Introducing SLAMBURGLARS

I imagine the dudes in The Vandals tripped the fuck out when they heard Vin Diesel make an "Anarchyburger" joke in "XXX," because I think you naturally assume nobody other than your mom pays any attention to what you do. Our moms don't read this blog, so you can imagine my surprise when I discovered that not only was there a kid with a blog in England who is obviously a Sergeant D fan, and that I see crunkcore/BrokeNCYDE references in metal magazines/blogs all the time now. I also noticed that Last.fm's "wigger slam" tag had 40 users who made some nice additions to the description and genre artists.

One of these artists was a new band called Slamburglars. With song titles like "Straight Up Thuggin' (With Winds Of Plague And That Faggot From Waking The Cadaver)," "Get Crunk!!! Feat. Lil' Jon ," and "Behead Those Who Insult Slam (Metal Inquisition Don't Know Shit About Tha Wigga Slam)," clearly they have also read Metal Inquisition once or twice. Imitation being the sincerest form of flattery, I was sincerely flattered and figured we should interview them.

I left the spelling mistakes in his email intact to underscore the fact that he seems to be at least somewhat of an authentic wigger.

You are in a a joke wigger slam band, Slamburglars. Please tell us give us more details about how this "band" came to be, who is in it, etc. How does it compare to the world's original joke wigger slam band, New Yorkment? How about Frogkill?
We're a silly slam from Boston, MA. We consist of John Lucci (Crunkmeister 3000) on guttural exhales and gravity bong inhales, Connor Dunbar (Wiggerific Wiggerment) droppin 808 bass harder than bombs on Hiroshima, and Kyle Hagan (Slamboyant Goremasexual) on the six strings of steel and five knuckles of brass. I (John) have been into slam for a couple years, and I have appreciated New Yorkment’s comedic approach to making fun of the wiggers that have infested slam death metal. I am also pumped about the Frogkill dude’s new project, Impulsive Evisceration because his shits quality. Basicially, one night we got hella blazed and hella crunk and saw Composted live. After their set we changed our pants, went home, recorded a demo (The Carnivorous Butterflies Demo), then recorded an album (Hallucinogenic Hymns For The Morbidly Obese) the next weekend, and an ep (Decemberment) a month later. And then came the monstrosity that is… Cookie Monstrosity.

The production on your "album" is so atrocious that it would make 7 Minutes of Nausea weep with despair. In an era where you can get free software and dirt cheap hardware, what is your excuse? Don't you think the joke would have been funnier if the songs were actually listenable?
You see, if you want music that is actually funny and quality, listen to Composted. They are fucking hilarious and amazing musicians. If you want to piss off your grandpa and kill small rodents, blast The Slamburglars. We use the fucking horrendous sound quality to cover up the fact that we’re the 3 most untalented musicians on earth. And apparently we can’t hide it. Every day a different person posts “Worst band I have ever heard,” on our last.fm page. And one of our Japanese compadres, probably that dude from the Guttural Slamming Brutality Crew, said “Shitty faggotest on the last.fm. This Shit After hearing Brokencyde, Brokencyde looks to God.” I personally love brokenCYDE, so that might have been the greatest compliment I’ve ever gotten. But no matter how hard we try, we can never be as horrendous as Waking The Cadaver.

Nice to see that only 2 of the top 8 artists in the genre aren't jokes!

At first I thought you guys were probably teenage metalcore nerds because you referenced Bring Me the Horizon, Winds of Plague, Lil Jon/Brokencyde, and other things that old people usually don't know about (where "old" is defined as 25+). But when I can actually hear the music, it sounds like you have some pretty decent slam/goregrind riffing going on so now I'm not sure. Can you tell me a little more about who you guys are? If you want to be "in character" and answer with a bunch of wiggerish nonsense, you can, but it won't be all that funny so I'd rather you didn't.
Well that’s really not us in character. All three of us are straight up blunt passin’, 40-drinkin’ wiggers. I think it’s impossible to be as unintelligent as we pretend to be, but we honestly like hip-hop as much as slam death, just like John Gallagher. If you look at music as just music, I don’t mind some brutal deathcore, and there’s a lot of shitty slam like the Slamburglars, but honestly, listen to the slam in “Blindfold Surgery” by Abominable Putridity and you will realize that there is nothing heavier than a straight up slam. We love that shit, and this band is a failed attempt at ripping-off/bringing that brutality, while throwing some lulz in there. The sole purpose of this band is pretty much for me to start fights over myspace.

