Cleaning out the Metal Inquisition Archives

I was looking through the Metal Inquisition YouTube account, and realized that a few videos I uploaded were never published.

First up, Barney from Napalm Death showing he's got mad skillz on the mic:




This next one came from one of the many Betamax tapes that are currently housed in the Metal Inquisitions library (a shelf in my basement). It features Kirk Hammet's mustache, and other members of Metallica circa 1991 talking about their new stage set up, and how revolutionary it was. It's as though they invented the cure for polio.




Lastly, we have German (Update: I guess they are actually Swiss. I'm a poser) thrashers Coroner, talking about how innovative their music was, and then telling us super hilarious stories about how "incredibly bizarre" their bus driver is. Hold on to your hats folks, this story is absolutely zany!

Metal Archeology: What my bedroom looked like in 1991

For most of my life growing up, my brother and I shared a room. This was great for many reasons, but the most important was our ability to share resources, thus allowing us to have a killer poster collection. Rummaging through old pictures the other day I found the shot you see above. This picture was taken in the room that my brother and I shared back in 1991, and is a fair representation of where we were musically at the time. While the picture does not show the poster collection at its peak (barely its infancy really) it still shows what I was into then, mor or less. Before you judge me though, please give me a chance to explain some of the items you see on the wall. To give you an idea of where things stood back then, allow me to tell you the following about when this picture was taken, 1991:


- Beverly Hills 90210 was just starting its second season
- Slayer's Decade Of Aggression had not come out yet
- Metallica's Black Album was only about a month old
- Entombed had just released Clandestine
- Anthrax had just stopped wearing shorts
- The Soviet Union had just broken up
- Napalm Death had just released Harmony Corruption
- Pantera was still touring for Cowboys From Hell
- Morbid Angel had just released Blessed Are The Sick
- More than three people in the United States still knew who Arsenio Hall was
- Death's Human had just come out

Now that you have a better picture of where things stood back then, feel free to read on.




1. If you were as awesome as I was growing up, you probably had sweet posters of cars in your room. Although not as cool as the Lamborghini or Ferrari posters I had, this Porsche 911 one was still pretty rad.

2. By 1991, I knew Metallica was dying. The black album had just come out, stunk up the place, and yet I had trouble letting go. I thought Sad But True was an okay song...but disliked the whole thing right away. I hated Kirk's mustache, Lars rolling up the sleeves on his tshirts, and James' mullet. I also hated kids who I hated in school suddenly wearing Metallica shirts. It was around this time that I knowingly had a severe kneejerk reaction against popular metal bands in big labels. I took great pride in listening to faster, heavier music on smaller lables. I was young, and thus got a great kick out of naming bands no one had ever heard of. "Oh, you don't know about Dorsal Atlantica? Let me fill you in" I would say to random kids who could not have cared less. I believe that the reason for this huge poster hanging on the wall is that it was so rare that I could get my hands on a proper poster, rather than simple pages torn out of magazines. With Metallica's rise in stardom, came their rise in availability...suddenly kids like me were left to hang Metallica posters that they could get for free in record stores like Miami's then famed Y&T Records. That store was a godsend. You could go there, and easily walk out with crazy black metal 7"s, Morbid Angel demo tapes..it was great. I guess I was still trying to remember the Metallica I knew from years prior.

3. Slayer Live Undead poster, purchased from a street vendor in South America. All the small posters that my brother and I bought from this guy were laminated, as though you'd want to use them as placemats while you ate your breakfast.

4. Print ad for the Michigan Death Fest in 1990. The line-up for the fest was pretty rad and included Morbid Angel AND Morbid Saint, Sacrifice and Nuclear Death I think. If I remember correctly, two members of Morbid Saint can be seen wearing shirts for this fest on one of their records.

5. Ugh, another Metallica picture. Again, I remember listening to much more Entombed and Obituary back then...but I guess the Metallica pictures lingered on for a bit.

6. My cool Misfits shirt, which I made in Mr Delpino's art class. I also made the Morbid Angel shirt which I posted about before, and a D.R.I. shirt. Mr Delpino was a drunk. For some reason he would not allow us to screen with white ink of black shirts, so all the shirts had to be white.

7. Sepultura picture, probably from Metal Maniacs. How amazing did Beneath The Remains seem back then? Who knew that the Cavalera brothers would loose their damn mind, start wearing camo and have their brains taken over by nu-metal? Had you told me back then that Andreas would end up playing on tour with Scorpions, I would have challenged you to a fight...right then and there.

8. Another Slayer poster from the street vendor. This one is a stupid illustration of a skull which I have only seen in other semi-official Slayer items.

