If you are a decent human being, you say stuff like "Look, I have a great sense of humor, but some things just aren't funny. For example, I really didn't appreciate it when Guttermouth made fun of Siberian-American Huskies. How insensitive!! Another thing that's simply off-limits is cancer. This terrible disease kills over 500,000 Americans every year, and I can't think of anything worse than trivializing the impact it has on our way of life- not just as Americans, but as human beings! How dare you mock me for calling off of work on Tuesday to get an anal cancer exam!!"
Fortunately for you, I am only a marginally decent human being, so I present to you a video in which Peter Criss reveals that he had BREAST CANCER lolololololol!!! It's almost as funny as Seth Putman's sidesplitting overdose/suicide fail a few years back!
Anyway, enjoy- and here's hoping Gene Simmons gets struck by lighting!
Once a band has a good thing going, they usually like to throw it all away by changing their style up for reasons that only God knows. Rather than get angry about it, I applaud bands who flush their hard-won credibility and support down the toilet. Why? Because it's funny. It's funny to see the nerd rage from their fans, and it's funny to watch the band members get defensive or flustered when they realize that everybody hates what they've done.
In this post I will share a few of my favorite moments in which bands have dramatically changed their style for the worse. I will explore each of these self-clownings along three dimensions:
Why they changed: I will take a guess at what the practice room discussions were in which they decided it was a good idea
Fan reaction: Exactly how did fans react to the betrayal?
How badly it fucked them: On a scale of 0-10, how badly did it impair the band's ability to receive income in the future?
In all seriousness, I cannot fathom what could have a) possessed them to think this is a good idea or b) convinced Century Media to release this. I'm really not joking here! If I was the dude at CM who was responsible for the bottom line on the Cryptopsy account, when I heard the demos I think my feedback would be something like: "Dudes, I totally respect that you want to do something different and that's awesome but I have a fucking mortgage to pay. Putting clean vocals on a Cryptopsy record is basically taking food directly out of my family's mouth so that you can 'explore the boundaries of extreme metal' or whatever bullshit you just said to me. If you want to experiment, do it on your own dime. Now get the fuck out of my office and go write 'None So Vile Part 2'!"
Cryptopsy Why they changed (Translated from French) Guy 1: I'm bored with death metal. Remember when we got that metalcore guy to sing on our last couple records, and everybody hated it because they want to hear sick-ass death metal not a poor man's Suicide Silence? We should do something even more zany than that for the next record. Guy 2: Totally! Don't forget that we also made a decision at that one band meeting to write boring songs with 5,000 nondescript riffs in them instead of catchy, simple shit that you couldn't stop listening to like on our first few albums. Guy 1: Yeah, yeah, I remember, quit nagging me about it. Anyhow, I've been listening to a lot of Diecast and Poison The Well lately, we should totally do that thing where they have half-assed death metal vocals, then the guy starts singing and when you hear it you're all "Dude, that's so beautiful!!" and a single tear rolls down your cheek. Oh, and let's wear leather pants with buckles on them in the video. Guy 2: Pass the poutine, please.
How badly it fucked them 8.5/10. Perhaps someone from Century Media can chime in and tell us exactly how far their sales have plummeted, but I have to guess that their transition to "shitty Killswitch Engage" was pretty much a death blow. The only reason I didn't give them a 10 is that Flo will always be able to sell instructionals to shut-ins who would rather practice their double flamadiddles than deal with the terrifying prospect of leaving the house.
Pantera Why they changed Phil: Fuckin' a dudes, I'm fuckin' high as fuck man... Let's do some new shit, I ain't down with these fuckin' powederpuff jams. I was just sittin' here feeling the fuckin' high, and I saw something... I saw the fuckin' universe!! I looked into the middle of the sun, and it told me that the four of us were put on this Earth for one thing: To create the NEW GENERATION OF POWER GROOVE! Everybody else: Right on bro, power groove, hell yeah! But hey, can we just play "Strutter" one more time before we reinvent the steel??
Fan reaction "Duuuuude, what the fuck man?! Quit yelling and shit! It makes my fuckin' head hurt! Why are you all aggro and shit, I thought Pantera was a rock band? Quit screaming, man, my chick is gettin' freaked out! Fuck this, I'm putting in my Vinnie Vincent tape to get her in the mood again." *Rides away on his Mongoose, plastic comb stuck in the back pocket of his size 28 jeans*
How badly it fucked them 0/10: They timed their makeover perfectly, coinciding with the death of glam and the mainstreaming of angsty "hard rock." You can think of the revamped Pantera as the angry, brutish brother of Alice In Chains in many ways. Both got high way too much, but in addition to having a strong self-detructive streak, Pantera enjoyed turning his anger on others.
This is a double dose of painful; it manages to be horribly embarrassing like you're watching your uncle's shitty cover band in which he wears a Harley-Davidson do-rag at the same time as a high school battle of the bands where they're playing a Fender Squire through a Peavey Bandit. Amazing job, guys! Hipster Runoff has nothing on Metallica in the post-ironic humor department.
