Hail to Spain, Hail to the Vuelta a España

In my ongoing effort to make people see how cycling is very metal, I've created yet another fake Mayhem record cover. This one features an image that was sent in by one of our readers. In case you're wondering, the badly translated name of this album is "this dude fell during a crit, and his bloody knuckles messed up his SRAM shifters." I ran it through an online Norwegian translator to make it even more kvlt. I know what you're thinking, I could have used one of those pictures of Jens Voigt after his crash..but that would be tasteless. I got to shake his hand and fawn over him this summer in Andorra...so now we are like best budz, and I won't do that to the man. Still, a reader requested it...so here it goes. The name of this album is "Jens Voigt busted his god damned face." If you don't get why these images are funny, perhaps you've never seen the original Mayhem record cover...or perhaps you think my sense of humor is horrible. I would certainly understand that too.

Okay, this is the official beginning of the post:

This past weekend, I found myself at a rather pleasant ice cream shop with Mrs. Lucho Metales and fellow MI staffer Gene Hoglan's Balls. Aside from being known for their delicious ice cream, this place is also known for having highly unusual toppings such as bacon, wasabi peas and salmon. Although I doubt that anyone actually gets these toppings, since they would probably taste horrible with any ice cream, the mere idea of it certainly ads to the charm of the place. When selling an out-of-town guest on the idea of going there, I'll say "they have great ice cream, and you can get wacky toppings like bacon." Friends are usually revolted by the idea, but then will say "sounds cool, let's go." Similarly, I know that many find the posts that have anything to do with cycling on this blog to be a bit like the bacon topping. Most of you dislike the mere idea of it...but I hope that they add to the charm of the place. Also, what else am I going to post about? Tom G. Warrior's appendectomy?

So why a post with a cycling picture? Because the Vuelta A España started on Saturday, the last of the three Grand Tours of cycling. On the one hand, this is sad news, because it means that the summer (and the pro cycling season) is almost over. On the other hand, it means that my Dark Angel and Celtic Frost long sleeve shirts will be making their first official appearances this year....a real highlight for me, and all the ladies in town who are no doubt amazed by my fashion sense. It also means I'll get to ride wearing those ridiculous lobster gloves, and will thus get made fun of some more by strangers. Still, this all gives us the opportunity to take a closer look at Spain's metal output once again...and no, I'm not just going to write about Baron Rojo and their receding hairlines. Like punching a baby in the face, it's just way too easy.




I'm also not going to make stupid cycling/music references that only two people in the world will get...that would be retarded. For example, I will NOT be pointing out how the drummer in Earth Crisis looks exactly like America's cycling semi-sensation Christian Vande Velde.



But seriously...don't they look exactly alike? They even have similar Coco Puff-like moles on their general nose areas. But anyway...what I'm here to do is to once again look at Spain's metal output, and I do mean look, since I'm certainly not going to take the time to listen to any of these horrible bands.




Question
What's the difference between this guy and the pile of dog shit he unknowingly just sat on?

Answer
The ill fitting t-shirt.

*As one of our readers pointed out...please notice the horribly stretched-out neck on this guy's t-shirt. Disgusting. Does he think he's in Flashdance?



Is this his best attempt at a cool metal pose for the picture on their album? No, this is the face you make, and the pose you hold when your venereal warts flare up.




Just look at his face, he knows that simply hitting that first chord in The Final Countdown can bring entire nations to their knees...so don't test him! He has a Korg X5D keyboard, and the sheet music to the entire Europe catalog...and he's NOT afraid to use it!




Inspired by the likes of Lacuna Coil, all young European bands are now forcing their nearly-attractive female cousins to join their bands. Due to a continent-wide shortage of Valtrex, these young women are often kept as slaves, and forced to sing for these bands in exchange for little more than a single dosage of the herpes medicine. On an unrelated note, please note the sweet eye make up on the guitar player. Alice Cooper? Juggalo? Black metal fan? We'll never know.




The all-brown outfit makes him look like the last shit I took. Check out his cigarrette, and the fact that he not only brought out his guitar, but also his guitar stand for this picture. This guy's middle name is: Commitment. His last name? That's easy: CreepyEuroRapist.




