Where are they now: Danny Spitz (with a little Nicko McBrain thrown in for good measure)

Check out Danny's eyes, he's looking in 27 different directions at the same time.

Known the world-over for our hard-hitting research and investigative reports, Metal Inquisition once again steps up to deliver the goods. This time we are looking into one of our favorite figures in the world of metal. I'm referring, of course, to the leading 5'1", cross-eyed watchmaker in the greater Boca Raton area: Danny Spitz.

We've reported before about Danny's business ventures, but decided to take a closer look at his life, and accomplishments away from the world of metal. What did we find? Some watches, some Maiden and a whole lot of baby Jesus.

Who's that tiny man behind the big desk? Is that one of Santa's elves hard at work in the workshop?

After years of playing with Anthrax, Danny was kicked out due to "a severe disinterest in playing guitar." After that time, Danny decided to cut his ties to music, going as far as ripping out all stereos from has cars. This is according to his website, but to be fair he probably did so because a cassette of Attack Of The Killer B's was probably stuck in there. Can you blame the guy? I'd rip out my car stereo too. He also gave away most of his guitars to Hard Rock Cafes all over the world. Damn! If any reader has seen his Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Jackson flying-v while munching on a delicious cheeseburger in a Hard Rock Cafe in a Caribbean island, please let me know on the double! I dream of being in the presence of that sweet axe!

I dream of looking at that amazing fretboard while I dine on a fine cheeseburger.

It was at that time that Danny went on to pursue his life-long dream of learning how to replace watch bands, and batteries. Perhaps one day he was walking by a Dakota Watch Company stand at the mall, and he thought to himself "I really want to change batteries and watchbands, just like that teenager. By god, I will pursue this dream!". Danny got a bunch of degrees in Switzerland from schools no one has ever heard of, and he's now licensed to change the batteries in my Casio calculator watch.

Danny on graduation day in Switzerland. Is that Lars Ulrich to his right? Does this mean that Lars also knows how to change my watch battery? If it is Lars, he's actually the tallest person in a picture for once!

Danny now owns his own repair shop in Boca Raton, and has attempted to launch his own watch company. It was at his Boca Raton shop that he reconnected with Nicko McBrain from Iron Maiden, who went in to get a strap on his watch replaced or something. This is where things get more interesting, at least for me. Nicko and Danny started making music in Danny's studio after meeting up at the shop. Aside for their shared love of music, watches, and living in Florida (who knew Boca Raton was the preferred retirement spot for aging rockers?), they are both really into Jesus. Big time. You see, Danny was born Jewish, but converted to Messianic Judaism, which really has nothing to do with Judaism. They believe in good ol' JC, and are similar to Jews For Jesus. As a matter of fact, once you convert to Messianic Judaism, Israel will refuse to give you citizenship. But enough about that. Turns out, Nicko is also way into the Lord. He converted upon setting foot inside Spanish River Church, a Boca Raton mega-church, after his wife begged him to go. Once inside the church, he began to cry uncontrollably, according to him.

Nice to see that Nicko has already started to wear the standard-issue David Koresh glasses. Nothing accents a pug-face like his like those shop safety glasses do. Nice job Nicko.

So it makes sense that these two started to play music. Though there is no word from Anthrax about Danny's possible attempts to convert them, Nicko says the following about Iron Maiden:

"I can't say to you that I'm trying to convert all these guys in my band to be Christians. I'm leading them on my route, and if they choose to follow what God's plan is in the Bible, that's up to them. I say to them all, you know, look, in my belief, at the moment, if you turn to your saviour Jesus Christ, I'll have eternal life in Heaven with you!"

Anyway the band they started, called 7x70 (a biblical refereence), also featudred Vanilla Ice (no joke), and Dave Ellefson from Megadeth, though Dave never actually played with them. No material was ever released. It's sad that the world missed out on the amazing music that such a brain trust would surely put together. Can you imagine? I picture it starting out with the bass line from Peace Sells. After that, the drums from Run To the Hills start up (yes, I know Clive Burr played that song originally) and then some sweet leads kick in courtesy of Danny. Once it all gets going, Vanilla Ice starts rapping over the whole thing. Can you say "amazing"?