9. Jason Newsted, I really don't know why this was hanging on the wall. I don't mean to be apologetic, but my brother and I were seriously getting out of Metallica at that time...I don't get it. I guess we still wanted to hang on to the good memories...or perhaps my mom had warned us about damaging the drywall by ripping stuff off and on repeatedly. This, by the way, is possible. We were renting that apartment.

10. Nuclear Assault, not much to say here. How I slept in a room that had a picture of Dan Lilker's down syndrome face I'll never know.



11. Barney from Napalm Death. I remember this picture perfectly, because he was wearing a white t-shirt tucked into blue gym shorts. How metal. I remember Metal Maniacs making fun of him for his bleached hair back then.

12. Cliff Burton. Again, not much to say. Like so many other kids, I first checked out The Misfits because Cliff Burton always wore their shirts. I figured they had to be the most obscure, heaviest, fastest metal band. Imagine my surprise when I bought a Misfits tape and heard something that resembled Elvis over melodic-ish punk. I was outraged! It took me a little while to listen to it again, and start actually enjoying them.

13. Morgoth. Due to living in Florida, death metal was everywhere. Morgoth, Unleashed, Entombed, Dismember and all the local bands were all the rage. I remember loving Morgoth back then. Today, I don't think I could name a single Morgoth song, or that I could easily identify their music. Maybe I should brush up.

14. Danzig. Sweet picture of Glenn on a throne with the band surrounding him. How on earth did Chuck Biscuits stomach posing for these solemn pictures when he played for Descendents, Black Flag, and DOA?

15. Anthrax "Indians" postcard.

16. Anthrax poster, probably hanging there as a result of being a huge, legit poster that we got for free, more than likely from Y&T Records near the University of Miami campus. That store was nuts back then. Some dude named Mike ordered all the metal stuff for the store, and he also did a zine which they sold there. The selection of records was crazy, and they even had a demo tape section. Imagine going into a store, and having about thirty demos to choose from...all from tiny bands from the Ukraine, all for under four bucks. Today, it's meaningless to me..but back then, I was in heaven.

17. Picture of the dude from Believer. We liked Believer, but probably not enough to have their picture up. I don't fully get why it was up. Maybe we just liked the picture? Their second album that sounds just like Earth Crisis (or the other way around) had not come out yet. Just so everyone knows, yes...I know why the album sounds like Earth Crisis. I'm not an idiot.

17. Sorry, I screwed up the numbering and don't want to go back and fix it. This one is a picture of Phil from Sacred Reich. For my brother's birthday only months after this picture was taken, I bought him a Sacred Reich t-shirt. He wore it to school that day, and on his way back home was in a bad car accident. He got blood all over the new shirt.

19. Gary from Exodus, wearing awful Harley Davidson suspenders. How could we NOT have something up from the band that wrote Toxic Waltz? Come on now.

20. Again, I don't remember being too into Pantera by the time this picture was taken...but perhaps we just thought the picture of Phil getting the stupid sides of his head shaved was rad? I really loved Cowboys From Hell when it first came out, played it all the time. By the time this picture was taken though, I was jamming to lots of death metal and Pantera seemed weak to me. But back to that time in their history, the rise in popularity that Pantera had after Cowboys From Hell came out was really amazing. I never paid much attention to subsequent albums...but those two years were nuts. They went from putting out what was their first album, at least to most people, to playing arenas in no time. Impressive.

21. Perfect example of something hanging up just because it looked kinda cool, was better than a page out of a magazine, and was big. While we like the Gammacide LP (one of Wild Rags' finest) I'm pretty sure we just put up the poster because it was big and free, since it came with the record. It was around this time that we started to get more and more into smaller bands, and ordering demos through the mail. Perhaps Wild Rags was pushing us in that direction?

22. Flier for a band's demo, the name of the band was Sarcophagus. Based on the logo, I think they are this early black/death metal band. Not sure where the flier came from.

23. A picture I cut out of some magazine that featured two old people checking out some punk dude in a mowhawk. Your guess as to why we put this is up is as good as mine. I had records and tapes by Agnostic Front, Cro-Mags and The Exploited then, but I wouldn't really get into punk until later.



24. D.R.I. spread that actually came from RIP Magazine. The title of the article was "Mayhem In Mexico City" and was about a huge show they played there at some wrestling arena. The fact that I still remember this is weird. The pictures in that article were awesome, and I looked at them for hours upon hours.

25. This is perhaps the only thing I'm unsure about. I believe it's Unleashed. Pretty sure it is. I liked them back then, but my brother was the one that was way, way into them.

