Metal Inquisition Archives: Crossover

Back in the late 80s, my brother and I would head down to the local supermarket in search of the newest issue of Metal Hammer on a monthly basis. Metal Hammer was the only publication available to us which had anything to do with music aside from Menudo, although thinking back, Menudo were pretty rad and almost metal looking themselves.

Look, the colors on the pants might be a bit much, but the guys from Manowar have dressed in outfits that are pretty similar to this.

South America in the 1980s being what it was, the "newest" issue of Metal Hammer in the supermarket's newstands would always be two years old, had pages ripped out, and would cost nearly three times what a normal magazine would cost. Still, being able to see pictures of the bands that we listened to was so rare, that no price was too large to pay. It was a bit annoying to read articles written in Spanish from Spain (a bit different from that spoken in other countries), referencing the recording process of albums that had been out for nearly two years. Nevertheless, the pilgrimage to the local supermarket was part of our metal routine, and we loved it.

Having only recently unearthed the Metal Inquisition archives, seeing our large collection of Metal Hammer magazines was a pleasant surprise. Seeing those magazines was like welcoming an old friend back into your home during a snowstorm. As such, I welcomed these beloved Metal Hammer's back into my life, and began to flip through their pages. As I turned each page, I was amazed by how many of the pictures, articles and ads I remembered perfectly. I must have looked through each of those magazines millions of times, and thus I still remember details from every page. I remember perfectly that the article about Slayer came after the Robert Plant picture (the selection was iffy at best) and before the Uriah Heap concert review. Among all the articles and reviews that I remember perfectly, the one you can see above, detailing Charlie Benante and Scott Ian's love of crossover and hardcore music is perhaps the one that (as awful as it is to admit) had the most profound impact on me. Look, I've already opened up about my embarrassing past to all of you, and even shown you the horrible drawings I made as a kid, so sharing yet another stupid aspect of my life seems like no big deal. It's kinda' how the anthrax (not the band) scare seemed like no big deal after September 11. It's exactly like that...but kinda' different. Anyway, back to the article. Around the time I saw this picture, my brother and I had already heard Cryptic Slaughter and D.R.I., and loved them both. I had trouble placing such bands within the metal spectrum, but enjoyed the fact that some of the band members had short hair, and dressed kinda' like my mom made me dress back then. Yes, I certainly tried hard to rock a vicious mullet (and I did from time to time), but whenever my mom took me to the barbershop at the mall (the one in front of the ice cream place, by entrance #7) my mullet was chopped off, and with every snip I cried tiny metal tears. Like Samson, I too lost my powers once my plumage was removed. For that reason, seeing pictures of guys in bands with short hair made me feel empowered, I could now tell other kids at school that my look was planned out, and not simply as a result of my mother's overbearing, tyrannical parenting style (any latino readers, or jewish readers for that matter, probably know what I mean). In contrast to the more relaxed approach of crossover bands, seeing pictures of Venom made me feel rather disconnected from them based on their attire. I simply couldn't relate to what they were wearing. As an 11 year old, my only thoughts were "How do they get their mom's to let them wear those outfits?" and "Does Mantas realize how phallic those nunchucks look?"

Thigh-high red leather boots, phallic nunchucks and a spiked girdle. Wow, you have to love 80s black metal.

In contrast to Venom, bands like DRI and Cryptic Slaughter looked (at least in their early albums) more like me. I remember seeing the picture below in a Cryptic Slaughter album, and being amazed by the fact that this guy's mom also made him cut his hair and wear white t-shirts. Though it may seem silly and superficial to be drawn to a musical style for aesthetic reasons, please remember that I was 11, and most of these bands seemed to play as fast (if not faster) than most metal bands did at the time. Also, how could you not love the DRI mascot? Which reminds me, was I the only kid who would run and try to stop suddenly in order to hold the DRI pose? Hmm....maybe it WAS only me who did this.

Awful spiked up hair? White t-shirt? Yay! This guy looks just like an 11 year old version of me!

Now check out this picture of the Crumbsuckers at the beach, and compare it to Venom. What a fun bunch of guys!




For the very reason that some kids were attracted to Slayer (aesthetics), I was attracted to these other bands. That, it would appear, was enough to make me like them at first. Yes, I realize that crossover amounted to little more than many bands sucking at two musical styles at once, instead of one. But hey, what can I tell you, I like pickle and peanut butter sandwiches too, and as far as I know, I'm not pregnant. In the end, it was no different from the people who were drawn to Venom because of their leather pants. Another aspect appealed to me was their lyrical content. Although I couldn't speak English at all back then (see my "welcome to the hell" drawing here if you need proof), I could make out some of their messages, and could easily see that the devil played no part in their lyrical content. Don't get me wrong, I too thought Eddie and Iron Maiden's visuals were cool as a little kid, but growing up in South America during an insanely violent time, songs about the devil didn't scare me or make much of an impression on me. Skulls, pentagrams, even Venom's whole thing on the back of Black Metal about raping nuns or whatever didn't seem all that evil. Real evil was the insanity that surrounded all of us in that area of the world back then. I had no proof that satan existed, but I did have proof that actual human beings had the ability of being insanely brutal and were murdering each other around me all the time in ways that Slayer and Sabbat could only dream of. Although I'm aware that many metal bands came from modest backgrounds in European and American cities, the levels of comfort they enjoyed were unheard of to most people in South American countries. Wealth and luxury, it would appear, afforded teenage minds the ability and time to wander and dream up these silly scenarios. Confronted with reality, South American bands (at least where I lived) largely sang about real topics, even if they looked a whole lot like Venom. Even having grown up in a comfortable setting, at just five years old or so, I saw a man's body after he had been shot in the face only minutes before. I remember his face and body being covered by a white sheet, as the sheet automatically soaked the blood from his contorted face. This happened outside a Chineese restaurant in the outskirts of the city, and I'll never forget how customers continued to stream into the restaurant, unfazed by the fact that a murder had just taken place. Similarly, for a short period of time during the mid 80s, the highway that my schoolbus took on its way to school would have bodies hanging from the trees along the route. Suicide was on the rise, and even six and seven year olds like me who were on that bus paid little attention to the bodies swaying in the morning breeze. When you see those things at an early age (and I saw way more, though in comparison to many I had a fantastic and easy life) Eddie was justy not as scary as it seemed to some American kids. Dead bodies, shootings, bombings, mass murder, these were the sort of things I had proof of. Humans, not the devil were way scarier to me...but I'm getting off topic.