Speaking of creepy euro rapists...Andoni's hobbies include: polishing his throbbing, red, phallic guitar, and asking "you want to make sexy with me?" to unsuspecting American tourists. If said tourists respond with "no..get away from me you creepy euro", his hobbies will also include chasing them into their hostel and trying to seduce them by playing Joe Satriani riffs.




This is Juan's patented "I'm casting a spell on you" pose. Why do I get the sneaking suspicion that if these guys sang in English, the word "thrice" would be included somewhere in their lyrics? As in : "The fair maiden cast her spell upon me, not twice but thriiiice!"
Lastly, can you imagine how disappointed you must be as a parent when your son comes home wearing a fucking pirate shirt like this one? The day he wore this home for the first time after buying it at the goth/pirate/s&m shop, his parents probably exhaled with extreme sadness and said "we'll be in our bedroom...awaiting the sweet release of death."




The upside of starting a band in a small town in Spain is that you will be an instant demi-star within the local scene. The downside is that there is a lack of musicians to choose from. It's for that reason that you'll always end up having to ask the local janitor with a slight case of cerebral palsy to join the band. What other choice do you have? He's the only guy in town who owns a drumset! So what if he drools while he does a wicked blastbeat? Hey, you have to break at least one egg to make an omelet.





Nothing, and I do mean NOTHING says "extreme metal power" like practicing Pantera riffs through a Peavy practice amp with a 10" speaker.





Apparently, being insanely unatractive while tucking in your shirt and pulling your pants up until your genitalia burns in agony is not just for members of Mythic anymore.

An unrelated example of the same look, which we here at MI lovingly refer to as "Metal Mama" Jeans

Short But Sweet: Heaven and Hell Fan Freaks the Fuck Out

In case you missed this, here's a video of a fat, old, insane Heaven and Hell (Black Sabbath minus Ozzy Osbourne plus Ronnie James Dio) fan freaking the fuck out at a signing. This guy might be even more insane than SLAAAAAAAAYEERRRRRRRRRRR fan!

Metal Inquisition Hurts Mordred's Feelings

Mark this day in your calendar. Today is the day that Metal Inquisition has arrived. Well, the actual day happened sometime ago...but it was only today that we became aware of it. What am I talking about? I'm talking about the fact that the band Mordred's official blog is aware of our existence...and they are also aware of how insanely bad we think they are as a band. The post on their blog is a reaction to this post here at M.I. You can read their reaction here, or just read below. From their blog:

Someone hates Mordred

Now, I'm not one to post negative stuff about the band, past or present, but I've recently been sent a link from Mordred fan Ian Crocker, and am hoping that all Mordred fans will bombard the idiot's who printed the pointless article. Basically, it's a complete slag-off of Mordred, lacking understanding of the music and also tends to get a little personal, so if anyone out there in Mordred land wants to email these bunch of time-wasting cocks, get on board. I've been open to posting bads reviews etc, but this is just a joke.

Reading their take on my post, I went back and re-read my Thanksgiving Day masterpiece. By Metal Inquisition standards, the post was rather tame actually, but did feature some real zingers (if you allow me to give myself some credit.) But really, how could I not have been that brutal on Mordred? How could I pass that opportunity up? I mean, it's THEIR fault for sucking in such an unusual and groundbreaking way. If they had sucked as other bands did (like Heathen, Toxic or Gammacide) I would have pass them up for my Thanksgiving Day post. Flaunting your sucking abilities in front of me by putting out horrible music, and doing terrible interviews....it's like leaving an unlocked Rolls Royce Phantom with the keys in the ignition in front of a crackhouse, and then being surprised when you find out it's gone.

Perhaps the thing I love the most is that the guy's angry response includes a plea for their fans to email us, and respond in some way. As of today, there are no responses on their blog, or ours from fans. We have also not received a single email about this. Apparently, the three relatives that bought their records are no longer fans. Bummer. By the way, this is a picture of the guy who writes and takes care of their blog. No, I'm not kidding. This is really the guy:




Seeing a picture of this guy, is like seeing a rare bird in its natural habitat. His plumage alone is majestic! And look at that fancy shirt! It's as though four or five horrible fashion trends collided to create this gender-neutral beast. If his hair were black, I would almost be forced to use our beloved "elegant gothic aristocrat" label. See, to all of us who live in the western part of this planet, all British people seem aristocratic, particularly when they shop at the same wig store as Phil Spector. Okay, I will merely say this: Mr Mordred blog guy: the entire albino community of aristrocratic douchelords called. They want their wig back.Let's all celebrate this huge occasion by watching Mordered's idiotic take on music, race and culture once again. This video never gets old.

