Introducing SLAMBURGLARS

I imagine the dudes in The Vandals tripped the fuck out when they heard Vin Diesel make an "Anarchyburger" joke in "XXX," because I think you naturally assume nobody other than your mom pays any attention to what you do. Our moms don't read this blog, so you can imagine my surprise when I discovered that not only was there a kid with a blog in England who is obviously a Sergeant D fan, and that I see crunkcore/BrokeNCYDE references in metal magazines/blogs all the time now. I also noticed that Last.fm's "wigger slam" tag had 40 users who made some nice additions to the description and genre artists.

One of these artists was a new band called Slamburglars. With song titles like "Straight Up Thuggin' (With Winds Of Plague And That Faggot From Waking The Cadaver)," "Get Crunk!!! Feat. Lil' Jon ," and "Behead Those Who Insult Slam (Metal Inquisition Don't Know Shit About Tha Wigga Slam)," clearly they have also read Metal Inquisition once or twice. Imitation being the sincerest form of flattery, I was sincerely flattered and figured we should interview them.

I left the spelling mistakes in his email intact to underscore the fact that he seems to be at least somewhat of an authentic wigger.

You are in a a joke wigger slam band, Slamburglars. Please tell us give us more details about how this "band" came to be, who is in it, etc. How does it compare to the world's original joke wigger slam band, New Yorkment? How about Frogkill?
We're a silly slam from Boston, MA. We consist of John Lucci (Crunkmeister 3000) on guttural exhales and gravity bong inhales, Connor Dunbar (Wiggerific Wiggerment) droppin 808 bass harder than bombs on Hiroshima, and Kyle Hagan (Slamboyant Goremasexual) on the six strings of steel and five knuckles of brass. I (John) have been into slam for a couple years, and I have appreciated New Yorkment’s comedic approach to making fun of the wiggers that have infested slam death metal. I am also pumped about the Frogkill dude’s new project, Impulsive Evisceration because his shits quality. Basicially, one night we got hella blazed and hella crunk and saw Composted live. After their set we changed our pants, went home, recorded a demo (The Carnivorous Butterflies Demo), then recorded an album (Hallucinogenic Hymns For The Morbidly Obese) the next weekend, and an ep (Decemberment) a month later. And then came the monstrosity that is… Cookie Monstrosity.

The production on your "album" is so atrocious that it would make 7 Minutes of Nausea weep with despair. In an era where you can get free software and dirt cheap hardware, what is your excuse? Don't you think the joke would have been funnier if the songs were actually listenable?
You see, if you want music that is actually funny and quality, listen to Composted. They are fucking hilarious and amazing musicians. If you want to piss off your grandpa and kill small rodents, blast The Slamburglars. We use the fucking horrendous sound quality to cover up the fact that we’re the 3 most untalented musicians on earth. And apparently we can’t hide it. Every day a different person posts “Worst band I have ever heard,” on our last.fm page. And one of our Japanese compadres, probably that dude from the Guttural Slamming Brutality Crew, said “Shitty faggotest on the last.fm. This Shit After hearing Brokencyde, Brokencyde looks to God.” I personally love brokenCYDE, so that might have been the greatest compliment I’ve ever gotten. But no matter how hard we try, we can never be as horrendous as Waking The Cadaver.

Nice to see that only 2 of the top 8 artists in the genre aren't jokes!

At first I thought you guys were probably teenage metalcore nerds because you referenced Bring Me the Horizon, Winds of Plague, Lil Jon/Brokencyde, and other things that old people usually don't know about (where "old" is defined as 25+). But when I can actually hear the music, it sounds like you have some pretty decent slam/goregrind riffing going on so now I'm not sure. Can you tell me a little more about who you guys are? If you want to be "in character" and answer with a bunch of wiggerish nonsense, you can, but it won't be all that funny so I'd rather you didn't.
Well that’s really not us in character. All three of us are straight up blunt passin’, 40-drinkin’ wiggers. I think it’s impossible to be as unintelligent as we pretend to be, but we honestly like hip-hop as much as slam death, just like John Gallagher. If you look at music as just music, I don’t mind some brutal deathcore, and there’s a lot of shitty slam like the Slamburglars, but honestly, listen to the slam in “Blindfold Surgery” by Abominable Putridity and you will realize that there is nothing heavier than a straight up slam. We love that shit, and this band is a failed attempt at ripping-off/bringing that brutality, while throwing some lulz in there. The sole purpose of this band is pretty much for me to start fights over myspace.

"shitty faggotest on the last.fm. This Shit After hearing Brokencyde, Brokencyde looks to God."

There are many regional styles of wigger slam: Texas, Russia, New York, Japan, etc. Which one is the most inspirational to you and why?
EAST COAST SLAM, FO LIFE. In the local New England area we have some quality slam bands. Parasitic Extirpation, Dysentery, Composted, Eternal Suffering (whom I stole “East Coast Slam” from), that crew. But the United States puts out some of the shittiest slam out there. Honestly… Christian Slam? The Slamming Goregroove of Drowining In Phemaldehyde and Guttural Engorgement blew, but now Mark Lawls has to spoil our scene with Empty Tomb, his new Christian Slam band. Fuck Christianity. Fuck Open Mindedness. You want some quality slam? Go to the Czech Republic or Russia. I guess being formerly dominated by authoritarian Communism gets you wicked pissed, and when you’re wicked pissed you make brutal fucking slam.

One of your songs is entitled "Behead Those Who Insult Slam (Metal Inquisition Don't Know Shit About Tha Wigga Slam)." Can you tell me what this song is about? What made you think it would be funny to call it "wigga" slam?
That was just to piss off Sergeant D. That mofo actuially knows his shit, but anyone who confuses deathcore and wigger slam don’t know shit about tha wigga slam. And replacing “er” with “a” is a common practice in Ebonics, so I chose to embrace my full wiggerificness and exploit African-American culture, as all good wiggers do.