Danny is currently doing another band with members from Accept and King Diamond, who are no doubt born again christians of some sort as well. Danny actually unveiled his plans for this band at the Cornerstone Festival. In his site he wrote:

I do feel (as I did in the past) that I have created an entirely new sound never heard by the human ear before.

"As I did in the past"? Is he talking about his solo in "Indians", because I would have to agree. That shit was blazin'! Anyway, Danny is now married to a woman named Candi. Who he said this about:

Not to confuse all you horny men out there that might think I have found the love of my life by her looks, big boobs, and fine butt alone... but Candi is the most kind-hearted, giving, and devoted partner I have ever had the pleasure of touching. She is a gift from the Lord and has an extensive education uinder her blonde belt.

Uh...okay. Candi is the daughter of a lesbian singer from Tampa, who primaraly sings Judy Garland showtunes. This is her site. They have twins together, who act in Volkswagen commercials (the latest ones for the minivan which star Brooke Shields) and were also in the Batman movie. If you are way into babies, you can read a whole interview about them here. Move over Olsen twins! Mini-Daddy needs to cash in after being fired from Anthrax!

Oh my! Look at that facial hair! Do I detect a mild case of Robb Flynn's disease? Also, those are so amazingly sculpted eyebrows.

After typing all this down, I'm both tired and depressed. I'm gonna' go listen to Among The Living while I take a nap.

Metal Spokesmen: An Overview (Part 3 of 3)

One of the most ebullient TV spokesmen, Tony Little has been a fixture in American television for decades, selling his exercise equipment while sporting his fantastic hat/pony tail combo. Though you may think someone like Tony Little probably has nothing to do with the world of metal, you'd be wrong. Read on, and you will see just how similar Manowar's spokesman is to Tony Little.

This is the final post of our three post series about spokesmen in the realm of metal. I'm sorry about the fact that it took three full posts, but there were simply way too many to put in one post.

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Homoerotic warrior


Largely based on He-Man action figures, Manowar's warrior is the pinnacle of homoeroticism in the world of metal, perhaps only beaten by those pictures of Manowar wearing furry armor. For some reason, Manowar's warrior enjoys wearing a spiked cockring around his leg, don't ask me why. Upstate New York is a fucked up place.

Coolness: 2
Evilness: 1
Backpatch worthiness: 7

Total MSM score: 10



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Crazy Mask Guy

If I ever end up in a mental institution, I hope they give me a cool red leather straight jacket.

Though hardly metal, Quiet Riot also attempted to have a spokesperson. Their answer came in the shape of this crazy dude with a mask, who they used in multiple covers. Like Vic and Eddie, he was played by an actual person on their videos. I don't have much to say about this character, except that I highly doubt that mental health professionals would allow him to keep pins of his favorite band on his red leather straight jacket. Sorry, I can only suspend disbelief for so long. Oh, and one last thing. The pun in this album's name took me about ten years to get. I'm retarded.

Coolness: 4
Evilness: 2
Backpatch worthiness: 3

Total MSM score: 9



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Gas Mask Guy


Somewhat related to Sacred Reich's masked surfer, Sodom's spokesmen was a faceless soldier with the standard issue gas mask. Again, what in the hell was the obsession with toxic waste and gas masks in the 80s? Aside from the fact that he was often drawn rather badly (on this cover, he looks like he's melting), the concept was strong and certainly set the mood. Another plus about this character is that he took our attention away from the Sodom logo, which looks like it was drawn by a drunk 5 year old. I know some people like the logo (the same idiots who like all those scrawny, asymmetrical black metal logos), but I don't care. You're all wrong. As a spokesperson, I picture this masked guy on the Home Shopping Network pitching the new Sodom album. Due to his mask, he'd be barely audible. Sales would plummet, and he'd be fired. He would be replaced by Sacred Reich's masked surfer who is currently out of work.

