If you were anything like me during the early 90's, you probably stayed up every saturday night to watch Headbanger's Ball. Sure, they mostly played Trixter and LA Guns videos...but once a while a gem would come up. Around 1990 or so, the best you could hope for was Anthrax or maybe Danzig. For my money, the Mother video was about the best one they could show. While other metal videos were filled with nothing but shirtless dudes, Danzig knew his fan base and always put semi-decent chicks in his videos. "Mother" was a prime example of this. Although I never found the two girls to be all that great looking, I often wonder where they are these days. Were they low-level porno actresses who still live in a lair under Danzig's house? Were they Eerie Von's cousins from Indiana? The ones that were willing to do anything in order to make it in Hollywood, and now work at diaper factory Bakersfield? Well, thanks to Metal Inquisition, you don't have to wonder anymore. I happened upon a video of a woman dancing to the famed song here, and quickly figured out who she was. That's right...she's still alive. Barely. She's still dancing to "Mother" too. Her face also looks like it caught on fire, and the fire was put out with soccer cleats. Watch and learn:
Aside from dancing to Mother, she takes requests and will dance to your band's music. She'll also show up to your band's show (if your band is a Pearl Jam cover band) and dance awkwardly on stage while people cringe.
Oh, and did I mention that she believes Glenn Danzig put a curse on her during the taping of the video?
While I believe that the videos above answer many questions that have always surrounded the Mother video, many are still unanswered. For example: Why is Glenn's mouth always triangular in shape?
Also, what was that thing that was on fire supposed to be? A torch? Glenn's fist?
I imagine the dudes in The Vandals tripped the fuck out when they heard Vin Diesel make an "Anarchyburger" joke in "XXX," because I think you naturally assume nobody other than your mom pays any attention to what you do. Our moms don't read this blog, so you can imagine my surprise when I discovered that not only was there a kid with a blog in England who is obviously a Sergeant D fan, and that I see crunkcore/BrokeNCYDE references in metal magazines/blogs all the time now. I also noticed that Last.fm's "wigger slam" tag had 40 users who made some nice additions to the description and genre artists.
I left the spelling mistakes in his email intact to underscore the fact that he seems to be at least somewhat of an authentic wigger.
You are in a a joke wigger slam band, Slamburglars. Please tell us give us more details about how this "band" came to be, who is in it, etc. How does it compare to the world's original joke wigger slam band, New Yorkment? How about Frogkill? We're a silly slam from Boston, MA. We consist of John Lucci (Crunkmeister 3000) on guttural exhales and gravity bong inhales, Connor Dunbar (Wiggerific Wiggerment) droppin 808 bass harder than bombs on Hiroshima, and Kyle Hagan (Slamboyant Goremasexual) on the six strings of steel and five knuckles of brass. I (John) have been into slam for a couple years, and I have appreciated New Yorkment’s comedic approach to making fun of the wiggers that have infested slam death metal. I am also pumped about the Frogkill dude’s new project, Impulsive Evisceration because his shits quality. Basicially, one night we got hella blazed and hella crunk and saw Composted live. After their set we changed our pants, went home, recorded a demo (The Carnivorous Butterflies Demo), then recorded an album (Hallucinogenic Hymns For The Morbidly Obese) the next weekend, and an ep (Decemberment) a month later. And then came the monstrosity that is… Cookie Monstrosity.
The production on your "album" is so atrocious that it would make 7 Minutes of Nausea weep with despair. In an era where you can get free software and dirt cheap hardware, what is your excuse? Don't you think the joke would have been funnier if the songs were actually listenable? You see, if you want music that is actually funny and quality, listen to Composted. They are fucking hilarious and amazing musicians. If you want to piss off your grandpa and kill small rodents, blast The Slamburglars. We use the fucking horrendous sound quality to cover up the fact that we’re the 3 most untalented musicians on earth. And apparently we can’t hide it. Every day a different person posts “Worst band I have ever heard,” on our last.fm page. And one of our Japanese compadres, probably that dude from the Guttural Slamming Brutality Crew, said “Shitty faggotest on the last.fm. This Shit After hearing Brokencyde, Brokencyde looks to God.” I personally love brokenCYDE, so that might have been the greatest compliment I’ve ever gotten. But no matter how hard we try, we can never be as horrendous as Waking The Cadaver.
Nice to see that only 2 of the top 8 artists in the genre aren't jokes!
At first I thought you guys were probably teenage metalcore nerds because you referenced Bring Me the Horizon, Winds of Plague, Lil Jon/Brokencyde, and other things that old people usually don't know about (where "old" is defined as 25+). But when I can actually hear the music, it sounds like you have some pretty decent slam/goregrind riffing going on so now I'm not sure. Can you tell me a little more about who you guys are? If you want to be "in character" and answer with a bunch of wiggerish nonsense, you can, but it won't be all that funny so I'd rather you didn't. Well that’s really not us in character. All three of us are straight up blunt passin’, 40-drinkin’ wiggers. I think it’s impossible to be as unintelligent as we pretend to be, but we honestly like hip-hop as much as slam death, just like John Gallagher. If you look at music as just music, I don’t mind some brutal deathcore, and there’s a lot of shitty slam like the Slamburglars, but honestly, listen to the slam in “Blindfold Surgery” by Abominable Putridity and you will realize that there is nothing heavier than a straight up slam. We love that shit, and this band is a failed attempt at ripping-off/bringing that brutality, while throwing some lulz in there. The sole purpose of this band is pretty much for me to start fights over myspace.
"shitty faggotest on the last.fm. This Shit After hearing Brokencyde, Brokencyde looks to God."
