Reader request: Mucky Pup

I never really paid attention to Mucky Pup back in the day, but reader Savage made a request in the comments of our earlier Nocturnus post, and if there is anything that defines us here at Metal Inquisition, it's customer service. In fact, at one of our innovation retreats in 2008, we rewrote our corporate vision statement as follows:

The mission of Metal Inquisition is to provide society with superior products and services by developing innovations and solutions that improve the quality of life and satisfy customer needs, and to provide bloggers with meaningful work and advancement opportunities, and investors with a superior rate of return.

With that in mind, we enter the bizarre and frightening world of Mucky Pup.

I don't really know a damn thing about this band other than that they have a dumb name and I never gave them a chance back in the day because of it. Also that some of them were in Dog Eat Dog, who I listened to a little bit.




U Stink But I Heart U
Apparently this song was their big break, and I actually vaguely remember it. I was a huge fan of the comic strip Bloom County when I was a kid, including the hair metal band Billy & The Boingers that featured Bill The Cat. The guy who created the comic strip held a contest in which he asked bands to record their version of Billy & The Boingers' hit song "U Stink But I Heart U." Mucky Pup's version won, and was included on a flexi that came with one of the Bloom County books (which I had).

I'm not exactly sure what it mean when your band's biggest accomplishment is winning a jokey contest from a comic strip, but it is safe to say that's Mucky Pup's biggest claim to fame. Maybe they can tell me why Sarge is always so mean to Beetle Bailey!! And for christ's sake, why can't Blondie let Dagwood enjoy a sandwich in his hammock with nagging him about chores?? Fucking bitch.



Hippies don't like water
Aside from "U Stink But I Heart U" I don't remember any other Mucky Pup songs, so I fired up Youtube and checked it out. WTF is this shit?! It makes Brokencyde seem dignified, respectable, and stylish! Then again, I have to remind myself that this was 1991 and things were very different back then. Hypercolor wasn't ironic, Living Color thought it was perfectly acceptable to wear Body Glove wetsuits on stage, and MDC had turned into the hardcore version of Weird Al (see "Tofu Spaghetti"). The Youtube description notes that MTV never aired this video... weird! I can't think of a single reason why they wouldn't air it 24/7!!

Ugh I don't even know what to say... 1000000x worse than Brokencyde!

Also, "hippies" were still a relevant part of the cultural lexicon, with bands like Enuf Z'Nuf blending really shitty hair metal with a particularly superficial, irritating take on the 60s. Apparently Mucky Pup did not like this, so they made a novelty song about it. I'd like to think of it as an abominable, cringeworthy combination of Ugly Kid Joe and Murphy's Law... only without the cool parts of Murphy's Law like hitting people with an 8 ball in a sock, and with more fatties.

It gets worse when the fatty starts skanking and you can see his enormous, pasty thighs shake like a bowl full of vanilla jello

From the perspective of someone writing this in 2009, it seems quaint and a little charming to complain about hippies like we did so vigorously back in the 80s and early 90s. And maybe it is a little naive, but it reminds me of my salad days. It makes me long for simpler times, before screamo crunk and beardos, before scene hair and one-man MySpace drum machine goregrind bands. I just want to put a Scatterbrain tape in my Walkman, put on my baja jacket, and go skateboard behind Safeway. Either that or go smoke weed on a rock in the woods and listen to Pantera. Instead, I have to do my taxes and write a proposal for market research on Crest toothpaste and I am listening to Lady Gaga. Sigh...



Mr. Hand
This song is about how the singer masturbates a lot, presumably because the ladies aren't checking for him. It is actually sort of catchy, once again in a "poor man's 'Crucial Barbeque'" kind of way. I probably would have thought it was pretty funny in 7th or 8th grade. But I also thought it was a really good idea to wear red sweatpants, a Forced Entry shirt, a Batman hat and puffy white high tops from K-Mart (the brand was "Jox") six days of the week.

