From Italy with love

As I'm sure absolutely all of our readers know, the Giro D' Italia starts tomorrow. Like me, I know that all of you will be waking up at 9am (6am if you're in the west coast) to watch the Team Time Trial. Why? Because there is nothing more manly or metal than men racing their balls off for the honor of wearing a tight pink shirt. It's for this reason that I'm dedicating this post to Italian metal. If you are going to question the relationship between this blog and sports, don't. Read this first.



Drummers are hard to find, I know this for a fact since I play drums myself. It's for this reason that most bands will lower their standards greatly when it comes to timekeeping duties. Having said that...I think simply getting your retarded cousin who also suffers for cerebral palsy, putting some make-up on his face and plopping him behind the kit is a bit extreme....even for black metal.



Look at the mountains behind these idiots. You know how secretaries and fat suburban women from the midwest dream about living in Tuscany? They don't even know where it is...but it's constantly on their mind...along with Bed and Breakfasts, Myrtle Beach, jalapeño poppers, and Jimmy Buffett. These assholes actually get to live there...but still spend their time writing songs about goblins and trolls. What a waste. Oh, and one last thing. Don't you guys feel like total assholes for having built a 6 foot high stage, when only two people show up to your shows? Also you are violating the number one rule of playing metal live. Your stage should NEVER be taller than your amps. With a stage this high, you'd have to play with full Marshall stacks. I thought everyone knew about this rule! Man, Italy is so backwards!




Mortuary Drape is perhaps the epitome of both Italian stupidity and ingenuity. Just look at their inventive use of this quilty vest from the J. Jill catalog. J. Jill, by the way, is the ideal place to shop if you're a forty year old middle school teacher, or if you play in a laughable Italian band. That brand's reach is truly admirable. If you'd like to read more about Mortuary Drape, check out our post about them here. Why is he waring a purple satin vest you ask? Because the tight pink jersey didn't go with his creepy KKK style mask. Duh. There's one thing you should NEVER question, and that's an Italian man's sense of style.



Why is it ALWAYS the tubby ones that want to take their shirts off. Look at this tub of goo, he's holding his gut in so hard that I can almost hear him whispering "oh my god, did you take the picture yet?" under his breath.



Only in Italy would a fourth-rate death metal band (I bet you anything they cover Chapel Of Ghouls) willingly wear what are basically bell-bottom jeans, all in the name of euro-fashion. Tucked in wife-beater? Only in Italy. But hey, we should all give it up to these guys for not letting metal fashion cramp their suave Italian sensibilities. Rock those jeans boys...rock them! Oh, and to the guy with the flying-v, I'm glad you're wearing your Puma driving slippers. You never know when Jarno Trulli will get hurt, and you may be asked to step in mid-solo.



If you grow up in a miserable place with harsh winters, I understand why you'd get into metal and end up dressing up like a godamned knight everyday. For the record, I felt the same way when I lived in Miami. I would look at myself in the mirror...95 degree heat, and I was wearing a black Entombed long sleeve shirt, black jeans and a mullet. So yes, I was an idiot...but I was like 13, and never ever wore a steel helmet and shin guards. Anyway, when you're from southern Italy...well, let's just say it's beyond me. How on earth do you put this on for your band's photo shoot, and not realize how big of a douche you are? Oh, and you know this kid's mom is super Catholic and will probably throw out his shield anyday now, as she angrily screams "Diavolo! Diavolo!"




So I've criticized the guy above for wearing armor and waving his shield around the warm and fertile hills of southern Itally...but I have not yet offered a worthwhile alternative for him to consider. May I suggest Italian cyclist and international playboy Mario Cipollini. This guy is proof that you can be plenty happy, bang tons of girls and still keep some metal street cred by rocking a fantastic greasy perm. Oh, and let's not forget the mighty zebra stripes. Even Ted Nugent was jealous of his Acqua & Sapone kit.

"Would any of you ladies fancy a bit of bubbly from this strategically placed bottle?"

Does he seriously need the suspenders?