Coolness: 6
Evilness: 7
Backpatch worthiness: 7

Total MSM score: 20



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Helmet-wearing Skull Dude



One of the lesser known spokesmen in the world of metal is Rumble Militia's helmet-wearing skull dude. Though the lyrical content in this album deals largely with concepts like racial equality and the like...these Germans seem pretty comfortable making their spokesman wear a godamned Nazi helmet. I don't get it. Yes, I noticed that he has a red star on the helmet and a red shirt with a star...but come on. My brother and I bought this tape in 1991 because the band was on Century Media. Boy were we let down. Aside from one rather poppy song that I've had stuck in my head ever since, the album is a pile of doo-doo. Still, you have to give them props for stepping up to the spokesperson arena and throwing their Nazi helmet into the ring.

Coolness: 2
Evilness: 4 (He's wearing a Nazi helmet for god's sake!)
Backpatch worthiness: 0

Total MSM score: 6


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Vic Rattlehead

Oh my god, do you see the sticker on the cover of this single? It came with a free Vic mask? Holy crap! How badly do I want to fire up the Nocturnus time machine in order to go buy one of these!

Perhaps one of the best known metal spokesmen is Vic Rattlehead. He's also one of the few (if not the only) to have a last name. This is both a testament to Mustaine's stupidity and stubborness. Vic's last name is also the super-secret name under which Megadeth books itself to play incognito shows, Vic And The Rattleheads. Shhhh, don't tell anyone. It's a secret. Anyway, Vic is a jack of all trades. Like Eddie, he's extremely versatile and able to play a scientist, orchestra conductor, a zombie and so many other roles. Like Laaz Rockit's angry army guy, Vic has had the honor of coming to life in video form. In Hangar 18, he came to life as a dude wearing a mask and holding skeleton hands out of his sleeves. If you are interested in that video, you can enjoy my full review of it here. Vic was also seen in photographic depiction on the cover of So Far, So Good, So What. If you're going to ask me why Vic is on the moon on that cover (see the earth over his shoulder?), I have no idea. I also don't think that things like grenades would work on the moon, since I think they need air to explode. I've heard that you actually can shoot guns in the moon though...but whatever. The bigger question is: why are Vic's sunglasses riveted on? Why are the wires from his headphones chains? Are those headphones Ipod compatible? Vic gives us more questions than answers. Just like Megadeth, because I know when I heard their music, I always ask "who listens to this?" One last note, did you know that Dave Mustaine held a contest recently so that fans could redesign Vic? Oh, it's true. See the finalists here.

Coolness: 6
Evilness: 5
Backpatch worthiness: 7

Total MSM score: 18


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Overall Results:
The Voivod skull is the winner, with Sergeant D as a close second. If you care about these very important results, please double check my math, because I barely paid attention when adding.

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Honorable Mentions:
DRI (Moshing/running dude), Misfits (Crimson Ghost), Danzig/Samhain (Goat Skull Thing), Motorhead (Screaming skull/helmet thing which a reader informs us is called "Snaggletooth B. Motörhead"), C.O.C's (Toxic skull thing), Blind Guardian (Robed wizard guy). Any others we forgot? I'm sure there's plenty more.

Metal Spokesmen: An Overview (Part 1 of 3)

If you've watched any American television, you've probably seen plenty of infomercials, and thus come to understand the importance of having a great spokesperson for your product. Pictured above is the exuberant and ever-present Billy Mays, who is basically like Iron Maiden's Eddie, but for Oxy Clean, and numerous other cleaning products. In the world of metal, the role of spokesman was basically started by Eddie, who has single-handedly come to represent Iron Maiden. Notice that I use the word "spokesman", not "mascot", as I see the spokesman's role as extending past that of a mascot. In this post (1 of 2) I will survey the metal landscape in order to further understand Eddie and other metal spokesmen. I will be rating them all according to my Metal Spokesman Metrics (MSM for short). Note: the scores I will give are for the spokesperson and their value, not the band or their output.


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Eddie

I hope Eddie's insurance through Iron Maiden Corp. includes dental coverage...because eating those letters made of stone can be hard on enamel.

Eddie IS Iron Maiden. Eddie could probably go on the Home Shopping Network and sell Maiden jackets and bandanas with ease. He's the embodiment of the metal spokesperson. I imagine his voice being soothing, with a pleasant but not overbearing British accent. I'm sure he'd have his moments of anger on camera while on the Home Shopping Network...perhaps if he didn't know which camera to show the bandana to...but aside from that, he'd be a pro.