"shitty faggotest on the last.fm. This Shit After hearing Brokencyde, Brokencyde looks to God."

There are many regional styles of wigger slam: Texas, Russia, New York, Japan, etc. Which one is the most inspirational to you and why?
EAST COAST SLAM, FO LIFE. In the local New England area we have some quality slam bands. Parasitic Extirpation, Dysentery, Composted, Eternal Suffering (whom I stole “East Coast Slam” from), that crew. But the United States puts out some of the shittiest slam out there. Honestly… Christian Slam? The Slamming Goregroove of Drowining In Phemaldehyde and Guttural Engorgement blew, but now Mark Lawls has to spoil our scene with Empty Tomb, his new Christian Slam band. Fuck Christianity. Fuck Open Mindedness. You want some quality slam? Go to the Czech Republic or Russia. I guess being formerly dominated by authoritarian Communism gets you wicked pissed, and when you’re wicked pissed you make brutal fucking slam.

One of your songs is entitled "Behead Those Who Insult Slam (Metal Inquisition Don't Know Shit About Tha Wigga Slam)." Can you tell me what this song is about? What made you think it would be funny to call it "wigga" slam?
That was just to piss off Sergeant D. That mofo actuially knows his shit, but anyone who confuses deathcore and wigger slam don’t know shit about tha wigga slam. And replacing “er” with “a” is a common practice in Ebonics, so I chose to embrace my full wiggerificness and exploit African-American culture, as all good wiggers do.

The REAL Big Chocolate

As the first band to put a bass drop into a slam riff (on "Pierced From Within"), Suffocation could arguably be credited as the inventors of wigger slam. Yet they also have brothers in the band. What do you make of this?
Suffocation and Composted are the only wigger slam bands that I know that are actually partially comprised of brothers. Is slam the new hippity-hoppity trend? Only time will tell…

Suicide Silence get butthurt about being called deathcore, I wonder how stangry they would be about being tagged "wigger slam"?

The guys over at Metal Sucks are old and out of touch. They don't see the difference between deathcore and wigger slam. I'm sure you'll agree that, say, Suicide Silence and Infernal Revulsion couldn't be more different, so can you explain it to them here, just so they know?
I could write a fucking book about this topic. Deathcore is death metal influenced metalcore. Metalcore fans are sissies (obviously) therefore deathcore fans are sissies. Wigger Slam is wigger influenced Slam Death Metal. Wiggers are sissies (obviously) but they steal parts of African-American culture in an attempt to hide that fact. They must not know shit about music. Deathcore is centered around “breakdowns”, which are generally mono-tone staccato patterns of sixteenth notes, showing rhythmic variation contrary to melodic variation. Wigger Slam is centered around “slams”, which are simplified breakdowns which usually consist of a combination of quarter notes and eighth notes and usually only utilize the first 4 frets of the guitar. Old-school style slams, such as those of Dying Fetus, Soils of Fate, and Internal Bleeding, often have melody and sometimes are in major keys. If you still don’t get it, then you should just go join Waking The Cadaver.

I am sure no girls read this blog, much less any scene girls. But if you a scene girl and you happen to read this, please email me and include a) n00dz and b) contact information.

On that note, you also have a song called "Deathcore Megawhore." Who is this about, and how can I contact her? Please tell me it is the girl who models the Winds of Plague booty shorts!
I fap to that picture daily. I wish that our band was famous enough to have eyecandy… I mean a “keyboardist” like Kristen Randall. Oh the things that I would do to her… But yeah, that songs about some bitch I hooked up with who liked Bring Me The Horizon but couldn’t get into Down From The Wound.

You guys are apparently avid readers of Metal Inquisition. What are some of your favorite posts, and why? (This is the part where you stroke our egos)
I would stoke more than just Sergeant D’s ego.

That's all I have, is there anything you would like to add? Thanks!
Yo homie, could you add in this html code down the bottom? Thanks.

Download The New Slamburglars Album "Cookie Monstrosity"

Alternate Download Link

Wigger slam update, winter edition

There's a new dance craze that's sweeping the nation. It's called wigger slam and it's causing devastation!

It's been a while since we made a wigger slam post, which is a tragedy that makes Darfur look quaint by comparison. I would trade the lives of every single Romanian orphan for a single chance to play the Repudilation discography on my iPod while I'm in line at Starbucks. Seriously, fuck those kids, they're as good as dead anyway. In any case, there have been some exciting developments in the wigger slam scene that need to be mentioned.