The REAL Big Chocolate

As the first band to put a bass drop into a slam riff (on "Pierced From Within"), Suffocation could arguably be credited as the inventors of wigger slam. Yet they also have brothers in the band. What do you make of this?
Suffocation and Composted are the only wigger slam bands that I know that are actually partially comprised of brothers. Is slam the new hippity-hoppity trend? Only time will tell…

Suicide Silence get butthurt about being called deathcore, I wonder how stangry they would be about being tagged "wigger slam"?

The guys over at Metal Sucks are old and out of touch. They don't see the difference between deathcore and wigger slam. I'm sure you'll agree that, say, Suicide Silence and Infernal Revulsion couldn't be more different, so can you explain it to them here, just so they know?
I could write a fucking book about this topic. Deathcore is death metal influenced metalcore. Metalcore fans are sissies (obviously) therefore deathcore fans are sissies. Wigger Slam is wigger influenced Slam Death Metal. Wiggers are sissies (obviously) but they steal parts of African-American culture in an attempt to hide that fact. They must not know shit about music. Deathcore is centered around “breakdowns”, which are generally mono-tone staccato patterns of sixteenth notes, showing rhythmic variation contrary to melodic variation. Wigger Slam is centered around “slams”, which are simplified breakdowns which usually consist of a combination of quarter notes and eighth notes and usually only utilize the first 4 frets of the guitar. Old-school style slams, such as those of Dying Fetus, Soils of Fate, and Internal Bleeding, often have melody and sometimes are in major keys. If you still don’t get it, then you should just go join Waking The Cadaver.

I am sure no girls read this blog, much less any scene girls. But if you a scene girl and you happen to read this, please email me and include a) n00dz and b) contact information.

On that note, you also have a song called "Deathcore Megawhore." Who is this about, and how can I contact her? Please tell me it is the girl who models the Winds of Plague booty shorts!
I fap to that picture daily. I wish that our band was famous enough to have eyecandy… I mean a “keyboardist” like Kristen Randall. Oh the things that I would do to her… But yeah, that songs about some bitch I hooked up with who liked Bring Me The Horizon but couldn’t get into Down From The Wound.

You guys are apparently avid readers of Metal Inquisition. What are some of your favorite posts, and why? (This is the part where you stroke our egos)
I would stoke more than just Sergeant D’s ego.

That's all I have, is there anything you would like to add? Thanks!
Yo homie, could you add in this html code down the bottom? Thanks.

Download The New Slamburglars Album "Cookie Monstrosity"

Alternate Download Link

Winds of Plague ain't got shit on our steez

I love mash culture. It makes me feel like I am on top of all the latest developments in youth culture when I find a band that combines seemingly disparate influences, and because I am so culturally literate and young-at-heart, I totally get what they are doing. I love to smugly explain all the references to my clueless friends who still think of "World Demise" and "Far Beyond Driven" as "their new stuff." For a few minutes, I can forget that I am turning 31 in six weeks and have been going to hardcore shows since 1989. With that in mind, you can understand why I am such a big fan of Winds of Plague.

We blogged about this sextet of Southern California moshers a while ago (here and here), so if you are not familiar with them please take a few minutes to brush up on the band. Our printer is down at the moment, but we'll pass out a handout that has hard copies of both posts before we leave today. They'll be on the conference room table next to the Panera bagels and juice. There's also one of those cardboard boxes of coffee, please help yourself- we have Sugar In The Raw as well as Sweet N Low for Delores and Gail, our two administrative assistants who are also diabetic.

"[Being a wigger] isn't that tricky, you just say ignorant shit over and over."

Anyhow, the big idea with Winds of Plague is that they combine moshcore ala Hatebreed with symphonic black metal. You've heard that before, but Winds of Plague adds a wiggerish slant that would make Rick Ta Life blush. I feel like we mocked them pretty mercilessly in our first post about WoP, so I was really happy to see that Johnny Plague, the singer, posted in the comments and had fun with it instead of being a butthurt pussy like Short Bus Pile Up and Waking The Cadaver.

Since they were so cool, I figured we should find out more about what makes them tick. I caught up with them on the Summer Slaughter tour where they were playing with Dying Fetus, Suffocation, Origin, and a bunch of boring bands like Born of Osiris with names in the format of "____ of ____" that I had never heard of and didn't watch.

Affliction also makes a brand for girls called Sinful. It is even more atrocious and tacky than their flagship brand, but at least the ads have moderately attractive girls in them who are giving you the "I've been up for 65 hours on a coke binge with the guy from Buck Cherry" stare

In the interest of full disclosure, I should mention that the Summer Slaughter tour is sponsored by Decibel Magazine, which is also owned by Metal Inquisition's parent company, Red Flag Media (this blog is the flagship piece of the viral marketing and social media division of Red Flag). Oh, and it's also sponsored by Affliction, which has nothing to do with our corporate structure, but is hilarious.

On wiggers
In retrospect, maybe it would have been better to warm him up a little bit, but I was too impatient and I cut right to the chase with Johnny. In my best Tom Brokaw voice, I tried to sound very frank and down-to-earth when I said "Have a seat, Johnny. I think you know what we're here to talk about: wiggerish arm movements." I thought he might get mad, but to my surprise, he was pretty sheepish about the whole thing, even apologetic!

I put on my best moshbro costume for the show, topped off by a New Era hat which I cocked at a jaunty angle. After all, when in Rome, do as the wiggers, right? (Photo by Kristen Randall)

He started by blaming someone else. "Not to point the finger, but I'm definitely going to have to put the wigger elements on our friend John, who recorded with us on that album. He also played on the new album, but we told him to tone it down," Johnny explained. I'd like to believe him, but as you can see in the photo of us above, he was wearing a Sworn Enemy basketball jersey and a backwards baseball hat. That's two strikes, my friend. If I go through your records and find a Downset CD, you're busted! He also credits moshcore pioneers 18 Visions with inspiration. "18 Visions had it going on. Speaking of wigger, remember when James had like fuckin' dreads and JNCOs?"

"I've grown out of the puffy vests. I had to give it to my friend that lives in Reno so I'm not tempted."