There are many regional styles of wigger slam: Texas, Russia, New York, Japan, etc. Which one is the most inspirational to you and why? EAST COAST SLAM, FO LIFE. In the local New England area we have some quality slam bands. Parasitic Extirpation, Dysentery, Composted, Eternal Suffering (whom I stole “East Coast Slam” from), that crew. But the United States puts out some of the shittiest slam out there. Honestly… Christian Slam? The Slamming Goregroove of Drowining In Phemaldehyde and Guttural Engorgement blew, but now Mark Lawls has to spoil our scene with Empty Tomb, his new Christian Slam band. Fuck Christianity. Fuck Open Mindedness. You want some quality slam? Go to the Czech Republic or Russia. I guess being formerly dominated by authoritarian Communism gets you wicked pissed, and when you’re wicked pissed you make brutal fucking slam.
One of your songs is entitled "Behead Those Who Insult Slam (Metal Inquisition Don't Know Shit About Tha Wigga Slam)." Can you tell me what this song is about? What made you think it would be funny to call it "wigga" slam? That was just to piss off Sergeant D. That mofo actuially knows his shit, but anyone who confuses deathcore and wigger slam don’t know shit about tha wigga slam. And replacing “er” with “a” is a common practice in Ebonics, so I chose to embrace my full wiggerificness and exploit African-American culture, as all good wiggers do.
As the first band to put a bass drop into a slam riff (on "Pierced From Within"), Suffocation could arguably be credited as the inventors of wigger slam. Yet they also have brothers in the band. What do you make of this? Suffocation and Composted are the only wigger slam bands that I know that are actually partially comprised of brothers. Is slam the new hippity-hoppity trend? Only time will tell…
Suicide Silence get butthurt about being called deathcore, I wonder how stangry they would be about being tagged "wigger slam"?
The guys over at Metal Sucks are old and out of touch. They don't see the difference between deathcore and wigger slam. I'm sure you'll agree that, say, Suicide Silence and Infernal Revulsion couldn't be more different, so can you explain it to them here, just so they know? I could write a fucking book about this topic. Deathcore is death metal influenced metalcore. Metalcore fans are sissies (obviously) therefore deathcore fans are sissies. Wigger Slam is wigger influenced Slam Death Metal. Wiggers are sissies (obviously) but they steal parts of African-American culture in an attempt to hide that fact. They must not know shit about music. Deathcore is centered around “breakdowns”, which are generally mono-tone staccato patterns of sixteenth notes, showing rhythmic variation contrary to melodic variation. Wigger Slam is centered around “slams”, which are simplified breakdowns which usually consist of a combination of quarter notes and eighth notes and usually only utilize the first 4 frets of the guitar. Old-school style slams, such as those of Dying Fetus, Soils of Fate, and Internal Bleeding, often have melody and sometimes are in major keys. If you still don’t get it, then you should just go join Waking The Cadaver.
I am sure no girls read this blog, much less any scene girls. But if you a scene girl and you happen to read this, please email me and include a) n00dz and b) contact information.
On that note, you also have a song called "Deathcore Megawhore." Who is this about, and how can I contact her? Please tell me it is the girl who models the Winds of Plague booty shorts! I fap to that picture daily. I wish that our band was famous enough to have eyecandy… I mean a “keyboardist” like Kristen Randall. Oh the things that I would do to her… But yeah, that songs about some bitch I hooked up with who liked Bring Me The Horizon but couldn’t get into Down From The Wound.
You guys are apparently avid readers of Metal Inquisition. What are some of your favorite posts, and why? (This is the part where you stroke our egos) I would stoke more than just Sergeant D’s ego.
That's all I have, is there anything you would like to add? Thanks! Yo homie, could you add in this html code down the bottom? Thanks.
Please pardon the interruption, but I would like to use this space to promote my other, vastly less popular blog, Stuff You Will Hate. This is a post that went on SYWH because it has scene-related content, but may be relevant to the interests of Metal Inquisition readers as well:
Blessed By A Broken Heart is my favorite post-ironic Christian hair-metal crunkcore scene band from Canada. Nobody likes a tryhard, and BBABH definitely try way too hard to impress you with what I'm sure they think are their hilarious antics. Look, I get it: they're "in on the joke." The fact that their entire image is a big ironic joke is fine, the problem is that it's not funny, it's just a tiresome, transparent cry for attention from a bunch of churchy dorks who are so painfully square that they feel guilty for drinking a Diet Pepsi.
Usually when I do these retroviews, I cover a band's entire discography, a whole scene, genre, or other broad range of albums. But sometimes you come across an album that needs to be dissected in detail, every note examined piece by piece. "USA For MOD" is just such an album, and we'll cover it in excruciating detail below!
The poor man's SOD Clearly I am a huge fan of SOD. When I got "Stormtroopers of Death" in 8th grade, it was like a whole new world unfolded before my eyes. An ignorant, hateful, angry world full of thrash parts and mosh riffs, a world that felt like home to this young boy. I don't remember how, but somehow or another I learned that there was another band that had the same singer as SOD, and their name was... MOD?! From the name to the cover art, everything MOD did on this record was a somewhat shittier version of SOD. Yet despite being incredibly derivative, it has a certain charm that earns it a special place in my heart. It's also pretty remarkable that it's still quite offensive 22 years after being released. Not too many records can make that claim! What that in mind, I will share my thoughts on each and every track on the album.