Composted's SLAMBULANCE shirt
While it is disappointing to see that brutal death band Composted don't appreciate wigger slam like we do, we are still excited to see them raise awareness for the genre with the shirts you see below. The band is only mediocre (even to someone like me who has extremely low standards for slam metal- I mean I listen to fucking Artery Eruption!), but you might think about paying their MySpace a visit anyway. I'm sure it would make their day, since they probably spend all day bagging groceries or something to scrape together a pittance that pays the rent on the room they share with 8 other disgusting creeps at the local dirtbag metal flophouse. I'm sure glad I was never stupid enough to be in a band.


Entorturement vocalist drops some science
We have some insights on the origins of wigger slam from none other than the originators of the genre, Entorturement (and also the band who can legitimate claim to the worst name ever). He chimes in on the comments to an older post of ours, "The Facts About Wigger Slam":

LOL! This is Tim (former vocalist for entorturement). This is funny shit. Ok, yes Repudilation was the first to actually infuse a bit of Jazz into Death Metal. brian, their drummer, joined us and we wanted to do something different. So we went all out combining internal bleeding and suffocation with jazz,NYHC and Hip Hop. Growing up where we were you listened to Hip Hop. That was just how it was, mainly just NYC groups like Wu-Tang,Nas, Jay Z. It was like you are death metal (or deadhead,or jock) and you listened to hip hop. I am sorry for people taking it wayyyyyy out of hand. All the "thuggery" was taking the NYHC attitude at the time and multiplying 10 fold. In general, making fun of them.

Note that New Yorkment left them a nice comment on their Last.fm page:

OH FUKKKKKKKKK YEAH SON THESE BE THA SIKKKKKKKKEST SLAMZ EVAH!!! TOTAL BEATDOWN BRUTHAZ STYLE FO LYFE!!!

Amazon opens a wigger slam store
MI reader Matt Smith from Relapse tipped us off to Amazon's new wigger slam store. I'll be honest, the selection is a bit lacking (currently just a few Dying Fetus and Devourment shirts), but I'm happy to see that a big company like Amazon sees the potential for developing this market. I am sure that once they start producing Katalepsy and Abominable Putridity arctic camo parkas they'll have trouble keeping them in stock. MAKE IT RAIN!! I'm hoping they can hook up with Paul Wall and make some Soils of Fate grills. That shit would be HOT, and I'm sure all the European wiggers would eat it up. As anyone who ever sold anything metal-related in the 90s know, Europeans will buy anything!! I mean, without them, Joey DeMaio would have been out on the streets decades ago, picking cigarette butts out of the trash and selling Diet Mountain Dew cans for food.

See the store here!


Frogkill: World's first self-identified wigger slam band??
Perhaps I'm tooting our own horn here, but it seems that our influence has spread as far as Germany. We have been singing the praises of wigger slam for a while now, but it has so far been a externally-applied label. And to be honest, bands are generally not that stoked when we call them wigger slam (like these comments from that butthurt pussy in the Virginia-based wigger slam band Short Bus Pileup). A new one-man band named Frogkill is the first band we are aware of to call itself wigger slam, which is an amazing thing to behold! Congratulations, my friend! You are blazing new trails!We especially liked this statement on their MySpace:

And God said, "Let there be guttural slamming sickness!",
And there was guttural slamming sickness.
And God saw that it was good.

Now here comes the sad part. This poor kid is probably 19 or 20, and instead of sowing his wild oats banging hot German scene girls, he's spending his free time trying to impress internet metal nerds by making a one-man wigger slam band! Kid, you are going to look back on this part of your life and cry your eyes out at the way you pissed away the best years of your life. But congratulations on amusing a bunch of jaded metal dorks in their 30s at the expense of your youth!


Last.fm tags up 182%
Finally, thanks to everyone who has been dilligently using the wigger slam tag on Last.fm! If you haven't already, please tag all the relevant tracks you can. Fight the good fight! I'm not sure how Fall Silent got in there, but that's pretty funny.

More Metal Tattoos From The Interweb

Thanks to the magic of search engines and the internet, we once again take you for a spin around the world of metal tattoos. Hold on tight, it's going to be a depressing and bumpy ride.



1. The line-up of bands on his leg is enough to make you gag.
2. The guy's disgusting hairy leg and crotch shot are enough to make you barf.
3. The fact that the guy is married (see wedding band) is enough to make you loose all hope and respect for women.

How many of you were surprised that the asshole who has this tattoo is wearing white hi-tops, and white ankle socks. Anyone? No? Good. I wasn't either.