Life on the road can be tough. Just ask Metallica and Kid Rock, both of which have penned sorrowful, melancholy songs in which they sit on the tour bus looking wistfully out the window. Perhaps Winds of Plague will write their own version soon, because Johnny was not enjoying himself on this tour. I kept trying to get him to talk about wiggers, but he kept drifting back to how annoyed he was with this tour and wanted to go home. To bridge the gap, I asked him about touring with Suffocation. By inventing the slam riff and pioneering the use of 808 bass drops in death metal, they arguably created wigger slam metal, yet they have actual black people in the band, which makes things much less black-and-white (ba-dum crash!).

Lucho Metales with Mike Smith of Suffocation. Lucho is making awkward hand gestures in an effort to "be down." Mike appears to be holding his own penis. There is a cheap-looking door in the background.

Johnny wavered a bit, suggesting that "They have black people in the band so that's automatic street cred. I didn't know about [Mike Smith's] rap album, I wish I did before though." Despite such an initially authoritative answer, it seemed like he doubted himself, or was at the very least not yet comfortable with using the w-word. "I don't really know what to say about that, or... like... the word 'wigger' in general..." he stammered, recalling Sarah Palin when Katie Couric asked her which newspapers she read and Palin answered "A-all of them."

I considered calling in Snoop Dogg for an emergency wigger deprogramming session after hanging out with Johnny for the evening

WoP also share the bill with wigger slam pioneers Dying Fetus. I was thinking Johnny would have taken advantage of the opportunity to compare notes and ask Fetus how to be a slam wigger. Had he ever sat down with Fetus singer Jason Gallagher and asked for tips? "On how to properly do it? No. It's not that tricky, you just say ignorant shit over and over."

"Honestly I don't even know what 'steez' means. Is that even a real word?"

On the left is 18 Visions singer Jame Shart rocking his vintage look of dreads and Excessive Force shirt. Also pictured are Earth Crisis vocalist/weirdo Karl Beuchner (far right, with red eyes) and Metal Inquisition's Director of Latin American Communications Jose Galvan Jr (in blue)

Not ready to let him off the hook, I asked him about my favorite line from my favorite WoP song, their wigger mosh anthem "Reloaded." In this song, one part that makes the moshbros go crazy goes "Bustas fall down when we're barking commands. Atlas ain't got shit on our steez." Having moshed my balls off to it earlier that night, I asked for more detail on exactly what Winds of Plague's steez were. Finally the dam broke. Johnny let it all out, all the shame, the lies, the wiggerish secrets he'd kept inside for so long.

If you haven't seen this video yet, you are missing out. This rivals Biohazard's "Punishment" video as an instruction manual for wiggerish arm movements.

"Honestly I don't even know what 'steez' means. Is that even a real word?" he said plaintively. "The wigger stuff is from our one music video," he volunteered. "The video was an awesome idea that wasn't done well. It was supposed to be over the top. I had a great time doing it, and I guess it's cool because we had fun, but in the big picture it's not really the way we wanted to be portrayed... yeah. Going into it I was like, 'Who the fuck watches music videos, anyway? So let's just have fun with it.' We didn't have much of a budget, our friend had a nice car, so we just said fuck it." While the band was generally happy with it, Johnny had some ideas on how it might be improved. After a thoughtful pause, he reflected that "the guys did a great job on it. But there should have been more chains, more large black women."

Pete Wentz from Fall Out Boy used to play in a wretched hardcore band called Extinction. When I saw them in 1997, he had dreads and was wearing a puffy DKNY vest like this one. Now he is married to Ashlee Simpson... I am convinced he somehow gained access to the Nocturnus time machine to pull that one off!!

Most musicians are comfortable to stay within the narrow, conventional definition of what it means to be in a band. But like Dave Mustaine's ventures into the coffee business, Sammy Hagar's tequila brand, and Kiss peddling, well, absolutely anything, Johnny has dreams of being a stylist-slash-image-consultant for bands like his. As the band works on repositioning its brand, Johnny is getting the ball rolling by making some small changes to his personal brand. "I'm gonna say, I've grown out of the puffy vests. I had to give it to my friend that lives in Reno so I'm not tempted," he said, looking down and picking at the table as though he was craving his Nautica vest like a tweaker fiends for a bump.

Totally would, even though she has an ice cream cone tattoo. Her excellent eyebrows make up for it. What is it with the kids these days and their tattoos of junk food? Back in my day, you got tattoos of skulls, monsters, and the Black Flag bars, not fucking candy!
(In case you are wondering why I included this picture, she plays keyboards for Winds of Plague)

On chicks
With the wigger discussion behind us, we moved on to the second most important item on the agenda: chicks. As long-time readers of this blog know, I have advanced-level game, so I wanted to talk shop with one of the few people who might have even better game than me, if such a thing is possible: a dude in a band.

Hot Chicks With Douchbags, metalcore edition: Semi-Gothic Keyboard Hott is surrounded by a horde of Southern California Wiggerish Moshbags

Johnny is a modest guy, so he was hesitant to offer any suggestions on how I might improve my game. "This isn't really the best question for me. I mean, I don't have any game, I really don't. And I'm not afraid to admit that. But basically, just be loud and obnoxious, hang around the merch table and try to trade free shit for head I guess!"

Johnny, if you're reading this, please tell me you know this girl and will introduce me!!

He wasn't nearly as timid when I asked him when band had the most haggard groupies, though. Literally without a split second of hesitation, he said "Blackguard. I love them to death, don't get me wrong. They're kind of a folkish metal band. I dunno man, they just attract some real, uh, winners." I'm sure it's pretty slim pickings on these metal tours, which Johnny confirmed. "Dying Fetus pull some fuckin'... dude I don't even know what the word would be... trollish, stone age type women. I'm not saying they're hooking up with them, I don't know if that happens, but they're there in full force, drunk as fuck."

Drummer Art Cruz showed me some pretty sweet gambits he uses to snare groupies, such as a variety of magic tricks like the one where he made a coin seem to go through my hand. It was cool, but I started to get uncomfortable after a minute because I thought he was going to kiss me or something. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Jeff Foxworthy: If your band sells mesh shorts... you just might be a wigger!

