Monday, June 16, 2008

Great moments in metal photography: Hellwitch

As a young kid, I was attracted to the world of metal due in large part to the dark and mysterious aura that seemed to surround it. Record covers were evil, the music was evil, and the band members were surely evil. I was not alone in believing this, since the media fully bought into it. Looking back, I don't know how anyone could have been afraid of metal, or metal band members. The photo shoot featured in this post shows just how sad metal really is. This is the real deal my friends. This is Hellwitch, and this shoot was done recently. As I've mentioned before in this blog, I used to trade videos through the mail with Pat from Hellwitch back in the day. Pat is the long haired guy in the sleeveless bodysuit. As metal as he may look, keep in mind that Pat would write me notes that went along with the videos we traded, which were written entirely in cursive. He had impeccable penmanship. Not very metal, but a nice guy for sure. Now on to the pictures, which are so amazing that I'm surprised any camera was able to capture this much metal fury.

1. Where do you even buy gloves like this? You don't normally see a guy wearing this type of thing, just sitting back so casually bathed in the radiant Florida sun. Normally, he'd be in the woods of Norway, wearing make up. But this isn't a black metal band, so he's just very casual about it, as if saying "hey, so I have a studded leather glove. It's no big thing. Relax. Let's go to the beach"

2. Out of all the medieval weapons, the mace has always captivated the minds of metal heads. Again, his casual demeanor downplays the very metal object he's holding. This is Florida, after all, and there are other things to do and places to why sweat the fact that you're chillin' on a tank holding a medieval weapon? Chill, go get a tan. Young metal kids without his pedigree would be all gung-ho about. Not this guy. He's all "step aside kids, let me show you how a real metal pro holds his medieval weapon".

3. For real, do they even sell high tops like this anymore? Maybe he stockpiled in 1989 when they stopped making them.

4. Nice N' Easy's "Deep Auburn", a favorite hair color in Florida retirement homes.
5. Throwing the horns (while wearing a glove like this) when the picture is already so metal is almost insulting. It's like a soldier spitting on the corpse of the enemy he just shot down. I mean, jesus, we get it. You're super metal, but now you're just rubbing our faces in it! You know, there is such a thing as a bad winner.

6. Tasteful case of Rob Flynn's disease. Frosted tips, sweet necklace and facial hair. The music he plays may be metal, but this guy is all about the ladies. Hence, his use of Revlon's most popular highlight/frosting kit.

7. Again, note the casual demeanor here. Yes he's holding a medieval weapon, but it ain't no thang.

8. Actually, this guy's hair is pretty rad, so I can't even make fun of it. He's wearing a Terrorizer shirt from Blue Grape merchandise he's pretty much my hero.

1. Okay, someone learned how to use Photoshop or something. Let me rephrase that, someone owns Photoshop and doesn't know how to use it yet. But that has never stopped anyone in the past. Either that, or these dudes seriously own a tank and are firing it in the middle of Florida, which is probably illegal as hell. Do the authorities know about this? They may be standing on the tank very casually but a millisecond after, I think they all fell off the tank. Why? I'm no expert, but based on the footage I've seen of tanks firing, they always seem to move back about a foot due to the sheer force of whatever they are firing. So, these guys may look pretty sweet now, but quickly after this shot was taken they all ended up on the floor looking not so metal.

2. Wait, I think they do own this tank, and ARE in fact testing its capabilities. This is proof that the authorities DO know about it. Otherwise, how can you explain a full squadron of F-16s flying overhead doing surveillance?

1. I don't have anything new to say about this guy. I just wanted to point out his frosted tips again. His fashion idol is that dude from Crazytown. I also bet you anything that this is the face he makes when he bangs his 17 year old girlfriend in his mom's trailer.

2. Have you ever felt a bag of marshmallows after they melt from being out in the sun? That's probably what this feels like. But instead of a bag, the melted marshmallows are being held in place by a sleeveless bodysuit. So it's a little bit different. But not all that different.


  1. The amount of awesome captured in these photos just boggles the mind.

    I also noticed that if I was lucky enough to get a picture taken of me the very second I was firing my tank 2 feet from my head the look on my face would be closer to "Oh Shit, Aaahhhhhhh!!" while pissing myself than just chillin' with my mace.

    Balls of steel on these guys.

    PS: You are correct, the Jewfro is the pinnacle of radness.

  2. "this is the face he makes when he bangs his 17 year old girlfriend in his mom's trailer" ;-))

    ps. The lights of the tank are ON. That's the proof they really own it, and roam across the cities of Florida shooting small tactical nuclear weapons. So METAL!

  3. Amazing. The last picture truly sealed the deal. I mean... WOW. Nothing says "evil" like "comedy".

  4. you're right, the lights in the tank are in fact on. glen benton think's he's all cool with his upside down cross....these guys own actual tanks! they are way metal, but not afraid of a little benny hill-style comedy. they are such pranksters.

  5. These guys hail from the same podunk, retirement hell, suburb of Hollywood Florida that I grew up in. See Hollywood is jammed between Fort Lauderdale and Miami, making it much like an old gay man's taint. Other bits of awesmoness of Hollywood: Anna Nicole died there, Ratso Rizzo died there, the movie 'Bully' is set there, and the first season of COPS was filmed there. Hollywood (Florida) Pride!!!!

  6. I think they did a better job w/the F-16s than the tank's artillery blast. Remember people, Photoshop can be your friend.

  7. Has Pat kept Hellwitch running all this time?? Like 20 years of continuous obscurity? That alone would be impressive enough...

  8. this is the same as when black metallers mix medieval weapons and bullet belts, only taken a few steps further. plus, as any metal warrior knows, electronics can fail. maces can't.

  9. 20 years of obscurity. you're right. the man's gusto and moxie are something to behold. against all odds, he has kept the band going. even if they "made it", things wouldn't change i guess they do it for the love of metal. that or the tanks and medieval weapons.

  10. This kid who was so annoying in coral springs florida used to brag that he was in Hellwitch and he hung out at the Sebarro's in the mall everyday.

  11. Shame that mace is a flail, or a variant of a morning star. Just for those black metal weapon buffs out there!

  12. sometimes people ask me why i left florida.

  13. i have this album called "thrash metal attack",its a comp from 87,and it has a Hellwitch song on it that has the worst guitar tone ive ever heard in my life on a metal song. it sounds like playing thrash with the distortion set to 1 on a cheap 30 dollar practice amp made by jcpenney.