first time in like a decade, a tub of goo who looked just like this ran up to my car in the parking lot and yelled out "Woooooooooh!" I just turned right back around, went home, and watched HGTV.



__________________________________________________________________


Imagine what it must feel like to be this guy. You think you're badass because you're selling merch for your friend's band. At a show, you meet a girl and she says: "You know who you look like?" in anticipation, you begin to think to yourself: Tom Selleck? Perhaps a young Rock Hudson? But then she says, "You look just like Tom G. Warrior". What a heart-crushing blow that would be, to be compared to a corpse from Switzerland.

At the risk of sounding like a bad Seinfeld impression, did you ever notice how metal fans tend to come in two sizes only? Dino Cazares fat, and concentration camp skinny. No in between. Lastly, do you think he got that NASA shirt because he's an actual astronaut? I guess we'll never know.


__________________________________________________________________

I have often made fun of juggalos for being the lowest form of human life, as well as for their aesthetic similarities to black metal fans (make-up, devastating good looks etc.) When you see this picture, however, you have to put all that aside and give this guy props. He's like a new breed of juggalo, a super-juggalo, juggalo 2.0 if you will. Looking an awful lot like a new character that Sacha Baron Cohen is working on, this dude is all "What bitch? Bring that shit on! I'll throw down right now! I don't care if I was going into the supermarket to get cream cheese, we can do this now!"

Based on his mustache and basketball shorts, you know he's not kidding. He will, in fact, fight you right then and there. Fans of the Howard Stern show may recognize the guy with facial hair in the background as Ronnie The Limo Driver.


__________________________________________________________________

Yet another sign of my advancing age: Wanting to punch this douchebag in the face so hard that his piercings will fall off. To think that all the work we put into the metal scene back in 1992 went to waste on this kid. Man, we fought so hard back then...and for what? So he can bleach his eyebrows while listening to Methods Of Mayhem.


__________________________________________________________________

At first I wanted to make fun of this awful record cover, but then I thought it about it more honestly, and I had to admit that this girl was my dream-lady back in 1988. Her outfit, that hair....godamn! She even has a dual-deck tape player/guitar! While you're making out with her, you could totally be dubbing your friend's Destruction tape! Could it get any better? One artistic/anatomic note however: how come where the two legs meet, all that happens is more leg?



__________________________________________________________________

For all you young kids, this is what the average female metal fan looked like in 1988. You youngsters are so spoiled these days. As gnarly as this female looks, dudes were lining up to talk to her about the new Testament album back in the day, hoping to take her back home.


__________________________________________________________________

Oofah! Talk about taking Robb Flynn's disease to a new all-time high. Your move Flynn.




__________________________________________________________________

Man, this picture is seriously unexpected. Billy Milano has finally let himself go. I knew it was only a matter of time. In case you're wondering, yes this is an actual picture of Billy Milano, not just a random picture of a gross fat dude.


__________________________________________________________________


Man, things sure have changed. Back in my day, no self-respecting metal fan was into sports. Today, Cincinnati Bengals fans are mixing their past times in ways that were previously unheard of. Why is she making that face you ask? She just had a bean burrito from the stand behind her, and its going through her faster than a speeding cheetah.




__________________________________________________________________

Have you ever seen that famous picture of the one time that Malcolm X and Martin Luther King met? It's often labeled "a meeting of the minds." This image is kinda' like that, but features two victims of advanced syphilitic brain infections. What do you think they discussed during this meeting? How to not let your bass be heard? Prostate advice? Catholic theology? We'll never know. I'm sure whatever they talked about, it was both idiotic AND annoying. These guys are real multi-taskers. (Update: As pointed out by a reader, Tom is starting to look more and more like Sitting Bull.)

__________________________________________________________________

Don't worry chubs, I totally get your anger. I'd be mad as hell if my mom switched out my evil candles for vanilla-scented ones.


__________________________________________________________________


Here we see Chris Barnes going for a stroll on a day off from touring.

