Greatest version of Venom's "Black Metal" ever played

Not that Venom didn't do a great job with the original, but when this kid takes his shirt off, you know he's more committed to the song than Cronos ever was. Link courtesy of Mr Gene Hoglan's Balls.

Metal Inquisition Archives: Crossover

Back in the late 80s, my brother and I would head down to the local supermarket in search of the newest issue of Metal Hammer on a monthly basis. Metal Hammer was the only publication available to us which had anything to do with music aside from Menudo, although thinking back, Menudo were pretty rad and almost metal looking themselves.

Look, the colors on the pants might be a bit much, but the guys from Manowar have dressed in outfits that are pretty similar to this.

South America in the 1980s being what it was, the "newest" issue of Metal Hammer in the supermarket's newstands would always be two years old, had pages ripped out, and would cost nearly three times what a normal magazine would cost. Still, being able to see pictures of the bands that we listened to was so rare, that no price was too large to pay. It was a bit annoying to read articles written in Spanish from Spain (a bit different from that spoken in other countries), referencing the recording process of albums that had been out for nearly two years. Nevertheless, the pilgrimage to the local supermarket was part of our metal routine, and we loved it.

Having only recently unearthed the Metal Inquisition archives, seeing our large collection of Metal Hammer magazines was a pleasant surprise. Seeing those magazines was like welcoming an old friend back into your home during a snowstorm. As such, I welcomed these beloved Metal Hammer's back into my life, and began to flip through their pages. As I turned each page, I was amazed by how many of the pictures, articles and ads I remembered perfectly. I must have looked through each of those magazines millions of times, and thus I still remember details from every page. I remember perfectly that the article about Slayer came after the Robert Plant picture (the selection was iffy at best) and before the Uriah Heap concert review. Among all the articles and reviews that I remember perfectly, the one you can see above, detailing Charlie Benante and Scott Ian's love of crossover and hardcore music is perhaps the one that (as awful as it is to admit) had the most profound impact on me. Look, I've already opened up about my embarrassing past to all of you, and even shown you the horrible drawings I made as a kid, so sharing yet another stupid aspect of my life seems like no big deal. It's kinda' how the anthrax (not the band) scare seemed like no big deal after September 11. It's exactly like that...but kinda' different. Anyway, back to the article. Around the time I saw this picture, my brother and I had already heard Cryptic Slaughter and D.R.I., and loved them both. I had trouble placing such bands within the metal spectrum, but enjoyed the fact that some of the band members had short hair, and dressed kinda' like my mom made me dress back then. Yes, I certainly tried hard to rock a vicious mullet (and I did from time to time), but whenever my mom took me to the barbershop at the mall (the one in front of the ice cream place, by entrance #7) my mullet was chopped off, and with every snip I cried tiny metal tears. Like Samson, I too lost my powers once my plumage was removed. For that reason, seeing pictures of guys in bands with short hair made me feel empowered, I could now tell other kids at school that my look was planned out, and not simply as a result of my mother's overbearing, tyrannical parenting style (any latino readers, or jewish readers for that matter, probably know what I mean). In contrast to the more relaxed approach of crossover bands, seeing pictures of Venom made me feel rather disconnected from them based on their attire. I simply couldn't relate to what they were wearing. As an 11 year old, my only thoughts were "How do they get their mom's to let them wear those outfits?" and "Does Mantas realize how phallic those nunchucks look?"

Thigh-high red leather boots, phallic nunchucks and a spiked girdle. Wow, you have to love 80s black metal.

In contrast to Venom, bands like DRI and Cryptic Slaughter looked (at least in their early albums) more like me. I remember seeing the picture below in a Cryptic Slaughter album, and being amazed by the fact that this guy's mom also made him cut his hair and wear white t-shirts. Though it may seem silly and superficial to be drawn to a musical style for aesthetic reasons, please remember that I was 11, and most of these bands seemed to play as fast (if not faster) than most metal bands did at the time. Also, how could you not love the DRI mascot? Which reminds me, was I the only kid who would run and try to stop suddenly in order to hold the DRI pose? Hmm....maybe it WAS only me who did this.