Metallica Why they changed: Needless to say, volume upon volume has been written about the several dramatic shifts in Metallica's style. What could I possibly add, especially since I have always thought they were pretty terrible? Perhaps because I am an outsider, I believe I have a fresh perspective. I'm thinking that it went a little like this: *establishing shot of a calendar that says 1989 on it* James: OK guys, how do we follow up "Garage Days?" It's way better than any of our real albums, and it's all fucking covers, WTF. I don't know where we go from here. *sighs, throws up hands in frustration* Kirk: Since we're obviously out of ideas and rich, why don't we just have fun with it and make the lamest fucking "hard rock" record we can, just for a joke?? James: Ha ha ha, I love it! Yeah, and I'll adopt this Southern redneck persona even though I'm from Bakersfield. It will be hilarious! Then after a year or something we'll reveal that it was all a put-on, everybody will have a good laugh, and we'll get tons of press. Kirk: No, no, let's do it Andy Kaufman-style and never let on! We'll play it straight, and people will always be guessing whether it's a joke or we're really that fucking stupid. It will be way funnier that way!! Lars: Totally! Also, we should make my snare so tight, ringy, and absurdly loud in the mix that it sounds like someone is banging on the side of a battleship with a ball peen hammer in time to the music! James: Dude, come on. Let's not get carried away. We can't go too far over the top or it will be too obvious that it's a joke! *shot of the pages on a calendar peeling off and blowing away in the wind until it says 2003* James: LOL, guys, I can't fucking believe nobody's gotten the joke yet!! We need to do something so ridiculous that nobody can possibly miss it and everybody will catch on to the joke. Lars, what was that idea you had for a snare sound a few years back??
Fan reaction Many fans were ready to tar and feather them after the black album, and brought out their torches & pitchforks when they heard "Load." By the time "St. Anger" came out, most people kind of realized it was just a tired joke that had run its course, and maybe chuckled a little bit when they saw the video where they played Disturbed riffs in the prison yard. "Death Magnetic" was met with about the same reaction as someone wearing an Austin Powers Halloween costume in 2009: "Dude, you should probably go home and change. It's gonna be a long night if you don't."
How badly it fucked them 0/10, seemingly. Despite that they are perhaps the most hated band in all of metal, I still see 14 year-olds with bowl cuts, acne and bad posture wearing "Ride The Lightning" shirts as they follow their parents around the mall looking surly just like they did in 1989. Like Led Zepplin and Bob Marley, they have a mystifying ability to move merch to every new generation of shitbag loser teenagers, so what the fuck do I know about how much Metallica sucks?
Argh, I don't even know what to say about this... I hadn't watched it in a long time since Lucho uploaded it. I don't even think it's funny anymore, they just sound like legit morons that would deliver potato chips to bodegas or something and yap about their band endlessly: "Yeah man, we're playing at L'Amours, opening for DBC and Lawnmower Deth. You should come check it out bro, we'll blow your mind bro!"
Anthrax Why they changed *The band is sitting in the living room at Charlie's parents' home in Queens* Joey: It's just not the same anymore. Ever since our practice space burned down, I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders. The insurance forms say that the damage was only a few hundred dollars, but I feel like my youthful enthusiasm and whimsical, carefree outlook on life also went up in flames that night. *halfheartedly flips through a Judge Dredd comic, dejected* Scott: I know, man. The other day I tried to put on my Adidas warmup suit and do borderline-racist rap poses in the mirror, and I just wasn't feeling it. And when someone told me that Billy Milano was actually a pretty smart, funny guy who was just "playing a character" in SOD, I couldn't even bring myself to shout "NOT!". I kinda feel like it might be time for Anthrax to break up... Charlie: Snap out of it, guys!! *bursts into the room* We're not going to let this tragedy get the best of us! Let's channel our pain into writing a new record. It will be moody and repetitive, much slower, less fun and catchy than anything we've done so far. Also, we'll take the title from the name of a famous painting or something to sound deep, and the songs will be punishingly long to send the message that we have a lot to say! Scott: Perfect. That will show everybody that we've grown up and we're not just the class clowns of Thrash High! We'll finally be seen as mature, legitimate musicians and get the respect we deserve from both fans and critics alike. Man, this is going to be great. Charlie: Then once we find a guy with the least possible charisma, stage presence, and distinctive voice, we'll fire Joey and replace him! Joey: Guys, I'm right here... I can hear everything you're saying. Scott/Charlie: Shut up, Joey. Go play with your Transformers and make a new "injun" hat.
Fan reaction If you ask 100 different people about Anthrax's lineup changes, you will get 100 different answers. Some popular ones: "They would be better if Scott Ian sang," "They would be better if they kept Neil Turban," and "Cry for the Indians."
How badly it fucked them 5/10. Not too badly, actually. I mean don't get me wrong, Anthrax has been fucking horrible for over 20 years, but their first couple albums are so, so good that you can look past the new stuff, brushing it off as though it's just a phase they're going through (although if that phase was a person it would be old enough to drink). In any case, what it comes down to is that nobody will buy their new albums, but people will still go see them in hopes that they'll play the old, good songs. It's not unlike those washed up old bands like Cutting Crew or whatever that only play county fairs and riverboat casinos. Only unlike Cutting Crew, Anthrax used to put the NYHC logo on their merch.
Hasta next time...? What did y'all think of this concept? There is certainly no shortage of content for future installments: Slayer, Celtic Frost, Sepultura, and Carcass to name but a few. Should we do more?
I don't know if any of you remember, but in interviews throughout the 90s, Glen Benton said that he would kill himself in the year 2000, which is when he would turn 33. He often referenced the song "Sacrificial Suicide", and its line "Sacrifical suicide, Ritual to end my life." The whole reason why he would kill himself was unclear, but had something to do with living a life that was opposite to Jesus. If I remember correctly, Jesus died at 33, so I don't know how ALSO dying at 33 would be the opposite of...well, dying at 33. This gets into a whole thing of what kind of satanist Benton claimed to be. If you are ever really, really bored start looking into this...what kind of satanist so and so is/was. Some believe in god, but worship satan as Benton did. Euronimous believed in theism, and said all humans should be slaves to religion. Some believe an inversion of christian dogma is stupid, some think it's good...it goes on and on.
