Christian Black Metal: A Photographic Overview

If christian metal taught us anything during the 80s, it's that any musical style can be co-opted by any group in order to use it for its own purposes. Enter christian black metal. Yes, it's been going on for a while, and most of you already know about it, but I didn't find funny pictures of christian black metal bands until recently, and that's what matters. I'm not going to discuss the music that these bands play, because it's black metal...so what really matters are the pictures.

Frost Like Ashes

At first, you look at this picture and think to yourself,

"Hey, they don't look so bad. They have the black metal look down pretty well."

But then you start to see certain things. First, a Reverend Horton Heat t shirt? Are you kidding me? Everyone knows that liking non-metal music is best left to musical weirdos like Cynic, who proudly stated that their favorite artist was Chick Correa in the pages of Metal Maniacs.

Even if you like Reverend Horton, don't wear a damn shirt announcing it at a metal show! Jesus (no pun intended), didn't you get the memo? I'll let the Biohazard tattoo pass, since I can tell myself that it's not for the band at all. Perhaps he's way into medical waste. Another thing, fatty really should have taken more care on how he did his make-up, half of it is on his t-shirt, and the other half went on his ear. I do have to give him props for managing to incorporate his pointy sideburns (he likes Reverend Horton Heat after all) into his make up. Lastly, is the singer seriously wearing catcher leg guards?






I don't have much to say about this last picture, except that he should consider some Crest Whitening Strips. And less ice cream cake.

Horrific Majesty

Horrific Majesty is a one-man black metal project that rocks out for the lord. Like any other self respecting one-man black metal project, Horrific Majesty has put out both black metal and atmospheric releases. It's exactly the same thing as Burzum, minus the homocide and jail time, and the satanism. Wait, was Burzum satanist, or just pagan, or was he into trolls and gnomes? I forget. Anyway.... is it just me, or is christian music basically a bizarro-world where you can do exactly what someone else has done and just make it christian? I guess no one questions the originality of the music, since the content is up their alley. But would guys in bands like this seriously claim to not be highly influenced by people who are, theologically speaking, from the wrong side of the tracks? Okay, who cares about that. Let's talk about the picture. When I think of the most evil things on earth, I always think of bird baths. The only thing more evil than bird baths, are those reflecting balls that fat white people have on their front yard throughout the midwest.

Antestor

Is it just me, or are there some homoerotic overtones in the picture above? Also, what's with the white robes? He's like the Stevie Nicks of christian black metal. What could possibly be be all that evil about two young, healthy men in their prime going for a quiet stroll with a masculine horse? Not much, especially when it looks like you're going to burst into "Gold Dust Woman".



Again, a bit homoerotic, and that mock turtle neck is not exactly metal. Still, they get points for having okay make-up and taking these pictures in the snow. But that mock turtle neck still bugs me, it looks like he's about to go play a round of black metal golf.






In this most recent shot we find Antestor at that most awkward point in any black metal band's existence. The band doesn't want to wear make up anymore, two guys have shaved their heads because they're was going bald, and at least one member in the band starts to throw the terms "atmospheric" and "ambient" around. As far as fashion goes, their musical conflict is clearly expressed through the choices they make. One guy wants to rock the sleeveless Diesel shirt, while another still wears leather pants. Though they may be European, they might as well be from Jersey. The end of the band is certainly near. They will break up into multiple one-man projects, I can feel it.

Fire Throne

This is perhaps the most out there example of the christian bizarro-world. A two man band named Fire Throne. Fire Throne? First, it doesn't even make sense. Second, it's kinda gutsy to call your band something so close to the name of the band that is considered to be a huge pioneer in a genre. Maybe I'll start a crappy thrash band that eventually sinks like the Titanic and call it Netallica. Nevermind that everyone has already ripped Darkthone off, or the fact that Darkthrone iteself was derivative at times, but this is just funny. For a second, I thought this was a joke band. Remember 2 Live Jews? Their album was called "As Kosher As They Want To Be" (as opposed to 2 Live Crew's "As Nasty As They Want To Be.") I thought it was like that, but for black metal. Or perhaps like Weird Al Yankovik. Sadly, that's not the case. This band is serious. Oh and one of the band members is called Unblasphemer. Great name.