This picture is proof that men are not only idiots, but also gross. Look at that disgusting armpit hair, or whatever body part that is. I've never felt so hetero in my life.

The Sarge and I saw Fear Factory some years ago in what was basically a midwestern parking lot. They played a Pantera song, and we both got the douche chills. This is the kind of tattoo that the dude who has it would show to the band members with great pride. The band members would then go "uh....wow...really? Sheesh. Wow."

Look, I know that the guy's dead and everything. It's sad, wah, wah, wah...but how big of a douche do you have to be to get this on your arm? I can just picture the guy getting it constantly reminding the tattoo dude "remember to make the goatee red, it's very important. I'm a huge fan of how he looked during the Far Beyond Driven years!"

This guy is my hero. I'm not being ironic. He's rad.

Late addition, suggested by a reader in the comments section. I don't even know where to start! The awful rendering with the fu-manchu mustache, the hat, the goatee, the pimples on Dimebag's forehead....oh and did I mention the Heavy Metal logo?

Who is the only person dumber than Max Cavalera? The guy who gets a tattoo of Max Cavalera.

Now this, my friends, is commitment. I would love to meet this guy and tell him "I'm a real Queensryche fan, not like you" just to watch his blood boil and his head blow up.





Any readers out there have band-related ink? Tell the truth, I know there's at least one Napalm Death or a Nasty Savage tattoo out there somewhere.

Looking for a gift for that special douchebag in your life? Have you considered a miniature version of Max Cavalera's guitar?

I don't know about you, but with the holiday season right around the corner, I'm already thinking about gifts I can get for my family and friends. It's with that mindset that I would like to share with you one of my shopping secrets, a gift that is sure to please everyone on your list...naughty or nice! What's my gift of choice year after year? Miniature guitars!

Here we see Max Cavalera saying "Come on! Bring it on! I dare you not to fall in love with a tiny replica of my awesome guitar.

Miniature guitars are just like real guitars. They are better in many ways, hand crafted and airbrushed one at a time. The main difference you ask? It's minimal. The main difference is that they are 10" inches tall (25.4 cm), and you can't play them at all. But you see, with replica mini guitars available from the likes of Max Cavalera, Kerry King, Tom Araya, James Hetfield, and Dimebag Darrell...how could you not want to collect them all?

Another unbelievable Cavalera model. Sorry folks, available in four-string model only.

What's cool about these very, very small instruments is that upon receiving one as a gift, you can call your friends on christmas afternoon and tell them "Dude! My brother totally bought me Max Cavalera's four string BC Rich Warlock". Your friend would get all excited as soon as he heard the news, and race to your house, only to find you sitting there with a worthless, tiny guitar that is roughly the size of a remote control next to you. You'd feel bad about the fact that he drove through the snow to come over, but in all honesty...you didn't lie to him. Your brother did get you the coveted Cavalera four-stringer. It's like telling your friends that you just bought a "sweet, red convertible...come check it out!" And when they get to your house, this is what find in your driveway:


Technically it's a red convertible, sure. But who are you kidding? Anyway, let's take a closer look at some of the newest offerings that are now available in the amazing world of tiny guitars.


Unbelievable replica of Kane Robert's signature geetar. Just look at that detail! You can almost play it. Almost. Sadly, its only 10" long, has no real strings, pickups or wiring of any kind. So, you're kinda' out of luck on that one. Oh, and I should tell you that it also doesn't work as a machine gun...but you can probably use it to stir your mom's hot chocolate or something. So that's pretty cool.




Pantera was known for having a monstrous (albeit compressed), crunchy guitar sound, as well as having a drummer with minimal skills...skills so minimal that even Peter Criss went "Damn! are you serious?" Vinnie's skills were and still are as diminutive as the size of this here mini axe. Feel free to use this tiny guitar to spread Crisco on Vinnie's serving of fried chicken...should you ever meet him.


If you're building a western-themed dollhouse for your niece right now, consider this little James Hetfield axe as an addition to any of the rooms. Either that, or let your niece use it as a popsicle stick for any of her craft projects. You know that annoying thing that some people do if you are complaining about something, where they rub their fingers together and say "What's this? It's the worlds smallest violin"...well, now they can do that, but with a tiny guitar.


The only thing smaller than Kerry King's sense of shame is this mini guitar.




Does your niece have a Ken doll in her Barbie collection who looks highly pretentious and like he might have a taste for unecessarily complicated music that sounds like complete garbage? Why not get him this John Petrucci 7-stringer?