You see, when I first came upon this article in Metal Hammer, I read it slowly, picking up every band name that was mentioned. I also made a mental list of the albums that were being held up in the picture, the ones that Scott was giving his decidedly positive thumbs-up to. Am I/was I a complete douchebag for taking musical advice from a godamned picture in Metal Hammer? Absolutely, but hey...as an 11 year old, it's not like I had that many other sources from which to derive musical suggestions. So with the list of albums from the picture, I would go on to buy every one of them (minus the Inferno one). I have to admit, it took me years to realize that the album which I thought was by a band called "The Wacky Hi-Jinks", was actually by Adrenalin OD. When I figured this out, I cursed Charlie for having hidden the band's name on the cover by not holding it at the very front. Had he held it up at the front, instead of the DRI album, I would have saved myself years of searching, and stupidly asking older dudes in my school if they liked the band "The Wacky Hi-Jinks". Oh well.




So over the years, I made my way through the list that was endorsed by these two metal titans. Much like I first listened to the Misfits purely because so many metal bands wore their shirts, I first listened to the Cro-Mags because of this picture. Unlike the first time that I heard the Misifts, which was a bit of a let down, most of these albums delivered the goods quickly. See, the Misfits were tough for me to like at first. I thought that if all metal bands liked them, and their skull looked so damn evil, they must surely sound like the fastest, heavist thing in the world. Having heard Napalm Death's Peel Sessions in 1988, I thought the Misfits were probably even faster and crazier. Imagine my surprise upon buying a Misfits cassette and hearing some mid-tempo music with a Jim Morrison impersonator singing. Sure, I grew to love it...but that first experience left a bitter taste in my mouth. DRI, on the other hand, delivered . Fast, short songs that came in bursts and made Metallica seem dopey and contrived.

The Crumbsuckers were perhaps my favorite among the bands I discovered because of the Metal Hammer article . Although my love affair with the Cro-Mags (who I also first listened to because of this picture) has lasted longer and been more intense, the first time I heard "Trapped" by the Crumbsuckers, I nearly pissed myself. That's not saying much, since I had a propensity for pissing myself back then at the drop of a hat. Unable to get their album, I first heard and saw them on the Hardcore video compilation, which was put out by Jettisoundz Productions. My friend Nicolas had a beta dub of it, so my brother and I made a dub of his dub. Our beta machines didn't have RCA connections, so we hooked up the two machines via coaxial cable, resulting in a dub of the poorest quality. You can see the tape below, complete with dot matrix printer song listing (circa 1988).



Although most of the bands on the tape were decidedly punk, The Crumbsuckers stuck out, as did their look. Like the singer from Cryptic Slaughter, Chris Notaro rocked a haircut I knew well, the very bowl cut that my mom had forced me to wear for so many years. The intensity of the video seemed crazy to me and as a result, upon visiting New York City for the first time I tried to look for CBGBs right away. Sadly, when I first went to New York City, I was 12 years old and my mom and grandmother wanted to go to Bloomingdale's and Saks Fifth Avenue instead of looking for CBGBs....what a bunch of posers! But let me get back to crossover, as this could easily go down the path of hardcore and punk...and this is neither the time or the place. I'll simply say that it's a bit embarrassing to admit that you first listened to the Cro-Mags, not because you saw them at CBGB's at an early age, but rather because you saw Scott Ian holding up one of their records. Oh well, such is life.



Look, this is by no means a definitive post about the subject of crossover, which was such a hot musical topic back in the day...but merely a quick exploration about my first exposure to the genre. A more thorough post will have to be made one day, one that follows the fallout of this type of music (Pro-Pain, Biohazard, Scatterbrain, Downset etc) as well as the use of skateboards as photographic props by bands like Anthrax and Metallica. Crossover was a way for bands to show their street cred, and was something that punks and metalheads could both hate. Who knew that this musical style would later on create an entire sub-genre filled with denim vest-wearing hipster douchebags (complete with ironic haircuts, guitars, backpatches etc) that would basically add up to a Civil War reenactment.