Over the years, other bands have tried to jump on the spokesman bandwagon, trying to create an identifiable brand that would create continuity in their artwork and stage shows. Eddie's versatility over the years has been truly amazing. Even though the guy seems to have no brain, and only two screws hold his skull shut, he's been able to play a mental patient, a pilot, a soldier...the list goes on and on. The guy is like the Sean Connery of metal. In a shockingly postmodern/self-referential turn, Eddie has even been asked to play a member of the very band he represents! Amazing, I know! I should tell you that I object to the fact that Maiden has fired Derek Riggs, the man who created Eddie. Looking at the current work he's doing, however, perhaps it's for the best. Take a look for yourself. By the way, did everyone see that awful video a few years ago where members of the band were racing cars inside Eddie? I think the animation was done by students at DeVry.

Coolness: 6
Evilness: 8
Backpatch worthiness: 7

Total MSM score: 21




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Sergeant D

Could someone please explain to me what the background behind Sergeant D's head is supposed to be? Why is his head floating? Is his head mounted on a wall like a deer or something? Did Charlie just take so long to draw the face that after he was done he just said "Ah, fuck it, I'll just draw some crap as the background, I'm tired"

Sergeant D was a fictional character that members of SOD made up. I've heard them explain it as him being a "funny fascist character" before. I don't know how funny fascism can be, maybe Mr. Gene Hoglan's Balls can ask his Italian family members and let us know. I know when I think "funny", I think "fascist". Don't you? Anyway, the character was drawn with felt-tip markers (you can see it very clearly, along with the ballpoint pen lines on the LP) by Charlie. I've never understood what the background behind Sergeant D is supposed to be. Are those two metal swords with a wooden fence behind them? Why is Sergeant D's head floating magically? It also took me forever to realize that the thing in his mouth was a cigar. Charlie's foreshortening needs some work...or perhaps I need glasses. Also, if he's a "fascist" why does he have an anarchy sign on his helmet? I would say that an oppressive, totalitarian state is kinda' diametrically opposed to the concept of anarchy. No?

SOD has continued to use the character, even going as far as having him replace Eddie on the cover of one of their horrible albums. Billy Milano went on to use the same character, more or less, for MOD. And why wouldn't he? He already stole the name and the concept of the band to keep himself from starving to death. Okay, so the band name is one letter off. As I've said before, that would be like Dave Mustaine starting a band called Netallica after being kicked out of Metallica.


Coolness: 6
Evilness: 9 (He's a fascist/nazi corpse! That's plenty evil in my book.)
Backpatch worthiness: 9 (I had a small patch of the cover on my jacket, back before I knew English. Imagine my surprise when I learned English and figured out what the patch said!)

Total MSM score: 24



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Drunk Alien

Is he flying around space in his refrigerator spaceship? Damn, Germans have ALL the cool technology!

I don't know a whole lot about Tankard's drunken alien. Partially inspired by the movie Gremlins, this fun loving character appears to enjoy alcoholic beverages from planet earth, kinda like ALF and cats. The idea of having a cute spokesman like this for your metal band is ridiculous. I get it, you're a fun German band made up of fat drunks...but having a Gremlin on your covers really ruins the whole concept as far as I'm concerned.


Coolness: 2
Evilness: 1 (I guess I'd be kinda' scared if I woke up and saw a German Gremlin going through my fridge)
Backpatch worthiness: 0

Total MSM score: 2 (*Mathematical error noted)


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Angry Army Dude

While many thrash bands in the 80's were big fans of pseudo political content with slight lefty leanings, Laaz Rockit chose to keep it real by making an insane American army dude their spokesperson. USA! USA! USA!

