Sacred Reich

What a swell looking bunch of guys. In 1991 I thought Sacred Reich were superstars, who probably toured in fancy double-decker bus. In reality, they looked like child-molesters traveling around the country in this horrible wood-paneled monstrosity. Nice trench coat, oh...and nice Hustler magazine in the back as well (under the speaker.)

This post is kind of long. I understand if you don't want to read it, or if you hate the stuff I post....but do me a favor. If you are not going to read it, at least watch the video at the end of the post. For real. You'll thank me. Okay, now let's get started:

Sacred Reich used to be one of my favorite bands back in the day. I was always drawn to pseudo-political bands within the realm of metal. As I've said many times before, I grew up in South America, I grew up during a time when extreme violence was a daily occurrence. As a result, songs about devils and satan never seemed all that scary to me. Everyday reality, and the things that actual humans (not demons with tails and horns) were doing around me were far scarier and very real. Perhaps for that reason, bands that talked about actual situations seemed cooler to me. In retrospect, the views that such "political" bands put forth were half-baked, idiotic and in keeping with their age and level of education...but back then they seemed so damn profound to me.

Check Phil out, 548 pounds ago. I always loved the cholo graffiti writing they used in their records. It gave them a certain edge over bands like Toxic. They also had that cool mascot. You can read more about the macot here. Man, if guys that looked like this had gone to my high school, I would have had huge man-crushes on them (in a very hetero way, dont get me wrong). Check out how Phil and Wiley (what a name) are posing the exact same way...even the angle of their feet is the same.

As good as they were, they fell victim to the classic thrash metal trap. They wrote the required "goofy song". In their case, the song was called "31 Flavors", and was meant to teach us about how we should listen to all kinds of music..but mostly Red Hot Chilli Peppers. The lyrics alone are enough to make you dry-heave for a few hours. Note the awful sexual double entendre. Even Dave Mustaine had to cringe upon hearing it, and he's the guy responsible for the most cringe-inducing lyrics ever. Remember his sexual opus Mechanix?


Vanilla is smooth
chocolate is kickin'
strawberry is sweet
all deserve a hearty lickin'
have em all
three scoops piled high
variety is the spice of life
Well you can have soft serve
and hard sugar cones
root beer floats
or my banana split
do you like nuts
or some sticky whip creme
come lick it off
and be my dairy queen
I love the Chilis
freaky, uplift, mother's milk

If you haven't listened to the song before, here it is. Again, get ready for major douche-chills.





So what happened to these musical and political geniuses over the years? Has time been kind to Sacred Reich? Hell no. Phil looks like a cross between a fat little league coach and Fred Flintstone. What can you do...time does that to you. Dark Angel was right. Time Does Not Heal. Apparently, it just makes you fat. They have a MySpace page, but I think it's way more fun to look at their official site, which is hosted by the one and only Angel Fire. Check it out. It was put together by Wiley himself.

Note the heavy crease on his neck as a result of being fat and having gravy running through his veins.

So over time, they may have deteriorated. What can you do. I pretty much stopped caring about Sacred Reich after "Independent", which is when they embarked on some lame pro-pot tour sponsored by NORML. I was bummed about them doing that tour back then, I'm not sure why. What can I tell you....to say I've had an overactive super-ego from a young age would be an understatement.

This picture hung on my wall for many years. Check out Barney's sweet Zubas.

Around the time that Sacred Reich went out on the "legalize it" tour, I bought my brother a sweet Sacred Reich shirt for his birthday. I believe I've written about this before, but I'll mention it again. He wore it to school on the day of his birthday, and got into bad car accident on his way back home from school. He got blood all over the shirt. I was bummed about the crash, but also about the shirt. The back of the shirt had a Socrates quote, "The unexamined life is not worth living." I'm incredibly ashamed to admit this, but I'll tell you anyway. I have actually quoted Socrates to really smart people before, and I only know the quote because of that shirt. So even though I could make fun of Sacred Reich for ages, and mock them (and I often do), I have to thank them because they made me feel cool in a group of smart people. Perhaps they weren't impressed, but I was certaily pleased with my use of the quote. Thank you Phil Rind!

Say what you will about Sacred Reich, but how many bands will help you quote Socrates at a dinner party?

