Monday, September 15, 2008

Andreas Kisser forced to play with Scorpions to pay rent — Cavalera brothers overheard saying "mission accomplished!"

Though some thought Soulfly was an actual band, it was merely a dress rehearsal for Max Cavalera's masterpiece, The Cavalera Conspiracy. From the moment the band began, the entire world has been laughing, but today we received news which clearly show that the band is no laughing matter at all. As it turns out, The Cavalera Conspiracy is not just the name of a band, but an actual conspiracy put together by the Cavalera brothers to do two things:

1. Take over the world's entire urban camouflage supply

2. Keep former Sepultura member Andreas Kisser from earning an honest living by playing in any semi-relevant musical act.

Proof that the Cavalera brothers have succeeded in accomplishing their second goal comes to us in the form of Andreas playing with Scorpions. Yes, he's a current touring member of the band. Can you imagine that the incoherent guy who did that rad 180 flip in the video for "Inner Self" has had to pimp himself to aging rockers like the Scorpions? I know that maniacs like Mr. Gene Hoglan's Balls enjoy early Scorpions material (last time he was at my house, he played side A of The Tokyo Tapes at least ten times), but this is so sad. It's about as sad as Max's camo bandana, or as sad as the one dude in Soulfly wearing a backpack while he plays guitar.


  1. LOL
    You don´t know half of it man.Andreas Kisser was forced to play with a brazillian country band for kids to pay the rent,check this out:

    And he´s also been playing with pop brazillian bands...Sad,really sad.

  2. Better yet:

  3. this. is. really. really. sad.

    Schizophrenia/BTRemains/Arise period Sepultura is greatly missed.

  4. What are the chances Andreas Kisser plays for this band next:

  5. Jesus...I really hated Chaos A.D., but I think Roots was the downfall of this band. As soon as Ross Robinson comes in to produce your band, you might as well sit on a big, sweaty, veiny penis.

  6. Ross Robinson = Bob Rock

  7. i wonder if he hangs out with Tony Choy?

  8. hard to believe thats the same dude who conceived "inquisition symphony"

  9. Andreas is such a joke as is. Add to that any relationship AT ALL with Germany's answer to Journey (never mind actually playing with them) and what you have is a sad, sad, depressing, but really funny joke!

    Beneath the Remains is still one of my top 10 albums of all times, but I try to pretend is by another band.

    the only good thing might be that old german rockers may just be the only vaccine against Robb Flynn Disease!

  10. This comment has been removed by the author.

  11. He doesn't forced, he was INVITED for Scorpions.
    In fact, Andreas loves hard rock and classic heavy. And he plays with another legends like Glenn Huges or DIO.
    He donates a part of money to help a brazilian foundation that calls MENINHOS DO MORUMBI (Children of Morumbi).
    He don't needs to play for food, what you says, cause he is a Fender clinician, and he is invited for record and write Soundtracks for Brazilian movies.
    Sepultura plays in many european festivals, and latin american people loves Sepultura.
    ¡¡¡Think before write shit... IDIOT!!!

  12. EWWW...the Scorpions...EWWW!!!