Metal Inquisition + Winds of Plague = hella mass tight bros
I am not sure why so many people pick on Winds of Plague. As you can see they can take a joke and will make you mosh your balls off, and I'm not sure what more you can ask of a band than that. I thought they were going to be uptight dickbags, but it couldn't have been further from the truth. Even if you don't like metalcore, you should pirate their album to show your support!! Every click counts, my friends!!

Check out Winds of Plague on MySpace and Twitter

Waking the Cadaver's singer now sells Amway. Seriously.

Step to Donald Campan and you will be easily assaulted

In case you aren't familiar with them, Waking the Cadaver is a wigger slam band from the Jersey shore. You can think of them as the Family Dollar of wigger slam: dirty, unpleasant and only patronized by smelly vagrants that barely qualify as human. After we wrote an unflattering post about them the singer got butthurt and threatened to beat me up. But he's not just an ignorant homophobe, he's also an Amway salesman!

Yes, you read that correctly... when he's not threatening me, Donald Campan is busy being an IBO (Independent Business Owner) for Amway! My friends, I'm not making this shit up, it's brutally real. Actually, I sort of wish I was making it up because that would give me a little more faith in humanity, but this is all too true. Gene Hoglan's Balls sent me a link to his MySpace in which he proudly announces that he is now "ENDORSED." I think that is another word for "bought into a retarded pyramid scam in which I hawk off-brand crap on MySpace."

There's almost too much material to work with, so in this post I will just point out all my favorite details.

His stangry headshot
I am a huge fan of Loveline, the sex/relationship advice show starring Adam Carolla and Dr. Drew. One of my favorite bits is Adam's word, "stangry," a combination of stupid and angry. He usually uses it to describe teenagers from Riverside, but I can't think of a better way to characterize the dim yet vaguely antagonizing look in Donald's eyes above. He's like that jerky stoner that would stand around the metal shop in high school wearing a Ride The Lightning shirt and say things like "What are you lookin' at, fag? Stare hard, retard!!"

His childlike excitement
I love how he seems genuinely stoked about this! He really thinks this is going to be his big break. With copy like "I am sure you could find something you like because there are so many products to choose from to suite all genders and tastes," it's hard to imagine he won't be rolling in cash pronto. I've highlighted the parts that made me LOL particularly hard:

What's goin' on friends!! YES! - I am now an IBO (Independent Business Owner) via Amway Global. I sell exclusive products from make-up to skin products, food/water (all organically grown)/vitamins to jewelry/apparel and much-much more! Please click around the my online catalog (*see above links below the photo) to view many products that you can't find anywhere else in the world! I also really hope you can pass this website on to many others to help me spread the word of this fantastic service I am offering. I personally have a lot of products that are from the online store that really are amazing and that I use myself on tour and at home. I am sure you could find something you like because there are so many products to choose from to suite all genders and tastes. I can assure you that this is NOT A SCAM or anything like that. By being a part of this global corporation, I am putting my good name on the line as well as the Amway Corporation. Please copy and paste the link(s) to view MY STORE! Thank you for your time and happy shopping!

Not Spam, myspace just wants you to pay for links as an advertising fee...no thanx! I think you can put together the address...***
Girls: dcampan . qbeautyzone . c o m Guys: dcampan . qhealthzone . c o m Both: dcampan . qhealthbeauty . c o m

He won't pay for MySpace to make links for his domains so he has to mangle the janky URLs (he's also too dumb/cheap to buy domain names I guess) and asks you to copy and paste them.

The merchandise

I have no idea what possessed him to offer this bizarre and disorienting assortment of crap. It reminds me of my favorite little Mexican store called "Miscellaneous Rodriguez." Lucho and Skullkrusher's mom stopped by there once and tried to tell them the name made no sense, but they weren't having it: their name was Rodriguez, you see, and they sold miscellaneous goods, so it made perfect sense to them. She probably scolded them a little bit and walked out, shaking her head and muttering under her breath about martians.

Donald seems to have been working under a similar plan when developing his merchandise mix. I am not sure why he would think that anybody wants to buy pots and pans, facial cleanser, and Lemon Twist meal bars from the singer of Waking The Cadaver, but apparently he managed to convince himself.

Cran-Grape Blast is the most grinding, brutal flavor

What woman wouldn't jump at the chance to buy off-brand cosmetics from the man who wrote "Chased Through The Woods By A Rapist"?

A $1400 Amway cookware set? Sign me up!

Our ideas
We figured it was time to squash the MI/WTC beef, so we wanted to show Donald that we are bros by brainstorming a few ideas for how he could improve his Amway store. We hunkered down in the conference room of our Midatlantic Innovation Center and sketched out a few concepts. Donald, please feel free to take these and run with them! They are available under the Creative Commons license so they're all yours!


1. Waking The Cadaver signature gaydar
From his MySpace message to me, we know that Donald "doesn't respond to gays," and wouldn't want you to either. I was discussing this with one of our consultants from I Could Die Tomorrow and he asked an important question:
[16:58] XxxXxxxxxxxx: Does he have a special detector so he knows not to serve gay customers?
With that in mind, who better to offer a signature gaydar than Donald?? It can go right next to our other new product concept:


2. 1:14 scale Nocturnus time machines
WTC fans are not the most intelligent people, so we're betting that they've got a lot of regrets (or at least they should). What better way to remind them that they've painted themselves into a corner with one poor life choice after the next than with a scale model of the Nocturnus time machine (does not actually travel through time)? You wish you could go back in time to fix the foolish mistakes you made, but it's too late... you're going to work at a gas station and listen to Waking The Cadaver forever.


3. Better advertising
We don't claim to be experts in marketing or graphics design like Donald is (he lists "marketing" and "$" as two of his interests and says he is an avid reader of Print magazine, which is popular with medicore graphics designers). Nonetheless, we figured that he might appreciate it if we took a stab at a new campaign for him. Aside from re-writing the copy, we also added a "no fat chicks" button to his lapel so that ugly groupies will stop sweating him- he doesn't want your cottage cheese ass, you fat bitch!! Also, we retouched his headshot a little to fix up his weak jawline and double chin.

Best of luck with your Amway store, Donald! If you ever want to do a METAL INQUISITION X WTC collabo, holler at your boys!