But back to Benton finally ending our collective pain by dying on purpose. As a result of these interviews where Benton promised that I'd finally be rid of him, I eagerly awaited the year 2000. Unlike other people, I wasn't anxious about Y2K. I was not psyched about listening to the Prince song five million times, oh no. I had higher hopes. I had hopes of Glen Benton finally being dead. Sadly, it was not to be. As you can tell my the semi-recent picture of Glen with a basket of fruit, he's still very much alive. I also know he's alive because he recently commented on the VH1 show "Rock of Love" on his MySpace blog. I thought he'd be more of a Tool Academy kinda' guy...but either way, he's still alive. Lame.
Glen, I know exactly how you feel. This is exactly the face I make when I realize you're still alive.
Glen is in his 40s now. He's a dad these days, and often talks in interviews about taking his kids to school, doing laundry, and about how he wears a hat to cover up his forehead from time to time.
What Benton's kid probably looks like.
While I applaud his ability to not take himself very seriously these days, I can't help but remember how he portrayed himself back in the early 90s. You can attribute his stupidity to youth, but I never acted like a complete asshole then. I've been criticized by some readers for bringing this very thing up about numerous bands on many occasions. Let me be clear, as a youngster, I never thought that Glen Benton was an evil overlord who lived in a dark castle somewhere. You see, I lived in Florida at the time that Deicide were getting popular, and I knew he probably lived in a horrible apartment just like the one my family lived in, but in Tampa. Still, it was easier to take him seriously before he started claiming he had seen bigfoot.
Even manly men end up living in apartment buildings like this in Florida. Even if you're into satan, get ready to live in a light yellow, baby blue, or seafoam colored building called something like "Biscayne Breeze".
I understood the theatrics that went into music, even as a kid. I knew that Ace Frehley wasn't from outer space, I knew he was from some neighborhood like Astoria in Queens. So I'm not a complete moron, I guess I just hate it when people break character. You know how some people loved Jimmy Fallon cracking up right in the middle of an SNL sketch? I hated it (Hope our non-american readers excuse the ameri-centric reference.) To me, it would like if Jason Voorhees stopped mid-movie, suddenly started making a fruit salad, took off his mask and started flossing while listening to a self-help audio tape. We all know it's a damn movie...but it would suddenly become a terrible movie. Right? I know that with time, people in bands have a hard time keeping up the persona. They're not actors in a movie, after all. I get it, they are suddenly married, they have kids, and with that comes a membership to Costco or Sam's Club. Soon, they find themselves buying shampoo by the gallon, all in the name of savings.
Glen had to get married in a church at his wife's request, according to the steroid-induced ramblings of the Hoffman brothers. Clearly the guy is scared of his wife, and must have a good sense of humor. I understand, its real life. But perhaps folks like Glen should have been less idiotic, and should have never started portraying a fictitious character to begin with, even in the name of theatrics. Perhaps they shouldn't have burned a damn cross on their forehead, nahmean? You know why I don't have to wear a hat to the store like he does? Because I never burned a cross on my face. Duh. It's for that reason that I always liked Obituary. They're just some dudes who play music, and that's about it. As a little kid, the whole theatric presentation that Kiss had was appealing to me, but I was like six then. At some point you stop being amazed by swords and fake blood...and you just want a good riff. You know? Perhaps I could present my point of view more cohesively, but I'm tired right now.
Okay, I'm probably putting most of you to sleep. Let's get back to Glen and his promise to kill himself. While he was all about it back then, today he has gone as far as saying that his promises of killing himself were "asinine remarks." He may see his comments from the 90s as silly, but I saw them as a legally binding verbal contract. I counted on being free of his music in 2000, and planned my life accordingly. I had dreams of happy days, fantastic years free of Benton and his receding hairline. Now, I'm stuck having to put up with him for who knows how many more years. Ugh. What an unfair world we live in...one where Pauly Shore is taken from us, while Glen Benton still roams the streets. Oh wait, what? Pauly Shore is still alive? Well, never mind.
If any of you are still half-way interested in the aging biker fatso that is Glen Benton, watch the video below. In his video, you will see Glen answer questions from the audience at a show. Have you ever wondered how many times has Glen Benton burned the cross on his forehead? Did his mom ask him to stop burning the cross on his forehead? Find out.
You can say what you want about us here at Metal Inquisition. You can call us assholes, posers, old, whatever- and you'd probably be right. But don't ever say that we don't love you, because we do. We are here to help, like true friends. One of the toughest parts about being a friend is telling your friends when they are being a retard. It's tough, but you have to! With that in mind, we are willing to bet that the majority of you guys are retards, and the best thing we can do for you is to help you identify it so you can start to correct your problem. Admitting it is the first step. This is far from a comprehensive list of all the annoying d-bags in the scene, but it should get you started.
"I love Jesu!!"
The Beardo/Relapse Dork Let's start with an easy target. You know this guy... he says shit like "Dude I just got the new Gridlink 11" EP on 180 gram colored vinyl, it's a Japan-only, hand-numbered limited edition of 1. They haven't even written it yet, but I have it. It's amazing!!"* Please note how much they love to call things "amazing." It's a good example of how the defining characteristic of the Beardo is that they are way too fucking enthusiastic about the dumb shit they are into and won't shut up about it because they are socially awkward dorks who have no ability to detect your complete lack of interest in their nerdy bullshit (such as obscure black metal).
Also, you can be a Beardo without actually having a beard, although of course that makes you even more of an asshole if you do have one. The beard is merely a symbol that you have no ability to understand how the world sees you, because if you did you would throw yourself on a sword in shame before you had time to get out the trimmer.
Psyopus: Do they have a noise side-project?? If not, that's the only thing that could make them bigger Relapse Dorks.
Then there is the Beardo's kissing cousin, the Relapse Dork. The differences are subtle, with the main one being that the Relapse Dork is like half Wanker, half Beardo. Rather than beating off to pictures of obscure Hydra Head releases like Beardos, they follow Brutal Truth around on tour, collecting Dan Lilker's pubes that fall off onto the rims of the urinals in venue restrooms and saving them in plastic baggies so they can brag about it on the Relapse board while they gush about the Human Remains demo.