So where does that leave me? I'm not really sure. I'm getting older, and thus find blending my enjoyment ("love" would be a bit much at this point) for this type of music with my mature lifestyle to be a bit of a challenge. Luckily, DRI has just released this very tasteful polo-style shirt, which is equally at home on the golf course, or in the pit at a Ritz matinee (sweet Lalapolooza tribal armband not required). Why let the guys in the IT department have all the fun? Along with an nice pair of pleated Dockers, you'll be representin' your metal roots, and pleasing your boss all at once. Everyone wins!

Wanderlust: Metal Edition :: Mexico City is "muy caliente" (El Chopo)

We have discussed to length before how the rest of the world is still living in 1988 and it's the U.S. alone that thinks metal is dead. I recently spent 2 weeks in Mexico City and, let me tell you, it was an ALL-OUT-METAL-ASSULT! Or, like they'd say over there: TODO-AFUERA-ASALTO-METALERO!

Sometimes, when I fall asleep listening to Slayer, I dream of a place where you can hang out with other metalheads with South of Heaven blasting from a car parked near-by. A place where thousands will gather to show off their backpatches. A place where I can buy an Iron Maiden Eddie rubber mask for $9 and Morbid Angel's complete bootlegged discography for $0.75. Well, my friends, that place exists, and it's called El Chopo. This heaven on earth is basically the awesomest flea market in history. Hundreds of little metal/punk/goth street vendors set up shop on the weekends through about 8 blocks of city streets. They sell EVERYTHING metal, from spikey belts and bracelets to Acid Reign bootleg DVDs; from Pungent Stench T-shirts to King Diamond embroidered patches. My Mexican friend Memo warned of the sheer amazingness of this place, but I was not ready for this level of absolute, dark, metal mayhemic (Metal Sin reference) rock-o-rama! I'm sure right now you are thinking: "No way, 'Krusher, you GOTTA be lyin'!" Nope, I'm not. Proof? I got your proof RIGHT HERE! (I'm grabbing my crotch and pointing to this YouTube video narrated by Pedro, from Napoleon Dynamite... not really.) Ignore the punk, goth and hippie shit:





Oh, yeah, they also have awesome live bands:






So, of course when I was there, I met lots of Luchadores and bought plenty of shit. I asked my new Luchador friends to pose, wearing some of the shirts I bought and here's the gallery of my treasures:

Dr. Wagner Jr. sporting an awesome WehrMacht tee.

Ultimo Dragón wearing Dark Angel


Avismo Negro (R.I.P.) in a gorgeous Venom long sleeve


Mistico (my current fave Luchador) rocks the CF t-shirt right

Please Note: The above are not the ACTUAL luchadores. It's just me wearing their masks in my apartment. Please don't make fun of my circa 1998 hp scanner/printer that I haven't used in over 5 years or of my lady bug kitchen towels, my still-sealed spice rack or my never-been-used red kettle. Shaking off the remains of my ex-wife's influence in my life is tougher than I thought. Well, Abismo Negro died like six months ago and Ultimo Dragón lives in Japan, so it's not like this fashion show would have been impossible anyway.

The Metal Inquisition Archives: I'm seriously overwhelmed

The picture above may look harmless enough, a simple storage container with random pieces of metal ephemera. I must tell you, however, that this image cannot begin to show the amazing contents held within. This weekend, my brother and I completed an important rite of passage in life, we successfully moved the last remaining bits of our lives from the house that last lived in with our parents. We are both old enough that we should have done this long ago, but in true latino style we kept dragging our feet in doing so. What you see above is the last bit of our life that had been left behind, and what an insanely amazing collection it is.

First, I should admit to all of you that continuously posting on this blog can sometimes be tough. Last summer, I was the only one posting for weeks at a time, sometimes almost three times a week. While that may not seem like a a whole lot to many of you, it certainly was to me. Recently, I've had to slow down in my posts (I mean, "pieces") due to being busy with other things in my life aside from writing embarassing stories about my past in metal. Having found this amazing archive of stupidity and metal, I'm now happy to say that I easily have ten years worth of material to post about...all of it amazing (I think) and insanely embarrassing. Actually writing it all out, and scanning this stuff will be a whole 'nother thing...but I'll try my best. If you are wondering what types of items live inside this amazing box, let me give you a sneak preview...but this is only the tip of the iceberg...a huge, funny and weird iceberg:

- Hundreads of drawings made by my brother and I, of real and made up bands in live settings. These are pencil drawings depicting Iron Maiden, Slayer, Helloween and many bands that we invnted mid-concert. It's hard to explain these, as they basically amount to our artistic renditions of a metal concert, since we had never been to one as little kids. Our drawing skills were very poor, but that didn't stop us from drawing tons of these. They are usually in A4 or Letter sized sheets of paper, and depict the whole stage, complete with lights, speaker cabinets and (in the case of bands like Maiden) the entire stage set. These date back to 1988 and are awful and funny as all hell. Some drawings are extra funny due to our insistence in writing things in english from time to time, even though we didn't speak the language. The results were disastrous. This part of our archives also includes many drawings of things other than bands, like album covers and many many band logos and flyers for made up concerts.

- Tons and tons of autographed items from amazing bands like Flotsam and Jetsam, Cannibal Corpse, Death, Excruciating Terror, Recipients of Death....including weird items like a flower drawn and signed by Trevor from Obituary. Each items has a nutty story behind it.