"Aren't You Hungry?" – 3:25 They certainly started things off with a bang! I'm not sure it was the best idea to drop the n-bomb, but apparently Billy Milano did, and Megaforce thought it was a good idea to release the album. In any case, this is one of the most mean-spirited songs ever written, which makes it pretty great in my book. It's also the strongest song on the album musically. But mostly I just like it because of the line, "They want the food to grow on what they call home land. But don't you know you can't grow food in sand."
"Get a Real Job" – 2:10 Long-time readers know that here at Metal Inquisition, we love kicking people when they're down. So does Billy Milano: after picking on starving third-world kids, he focused his attention on people with shitty jobs. I used to think it was about bums, which made me like it even more. I worked next door to a homeless shelter for two years and it pretty much made me feel like the best way to deal with the homeless is to grind them into high-end food for purebred dogs. Mostly because they have a hard time controlling their bowels. For example, when I got out of my car in the morning and stepped right into a puddle of alcoholic bum shit (it was cold shit, by the way). Or when I saw a fat homeless lady pull down her pants and shit on the sidewalk in broad daylight (this was on the corner of 9th & Stewart in Seattle, a very busy downtown intersection).
"I Executioner" – 2:31 I like to think about Billy belting this one out in the studio, straining so hard that his face turns red, beads of sweat appearing on his pasty skin, clutching the microphone with his pudgy, sausage-like fingers as though it was made of solid gold. I'm guessing that he couldn't think of any more SOD songs to rip off, so he stole an idea from Anthrax and wrote a song about Judge Dredd.
It's hard to even know where to start LOLing... there's so much to work with that it's kind of overwhelming!!
"Don't Feed the Bears" – 1:03 A lot of people like this one, it doesn't do much for me. Just a kind of boring and unremarkable novelty tune (did I just describe Billy Milano's career?).
"Ballad of Dio" – 0:11 Oh I get it, it's funny because the song is so short and the lyrics are mean!! Just like "Ballad of Jimi Hendrix!" Ha ha ha!! Man, these guys don't take anything seriously, do they?! What a bunch of characters!
"Thrash or be Thrashed" – 0:51 Add this one to the thrash metal checklist: Song about moshing. Specifically, a warning to new jacks about the potential dangers associated with moshing.
"Let Me Out" – 1:39 Dumb. Nobody cares about Billy Milano's feelings. Boring song.
"Bubble Butt" – 0:43 After a few not-so-good songs, here comes this fucking gem!! Of course I must point out of the obvious absurdity of a tubby little man like Billy Milano criticizing anybody's physique, but that's beside the point. What makes this song so great is that it's a simple chant that you and your friends can get into whenever you see a fat chick. Like when Skullkrusher and I were at the mall once and I saw a fattie, I just said "Bubble butt, bubble butt!" and he finished with "She's so fat!" and we had a good laugh. Another time I was at the mall with some of my friends, and some girl walked past us (we could only see her back). He said, "Hey, what's up?" She turned around and had a hideous face, so he laughed and said "Never mind!" He ended up being in one of the later incarnations of Integrity.
"You're Beat" – 2:15 This song is dumb, too. Like a boring, uncatchy version of "Kill Yourself."
"Bushwackateas" – 0:19 I still have no idea what this song is about! It sounds vaguely racist, but the lyrics are so cryptic that I really can't be sure. But I used to think about this turd named Ryan Matlock that was a Brother's Keeper groupie every time I heard the line, "Nice ears, you look like an elf." You see, he had big ears. I can only hope that the people at whatever menial job he has now call him "Radar."
"Man of Your Dreams" – 3:40 I had to look this one up, because even though it's one of the longest songs on the album, I didn't remember it at all. Then I remembered it was a song about Freddy Krueger. How original!! I imagine Scott Ian feeling like the older brother does when the younger brother copies everything he does. Like if you get a skateboard, and your little bro makes his own out of an ironing board and rollerskate wheels and follows you around all over the place. Not only does he get it all wrong, it's embarrassing for everybody involved, but you don't tell him to stop because you know how bad it would hurt his feelings. But you know Scott must have been like, "Dude... you gotta find your own voice... we already did the Freddy thing. At least write about Jason."
"That Noise" – 0:13 Funny when SOD did it, lame when MOD did it (I know, you might as well say that about Billy Milano's entire career after "Stormtroopers of Death"). I'm sure Alex Perialis was tickled to death.
"Dead Men/Most/Captain Crunch" – 3:30 Yet another example of Billy Milano mercilessly flogging SOD's material. "Milk" was mildly amusing, but the joke was over after that. Apparently he didn't notice, though, and chose to trot it out again. Ha ha, isn't it funny that a thrash band wrote a song about cereal?! How whimsical! What an ironic contrast to the angry, aggressive nature of their music!
"Jim Gordon" – 2:39 Never got into this one, but I was never really into the whole obsession with serial killers and stuff. Probably because my dad worked in a prison for 25 years and we talked about murder and arson over dinner since as long as I can remember, so the novelty factor wasn't there.
"Imported Society" – 1:46 I think they should have called this song "Speak English or Die." Oh wait! How about, "Stealing Scott Ian's Ideas, A Book By Billy Milano?"
"Spandex Enormity" – 5:27 If we can put aside for a moment the absurdity of MOD groupies, much less the idea that some of them would not be disgusting blobs, this song is one of the best on the album. "Don't talk to me, talk to Nick!" "You fucking fat bitch, I've had enough of you!" Great song, but does it really need to be five-and-a-half fucking minutes long?!
"Short But Sweet" – 0:06 File under "Recycled, stale SOD material."
"Parents" – 1:39 Boring, don't care. Liked the Descendents song "Parents" better.
"Confusion"/"You're X'ed" – 2:48 (written by The Faith) Boring, don't care part II.