Hate mail from Piledriver and Waking The Cadaver; 16 approves

Seriously the most ridic cover in the history of recorded music!

Piledriver gets butthurt
In the event that you are a poser, you should know that we took the name of our blog from an album by the band Piledriver. I never listened to them (because they are not very good), but my friends and I used to laugh at the absurd cover of their record quite a bit in high school.



Here is an email we got from some guy that apparently is/was in the band. There's nothing more rewarding to us here at MI than when someone in one of the bands we make fun of gets all butthurt, so you can understand how excited we were about this insane ramblings of this never-was idiot:

Since you've stolen your name AND slogan from Piledriver, how about reviewing the new album, METAL MANIFESTO? It really is the absolute least you could do.

http://www.sofa-q.com/

You may not care where you've stolen your name from, but at least check it out. The band is fucken crazy to look at, but the tunes are better than most of the shit produced these days. Thrash metal at its finest.

Of course you could grow a set of balls and man up to your theft, and perhaps get a shred of originality and come up with your own name and slogan, but it is hard to do.

His reply after I told him I didn't listen to his terrible band:

After all I've given you (YOUR FUCKING NAME!!!!) I don't even rate a single fucking mention on your site????
Unsuck my COCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
All my retarded baby-batter in yer fucking faces,
Ol'Piley... The Exalted One!!!!

Sensing the hilarious potential, I proposed that we do an interview:

an interview? you'll have to come up with a few hundred posted words of respect and adulation let alone on how I've provided you the hook to hang your shite (oops) site on... then we'll see about bestowing upon you any further of my time...
Gord FUCKING Kirchin

My response:

up to you bro! honestly i never owned any piledriver records so i don't know if i can help you out with the adulation. i chose the name for the blog because when i was in high school i thought the cover was funny, i've only heard the title track a couple of times.

I hope he cries himself to sleep knowing that a jokey blog making fun of his band is the #1 Google result for "Metal Inquisition," not their record.

When asked about his azn boi toy, the singer for WTC said, "Yo I'm not gay, he blew me!"

WTC threatens Sergeant D with a Jersey-style beatdown
Piledriver aren't the only sensitive pussies that read Metal Inquisition. New Jersey's most notorious slam wiggers Waking The Cadaver are apparently in the club as well. After I heard that they got pissy that I called them wiggers in Decibel, I sent them a MySpace message to tell them it was all in good fun and not too take things too seriously. I told them I also used to dress like a wigger back in my mosher days and suggested we do an interview.

He wasn't having it, though, and did his best to threaten me. At least, I think that's what he was trying to say. The grammar and spelling are so atrocious that it's sometimes hard to make out. I don't judge him, though, I know they put lead in the water down there on the Jersey shore.

Subject:

RE: metal inquisition

Body:

listen geek,

your the one taking things so seriously, with your website dedicated to bitching and moaning about bands...your obviously a homosexual because your so concerned with how GUYS dress....and I seriously doubt you'll come to a show, as a matter of fact, I seriously doubt you go to any shows because your the type to sit behind a computer whining and complaining about how bands aren't good enough for your level of "metal".....im sure your just a aging loser with nothing better to do in your life than be concerned with the way guys dress. you even proved it by writing a message saying "i used to wear XXX nautica t-shirts."....let me tell you internet fagit, we don't even listen to rap, and we don't wear nautica shirts so we have NOTHING in common. all your proving is that your a TREND SURFER.

We were never aware of your blog until your grapevine buddy at decibel mag told us about your blog. you are a pure INTERNET FAGGIT...and quite simply, without knowing what you look like, we can sense your physical inferiority, and don't try to respond with some "i watch ufc george pierre" bullshit...cuz that shit is just amateur. your old, probably have years of drug abuse under your belt, and would get assaulted easily.

don't bother responding...we don't talk to gays

Well there you have it. I didn't respond since, well, they don't talk to gays.

From the same geniuses who brought you the "grunge" pedal

Ask Bobby from 16 about what happens to a fool and his money...
Unlike the thin-skinned tards in WTC and Piledriver who need to brush the sand out of their vaginas, 16 are sophisticated gentlemen who enjoy perusing Metal Inquisition when they're not making the rounds in Los Angeles' poshest clubs. Bobby from 16 writes:

Hi long time reader first time emailer.

Thanks for the interview. By far the best one of our new record. I found this pedal on craigslist and bought it out of sheer financial irresponsibility for 40.00. I think it qualifies as a questionable metal purchase. BTW this pedal sounds like utter crap. The "pain" is just mid. The "scream" is just horrible distortion and the "guts" is just bass. You will not hear it on a new 16 album.

Bobby/16

Dear Bobby,

I know that 16 is kind of all about regretting poor life choices, but life is hard enough on its own for fuckups like us. You don't need to go out of your way to make things difficult by doing foolish things like buying the Death Metal Pedal on eBay. I am not sure what kind of menial, soul-crushing job you have or what kind of a pittance they pay you, but I am guessing that $40 is a lot of money to you, so in the future please check with us before making rash decisions like this!

Contact us
Send your butthurt complaints, compliments, pictures of distortion pedals, and Pyrexia trivia to inquisitionofmetal@gmail.com!

Metal Inquisition slams Decibel

Our friends at Decibel might be hipster metal posers, but they were at least smart enough to include a 6-page feature on slam metal in the latest issue in a futile effort to salvage whatever shred of credibility remains after stroking Mastodon's dick at every possible opportunity. Better yet, they interviewed me for the feature! I play the role of the expert on wigger slam, and wrote a sidebar entitled "The Essentials of Slam" or something.

Thanks to Albert, Panko, and the rest of the Decibel crew for including us! Do yourself a favor and pick up a copy at your local Chris Barnes & Noble!

More info here

Oh, how I long for those days...

I have to tell you, I sometimes miss the early days of this blog. Why? Because the standards were much lower then. In the beginning, posts were short, and only eight people were reading the blog. Today, swarms of fans greet me everyday as I make my way into the M.I. headquarters. It's a tough life to be sure, but one I chose.