- My brother and I were obsessive collectors, and we have the scrap books to prove it. Many, many binders of what basically amount to metal scarpbooks, including the dated receipts to many of the tapes we bought. Did you ever wonder when and where I bought my first Believer tape? You'll find out soon.

- Did you ever wonder what our book covers looked like in school around 1991? You'll find out, because we kept them.

- Many letters I received and saved from people like Pat from Hellwitch and Richard C from Wild Rags...all circa 1991 or 1992. These are weird and funny. Pat from Hellwtich gives me updates about the Tampa scene, and tells me about his new house that he just bought.

- The zine my brother and I did in 1991, including the original manuscripts (in cursive, of course) to articles for it. Believe me, when you read my barely-coherent "piece" about Kreator which I wrote as a little kid... you'll be depressed ...but will laugh at the same time.

- Hand written transcripts to many songs like GWAR's "Slaughterama"

- Enough show fliers to choke a donkey, many signed by the bands.

- Programs to a few Milwaukee Metal fests, many zines and a few copies of The Wild Rag.

- Fan newsletters for many bands, including Miami's infamous Raped Ape

I know this post kinda' sucks, since I'm merely tickling your ass with a feather here. But trust me, it's gonna' be great in the long run. I'm just overwhelmed, and don't even know where to start.

Metal Archeology: Artifacts from a lifetime devoted to metal (Part 4)

Archeologists from UNC Chapel Hill uncover my oversized copy of Convicted. Thanks, dudes! I've been looking for that!

Yeah, I know it was my brother Lucho who started the Archeology posts (part1, part2, part3), but to be fair, most of the digs were done in OUR mom's basement, so in a way, they are my posts, too. Anyway, last time I was there I dug through old Metal Hammer magazines and Blue Grape backpatches to find a small box of tapes. Let me share some of my finds...



Ordered off some local rag in the late 80's in Toledo, Ohio, this was the very first demo tape we ever owned. Undertaker were a terrible thrashy band with horrible production, a terrible cover and a song called "Sesame Street Mosh". What a treasure!



I've talked about Impetigo a lot on past posts. They are still one of my top 10 favorite bands of all times. I was SO amped when I got this in the mail from Mark! He told me he took the tape to practice specially to get it signed for me. I'm not sure if that was true or not, but I was the KING of the metal scene that day and this tape was my crown. A really lame, lame crown.



This find goes back to the 80's. I hope you find this as funny as I do. Back in the day, in South America, it was hard to get original tapes, so dubbed tapes were the norm. This guy in my class, Eduardo, went to Miami for the summer and brought back a bunch of metal tapes. Of course, I dubbed them all, walked to a near by pharmacy and photocopied all the covers. One of the tapes he brought back the summer of 1988 was Maiden's "Seventh Son." Not sure why I felt the need to use color pencils and a black ball-point in a sad attempt at make the cover look "real", but I'm glad I did. I was 13, what an idiot!



There's plenty more junk where these came from, so stay tuned and watch out for the next "Metal Archeology: Artifacts from a lifetime devoted to metal" post!

Anvil! The Story of Anvil :: A Movie Review

Before I even start with this review, let me say that the only Anvil song I know is "Metal on Metal" and up until last night, I thought it was by Raven. That's how off my radar these Canadian fuckheads were. Let me also say that this morning I downloaded their first 3 albums and they are actually pretty fucking rad. In a cheesy Canadian 80's metal band kinda way.

I've never written a movie review before, so I'm not sure what I'm doing here. Let me just say that if you like MI, you're gonna LOVE "Anvil!". The peeps that made it basically read MI and thought: "Shit, let's make a fucking movie! We'll find a has been band that never was and make fun of them like they do on that blog!" Well, gents, you've succeeded! 

I laughed, I cried (from laughing), and laughed again (mostly at the ridiculous Canadian accents). This documentary starts with an "Anvil primer", if you will. A short introduction to who Anvil were. Then they start to lay it on THICK. Too thick, actually. Scott Ian, Fuckhead Lars, Lemmy, Slash, Johnny Zazula and even Tom Araya go on to lie about how amazing Anvil were. It must look really convincing, but to those of us who know better, it's all a bunch of horseshit. Anvil sucked and were NOT this super influential band without whom Slayer, Metallica, Anthrax and GnR would exist. That's just not true. Tygers of Pan Tang had more to do with 80's metal than Anvil, for fucks sake! I know the film makers had to make these guys seem interesting somehow, but give me a break! Playing guitar using a dildo does not make you a musical genius, it makes you a balding, aging sad, sad Canadian. If people really knew how lame a band they were, this movie would never had gotten the budget to be made and I would have spent last night alone, at home working on my yoga and watching reruns of House MD. Instead, I went to see this awesome movie and got some action afterwards. Looking at it from that perspective, I'm glad these dbags got their funding!

Anyway, after all the hype and bullshit,  we meet Robb Reiner (of course no relation to Rob Reiner, writer of "This is Spinal Tap"... it's just a weird, odd, weird, weird coincidence), and Lips, founders of Anvil. Their lives are obviously sad and pathetic. They remind me of the dude in The Wrestler. From that moment on I laughed for an hour straight. These clowns are SO FUCKING sad and pathetic that everything that comes out of their Canadian mouths is funny as shit. Add the accents and you have pure 100% 28K comedy gold. My stomach was hurting. I thought an usher would come and kick me out.