"A.I.D.S." – 2:00 Possibly even more ignorant and shocking than "Aren't You Hungry" because unlike the title track, which I'm sure is a joke, there's a good possibility this one is sincere. Either way, it still manages to be pretty fucking offensive in the 2K9, which is no mean feat.
"Ruptured Nuptuals" – 0:13 I love this one! It's so simple yet it says so much: "You broke your vows, you dirty bitch, I'll kick you in your cunt!" It has that kind of hard-hitting directness that makes me love Death Threat so much: "I know no other way to take the pain. Instead of trying to make things better, I get fucked up everyday." Or when Dismember called their album "Death Metal." You don't know what else to do but shrug and nod as if to say, "Well, yeah, that's death metal all right..."
"Ode to Harry" – 1:31 Another novelty song. Mildly amusing, xenophobic lyrics, but not good enough to make me like the song. Whew, I'm getting fucking sick of writing about this band! Why are there so many goddamn songs on this record? I'm never doing another retroview like this.
"Hate Tank" – 2:20 When you see it coming, the shit runs down your leg! Good way to finish the album strong, especially after a stinker like "Ode to Harry." Also, any song with a reference to The Love Boat is OK in my book. I would be really excited if any readers can point to examples of thrash songs about some of my other favorite shows like Riptide, Simon & Simon, 21 Jump Street and CHiPs. For some reason I feel like Stikky had a song about CHiPs, but I may be wrong. Do kids under 25 or so know what CHiPs is? If not, it's a sad day for humanity. I love that show! I used to get up at 7AM on my summer vacation when I was 15 or 16 to watch reruns of it and Charlie's Angels every morning. And by the way, Skullkrusher looks and acts a lot like Officer Francis Llewelyn "Ponch" Poncharello.
This is the worst thing that has ever happened in the history of the universe. They invented the Nocturnus time machine specifically to destroy everything associated with this video!
Closing thoughts Fuck, that was torturous! What do you guys think of this format? It's a lot of work, but I feel like it does the best job of truly diving into a classic release like "USA For MOD." I definitely don't want to do it for just any album, but for the right record, I think it's worth it. Maybe next time I will do a track-by-track review of Nocturnus "The Key" and/or "Thresholds"? There is certainly plenty of material there! Maybe I can help to explain the finer points of "Enter the Droids" for you simpletons and new jacks.
If you're lucky, I'll summon the will to go to the upcoming Kottonmouth Kings show
It's no secret that I love screamo crunk, so you can imagine how excited I was when I saw that Hollywood Undead were playing... and with the infamous BrokeNCYDE of all bands!! It's like a dream come true! In case you couldn't see them in your town, here's my review of the show so you can live vicariously through me and have a little piece of the BC13 magic.
This is when they were chanting something about "Brokencyde, suck my dick."
BrokeNCYDE
BrokeNCYDE (aka BC13) opened the show and I was completely fucking stoked to see them. Since some you guys seem confused about this, I like BC13 about half-ironically, depending on the mood I'm in. If I'm wasted and either hanging out with a girl or about to be, I'm pretty into them. If I'm sober and acting like a grown up I can't really handle them. In any case, they started at 7:00PM and I was already fairly drunk because I'd been waiting around the venue for an hour and a half with nothing to do. Well, nothing to do except drink and talk to whatever girls were around who looked like I wouldn't go to prison if I said hi to them. I was hoping to at least get the chance to eyefuck some trainwreck scene girls, but I really didn't see any girls at all that were particularly hot. Kind of disappointing.
You have probably seen the video for "Freaxxx," but this song ("Get Crunk") is even more awesome/retarded
We ended up chatting up a mom/daughter pair that my friend was pretty into. The mom gave me her number. I wasn't really feeling it, but my friend was trying to feel her daughter. I also ended up getting some other girl's number, she was some 27 year-old midwest type with recently-installed fake tits (which I felt after she said "Feel them, they feel fake as shit!!"). She was cool enough but you know the type... she had on a Hurley sweatshirt or something, American Eagle jeans, and white Nike running shoes (not cool ones), and I can't handle that. Still, I did feel her tits so that counts for something.
My friend with the mom/daughter combo
When they started playing I felt like all my dreams were coming true all at once!! I seriously couldn't believe that it was actually happening. I mean, BC13 is basically the most ridiculous pop culture phenomenon of all time, and was just like "Holy fuck, this is actually happening!! This isn't just a dumb internet joke, this band really exists and these kids are 100% non-ironic!" As much as I wish I could pretend to be completely non-ironic here, I realized that I was on a different level than these kids who clearly had no idea that there was anything ridiculous about Brokencyde. With lyrics like these, I have a hard time seeing how that's possible, but it's true:
I can tell by the way she licks her lips. That we're going to fuck tonight! OMG I can not live like this. Will someone take my life! Here's a knife, go ahead and slice my wrist. I'm not emo, but I'd rather be dead then with this bitch!!!
Pick up your pants girl! We're not drunk enough to get it on. I need viagra! Cause you're too ugly to turn me on. I saw your picture. My Myspace has never done me wrong. Until tonight girl. You're not my type girl!!!