In an effort to kick it old school for a day, I'm simply going to post these videos and let our readers discuss. I'm also posting these videos without much commentary, because I'm traveling this weekend. I will be visiting ex-poster Awakening in one of our many satellite offices. I have been cleared by the board to make him a substantial monetary offer, should he want to begin posting again. Who knows what he'll say.
Have a great weekend.










Last but not least, I once again bring you my favorite:

Wigger slam update, winter edition

There's a new dance craze that's sweeping the nation. It's called wigger slam and it's causing devastation!

It's been a while since we made a wigger slam post, which is a tragedy that makes Darfur look quaint by comparison. I would trade the lives of every single Romanian orphan for a single chance to play the Repudilation discography on my iPod while I'm in line at Starbucks. Seriously, fuck those kids, they're as good as dead anyway. In any case, there have been some exciting developments in the wigger slam scene that need to be mentioned.

Composted's SLAMBULANCE shirt
While it is disappointing to see that brutal death band Composted don't appreciate wigger slam like we do, we are still excited to see them raise awareness for the genre with the shirts you see below. The band is only mediocre (even to someone like me who has extremely low standards for slam metal- I mean I listen to fucking Artery Eruption!), but you might think about paying their MySpace a visit anyway. I'm sure it would make their day, since they probably spend all day bagging groceries or something to scrape together a pittance that pays the rent on the room they share with 8 other disgusting creeps at the local dirtbag metal flophouse. I'm sure glad I was never stupid enough to be in a band.


Entorturement vocalist drops some science
We have some insights on the origins of wigger slam from none other than the originators of the genre, Entorturement (and also the band who can legitimate claim to the worst name ever). He chimes in on the comments to an older post of ours, "The Facts About Wigger Slam":

LOL! This is Tim (former vocalist for entorturement). This is funny shit. Ok, yes Repudilation was the first to actually infuse a bit of Jazz into Death Metal. brian, their drummer, joined us and we wanted to do something different. So we went all out combining internal bleeding and suffocation with jazz,NYHC and Hip Hop. Growing up where we were you listened to Hip Hop. That was just how it was, mainly just NYC groups like Wu-Tang,Nas, Jay Z. It was like you are death metal (or deadhead,or jock) and you listened to hip hop. I am sorry for people taking it wayyyyyy out of hand. All the "thuggery" was taking the NYHC attitude at the time and multiplying 10 fold. In general, making fun of them.

Note that New Yorkment left them a nice comment on their Last.fm page:

OH FUKKKKKKKKK YEAH SON THESE BE THA SIKKKKKKKKEST SLAMZ EVAH!!! TOTAL BEATDOWN BRUTHAZ STYLE FO LYFE!!!

Amazon opens a wigger slam store
MI reader Matt Smith from Relapse tipped us off to Amazon's new wigger slam store. I'll be honest, the selection is a bit lacking (currently just a few Dying Fetus and Devourment shirts), but I'm happy to see that a big company like Amazon sees the potential for developing this market. I am sure that once they start producing Katalepsy and Abominable Putridity arctic camo parkas they'll have trouble keeping them in stock. MAKE IT RAIN!! I'm hoping they can hook up with Paul Wall and make some Soils of Fate grills. That shit would be HOT, and I'm sure all the European wiggers would eat it up. As anyone who ever sold anything metal-related in the 90s know, Europeans will buy anything!! I mean, without them, Joey DeMaio would have been out on the streets decades ago, picking cigarette butts out of the trash and selling Diet Mountain Dew cans for food.

See the store here!


Frogkill: World's first self-identified wigger slam band??
Perhaps I'm tooting our own horn here, but it seems that our influence has spread as far as Germany. We have been singing the praises of wigger slam for a while now, but it has so far been a externally-applied label. And to be honest, bands are generally not that stoked when we call them wigger slam (like these comments from that butthurt pussy in the Virginia-based wigger slam band Short Bus Pileup). A new one-man band named Frogkill is the first band we are aware of to call itself wigger slam, which is an amazing thing to behold! Congratulations, my friend! You are blazing new trails!We especially liked this statement on their MySpace:

And God said, "Let there be guttural slamming sickness!",
And there was guttural slamming sickness.
And God saw that it was good.

Now here comes the sad part. This poor kid is probably 19 or 20, and instead of sowing his wild oats banging hot German scene girls, he's spending his free time trying to impress internet metal nerds by making a one-man wigger slam band! Kid, you are going to look back on this part of your life and cry your eyes out at the way you pissed away the best years of your life. But congratulations on amusing a bunch of jaded metal dorks in their 30s at the expense of your youth!


Last.fm tags up 182%
Finally, thanks to everyone who has been dilligently using the wigger slam tag on Last.fm! If you haven't already, please tag all the relevant tracks you can. Fight the good fight! I'm not sure how Fall Silent got in there, but that's pretty funny.

Engrish: It's not just for snack foods!

There are few things funnier than when people from Europe or Asia try to speak English and fail miserably- a phenomenon also known as Engrish. While not all of the MI staffers are US citizens, all of us speak English well enough to enjoy a good laugh at the expense of a foreigner. For years, food packaging was the best source of Engrish laughs, but thanks to the interweb, now metal and Engrish are one. Gorevent, a splendid Japanese wigger slam band, recently updated their profile. The results are below. There are so many amazing turns of phrase I don't even know where to start! Thank you, Gorevent, for combining Engrish and guttural slamming brutality.

Herro!

GOREVENT(Abnormal Exaggeration DROP!!)

Gokucho and Sonobe (ex-REST IN GORE) started a deathmetal unit with Kasahara BRUTAL in Niigata City at the end of the year 2004, it was the very beginning of GOREVENT.

Abe joined the band in 2005 as the first permanent drummer, then GOREVENT got started sick'n brutal activity.

The beginning of the year 2006, Takashi (a.k.a.ILLEGAL ABORTION -Vo.&B.) joined the band as a second vokill vomitter.

In the fall of the year, Abe left the band, Moriyama (ex-TESTICLES VIRUS) joined us as a replacement drummer.

In the middle of February, 2007, Gokucho switched his equipment from a vokill to an axe so as to develop the whole sound ever more brutal.