* I stole the "they haven't even written it yet, but I have it" line from Lifesucksdie #3
I was trying to find a more original picture than Mosh Girl, but, well, it pretty much says it all. See how grossed out everybody is when girls try to act like boys??
The Tuff Girl She's so different from all the other girls!! She's just like one of the guys!! She's up front at all the shows moshing her, uh, balls off! Don't treat her like a girl or she will punch you in the face because she's tuff! See, she has a Terror shirt and brass knuckle necklace to prove it! You can also tell from her chest piece and surly, unfriendly demeanor. I knew a girl like this back in the day. I went to like Taco Bell or something with her, and was about to sit down when she told me, "Wait let's sit over there, I don't like sitting with my back to the door." I laughed and said, "Who the fuck are you, Billy The Kid?!" Anyway, these girls suck because they are like the worst of both worlds: all the annoying parts about dudes in the mannish body of an ugly girl.
If you want to show all the boys that you like punk, this is a much better option than trying to be tuff. Just smile and hold my coat while I dance.
Look, I get it... girls can listen to metal and hardcore too. Nothing wrong with that. I hung out with this 22 year-old girl last week who was listening to Old Man's Child while she drove me around in her Acura (this really happened). But ladies, you really don't have to try as hard as Tuff Girl if all you want is male approval because your daddy didn't love you enough. Just stand around looking cute and giggling demurely at my jokes, that's all I ask of you.
He looks so happy, willfully ignorant that Fear Factory ever released an album after Demanufacture
Mr. Old School You could rightly accuse some of us here at Metal Inquisition of being Mr. Old School- probably everybody except me, since I mostly listen to Forever The Sickest Kids, not metal. To Mr. Old School, they stopped making good metal records somewhere between 1992 and 1994 and anything else is trendy garbage and/or simply flew under their radar.
For example, I told Lucho a few years ago that "Don't Care" was one of the best Obituary songs. "Hmm, I don't think I know that one," he said. I told him it was from "World Demise" and he said "Oh, well I never heard their newer albums," and I was like "Dude that shit came out in like '94." You see how frustrating it is to deal with Mr. Old School?? It's like talking to your grandparents who think Eisenhower is still president and ask you who is going to be on Johnny Carson tonight. As far as Lucho is concerned, metal died when they stopped publishing The Wild Rag... my friend, the world keeps turning.
I'll be honest, this photo has nothing to do with Mr. Old School... but wtf? Why so serious?
Mr. Old School isn't really annoying, just disappointing. He just stopped trying. And I get that: at some point music isn't really the center of your life anymore, especially metal. But Mr. Old School is like the dude who gets married, then instantly gets fat and never wears anything but sweat pants. Sure, he can let down his hair a bit because who does have to impress, but his wife is like "This isn't the guy I married!" and walks out on his ass. I'll never walk out on Lucho, but I do wish he would buy jeans from H&M or Forever 21 instead of the Gap and Old Navy (that's not a joke, it's seriously where he gets his jeans). He could probably wear size 4 girl jeans without too many problems.
Thanks to ironic hipsters, these kids look like they should be in a band that's opening for Atreyu
The Dinosaur Rocker Did you know there are people in the 2K9 that actually listen to Manowar, Iron Maiden, Saxon, Keel, and other shit that I am pretty sure Confederate soldiers jammed on the way to do battle in the civil war?? It's true, they are called Dinosaur Rockers. An even more decrepit and out of touch version of Mr. Old School, they are frozen in time like so many denim-vested insects in amber. Like the doddering fossils that shamble through the halls of nursing homes, waiting to die, Dinosaur Rockers have no idea where they are or what's happening around them. I can't even laugh at them, all I can do is shake my head in pity, hoping that the lord will call their souls home soon.
You don't have to be old to be a Dinosaur Rocker, just boring and weird
Look, I don't expect everybody to be into Winds of Plague or whatever else is trendy at the moment (although to be fair they are some 2K8.5 shit so already kind of played out), but I seriously don't understand how anybody can non-ironically listen to Bathory, Venom, Accept or whatever. I'm sure those bands were great in 1982 because everything else was wretched at the time, but that shit sounds so lame when you listen to it today. Dinosaur metal sucks!! It's so boring and slow, it sounds like something my mom would listen to. I can just imagine her coming home from the mall, Van Morrisson/Loudness split 7" in hand. New Yorkment said it best on their MySpace:
NO PUSSY ASSED OLDSCHOOL BULLSHIT!! FUCK OLD METAL IRON MAIDEN N MOTERHEAD IS UNBRUTAL SHITTY DINOSAUR METAL!!!!!
Wankers: the only people dumb enough to be in a band because they actually like music, not to get laid
The Wanker Remember in the 90s when ska got popular, and every annoying redhead that played trombone in jazz band all of a sudden got to be in a "cool" band? Yeah me too. Well, The Wanker is what happens when that kid discovers metal, and it's just as irritating as ska was. Actually it's worse because at least Evan from Mindrot played in Save Ferris so there was at least one cool person in that scene. (Can anyone confirm the rumor that his license plate said MINDROT back then?)
Ugh, look how seriously this jerk takes his music. Die in a fire already.
The Wanker takes everything really seriously, probably because they all suffer from mild Asperger's Syndrome. For example they are the humorless turds that hate all my posts on here because I don't write 9,000 words about how Corner and Mekong Delta are the best bands to ever exist, or a fucking tutorial on how to play Spastic Ink songs on your Chapman Stick. They rival Ani DeFranco fans in their ability to ruin a good time by taking offense at absolutely anything and everything that touches their incredibly thin skin- especially if you praise a band that isn't intellectual enough for their refined sensibilities!!
Speaking of things I would destroy if I had access to the Nocturnus time machine...