Between his physique, wardrobe, and hair I have no idea why he isn't drowning in pussy

Apparently the world had a big appetite for comedy metal in the 90s, and one of the staples of the genre is wearing oversize, zany Dr. Suess hats. The drummer for a local comedy punk/metal band called Dumt wore one every fucking time they played and it made me want to kill him even though I loved Dumt a lot. Actually, I still do.

These hats fill me with rage in a way that very few things are capable of

The Dr. Suess hats remind of other early 90s fashion mishaps like those stripey tights that were so popular at Lollapalooza. I always wanted to fuck the art fag chicks in my 8th grade art class that wore Doc Martens with stripey tights and listened to Skinny Puppy and Alien Sex Fiend.

Anyway, this song is fucking terrible, I don't even have the patience to look on Rapidshit for a copy of their album (or albums... did they have more than one?). This is like the equivalent of playing old NES games for the first time. Maybe if it was 1988 you would have looked past their many obvious and serious flaws, but it is 2009 and this shit sucks by today's standards.




Dog Eat Dog - "No Fronts"
I guess some people from Mucky Pup were in Dog Eat Dog, but I'm not looking it up because I just want to be done writing about this awful shit. I used to listen to this band a bit, but I haven't heard them for years and they are much fucking worse than I remembered them being. Apparently they felt like they hadn't made big enough assholes of themselves in Mucky Pup and decided to start a new band in which they would do the most embarrassing shit possible, then record it onto a CD which they would sell.

Look at him rap aggressively into the fisheye lens! He's so angry/authentic!

Listening to this song for the first time in years, the main thing I noticed is how these are maybe the very worst lyrics I have ever heard, even surpassing Brokencyde's "hardcore shit make u feel the toxic" line. I will highlight the parts that make me cringe and vomit the most:

No fronts no tricks no soap box politics
No guns just blunts we kick this just for fun

We come with the fat joints
To uplift the moods
Big up to people catchin' on this groove
This is Dog Eat Dog not a snitch or a snoop
I might chew a bone but don't call me pooch
We're not braggin - No
Are we laggin - Never
I can already see we got your tail waggin'
I could doggy bad ya
Or have you for lunch
The answer is no now - who fronts?

Introducing the kids who get loose
Microphone check one to the deuce
Deuce to the tre relax and parlay
With the 4-5-6 we roll hits
Flip the script to move your hips
Flavor we kick the boom to the bip
The boom to the bap ABK type fat
Strapped with crazy herbs and that's that

Alright kid what ya want ya get
S.G. Dog Eat Dog represent
You know the time so act like you know
Listen to the way this ill shit flow
We travel around all boro, any city
Some got beef but they wont get to me
If you come correct and your vibes are true
Peace to your crew
We're looking out for you

Holy fuck that was hard to bear, I seriously thought about smashing my monitor a few times just to make it stop. It's like a bunch of band geeks heard "Urban Discipline" and decided they wanted to give being tough a shot... only they added fucking trumpets to the mix, so it didn't work out so well. The video is full of the most annoying 90s cliches like flannels, fisheye shots, snowboards, and beanies. It's like a Saturday Night Live parody of post-Beastie Boys 90s culture, only it's all too real. Do not want.

Conclusion
I like Ugly Kid Joe and Murphy's Law better, fuck this band. Some things deserved to die with the 90s.

Metal Inquisition Hurts Mordred's Feelings

Mark this day in your calendar. Today is the day that Metal Inquisition has arrived. Well, the actual day happened sometime ago...but it was only today that we became aware of it. What am I talking about? I'm talking about the fact that the band Mordred's official blog is aware of our existence...and they are also aware of how insanely bad we think they are as a band. The post on their blog is a reaction to this post here at M.I. You can read their reaction here, or just read below. From their blog:

Someone hates Mordred

Now, I'm not one to post negative stuff about the band, past or present, but I've recently been sent a link from Mordred fan Ian Crocker, and am hoping that all Mordred fans will bombard the idiot's who printed the pointless article. Basically, it's a complete slag-off of Mordred, lacking understanding of the music and also tends to get a little personal, so if anyone out there in Mordred land wants to email these bunch of time-wasting cocks, get on board. I've been open to posting bads reviews etc, but this is just a joke.