Oh by the way, do you remember how Lemmy had a Sacred Reich patch on his denim jacket back in the early 90s? It was a Sacred Reich patch, but he only had the part that said "Reich"? He always talked about how he was a collector of WWII Nazi stuff, but always cleared up that he was not racist or a nazi. I get it, and I understand how this is possible...but walking around with a "Reich" patch on your jacket and a Nazi officers cap is kind of a douchy thing to do, to put it mildly. No? Come to think of it, Sacred Reich is kind of a messed up name for a band. I mean, it could easily be the name of a white power band, you know? Perhaps that's what first attracted Lemmy to the patch. I know many of you think Lemmy is rad, and everything he does is amazing, and perfect....and you probably think the Cocoa Puffs on his face are sexy...but come on. Damn it.




Okay, let's get back to Sacred Reich. I will now leave you with the best bit of Sacred Reich material available on the interweb. This is an excerpt of the Sacred Reich DVD, and its a winner for sure. This clip is filled with amazing treasures, because it's a perfect time capsule of the era. I won't even try to comment on it, or point out things about it. Just please watch the whole thing and enjoy it. Please. If you are too young to know what metal shows were like in 1991, this should give you a pretty good idea.

Tom Araya officiall hits the wall. Wall reports severe pain as a result of being hit so hard, is left whimpering.

Good god, just look at Tom. Mary mother of jesus and baby jesus...this guy is old. I applaud him for embracing his old age by growing a crazy Jesus beard....but for god's sake, could he please embrace his old age on his own time, and in the privacy of his own home? Look, I know we're all headed in that direction (fat and old) but to rub it in our faces is a bit rough. Remember when members of Slayer looked like this:



and not like this:

It's this kind of pushing that will give you severe hemorrhoids. Ten dollars go out to anyone who can find his neck.

Is anyone else reminded of a bundle of white sage when they look at Kerry King's stupid beard thing? White sage is this crap that hippies burn at yoga studios. I'm glad that Kerry is getting in touch with his spiritual side via eastern philosophy. By the way, white sage looks like this:



But back to that old picture of Mr. King. Minus the belly shirt, that picture would lead you to believe that he was actually an alright guy back then (even if he was playing with Megadeth at the time). The second picture, I must admit, makes me want to sharpen my machete and start swinging. Now, I know what your saying "hey dude...how can you say that the first picture of Kerry is cool, belly shirts aren't cool!" Well, you are partially right. I mean, belly shirts are NOT cool, but they ARE metal. How can I prove it? By showing you a second picture of an important metal figure (at least to some) rocking a fantastic belly shirt. Enjoy.

Oooh lah lah...so sexy, all that's missing is a nice belly chain

Sheesh, for all the complaining that black metal dorks did back in the day about Anthrax ruining metal with their "shorts and skateboards", these guys surely dressed like they were ready for a day at the beach. What's that I see in the background...Pungent Stench? Godflesh...wow, nothing but the most obscure black metal for this beach bum. Surf's up! Also, look at his awful facial hair. He said he was super evil, but he was clearly influenced by Mexico's comedic actor Cantinflas. Cantinflas was pretty much the opposite of evil. Judge for yourself.




One last Slayer note. I'm sorry to post this again, but it never ever gets old. At least not to me.




Still want more? Okay. How about a depressing video of Slayer covering "Born To Be Wild". The song is terrible, but the video is of some interest because it's about the only time that Tom's bass has ever been heard. Listen to his pointless clanging about :25 into the video.

Special Superbowl Post: Shane Embury and Chris Kemoeatu, one and the same?

Are Napalm Death's Shane Embury and Steelers offensive guard Chris Kemoeautu be the same person? You may think I'm stupid for even bringing this up, but allow me to elaborate.

Look, I've seen Napalm Death live five or six times during my lifetime. NOT ONCE was Chris Kemoeautu there at the same time as Shane Embury. They are NEVER at the same place at the same time. Why is that? I'm telling you, they're the same person! So if you're going to watch the Superbowl this weekend, keep an eye out...I bet you won't see Shane Embury there. Coincidence? I think not.



For all our non-American readers, the Superbowl is a large sporting event where football is played. Not that other kind of football, American football. It's a sport where guys that look kinda' like Dino Cazares hit each other and make lots of money.

One last point about Shane Embury...is there no justice in this world? Aside from being an absolutely hideous, and horrendously fat human being...life has just dealt him another blow. He's now bald. Ugh.

What will they think of next?

I am sometimes hesitant to include much information about my private life here at Metal Inquisition. Why? Because I feel that my opinion as an authority in all things metal could be harmed should the masses know more about me, and how I roll. You may have heard that this is one of the key criticisms about The Economist that many people have. Most articles are not credited in that magazine, so no one knows who wrote them. Similarly, for all you know, I may live in a trailer park and drive a Delorean.