My Life with Danzig—A Photographic Journey

If you're anything like me, you probably still remember a time when Glenn Danzig wasn't an absolute joke. Okay, he was always a bit of a douche, but perhaps we were all too young to notice. I'm not sure. Whatever the case may be, if you're roughly my age, you probably remember the ongoing arguments about who would win in a fight between Danzig and Henry Rollins....or between Danzig and grizzly bear for that matter. That was before we figured out that Danzig is only 5' 2", and that his slight musculature was actually not impressive at all. Those were simpler times. Today, we've seen the light. With said light, we've noticed who Danzig fans are, and we've noticed that the people who play Danzig riffs on YouTube look like this:



Note the title of the video, which you can watch here. Also notice the fire extinguisher on the wall. That's because his shredding is so hot, he could easily set to place on fire. What the hell is that poster behind him all about? Is it a chart depicting the top ten ways to make women repulsed by you? If so, he's really applying himself. Good for him.

I'm tempted to say that we were all much cooler back in 1992 than this guy is now.But I'm afraid we weren't. As I've stated before, if YouTube had been around back then, some unbelievable footage would exist of me doing some insanely embarassing things (like playing along to Rush songs on the drums, or least trying to). Having said that, this guy (on the video) is old enough and should know better.

Anyway, I remember watching the Danzig home videos with my brother back then, and not totally laughing at them. We certainly thought the videos were odd and a bit silly, but we didn't die laughing when he talked in great detail about how an E-chord is incredibly evil, or when he shared his collection of books with us. The fact that we didn't die of laughter should serve as proof that we were both huge douchebags ourselves. It's with that mindset that I now present to you the following compilation of Danzig imagery. Maybe for a future post I will scan the picture of me and Danzig when I was 14. For now, enjoy these.

I thought these mesh shirts with fake tattoos on them were reserved for tubby Jersey guidos who go to clubs and hit on old chicks, while telling them stories about "the good old days." Oh wait...nevermind.

__________________________________________________________________

Oink Oink.

__________________________________________________________________


Oink, oink.
Since he's fat like a pig, I think it was a smart decision for him to put his name on the product everyone's been asking for, Danzig ham. To be fair, like Glenn himself, Danzig brand ham was way better in the early 90s, the quality of the product has dropped significantly since then, while the fat content has risen.

__________________________________________________________________

Few things worth noting:
1. His bangs are teased up like a mall-goer circa 1986



2. Look at his chest area. Dude has straight up hooters.

3. He looks like a Muppet.


__________________________________________________________________

Now famous image of Glenn washing his car after some dudes threw poo on it or something (you can search for the story on the Google, I'm sure). Perhaps the saddest thing about this image is that after all these years in the biz, all the guy can afford is a Jaguar XK.



__________________________________________________________________

Don't you love the sassy pose on this illustration? I love how his left hand is on his hip, as though he's saying "Oh no you didn't!"



__________________________________________________________________

Perhaps one of the most revolting moments ever committed to tape was when Glenn shared his book collection with us. I love how he tried very hard to sound deep during the whole thing. You have to give it up to Danzig though, the guy was ahead of his time when it came to being on screen with his shirt off. He was like the metal world's Matthew McCononaughey back then (in stupidity, annoyinigness, as well as all-out shirtlesness. According to spell check, I just made up two words).


__________________________________________________________________

Another image that was requested by one of our readers. Danzig's bald spot. Makes sense that a guy old enough to have a bald spot would be buying comic book artwork of some kind at a convention. The tiny, evil man-child lives on.


__________________________________________________________________

Another image that has done the internet rounds, I know, but it's still kinda' funny to me.

Wolverine gloves + mesh shirt + huge beltbuckle = WINNER.

__________________________________________________________________


Per a reader's request, you can watch the video of Glenn falling off stage here. It happens at 4:09. Look at the screen shot from that video. I think he's due to give birth in like two weeks.

_________________________________________________________________

I had to include this screen grab of the video where Glenn got knocked the hell out, for the sake of being thorough. I don't know that I can add anything else about this image that has not already been said. Watching an overweight man who is 5'2" and in his late 40s getting smacked around is just a bummer.