Reading their take on my post, I went back and re-read my Thanksgiving Day masterpiece. By Metal Inquisition standards, the post was rather tame actually, but did feature some real zingers (if you allow me to give myself some credit.) But really, how could I not have been that brutal on Mordred? How could I pass that opportunity up? I mean, it's THEIR fault for sucking in such an unusual and groundbreaking way. If they had sucked as other bands did (like Heathen, Toxic or Gammacide) I would have pass them up for my Thanksgiving Day post. Flaunting your sucking abilities in front of me by putting out horrible music, and doing terrible interviews....it's like leaving an unlocked Rolls Royce Phantom with the keys in the ignition in front of a crackhouse, and then being surprised when you find out it's gone.

Perhaps the thing I love the most is that the guy's angry response includes a plea for their fans to email us, and respond in some way. As of today, there are no responses on their blog, or ours from fans. We have also not received a single email about this. Apparently, the three relatives that bought their records are no longer fans. Bummer. By the way, this is a picture of the guy who writes and takes care of their blog. No, I'm not kidding. This is really the guy:




Seeing a picture of this guy, is like seeing a rare bird in its natural habitat. His plumage alone is majestic! And look at that fancy shirt! It's as though four or five horrible fashion trends collided to create this gender-neutral beast. If his hair were black, I would almost be forced to use our beloved "elegant gothic aristocrat" label. See, to all of us who live in the western part of this planet, all British people seem aristocratic, particularly when they shop at the same wig store as Phil Spector. Okay, I will merely say this: Mr Mordred blog guy: the entire albino community of aristrocratic douchelords called. They want their wig back.Let's all celebrate this huge occasion by watching Mordered's idiotic take on music, race and culture once again. This video never gets old.

The ultimate turkey: Mordred

Today, in the good ol' US of A, it's Thanksgiving Day. For all of you who live elsewhere and may not know what Thanksgiving is all abut, I'll break it down for you. You are basically forced to go back home to see your family, where incredibly uncomfortable situations will take place due to the fact that you don't really get along with them. You want to get away from them, and go do something else...but your plans are usually stopped short because nearly all commerce is closed, and all your friends are in another city being miserable with their families.It's like christmas, but without the presents. Instead you just eat a whole lot, and often watch what is often refered to as american football.


The food usually consumed during this holiday is turkey, but I should tell you that "turkey" is also slang for a person or thing that is considered a failure, and thus undesirable. Now that we're all on the same page, I will tell you about the ultimate turkey. Mordred.


As soon as I began research for this piece, I realized just how insanely stupid and bizarre Mordred are. Why? Because they are still around, and they have gone from being the only prominent thrash metal/funk act, to being a renaissance festival themed band. I'm not even joking. Look at the photo below. They have managed to start sucking in an entirely different way, and managed to include their attire into their sucking strategy. Apparently they have now taken the name of their band literally, since Mordred is a character from the King Arthur legend. I guess. I'm so confused. If you want to see more, watch a video of them live here, or look at their official site here. Notice anything missing from this current Mordred line-up? Yup, they unloaded their DJ, DJ Pause, like he was dead weight.

Mordred today, after having somehow morphed from horrible pseudo funk, to horrible renaissance-themed metal...or something.

Back to Mordred as we knew them back in the day. Considered revolutionary by no one except themselves, Mordred stretched the bounds of music by managing to suck at two musical styles at the same time, metal AND funk...managing to sell dozens of records. Mordred was one of those exciting mistakes that happened at the Thrash Metal factory. They were an anomaly that should have been corrected, had all six sigma regulations been put into place. They were at best a factory second, a defect, a mutation that should have never seen the light of day, like those babies with eight heads and six eyes that die seconds after they're born. They were horrible at metal, and considered themselves to be a funk band due to occasional slap bass and the fact that they had a black DJ.