Awful spiked up hair? White t-shirt? Yay! This guy looks just like an 11 year old version of me!

Now check out this picture of the Crumbsuckers at the beach, and compare it to Venom. What a fun bunch of guys!




For the very reason that some kids were attracted to Slayer (aesthetics), I was attracted to these other bands. That, it would appear, was enough to make me like them at first. Yes, I realize that crossover amounted to little more than many bands sucking at two musical styles at once, instead of one. But hey, what can I tell you, I like pickle and peanut butter sandwiches too, and as far as I know, I'm not pregnant. In the end, it was no different from the people who were drawn to Venom because of their leather pants. Another aspect appealed to me was their lyrical content. Although I couldn't speak English at all back then (see my "welcome to the hell" drawing here if you need proof), I could make out some of their messages, and could easily see that the devil played no part in their lyrical content. Don't get me wrong, I too thought Eddie and Iron Maiden's visuals were cool as a little kid, but growing up in South America during an insanely violent time, songs about the devil didn't scare me or make much of an impression on me. Skulls, pentagrams, even Venom's whole thing on the back of Black Metal about raping nuns or whatever didn't seem all that evil. Real evil was the insanity that surrounded all of us in that area of the world back then. I had no proof that satan existed, but I did have proof that actual human beings had the ability of being insanely brutal and were murdering each other around me all the time in ways that Slayer and Sabbat could only dream of. Although I'm aware that many metal bands came from modest backgrounds in European and American cities, the levels of comfort they enjoyed were unheard of to most people in South American countries. Wealth and luxury, it would appear, afforded teenage minds the ability and time to wander and dream up these silly scenarios. Confronted with reality, South American bands (at least where I lived) largely sang about real topics, even if they looked a whole lot like Venom. Even having grown up in a comfortable setting, at just five years old or so, I saw a man's body after he had been shot in the face only minutes before. I remember his face and body being covered by a white sheet, as the sheet automatically soaked the blood from his contorted face. This happened outside a Chineese restaurant in the outskirts of the city, and I'll never forget how customers continued to stream into the restaurant, unfazed by the fact that a murder had just taken place. Similarly, for a short period of time during the mid 80s, the highway that my schoolbus took on its way to school would have bodies hanging from the trees along the route. Suicide was on the rise, and even six and seven year olds like me who were on that bus paid little attention to the bodies swaying in the morning breeze. When you see those things at an early age (and I saw way more, though in comparison to many I had a fantastic and easy life) Eddie was justy not as scary as it seemed to some American kids. Dead bodies, shootings, bombings, mass murder, these were the sort of things I had proof of. Humans, not the devil were way scarier to me...but I'm getting off topic.


You see, when I first came upon this article in Metal Hammer, I read it slowly, picking up every band name that was mentioned. I also made a mental list of the albums that were being held up in the picture, the ones that Scott was giving his decidedly positive thumbs-up to. Am I/was I a complete douchebag for taking musical advice from a godamned picture in Metal Hammer? Absolutely, but hey...as an 11 year old, it's not like I had that many other sources from which to derive musical suggestions. So with the list of albums from the picture, I would go on to buy every one of them (minus the Inferno one). I have to admit, it took me years to realize that the album which I thought was by a band called "The Wacky Hi-Jinks", was actually by Adrenalin OD. When I figured this out, I cursed Charlie for having hidden the band's name on the cover by not holding it at the very front. Had he held it up at the front, instead of the DRI album, I would have saved myself years of searching, and stupidly asking older dudes in my school if they liked the band "The Wacky Hi-Jinks". Oh well.