But I can't blame them. I'd probably be pissed at the world too if I spent all my time holed up in my room, painstakingly transcribing Behold the Arcoptus songs, only taking my clammy hands off the neck of my guitar long enough to eat a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and see if I won a piece of Sean Reinert's used toilet paper on eBay. I'd be angry if I threw away thousands of hours of my life on playing music only to realize that I wasn't ever going to get laid by playing technical deathcore. In fact it's worse than that: remember in the original Batman movie when he is getting attacked by a shark, but spritzes it with a little Bat Shark Repellent and it runs away instantly? That's what playing mathcore is like, only to hot girls. It's like vagina repellent. They can tell that you'd rather fuck your guitar than them, and that your balls smell bad.
I found this image with that caption already added. I love the internet!
Add your own in the comments!! I fully realize this only scratches the surface when it comes to describing all the different kinds of annoying people in the scene. It's late and I'm out of funny lines, but I especially wanted to make fun of deathcore kids. Please help, it shouldn't be that challenging!
Mark this day in your calendar. Today is the day that Metal Inquisition has arrived. Well, the actual day happened sometime ago...but it was only today that we became aware of it. What am I talking about? I'm talking about the fact that the band Mordred's official blog is aware of our existence...and they are also aware of how insanely bad we think they are as a band. The post on their blog is a reaction to this post here at M.I. You can read their reaction here, or just read below. From their blog:
Someone hates Mordred
Now, I'm not one to post negative stuff about the band, past or present, but I've recently been sent a link from Mordred fan Ian Crocker, and am hoping that all Mordred fans will bombard the idiot's who printed the pointless article. Basically, it's a complete slag-off of Mordred, lacking understanding of the music and also tends to get a little personal, so if anyone out there in Mordred land wants to email these bunch of time-wasting cocks, get on board. I've been open to posting bads reviews etc, but this is just a joke.
Reading their take on my post, I went back and re-read my Thanksgiving Day masterpiece. By Metal Inquisition standards, the post was rather tame actually, but did feature some real zingers (if you allow me to give myself some credit.) But really, how could I not have been that brutal on Mordred? How could I pass that opportunity up? I mean, it's THEIR fault for sucking in such an unusual and groundbreaking way. If they had sucked as other bands did (like Heathen, Toxic or Gammacide) I would have pass them up for my Thanksgiving Day post. Flaunting your sucking abilities in front of me by putting out horrible music, and doing terrible interviews....it's like leaving an unlocked Rolls Royce Phantom with the keys in the ignition in front of a crackhouse, and then being surprised when you find out it's gone.
Perhaps the thing I love the most is that the guy's angry response includes a plea for their fans to email us, and respond in some way. As of today, there are no responses on their blog, or ours from fans. We have also not received a single email about this. Apparently, the three relatives that bought their records are no longer fans. Bummer. By the way, this is a picture of the guy who writes and takes care of their blog. No, I'm not kidding. This is really the guy:
Seeing a picture of this guy, is like seeing a rare bird in its natural habitat. His plumage alone is majestic! And look at that fancy shirt! It's as though four or five horrible fashion trends collided to create this gender-neutral beast. If his hair were black, I would almost be forced to use our beloved "elegant gothic aristocrat" label. See, to all of us who live in the western part of this planet, all British people seem aristocratic, particularly when they shop at the same wig store as Phil Spector. Okay, I will merely say this: Mr Mordred blog guy: the entire albino community of aristrocratic douchelords called. They want their wig back.Let's all celebrate this huge occasion by watching Mordered's idiotic take on music, race and culture once again. This video never gets old.
In the words of 220 Volt, we wish you a heavy Christmas. From all of us, to all of you.
We hope baby Jesus brings you all the gifts you asked for. In the case of our beloved Metal Inquisition receptionist Dorothy, that meant a case of Bud Light. Don't drink it all at once Dorothy!
Dorothy, our hard working administrative assistant and receptionist. When you call our 1-800 number, this is the lovely lady that will greet you at the other end of the line.
When I'm not thinking of ways to meet Lauren Conrad or the girls from 90210, I enjoy studying the intricacies of death metal songwriting. The best songs aren't just a bunch of mindless double bass and monotonous blast beats, they're finely crafted opuses that are painstakingly assembled riff by slamming riff, like a brutal ship-in-a-bottle. Perhaps the most important part of such a masterpiece is the intro, and with that in mind, I present several of our favorites...
Cannibal Corpse - Hammer Smashed Face When we're talking about the best death metal intros of all time, you would be out of your hammer-smashed skull not to put this song at the top of the list. Cannibal Corpse is, without a doubt, one of the most generic, dullest death metal bands, yet this song is the perfect marriage of catchy hooks and cock-smashing brutality! I'll be honest, it's been a long time since I paid much attention to them, but what fucking happened?! Chris Barnes is writing song after ass-rapingly awful song about pot, wearing Jncos and Star Trek shirts, and Corpsegrinder would rather be playing WoW... I mean, I understand that as people get older they lose touch with the trends, and that's fine... but christ, these guys take irrelevant fossils to a whole new level. If there is a god, Chris Barnes will get hit by a meteor and spare the worl of another Six Feet Under performance.
Suffocation - Human Waste As soon as the song starts, you hear the Hellraiser sample, and you're all "Oh shit, son, this is spooky as fuck... What's coming next?!" The hair on your arms stands up, because you know the song is going to be some super brutal brutality, and it doesn't disappoint!! The intro riff on this song is without a doubt the sickest thing ever recorded at the time, considering that this song is from their 1990 demo (I didn't hear it until 92 or whatever, though, on "Corporate Death"). The rest of the song is pretty slammin' too, but the first minute or so is really what will knock your dick in the dirt with pit riffment. Every time I hear this song, I put on a Trump Plaza shirt and some sweat pants and jump around my room pretending I'm Frank Mullen.