I could also be a fatty, emo, gangsta', goth, gender neutral thing...you never know.


So, against my better judgment I will now let you into my private life. I will now tell you something about myself, and here it is: I own a dog. My dog is a fantastic part of my life, and I love her very much. I usually behave rather idiotically when I'm around her, and some people probably get embarrassed and cringe when they see how I talk to her. Now that you have a clearer picture as to just how big of douchebag I am, I can share this new line of products that recently surfaced on the interweb. I can also tell you that even though I'm an asshole, and I like my dog way too much...I still think this is an idiotic line of products...and anyone who buys these deserves a long, painful death. What am I talking about? Garmutt, metal clothing for dogs of course!




The company is owned by one of the guys from Dillinger Escape Plan, apparently. Good for him, I guess he's trying to come up with some sort of back up plan for his failed musical gravy train, but this project will fail also. How can it not? I'm probably one of about eight people on earth who is a total idiot about their dog AND likes Metallica (kinda'), and I'm not willing to buy this crap...that means that a grand total of seven people worldwide are left as potential customers.

Look at that dog's face, that's how I looked after having heard the newest Metallica album too.

On a similar note, there's also metal clothing for kids and babies now. Why? Think back to when you were a kid, would you have liked it if your parents made you wear ABBA, Rod Stewart or Engelbert Humperdinck clothing? Personally, I would have hated it, and rightfully so. That was their musical taste, not mine. Why on earth do metal individuals think its any different for them now that they're parents or pet owners? Your dog may hate Metallica (he/she probably does actually), and your kid probably hates them also. You know how you hated it when your mom made you dress up, and take off your Maiden shirt back in the day? I know I did. Every metal kid I knew back then swore up and down that they would never become the opressor. Now we're all older, and look what's happening. Damn it all to hell.



Okay I get it, you're a hip, cool dad and you feel that you want to dress your kid accordingly. You're way different from the lame suburban dads with Volvo and Subaru station wagons. You're not a yuppie who drinks Starbucks coffee ans shops at REI. Well good for you, but here's a thought...it's a baby, not a godamn doll for you to dress up you stupid asshole. Babies should dress like babies, for the same reason that as adults we don't dress as babies, and for the same reason that a 5 year old girl in high heels would look creepy and depressing. Stop pushing your beliefs, particularly your musical beliefs onto poor defenseless creatures. As if the horrors of Abu Ghraib and Guantamo weren't enough, now Americans have found a new way to distinguish themselves by acting like jerkoffs in a whole new way.

To all of our readers who are lucky enough to live outside the U.S., I hope you don't have this type of stupidity going in in your countries. If you don't, however, I must warn you. Brace yourself, because it's coming. Just like Baywatch, other places around the world will first write it off as a lowbrow American invention with no value...and then every country will buy into it. If anyone thinks I'm going overboard, and that this is just clothing for babies and dogs, you're wrong. Think of me as the first person that spoke out when the holocaust began. Now who feels like an asshole? Not me.

My Life with Danzig—A Photographic Journey

If you're anything like me, you probably still remember a time when Glenn Danzig wasn't an absolute joke. Okay, he was always a bit of a douche, but perhaps we were all too young to notice. I'm not sure. Whatever the case may be, if you're roughly my age, you probably remember the ongoing arguments about who would win in a fight between Danzig and Henry Rollins....or between Danzig and grizzly bear for that matter. That was before we figured out that Danzig is only 5' 2", and that his slight musculature was actually not impressive at all. Those were simpler times. Today, we've seen the light. With said light, we've noticed who Danzig fans are, and we've noticed that the people who play Danzig riffs on YouTube look like this:



Note the title of the video, which you can watch here. Also notice the fire extinguisher on the wall. That's because his shredding is so hot, he could easily set to place on fire. What the hell is that poster behind him all about? Is it a chart depicting the top ten ways to make women repulsed by you? If so, he's really applying himself. Good for him.

I'm tempted to say that we were all much cooler back in 1992 than this guy is now.But I'm afraid we weren't. As I've stated before, if YouTube had been around back then, some unbelievable footage would exist of me doing some insanely embarassing things (like playing along to Rush songs on the drums, or least trying to). Having said that, this guy (on the video) is old enough and should know better.