Never one to innovate in any way, Laaz Rockit jumped into the spokesman arena with their angry, army guy. Clearly influenced by Rambo, this american lunatic is out to make things right for the USA. The character was seen on a few record covers and even made an appearance in Rockit's seminal video for "Fire In The Hole". In that video, the character was apparently played by the same buy who played Drago in Rocky V. I should also mention that Laaz Rockit, like Helloween, had some branding issues. At one point the band tried to change things up by going with a mad scientist whose insides were made out of toxic goo as their spokesperson. This direction didn't last. By the way, what the hell was it with thrash bands in the 80's being obsessed with toxic waste? Look for a post about that in the near future.

Coolness: 6
Evilness: 5
Backpatch worthiness: 2

Total MSM score: 13


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Fun Pumpkin/Faceless Robe Guy

Like so many things about Germany, Helloween's spokesperson schizophrenia expresses the duality of a country still coming to grips with its political past.

Helloween tried two different directions when it came to choosing a spokesperson. First, they went with the creepy faceless dude wearing a robe. This certainly made them seem scary and magical in a way...kinda like Lord Of the Rings or something. Then, a change happened. The band wanted to be more fun, perhaps influenced by members of Anthrax wearing shorts. They wanted to have the audience sing "Happy Helloween" to the tune of "London Bridge Is Fallin' Down" in the I Want Out live EP. As a result of this change in direction, the creepy dude simply didn't cut it. So they went to the fun pumpkin guy. Personally, I like the faceless dude more...even if it's a mismatch for their musical output. I will judge both combined.


Coolness: 5
Evilness: 4 (faceless guy is cool, but the pumpkin takes it right back down)
Backpatch worthiness: 5

Total MSM score: 14



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Flying Skull/Bat Thing

I don't know why that dude is hiding from the flying skull with bat wings, but he better watch out! That thing is shooting godamned lasers out of its eyes!

Perhaps best known for its appearance in the the Hello From The Gutter video, and thus subsequently being referenced by Bevis and Butthead, Overkill's flying skull thing has been a mainstay of Overkill's artwork from the band's start. In order to educate our readers, I should tell you that Overkill's spokesperson (not mascot damnit, these entities are integral parts of the band's brand), is named "Chaly", I don't know why. Wikipedia says:

The band also has a notable mascot (named Chaly), a skeletal bat with a skull-like face, bony wings, and green eyes. It has appeared on most of their album covers.

I'm not sure exactly how a human skull can have bat wings which are themselves not bones, but have flesh on them. This apparent mutation is exactly the type of thing that can only happen in Overkill's home state of New Jersey.

Coolness: 6
Evilness: 8 (You can laugh all you want, but if you were being chased by a flying skull...you'd agree that this thing is pretty evil)
Backpatch worthiness: 4

Total MSM score: 18

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On Monday, part 2 will be posted. It will feature the likes of Sodom , Sacred Reich, Voivod, Anthrax, Megadeth, Quiet Riot, and even Rumble Militia. Stay tuned.

Metal bloopers

Metal Inquisition staffers have searched high and low in order to bring you the most hilarious and unbelievable metal bloopers, outakes and blunders...and no, we are not including Benediction's entire catalog in this post.

Enjoy these videos, and don't take a drink before you watch these, it will end up all over your monitor! Ha ha ha!


We sure hope Bruce Dickinson's insurance covers his scrotum ripping in half!





Apparently, Steve Harris has trouble staying upright too! Hope his scrotum doesn't also rip in half. Ha ha ha! Maybe that's why he has that thick, padded bass strap, for when he falls on his ass.






Considering how big of a douche Gene Simmons is, I think we can all enjoy this clip of his hair catching on fire. If you want to watch an even funnier blooper, you can watch his sex tape (obviously not work safe).






Watch Jason Newsted fall down, much like his side-project Echobrain did. Oh my goodness!






Watch Dave Mustaine throw a mega-tantrum. I bet you this was exactly his reaction when his wife proposed that they start a coffee company.







Cannibal Corpse's Corpsegrinder gets mad about the fact that members of the audience are throwing money at him. Considering what the low royalty percentages must be for a band like Cannibal Corpse, I would simply put the change in my pocket and call it a day.







Did you know that Danzig sang for Iron Maiden? Well, he didn't...but in this video you can watch Blaze Bayley do his best Danzig impression as fans appear to taunt the band and demand their money back due to his horrendous singing. Let us not forget, however, that Blaze has had a fair share of succesfull projects after his time with Maiden, like being the spokesperson for this hair restoration company.