Would you like to see more? Perhaps a Tom Araya bass, or a Mathias Jabs (Scorpions) guitar? Look here for many more, but don't delay. The holiday hustle and bustle is just around the corner!

Andreas Kisser forced to play with Scorpions to pay rent — Cavalera brothers overheard saying "mission accomplished!"

Though some thought Soulfly was an actual band, it was merely a dress rehearsal for Max Cavalera's masterpiece, The Cavalera Conspiracy. From the moment the band began, the entire world has been laughing, but today we received news which clearly show that the band is no laughing matter at all. As it turns out, The Cavalera Conspiracy is not just the name of a band, but an actual conspiracy put together by the Cavalera brothers to do two things:

1. Take over the world's entire urban camouflage supply

2. Keep former Sepultura member Andreas Kisser from earning an honest living by playing in any semi-relevant musical act.

Proof that the Cavalera brothers have succeeded in accomplishing their second goal comes to us in the form of Andreas playing with Scorpions. Yes, he's a current touring member of the band. Can you imagine that the incoherent guy who did that rad 180 flip in the video for "Inner Self" has had to pimp himself to aging rockers like the Scorpions? I know that maniacs like Mr. Gene Hoglan's Balls enjoy early Scorpions material (last time he was at my house, he played side A of The Tokyo Tapes at least ten times), but this is so sad. It's about as sad as Max's camo bandana, or as sad as the one dude in Soulfly wearing a backpack while he plays guitar.

Dark Throne - Unplugged

Sometimes we can gain a deeper understanding of art by simply taking in a fresh interpretation of a well known piece. Consider, if you will, the multiple acoustic versions of Dark Throne's "Transilvanian Hunger" available to us through the magic of youtube.




There's nothing about a chubby, latino dude wearing a sweet baja sweatshirt that says "black metal"




Dude, you should be picking at twice the speed. Burzum shirt and Metallica shorts? Go make your bed. And then tune your guitar.



Okay, this guy is plugged in. Seriously, do you need the sheet music in a stand to play this song? His mom is gonna be so pissed about him putting his feet up on that tasteful ottoman. Nice zippers on his pants too. Sexy.



This guy got straight up fancy with the arrangement. He made the song suck even more. He's like the Dave Matthews of black metal.



This guy knew he didn't look very metal. So he spared us the visual.




Rolling Stones poster? I know metal sir, and you are not metal. I can just picture his mom crying about the fact that this is what her looser son has turned out to be.

Robb Flynn's Disease—Pathology

Overview

As we have stated here at Metal Inquisition before, Robb Flynn's disease is a very serious condition which plagues the metal world today. We will try to explain R.F.D. (as we will refer to it hereafter in this post) for the benefit and edification of our readers.

R.F.D. (named after Robb Flynn, previously of the band Vio-Lence, now of Machine Head) usually strikes aging, out of step metal fossils. The disease usually hits hardest when the victim was originally (and only slightly) known for being in one band which is no longer around, and more than likely played a style that has fallen out of favor with today's audiences. Though most of those who suffer from this disease are musicians who are broke and desperate, some partial mutations of the disease have also struck somewhat successful musicians such as Kerry King and Scott Ian.

Symptoms

Individuals dealing with the disease will take on certain characteristics best suited for 15 year old ravers in Kansas, in a pathetic, last ditch effort to remain somewhat relevant and "with it". Often seen as a crucial part of any last ditch effort in the musical arena, R.F.D. is often seen by those who suffer from it as a new lease on life. Think of it as the metal equivalent of automotive oil that is especially formulated for high millage cars.


Individuals who are suffering from R.F.D. will most often exhibit at least two of the following symptoms.

1. Individual gets facial piercings way too late in life (see Robb Flynn, and Dave Chavarri of Ill Niño)

2. Grows dreadlocks (see Max Cavalera)

3. Is seen wearing oversized pants (see Chris Banes wearing JNCOs, and Kerry King's oversized orange camo pants)


4. Grows "wacky" facial hair, most often a goatee which can be dyed, braided, parted or grown into dreadlocks (a fantastic double whammy)

5. Accessorizes already terrible, ill fitting attire with items such as chain wallets, goggles (this includes unusual sunglasses ala Kerry King) and the like.

6. Individual will shave his head, seemingly attempting to emulate a young, hip look...but in reality does so to hide his balding.

Note that these symptoms are often accompanied (though not always) by a propensity towards playing third rate nu metal, with slightly hip-hop influenced drum beats (see Soulfly, Machine Head).