The ultimate turkey: Mordred

Today, in the good ol' US of A, it's Thanksgiving Day. For all of you who live elsewhere and may not know what Thanksgiving is all abut, I'll break it down for you. You are basically forced to go back home to see your family, where incredibly uncomfortable situations will take place due to the fact that you don't really get along with them. You want to get away from them, and go do something else...but your plans are usually stopped short because nearly all commerce is closed, and all your friends are in another city being miserable with their families.It's like christmas, but without the presents. Instead you just eat a whole lot, and often watch what is often refered to as american football.


The food usually consumed during this holiday is turkey, but I should tell you that "turkey" is also slang for a person or thing that is considered a failure, and thus undesirable. Now that we're all on the same page, I will tell you about the ultimate turkey. Mordred.


As soon as I began research for this piece, I realized just how insanely stupid and bizarre Mordred are. Why? Because they are still around, and they have gone from being the only prominent thrash metal/funk act, to being a renaissance festival themed band. I'm not even joking. Look at the photo below. They have managed to start sucking in an entirely different way, and managed to include their attire into their sucking strategy. Apparently they have now taken the name of their band literally, since Mordred is a character from the King Arthur legend. I guess. I'm so confused. If you want to see more, watch a video of them live here, or look at their official site here. Notice anything missing from this current Mordred line-up? Yup, they unloaded their DJ, DJ Pause, like he was dead weight.

Mordred today, after having somehow morphed from horrible pseudo funk, to horrible renaissance-themed metal...or something.

Back to Mordred as we knew them back in the day. Considered revolutionary by no one except themselves, Mordred stretched the bounds of music by managing to suck at two musical styles at the same time, metal AND funk...managing to sell dozens of records. Mordred was one of those exciting mistakes that happened at the Thrash Metal factory. They were an anomaly that should have been corrected, had all six sigma regulations been put into place. They were at best a factory second, a defect, a mutation that should have never seen the light of day, like those babies with eight heads and six eyes that die seconds after they're born. They were horrible at metal, and considered themselves to be a funk band due to occasional slap bass and the fact that they had a black DJ.

This is the cover of Mordred single "Esse Quam Videri", which is Latin for: "We make our DJ pose with malt liquor containers in all photo shoots"

Yes, that's a can of Olde English 800.

Members of the band attempted to seem open minded when it came to issues of race in interviews, I mean...they even wore Bad Brains shirts to prove their point! They also listed Living Colour as one of their favorite bands, so you know they meant business! There is one tourbling aspect about the band though, they always made their DJ pose with a container of Olde English malt liquor in band photos (See above). In doing so, the band single-handedly set back the clock on race relations by 35 years. For those of you outside the US who may not know what malt liquor is, much less Olde English, this is part of their Wikipedia entries:

Like many malt liquors, its relatively high alcohol content and low price make it popular among those on a tight budget wanting to become inebriated quickly. "Pour Some for the Homies" is often spoken during pouring a small amount of the top of a 'forty' on the ground, in recognition of deceased friends or relatives who were close.

As though it weren't bad enough that their DJ and his race were used as a novelty, and perhaps as a way of gaining minimal street cred, in one of their videos, they tastefully made him rap while he was dressed like a pimp. Yes, I get it...it's their amazingly hilarious take on 70's black culture...but god damn, couldn't they let the guy have some dignity? I'm surprised they didn't make him play basketball on film.



Until recently, I believed that Mordred's DJ was merely a prop borrowed from their record company's mail room. He was never interviewed, so I doubted he was even real. Not so. He's real! His name is/was DJ Pause, and wouldn't you know it...he has a Myspace page here. In his page, I found this picture of Mordred today (below). Apparently they've dissolved into what looks like an aging janitorial staff on their day off. Though this is basically the same line-up as the renaissance themed version of the band that is also active right now, this version features DJ Pause and the old singer. Please don't ask me to explain all this, because I have a headache just thinking about it. It's like in Back To The Future, when there's two Marty McFly's at the "Enchantment Under The Sea" dance. I found videos of both versions of the band, one with the old annoying singer and with a DJ, and one with the other singer dressed like a knight of some kind. Both version appear to exist at the same time. Are you confused yet?