So they talk about how big they could have been and how their lives suck now, but  they catch a break and get to go on a pathetic European tour. This thing was booked by this ugly-ass broad who is totally incompetent and play in front of bartenders and tens of fans all over the old continent. At some fest in Sweden they get to meet all these "Metal celebrities" and not ONE of them know who the fuck they are. It's a non-stop laugh-a-thon! It's so well edited, they look like total chumps! 

Besides a drummer, Robb figures himself an 'artist'. Some of his work is actually not THAT bad, but he has a painting of a turd on a toilet that basically sums up Anvil's career. 

The movie ends with a show they play in Japan and like 10.000 people are there, so you'll leave the theater feeling all warm and cozy. The part they don't stress is that they were playing first on the bill. FIRST! 11:30am! The worst spot ever on a bill. The only reason people are there is because Japanese people are anally punctual and if the flyer says the show starts at 11am, they'll be there. But not to watch Anvil. They'll be there to watch the 10 other bands AFTER Anvil.

Japanese crowds are easily pleased. I know from experience. It's easy to convince these people that you are a legend. Do you know how much Japanese tail I've gotten by telling ladies I'm a BMX legend from Brazil who is touring Japan for Haro?

Some will tell you how "touching" Robb and Lip's friendship is. They'll say the movie is about their relationship that is almost like a brotherhood. They'll insist the movie triumphs because of their perseverance, love and dedication to the band or whatever... Take it from me, it's not!

There's nothing "touching" about these people. They are just sad, pathetic and HILARIOUS! I can't stress enough how pathetic and therefore funny this movie is. You HAVE to go see it and get some Anvil's music. If you like that raw almost thrashy metal from the 80's, these guys are pretty bad-ass.

Little did I know that after the credits rolled and the house lights came on, my night was just starting to get good. I was still wiping tears off my eyes when I saw a short, ugly girl get up two rows in front of us. "Eeew!" I thought, "she looks like a tiny troll!" Then it dawned on me: Ronnie James Motherfucking Dio was in the theater with me! Fuck yeah! I wonder what he thought of the movie. I wonder if he could even see the screen over the heads of the people sitting in front of them. I wonder if he realizes how short and ugly he is.

After that, my lady friend (best know by the acronym HSWG - "Hot Star Wars Girl") took me back to her place and did things to me. I wanna thank her for dragging me all the way down to The Angelika to watch this movie and for the sexual pleasures she blessed me with later on... What a night. What a fucking night!!

Sacred Reich

What a swell looking bunch of guys. In 1991 I thought Sacred Reich were superstars, who probably toured in fancy double-decker bus. In reality, they looked like child-molesters traveling around the country in this horrible wood-paneled monstrosity. Nice trench coat, oh...and nice Hustler magazine in the back as well (under the speaker.)

This post is kind of long. I understand if you don't want to read it, or if you hate the stuff I post....but do me a favor. If you are not going to read it, at least watch the video at the end of the post. For real. You'll thank me. Okay, now let's get started:

Sacred Reich used to be one of my favorite bands back in the day. I was always drawn to pseudo-political bands within the realm of metal. As I've said many times before, I grew up in South America, I grew up during a time when extreme violence was a daily occurrence. As a result, songs about devils and satan never seemed all that scary to me. Everyday reality, and the things that actual humans (not demons with tails and horns) were doing around me were far scarier and very real. Perhaps for that reason, bands that talked about actual situations seemed cooler to me. In retrospect, the views that such "political" bands put forth were half-baked, idiotic and in keeping with their age and level of education...but back then they seemed so damn profound to me.

Check Phil out, 548 pounds ago. I always loved the cholo graffiti writing they used in their records. It gave them a certain edge over bands like Toxic. They also had that cool mascot. You can read more about the macot here. Man, if guys that looked like this had gone to my high school, I would have had huge man-crushes on them (in a very hetero way, dont get me wrong). Check out how Phil and Wiley (what a name) are posing the exact same way...even the angle of their feet is the same.

As good as they were, they fell victim to the classic thrash metal trap. They wrote the required "goofy song". In their case, the song was called "31 Flavors", and was meant to teach us about how we should listen to all kinds of music..but mostly Red Hot Chilli Peppers. The lyrics alone are enough to make you dry-heave for a few hours. Note the awful sexual double entendre. Even Dave Mustaine had to cringe upon hearing it, and he's the guy responsible for the most cringe-inducing lyrics ever. Remember his sexual opus Mechanix?


Vanilla is smooth
chocolate is kickin'
strawberry is sweet
all deserve a hearty lickin'
have em all
three scoops piled high
variety is the spice of life
Well you can have soft serve
and hard sugar cones
root beer floats
or my banana split
do you like nuts
or some sticky whip creme
come lick it off
and be my dairy queen
I love the Chilis
freaky, uplift, mother's milk

If you haven't listened to the song before, here it is. Again, get ready for major douche-chills.





So what happened to these musical and political geniuses over the years? Has time been kind to Sacred Reich? Hell no. Phil looks like a cross between a fat little league coach and Fred Flintstone. What can you do...time does that to you. Dark Angel was right. Time Does Not Heal. Apparently, it just makes you fat. They have a MySpace page, but I think it's way more fun to look at their official site, which is hosted by the one and only Angel Fire. Check it out. It was put together by Wiley himself.