To our metal friends in Italy I say, try this look. Why not? What's the worst thing that can happen, perhaps you'll be asked by Living Colour to join them in a reunion show, all due to your understanding of day-glo colors and skin tight clothing. That's not so bad, is it? You'd still be involved in black metal. Oh.....easy joke, and a bad one. I know. Sorry. Thanks to AC for coming up with that joke 15 years ago.




I could try really hard to write something funny, something that would be devastating and nearly bring this man-child to tears...but in reality, it would pale in comparison to the hell his mom will give him once she comes home and sees that upside down cross on his forehead. Having spent some time in Italy, and having met my Italian friend's mothers (I'm looking your way Mr Gene Hoglan's Balls), there's one thing I've learned: don't fuck with an Italian mother. Period. I don't care how many bullet belts you have, I don't care how grim you are, I don't care how many denim vests you have, I don't care how many gas masks you hang from you belt. Just don't do it. How do I know? I'm from South America...the motherland of Catholic guilt and overbearing mothers. Trust me.



Man, the drummer always gets the shaft. The guitar player and the bass player get to take their instruments for a walk in the woods...the drummer never gets to bring anything other than his drumsticks. Sorry to point this out yet again, but if you think these guys look extreme, you should see the picture that was taken only seconds after this one. As they were standing in the woods, their Italian mothers found them and gave them all brutal thrashings with an extension cords and empty pans of lasagna.




If you've ever been involved with a TV or film shoot, you've probably often heard the phrase "we'll fix it in post", which means that the image or audio can be enhanced, changed or fixed after the fact in post-production. I can just see this evil teenager saying the same thing: "Ah damn-ah, I forgot-ah to bring-ah the blood-ah I was going to put all over myself...oh well, we'll just fix it in post-ah*", by which he meant he would simply use the Airbrush tool in Photoshop.

* These "ahs" are my humorous way of mocking the Italian accent.




No single backdrop speaks about the horrors of humanity, the sadness and grim existance we all endure, and man's inhumanity to man like Italy does. I mean, just look at this grim picture! Doesn't it just make you angry, like you want to sing battle hymns for satan and wear black metal make-up on the beach? Oh that's right...it doesn't. All it should really make you think about is laying on the beach, and going shopping for high Italian fashion, much like the Grisswalds did (see below). If anyone points out that Italy is oppressive because of it's catholic guilt and the Vatican...I say get over it. Millions of people seem to get by just fine. Seeing these pictures of metal dorks makes me want to fly over there and shake them until they barf.







These guys were about to drive off into the woods to do their shoot. Everything was going well, until the singer suddenly yells out "Oh shit-ah, did anyone remember to pack my Nazi uniform and hat?" the drummer says "I knew you'd forget it...ha ha, don't worry. I remembered to pack it along with my bullet belts. I got you man." That, readers, is true friendship. A guy who remembers to pack your classy nazi uniform is a friend for life.




You know how Hitchock used Hershey's chocolate syrup as blood for the shower scene in Psycho, since it was shot in black and white? Well, guess what these guys use for their make up? Spaghetti sauce. Crazy huh?





Electrical tape around his fingertips? Is he like the Michael Jackson of black metal? Why does he parade around construction sites with a ballpoint pen around his neck? As always, black metal photography gives us more questions than answers. In case you were wondering, this picture is proof of something I've commented on before many times. Time travel does in fact exist. Just look at those Reebok hi top sneakers! Put the keys to the Nocturnus time machine down, all you need is a plane ticket to Italy. By the way, I'm bummed to see that more and more European countries are starting to use American building standards. Using wooden 2x4's in European construction (along with drywall) seems sacrilegious. Maybe that's why this guy is posing in this construction site...it's the most unholy thing ever to be built in Italy!


A whole post about horrible things from Italy, and I didn't even mention Cripple Bastards once! Hooray for me!

_________________________________________________________________
Before anyone out there responds to my hilarious commentary about Italians by mocking Americans, let me remind you that I'm not an American. I too know that most Americans look like this:

And I also know that these kids, American as they may be, look like Billy Milano, who has Italian blood (which is thick as gravy) running through his stupid fat body. It's a complicated subject.