So over the years, I made my way through the list that was endorsed by these two metal titans. Much like I first listened to the Misfits purely because so many metal bands wore their shirts, I first listened to the Cro-Mags because of this picture. Unlike the first time that I heard the Misifts, which was a bit of a let down, most of these albums delivered the goods quickly. See, the Misfits were tough for me to like at first. I thought that if all metal bands liked them, and their skull looked so damn evil, they must surely sound like the fastest, heavist thing in the world. Having heard Napalm Death's Peel Sessions in 1988, I thought the Misfits were probably even faster and crazier. Imagine my surprise upon buying a Misfits cassette and hearing some mid-tempo music with a Jim Morrison impersonator singing. Sure, I grew to love it...but that first experience left a bitter taste in my mouth. DRI, on the other hand, delivered . Fast, short songs that came in bursts and made Metallica seem dopey and contrived.

The Crumbsuckers were perhaps my favorite among the bands I discovered because of the Metal Hammer article . Although my love affair with the Cro-Mags (who I also first listened to because of this picture) has lasted longer and been more intense, the first time I heard "Trapped" by the Crumbsuckers, I nearly pissed myself. That's not saying much, since I had a propensity for pissing myself back then at the drop of a hat. Unable to get their album, I first heard and saw them on the Hardcore video compilation, which was put out by Jettisoundz Productions. My friend Nicolas had a beta dub of it, so my brother and I made a dub of his dub. Our beta machines didn't have RCA connections, so we hooked up the two machines via coaxial cable, resulting in a dub of the poorest quality. You can see the tape below, complete with dot matrix printer song listing (circa 1988).



Although most of the bands on the tape were decidedly punk, The Crumbsuckers stuck out, as did their look. Like the singer from Cryptic Slaughter, Chris Notaro rocked a haircut I knew well, the very bowl cut that my mom had forced me to wear for so many years. The intensity of the video seemed crazy to me and as a result, upon visiting New York City for the first time I tried to look for CBGBs right away. Sadly, when I first went to New York City, I was 12 years old and my mom and grandmother wanted to go to Bloomingdale's and Saks Fifth Avenue instead of looking for CBGBs....what a bunch of posers! But let me get back to crossover, as this could easily go down the path of hardcore and punk...and this is neither the time or the place. I'll simply say that it's a bit embarrassing to admit that you first listened to the Cro-Mags, not because you saw them at CBGB's at an early age, but rather because you saw Scott Ian holding up one of their records. Oh well, such is life.



Look, this is by no means a definitive post about the subject of crossover, which was such a hot musical topic back in the day...but merely a quick exploration about my first exposure to the genre. A more thorough post will have to be made one day, one that follows the fallout of this type of music (Pro-Pain, Biohazard, Scatterbrain, Downset etc) as well as the use of skateboards as photographic props by bands like Anthrax and Metallica. Crossover was a way for bands to show their street cred, and was something that punks and metalheads could both hate. Who knew that this musical style would later on create an entire sub-genre filled with denim vest-wearing hipster douchebags (complete with ironic haircuts, guitars, backpatches etc) that would basically add up to a Civil War reenactment.


So where does that leave me? I'm not really sure. I'm getting older, and thus find blending my enjoyment ("love" would be a bit much at this point) for this type of music with my mature lifestyle to be a bit of a challenge. Luckily, DRI has just released this very tasteful polo-style shirt, which is equally at home on the golf course, or in the pit at a Ritz matinee (sweet Lalapolooza tribal armband not required). Why let the guys in the IT department have all the fun? Along with an nice pair of pleated Dockers, you'll be representin' your metal roots, and pleasing your boss all at once. Everyone wins!

Wanderlust: Metal Edition :: Mexico City is "muy caliente" (El Chopo)

We have discussed to length before how the rest of the world is still living in 1988 and it's the U.S. alone that thinks metal is dead. I recently spent 2 weeks in Mexico City and, let me tell you, it was an ALL-OUT-METAL-ASSULT! Or, like they'd say over there: TODO-AFUERA-ASALTO-METALERO!