Anyway, I remember watching the Danzig home videos with my brother back then, and not totally laughing at them. We certainly thought the videos were odd and a bit silly, but we didn't die laughing when he talked in great detail about how an E-chord is incredibly evil, or when he shared his collection of books with us. The fact that we didn't die of laughter should serve as proof that we were both huge douchebags ourselves. It's with that mindset that I now present to you the following compilation of Danzig imagery. Maybe for a future post I will scan the picture of me and Danzig when I was 14. For now, enjoy these.

I thought these mesh shirts with fake tattoos on them were reserved for tubby Jersey guidos who go to clubs and hit on old chicks, while telling them stories about "the good old days." Oh wait...nevermind.

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Oink Oink.

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Oink, oink.
Since he's fat like a pig, I think it was a smart decision for him to put his name on the product everyone's been asking for, Danzig ham. To be fair, like Glenn himself, Danzig brand ham was way better in the early 90s, the quality of the product has dropped significantly since then, while the fat content has risen.

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Few things worth noting:
1. His bangs are teased up like a mall-goer circa 1986



2. Look at his chest area. Dude has straight up hooters.

3. He looks like a Muppet.


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Now famous image of Glenn washing his car after some dudes threw poo on it or something (you can search for the story on the Google, I'm sure). Perhaps the saddest thing about this image is that after all these years in the biz, all the guy can afford is a Jaguar XK.



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Don't you love the sassy pose on this illustration? I love how his left hand is on his hip, as though he's saying "Oh no you didn't!"



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Perhaps one of the most revolting moments ever committed to tape was when Glenn shared his book collection with us. I love how he tried very hard to sound deep during the whole thing. You have to give it up to Danzig though, the guy was ahead of his time when it came to being on screen with his shirt off. He was like the metal world's Matthew McCononaughey back then (in stupidity, annoyinigness, as well as all-out shirtlesness. According to spell check, I just made up two words).


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Another image that was requested by one of our readers. Danzig's bald spot. Makes sense that a guy old enough to have a bald spot would be buying comic book artwork of some kind at a convention. The tiny, evil man-child lives on.


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Another image that has done the internet rounds, I know, but it's still kinda' funny to me.

Wolverine gloves + mesh shirt + huge beltbuckle = WINNER.

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Per a reader's request, you can watch the video of Glenn falling off stage here. It happens at 4:09. Look at the screen shot from that video. I think he's due to give birth in like two weeks.

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I had to include this screen grab of the video where Glenn got knocked the hell out, for the sake of being thorough. I don't know that I can add anything else about this image that has not already been said. Watching an overweight man who is 5'2" and in his late 40s getting smacked around is just a bummer.



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This is not a high quality image, and Glenn is very small in the picture...I know, but look at Glenn's gut, his man boobs and his face. Priceless. He looks like he's taking a huge dump. By the way, I'm sure all his roadies are thrilled about having to carry his stupid styrofoam skulls and daggers around the whole country so he can play in front of dozens of people in places like Green Bay.



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If it wasn't for the fact that Glenn dresses like a 19 year old at a comic book convention, he could be the guy that just installed my new windows. Same hairline, that's for sure.



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Peek-a-boo, we see you and your leotard bodysuit.

Fat tub of goo sings Dimmu Borgir, world rejoices

The best parts are when he brings the mic close to his mouth and all you hear is his singing. He looks like he's made out of ice cream cake. Could he be related to this all time M.I. favorite?



You be the judge. Watch and enjoy.

Shitty metal logos get props from the shitty design community

We all know what fags designers are, right? Fashion designers, industrial designers (I know they sound tough, but they aren't) and, of course, graphic designers. Graphic designers are the dickless shits responsible for the UPS trucks being that ugly-ass brown and for those uber-gay ipod ads. Yeah, yeah, you're cool. You know how to push a few buttons in some crappy Adobe program and you think you are better than the rest of us. I know a few graphic designers here and there and, believe me, they actually think that what they do is important. I'm not kidding. With the exception of actors, graphic designers are the most narcissistic, arrogant, big headed, proud, conceited, immodest, vain, self-important, self-satisfied, self-righteous and self-involved people in the planet. Don't believe me? Go to a bookstore and check out the graphic design section. There are hundreds and hundreds of books by designers for designers about design. They think that what they do is so vital that the world needs book after book about design. In reality, they just wanna make themselves feel better about sitting in front of an over priced ibook making pretty pictures all day.