Paul Stanley vs. Laser Pointer. Watch as Paul breaks character and stops talking like a southern black woman, but only for a second. Kinda hard to take threats seriously when they come from a 63 year old jewish woman in make-up and a rhinestone studded belt.







In case anyone is wondering, no we haven't run out of material. We simply LOVE bloopers. Can you blame us?

More Metal Tattoos From The Interweb

Thanks to the magic of search engines and the internet, we once again take you for a spin around the world of metal tattoos. Hold on tight, it's going to be a depressing and bumpy ride.



1. The line-up of bands on his leg is enough to make you gag.
2. The guy's disgusting hairy leg and crotch shot are enough to make you barf.
3. The fact that the guy is married (see wedding band) is enough to make you loose all hope and respect for women.

How many of you were surprised that the asshole who has this tattoo is wearing white hi-tops, and white ankle socks. Anyone? No? Good. I wasn't either.

This picture is proof that men are not only idiots, but also gross. Look at that disgusting armpit hair, or whatever body part that is. I've never felt so hetero in my life.

The Sarge and I saw Fear Factory some years ago in what was basically a midwestern parking lot. They played a Pantera song, and we both got the douche chills. This is the kind of tattoo that the dude who has it would show to the band members with great pride. The band members would then go "uh....wow...really? Sheesh. Wow."

Look, I know that the guy's dead and everything. It's sad, wah, wah, wah...but how big of a douche do you have to be to get this on your arm? I can just picture the guy getting it constantly reminding the tattoo dude "remember to make the goatee red, it's very important. I'm a huge fan of how he looked during the Far Beyond Driven years!"

This guy is my hero. I'm not being ironic. He's rad.

Late addition, suggested by a reader in the comments section. I don't even know where to start! The awful rendering with the fu-manchu mustache, the hat, the goatee, the pimples on Dimebag's forehead....oh and did I mention the Heavy Metal logo?

Who is the only person dumber than Max Cavalera? The guy who gets a tattoo of Max Cavalera.

Now this, my friends, is commitment. I would love to meet this guy and tell him "I'm a real Queensryche fan, not like you" just to watch his blood boil and his head blow up.





Any readers out there have band-related ink? Tell the truth, I know there's at least one Napalm Death or a Nasty Savage tattoo out there somewhere.

Dave Mustaine Interviewed By A Puppet

Mustaine being interviewed by a brainless creature. No, not Riki Rachtman. A puppet from a Japanese TV show.

The content of the interview may not be the funniest thing ever, but seeing Dave Mustaine keep a straight face while being interviewed by a godamned puppet on Japanese television is insanely funny. At least to me. Can you imagine how hard up you have to be for press, in order to to hear a guy from your label say "So, it's an interview show...but the interview is done by a paper mache puppet, doesn't that sound like a fun time?" and you actually agree to do it? This is yet another moment in metal history that ends up looking exactly like a bad SNL sketch.

Due to his tearful breakdown in the movie Some Kind Of Monster, we now know exactly what was going through his mind while this interview was taking place:

" Jesus, Lars is so rich right now that he's probably buying a mansion and getting himself new chiclet teeth. Kirk probably has enough in the bank already to try all kinds of experimental hair replacement methods...and I'm here being interviewed by a damn puppet. How embarrassing. Thank god that no computer network exists where people around the world will be able to watch this footage. This whole thing is between me, the puppet and Dave Ellefson. Hmmm...I hope to one day tell Lars how I really felt about being thrown out of the band. Thank god for the fact that the day that happens, it will be a private moment that won't be filmed for a major motion picture. At least I have that to look forward to, and to keep me from crying as I get interviewed by this creepy Asian puppet."