This is the cover of Mordred single "Esse Quam Videri", which is Latin for: "We make our DJ pose with malt liquor containers in all photo shoots"

Yes, that's a can of Olde English 800.

Members of the band attempted to seem open minded when it came to issues of race in interviews, I mean...they even wore Bad Brains shirts to prove their point! They also listed Living Colour as one of their favorite bands, so you know they meant business! There is one tourbling aspect about the band though, they always made their DJ pose with a container of Olde English malt liquor in band photos (See above). In doing so, the band single-handedly set back the clock on race relations by 35 years. For those of you outside the US who may not know what malt liquor is, much less Olde English, this is part of their Wikipedia entries:

Like many malt liquors, its relatively high alcohol content and low price make it popular among those on a tight budget wanting to become inebriated quickly. "Pour Some for the Homies" is often spoken during pouring a small amount of the top of a 'forty' on the ground, in recognition of deceased friends or relatives who were close.

As though it weren't bad enough that their DJ and his race were used as a novelty, and perhaps as a way of gaining minimal street cred, in one of their videos, they tastefully made him rap while he was dressed like a pimp. Yes, I get it...it's their amazingly hilarious take on 70's black culture...but god damn, couldn't they let the guy have some dignity? I'm surprised they didn't make him play basketball on film.



Until recently, I believed that Mordred's DJ was merely a prop borrowed from their record company's mail room. He was never interviewed, so I doubted he was even real. Not so. He's real! His name is/was DJ Pause, and wouldn't you know it...he has a Myspace page here. In his page, I found this picture of Mordred today (below). Apparently they've dissolved into what looks like an aging janitorial staff on their day off. Though this is basically the same line-up as the renaissance themed version of the band that is also active right now, this version features DJ Pause and the old singer. Please don't ask me to explain all this, because I have a headache just thinking about it. It's like in Back To The Future, when there's two Marty McFly's at the "Enchantment Under The Sea" dance. I found videos of both versions of the band, one with the old annoying singer and with a DJ, and one with the other singer dressed like a knight of some kind. Both version appear to exist at the same time. Are you confused yet?



Not surprisingly, Mordred's bass player Art also has a Myspace page. In his page he doesn't list an occupation, probably to keep the entire world from laughing about the fact that the guy who wrote and played on the song with these lyrics:

Go to work? Ha, no way
I see you work so hard
To pay your credit card
I see you bust your ass
To buy a new bus pass
So you can go to work
Like every other jerk

Now works the third shift at a machine shop, and is managed by a teenager half his age. Them's the breaks, as they say in the south. Check out the picture I found on his page, it leads me to believe he has turned into your average angry filipino who wears a see through shirts while suffering from late stage alcoholism.



Lastly, let's all enjoy the seminal moment in Mordred's career, documented in video format for all of us to enjoy. Listen to the depth of their comentary on music and culture. Turkey's served. Dig in!

Great moments in art history: Spotlight on Poland's TURBO

WARNING: The following post may offend our Polish readers. Please understand that I don't hate Polish people. I have been to Poland and I had a great time. My neighbors are Polish and very nice as far as I can tell. Also, I really like Turbo. "Last Warrior" is an ass-kicking record. Thank you.



Even though they didn't produce any artists, the Medici Family were essential to the growth and development of art in Florence during the High Renaissance. They produced 3 popes, but not a single artist. What they did do was sponsor some of the best of all time. The Medicis were basically responsible for the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. They sponsored Donatello, Raphael, Michelangelo and Leonardo Da Vinci amongst many others.