The other thing that occurred to me is that BC13 represents a changing of the guard in that the kids have finally figured out how to make music that offends and disgusts a generation of people who grew up listening to bands with names like Millions of Dead Cops, Regurgitation, Carcass, Ulcerous Phlegm, etc. I used to jam the Meatshits or whatever and think to myself, "Man, I have no idea how anybody could top this stuff, but I know someone will. I don't know how they'll manage to offend me and my peers, but I know they will." Well, now I know how, and I am happy I got to witness it live! It's pretty fun to google for Brokencyde and read everybody's clueless, butthurt comments about them, but this is only person I've found who actually gets it:
God - spare me the hate spewing “critics”! This music is not about listening to seasoned professional musicians. It’s about these young guys who put sounds together with a keyboard and computer and came up with something cool. It’s about dance beats, trash talking and having a good time. It’s raunchy, sexual, I’m sure it’s making parents toes curl around the world, AND it’s leaving people like you scratching your head saying “wtf?”. Sounds to me like a recipe for success. The next generation is ready to embrace “their” shocker. Posts like this only helps to solidify that perception.
Like you, the Christian retard who sings for Senses Fail (who played this show with BC13) sounds like a confused grandparent when he talks shit on his tourmates:
Yeah, I slam them every night because in no way, shape or form do I back anything they do or say and I am embarrassed that kids these days are into it and am sad that kids these days are exposed to it. There is absolutely no substance whatsoever in their songs and no passion in anything they do. It is the musical equivalent of a snow cone, bland tasting frozen tap water loaded with sugar, yet colorful, that will give you a brain freeze, melt all over your hands leaving yourself dissatisfied and sticky.
Yes, he is a dumb Christian who obviously hates fun, but he does have a point when he says that there is no passion. I have to admit I was pretty disappointed in their live performance. First of all, they were just wearing baggy t-shirts and unremarkable jeans. Where were the alt-bro shutter shades, the neon parkas, the purple skinny jeans?! I paid for a spectacle, dammit! They went through the songs fairly lifelessly. I'll be honest, I didn't find their performance to be particularly crunk. The kid on the left fiddled with knobs on their drum machine or whatever, and the other two guys rapped lethargically.
The guy on the left, holy fuck... he's got a face made for radio.
It might not have been their best show, but I'm still pretty stoked that I'll always be able to say I witnessed BC13 in the flesh!! In 17 years or so, when everybody is nostalgic for this shit, I can start a blog called "Scene Inquisition" and tell dumb stories about the time I saw a dude from The Devil Wears Prada at Starbucks (this happened last summer).
I don't have pictures of these bands so here is this one instead. Sup ladies.
Haste the Day / Senses Fail I barely remember these bands, I was at the bar most of their sets. The only thing I remember is spin kicking and punching some kids 90s moshcore style, which I didn't recall until I woke up the next morning with bruised knuckles. They were pretty good if you're into Christian moshcore... I mean they're no Strongarm, Focal Point or Crucified, and definitely not Unashamed (so fucking good!), but they were a good diversion.
Apologies for the blurry photo, but it pretty accurately captures how I felt and my fuzzy memories of the night
Hollywood Undead Now here is a band that I like 100% non-ironically. OK maybe like 98% non-ironically... but you get the point. I don't like anything 100% non-ironically, not even Pantera. I interviewed Funny Man (one of the guys in Hollywood Undead), but he pressed the button on my voice recorder that erased the recording, so I don't have that to add to this post. He was a cool guy and the interview was fun, basically we just talked about how dumb it is when people hate on the West Coast, especially Southern California. Also, he said that while Brokencyde might get more ass on tour, Hollywood Undead get higher-quality ass. I didn't witness anything to confirm or deny it, but it seems like it would be true to me. I didn't really talk to any of the other guys in the band for more than a second, but they seemed cool too.
I played this song for my friend at work a while ago, and she said "Wow they wrote a song about your life."
Their set was super fun and I had a great time, but I have to be honest... after witnessing the postmodern, mash culture extravaganza that is BC13, anything short of Mila Kunis proposing to me would have been a letdown. They opened with "Undead," played most of the record, and closed with "Everywhere I Go." I went home, changed clothes, and went to some DIY show at a warehouse where I drank more, unsuccessfully tried to chat up some indie girl, and drew graffiti in my friend Chris' book until 3 or something when I passed out. All in all, one of the best nights I've had in years!
Mark this day in your calendar. Today is the day that Metal Inquisition has arrived. Well, the actual day happened sometime ago...but it was only today that we became aware of it. What am I talking about? I'm talking about the fact that the band Mordred's official blog is aware of our existence...and they are also aware of how insanely bad we think they are as a band. The post on their blog is a reaction to this post here at M.I. You can read their reaction here, or just read below. From their blog:
Someone hates Mordred
Now, I'm not one to post negative stuff about the band, past or present, but I've recently been sent a link from Mordred fan Ian Crocker, and am hoping that all Mordred fans will bombard the idiot's who printed the pointless article. Basically, it's a complete slag-off of Mordred, lacking understanding of the music and also tends to get a little personal, so if anyone out there in Mordred land wants to email these bunch of time-wasting cocks, get on board. I've been open to posting bads reviews etc, but this is just a joke.
Reading their take on my post, I went back and re-read my Thanksgiving Day masterpiece. By Metal Inquisition standards, the post was rather tame actually, but did feature some real zingers (if you allow me to give myself some credit.) But really, how could I not have been that brutal on Mordred? How could I pass that opportunity up? I mean, it's THEIR fault for sucking in such an unusual and groundbreaking way. If they had sucked as other bands did (like Heathen, Toxic or Gammacide) I would have pass them up for my Thanksgiving Day post. Flaunting your sucking abilities in front of me by putting out horrible music, and doing terrible interviews....it's like leaving an unlocked Rolls Royce Phantom with the keys in the ignition in front of a crackhouse, and then being surprised when you find out it's gone.