Speaking of Milano, are you craving even more Italian content? Today is your lucky day, and not just because the Giro starts tomorrow! Check out some past posts about this very controversial subject.

- Our post about Billy Milano's stage banter.
- Check out the post about Billy Milano banging broads on the road.
- Do you like horrible bands? Have you heard about Death SS?
- Would you like to see the house that a prominent Italian-American demi star like Joey DeMaio lives in? Ever wonder how much other Manowar band members paid for their homes? Read up.
-Do you love Lars Ulrich's dad, but also love roman Catholicism? You're in luck.

Every empire has its downfall

On September 4th, 476 A.D., the Roman Empire officially began to fall. On that day the last Western Roman Emperor was deposed, which kicked off the Dark Ages. Though this may all seem like useless history to most of us (although I'm sure Joey DeMaio would find it fascinating as a result of all the tight shorts, and oiled male bodies involved), there is a reason why I'm bringing it up. As the title of this post suggests, all empires rise, peak and eventually fall. This is true of musical empires and monopolies.

Although some of our readers may disagree, the United States and Europe have long been the driving force of metal since its beginnings. Having been born in South America, I'm well aware of the worthwhile developments in metal that have gone on outside Europe and the USA, but to be honest, most of these advances were themselves inspired by American or Euro metal. Tankard, Savatage, Doro Pesch, Nocturnus...these are all Euro/American products. As such, the dominance of the west can't be denied.

What am I driving at here? The potential fall of the Euro/American metal empire. Surely many have seen this coming. Some metal historians, in fact, now argue that this fall began long ago. Through carbon dating-like techniques, scientists can get fairly accurate readings as to when metal began to decline, but there is still some controversy about this subject. Some say it began when Scott Ian shaved his head, some say it's when Anthrax stopped wearing shorts. Others say it all ended along with Cliff Burton. Whichever way you choose to see it, we are currently living through the official decline of the western world's stronghold on metal.

While archeologists use carbon-14 dating to figure out how old an artifact is, metal historians and archeologists use the less popular, but similarly accurate Ian-Scale to date metal output. One must merely see how far along Scott Ian was into turning into a complete douche in order to date a piece of metal history. Was he partially balding when said event happened? Had he shaved his head yet? Did he have facial hair? If the event or metal album in question came after Scott shaved his head, it was officially produced after the decline of western metal. This gets into another topic, which I will post about very soon...when metal jumped the shark. But let's not get into that now.

You see, American innovation (like the economy) is down. American bands have turned into tribute acts, merely rehashing thrash of the 80's as irony, unlike South American and (some) Asian bands who do the same thing without knowing its hilarious. What Africa and the Middle East have in store for us we have yet to see. The metal population in these places (developing economies) are more arduous about their love for metal, and mostly lack irony. Irony, by the way, is the end of metal. If you become self-aware, you can't be metal. Why? Because you'd all of a sudden look down at your sweat pant-like jeans and go "What the fuck? Why am I wearing patches on my sweatpants...come to think of it, why am I wearing these awful, sweatpant-like jeans at all? Jesus!"

No irony here, just pure metal. I wonder where they can still find white high-top sneakers.

Look, the fact is that Euro/American metal is collectively asleep at the wheel, while other regions in the world continue to innovate. This is happening in the world of cars also. Who would have thought that Tata Motors (from India) would own Jaguar one day, and be slowly moving to being one of the largest auto manufacturers? You see, these people are hungry for innovation, and they will fight through economic hardship in a way that Euro/Americans no longer want to. So let's get down to business. Who should we fear as possibly stealing the metal crown? Is it South America, with the lively thrash scene? Perhaps Central America with its emrging black metal scene (I'm making this up.) How about metal upstarts in the Philippines. Oh yes. The best of both worlds. Latino-sounding last names and skin color, asian faces, a link to Death Angel..they have it all. Need proof? Please watch the video below, and note the gusto, and pride that these youngsters take in jammin' out to a horrible Metallica song (The Unforgiven.) I know that there are far more metal songs in the world than anything by Metallica ever did, but give it a chance. Unphazed by their lack of talent, or economic means, these guys plow ahead in an environment that most American bands would consider deadly. Watching this video reminded me of my upbringing in South America...bad plastic chairs, stray dogs, bad flip flops, it's all there. But that stuff is unimportant. Look at the commitment that these guys have, and compare it to the spoiled American fatsos who plays riffs on their seven-string guitars on YouTube. This, my friends, is sign of the metal empire shifting. It's time. Get ready. Metal's new kings will NOT wear leather chaps and furry armor (like Manowar), they will wear flip flops, shorts and stained t-shirts.