Sometimes, when I fall asleep listening to Slayer, I dream of a place where you can hang out with other metalheads with South of Heaven blasting from a car parked near-by. A place where thousands will gather to show off their backpatches. A place where I can buy an Iron Maiden Eddie rubber mask for $9 and Morbid Angel's complete bootlegged discography for $0.75. Well, my friends, that place exists, and it's called El Chopo. This heaven on earth is basically the awesomest flea market in history. Hundreds of little metal/punk/goth street vendors set up shop on the weekends through about 8 blocks of city streets. They sell EVERYTHING metal, from spikey belts and bracelets to Acid Reign bootleg DVDs; from Pungent Stench T-shirts to King Diamond embroidered patches. My Mexican friend Memo warned of the sheer amazingness of this place, but I was not ready for this level of absolute, dark, metal mayhemic (Metal Sin reference) rock-o-rama! I'm sure right now you are thinking: "No way, 'Krusher, you GOTTA be lyin'!" Nope, I'm not. Proof? I got your proof RIGHT HERE! (I'm grabbing my crotch and pointing to this YouTube video narrated by Pedro, from Napoleon Dynamite... not really.) Ignore the punk, goth and hippie shit:





Oh, yeah, they also have awesome live bands:






So, of course when I was there, I met lots of Luchadores and bought plenty of shit. I asked my new Luchador friends to pose, wearing some of the shirts I bought and here's the gallery of my treasures:

Dr. Wagner Jr. sporting an awesome WehrMacht tee.

Ultimo Dragón wearing Dark Angel


Avismo Negro (R.I.P.) in a gorgeous Venom long sleeve


Mistico (my current fave Luchador) rocks the CF t-shirt right

Please Note: The above are not the ACTUAL luchadores. It's just me wearing their masks in my apartment. Please don't make fun of my circa 1998 hp scanner/printer that I haven't used in over 5 years or of my lady bug kitchen towels, my still-sealed spice rack or my never-been-used red kettle. Shaking off the remains of my ex-wife's influence in my life is tougher than I thought. Well, Abismo Negro died like six months ago and Ultimo Dragón lives in Japan, so it's not like this fashion show would have been impossible anyway.

SPECIAL SUNDAY EDITION: Gorgoroth's Gaahl comes out of the closet—puts Rob Halford to shame

You read the headline right. The Skeletor-faced Gorgoroth singer has come out of the closet, and boy has he done so in style! Not content with merely coming out of the closet by letting people know his sexual orientation, he has basically done so while wearing one of Liberacce's capes, singing showtunes and practicing dance routines from A Chorus Line. Not since this (not work safe) picture of Profanatica have the worlds of black metal and homosexuality blended so effortlessly. How black metal fans around the world will react to the news remains to be seen, and will be interesting to see, since black metalers have not exactly been the most open bunch to such things. Didn't a dude in some band go to jail for attacking a gay man in the 90s? (Sadly, yes. It was this douche.)


So, here are the details. It has been reported that Gaahl and his man, modeling agent Dan DeVero, are working on a fashion line that will debut in 2009. So, not only is Gaahl gay, he's also a fashion designer, and he appears to be into twinks who wear fur.


All of this is being reported by Blabbermouth, though the Gorgoroth sites (there's two bands with the same name right now remember?) make no mention of it. Could it be? It certainly makes for good conversation. Anyway, the fashion line that the two will launch is called Wynjo, which according to Gaahl is

an ancient Norse word meaning happiness, or to be more precise, the search for happiness. Perfection. I have always been preoccupied with aesthetics and what is beautiful.

Ancient Norse? Way to butch up the fact that you're designing women's clothing. Nice. In response to the news, Dani Filth commented:

I don't care if he sleeps with men. But the fact is, it's not just a man — it's a fashion designer, and they're making women's summer dresses together. I mean, it just could not get funnier, could it? Here's this guy [Gaahl] who lives on a mountain — he's the most evil guy in the world, right?

The news certainly explains Gaahl's anger (have you see that VBS documentary?), I mean, can you imagine being a closeted gay man in, living rural Norway, singing for a black metal band? You'd be angry too! Good for him for coming out, maybe he'll be a happier guy, and maybe he'll go to jail for torturing people a bit less now. As I see it, this bit of news certainly puts the 2002 case where Gaahl went to jail for torturing a man into perspective, especially when you take into account that part of the torture included the man's testicles (according to information revealed in the VBS documentary.)