Note the heavy crease on his neck as a result of being fat and having gravy running through his veins.

So over time, they may have deteriorated. What can you do. I pretty much stopped caring about Sacred Reich after "Independent", which is when they embarked on some lame pro-pot tour sponsored by NORML. I was bummed about them doing that tour back then, I'm not sure why. What can I tell you....to say I've had an overactive super-ego from a young age would be an understatement.

This picture hung on my wall for many years. Check out Barney's sweet Zubas.

Around the time that Sacred Reich went out on the "legalize it" tour, I bought my brother a sweet Sacred Reich shirt for his birthday. I believe I've written about this before, but I'll mention it again. He wore it to school on the day of his birthday, and got into bad car accident on his way back home from school. He got blood all over the shirt. I was bummed about the crash, but also about the shirt. The back of the shirt had a Socrates quote, "The unexamined life is not worth living." I'm incredibly ashamed to admit this, but I'll tell you anyway. I have actually quoted Socrates to really smart people before, and I only know the quote because of that shirt. So even though I could make fun of Sacred Reich for ages, and mock them (and I often do), I have to thank them because they made me feel cool in a group of smart people. Perhaps they weren't impressed, but I was certaily pleased with my use of the quote. Thank you Phil Rind!

Say what you will about Sacred Reich, but how many bands will help you quote Socrates at a dinner party?

Oh by the way, do you remember how Lemmy had a Sacred Reich patch on his denim jacket back in the early 90s? It was a Sacred Reich patch, but he only had the part that said "Reich"? He always talked about how he was a collector of WWII Nazi stuff, but always cleared up that he was not racist or a nazi. I get it, and I understand how this is possible...but walking around with a "Reich" patch on your jacket and a Nazi officers cap is kind of a douchy thing to do, to put it mildly. No? Come to think of it, Sacred Reich is kind of a messed up name for a band. I mean, it could easily be the name of a white power band, you know? Perhaps that's what first attracted Lemmy to the patch. I know many of you think Lemmy is rad, and everything he does is amazing, and perfect....and you probably think the Cocoa Puffs on his face are sexy...but come on. Damn it.




Okay, let's get back to Sacred Reich. I will now leave you with the best bit of Sacred Reich material available on the interweb. This is an excerpt of the Sacred Reich DVD, and its a winner for sure. This clip is filled with amazing treasures, because it's a perfect time capsule of the era. I won't even try to comment on it, or point out things about it. Just please watch the whole thing and enjoy it. Please. If you are too young to know what metal shows were like in 1991, this should give you a pretty good idea.

They're still around?

It's true. We're all getting older. Sadly, and I just found this out yesterday thanks to the Discovery Channel, we're all getting older at the exact same rate. That still shouldn't prevent us from mocking those who are further along in the process. For example, consider this picture (below) of the band Laaz Rockit. Mary mother of jesus and baby jesus, they're ancient. Oh, and nice...uh...see through shirt champ. Who knew that such a severe case of Tommy Victor Disease could exist?


Right now you're probably asking yourself..."hey, what do they look like on stage these days?" Well, perhaps this picture will answer that question. They basically look like a local Cult cover band, with a little Springsteen thrown in for good measure. Check it out.



Jesus christ, this guy makes Lou Reed look healthy and youthful.



If you're insane, or you have a severe deathwish, you can check out their site here. If like me, you are a sane human being and would rather remember things the way they were (by that I mean when they sucked, were a fourth rate band but at least looked pretty dope aside from the mesh shirt) then watch the video below. Why is this video so great (aside from the mesh shirt and the 'fro?) Because it's like having your uncle tell you made up stories about a war he was never at. Listen and learn kids.

The games we play

Last week's post about the highly influential Nocturnus album The Key, prompted a good bit of discussion about video games by our readers. Having never really played video games in my life, I chose to look at a different kind of game. You see, at a recent Metal Inquisition retreat, the topic of different metal-related games came up. I'm not talking about sports either (we discussed that in an earlier post here), I'm talking about fun games...simple activities that help pass the time. In this post, I will let you into the Metal Inquisition inner circle, and share with you just some of the activities that M.I. staffers partake in to pass the time.

The Mix Tape Game

Origin
This game was first developed by Mr. Gene Hoglan's Balls and my brother SkullKrusher, while driving to one of the Metal Inquisition retreats.

How is it played?
Go through a box of your old stuff, perhaps the glove compartment in your car, or inside your old walkman. You should be able to find an old mix tape that you made for yourself, or that a fellow metal fan made for you. Throw out any information you may have about the tape's contents. On a long drive, listen to the tape (this requires that your car have a tape player...sorry, it's the one tough thing about the game) and try to figure out the bands that are on the tape. When this game was first played, the tape was titled "Absolute Insanity", and was made by Mr Gene Hoglan's Balls for himself during his high school years. The tape featured mostly Nuclear Blast bands, and both staffers competing had trouble naming any of the bands on the tape. Try it for yourself!

Band Name Game

Origin
Mr. SkullKrusher and I were in a band for the better part of the 90's. As bad as playing horrible shows was, driving six hours to play those shows was even worse. This was back in the era before cell phones, laptops or most other forms of entertainment that many of us use to pass the time during travel these days. As a result of our boredom we began to play the Band Name Game, in order to help pass the time.