Manowar represents the old way of doing things. There's a new metal-Sheriff in town...and that Sheriff is wearing flip flops.

Before watching (at the bottom), please note the following:


While many American and European metalers would hide their love for metal in a family reunion, these guys are proud enough to play in their uncles 42nd birthday party. Think about that, most American kids aren't even allowed to wear metal shirts to family events...but these guys are proudly letting their metal flag fly.






While many Euro bands would simply cancel their performance at their uncle's birthday party if it were to rain, these guys went ahead and built themselves a makeshift tent just in case. Did they use proper materials to build said tent? Hell no! This is metal!





American metal fans would never be caught dead wearing shorts and flip flops during a performance, taking a cue from the likes of Anthrax, these guys take a relaxed approach to metal. They don't worry about theatrics, but choose instead to focus on the basics. Rock out.





While hip-hop artists in the U.S. often throw wads up cash up in the air "making it rain" to show their blah-like attitude regarding money (glam and hair metal had a similar approach to money in the 80s), the individuals in this video take a decidedly conservative approach in comparison. Here we see one guy flashing half of a dollar bill with intense pride. While some may mock this, it is precisely this type of thrifty attitude that will make their metal scene thrive. While American counterparts are throwing money away on McDonalds fries, EMG active pick-ups, china cymbals, gongs, corpsepaint, ironic vests and bandanas....these guys are saving up their half-dollars to buy low-end BC Rich Warlocks by the dozen. Now who's laughing?





Taking your bass to the local airbrush shop to get a custom paint job is NOT metal. Making a stencil of James and Lars' faces yourself IS metal. What will he do with the money he saved? I don't know, but whatever he does will be way more metal than anything any so called "metal head" would do in Europe or the U.S. Oh by the way, note that his bass matches his sweet shorts.

Depressing trends in metal: Cardboard Guitars

Based on the first part of the title of this post ( Depressing trends in metal ), you probably thought that it was going to be about black metal bands wearing corsets and looking like extras in The Matrix. Perhaps you thought it was about guys at death metal shows growling as though they were auditioning to be in the band. Maybe you thought it was about Robb Flynn's disease. As you can see by the rest of the title, however, it's not.

As it turns out, none of these trends compares to the ultimate, and most depressing trend ever. Cardboard guitars. You read right my friends, cardboard guitars. Turns out, they were a crucial part of the NWOBHM scene, and luckily for us, the BBC was there to document this unbelievable moment in metal history, and the great cast of characters that surrounded it. By "unbelievable" and "great" I actually mean "pathetic" and "dry-heave inducing". It all started with a cardboard guitar being used as a prop in a contest to see who was the best headbanger. No, I'm not kidding. When you watch the video, note the guy towards the end of the clip who is all pissed off because record labels wanted to give away cardboard guitars rather than letting headbangers make their own. The outrage!

Watch, be amazed, and depressed by it all. By the way, I would pay top dollar to find out where the main guy who is interviewed in this documentary is today. The poor dope has the personality of a dead moth...so I'm sure he went on to excel in the world of business, so he's probably a C level executive at a major corporation. The strong manner in which his voice projects, and his birdlike physique are the signs of a man with an unbelievable drive and vision. Just listen to him at the end, where he decides that he's too old to learn how to play the guitar, so perhaps he's better off excelling at pretending to play a cardboard guitar. It's like he invented Guitar Hero, he was so ahead of his time!