When news about Rob Halford being gay came out some years back, everyone began to see song names like Hell Bent For Leather and album titles like Ram It Down very differently, as well as Rob's entire style of dress. So, was Gaahl sending out similar signs that all of us should have noticed? Let's take a closer look.



THE SIGNS

Wearing a fancy belt over a nice top? An unusual, but tasteful choice. TLC's What Not To Wear folks would certainly approve.




This image has been on the Gorgoroth site for some time now. He must like it rough.

Having lots of naked dudes on stage should have been a giveaway to all of us, but notice how he tried to make it hetero by having some girls crucified as well. Inconclusive, but we should have known.

Perhaps the most powerful signs that Gaahl was sending out came via his song titles. I leave you with these Gorgoroth song titles so you can think about them for a bit. See you Monday.

Teeth Grinding
Unchain My Heart
When Love Rages In My Wild Heart

and the best, and now most amazing Gorgoroth song title ever?

Blood Stains the Circle.

Three black metal images to get you through the day

Can you spot the grumpiest guy in this food court? I sure can, but can you blame him? Orange Julius totally screwed up his order.



Separated at birth? Maybe it's a stretch, but I found the similarity to be worth noting. Considering Suge Knight's past, and his temper...I have to say that the Death Row Records picture is way, way scarier.

Ahhh, nothing like a stroll through the suburbs on a nice spring day. By the way...Deicide shirt and corpse paint? You can't mix those two, didn't this kid read Lord Of Chaos? Oh, and one last thing, to the kid on the right who is carrying a hairbrush, the pentagram is supposed to point down, not up. Details, details, details.

Black Metal: Photo Analysis

Today, we present you with yet another look at the world of black metal, one of our favorite punching bags within the world of metal.

How do evil black metallers stay warm while watching TV on a chilly winter's day? With a cozy Slanket™ of course!

The guy on the left didn't get the memo about the difference between throwing the horns, and the sign for "I love you." Apparently he also didn't get the memo about not wearing flowing, pirate-style shirts, or his mom's jeans when trying to look evil.

1.
His mixture of a phallic helmet (that is clearly from the middle ages), with bullets (that are from the 20th century) makes his little costume highly inaccurate. I would feel like a dick for pointing that out to him though. I mean, when you were a kid, and you were pretending to be Evel Knievel while riding your cheapo BMX bike in your parent's driveway, your mom didn't ruin the fun by pointing out you were a douchebag, that you were 9 years old, and that doing a bunny hop didn't exactly count as a "stunt". So, if the dude wants to be a black metal "warrior" and dress up in cute costumes, I say we let him.

2.
This guy's hair is insanely dry and frizzy. He's looks like the Crypt Keeper with a magic penis helmet on his head.

3.
Can any guitar players who are reading this perhaps confirm if that's even a chord he's playing? Is his hat so magical that he's coming up with an entirely new musical scale? Why does he have two fingers on the A string, and on the same fret?

One sad thing about being in a black metal band in Florida is that after playing a sweet show in front of ten high school-age kids, you end up outside the venue sitting on one of those outdoor plastic chairs from Wal-Mart, rather than the throne made of skulls you always imagined.

MySpace photography, meets black metal, meets bad dental hygiene, meets comb over, meets a life of loneliness.

Playing the songs in front of eight people in a gym that could hold two thousand kinda' makes you feel like a douche for putting on the make up and all. So does the fact that a gym class was still going on during the epic performance of "Gates Ov Hell"

Are these guys building a house in the woods or something? It looks like a Habitat For Humanity photo shoot.

Is this a picture of a weird, third division soccer team in the Philippines I've never heard of? Douchebag FC?