Obituary - The End Complete Before wigger slam existed, I listened to Obituary when I needed a dose of groove in my death metal. Obituary are a great band because they always emphasized good songwriting over speed or brutality for their own sake, and this is a great example. Aside from having an awesome intro, it also has a super sweet outro- it starts AND finishes strong, like good porn. I am pretty sure I've posted about this video before, but the best part is Alan West's Rollins Band and Red Hot Chili Peppers shirts. There's nothing funnier than when fans are disappointed by how un-brutal a band is, like when you see Glen Benton taking out the trash or whatever. But that sort of thing is Lucho Metales' speciality, so I'll leave it to him to go into more detail.
Devourment - Babykiller If there is such a thing as a flagship single for wigger slam, it is definitely this song- especially the original version on 1.3.8. The sorely-missed Wayne Knupp's incredible vocal performance started a whole generation of cricket vocals, and it all started with the cock-smashingly brutal intro to this awesome song. It's nearly 5 minutes long, but I can listen to it the whole way through anytime it comes on my iPod. This song showed the death metal world that traditional musical concepts like melody, dynamics, structure, and lyrics were outdated assumptions, that the only thing that really matters is pit riffment. If you think about it, it was very avant garde and postmodern! Hopefully some grad school egghead will write a paper about this song called something like "Operationalizing pit riffment: Contradictions and paradoxes in Texas slam metal."
More marriages of awesome hooks and cock-smashing brutality? As always, please tell us what we missed. There aren't a ton of great death metal intros on the level of these, but surely the list is longer that this post.
As though the wacky goatee wasn't enough to let people know that he's not your average old douchebag, he's managed to borrow accessories from the Olson twins' closet to communicate just how awful of a human being he is.
If you ever call Metal Inquisition's World Headquarters and get put on hold due to heavy call volume, nine times out of ten, you'll be listening to the work of master producer Alex Perialas as you wait for someone to pick up on the other end of the line. With an impressive catalog that includes S.O.D.'s "Speak English Or Die" as well as the 12" single for the greatly underappreciated Anthrax masterpiece "Make Me Laugh", his catalog dominates our cassette collections to this day.
Metal Inquisition Facilities Manager Rich Pompeani is the only M.I. employee trusted to care for our beloved Alex Perialas cassette collection. Here we see Rich carefully relabeling one of three Fistful Of Metal dub copies in our collection.
You see, long before Scott Burns was making dozens of dollars producing albums for the likes of Obituary, Sepultura and Hellwitch at Morrisound Studios, Alex Perialas was toiling away behind the knobs for such legendary, life-changing recordings as "U.S.A. for M.O.D." With all this in mind, how could we not use our investigative powers to give our readers more information about the kind of life and fortune that producing Overkill's landmark recording "Fuck You" can grant a man? We simply had to ask:
Where on earth is Alex Perialas?
Well, if you guessed Ithaca, New York...you are right! These days, Alex has traded in the exciting, and opulent life of working with Billy Milano on his vocal overdubs, as well as the privilege of working with Danny Spitz on his guitar solos for a simpler, quieter life. Alex is now an assistant professor at Ithaca College (also known as Cornell's retarded brother). Assistant professor? Can you believe that a guy like Alex can produce a masterpiece like Testament's "New Order" and they still won't give him a tenure track job? Assistant professor? That's all? For having worked on the S.O.D. album alone they should let him be Dean of the school of music, AND be the head of the political science program. Can you think of a better candidate for the job? I sure can't.
Here we see Alex playing S.O.D.'s classic track "Speak English Or Die" to a group of Guatemalan children, as he explains to them that the title of the song was meant to be ironic, and that no harm was meant by it. Sadly, the children didn't understand a word he said since, well....they don't speak English.
So what type of life can you live when royalty checks from Megaforce records are flying in every month (signed by the one and only Johnny Z)? Sadly, not a fantastic one. According to the City of Ithaca's records office, Alex's humble home is valued at a modest $155,000. To our European readers, due to the current exchange rate, that comes out to roughly 6 Euros.
As you can see in this picture of his home, Alex needs to do some weeding pronto. Maybe Bobby Blitz can come over and take care of it, I'm sure he needs some money and steady work right about now.
So has Alex simply faded away into a life in academia? Oh no. Once you've worked on a Pro-Pain album you can't simply hide your production abilities from the world. To the contrary, you must share those abilities. It's for that reason that Alex is now the proud owner of Pyramid Studios, a place that he no doubt imagined would be filled with the kind of action and hot ladies that were commonplace in Anthrax, and Testament recording sessions back in the day. Sadly, thrash metal is dead, and the studio is in Ithaca, so the only thing he's recording is the sound of tumbleweed rolling around in the state of the art drum room. Such is life. Thrash metal is dead. The end of that era came long ago...but at least it's alive in our cassette collections and in our hold music here at M.I. headquarters. In keeping it alive, Alex's spirit will remain alive forever. FOREVER I TELL YOU!
In closing, I say we all watch the video below together and remember a time when both Alex and bermuda shorts reigned supreme. By the way, what the hell was up with Joey Belladonna's mic stand? He had the mic on half a mic stand, which had no base. It looks ridiculous. I can just imagine the tantrums he would have if a roadie didn't have his half-mic stand ready for a show.
"Are you kidding me? Do you expect me to sing into a full mic stand, or even worse, carry my mic around in my hand without my half mic-stand which looks like a broom stick? Oh hell no. I'm not performing under these circumstances! I played drums on I'm The Man! I sang on Madhouse! I deserve better than this!"
Perhaps he was influenced by Kind Diamond's patented femur half-mic stand.