__________________________________________________________________


This is not a high quality image, and Glenn is very small in the picture...I know, but look at Glenn's gut, his man boobs and his face. Priceless. He looks like he's taking a huge dump. By the way, I'm sure all his roadies are thrilled about having to carry his stupid styrofoam skulls and daggers around the whole country so he can play in front of dozens of people in places like Green Bay.



__________________________________________________________________

If it wasn't for the fact that Glenn dresses like a 19 year old at a comic book convention, he could be the guy that just installed my new windows. Same hairline, that's for sure.



_______________________________________________________________

Peek-a-boo, we see you and your leotard bodysuit.

Fat tub of goo sings Dimmu Borgir, world rejoices

The best parts are when he brings the mic close to his mouth and all you hear is his singing. He looks like he's made out of ice cream cake. Could he be related to this all time M.I. favorite?



You be the judge. Watch and enjoy.

Metal Photo Analysis—A collection of metal photography from around the interweb

I know we're all supposed to be respectful of each other's cultures...but seriously, how can we have any respect for Europeans when they throw this our way? Who gave Jabba The Hut a mic stand and a leather vest? Whoever you are, please ask for both things back. The fat tub of goo (of an unidentified gender) looks like he's about to blow a major artery in or around his face. If he/she does, we'll all be covered with the cholesterol filled goo that no doubt runs through his/her veins.




Well...I guess that's one way to protect yourself from the onslaught of complete and utter shit that you're about to produce on that budget-ass drum set.





Most kids simply get cash for their Bar Mitzvah, this little fucker's parents got him an entire afternoon with heavy metal dwarf Ronnie James Dio. What a better way to make a 13 year old feel like he's indeed a man in his community, than making him spend an afternoon with a 60 year old who is three feet shorter than him, and wears crushed velvet pants from the Victoria's Secret catalog?




Some scientists have claimed that time travel is impossible. I beg to differ. Not only does it exist, it only costs about $800. Simply buy a ticket to any South American country, and you'll see what I mean.





I guess all losers have to find something to do in order to fill the small gaps of time that exist between being rejected by all members of the opposite sex, and being beaten mercilessly by everyone in their school (including the kid with CP who drools on himself). By the way, put a shirt on. Yes, I'm talking to you bird-chest.




Like any other metal kid growing up, I always had a dream of suddenly finding out that I had a long-lost uncle who no one talked to in my family, one who never came around and lived his life of pure metal somewhere distant and awful...like New Jersey. In my dream, my uncle looked exactly like the guy sitting down in this picture, a bad ass rocker with a sweet mustache who's not afraid of wearing his boxers as outerwear. Sadly, my dream never came true. Now, all I have is this picture.





Look, I know that Nile were kinda' good at one point and all, but if you look at this picture and forget who they are...don't they look like the biggest group of loads you've ever seen? Combat boots with shorts? Are you kidding me? Who are you, goth kids at Six Flags circa 1993? Can't you get some normal guitars? That fat tub looks like he's playing on two wooden rowboat paddles.


Lastly, I know the band has an Egyptian theme (a theme, think about that, much like an 8th grade dance), but that godamned necklace makes tubby look like Professor X from X-Clan.







Studies have shown that one person out of every ten is gay. This means that all our families have at least one gay member in them. If that's true, don't you think a certain family member in each one of these guys' families would have let them in on the fact that they are basically dressed as gay sex slaves?





Okay, so some of you know what band this is. Good for you. Put that aside, and consider the fact that this picture contains a robe, a violin, and two swords. Metal bands are basically doing what most of us did in our basements for fun on Friday nights during the 7th grade, and getting paid for it (however little). As such, I want to make fun of them...but I'm also insanely jealous.

Christian Black Metal: A Photographic Overview

If christian metal taught us anything during the 80s, it's that any musical style can be co-opted by any group in order to use it for its own purposes. Enter christian black metal. Yes, it's been going on for a while, and most of you already know about it, but I didn't find funny pictures of christian black metal bands until recently, and that's what matters. I'm not going to discuss the music that these bands play, because it's black metal...so what really matters are the pictures.