In the world of High Bad Cover Art in Metal Records, there's a "family" that has been sponsoring horrible cover art since 1981: Poland's Turbo. Sure, Poznan in no Florence, but great art always comes from unexpected places. Some may think that a comparison between Turbo's Wojciech Hoffmann and Lorenzo de' Medici is far-fetched, but believe me when I tell you, my friends, we owe both of these European men for a lot of great, great art.


Turbo started its great journey through the lands of second-rate shitty Eastern European Heavy Metal in 1980. (Trivial, but humorous fact: the band's 3 founding members were all named Wojciech...sorta like Mitch Harris and Mick Harris, except not at all like that). From the beginning of the band it was obvious that they were destined to play an utterly unimportant and forgettable role in Metal History. Turbo was, however, destined for greatness in Metal Inquisition History, which is, of course, way cooler. The fact that they are still together is so scary, I'm just gonna avoid that like I'd avoid a girl who's not that ugly, dresses OK, but has canker sores.

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1982's "Dorosłe Dzieci" (in English: "Fag In Yellow Overalls") was their first full length record. Where to start? Well, the composition is a bit unorthodox, that's for sure. Why is there all that weird negative space to the right? I mean that: why? I guess next we should address the elephant in the room... yeah, the elephant that is gay and wearing yellow overalls. Sure, this idiot looks like a member of 'Kids Incorporated', but he's screaming for heavy metal freedom in 1980's Poland, so I guess we'll have to excuse his retarded attire. Counter-clockwise from there we have Poland's answer to Tony Orlando. He and the bass player are holding hands and stroking the neck of the bass together. Whatever rocks their Polish Heavy Metal boat, I guess. Onto the bass player himself: he wears a sleeveless denim number. I bet you this dude sold his 1977 FSO Syrena 110 to get enough money to buy the vest. I mean, we are talking about a soviet nation in the early 80's... Denim was like gold to these people. Oh, yeah, he also has a pearl bracelet from Tiffany's 1981 collection. The singer is also screaming for freedom, but he wants the freedom to leave this shitty band (which he did after this album). I think he was influenced by Nugent's 'Scream Dream' and in turn influenced Brutal Truth's 'Sounds of the Animal Kingdom'. This last dude I don't get. It's such an obvious Steve Harris impersonation, why bother? Well, the guy is not completely useless, he came in third in a Robert Trujillo look-alike contest at some Funkcore fest in Kiev in 1994.

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Whoa! Hold the presses, we got a live one here! What a beauty! "Kawaleria Szatana" (in English "Down-Syndrome Ghost of Michael Jackson") was Turbo's third album. Like a 5oz. 80% pure Colombian emerald, it is not often that you find a gem like this one. Once in a lifetime type shit right here, gents. Study it for a few seconds. Let the beauty penetrate your heart...your soul. Let your eyes frolic through the beautifully rendered mountains or volcanoes or whatever. Admire the completely fucked perspective on the shoulders of whatever-the-fuck that is, enjoy the gift of the horrible see-though effect the artist blesses us with and rejoice in the puddles at the foot of the mountains that look like maxipads. The artist's name is Zbigniew Kosmalsk. It's in the liner notes. A normal human being would be too embarrassed to claim this piece of 3-day-old vomit as their own, but ol' Zbigy here seems to be proud of it. God bless his lost soul. I'll never understand Polish people... with their 8.5% ABV Tripel beer and those potato thingys they like... beyond me. Anyway, you know, it's the small things that usually make a record cover special. That little gold nugget the artist drops in hoping someone will find it and appreciate it. My dear readers, in this instance that nugget has a name... and it's name is "Rad Shoulder-Pads"!! Please hold your applause until the end.