Metal Inquisition Investigative Report: Metal Real Estate (Part 2)

This is part two of the investigative report by Metal Inquisition about real estate in the world of metal. Part one can be found here. With all the talk of sub-prime loans on the news, we felt it was only right to investigate how real estate affects the world of metal. In our last report we looked at the homes of such luminaries as Dave Mustaine, Glenn Danzig and Jason Newsted. Today we round up a whole new group. Sadly, I was unable to get any pictures of the depressing apartments that members of Carnivore live in these days. I was also unable to find any pictures of Mortiis' castle. Still, these are pretty good. Enjoy.

Vinnie Paul

Honestly, I thought Vinnie Paul would have a nicer home. This thing looks like a collection of barns and shipping containers that were thrown into a garbage heap. Then again, what else would you expect from a fat white dude from Texas? This is in Arlington Texas (part of Dallas), where I thought you'd be able to buy something a little nicer with the insurance money you made after having your brother shot. Oh, damn. That's a joke. Too soon still? Come on. Seriously, I thought having a Pearl signature snare drum (finished in sweet snake skin) would at least buy you something that looked halfway like a house, not this pile of white trash rubble.

Geezer Butler

Okay, so this house is in Beverly Hills...but when you compare it to Ozzy's house it makes you want to cry. Poor Geezer, not only is his name "Geezer", but this is all he can afford. The poor guy toured for years with Ronnie James Dio just to save up for a down payment, and this is all he got. He probably tells people that he owns it, but doesn't live in it. "Oh, it's just an investment property." Right, sure. See that small white building in the back behind the pool? That's where he keeps a punching bag that has Ozzy's face on it. He punches it for four hours every afternoon, and then collapses in tears. He ends up in the fetal position, which is how he falls asleep every night. He then wakes up in the morning, and the same thing happens all over again.

Ronnie James Dio

Speaking of Dio, this is his modest home in Studio City, California. Yup, this is where the inventor of "throwing the horns" lives. Again, comparing this to Ozzy's house is enough to make anyone cry. For that matter, compare it to Gene Simmons' house (from the first part of this report), the other guy who also claims to have invented throwing the horns. See that white truck in front of his house? Well, Ronnie is Italian (real name Ronald Padavona), and like any real Italian he keeps a bread delivery route. Look, it's hard work, but I bet you anything that it pays way more than touring with Dio. Mortgage payments don't make themselves you know.

Mike Portnoy

You know how Dream Theater is kinda' prog, but not really? Similarly, this house is kinda' like a McMansion, but not really. It's not even big enough. Like Dream Theater's musical output, the house barely inspires a "meh" response from those that drive by. Also, it's worth mentioning that the house is in Coopersburg Pennsylvania, a suburb of Allentown. Living in a suburb of Allentown is like being a wart on a wart. Do you see the trampolin off to the left? That's where Mike Portnoy practices jumping up and down after he hears that people in countries outside the US actually care at all about Dream Theater, or his awful side projects.


More homes to come in part 3.

Shitty metal logos get props from the shitty design community

We all know what fags designers are, right? Fashion designers, industrial designers (I know they sound tough, but they aren't) and, of course, graphic designers. Graphic designers are the dickless shits responsible for the UPS trucks being that ugly-ass brown and for those uber-gay ipod ads. Yeah, yeah, you're cool. You know how to push a few buttons in some crappy Adobe program and you think you are better than the rest of us. I know a few graphic designers here and there and, believe me, they actually think that what they do is important. I'm not kidding. With the exception of actors, graphic designers are the most narcissistic, arrogant, big headed, proud, conceited, immodest, vain, self-important, self-satisfied, self-righteous and self-involved people in the planet. Don't believe me? Go to a bookstore and check out the graphic design section. There are hundreds and hundreds of books by designers for designers about design. They think that what they do is so vital that the world needs book after book about design. In reality, they just wanna make themselves feel better about sitting in front of an over priced ibook making pretty pictures all day.

One of these books caught my eye recently and it illustrates just how out-of-touch these black-turtleneck-wearing fags really are. The book is called "BAND ID- The Ultimate Book of Band Logos". Wow! We're lucky it's the ultimate one. See? Even in their book titles they exaggerate their importance. Anyway, this collection was put together by this dude named Bodhi Oser. He's basically a hippie looser from Venice Beach, who wouldn't last a second in a serious Biohazard pit. So, what does he know about metal? Nothing, but the combination of his ignorance and his self-righteousness make for a funny-ass book.

