Chris Barnes: Stage Banter All-Star

Rare shot of Chris Barnes having a panic attack, after realizing that he doesn't make enough money to make the payments on his 1993 Toyota Tercel.

There was a time when Chris Barnes was taken half-seriously by some. That was before he started wearing JNCO jeans and track jackets. When you listen to his stage banter abilities (from his Cannibal Corpse days) you realize that the man was in fact a genius. Oh how the mighty have fallen.

Vengeance Rising's Roger Martinez: Stage Banter All-Star

In the world of super annoying human beings, Vengance Rising's Roger Martinez needs no introduction. We have examined his insanely annoying antics before, and now you can see how they translated into his stage persona. As you watch this, remember that he went on to became a satanist, and offered free records to people in the military who would wage war on christians. Forget the GI Bill, pay them with Vengance Rising records!

Wild Man...Wild!

Unbelievable stage banter (audio only) from black metal's leading idiot Cronos. No music here...just the mind of a genius at work. The audio is from a 1986 show that Venom played in New Jersey's City Gardens with Black Flag.

Years later, Henry Rollins (then singer of Black Flag) would go on to write about this show in one of his books. From Wikipedia:

Venom used portable fans to keep their hair flowing while on stage. "It was like seeing Spinal Tap ... I expected them to go into 'Sex Farm' at any second." Rollins writes that he and some tourmates drew magic marker pentagrams on their hands to flash at Venom and offer “Hail Satan” salutes. For their final number, Venom asked the audience to chant what Rollins thought was “Black Funky Metal”, which briefly made Rollins suspect that he had overlooked Venom's sense of humor, until he realized Venom was actually saying “Black Fucking Metal.”

You may recognize the "Wild man... wild!" sample that the Beastie Boys used on the song "Mark On The Bus". Listen and be amazed.

"I know Satan, I know evil...for Nicolas Cage is my father"

Call me elitist, but when I think of all the types of upbringings that could contribute to someone getting deeply into metal...growing up in a mansion in the Hollywood hills doesn't exactly come to mind. Yes, this is indeed Nicolas Cage's son, and his band Eyes Of Noctum will be putting out an album in early 2009. Watch the video below and you'll see a future stage banter all-star in the making. I think he took lessons in stage banter at a wrestling school, and his look is basically a complete lift from Phil Anselmo's black metal years, which itself was a stolen look from more legit black metalers. As such, this kid's entire life and look amounts to a game of black metal telephone...and by the time things got to him, they were sadly distorted. I mean just look at all those damn rings on his fingers. The guy is like the pseudo-black metal Liberace.


Also, note that rather than giving himself a metal name, he uses his "real" name....Weston Cage. I say "real" because Cage is a last name his father made up early in his life as an actor in order to not be automatically recognized as being Francis Ford Coppola's nephew. Weston, seems to have no issue with this. Still, I'm sure he wishes his dad had given him a cool first name like "Satano-Destructo"...why not? He just named his last kid Kal-El.

I think its nice that his parents paid for him to get that chinese hair straightening. Also note that at the end of the video, he gets in a limo with his mom. Very metal.

This is what happens when your parents pay to have your publicity photo taken. Evil, yet brooding and sexy. Nice mix champ.

Paul Stanely: Stage Banter All-Star

The entire Metal Inquisition staff is committed to finding the very best in stage banter for the enjoyment of all our readers. As such, it was only a matter of time before we put together a multi-media presentation to share the magic that is Paul Stanley on stage. Listen and be amazed by his effeminate antics, his homoerotic commentary and his vaudeville-style black accent. Even if you are not a Kiss fan, this one is a must. Enjoy.

S.O.D.'s Billy Milano: Stage Banter All-Star

When the Encyclopedia Britannica finally gives Anthrax some respect and grants them a full entry, S.O.D. will be a footnote on that entry. Billy Milano and M.O.D. would be a footnote upon that footnote. The guy is a footnote on a footnote. Having said this, we must give him props for being a stage banter genius. Listen/watch and be delighted.

"We are firmly interested in raging after the show!" Exodus' Paul Baloff—Stage Banter All-Star

Paul Baloff, Exodus frontman (who also sang in Hirax and Piranha) passed away in 2002. Luckily for all of us, he left behind a fantastic legacy of stage banter that puts him up there with some of the best.

Metal Inquisition grafix designers have teamed up to create the video below, which serves as a fine example of Baloff's genius. Enjoy.




I expect full credit for being tasteful and not using the "aneurysm" tag. He died of a stroke you see.

"Yes Indeed, You Are Possessed By Satan Indeed"

The singer of the black metal band Inquisition seems to be doing his very best to show the world that black metal is not scary, but rather populated by well behaved, kind young men that you can bring home to meet your parents. I've never heard anyone talk about Satan in such a nice tone. Listen to this guy, he sounds like a waiter at a frou-frou French restaurant. Maybe this is just further proof that black metal has lost any edge it ever had (for further proof, see image below). Oh well.


ps: So the band has been around since 1988 which is a long time, but to call their show an "ancient ritual" is overselling it a bit...don't you think?

Slayer Fans. Then And Now.

Maybe I'm an old fart, but I've started to miss the days when people that called themselves "metal fans" didn't look so much like juggalos. This development, by the way, can be traced directly to the rise in popularity of Ozzfest, Cradle Of Filth, and Sepultura's musical output after "Arise". Since when did metal fans start wearing crap like this?


Anyway, I was unable to find footage depicting exactly the type of metal fan I'm talking about. You should still watch the videos below and see the difference in fans that Slayer had back then, versus now. Yes, the current fans are funnier...but also more annoying.

Then
The intro to this video includes some fantastic Exodus stage banter.Please disregard the dope who is seig heiling. Note the elderly black man in the mix. Note the guy who says "Venom rules!" with a mullet and a dirstache, as well as the blond dude with a Raven shirt who screams "upstate mothafucka!"



Now
Please watch the second video all the way to the end. Surprise ending.

Bruce Dickinson Feels Strongly About Driver Safety

If I could build a time machine, I would only use it once. I would use it to go back in time and hear the pitch meeting where this commercial was first conceived.

"So you see, they are this heavy metal band...the singer has great bangs and a snaggletooth. The kids love them. In the commercial they can reference their zombie-like mascot Eddie. It will be a hoot!"

Internal Bleeding: We have some tapes for sale, some fuckin' hats.

As the inventors of wigger slam metal,* I love Internal Bleeding with every fiber of my being. But it's not just their music that I like, because wigger slam metal isn't just a genre of music, it's a way of life. It's the words you use, the friends you choose, the way you walk down the street like a fucking hardass because you're listening to Dying Fetus on your cassette Walkman and you feel invincible, it's in every fucking beat of your heart.

Anyway, here is a vintage clip of Internal Bleeding from 1994. If you weren't around back then, you might not know what it was like to be part of the emerging wigger slam scene. You might want to pay close attention to Frank Rini's stage banter because it might as well be the blueprint for what it means to be a slam wigger.

"Thanks a lot for hangin' around, man. Cool fuckin' shit. This is a fuckin' new song. We have some tapes for sale, some fuckin' hats. You fuckers. Fuckin' we're all here to have a good fuckin' time so let's tear this fuckin' place up."



* You can't really credit Suffocation with inventing wigger slam because they actually had black people in the band- I know Internal Bleeding did too but it doesn't really count since he was only on the demo