Breaking through the myths: The facts about wigger slam

As I am prone to do every so often, I googled for "wigger slam" this afternoon. I was thrilled to see quite a few results, but it was clear that many people don't understand the genre. 

Please begin by reading my post from back in March, "Everything You Need To Know About Wigger Slam." Many people missed it because we didn't have as many readers then, but it's still a good place to start! Then, read all our other posts on wigger slam.

We ain't playing, son.

Apparently some people think that I am being ironic when I sing the praises of wigger slam. From Metal Sucks:

Reading all those Wigger Slam posts at Metal Inquisition usually makes me piss myself with laughter. I actually cannot tell if the posts are meant to be sarcastic, or if they really do like that music.

First of all, you must know that I am not joking even a teeny tiny bit about how much I love slam metal, especially wigger slam, and especially Japanese wigger slam. This shit is in my blood. While I'm at work, where I do things like market research for Pampers, Swiffer, and Febreze, I'm jamming Infernal Revulsion. When I'm at the gym, blasting my quads, you better fucking believe I've got Gorevent on my pink iPod Nano. I could go on forever. The point is that you are a poser that only thinks about wigger slam when you read Metal Inquisition, it's just a novelty to you. Wigger slam is a WAY OF LIFE for me.

Wigger slam is NOT deathcore

The next thing you need to understand is that these two genres are not the same thing, or even slightly related. For example, in the above Metal Sucks post, you can see that many people are confused (although some people in the comments do get it):

I can’t say as I get what all the hubbub is about — to these ears, wigger slam is basically just another, less cringe-inducing name for a genre we’ve all grown to hate — deathcore — with an occasional nu-metal influence — as if this is supposed to be a good thing.

To be fair, I can understand the confusion. Wait, actually I can't, they are completely different and I have no idea how they could get mixed up. I will be very explicit here so that there is no more room for stupidity:

People in deathcore bands look like this gaylord. If you photographed someone that was standing in the center of a Hot Topic when a bomb went off, it would look like the image above.

Deathcore = "Scene kids" playing shitty metalcore with blast beats and weak death metal-influenced breakdowns that aren't even good enough to be out-takes from a Green Rage or Extinction (click the link for funny pictures of Pete Wentz with dreads when he played in this horrible band) 7". Examples: Job For A Cowboy, Despised Icon, other wretched garbage they play on Headbanger's Ball all the time. Often they will mix in gay shit like singing or high-pitched screams in with their weak imitation of death metal vocals. They do not generally do guttural cricket vocals.

People in wigger slam bands look like this. If you are thinking that they look like the guy that comes to fix your air conditioning unit at work, it's because they probably are that guy.

Wigger slam = White trash dudes without two brain cells to rub together playing awesome, brutal death metal that is one Devourment-inspired slam riff after the next. The difference is that they often incorporate hip-hop references in their lyrics and the way they dress. This might seem strange, because we don't usually think of rap and brutal death metal as two things that go together. But it is actually very simple to explain: people who grow up as poor white trash (such as me) often listened to equal amounts of Eazy-E, Pantera, and Napalm Death. It is easy to see that combining those three is the formula for wigger slam. 

Wigger slam is also very popular with foreigners who don't understand how absurd it is to emulate this very American style. They have no idea how hilarious it is to see little Asian guys or dumb Swedes act like Long Island and Jersey shore trash. As Lucho Metales says, it's a little bit like watching Civil War reenactments. Although it's never not funny to watch their silly attempts at sounding tough, the Japanese are the masters of wigger slam.

Examples of wigger slam: Gorevent, Rest In Gore, Glossectomy, Dysentery, New Yorkment

(on another note, it's funny to see how upset the guy from Short Bus Pile Up is that I called his band wigger slam instead of just slam- and don't get wigger slam mixed up with cornfield slam!)

I hope that covers everything. In conclusion, please watch the above Devourment video. They aren't wigger slam, but as many readers already know, they are the pioneers of slam metal, and this video is a particularly good representation of them (featuring their original singer Wayne, who is now dead).

Also watch this Glossectomy video, particularly the very unusual dancing at around :33! I think it captures the silliness of Japanese wigger slam very well.

DISENGORGMENTIFICATION: The Metal Inquisition all-star band

Cover and lyrics (click for full size)

Back in 2003, Lucho Metales and I recorded a few dozen songs at Morrizound Studios. He played drums, I played guitar, and we both did vokills. All of the songs are first takes and written at the same time as we recorded them. Many of the riffs are stolen- the only one I remember is "Firestorm" by Earth Crisis, but I'm sure there are others in there too. In retrospect, some of the song titles and lyrics are still pretty funny, some of them are stupid and not funny.

More lyrics (click for full size)

When you hear the name "Disengorgmentification," your first reaction is to think that we are just a generic death metal band. But that is why we hate labels. Disengorgmentification incorporates a wide variety of influences, specifically Afro-cuban polyrythms, zydeco and fusion, to create a heady pastiche of sonic brutality that maims your eardums at Mach 9 (I stole that part from the sticker on the front of the Unseen Terror LP). Just as Mordred has their roots in thrash, but is much more than a simple thrash band, Disengorgementification is much more than a simple grindcore band.

WELCOME TO THE HELL

Unfortunately for us, it is 2008, and the market for noisecore isn't what it used to be. I am confident that had we released this in 1993, it would have been huge. And by huge, I mean that we would have been flooded with offers from cassette-only labels in Turkmenistan and Ecuador. If we played our cards right, perhaps we could have done a split with Agathocles, Psycho, or perhaps even appeared on a compilation with Paterini and Ulcerous Phlegm. In any case, there is no use in crying over spilled milk. All we can do is share the fruits of our labor with you and hope for the best.

For bonus points, see if you can identify where the samples come from. I am pretty certain we spent much more time finding those than we did actually "writing" or recording the songs.