Perhaps the thing I love the most is that the guy's angry response includes a plea for their fans to email us, and respond in some way. As of today, there are no responses on their blog, or ours from fans. We have also not received a single email about this. Apparently, the three relatives that bought their records are no longer fans. Bummer. By the way, this is a picture of the guy who writes and takes care of their blog. No, I'm not kidding. This is really the guy:
Seeing a picture of this guy, is like seeing a rare bird in its natural habitat. His plumage alone is majestic! And look at that fancy shirt! It's as though four or five horrible fashion trends collided to create this gender-neutral beast. If his hair were black, I would almost be forced to use our beloved "elegant gothic aristocrat" label. See, to all of us who live in the western part of this planet, all British people seem aristocratic, particularly when they shop at the same wig store as Phil Spector. Okay, I will merely say this: Mr Mordred blog guy: the entire albino community of aristrocratic douchelords called. They want their wig back.Let's all celebrate this huge occasion by watching Mordered's idiotic take on music, race and culture once again. This video never gets old.
Suffocation and Dying Fetus shirts, New Era hats cocked at a jaunty angle, puffy vest... we have a confirmed siting of slam wiggers!
We get a lot of press releases and stuff in our inbox, and usually I don't even bother to read them before I shout a curse at the sender, but for some reason I chose to read the latest piece of poorly-written, uninspired spam from Century Media and found the latest video from some band called Winds of Plague inside. I never thought it would happen to me, but my mind is officially blown. Many of you experienced this feeling when you read my epic post on screamo crunk a while back: half "get off my lawn" and half "wat."
As you can see from the video, they somehow manage to combine elements of tough guy hardcore, goth, cheesy commercial black metal, deathcore, and wiggerish arm movements. Look, I get it. I love Bleeding Through and wigger slam as much as the next guy. I've been on 18 Visions and Suffocation's dick since forever. But some things just aren't meant to be combined! Nobody is asking for a beef jerky-flavored energy drink, and nobody asked for wigger black metalcore!
This guy doesn't love "mashup culture" like David Gensler
Stop inventing new genres, you crazy kids!! Next thing you know we'll have an neoclassical industrial rapabilly fad up in here, and nobody wants that to happen. I remember when the Judgment Night soundtrack came out: I was terrified at the thought of more Dinosaur Jr/Del Tha Funkee Homosapien collabos, and I'm getting a similar feeling of dread as I watch this video. Will the charts of 2019 be full of Dimmu Borgir/Daddy Yankee mashups? If so, bring me the Nocturnus time machine so I can kill myself in the crib and be spared the agony of witnessing such a world.
Southern Californians or Bavarians? You be the judge.
At first I was convinced this band must be European, because only Euros and the Japanese are capable of combining exaggerated stereotypes of American subcultures into a giant, ridiculous, shit sandwich like this without a hint of self-awareness. They're clearly not Japanese, so I said to myself "There's no way these fucking retards are from anywhere but Belgium, Germany, or Holland." But then I looked on their MySpace and saw that they are from Southern California and I said, "Oh, right. Yeah, that works too." I love Southern California a lot, but let's be honest: the people there aren't the best at knowing when they are being giant d-bags. I mean this is the place that brought us Tapout, Affliction and Kottonmouth Kingz.
Here is what Winds of Plague's fans look like. Note his Brazilian jiu-jitsu shirt- he's sure to come down with Tommy Victor's Disease when he gets older.
I was doing an image search to find some pictures to make fun of, and found this douchelord. It turns out that he actually went to the same high school as I did, which probably is not a surprise to MI readers in that you all know that I am also a douchelord. In any case, if you happen to be from the Northwest like I am you can LOL at this guy for many things, not the least of which is moving to Spokane. Really?! Who moves to Spokane? Isn't that like a perfectly healthy person going to the doctor's office, rummaging through the biohazardous waste container and jamming a syringe full of AIDS into his eye as hard as he can??
It wouldn't be a Southern California metalcore band without a slightly below-average chick with a muffintop playing keyboards, now would it?
Oh, and did I mention that (to nobody's surprise), I think this band is awesome and want to hang out with them?? Seriously, this song fucking jams and I hope to catch them on tour with Brokencyde and Crazy Town this summer.
With so many genres, subgenres, and sub-subgenres of metal, it can be hard to classify a band. Are they progressive cyber pornogrind, neoclassical wigger slam, or post-structuralist industrial shred? Sometimes you just can't tell! With that in mind, we assembled this handy guide to identifying one of the most common species in the field: the thrash metal band. Simply go down the list and ask yourself if the following elements are present. Think of it as a Jeff Foxworthy bit: "You just might be a thrash band if..."
Toxic waste I am not sure why thrash bands have such a fixation on toxic waste, but they definitely do. The image above captures the toxic waste thing nicely, as well as a few other memes such as "smug, fat rich guy on the cover." I guess toxic waste was just part of the zeitgeist of the 1980s, as evidenced by the creation of the lamest superhero cartoon ever, Captain Planet. It's almost charming to look back at the 80s thrash movement as a time when people actually cared about stuff, as opposed to the unapologetic self-centeredness of today's popular music (for example, Avenged Sevenfold). By comparison, the idealism and enthusiasm of, say, Sacred Reich is kind of like watching Leave It To Beaver or something. Examples: Evildead, Nuclear Assault, Sodom
Mascot We pretty much said all there is to say about this phenomenon in our 3 part series on metal spokesmen (here, here, and here), but the list certainly wouldn't be complete without a mascot!