Could it be true? Could the aging metal choo-choo train known as Slayer be coming to it's well deserved and (some might say) long-awaited stop? Based on their age and ability to produce quality music, it would certainly make sense. Tom Araya seems to agree, at least about the age part. Still, one has to wonder if perhaps Tom's catholic guilt has finally gotten to him, after singing "The Anti-Christ" one too many times. Here's part of an interview with Tom, where he discusses the eventual end of the cash cow known as Slayer:
"I don't see it going any further than a certain point in time. We have one more record to do, which is our deal with [producer Rick] Rubin, and we'll have to sit down and discuss the future. But I can't really see myself doing this at a later age."
"There have been remarks made about seeing an old man head-bang," laughs Araya. "And I have to agree. I think the Stones can do that, probably go out and do their stuff in their 80s, but it just wouldn't look right [for us], you know what I mean?
Kerry King responded to such comments in a recent interview:
Interviewer: Tom said that after the next Slayer album, you guys would have to discuss your future as a band, because he's reaching an age where it might no longer be viable.
King: I haven't even heard that. He hasn't talked to me about it. But after taking 10 months off, I bet you he's recharged and ready to rock. As far as I'm concerned, I look at people like Ronnie James Dio and Rob Halford and I think, 'Shit, maybe I'm not done!'"
Unable to make car payments, Kerry King has been forced to take the occasional baby sitting job as of late. Aside from providing Kerry with some extra pocket change, it has sent a clear sign to his wife that he's finally ready to settle down, stop acting like a douche, and make some babies. He'll probably keep wearing huge camo pants, but at least it's a start.
I understand both points of view. Tom wants to spend time at home with his family, going to church picnics and tending to his mane. Kerry wants to make more money so he can keep eating, and at one point finally launch his wrestling career.
No matter how awesome rednecks in Kansas think Tom is, his daughter still cries in embarrassment when forced to be seen with her aging dad.
Metallica is big business, and not just because of the recent release of these amazingly comfortable "Master of Puppets" underpants.
1. Wall Street Journal reports on quality of new album: With all the upheaval in the financial markets, is there one financial institution that is still making money and may still be worth reporting on? Why yes, there's always Metallica. I know, I know...Metallica are not a metal band and no longer matter at all. I get it. Still, if you're my age or older...you remember a time when they mattered very much. As such, imagine my surprise when I opened the Wall Street Journal to check on my extensive and diverse stock portfolio (Earache Records, Blue Grape Merchandise, Axxis Drum Pedals, EMG Pickups) and found news about Metallica's new album instead. As it turns out, the new album sucks balls, and not just for the usual reasons (lack of musical ability, lack of songwriting skills, lack of a drummer etc). If you thought St. Anger's mix was bad, Death Magnetic has some issues as well, and it has nothing to do with Trujillo's crabwalking. Fans are signing petitions to have the album remixed, and album's mastering engineer agrees, saying:
"Believe me, I'm not proud to be associated with this one."
Those are exactly the words of every single person that has been involved with every Metallica project after And Justice For ALl. You can read the article here, or just look at this fancy graphic, courtesy of the WSJ. I don't want them to sue our asses, and I believe that by crediting them, we'll be just fine. I took one class about law in a Community College once. I'm an expert.
2. Metallica hires Turner Duckworth to rebrand itself What should an ailing band that has not produced quality music in ages do in order to better itself? First you hire a psychiatrist (as we saw in Some Kind Of Monster), and then you hire a branding agency. Why? Metallica is a brand, you see, and as such it deserves the same treatment that the likes of Coke and Amazon.com have gotten from Turner Duckworth. Look, I'm not naive. I don't object to this on the basis that branding implies big business. I'm okay with that. I know that Metallica makes tons of money, and that they're a business with employees like any other type of company. My objection is based on the fact that Metallica bandmembers honestly think that this is even worth pursuing. Forgive me for using such an overused comparison, but this is like rearranging the deck furniture on the Titanic. Kerry King (out of all people) said it best. Metallica are a sinking ship. A huge, bloated ship. Read the story here.
One of the primary components of a brand is a logo. Turner Duckworth no doubt charged tons of money to the bloated monster known as Metallica to make their logo back into what it was during And Justice For All.
This is part two of the investigative report by Metal Inquisition about real estate in the world of metal. Part one can be found here. With all the talk of sub-prime loans on the news, we felt it was only right to investigate how real estate affects the world of metal. In our last report we looked at the homes of such luminaries as Dave Mustaine, Glenn Danzig and Jason Newsted. Today we round up a whole new group. Sadly, I was unable to get any pictures of the depressing apartments that members of Carnivore live in these days. I was also unable to find any pictures of Mortiis' castle. Still, these are pretty good. Enjoy.
Vinnie Paul
Honestly, I thought Vinnie Paul would have a nicer home. This thing looks like a collection of barns and shipping containers that were thrown into a garbage heap. Then again, what else would you expect from a fat white dude from Texas? This is in Arlington Texas (part of Dallas), where I thought you'd be able to buy something a little nicer with the insurance money you made after having your brother shot. Oh, damn. That's a joke. Too soon still? Come on. Seriously, I thought having a Pearl signature snare drum (finished in sweet snake skin) would at least buy you something that looked halfway like a house, not this pile of white trash rubble.
Geezer Butler
Okay, so this house is in Beverly Hills...but when you compare it to Ozzy's house it makes you want to cry. Poor Geezer, not only is his name "Geezer", but this is all he can afford. The poor guy toured for years with Ronnie James Dio just to save up for a down payment, and this is all he got. He probably tells people that he owns it, but doesn't live in it. "Oh, it's just an investment property." Right, sure. See that small white building in the back behind the pool? That's where he keeps a punching bag that has Ozzy's face on it. He punches it for four hours every afternoon, and then collapses in tears. He ends up in the fetal position, which is how he falls asleep every night. He then wakes up in the morning, and the same thing happens all over again.