Not surprisingly, Mordred's bass player Art also has a Myspace page. In his page he doesn't list an occupation, probably to keep the entire world from laughing about the fact that the guy who wrote and played on the song with these lyrics:

Go to work? Ha, no way
I see you work so hard
To pay your credit card
I see you bust your ass
To buy a new bus pass
So you can go to work
Like every other jerk

Now works the third shift at a machine shop, and is managed by a teenager half his age. Them's the breaks, as they say in the south. Check out the picture I found on his page, it leads me to believe he has turned into your average angry filipino who wears a see through shirts while suffering from late stage alcoholism.



Lastly, let's all enjoy the seminal moment in Mordred's career, documented in video format for all of us to enjoy. Listen to the depth of their comentary on music and culture. Turkey's served. Dig in!

Metal Inquisition's First Annual Caption Contest!

Go ahead and take your best shot! Earn yourself a place in Metal Inquisition history.

Best Interview Ever

I've tried to publish this post twice now and each time it deletes what I've written and I'm too lazy to type it all out again, so just watch this interview because it's hilarious and retarded and shot in someone's mom's basement and John Gelso sounds like a girl and looks like Peter Criss. Yet another reason why Black Metal bands should only ever be photographed in black in white and very low light and never inteviewed.

Chris Barnes: Stage Banter All-Star

Rare shot of Chris Barnes having a panic attack, after realizing that he doesn't make enough money to make the payments on his 1993 Toyota Tercel.

There was a time when Chris Barnes was taken half-seriously by some. That was before he started wearing JNCO jeans and track jackets. When you listen to his stage banter abilities (from his Cannibal Corpse days) you realize that the man was in fact a genius. Oh how the mighty have fallen.

Italian monk who looks like Lars Ulrich's dad starts metal band.

Italy isn't just about pasta, Catholic guilt, mafiosi and trains not running on time. Oh wait, it is. But aside from that, some cool things happen there from time to time. For example, an Italian Capuchin monk has started a metal band with some dudes that look like aging Limp Bizkit fans. You see, he was inspired after having seen Metallica live, which makes him one of only three people worldwide to have seen the band live in the last decade and not thrown up consistently for the subsequent 24 hours. I thought the only people Metallica ever inspired, were fat 15 year olds who picked up a bass and learned how to play "Orion". In case you're wondering, yes it's a monk...and not Lars Ulrich's dad.

In this picture we see Beardo-Papa Ulrich taking a quiet break from making his tiny son feel inadequate on film.

But wait. Before we get to the video of the monk rocking out...I should mention that Torben Ulrich actually has a band of his own. As it turns out, he's a semi-acomplished jazz clarinet player, who was taught how to play the instrument by Jazz great Sidney Bechet. So, perhaps he knew a little something when he told Lars to "delete that" regarding a new track Metallica recorded in the movie Some Kind Of Monster. You can read about Beardo Ulrich's band here. He's also some kind of artist (get it? A Metallica reference). Way better than Paul Stanley's work. Here's one of his paintings below. You can see more in his site.


Okay, enough about papa Ulrich. Here's the video of the metal monk.

Death Magnetic Approaching!

The release of a new Metallica album will always be an event for me. Yes, I know they suck. Yes, I know they've sucked for years now. I'm not ashamed to admit that they were my favorite band for most of my young adult life and maybe there is still a small part of me that hopes they will somehow recapture the magic of their glory days, but I don't believe in miracles. There's a morbid fascination/curiosty at work. Sometimes you can't help but look at things you know will repulse/scare/anger you. Like how you always slow down when approaching a car accident to observe the damage. Or like how you've clicked on the Goatse and Tub Girl jpgs a million times. There's some innate primal urge that draws us to these things and it is exactly that urge that fills me with anticipation for Metallica's upcoming new album, Death Magnetic. I cannot wait to hear all the shitty riffs, weak double bass, and embarassing lyrics. The awful cover art is certainly a good start.

two musical geniuses hard at work.