Watching this video makes me wonder if this is how the rest of the world saw my brother and I many yeasr ago as we toiled away making our (just as depressing) plywood bass guitar. It was a 5 string bass, by the way, since we couldn't decide if we wanted a guitar or a 4 string bass. We compromised on a 5 string bass with a whammy bar.

Three black metal images to get you through the day

Can you spot the grumpiest guy in this food court? I sure can, but can you blame him? Orange Julius totally screwed up his order.



Separated at birth? Maybe it's a stretch, but I found the similarity to be worth noting. Considering Suge Knight's past, and his temper...I have to say that the Death Row Records picture is way, way scarier.

Ahhh, nothing like a stroll through the suburbs on a nice spring day. By the way...Deicide shirt and corpse paint? You can't mix those two, didn't this kid read Lord Of Chaos? Oh, and one last thing, to the kid on the right who is carrying a hairbrush, the pentagram is supposed to point down, not up. Details, details, details.

Black Metal: Photo Analysis

Today, we present you with yet another look at the world of black metal, one of our favorite punching bags within the world of metal.

How do evil black metallers stay warm while watching TV on a chilly winter's day? With a cozy Slanket™ of course!

The guy on the left didn't get the memo about the difference between throwing the horns, and the sign for "I love you." Apparently he also didn't get the memo about not wearing flowing, pirate-style shirts, or his mom's jeans when trying to look evil.

1.
His mixture of a phallic helmet (that is clearly from the middle ages), with bullets (that are from the 20th century) makes his little costume highly inaccurate. I would feel like a dick for pointing that out to him though. I mean, when you were a kid, and you were pretending to be Evel Knievel while riding your cheapo BMX bike in your parent's driveway, your mom didn't ruin the fun by pointing out you were a douchebag, that you were 9 years old, and that doing a bunny hop didn't exactly count as a "stunt". So, if the dude wants to be a black metal "warrior" and dress up in cute costumes, I say we let him.

2.
This guy's hair is insanely dry and frizzy. He's looks like the Crypt Keeper with a magic penis helmet on his head.

3.
Can any guitar players who are reading this perhaps confirm if that's even a chord he's playing? Is his hat so magical that he's coming up with an entirely new musical scale? Why does he have two fingers on the A string, and on the same fret?

One sad thing about being in a black metal band in Florida is that after playing a sweet show in front of ten high school-age kids, you end up outside the venue sitting on one of those outdoor plastic chairs from Wal-Mart, rather than the throne made of skulls you always imagined.

MySpace photography, meets black metal, meets bad dental hygiene, meets comb over, meets a life of loneliness.

Playing the songs in front of eight people in a gym that could hold two thousand kinda' makes you feel like a douche for putting on the make up and all. So does the fact that a gym class was still going on during the epic performance of "Gates Ov Hell"

Are these guys building a house in the woods or something? It looks like a Habitat For Humanity photo shoot.

Is this a picture of a weird, third division soccer team in the Philippines I've never heard of? Douchebag FC?

Even More Metal Photography From Around The Interweb

Combining metal and magic, what a fantastic idea! For his latest trick, watch him post this picture online and make any sense of dignity he had left disappear.




Here's a little tip: when the top of your pants touches your armpits, it's time to stop pulling them up.




You'd be all angry and chop off your sideburns too if you found out you'd been conceived in the woods behind a supermarket. At least his dad kept it classy and took her to the soggy mattress by the overturned shopping cart.




Grumpy Metaller's Girlfriend:
"Aww, you're all grumpy. How come? Is it a case of the Mondays"

Grumpy Metaller:
"Don't mock me Susan. I'm not grumpy, its just that....you know that if I don't get my eight hours of sleep, I'm a bear in the morning, that's all "

I didn't know that Glamour Shots now offered a Manowar theme to its customers.

I'm glad to see that the BC Rich guitars the UN has been distributing in the third world through their "Axes Around The World" program have reached their intended recipients, without warlords intercepting the shipments.