Amateurish sociopolitical commentary For some reason the 80s made every dumb thrash band think they were Noam Chomsky, and every band treated us to their unsolicited, uninformed opinions on social issues delivered in musical format. I don't completely get it, but as Mike Muir taught us, just because you don't understand it don't mean it don't make no sense. And just because you don't like it, don't mean it ain't no good. Because you wouldn't know what crazy was if Charles Manson was eating Froot Loops on your front porch. In any case, a thrash band can definitely write songs about shit like monsters, nightmares, and killer robots, but they have to include at least one or two songs about some kind of social injustice. For example, DRI's "Thrash Zone" has songs about lighthearted fare like moshing, but they also tackle meatier subjects like kidnapping ("Abduction") and that school sucks ("Beneath the Wheel"). That is the kind of effortless ambidexteriy that makes thrash what it is! Examples: Laaz Rockit, Sepultura, Sacred Reich, Suicidal Tendencies
Sick guitars You really aren't a thrash band unless you have the right axe. You definitely won't go wrong with trusty standbys like Charvel, Jackson and ESP, but they aren't your only options. If you want to mix it up a little, you can go with something a little more exotic like a Washburn, Karmer or even a Guild! As long as it has shark fin fret inlays, EMGs, a Floyd Rose, and a headstock that looks like it would take your finger off if you brushed up against it wrong, then you're good! Bonus points if the headstock is reversed.
This bad boy combines the oil painting and sick guitar items into one!
It's equally important to know what axes aren't ok. Basically, anything made by Fender or Gibson is off the list. Les Pauls are for punk rockers, and can you imagine Bloodcum jamming on fucking Stratocasters?! Hell no! That's like petting the cat backwards... it's just not done, you know? (By the way, please remind me to do a post on Bloodcum in the near future, I'm seriously shocked we haven't yet and "Death By Clotheshanger" is without a doubt one of the best thrash records ever made) Examples: Slayer, Exodus, Vio-Lence, Megadeth (Full disclosure: I stole some of the material in this item from an article KC from Himsa wrote in the zine Hardcore Maniacs back in 93 or so.. so KC, if you're reading, don't be mad!)
Wearing your own band's shirt You can think of many reasons why thrash bands would wear their own shirts a lot: lack of self-respect/complete disregard for their dignity, being broke, and so forth. Maybe they're just too lazy to do laundry. I have my own theory, which is as follows: they secretly hope that someone will see them at 7-11 or whatever and be like, "Hey bro, sweet Hirax shirt, their shit is hella mass tight," Then the guy will be like, "Thanks dude, that's my band, I play guitar" all nonchalant as though it wasn't the best moment of his life. In his head, though, he is thinking "Fuck yes!! Dude I'm finally getting the fucking recognition I deserve. With any luck, we could even end up on the next Concrete Corner sampler cassette!" But whatever the reason, you simply can't be a thrash band without wearing your own band's shirts. Examples: Literally every single thrash band ever
"Funny" song The 80s were an intense decade. Everybody was scared of toxic waste, nuclear war, and the Russians. We had to let off some steam somehow, and in the case of thrash bands, they did it by including at least one goofy "funny" song on their album. I mean, you can only spend so much time screaming about Reagan, the Iran Contra scandal, and whatever other social ills were plaguing us back then (junk bonds, maybe??). At some point you have to let your hair down and party!! Examples: Forced Entry "We're Dicks", Exodus "Low Rider", Anthrax "I'm The Man"
Anti-drug message I was too young during the 80s to know anyone other than my parents and all their friends that actually used drugs, but from what I saw in movies and on TV, absolutely everybody was on drugs. Rich people celebrated their financial success by snorting cocaine with $1000 bills in the back of plush limos, and poor people tried to numb the pain of inescapable urban blight by smoking crack. As if that wasn't enough to convince me that everybody was on drugs, all my favorite thrash bands seemed very concerned about drugs use as well! They even went so far as to include the "Winners don't use drugs" seal on the j-card of their cassettes (the image above is from Bad Dudes, but you get the idea). Examples: Believer, every band on Roadrunner
This awesome Wasted Youth video is perhaps the closest thing you'll get to thrash metal bingo!
What's missing? We are pretty great at our jobs, but we also know the power of crowdsourcing and Web 2.0 because we read Fast Company and Wired. So we ask you, our loyal readers, to help us complete the checklist! What did we miss?
I am sometimes hesitant to include much information about my private life here at Metal Inquisition. Why? Because I feel that my opinion as an authority in all things metal could be harmed should the masses know more about me, and how I roll. You may have heard that this is one of the key criticisms about The Economist that many people have. Most articles are not credited in that magazine, so no one knows who wrote them. Similarly, for all you know, I may live in a trailer park and drive a Delorean.
I could also be a fatty, emo, gangsta', goth, gender neutral thing...you never know.
So, against my better judgment I will now let you into my private life. I will now tell you something about myself, and here it is: I own a dog. My dog is a fantastic part of my life, and I love her very much. I usually behave rather idiotically when I'm around her, and some people probably get embarrassed and cringe when they see how I talk to her. Now that you have a clearer picture as to just how big of douchebag I am, I can share this new line of products that recently surfaced on the interweb. I can also tell you that even though I'm an asshole, and I like my dog way too much...I still think this is an idiotic line of products...and anyone who buys these deserves a long, painful death. What am I talking about? Garmutt, metal clothing for dogs of course!
The company is owned by one of the guys from Dillinger Escape Plan, apparently. Good for him, I guess he's trying to come up with some sort of back up plan for his failed musical gravy train, but this project will fail also. How can it not? I'm probably one of about eight people on earth who is a total idiot about their dog AND likes Metallica (kinda'), and I'm not willing to buy this crap...that means that a grand total of seven people worldwide are left as potential customers.