Examples

Dave Chavarri of Ill Niño (Previously from Gothic Slam)









Scott Ian of Anthrax
















Kerry King of Slayer


















Max Cavalera of Cavalera Conspiracy and Soulfly
(formerly of Sepultura)











Chris Barnes
(formerly of Cannibal Corpse, now of Six Feet Deep)












In closing, I should mention briefly that the world of metal is not alone in facing issues such as R.F.D. Oh no. The world of hip-hop has faced a somewhat similar scourge, which I refer to as "Funky Headhunter Syndrome", named after MC Hammer's 1994 album in which he sadly threw his hat into the gangsta' rap ring. The hat was quickly thereafter picked up from said ring, and thrown back at him. The album was chock full of Dr. Dre style production, and MC Hammer suddenly began wearing prison garb (ala NWA). I don't want to dwell on this subject (this is METAL Inquisition after all) but I'd like to share this graphic with you to illustrate this last point, and to let our readers know that we are NOT alone in this battle.

Max and Igor Cavalera Back Together Again!

Oh, wait. I forgot, it’s 2008 and NO ONE GIVES A SHIT. Will once-relevant, former metal icons ever stop trying to revive their careers? At least in this case, I guess not as Max and Igor have put aside their differences and recruited two hacks and formed the Cavalera Conspiracy. Apparently their name was originally Inflikted (possibly the worst thing about the proliferation of nu-metal is the tendency to intentionally misspell words for emotional impact), but had to be changed due to legal reasons. I can only assume that Max and Igor were sued by some young legal maverick for emotional distress.

For you, our loyal readers, I have put my own physical and mental well being in jeopardy and decided to actually sit down and listen to the Cavalera Conspiracy’s upcoming full length record, “Inflikted.” Or at least I tried. I made it about halfway through the album before I had to stop or risk being fired for throwing my work computer across the office. This shit sucks and it sucks HARD. Musically, I’d say this album fits somewhere between the heavily Korn-influenced tribal metal of Sepultura’s “Roots” and the heavily Korn-influenced tribal metal of Soulfly. DO NOT WANT.

In case you don’t believe me, see for yourself. Here’s a video of the Cavalera Conspiracy performing the title track off “Inflikted” at the 11th Annual D-Low (Max’s slain stepson) Memorial. Rock those four strings!

Guitar World's 1992 Death Metal Roundtable

I still remember this article like it was yesterday. I must have read it 20 times- the guitarists for Death, Morbid Angel, Obituary, and Deicide all in one place, telling all their secrets!! It was like mana from heaven to me. Although even that at young age, I was smart enough to know something was up with bits like this:

But while Venom and Possessed utilized Satanic imagery as a gimmick, Brunelle, guitarist Trey Azagthoth and company are true believers. "We're all pretty much one when it comes to anything regarding the supernatural or the occult," says Brunelle. "I'm totally intrigued by it, and I read about it as much as possible. But you can only go so far: the next step would be walking through walls." (laughs)

I remember reading that part and thinking, "His band jams... but holy shit, what a giant faggot!"

In any case, read the article here for some vintage laughs from the days when Florida ruled the roost.

Dan Seagrave. The man. The myth. The muffins.

Dan Seagrave was part of the early 90's death metal holy-trinity. If you were going to make it in the biz back then you needed these three things (though some got by with only two):

1. Be from Florida
2. Record at Morrisound Studios
3. Get Dan Seagrave to do your album cover

As part of this holy-trinity, it's hard to criticize the man who brought to life such amazing artistic statements as the deer/man creature with a circular saw on the cover of Suffocation's "Human Waste". Nevertheless, I feel that enough time has passed, that we can now safely look a bit closer at some of his work. With time, we have gained insight, and with that insight we can look closer at the cover for Sepultura's "Arise".

A perfect example of his mid-career work, this piece exemplifies the kind of monochromatic fantasy worlds that populated his work during that time. Upon closer inspection, however, viewers will notice two things. First, Dan Seagrave was hungry (surely due to being broke, because I'm sure painting the cover to the second Lawnmower Deth album is not getting you dessert at Red Lobster.) Second, the man was horny. I'm sure girls didn't exactly think their dreamboat had just docked when he explained what he did for a living, "Well right now I'm working on the new Pestilence cover. I actually have to get home soon to retouch the floating sphere made of knives on that one. I should also do some work on the time machine that the robot is sitting on to go back in time and kill Jesus in the Nocturnus cover"

The proof




1. Clearly depicted here are two lobster claws holding dental floss.
2. Three blueberry muffins.
3. A woman bent over backwards for no reason at all.