I don't know how Metallica can possibly top the shitstorm that was their last album, St. Anger. That album might just be the worst ever made. The drums that sounded like fucking garbage cans, the guitars that sounded Korn, no solos, and every song went on for what felt like days. Who can forget classic lines like "My lifestyle determines my deathstyle." If anyone can do it though, Metallica can. With each new album since the Black album they've managed to successfully lower the bar and I don't expect this new album to be any different. Keep in mind that Death Magnetic has been described as the missing link between ...And Justice for All and the Black album. Uh, yeah, I'm sure that'll be the case.

They just posted the track listing yesterday and there's some amazingly retarded titles. I'm really glad to see that they've decided to write a SECOND sequel to "The Unforgiven." Totally necessary. Hopefully they'll make another nonsensical video for it.

1. That Was Just Your Life
2. The End of the Line
3. Broken, Beat & Scarred
4. The Day That Never Comes
5. All Nightmare Long
6. Cyanide
7. The Unforgiven III
8. The Judas Kiss
9. Suicide & Redemption
10. My Apocalypse


They haven't set a release date for Death Magnetic yet, but it's supposed to come out sometime in September, which is right around the corner. To hold you over until then enjoy this compilation of sound clips that have been posted on the Mission Metallica website. The line "Suicide, I've already died!" sounds particularly promising.

Cycling And Metal. A Merchandise Marriage Made In Heaven.

In honor of the Tour De France (which started Saturday), Metal Inquisition is proud to bring you a fantastic line-up of products that are sure to both dazzle boggle the mind. What could metal and cycling have in common you ask? That's a perfectly good question actually, but the go-getters at the apparel company Primal Wear are not bothered by such trivial questions, and thank god for that.



I always thought that the hands on the Master Of Puppets cover (I guess those are the hands of "the master") were really awkwardly drawn. They look like a pack of hot dogs, with one cruved kielbasa on each side as a thumb. When they are put on a cycling jersey so close the the person's neck, they look even worse. It looks like someone is giving the person wearing it a massage. Or maybe the hands are trying to strangle the person for being such a douche and actually wearing this shirt.




Nothing says "winner" like Kiss spandex shorts. Let the world know you're a huge idiot, and that you're helping Gene pay for another addition to his 18,000 square foot home. Seriously, is there anything that Kiss wouldn't license? They already have coffins for god's sake. Dimebag Darrell was buried in one, by the way.






If Lance Armstrong had worn this jersey, I think he could have won 8 Tours instead of 7. Note to Eddie: use less hair gel.




I hope to god that those aren't rhinestones on the sleeve. It's like someone got drunk and went nuts with a Bedazzler.





And justice for all? No. There's no justice for the people that will have to look at the 38 year old fat load who's gonna wear this stupid shirt while ridding his cruiser bike on a suburban bike path. I remember being so mad at Metallica for screwing up their logo for this album. Little did I know back then just how much more stuff I'd have to be pissed at them for in years to come.



"RIDE the lightning", RIDE...get it? When you wear this shirt, you can ride as fast as lighting. Oddly enough, people who see you wear this shirt, will hope you get hit by lightning, and die a slow painful death...kinda like Metallica has.

Great moments in metal photography: Hellwitch

As a young kid, I was attracted to the world of metal due in large part to the dark and mysterious aura that seemed to surround it. Record covers were evil, the music was evil, and the band members were surely evil. I was not alone in believing this, since the media fully bought into it. Looking back, I don't know how anyone could have been afraid of metal, or metal band members. The photo shoot featured in this post shows just how sad metal really is. This is the real deal my friends. This is Hellwitch, and this shoot was done recently. As I've mentioned before in this blog, I used to trade videos through the mail with Pat from Hellwitch back in the day. Pat is the long haired guy in the sleeveless bodysuit. As metal as he may look, keep in mind that Pat would write me notes that went along with the videos we traded, which were written entirely in cursive. He had impeccable penmanship. Not very metal, but a nice guy for sure. Now on to the pictures, which are so amazing that I'm surprised any camera was able to capture this much metal fury.