Look at that dog's face, that's how I looked after having heard the newest Metallica album too.
On a similar note, there's also metal clothing for kids and babies now. Why? Think back to when you were a kid, would you have liked it if your parents made you wear ABBA, Rod Stewart or Engelbert Humperdinck clothing? Personally, I would have hated it, and rightfully so. That was their musical taste, not mine. Why on earth do metal individuals think its any different for them now that they're parents or pet owners? Your dog may hate Metallica (he/she probably does actually), and your kid probably hates them also. You know how you hated it when your mom made you dress up, and take off your Maiden shirt back in the day? I know I did. Every metal kid I knew back then swore up and down that they would never become the opressor. Now we're all older, and look what's happening. Damn it all to hell.
Okay I get it, you're a hip, cool dad and you feel that you want to dress your kid accordingly. You're way different from the lame suburban dads with Volvo and Subaru station wagons. You're not a yuppie who drinks Starbucks coffee ans shops at REI. Well good for you, but here's a thought...it's a baby, not a godamn doll for you to dress up you stupid asshole. Babies should dress like babies, for the same reason that as adults we don't dress as babies, and for the same reason that a 5 year old girl in high heels would look creepy and depressing. Stop pushing your beliefs, particularly your musical beliefs onto poor defenseless creatures. As if the horrors of Abu Ghraib and Guantamo weren't enough, now Americans have found a new way to distinguish themselves by acting like jerkoffs in a whole new way.
To all of our readers who are lucky enough to live outside the U.S., I hope you don't have this type of stupidity going in in your countries. If you don't, however, I must warn you. Brace yourself, because it's coming. Just like Baywatch, other places around the world will first write it off as a lowbrow American invention with no value...and then every country will buy into it. If anyone thinks I'm going overboard, and that this is just clothing for babies and dogs, you're wrong. Think of me as the first person that spoke out when the holocaust began. Now who feels like an asshole? Not me.
From time to time, our beloved Metal Inquisition intern will find images that he thinks would be funny to post on the blog. Though he's often wrong (like that one of Scott Ian using a Dyson vacuum cleaner), he will sometimes find near-gems that are certainly worth sharing. Here are some of his latest finds.
The last time I decided to venture out and see live music for the first time in like a decade, a tub of goo who looked just like this ran up to my car in the parking lot and yelled out "Woooooooooh!" I just turned right back around, went home, and watched HGTV.
Imagine what it must feel like to be this guy. You think you're badass because you're selling merch for your friend's band. At a show, you meet a girl and she says: "You know who you look like?" in anticipation, you begin to think to yourself: Tom Selleck? Perhaps a young Rock Hudson? But then she says, "You look just like Tom G. Warrior". What a heart-crushing blow that would be, to be compared to a corpse from Switzerland.
At the risk of sounding like a bad Seinfeld impression, did you ever notice how metal fans tend to come in two sizes only? Dino Cazares fat, and concentration camp skinny. No in between. Lastly, do you think he got that NASA shirt because he's an actual astronaut? I guess we'll never know.
I have often made fun of juggalos for being the lowest form of human life, as well as for their aesthetic similarities to black metal fans (make-up, devastating good looks etc.) When you see this picture, however, you have to put all that aside and give this guy props. He's like a new breed of juggalo, a super-juggalo, juggalo 2.0 if you will. Looking an awful lot like a new character that Sacha Baron Cohen is working on, this dude is all "What bitch? Bring that shit on! I'll throw down right now! I don't care if I was going into the supermarket to get cream cheese, we can do this now!"
Based on his mustache and basketball shorts, you know he's not kidding. He will, in fact, fight you right then and there. Fans of the Howard Stern show may recognize the guy with facial hair in the background as Ronnie The Limo Driver.
Yet another sign of my advancing age: Wanting to punch this douchebag in the face so hard that his piercings will fall off. To think that all the work we put into the metal scene back in 1992 went to waste on this kid. Man, we fought so hard back then...and for what? So he can bleach his eyebrows while listening to Methods Of Mayhem.
At first I wanted to make fun of this awful record cover, but then I thought it about it more honestly, and I had to admit that this girl was my dream-lady back in 1988. Her outfit, that hair....godamn! She even has a dual-deck tape player/guitar! While you're making out with her, you could totally be dubbing your friend's Destruction tape! Could it get any better? One artistic/anatomic note however: how come where the two legs meet, all that happens is more leg?
For all you young kids, this is what the average female metal fan looked like in 1988. You youngsters are so spoiled these days. As gnarly as this female looks, dudes were lining up to talk to her about the new Testament album back in the day, hoping to take her back home.
Man, this picture is seriously unexpected. Billy Milano has finally let himself go. I knew it was only a matter of time. In case you're wondering, yes this is an actual picture of Billy Milano, not just a random picture of a gross fat dude.
Man, things sure have changed. Back in my day, no self-respecting metal fan was into sports. Today, Cincinnati Bengals fans are mixing their past times in ways that were previously unheard of. Why is she making that face you ask? She just had a bean burrito from the stand behind her, and its going through her faster than a speeding cheetah.
Have you ever seen that famous picture of the one time that Malcolm X and Martin Luther King met? It's often labeled "a meeting of the minds." This image is kinda' like that, but features two victims of advanced syphilitic brain infections. What do you think they discussed during this meeting? How to not let your bass be heard? Prostate advice? Catholic theology? We'll never know. I'm sure whatever they talked about, it was both idiotic AND annoying. These guys are real multi-taskers. (Update: As pointed out by a reader, Tom is starting to look more and more like Sitting Bull.)