One of these books caught my eye recently and it illustrates just how out-of-touch these black-turtleneck-wearing fags really are. The book is called "BAND ID- The Ultimate Book of Band Logos". Wow! We're lucky it's the ultimate one. See? Even in their book titles they exaggerate their importance. Anyway, this collection was put together by this dude named Bodhi Oser. He's basically a hippie looser from Venice Beach, who wouldn't last a second in a serious Biohazard pit. So, what does he know about metal? Nothing, but the combination of his ignorance and his self-righteousness make for a funny-ass book.

I know the pics are blurry and crappy, but I "borrowed" the book from this dude in my office while he was in the crapper, so I was short on time, y'know?




I can see why designers would like this logo. It's sorta symmetrical and shit, but that "L" looks like an "S" with down syndrome. I still can't get over the thought of some trendy faggy designers sitting around a conference room table discussing whether or not the Death Angel logo would "make the cut". It's just fucking preposterous.




I always loved the Anthrax logo. I'm not sure why. Maybe 'cuz it's not symmetrical, like the other thrash metal logos of the time. The Nuclear Assault logo is chuck-full-o-horribleness. I find the "E" and the double "SS" offensive on grounds of really bad typographical balance.


Emperor and their shitty logo, with skinny Ethiopian letters, can suck my balls. So can Mortiis. I'm sure he did the logo himself. God, it's as terrible as his "music". On a more positive note, Death's logo is bad-ass. Sure, the "T" is three times thicker than the rest of the letters, but it's a cross! Upside-down? Not really. It's a mystery, just like why the band started to suck shit after Leprosy. I love the Napalm Death logo, simply because it's obvious the original was rendered by a 16 year old using a ball-point pen.



Obituary and Venom are two of the radest logos in the book and they share a page! Wait, maybe the author knew something about metal after all... Nah, beginner's luck.



BARF! This whole page is shit. The Moonspell logo would be cool if the letters were fatter and more manly, but I guess that's something black metal knows nothing about, huh? My Dying Bride's logo looks like Micheal J. Fox drew it.



Cradle of Filth and Hatebreed suck, fuck'em. I probably stand alone here, but I love Pungent Stench, therefore my judgement on their logo is biased. I have the Been Caught Buttering t-shirt and I wear it all the time to this very day.



Hahaha! Overkill shares the page with a whole bunch of other shitty bands!



Morbid Angel's logo has probably won multiple awards in the design community as the shittiest logo in history. And that probably included the "logo" from "Tacos Pedrito", a tiny taqueria by my house. God, look at that "A"! It's as painful as their music! The "G" holding the pitchfork has to be the worst use of a letter form since cuneiform was invented in 3000BC.
Dark Throne's looks like it was done in ink and they left it outside when it was raining. In a Norwegian forest, of course.




I like Entombed's logo and I think Carcass' looks like a used tampon. The Chasm, Usurper and Hate Eternal's logos were designed to give Morbid Angel's a run for it's money. Congrats guys, you almost made it.



I don't know what to say about this page, other than: WTF!? Municipal Waste? I'm pretty sure Seth Putnam never thought that his retarded doodles of assholes and vaginas would end up in a book about logos. Hmmm... Nox needs to... I don't know what they need to do, but whatever it is it should be funny and make them disappear. Forever.



The only good thing about the Scorpions logo is that I could re-create it on my shitty PC as a kid by just using a pre-loaded font. Other than that this page is pretty rad. Maiden, Priest, Annihilator and Testament. Solid bands, solid logos.


If I had real testicles when I was 15, all 3 of these logos would be tattooed on my body. Thank God I didn't grow balls until I was 20! Well, I don't think the Obituary tattoo is much better.



Another 3 logos I'd tattoo on my body. The Exodus one is a little weak, 'cuz the "E" and the "S" are all slouched, but it's still pretty metal. Kreator and Destruction logos adorned every other page in my notebooks in school for years.



I'm not sure what to make of the little bat flying over the Kind Diamond logo, but other than that KD's is a classic logo and, like their music, way better than Merciful Fate's. I know I'm gonna get the typical "you don't know what you're talking about, MF rule." blabber. Save it, MF sucks.



You know what doesn't suck? Slayer logos. It's tough to judge the logo of such an awesome metal band without allowing their awesomeness get in the way of your judgement, but the sword pentagram is SO bad-ass that just drawing it makes you more metal. The newer one they used on "Seasons" sucks. It's basically a font. It's called Ironwood. It fucking sucks.


Hmmm... I guess this is as good a time as any to tell you all that I'm a graphic designer