1. Where do you even buy gloves like this? You don't normally see a guy wearing this type of thing, just sitting back so casually bathed in the radiant Florida sun. Normally, he'd be in the woods of Norway, wearing make up. But this isn't a black metal band, so he's just very casual about it, as if saying "hey, so I have a studded leather glove. It's no big thing. Relax. Let's go to the beach"

2. Out of all the medieval weapons, the mace has always captivated the minds of metal heads. Again, his casual demeanor downplays the very metal object he's holding. This is Florida, after all, and there are other things to do and places to see...so why sweat the fact that you're chillin' on a tank holding a medieval weapon? Chill, go get a tan. Young metal kids without his pedigree would be all gung-ho about. Not this guy. He's all "step aside kids, let me show you how a real metal pro holds his medieval weapon".

3. For real, do they even sell high tops like this anymore? Maybe he stockpiled in 1989 when they stopped making them.

4. Nice N' Easy's "Deep Auburn", a favorite hair color in Florida retirement homes.
5. Throwing the horns (while wearing a glove like this) when the picture is already so metal is almost insulting. It's like a soldier spitting on the corpse of the enemy he just shot down. I mean, jesus, we get it. You're super metal, but now you're just rubbing our faces in it! You know, there is such a thing as a bad winner.

6. Tasteful case of Rob Flynn's disease. Frosted tips, sweet necklace and facial hair. The music he plays may be metal, but this guy is all about the ladies. Hence, his use of Revlon's most popular highlight/frosting kit.


7. Again, note the casual demeanor here. Yes he's holding a medieval weapon, but it ain't no thang.

8. Actually, this guy's hair is pretty rad, so I can't even make fun of it. He's wearing a Terrorizer shirt from Blue Grape merchandise too...so he's pretty much my hero.





1. Okay, someone learned how to use Photoshop or something. Let me rephrase that, someone owns Photoshop and doesn't know how to use it yet. But that has never stopped anyone in the past. Either that, or these dudes seriously own a tank and are firing it in the middle of Florida, which is probably illegal as hell. Do the authorities know about this? They may be standing on the tank very casually but a millisecond after, I think they all fell off the tank. Why? I'm no expert, but based on the footage I've seen of tanks firing, they always seem to move back about a foot due to the sheer force of whatever they are firing. So, these guys may look pretty sweet now, but quickly after this shot was taken they all ended up on the floor looking not so metal.

2. Wait, I think they do own this tank, and ARE in fact testing its capabilities. This is proof that the authorities DO know about it. Otherwise, how can you explain a full squadron of F-16s flying overhead doing surveillance?





1. I don't have anything new to say about this guy. I just wanted to point out his frosted tips again. His fashion idol is that dude from Crazytown. I also bet you anything that this is the face he makes when he bangs his 17 year old girlfriend in his mom's trailer.


2. Have you ever felt a bag of marshmallows after they melt from being out in the sun? That's probably what this feels like. But instead of a bag, the melted marshmallows are being held in place by a sleeveless bodysuit. So it's a little bit different. But not all that different.

Ross Bay Workout Gear

Look at this fucking dork (a Euro, of course). He recently sold a Blasphemy Fallen Angel of Doom "weightlifter" shirt on eBay. According to the item description "This is OFFICIAL and years old, for the Blasphemy members and the bodybuilderSatanicSkinheads incrowd! I prefer to wear Hugo Boss so I'm selling this to a REAL man!!!"

1. First of all, who the FUCK are the bodybuilderSatanicSkinheads? I've heard of bodybuilders, Satanists, and Skinheads, but is there really a group combines all three of those subcultures?

2. Hugo Boss made some killer Nazi uniforms back in the day, but I'm not too into their contemporary designs.

3. It's obvious this puny fuck has never worked out a day in his life. Just look at those skinny arms. No biceps, no triceps, and he's desperately trying to stick out his non-existent pecs.

4. Posing in a ski mask with a knife doesn't make you look tough. Take your fucking thumb out of your pocket.

5. Posing in your white-tiled bathroom doesn't make you look tough either.

6. Unless you're a guido or an actual wifebeater you shouldn't be wearing a wifebeater.

"Comes as you see pic, good condition, some stains (no cum or sweat actually).. My body is not included, unless you're a cute girl or one of them little Tokio Hotel boys (send pics).."

What kind of desperate loser writes shit like this? I'm about as sure that this dude hasn't used this shirt as a cumrag as I am that he hasn't gotten further than second base with a cousin. Not surprised he's into teenaged German emo. Great rear pose. Please do some fucking pull-ups and shrugs for those pathetic delts and traps.