26. Chuck Schuldiner. "Human" had just come out and it was one of my favorite albums. I didn't know this at the time, but Chuck lived in a storage space not far from where this picture was taken.

27. Metallica postcard featuring Pushead artwork for And Justice For All, and a picture from Garage Days.

28. Obituary. Weird picture because Trevor was playing a BC Rich Warlock.

29. Diamond Darrell. Sorry, I refuse to call him "Dimebag", that all started after I stopped liking them. I know I sound like a douche for saying that, but it's true. It's like if your friend Steve goes off to college, graduates and then you visit him at his new job. You walk in, and the receptionist says "Oh are you Stephen The Third's friend?" You'd be like "Who, do you mean Steve?"

30. Another damn Metallica poster?

31. The most recent Megadeth album was Rust In Piece. One part of me hated them because of their commercial appeal, but something in me also had to acknowledge the riff mania that was that album.




Your feedback is appreciated

So, what about our readers? What hung on your walls back in 1991? Are you older, and perhaps way more metal than I was? Were you not into metal then? Perhaps the most depressing possibility is that you were only like two years old then. Either way, let me know.

What will they think of next?

I am sometimes hesitant to include much information about my private life here at Metal Inquisition. Why? Because I feel that my opinion as an authority in all things metal could be harmed should the masses know more about me, and how I roll. You may have heard that this is one of the key criticisms about The Economist that many people have. Most articles are not credited in that magazine, so no one knows who wrote them. Similarly, for all you know, I may live in a trailer park and drive a Delorean.


I could also be a fatty, emo, gangsta', goth, gender neutral thing...you never know.


So, against my better judgment I will now let you into my private life. I will now tell you something about myself, and here it is: I own a dog. My dog is a fantastic part of my life, and I love her very much. I usually behave rather idiotically when I'm around her, and some people probably get embarrassed and cringe when they see how I talk to her. Now that you have a clearer picture as to just how big of douchebag I am, I can share this new line of products that recently surfaced on the interweb. I can also tell you that even though I'm an asshole, and I like my dog way too much...I still think this is an idiotic line of products...and anyone who buys these deserves a long, painful death. What am I talking about? Garmutt, metal clothing for dogs of course!




The company is owned by one of the guys from Dillinger Escape Plan, apparently. Good for him, I guess he's trying to come up with some sort of back up plan for his failed musical gravy train, but this project will fail also. How can it not? I'm probably one of about eight people on earth who is a total idiot about their dog AND likes Metallica (kinda'), and I'm not willing to buy this crap...that means that a grand total of seven people worldwide are left as potential customers.

Look at that dog's face, that's how I looked after having heard the newest Metallica album too.

On a similar note, there's also metal clothing for kids and babies now. Why? Think back to when you were a kid, would you have liked it if your parents made you wear ABBA, Rod Stewart or Engelbert Humperdinck clothing? Personally, I would have hated it, and rightfully so. That was their musical taste, not mine. Why on earth do metal individuals think its any different for them now that they're parents or pet owners? Your dog may hate Metallica (he/she probably does actually), and your kid probably hates them also. You know how you hated it when your mom made you dress up, and take off your Maiden shirt back in the day? I know I did. Every metal kid I knew back then swore up and down that they would never become the opressor. Now we're all older, and look what's happening. Damn it all to hell.



Okay I get it, you're a hip, cool dad and you feel that you want to dress your kid accordingly. You're way different from the lame suburban dads with Volvo and Subaru station wagons. You're not a yuppie who drinks Starbucks coffee ans shops at REI. Well good for you, but here's a thought...it's a baby, not a godamn doll for you to dress up you stupid asshole. Babies should dress like babies, for the same reason that as adults we don't dress as babies, and for the same reason that a 5 year old girl in high heels would look creepy and depressing. Stop pushing your beliefs, particularly your musical beliefs onto poor defenseless creatures. As if the horrors of Abu Ghraib and Guantamo weren't enough, now Americans have found a new way to distinguish themselves by acting like jerkoffs in a whole new way.

To all of our readers who are lucky enough to live outside the U.S., I hope you don't have this type of stupidity going in in your countries. If you don't, however, I must warn you. Brace yourself, because it's coming. Just like Baywatch, other places around the world will first write it off as a lowbrow American invention with no value...and then every country will buy into it. If anyone thinks I'm going overboard, and that this is just clothing for babies and dogs, you're wrong. Think of me as the first person that spoke out when the holocaust began. Now who feels like an asshole? Not me.