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The soviet government destroyed a lot of the records in the 80's, so the facts are a bit blurry. For what I can make out Turbo wanted a change of look for their covers as early as November of 1996. I guess Zbigy's work wasn't cutting it anymore or maybe Turbo wanted to go more in a ManOwar, Frazetta direction. For whatever reason, they hired Jerzy Kurczak. Maybe because his name reminded them of New Jersey, home of great artists like... like... whatever... Anyway, Jerzy did the artwork (I use the term loosely, here) for their next album, "Ostatni Wojownik" (in English: "King Arthur never came to Poland, but we saw ManOwar last week"). The cover features a sword in a rock (Fuck, these guys are SO original!) and wraped around it is a Wornake. A Wornake is a half worm, half snake type deal. They are very rare, but not as rare as the horrifying Tomctopus, which is half octopus and half Tom G. Warrior.

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"Turbo Alive!" - Damn! What an original title! These dudes are super creative! Fuck, I wish I'd thought of it. The best part about the title is that the LP is fucking LIVE! Yeah, brilliant, I know. OK, the cover is a typical Frazetta-like deal. One huge difference, tho: I may be wrong, 'cuz I'm no Frazetta expert, but I don't think he ever painted a gigantic potato on a humongous termite hill as a background for any of his pieces. Oh, and there's the annoying little dude from Lord of the Rings on the left... No, not that dude, the other annoying little dude.

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"Last Warrior" was a re-release of some other record or something. I'm not sure. I completely lost interest on their bio after a while. Anyway, you gotta LOVE this monkey-looking guy on the bad-ass horse. I wish it was breathing fire, tho. The Lord of the Rings dude i chillin' in the back. Well, he ain't really chillin', since he's in the middle of the fire. It's probably hot as balls in there. Maybe the monkey-looking guy should put down the sword call the fire department. Hmm, come to think of it, he's got his own problems. Check out the milky semen tentacles trying to trap the horse and shit. Battle on monkey-looking guy!

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In the late 80's Poland was on its way to become a normal country, like America. Turbo was riding the wave of progress and released "Epidemic/Epidemie" in 1989. See? The title is in Polish AND in American! Anyway, onto the cover. We have a couple of naked muscular dudes giving each other back massages. I guess the WWE had gotten to Poland by '89. One of the guys is holding a Polish flag that drives our eye toward the castle. I don't think Edward Scissorhands is home. Below the archway we see: The Grim Reaper! The level of originality of these guys is simply uncanny!

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The last cover we'll look at is 1994's "Dorosłe Dzieci i Inne Ballady" (in English "We Wish Polish Chicks Smoked Peyote") I don't know what to say about this one. Maybe my funny-tank is running low. Some say it's been running low since the mid-90s. Just look at the cover and laugh, ok?

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So, here I leave you. There's 2 things you should take away from this post:
1. Communism is bad.
2. Turbo's music is actually not that bad. Seriously. Unfortunately the way they dress is REALLY horrible. Nice pants there, Comrade!



...

Retroview: Scatterbrain- Here Comes Trouble

Hey dude, don't call me dude!

Have you thought about Scatterbrain lately? If not, I don't blame you- they were terrible. But you have to admit that there was something strangely compelling about their brand of funk/thrash/comedy metal. Well, I guess you don't have to, but you know what I mean. They were basically one small, small step removed from Weird Al, which isn't generally a compliment. I thought they were really funny when I was 12.

Musically, they weren't that far removed from other terrible funk/rap metal bands of the time like Mordred, Faith No More, or Slik Toxic. However, the difference was that we laughed with Scatterbrain, while we laughed at those other bands. OK, we laughed at Scatterbrain too, but it was a little different. I look at it this way: if I was going to my 10 year high school reunion, I'd be way less embarrassed to say I'd spent the last few years playing with Scatterbrain than Mordred. But then, I'd probably rather be a registered sex offender than confess to being in Mordred.

Anyway, the early 90s were a weird time. People were experimenting a lot, sometimes it worked out well (Cynic), other times... not so much. But no matter what I say about them, we'll always have the classic video for "Don't Call Me Dude!" in our cultural lexicon, and for that, I am grateful.