I know the pics are blurry and crappy, but I "borrowed" the book from this dude in my office while he was in the crapper, so I was short on time, y'know?




I can see why designers would like this logo. It's sorta symmetrical and shit, but that "L" looks like an "S" with down syndrome. I still can't get over the thought of some trendy faggy designers sitting around a conference room table discussing whether or not the Death Angel logo would "make the cut". It's just fucking preposterous.




I always loved the Anthrax logo. I'm not sure why. Maybe 'cuz it's not symmetrical, like the other thrash metal logos of the time. The Nuclear Assault logo is chuck-full-o-horribleness. I find the "E" and the double "SS" offensive on grounds of really bad typographical balance.


Emperor and their shitty logo, with skinny Ethiopian letters, can suck my balls. So can Mortiis. I'm sure he did the logo himself. God, it's as terrible as his "music". On a more positive note, Death's logo is bad-ass. Sure, the "T" is three times thicker than the rest of the letters, but it's a cross! Upside-down? Not really. It's a mystery, just like why the band started to suck shit after Leprosy. I love the Napalm Death logo, simply because it's obvious the original was rendered by a 16 year old using a ball-point pen.



Obituary and Venom are two of the radest logos in the book and they share a page! Wait, maybe the author knew something about metal after all... Nah, beginner's luck.



BARF! This whole page is shit. The Moonspell logo would be cool if the letters were fatter and more manly, but I guess that's something black metal knows nothing about, huh? My Dying Bride's logo looks like Micheal J. Fox drew it.



Cradle of Filth and Hatebreed suck, fuck'em. I probably stand alone here, but I love Pungent Stench, therefore my judgement on their logo is biased. I have the Been Caught Buttering t-shirt and I wear it all the time to this very day.



Hahaha! Overkill shares the page with a whole bunch of other shitty bands!



Morbid Angel's logo has probably won multiple awards in the design community as the shittiest logo in history. And that probably included the "logo" from "Tacos Pedrito", a tiny taqueria by my house. God, look at that "A"! It's as painful as their music! The "G" holding the pitchfork has to be the worst use of a letter form since cuneiform was invented in 3000BC.
Dark Throne's looks like it was done in ink and they left it outside when it was raining. In a Norwegian forest, of course.




I like Entombed's logo and I think Carcass' looks like a used tampon. The Chasm, Usurper and Hate Eternal's logos were designed to give Morbid Angel's a run for it's money. Congrats guys, you almost made it.



I don't know what to say about this page, other than: WTF!? Municipal Waste? I'm pretty sure Seth Putnam never thought that his retarded doodles of assholes and vaginas would end up in a book about logos. Hmmm... Nox needs to... I don't know what they need to do, but whatever it is it should be funny and make them disappear. Forever.



The only good thing about the Scorpions logo is that I could re-create it on my shitty PC as a kid by just using a pre-loaded font. Other than that this page is pretty rad. Maiden, Priest, Annihilator and Testament. Solid bands, solid logos.


If I had real testicles when I was 15, all 3 of these logos would be tattooed on my body. Thank God I didn't grow balls until I was 20! Well, I don't think the Obituary tattoo is much better.



Another 3 logos I'd tattoo on my body. The Exodus one is a little weak, 'cuz the "E" and the "S" are all slouched, but it's still pretty metal. Kreator and Destruction logos adorned every other page in my notebooks in school for years.



I'm not sure what to make of the little bat flying over the Kind Diamond logo, but other than that KD's is a classic logo and, like their music, way better than Merciful Fate's. I know I'm gonna get the typical "you don't know what you're talking about, MF rule." blabber. Save it, MF sucks.



You know what doesn't suck? Slayer logos. It's tough to judge the logo of such an awesome metal band without allowing their awesomeness get in the way of your judgement, but the sword pentagram is SO bad-ass that just drawing it makes you more metal. The newer one they used on "Seasons" sucks. It's basically a font. It's called Ironwood. It fucking sucks.


Hmmm... I guess this is as good a time as any to tell you all that I'm a graphic designer