Ronnie James Dio
Speaking of Dio, this is his modest home in Studio City, California. Yup, this is where the inventor of "throwing the horns" lives. Again, comparing this to Ozzy's house is enough to make anyone cry. For that matter, compare it to Gene Simmons' house (from the first part of this report), the other guy who also claims to have invented throwing the horns. See that white truck in front of his house? Well, Ronnie is Italian (real name Ronald Padavona), and like any real Italian he keeps a bread delivery route. Look, it's hard work, but I bet you anything that it pays way more than touring with Dio. Mortgage payments don't make themselves you know.
Mike Portnoy
You know how Dream Theater is kinda' prog, but not really? Similarly, this house is kinda' like a McMansion, but not really. It's not even big enough. Like Dream Theater's musical output, the house barely inspires a "meh" response from those that drive by. Also, it's worth mentioning that the house is in Coopersburg Pennsylvania, a suburb of Allentown. Living in a suburb of Allentown is like being a wart on a wart. Do you see the trampolin off to the left? That's where Mike Portnoy practices jumping up and down after he hears that people in countries outside the US actually care at all about Dream Theater, or his awful side projects.
Metal Inquisition once again opens its video vault, this time to reveal footage of Robb Flynn prior to contracting the very disease that would be named after him. I remember watching this footage of Vio-Lence when it first came out (1990) and thinking these guys were absolutely rad. Now I look at this footage and realize that they all look like meth dealers who were molested by their uncles. Were they sponsored by Fruit Of The Loom? What's with all the sweatpants, sweatshirts and gym socks? Jesus. Also, please note the amazing facial hair.
Anyway, please pay attention to the shy gentleman wearing the sweet Metal Church hat. That young man, the one with the quiet demeanor, is none other than Robb Flynn. Who knew that such a nice guy would go on to be such a huge douche bag. Come to think of it, as silly as the guys in Vio-Lence look in this interview...I much prefer it to what Robb has gone on to do, both musically and fashion-wise. Ah, the good old days.
Lastly, if any of you out there are in a band, it's very important that you pay close attention to this whole video. Here, the guys in the band break down how they got signed and went on sell tens of records worldwide. Apparently, doing a "demo giveaway through Mechanic" is the key to their success. This video also offers a quick primer on how to deal with the media. Apparently, you have to talk into the camera. Watch and learn.
A few weeks back fellow Metal Inquisition staffer SkullKrusher posted some gems from his vinyl collection. I, of course, also have a respectable collection of metal vinyl, but instead I thought I'd share with you something else very special--my metal cassette collection.
Yes, I know that vinyl is much cooler, but I'm a child of the 80s; the audio cassette provided the soundtrack to much of my life. I still remember buying my first cassette in 5th grade (Ugly Kid Joe's As Ugly As They Wanna Be EP) and making my dad drive me to the Wiz so I could buy Metallica's black album (not worth the gas it cost). I spent countless hours of my teen years making shitty mix tapes from CDs and stuff I taped off of WSOU (back when they still played real metal). And really, when it comes to reproducing the muddy, lifeless production of Scott Burns what better choice is there than a hissing, mangled cassette?
And now, without further ado, I present to you six gems from my metal cassette collection:
Still to this day, Demilich's Nespithe remains one of the most twisted and original death metal albums of all time. Featuring the sickest guttural vocals ever recorded and bizarre, nonsensical song titles like "The Sixteenth Six-Tooth Son of Fourteen Four-Regional Dimensions (Still Unnamed)" these guys put Finland on the map when everyone was busy jerking off to Swedish death metal. I bought this cassette from drummer extraordinaire Dave Witte a few year ago when he was selling off his cassette collection (What an idiot!).
One of the few black metal bands that does not blow. These guys are like the Cynic of black metal. Not nearly as technical, but you can hear a lot of jazz and progressive influences. And instead of robot vocals you get weirdo goth vocals that sound like a cross between Leonard Cohen and Peter Murphy. A lot of the songs on this demo were re-recorded for their full length, which is awesome, but this remains my favorite stuff they've ever done because of the rawer production. I got this tape from Double Decker Records in Allentown, PA back when I was in college. They bought some dude's metal collection and it was the sickest I've ever seen. Just about every great metal record released in the 80s in either mint edition or still sealed as well as tons of early 90s black metal that must now be worth a small fortune (I still regret not having bought more, but I was a poor college student), and a bunch of tapes and t-shirts (I bought a size XL Dark Angel "LA Caffeine Machine" t-shit that was so big it came down to my knees).
I have no idea why I bought this tape. I can get into De Mysteriis Dom Sathanas, but this fucking sucks. It's a live bootleg and it sounds like shit. I've only ever listened to it once and I couldn't even get through the first song. Is this at least worth anything?
Here's a fun game to play with friends when you're doing laps around the Newark airport waiting for someone's flight to arrive: put the Grindcrusher comp in your tape deck and see if you can name all the bands without looking at the case. Sure some of them are easy, but I dare most of you retards to tell the difference between Intense Degree and Sore Throat. When I played this game with Lucho Metales he couldn't even guess Repulsion (POSER)!
Gorguts's early material doesn't get nearly as much love as it deserves. As far as brutal mid-tempo 90s death metal goes, it doesn't get any better than this. Plus, it's one of the few albums Scott Burns ever produced that doesn't sound like complete shit. Blue Grape, they just don't make merch like you used to.
When I'm cruising over the Pulaski Skyway in my Mercury Cougar there's nothing better than singing along to this, my favorite Iron Maiden album, blasting out of my tape deck. When I saw them last month and they played "Moonchild" and "The Clairvoyant" during the encore I was so excited that I was momentarily able to forgot about Janick Gers prancing around onstage like a girl twirling his guitar.
