Monday, September 22, 2008

Black Metal: Photo Analysis

Today, we present you with yet another look at the world of black metal, one of our favorite punching bags within the world of metal.

How do evil black metallers stay warm while watching TV on a chilly winter's day? With a cozy Slanket™ of course!

The guy on the left didn't get the memo about the difference between throwing the horns, and the sign for "I love you." Apparently he also didn't get the memo about not wearing flowing, pirate-style shirts, or his mom's jeans when trying to look evil.

His mixture of a phallic helmet (that is clearly from the middle ages), with bullets (that are from the 20th century) makes his little costume highly inaccurate. I would feel like a dick for pointing that out to him though. I mean, when you were a kid, and you were pretending to be Evel Knievel while riding your cheapo BMX bike in your parent's driveway, your mom didn't ruin the fun by pointing out you were a douchebag, that you were 9 years old, and that doing a bunny hop didn't exactly count as a "stunt". So, if the dude wants to be a black metal "warrior" and dress up in cute costumes, I say we let him.

This guy's hair is insanely dry and frizzy. He's looks like the Crypt Keeper with a magic penis helmet on his head.

Can any guitar players who are reading this perhaps confirm if that's even a chord he's playing? Is his hat so magical that he's coming up with an entirely new musical scale? Why does he have two fingers on the A string, and on the same fret?

One sad thing about being in a black metal band in Florida is that after playing a sweet show in front of ten high school-age kids, you end up outside the venue sitting on one of those outdoor plastic chairs from Wal-Mart, rather than the throne made of skulls you always imagined.

MySpace photography, meets black metal, meets bad dental hygiene, meets comb over, meets a life of loneliness.

Playing the songs in front of eight people in a gym that could hold two thousand kinda' makes you feel like a douche for putting on the make up and all. So does the fact that a gym class was still going on during the epic performance of "Gates Ov Hell"

Are these guys building a house in the woods or something? It looks like a Habitat For Humanity photo shoot.

Is this a picture of a weird, third division soccer team in the Philippines I've never heard of? Douchebag FC?


  1. Symbolic play often lasts for a lifetime. Black metallers (and metallers) are the confirmation of this theory.

  2. Can any guitar players who are reading this perhaps confirm if that's even a chord he's playing?

    Yes and no.

    Obviously it is one of these 'impressive ways to hold your guitar for photoshoots' chords, I am fascinated by the idea behind them. Is it to denote manual dexterity by showing the span of frets your fingers can achieve? Is it just to appear more interesting than when you hold a usual powerchord or even worse, no chord at all so as to say 'we play complicated music'? It certainly doesn't have anything to do with the actual notes themselves.

    That being said, every combination of notes held on the guitar constitutes a chord, Metal Inquisition. This particular one looks like Root - Minor Third - Diminished Fifth.

    Also what frank said, though I do not think this is a bad thing at all. These people's lives are made (possibly) much richer by their black metal playacting than Metal Inquisition's lives are by poking fun at the playacting of others.

  3. Another excellent post. Where do you keep finding these pictures?
    I made a bunch of lolmetal pictures a few months ago, but I had a hard time finding good pictures. Maybe my standards were too high...

  4. It looks like either B minor (7 on E, 5 on A, 4 on D) or B minor diminished (7 on E, 5 on A, 3 on D). Both combinations are kvlt, necro AND grim.

    Also, your assessment of his costume is entirely incorrect. This is clearly a self aware tribute to the Human Bullet from the Tick.

    Fire me boy!

  5. Dafmetal, those are great! Thanks for the lol!

  6. man, the official Slanket guy is actually scarier than the black metal version, thanks/no thanks to his expression and the possibility that he's not wearing anything underneath. very 'molester uncle' no?? *shivers*

  7. There has to be some Jedi 'slankets' out there somewhere...

  8. Complex chords are for pussies.

    Everyone knows the Major Third is the most brutal of chords/intervals (seriously, fuck the Tritone).

    Besides, what if he's using one of those beard metal tunings (you know, Standard B or, pray tell, Drop A#)? Yeah, I know is basically easier to name the notes by guiding oneself by the standard tuning, but that could be a terrifying prospect: Black Metallers actually knowing something about tuning.

  9. The huge vast majority of black metal I've listened to through the years sounds like standard tuning. Sadly for every Ved Buens Ende there's hundreds of Darkthrone clones strumming a powerchord left and right on the fretboard along with the high three strings constantly open.

  10. amazing. i like that skinny pakistani dude in the last pic, center. pakistani black metal ist krieg!

    daf, that "invisible cheeseburger" and the black metaller wielding a foil in his have-not kitchen are just amazing too.

    richer lives indeed.

  11. That picture of the dudes in the forest is fully legit. No bullshit going on there, it looks like a proper black metal photo.

  12. "you end up outside the venue sitting on one of those outdoor plastic chairs from Wal-Mart, rather than the throne made of skulls you always imagined".

    good god is that funny....ive got to go pee....

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