Metallica=Big Business: 1. Wall Street Journal reports about new albums sucking. 2. Metallica rebrands itself

Metallica is big business, and not just because of the recent release of these amazingly comfortable "Master of Puppets" underpants.

1. Wall Street Journal reports on quality of new album:
With all the upheaval in the financial markets, is there one financial institution that is still making money and may still be worth reporting on? Why yes, there's always Metallica. I know, I know...Metallica are not a metal band and no longer matter at all. I get it. Still, if you're my age or older...you remember a time when they mattered very much. As such, imagine my surprise when I opened the Wall Street Journal to check on my extensive and diverse stock portfolio (Earache Records, Blue Grape Merchandise, Axxis Drum Pedals, EMG Pickups) and found news about Metallica's new album instead. As it turns out, the new album sucks balls, and not just for the usual reasons (lack of musical ability, lack of songwriting skills, lack of a drummer etc). If you thought St. Anger's mix was bad, Death Magnetic has some issues as well, and it has nothing to do with Trujillo's crabwalking. Fans are signing petitions to have the album remixed, and album's mastering engineer agrees, saying:

"Believe me, I'm not proud to be associated with this one."

Those are exactly the words of every single person that has been involved with every Metallica project after And Justice For ALl. You can read the article here, or just look at this fancy graphic, courtesy of the WSJ. I don't want them to sue our asses, and I believe that by crediting them, we'll be just fine. I took one class about law in a Community College once. I'm an expert.





2. Metallica hires Turner Duckworth to rebrand itself
What should an ailing band that has not produced quality music in ages do in order to better itself? First you hire a psychiatrist (as we saw in Some Kind Of Monster), and then you hire a branding agency. Why? Metallica is a brand, you see, and as such it deserves the same treatment that the likes of Coke and Amazon.com have gotten from Turner Duckworth. Look, I'm not naive. I don't object to this on the basis that branding implies big business. I'm okay with that. I know that Metallica makes tons of money, and that they're a business with employees like any other type of company. My objection is based on the fact that Metallica bandmembers honestly think that this is even worth pursuing. Forgive me for using such an overused comparison, but this is like rearranging the deck furniture on the Titanic. Kerry King (out of all people) said it best. Metallica are a sinking ship. A huge, bloated ship. Read the story here.


One of the primary components of a brand is a logo. Turner Duckworth no doubt charged tons of money to the bloated monster known as Metallica to make their logo back into what it was during And Justice For All.

Listening to Metallica: Straight out TORTURE

Last week James Hetfield, the skater teen, turned middle-aged redneck, made some statements about "Enter Sandman" being used to torture prisoners in Guantamo Bay. He said "Part of me is proud is because they chose Metallica". Uhm... James, what the military is basically telling you is that your music is SO BAD, playing it to prisoners being tortured is a good idea. Do you get it? Listening to Metallica is torture! "Enter Sandman" is such a bad song that prisoners would rather be water boarded than put up with 5 more seconds of that shit. I guess this guy Mohammed al-Qahtani said that listening to the track while being tortured brought him to tears. No joke. This guy actually cried when he heard Metallica! Shit, I have never cried while listening to Enter Sandman, but I have cried during The Unforgiven. That song is fucking terrible. James "Jed Clampett" Hetfield went on to say that he thought maybe the torture technique worked, not because Metallica's music sucked, but because "It represents something that [terrorists] don't like — maybe freedom, aggression…" Hello?! Earth calling James! These people are accused of being terrorists, "aggression" is sorta part of the job!

Our favorite NRA member has not aged well.

In any case, I'm glad the US of A is still kicking terrorists' asses the best way they know how. (please add sarcastic tone to the last sentence.) The one thing I'd suggest to the brave soilders in Cuba doing all that torturing is that next time they should just use songs from St. Anger. Shit, if they had me tied down and threaten to play the whole CD, I'd confess to some shit. I'd make up stuff just to get them to push the stop button.

This is the James I'll remember forever.

Hmmm...come to think of it, St. Anger, Load and Re-load are probably on a list in the Geneva Protocol, forbidding countries from using them as torture. I wonder how long it's gonna take them to add Death Magnetic to the list. It's that bad, believe me.

Long gone are the days of bullet belts, cheap beer, Venom shirts, skateboards, awesome riffs, intelligence and common sense.

Well, James "Cowardly Lion" Hetfield finished his eloquent statement with: "We've got nothing to do with this and we're trying to be as apolitical as possible." I guess "Disposable Heroes", "And Justice for All" and the whole "Don't Tread on Me" thing is not very political? Metallica stopped being "political" around the same time they stopped being metal.