Frost Like Ashes

At first, you look at this picture and think to yourself,

"Hey, they don't look so bad. They have the black metal look down pretty well."

But then you start to see certain things. First, a Reverend Horton Heat t shirt? Are you kidding me? Everyone knows that liking non-metal music is best left to musical weirdos like Cynic, who proudly stated that their favorite artist was Chick Correa in the pages of Metal Maniacs.

Even if you like Reverend Horton, don't wear a damn shirt announcing it at a metal show! Jesus (no pun intended), didn't you get the memo? I'll let the Biohazard tattoo pass, since I can tell myself that it's not for the band at all. Perhaps he's way into medical waste. Another thing, fatty really should have taken more care on how he did his make-up, half of it is on his t-shirt, and the other half went on his ear. I do have to give him props for managing to incorporate his pointy sideburns (he likes Reverend Horton Heat after all) into his make up. Lastly, is the singer seriously wearing catcher leg guards?






I don't have much to say about this last picture, except that he should consider some Crest Whitening Strips. And less ice cream cake.

Horrific Majesty

Horrific Majesty is a one-man black metal project that rocks out for the lord. Like any other self respecting one-man black metal project, Horrific Majesty has put out both black metal and atmospheric releases. It's exactly the same thing as Burzum, minus the homocide and jail time, and the satanism. Wait, was Burzum satanist, or just pagan, or was he into trolls and gnomes? I forget. Anyway.... is it just me, or is christian music basically a bizarro-world where you can do exactly what someone else has done and just make it christian? I guess no one questions the originality of the music, since the content is up their alley. But would guys in bands like this seriously claim to not be highly influenced by people who are, theologically speaking, from the wrong side of the tracks? Okay, who cares about that. Let's talk about the picture. When I think of the most evil things on earth, I always think of bird baths. The only thing more evil than bird baths, are those reflecting balls that fat white people have on their front yard throughout the midwest.

Antestor

Is it just me, or are there some homoerotic overtones in the picture above? Also, what's with the white robes? He's like the Stevie Nicks of christian black metal. What could possibly be be all that evil about two young, healthy men in their prime going for a quiet stroll with a masculine horse? Not much, especially when it looks like you're going to burst into "Gold Dust Woman".



Again, a bit homoerotic, and that mock turtle neck is not exactly metal. Still, they get points for having okay make-up and taking these pictures in the snow. But that mock turtle neck still bugs me, it looks like he's about to go play a round of black metal golf.






In this most recent shot we find Antestor at that most awkward point in any black metal band's existence. The band doesn't want to wear make up anymore, two guys have shaved their heads because they're was going bald, and at least one member in the band starts to throw the terms "atmospheric" and "ambient" around. As far as fashion goes, their musical conflict is clearly expressed through the choices they make. One guy wants to rock the sleeveless Diesel shirt, while another still wears leather pants. Though they may be European, they might as well be from Jersey. The end of the band is certainly near. They will break up into multiple one-man projects, I can feel it.

Fire Throne

This is perhaps the most out there example of the christian bizarro-world. A two man band named Fire Throne. Fire Throne? First, it doesn't even make sense. Second, it's kinda gutsy to call your band something so close to the name of the band that is considered to be a huge pioneer in a genre. Maybe I'll start a crappy thrash band that eventually sinks like the Titanic and call it Netallica. Nevermind that everyone has already ripped Darkthone off, or the fact that Darkthrone iteself was derivative at times, but this is just funny. For a second, I thought this was a joke band. Remember 2 Live Jews? Their album was called "As Kosher As They Want To Be" (as opposed to 2 Live Crew's "As Nasty As They Want To Be.") I thought it was like that, but for black metal. Or perhaps like Weird Al Yankovik. Sadly, that's not the case. This band is serious. Oh and one of the band members is called Unblasphemer. Great name.