How is it played?
This is a simple game. Go down the alphabet, and name a band that starts with each letter. You can play it so that everyone has to name a band with the letter A, and then B in the next round. You can also start with the letter A, and the next person has to name one with B. This second approach works way better. This game is best saved for long drives, especially if you are surrounded by metal heavy weights that know tons and tons of bands.
A tip of the hat to the all-time champion at this game, who is sadly no longer with us. Mr. Cook, wherever you are...you always beat our asses at this game. Cheers.

Rules
As someone who played this game for way too many hours, let me tell you a few things that you must keep in mind. Set some ground rules before you begin playing to avoid arguments.

1.
If you are playing with all metal bands, set the standard for what "metal" means. Do NWOBHM bands count? Will you count bands like Black Sabbath? Will you only count bands that are heavier than Slayer? Does D.R.I. count as metal? Decide these things first to set some perimeters.

2.
Remember that at least one other person must be able to verify the existence of a band for it to count. None of that "oh, they put out a demo in '92...I think they're from Turkey. It's not my fault you guys are posers and don't know about them" nonsense.

3. Band names that have been used multiple times only count once. For example, yes there are multiple bands named Poison, Slaughter etc. Adding their country of origin doesn't make them count twice. Don't be a wiseguy. Yes, there were two bands called Nausea. It only counts once..and the New York one would only count if you were playing the game using the names of boring crusty punk bands anyway.

4. A band with a name preceded by "The" cannot be used for the letter T. Duh.

5. Decide if band names that are made up of numbers, or start with numbers will count as the letter the first number it starts with. This will avoid huge fights down the line.


Tips
The letter Q is a bitch. As someone who has played this game for way too many hours, I can tell you that Q is where everyone looses. Stock up on bands that start with Q. Also, if you own that book with the names of metal bands, you are an idiot anyway...so you shouldn't play anyway.







The Logo Game

Origin
My brother and I have been playing this logo off and on for many years. It's sometimes fun to rope in people with minimal artistic talent, so feel free to play with family and friends. This game can be played in restaurants while you wait for your food, or during meetings at work, if you are lucky enough to work with a fellow metal fan.

How is it played?
Come up with a stupid word or a combination of words, something like "custard", or "elastic band", or maybe "chicken soup", now design a sick metal logo for it. Note that almost everyone begins to default to a Napalm Death scrawl style, or a black metal upsidedown cross style. Either is fine. Determine a winner after each round.

Tips
Keep your logos. Imagine going over these ridiculous logos ten years from now with your friend. Also, write the word that the logo is for at the top, since most of these will be unreadable anyway.





The Grindcrusher Game

Origin
Mr Gene Hoglan's Balls and I were picking up ex-poster Awakening at the airport. GHB said we needed like an hour to get the airport, and he was wrong. Way wrong. We got there with about 50 minutes to spare. Not wanting to pay for parking, we chose to drive in circles around the airport at high speeds instead. With nothing to listen to but a tape of the Grindcrusher comp, the game was born.

How is it played?
Easy. Play the Grindcrusher comp when surrounded by your aging metal friends, and try to name the bands as they come on. Yes, Morbid Angel, Nocturnus and the like are easy...but some are actually pretty damn hard to name. Try it! Call me a poser, but I had a tough time spotting the Mighty Force song. Mr. GHB also claims I had trouble with the Terrorizer song...but that's simply not true. I was being careful, and taking my time before yelling out the band name. Damn.




The Shirt Game

Origin
Not sure exactly where this one came from originally, as it has been played casually around the M.I. offices for some time. It was first played formally (if only briefly) only weeks ago at one of our retreats, as a team-building exercise.

How is it played?
Pick a classic metal recording, something amazing, something that has real historical significance...something by M.O.D. let's say. Without looking at the album, try to remember the shirts that all band members are wearing. If the album features multiple band shots, first establish which picture/s you are going to play for.

Tips
Some good albums to play with are Terrorizer's "World Downfall", Napalm Death's "Mentally Murdered" (double points to the person that can say what two members are wearing the same shirt...what a metal fashion faux pas!)





Lesser games that are still worth mentioning:

Terrorizer thanks list game, where players have to compete to see who can remember the most people and bands thanked in the Terrorizer thanks list. A word of advice: if you ever play this with any of us...we won't be impressed by the fact that you know that NWA and ENT are in there. It takes a good bit more to impress us.

Thanks/No Thanks game, this is one that only some people can get into. If you are the kind who likes to put a bet down on the Superbowl's coin toss, or the over/under on an NCAA game...this one's for you. Try to remember if a certain classic thrash album has a "no thanks" list as well as the usual "thanks" list. Tip: Nuclear Assault were fond of "no thanks" lists. Tip #2: almost all "no thanks" lists included posers and Tipper Gore.

Morrisound Studios game, name recordings made at the famed Tampa studio, one at a time as you go around the room. First one who can't come up with one looses. Everyone else wins. This can also be played by naming recordings produced by Scott Burns or Alex Perialis. Easily transformed into a drinking game, if you are 15 years old that is.

Metallica's Black Album game, play the entire album from beginning to end...and try not to laugh once. This one is extremely hard to play.