Download the demo here (Rapidshare)
Click here to see a picture of a naked old lady in a witch costume (NSFW)

Wigger slam roundup, summer edition

Special request for wigger slam fans!
First, a special request to all Last.fm users: please start tagging your favorite jams as "wigger slam." I've gotten a start, but I need some help to get more artists in the mix! In any case, it's summer, and that means it's time to relax on the porch, read your favorite magazine, and catch up on the newest wigger slam metal. Without further delay, here are some tips:

Short Bus Pile Up
SBPU is a delightfully retarded wigger slam band from Virginia. If you, like me, like your slam metal like your women (thick and simple), you will enjoy this band. While I can't think of too many things more annoying than the dumb Municipal Waste "thrash" kids who wear hats with the bill flipped up, I am compelled to make an exception in this case:


Anyway, everything else you need to know about this band is summed up by the track listing on their debut album:

1. INTRO
2. DIY CIRCUMCISION <-- I like this title a lot - Sargeant D
3. PREPUBESCENT DEFLOWERMENT
4. SWIFT ANAL FIST
5. ONE NIGHT KEG STAND
6. APPEASING THE BUTCHER
7. LABIA BEAUTIFICATION
8. COLOSTOMY HAND BAG

Infernal Revulsion
This band is pretty well known about Japanese wigger slam afficionados, so please do not comment and tell me you already knew about them. If you did, pat yourself on the back. Anyhow, they play exceedingly slammy wigger slam, with plenty of slamming pit riffment. The one thing they add to the formula that's just a bit different is solos, and it's actually a nice touch. If you're looking to get into wigger slam, but come from a dinosaur metal background (for example, maybe you still listen to Deicide), this might not be a bad place to start. They're just a bit more accessible than most, but as you can see from the image above, their wigger credentials are above reproach.


Blunt Force Trauma
This is another Japanese wigger slam band. They're solid, but don't really do anything to stand out from the rest of the pack. Mostly I just wanted to put out that a) they named themselves after a Dying Fetus song (lololololololz) and b) they look like even bigger pussies than Lucho Metales and me. I'd like to know these guys better, because Dying Fetus is like the Screeching Weasel of slam metal. You're supposed to stop listening to them after you graduate from high school, they're more of a starter band than something you stick with. I have to give DF credit for inventing wigger slam and having amazingly retarded lyrics that make Waking The Cadaver look smart, but the fact is that they're excruciatingly boring and I can't stand listening to them for more than 2 minutes or so.



Misericordiam
This group of bright young men hail from the suburbs of Nevada, and they include the multi-talented Da Vinci of wigger slam: Big Chocolate. I have to be honest, there are slight touches of deathcore here, but I promise that they are minimal and don't get in the way of the mega-slams. In fact, this band should come with a certificate of pit riffment (note: not all slam riffs go up in value). In case you missed it the first time I posted it, watch the video above for a taste of this kid's skills. If that song doesn't make you put on camo shorts and a Katalepsy shirt while you mosh around your room, you are dead to me.

Waking The Cadaver: When wigger slam goes TOO FAR

There's no time for love, just time for hate!!

You know what I love? Fucking Fury of V. Back in the mid 90s, when mesh shorts, Tommy Hilfiger tank tops, and visors were the order of the day, Fury fucking held it down. Nobody fucked with those guys!! And if they did, they caught a Jersey-style beatdown! Those were the days, my friends. But you know what I don't love? When Jersey shore wiggers play crappy slam metal. And that brings us to Waking The Cadaver, a budget wigger slam band from somewhere on the Jersey shore. There many things wrong with WTC, but you can boil it down to three main issue:

1. They are the wrong kind of wiggers
When Japanese people or Europeans try to be wiggers, it's cute. It's kind of a novelty, like dressing your cat up in a funny costume or women's sports. With chavs or that weird jumpstyle dancing, you can excuse it because they're Euros, which means that they might as well be infantile retards so you can't really hold it against them. The problem here is that WTC are real life, authentic American wiggers, and nobody wants more of those.

Big pants waste precious fabric
(I stole that line from some 90s punk comp)

2. They are popular with Myspace homos
Perhaps because of their hardcore origins, WTC became an interweb phenomenon among suburban 17 year olds with girl jeans and Myspace haircuts. The results? Well... you can see below- it's not pretty:

Like Job For A Cowboy, Despised Icon, and whatever other atrocious bands are playing this wretched style, this is reason enough to hate WTC.


Note the abundance of wiggerish arm movements at around :35

3. Absence of quality control
The fact that there is a wigger slam band that I do not like should be the first sign of trouble. As MI readers know, my standards for slam metal are not exactly high. For example, I love Artery Eruption, although when I played them for Lucho Metales, he said "Dude... come on. We could do that in my garage in like 45 minutes." And he was right. Yet WTC is below even my laughably low standards for wigger slam metal.

Let's begin with the name of their album: "Perverse Recollections Of A Necromangler." Necromangler?? Again, if they were Japs or Euros, it would be fine (for example, Blunt Force Trauma's song "Fight In Anus" is great). But they don't have ESL as an excuse.

Cypress Hill sticker on guitar = not OK

The lyrics are pretty much what you would expect from the Einsteins that invented the word "Necromangler":

Countless nights getting twisted
extreme illicit substance inhalation.
Fuck...I'm craving some penetration
because hoes, let me tell you,
i do it unprotected like its my occupation,
and guaranteed
your puckering up your lips for a spraying.

Now keep in mind I am a huge Meatshits fan, so it's not like I am particularly demanding or looking for anything intellectual. But this is on another level of subhuman stupidity, something like what you would expect from Insane Clown Posse. For example, I think this verse from "What Is A Juggalo?" could be WTC lyrics:

What is a Juggalo?
He just dont care.
He might try to put a weave in his nut hair.
Cuz he could give a fuck less what a bitch thinks,
He tell her that her butt stinks, and all that.

WTC or random shitty hardcore band on Back Ta Basics? You be the judge.

As for their songwriting skills, rather than think of something witty myself, I will plagiarize some review from Encyclopedia Metallum instead:

I'm serious, the only riffs on the album are so mindlessly simplistic, the arbitrary blastbeats are the only thing that seperates them from being breakdowns themselves! If that's not enough, the only thing more "brootal" than the breakdowns is the breakdowns WITHIN the breakdowns. And the meta-breakdowns. And the resulting breakdowns whenever the band decides to cool off after "breaking it down".

Meta-breakdowns!! That is what we call solid gold.