Venom's Cronos Explains The Complex Inner Workings Of Their Musical Output, As Well As Metal Audiences

I know it's been said before....but god almighty, how can anyone in the world of black metal take the idiots in Venom seriously? Listening to these guys talk is almost more painful than listening to their music, or looking at pictures of them. Just look at the picture above. Nice roots Mantas, and nice pose also. Does it remind you of someone?


Here's another great shot of the not-so great band. Again, Mantas shows us how comfortable he is with gay imagery. Look at that mustache and sweet leather daddy outfit.






Anyway, on to the video. Please watch the video below and enjoy getting schooled by Cronos.



As grating as Venom band members are, at some point you begin to tune them out. It's like listening to your crazy grandpa talk endlessly. At first he annoys the hell out of you, then you tune him out...and quickly you find yourself asleep. Much like the sound of an air conditioner, a fan, or any other form of white noise, there's a soothing quality to it.

Wild Man...Wild!

Unbelievable stage banter (audio only) from black metal's leading idiot Cronos. No music here...just the mind of a genius at work. The audio is from a 1986 show that Venom played in New Jersey's City Gardens with Black Flag.

Years later, Henry Rollins (then singer of Black Flag) would go on to write about this show in one of his books. From Wikipedia:

Venom used portable fans to keep their hair flowing while on stage. "It was like seeing Spinal Tap ... I expected them to go into 'Sex Farm' at any second." Rollins writes that he and some tourmates drew magic marker pentagrams on their hands to flash at Venom and offer “Hail Satan” salutes. For their final number, Venom asked the audience to chant what Rollins thought was “Black Funky Metal”, which briefly made Rollins suspect that he had overlooked Venom's sense of humor, until he realized Venom was actually saying “Black Fucking Metal.”

You may recognize the "Wild man... wild!" sample that the Beastie Boys used on the song "Mark On The Bus". Listen and be amazed.

Robb Flynn's Disease Claims Another Victim — Venom's Mantas

The epidemic known as Robb Flynn's disease has claimed an unlikely victim, Venom's Mantas (real name Jeff Dunn). In case you are wondering, yes that's him on the right. Note the "wacky" haircut, facial hair and the fantastic suspenders that are hanging off his pants. The suspenders are made of chains. What else? The singer in his band (called Mantas by the way) is no genius either, check out his goggles. Is it just me or has the whole metal world started to take design cues from Rob Zombie circa 1995, and Tank Girl?

Look, Mantas looked like an idiot, even during the peak of his career. If you can call "Teacher's Pet" a peak. Just look at the picture from the back of Venom's influential "Black Metal" album. Mustache? Yes. White go-go boots? Yes. Gloves? Yes. Fan blowing hair? Yes. Over sized Honda touring motorcycle? Yes.


I've heard that "the squeaky wheel gets the oil", so perhaps this phenomenon is merely metal fossils looking at themselves in the mirror and deciding that they simply must fix the wreck that they see in the mirror. Still...you know you have turned into an absolute dope when people are actually thinking "you know, you looked better when you wore your white go go boots."

Black Metal Gets The Thumbs Up From The Fashion World

Everything can be co-opted. Yes, that includes black metal corpse paint. I remember the days when some people were seriously scared of even making fun of black metal, now you can see black metal on the runway. Designer Alexandre Herchcovitch, who is often a part of New York's fashion week, included what clearly appears to be black metal inspired make-up in one of his recent shows. See more here. Remember when grunge became all the rage? Dude, this is totally like that!

According To Cronos, "Venom Is A Brick"

How on earth can black metal bands take their musical genre so seriously, when it was clearly started by a band that was only slightly more serious than The Monkees? Just watch this video and be amazed by how incredibly dumb, unfunny and generally not evil Venom were. Also, how on earth do you decide that out of all the things you can compare your band to, a brick that you throw to "an area of land" seems like a good choice? Nice touch at the end when two members of this very evil band, basically perform fellatio on a bottle.

Lastly, do you think Cronos misses his hair these days? The interviewer from the picture below is probably asking, "Cronos, what is it like to look like a 60 year old Polish grandmother?"