Do our readers have similar games that they've played? If not, are we insane losers for thinking these up? Perhaps, perhaps.

Back In The Day: memories of what I thought the future would hold for me

As a young kid who grew up being into metal, I always assumed that I would one day grow up to be a metal stud. I would be the rad dude with the long hair and all the ladies. At the time, I thought my lameness and lack of popularity with the ladies came about strictly as a result of my young age (and not because of my annoying personality, my looks, lack of style, or because of my overuse of Brut cologne). Back then, I would sit around and daydream about one day being surrounded by cool metal guys and hot metal ladies. If you saw what I looked like back then, you would understand why I spent hours dreaming about the future. I don't exaggerate much when I tell you that I pretty much looked and acted like the kid in the videos below. Just picture this kid, but without braces*, and talking about Slayer and Maiden instead of video games and movies.






Sadly, sometime in the early 90s, the rug got pulled from under me. Metal as I knew it began to die, or at least slowly decay. To make matters worse, as I grew older, I finally realized that full-fledged adult metalheads are often huge losers who play W.O.W. all day, and seldom leave the house. The dream of metal ladies never fully materialized in my life. What a total bummer. I never got to have a sweet girlfriend with metal-moma jeans and a Bolt Thrower shirt. Ehh, what can you do. You can't win them all. No big deal, but I also soon realized that most girls in metal (no offense to any female readers we may have) are fat tubs of goo (most men are also, to be fair.) It's for that reason that women like Jo Bench from Bolt Thrower got so much attention...for merely looking semi-human.

Could those pants get any higher? I think not. Looks like she's rocking a full 16 inch zipper.

So, from time to time, I still think about the life I dreamt about as a kid. I still wonder what would have happened had all my metal dreams come true. Thanks to the advancements in computer imaging technology, a new program exists which helps create fairly accurate depictions of a person's childhood dreams. The software is called "Dream Maker 3000", and the license for the program (as well as the proprietary hardware) is setting Metal Inquisition back a good bit.

The Dream Maker 3000, humming along in Metal Inquisition's headquarters.

Due to the state of the current economy we are trying to be responsible with our budget, but once I saw what the software was capable of, I simply had to buy it (a big "thank you" is in order to our administrative assistant Edith for getting the purchase order processed quickly). This advanced piece of technology is capable of creating fairly accurate depictions of my childhood dreams, but I should point out that the program is not finalized (currently still in beta form), and thus it makes the individuals portrayed look a bit less metal than they were in my dreams (no bullet belts, Sodom shirts etc.) Having said that, I welcome you to what my life would be like today, had the 12 year old me had his way.


See the guy with the mustache and the striped pants who is second from the right? That would have been me. Don't be fooled by my quiet demeanor in this picture...I would have been a killer with the ladies, and with a pool cue.


Perhaps this picture is a bit too glam, but still...you can't make fun of those hot ladies. "Too hot to stop"? I think so!


If there's two things I always thought I'd have as an adult, they would have to be a skull and a chain hanging out of my pocket. I'm sad to report I don't have either. I'm such a failure.



That would have been me, furthest to the right. Still growing out my hair and headbanging all night long. What the clueless guy with the black sleeveless shirt doesn't know is that I'm banging his feather earring-wearing girlfriend. Boo-yaaaah.



Please excuse the tucked in shirt. Again, the program is only in a beta stage at this point.. Having said that, most of the remaining parts of the image are accurate. Anvil shirt as a semi-adult? Oh yes. I think that if the young version of me found out that I no longer find Anvil to be relevant...that version of me would be PISSED.





Here we see another picture of the imaginary me. Okay, so this picture shows lame short hair...but the two ladies certainly make up for it. You can make fun of my hair, and my non-metal clothes...but you can't make fun of tha' bitches. Look at how high the girl on the right is wearing her Metal-Mamma Jeans. Nothing says "sexy" like a 16" zipper. Who's the guy in the yellow shirt lurking in the background? John Joseph, duh.


Another possible version of me that I dreamt about. Although the picture depicts a fairly young person, the dreams I'm talking about were had when I was about 12. As such, this is certainnly consistent with what I hoped would occur in the future. I always thought I'd be in a sweet band where spikes, chains and Slayer shirts were required. Today, I mostly worry about very-non metal things.....like what color to paint my living room.



Okay, this image was a mistake. The software malfunctions from time to time. I swear it, I never wanted to be an amateur pole dancer.




This would have been me...sporting some fresh plumage, tight jeans, and a bandana belt. My lady friend would have liked me so much, she'd agree to wear matching shirts, and go to L'Amours on a daily basis. The girl would have been way metal, but would have also enjoyed the more sensitive side of metal. What does that mean? It means she liked "Fade To Black".



What about our readers? If the 12 year old version of you saw what you looked like...would he/she be let down? Are you very metal today, or (like me) a mere shell of your former metal self. Do you have a very un-metal job or house? Does your significant other like or even understand metal? Please share!

(Metal Inquisition readers should know that I'm an international metal journalist. Why? Because this post was submitted from an international airport in South America right before a flight. If you are reading this in an airport somewhere, look around you. I may be the guy sitting next to you right now. I'm the guy with the laptop and handheld devices, the one by the duty free shop.

*I would also like to note that although I did not have braces as a kid, I do now. I got them last night. Ugh.)